What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive?
Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons being presented.
Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundly manipulating and messing up your perceptions and sensibilities.
Spiritual Wanderer Course:
Being a lone wolf and a spiritual wanderer is a sacred calling in life – a unique and alchemical path of awakening. You don’t need to feel lost, alone, or stuck on your journey any more. It’s time to meet your soul’s deep needs for clarity, self-acceptance, and empowerment. Let us show you how …
Why is it that empaths and narcissists – two diametrically opposed types of people – feel an almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe that it is Life’s way of restoring balance.
For example, let’s examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring, compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, let’s examine your typical narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply uncaring, indifferent, self-centered and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in contact with their “inverted/reverse” selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result of such an experience (although this doesn’t always happen immediately, but through trial and error). However, it is important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in their lives – any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.
4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Should Look Out For
So many articles out there talk about “protecting” yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this language promotes the disempowering notion that “other people are out to get you.” They’re not. People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others. The more you perceive yourself as a “victim” of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable you’ll be of truly owning your personal power as an empath.
A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously you’ll be able to behave and make decisions in their presence.
Main Types
Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:
Vulnerable Narcissists (VN’s)
These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, VN’s overcompensate by putting on a grandiose mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VN’s have an unshakeable need to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VN’s are primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus don’t have the capacity to authentically love and care for others. Additionally, VN’s use emotional manipulation (such as shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.
Invulnerable Narcissists (IN’s)
These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person, cold and unempathetic person. IN’s, unlike VN’s, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power, glory, recognition, and pleasure. IN’s often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be far superior to everyone else – and they have a pathological need to make that known.
Shadow & Light Membership:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐ "Receiving these messages is a beacon of light and hope for me in currently very challenging times. The words of wisdom speak right to my soul, guiding and encouraging me further on my path. I highly recommend Shadow & Light to everyone who seeks to develop and cultivate a relationship with the Inner Self." – Karin
Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.
Subtypes
Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following (unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:
The Amorous Narcissist
Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are the ultimate relationship con artists, “gold diggers” and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their own needs and desires.
The Compensatory Narcissist
Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives, this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and manipulation is a common method of control used by this type.
The Elitist Narcissist
This breed of person does anything to climb to the “top,” win and completely dominate others. Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters, braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the “best” and prove themselves to be intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.
The Malignant Narcissist
The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths and those with antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs. immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in “outsmarting” others. This type of narcissist can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage to run afoul of the law.
***
Now that you have read through the different “flavors” of narcissism you might be thinking, “what next?”
The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact with such people. I recommend reading our article on how to love yourself more for further direction.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to know more about narcissists and empaths, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
There are so many empaths out there currently struggling to catch a breath of air in the large murky ocean of narcissism saturating their lives. If you are one of these people, I hope that this article can be a starting place to help heal your life. You’re also invited to unload your experiences in the comments area (rants and emotional catharsis encouraged).
Would you like to save this?
We'll email this article to you, so you can come back to it later!
Your information will never be shared.
On the other hand, if you are an empath that has successfully learned to deal with narcissists, please take some time to share what you’ve discovered below. You never know … your comment could help to salvage another’s life.
Three paths to inner transformation – here’s how I can help you go deeper:
1. The Spiritual Wanderer Course: Are you feeling lost, adrift, and unsure of your life's purpose? Gain clarity, focus, and direction on your inner path by uncovering the five archetypes of awakening within you. Learn how to navigate the highs and lows of your inner journey and chart your unique path with 3+ hours of audio-visual content, workbooks, meditations, and a premium test.
2. Shadow & Light Membership: Do you crave consistent support on your spiritual quest? Receive weekly intuitive guidance and learn to embrace your whole self, including your shadow side. Cultivate deeper self-love with our affordable, personalized support.
3. Spiritual Awakening Bundle: Ready to embark on a profound soul-searching adventure? Dive into our collection of essential transformative resources! Explore five illuminating eBooks and seven in-depth journals, plus unlock two special bonuses to empower your spiritual growth.
Thank you for this post. I found it to be very informative, and it really crystallized a lot of the behaviors I’ve either exhibited in the past or continue to…but as a person with a self-acknowledged “sense of entitlement complex” (I find narcissist to be a culturally affected term that carries a lot of scorn and, essentially, villainy), I can’t help but feel pathologized and ultimately a little hurt by some of the content of this article. While I think it is very important to describe (in great, specific detail) our behaviors and the way they may affect others, as I know it can be empowering for those struggling in relationships with narcissists, I also think that it is important to remember that we are people too, and we are struggling to grow, learn, and actualize our spiritual natures just as empaths or other people are. I grew up with and continue to be blessed with an exceptionally loving, empathic mother and a sensitive father, and yet I exhibited a sense of entitlement complex from a young age (perhaps a residual complex from a past life??) – I also continue to be attracted to friends and romantic partners who possess… Read more »
I am the youngest of nine in my family, and I did not realize how hurtful one of my own siblings could be, until I became employed by them and their significant other, who I believe is also a narcissistic ass. Why my sister has become so much like him, in how they can do me wrong, cheat, lie and steal and have no conscious for what they’ve done while I’ve been in their employ, is way beyond me. I thought I knew her and in these past almost 4 years have taught me almost to much, about not knowing her much at all, feels at times. I separate myself from them, when I don’t need to work. And although I like the company of others, over the course of time, I have learned that it’s ok to be careful when choosing who I talk with or keep company with. I keep my garden weeded and circle tight, this works for me. I need to give myself the permission, for my own sanity’s sake in keeping hold on to myself.
