What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive?
Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons being presented.
Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundly manipulating and messing up your perceptions and sensibilities.
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Why is it that empaths and narcissists – two diametrically opposed types of people – feel an almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe that it is Life’s way of restoring balance.
For example, let’s examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring, compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, let’s examine your typical narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply uncaring, indifferent, self-centered and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in contact with their “inverted/reverse” selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result of such an experience (although this doesn’t always happen immediately, but through trial and error). However, it is important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in their lives – any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.
4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Should Look Out For
So many articles out there talk about “protecting” yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this language promotes the disempowering notion that “other people are out to get you.” They’re not. People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others. The more you perceive yourself as a “victim” of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable you’ll be of truly owning your personal power as an empath.
A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously you’ll be able to behave and make decisions in their presence.
Main Types
Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:
Vulnerable Narcissists (VN’s)
These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, VN’s overcompensate by putting on a grandiose mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VN’s have an unshakeable need to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VN’s are primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus don’t have the capacity to authentically love and care for others. Additionally, VN’s use emotional manipulation (such as shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.
Invulnerable Narcissists (IN’s)
These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person, cold and unempathetic person. IN’s, unlike VN’s, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power, glory, recognition, and pleasure. IN’s often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be far superior to everyone else – and they have a pathological need to make that known.
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Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.
Subtypes
Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following (unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:
The Amorous Narcissist
Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are the ultimate relationship con artists, “gold diggers” and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their own needs and desires.
The Compensatory Narcissist
Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives, this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and manipulation is a common method of control used by this type.
The Elitist Narcissist
This breed of person does anything to climb to the “top,” win and completely dominate others. Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters, braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the “best” and prove themselves to be intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.
The Malignant Narcissist
The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths and those with antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs. immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in “outsmarting” others. This type of narcissist can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage to run afoul of the law.
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Now that you have read through the different “flavors” of narcissism you might be thinking, “what next?”
The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact with such people. I recommend reading our article on how to love yourself more for further direction.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to know more about narcissists and empaths, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
There are so many empaths out there currently struggling to catch a breath of air in the large murky ocean of narcissism saturating their lives. If you are one of these people, I hope that this article can be a starting place to help heal your life. You’re also invited to unload your experiences in the comments area (rants and emotional catharsis encouraged).
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Thank you for this post. I found it to be very informative, and it really crystallized a lot of the behaviors I’ve either exhibited in the past or continue to…but as a person with a self-acknowledged “sense of entitlement complex” (I find narcissist to be a culturally affected term that carries a lot of scorn and, essentially, villainy), I can’t help but feel pathologized and ultimately a little hurt by some of the content of this article. While I think it is very important to describe (in great, specific detail) our behaviors and the way they may affect others, as I know it can be empowering for those struggling in relationships with narcissists, I also think that it is important to remember that we are people too, and we are struggling to grow, learn, and actualize our spiritual natures just as empaths or other people are. I grew up with and continue to be blessed with an exceptionally loving, empathic mother and a sensitive father, and yet I exhibited a sense of entitlement complex from a young age (perhaps a residual complex from a past life??) – I also continue to be attracted to friends and romantic partners who possess great empathic powers and sensitivities, as I find that I deeply learn more from them than anyone else. Although I recognize that I have mistreated others selfishly because of my narcissistic tendencies, I have always cultivated openness within myself to hearing how my actions and behaviors affect the ones I love, and I have learned absolutely amazing things about myself and life from the generous candor of my empathic friends, family, and lovers who have been so kind to help me to learn. I may be a ‘narcissist’ or whatever this article labels me to be, but this trait does not define who I am. I am a person just as everyone else, and I strive to be the best person I can be every day. Additionally, people who exhibit narcissistic tendencies are not bad people – in fact, I know in my heart that I am NOT these behaviors I have unfortunately identified with from the article – I saw it mentioned in a comment below; we are NOT our behaviors. Our behaviors are merely mechanisms we use to express whatever trauma we have, things we are working through, or (in cases where behavior is aligned), authentic representations of ourselves. It is never, ever my intention to hurt anyone – I genuinely love people, and actually have found (through talking to all kinds of people on the spectrum of empath and narcissist) that the controlling behaviors I exhibit are actually a cry to be loved and to bring myself closer to the person on the receiving end of the behavior. I am aware that these behaviors are ineffective in achieving that goal, but I know that when I do those things, what I am doing is attempting to come closer to that person by ‘putting us on the same page’, so to speak. I have learned that a better way to do this is to accept the other for who they truly are, and to respect and celebrate differences in opinion or otherwise. I strive to become a more self-aware person at all times. While I may have behaviors that are considered to be “narcisstic”, I know that I have a tremendous amount of love and compassion within me, and I am working on how to let it flow with the help of beautiful, complementary empathic beings that I am so lucky to be surrounded with. I believe that we ALL have things we can teach one another, and that if we look at this issue from the right perspective, we can all smile and appreciate the tremendous spiritual learning opportunities that come from the beautiful relationships that are created between all all types of beings.
Hi MJ. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perceptions, and I’m also sorry that you feel this article demonizes narcissists. That was not my intention at all, instead I aimed to provide simply the facts rather than dressing up such a touchy topic in melodrama.
Your comment is extremely valuable because it shows another face/side to narcissism or having a sense of entitlement (which are similar things, but not the same). To me it’s admirable that you are aware of your shadow traits — something we ALL possess — and are trying your best to learn and grow.
I am actually in the process of writing an article aimed at those who do experience narcissism/narcissistic tendencies. So thank you once again for contributing your voice!
how will i be notified of a reply here? I registered with FB and would like to know when MJ replies. thank you.
So I just realized I was seeing a Narcissist and am broken hearted over it. I could not do anything right, I asked him to please speak softer with me and not attack or yell. He could not just discuss and always said he didn’t do anything but only reacted to my action so it was my fault. I know he has hurts and i want to love him so much through it but he won’t allow it. He pushes me away and I will not do the fight anymore. I wonder if he actually has feelings for me or it’s just a way to get attention by calling me etc. Do you really feel love for someone MJ and are open and able to change? I don’t know if this man I know is open at all, he sees nothing wrong with himself. I have never said I think he is a narcissist since we have stopped talking and I just realized it. Thank you for any response on this.
MJ, I really appreciated your post and greatly respect your candor and courage. You are blessed with the drive to heal your wounds and you are blessed to have so many loving people around you who help you learn and grow. Being open to that growth, seeking greater self awareness, and having the ability to see how all of our interactions are opportunities for ALL to learn from one another separates you from many others. I also think it’s important to understand that there is a difference between someone who has narcissistic tendencies and someone who has severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder. While both are wounded beings, there is a spectrum that sadly keeps those on the further end of the spectrum from having the desire to heal, become self aware and experience life the way you do. Are those people “bad”? No, but they can be inordinately physically, financially, sexually and emotionally so abusive that they are dangerous to their partners and children. It’s important for us all to see one another as wounded beings rather than “good” or “bad”, and we are not our behaviors. We are complex beings with different layers who go through different stages of growth and self awareness. Thanks for your post!
This is good insight but I still think we are our actions (to others). What you mean to do doesn’t have any meaning to anyone other than yourself, so it doesn’t have value to anyone other than yourself. And while it’s good to be at peace with oneself in that regard, it can also be damaging if you believe wishing well is enough regardless of actions. That would still be narcisistic. You’re not doing good to others until you’re actually doing good to others. I believe that by doing good to others you’re doing good to everyone, including yourself (even if in the long run). This is still narcisistic but I’d say it’s good, or at least better narcisism. If you make the world a better place it won’t be a better place just for everyone else, it will also be for you. Isn’t it beautiful that it’s in everyone’s best interest to be good and kind to one another? That is the meaning of life.
I am the youngest of nine in my family, and I did not realize how hurtful one of my own siblings could be, until I became employed by them and their significant other, who I believe is also a narcissistic ass. Why my sister has become so much like him, in how they can do me wrong, cheat, lie and steal and have no conscious for what they’ve done while I’ve been in their employ, is way beyond me. I thought I knew her and in these past almost 4 years have taught me almost to much, about not knowing her much at all, feels at times. I separate myself from them, when I don’t need to work. And although I like the company of others, over the course of time, I have learned that it’s ok to be careful when choosing who I talk with or keep company with. I keep my garden weeded and circle tight, this works for me. I need to give myself the permission, for my own sanity’s sake in keeping hold on to myself.