We all came from the same source, narcissist , sociopath, etc, its just labels created in a 3d reality trying to explain things . I wanna share my experience with you guys, i’ve been running on ”narcissists” my ENTIRE life, my both parents have this wound so imagine the kind of place that i grow up. They manipulate your mind, it’s like you are a puppet. They do that because they have a BIG wound from childhood and they need to control others and the perceptions of every single person ALL the time. If they don’t do that, it’s like they don’t feel safe. They suffer so much on the inside, what is running the show is a false self. In terms of source and spirit we all came from the same place, so there’s no difference between us and them. It’s just lessons that we signed up to experience into this reality. ”Narcissists” in fact are a big gift for our soul because it really empower us. What they do is: They pay attention to every single reaction that you make so it’s like they can read your mind. Based on that they put all your unhealed and wounds… Read more »
I believe we are all born Empathic, and we are detuned by our emotional an physical environments. And so can be created a Narcissist.If not able to unassociate there emotional hooks from yourself, then run/stay away. If for example like me there are little people involved, then confident loving constant attention focused to children, and disengage every emotional hook ever used against us :[ The long way maybe. Yet its the natural challenge for the Empath to overcome the effects of there natural predator the narcissist, to find balance in one’s emotional world. The depth of empathy in a person seems to engage the equal ln depth of narcissistic response. To me, these are life challenge’s. The little one’s, children are the most sensitive, be strong and find your balance. If you remember the feeling of unconditional love, like from children or maybe other earthlings, they are a good datum/start point. To help us find balance. Namaste
NB. Somehow I can’t feel victimized anymore… I have a lot in the past… But somehow staying in this synchronized state with the pain and sorrow makes me feel stronger… I guess I’m looking it in the eyes… And embracing it….And other people around me gets it… I don’t need to defend or explain my self… I’m not hiding og pushing it away… It is just there… and I take a lot of alone time to my self with a very good conscience ❤️
Thank you, for this article, and many others on this site. I, too, found this site, by ‘accident?’ It is so comforting, to know you are not alone, in this very confusing, world. For the longest time, I believed I was the only one going through this, and could find no help, on the outside, or through the internet, to tell me different. All the internet sites, tell you to run…and our ‘therapist’, dismissed my feelings, with a ‘that’s normal.’ I met this man, when I was 18. I fell in love instantly, but knew it was not the right time for either of us. We went our separate ways, but stayed in contact, for 35 years. We spent a week on his coast, then, a week on mine, and decided to give it a go. I moved to his coast almost 3 years ago. Of coarse, you know there will be adjustments, and you think you have it all figured out…….I knew he was a practicing member of AA…and I supported him in that completely. What I didn’t know, was how ‘addicting’ behaviors work. And, I was not aware, until after my arrival, the he was also, in the… Read more »
Thank you for writing this encouraging article. As an empath, I have been married to an ‘Amorous Narcissist’ for 26 years, and I love him! To end our relationship because his self-centered personality often sucks the energy out of my being is a choice that has been pressured by family and friends for our entire marriage. Because we choose to fight for our marriage, I have learned to let him know when he belittles or bullies me. I am honest about my feelings, and I confront him, courageously, with his feelings that he uses to manipulate or control me or others. His response to me has been incrementally ‘softer’ over the years, and now his desire is to not fight with me, hurting my sensitive soul. He works every day to be a ‘better’ person by being more patient, kind, and compassionate with people. I have witnessed my husband grow into a more empathetic man in light of the fact that his personality prevents this emotional understanding. With my empathy and his narcissism, we have found a balance in our marriage. My husband and I have shown that it is possible to contently live together with understanding and to learn… Read more »
I think it’s important to recognise that not all empaths are in tune with their compassion. They can be narcissists also. I appreciate you mentioning the victim mentality/martyrdom we often adopt.
I also think it might be helpful to create content to help people who ARE narcissistic/abusive/etc, because as long as these people are unaware/ashamed/unsure how to change/continue hating themselves, its going to be very hard for them to stop doing what they’re doing. I have dated a narcissist and have myself been a vulnerable narcissist throughout my life as a means of coping and surviving. None of this is black and white.
Thank u for finally writing ur thoughts on this subject. I love ur sight, as it has helped me to grow and find myself again. Slowly, with lots of work still left to do. I have been with an NPD for 2.5 yrs now & all of me, except for a piece of my heart that I cant seem to break, that keeps me physically, reluctantly returning, is already gone from this relationship. I’ve done the complete 360 of being broken down, & have come back around. Im so done, but I still dont know whats holding me back from letting go. Fear? Idk. Thats where I wish to have help with.
I applaud you for presenting the balance! It is much like most abusive relationships. We all pity the abused partner and disdain the abuser, but they are both playing an equal part (unless someone is an actual prisoner). I applaud you for removing the “victim” title and asking us to be empowered and take responsibility for WHY WE are attracted to these types. It’s not to be victims. It’s not to be supply, consciously. There is a level of control that comes from being the narcissist supply and that part of this equation must be dealt with for the dynamic to end. Sometimes I look back on my marriage (it’s not even been a year since “the end”) and I think who has really been the most harmed? I am back to caring about myself and not letting all my boundaries down. I’m a powerful person who can create any life I want. Everyone knows (despite the gaslighting) that I loved and gave my all. I have everything I had before him. All the love I had for him was in me and it’s still in me; it didn’t go anywhere. All the resources he used up, have come back… Read more »