We all came from the same source, narcissist , sociopath, etc, its just labels created in a 3d reality trying to explain things . I wanna share my experience with you guys, i’ve been running on ”narcissists” my ENTIRE life, my both parents have this wound so imagine the kind of place that i grow up. They manipulate your mind, it’s like you are a puppet. They do that because they have a BIG wound from childhood and they need to control others and the perceptions of every single person ALL the time. If they don’t do that, it’s like they don’t feel safe.
They suffer so much on the inside, what is running the show is a false self. In terms of source and spirit we all came from the same place, so there’s no difference between us and them. It’s just lessons that we signed up to experience into this reality. ”Narcissists” in fact are a big gift for our soul because it really empower us. What they do is: They pay attention to every single reaction that you make so it’s like they can read your mind. Based on that they put all your unhealed and wounds on the surface so you have self-awareness and can clear everything. And you clear everything faster than you would do by leaving your normal life, because our ego always create lies about ourselves, and with the narcissists they SEE everything inside you, so they are just MESSENGERS of your own wounds.They are angels in disguise.
Also they are masters of perception. They really understand how to do it because they did their entire life. Yes they control people around them, and the perceptions of others, they know how do it pretty well. The gift behind it, is that if we look to the 3d reality that we are living, it’s the same thing. It’s a big place with illusions created from the midia , people that don’t want to empower us, but to mind control our perception to buy their products. Expert marketers have a big power in creating ANY PERCEPTION that they want into people’s mind. They can really make people by products that they don’t need, triggering insecurities in a form of mind control. On youtube for example there’s so MANY fake videos that people create showing false reactions, that alter the perceptions of the viewers, like for example A guy picking up girls with a lamborghini (fake) , first the girl rejecting him, but after seeing the car, she changed her mind and was into him. This mess up with the perception of people PRETTY BAD and since we create our own reality, the next interactions with girls that we have, it’s gonna be stored on our subcouncious level. So another gift behind it is that for me it’s easier to see behind lies and illusions, because they changed my perceptions my ENTIRE life since i was a child, it makes really clear to see behind things.
So i realized that my soul mission here is to learn about perceptions , i’m marketer as well so i’m using that as a tool now to empower people. It’s possible to sell products and still empower people and making them be the best version of themselves. So who were my biggest teachers here ? ?? Narcissists, they taught me everything about the 3d reality and how it’s a world of false perceptions, we are evolving and humanity is going to the 4th and 5th dimension, so ALL illusions gonna fade away over time . Everything there’s a lesson and a reason behind it, when we look to the big picture, Yes i took a while to figure that out, Yes i suffered a lot with this experience as well, i even got very sick and depressed and ALMOST died because of my parents. My body died many many times, but every time you stand up , you come back stronger, the body is just our vehicle here, so it doesn’t matter. They can kill your body but our soul is eternal and we only evolve.
I love your perspective: “they are angels in disguise” … beautiful!
Thanks Luna <3 I love your website , it helped me a lot along my journey of self discovering ! Thank you !
Not really in disguise, I openly bring up wounds and try to help people but many people don’t wish to be helped as they are so deep in their own narcisism that they refuse to see it. It’s hard to see the island when you’re standing on it. Sometimes they crumble and come back a better version of themselves, most times they just augment their previous ideas of greatness to make up for the new criticism.
I believe we are all born Empathic, and we are detuned by our emotional an physical environments. And so can be created a Narcissist.If not able to unassociate there emotional hooks from yourself, then run/stay away. If for example like me there are little people involved, then confident loving constant attention focused to children, and disengage every emotional hook ever used against us :[ The long way maybe. Yet its the natural challenge for the Empath to overcome the effects of there natural predator the narcissist, to find balance in one’s emotional world. The depth of empathy in a person seems to engage the equal ln depth of narcissistic response. To me, these are life challenge’s. The little one’s, children are the most sensitive, be strong and find your balance. If you remember the feeling of unconditional love, like from children or maybe other earthlings, they are a good datum/start point. To help us find balance. Namaste
Wow! Your thoughts make me think…excellent!
NB. Somehow I can’t feel victimized anymore… I have a lot in the past… But somehow staying in this synchronized state with the pain and sorrow makes me feel stronger… I guess I’m looking it in the eyes… And embracing it….And other people around me gets it… I don’t need to defend or explain my self… I’m not hiding og pushing it away… It is just there… and I take a lot of alone time to my self with a very good conscience ❤️
Thank you, for this article, and many others on this site. I, too, found this site, by ‘accident?’ It is so comforting, to know you are not alone, in this very confusing, world. For the longest time, I believed I was the only one going through this, and could find no help, on the outside, or through the internet, to tell me different. All the internet sites, tell you to run…and our ‘therapist’, dismissed my feelings, with a ‘that’s normal.’
I met this man, when I was 18. I fell in love instantly, but knew it was not the right time for either of us. We went our separate ways, but stayed in contact, for 35 years. We spent a week on his coast, then, a week on mine, and decided to give it a go. I moved to his coast almost 3 years ago.
Of coarse, you know there will be adjustments, and you think you have it all figured out…….I knew he was a practicing member of AA…and I supported him in that completely.
What I didn’t know, was how ‘addicting’ behaviors work. And, I was not aware, until after my arrival, the he was also, in the midst, of becoming ‘dependent’on painkillers.
I have researched, read, and written, so many ‘words’. But, nothing hit home. Nothing gave me hope, that we could be ‘fixed’, until this site.
Because of becoming, one of your Wolves, it gave me the insite I needed, to guide him into, putting himself in my shoes.
I can’t tell you, how it felt, to finally have him say those 3 little words…..’I get it!’
Thank you for writing this encouraging article. As an empath, I have been married to an ‘Amorous Narcissist’ for 26 years, and I love him! To end our relationship because his self-centered personality often sucks the energy out of my being is a choice that has been pressured by family and friends for our entire marriage. Because we choose to fight for our marriage, I have learned to let him know when he belittles or bullies me. I am honest about my feelings, and I confront him, courageously, with his feelings that he uses to manipulate or control me or others. His response to me has been incrementally ‘softer’ over the years, and now his desire is to not fight with me, hurting my sensitive soul. He works every day to be a ‘better’ person by being more patient, kind, and compassionate with people. I have witnessed my husband grow into a more empathetic man in light of the fact that his personality prevents this emotional understanding. With my empathy and his narcissism, we have found a balance in our marriage. My husband and I have shown that it is possible to contently live together with understanding and to learn from each other how to have the soft-heart of an empath with the thick skin of a narcissist.
Your story Kristin, shows that nothing about empaths and narcissists is black and white. While some people would benefit more from getting the hell out of such a relationship, others have the capacity to stay within it. But the lines are blurred here and there are no rules. The only rule is to listen to your intuition, instincts and feelings, and to be conscious of whether the connection is truly love, or a form of conditional, co-dependent “love” that limits your growth as a person.
I appreciate your words, Aletheia. I agree that there is no black and white, and there are no rules, only the intuition and feelings that comes from knowing a person better than he knows himself. Do we have a marriage that is true love or co-dependent love? That is a question I have answered many years ago, and it is the reason we are still married. Although it may seem foolish, I choose to be with my husband until the end…and my growth continues on, hopefully making me the person I’m meant to be.
I think it’s important to recognise that not all empaths are in tune with their compassion. They can be narcissists also. I appreciate you mentioning the victim mentality/martyrdom we often adopt.
I also think it might be helpful to create content to help people who ARE narcissistic/abusive/etc, because as long as these people are unaware/ashamed/unsure how to change/continue hating themselves, its going to be very hard for them to stop doing what they’re doing. I have dated a narcissist and have myself been a vulnerable narcissist throughout my life as a means of coping and surviving. None of this is black and white.
Excellent observation. I remember mentioning this in a previous article I wrote about empaths, that being empathic isn’t the same as having empathy. Not all empaths have developed their ability to step inside the shoes of others from a purely mental/psychological standpoint (often it is just physical). Thanks for the suggestion and honesty Madi. :)
Thank u for finally writing ur thoughts on this subject. I love ur sight, as it has helped me to grow and find myself again. Slowly, with lots of work still left to do. I have been with an NPD for 2.5 yrs now & all of me, except for a piece of my heart that I cant seem to break, that keeps me physically, reluctantly returning, is already gone from this relationship. I’ve done the complete 360 of being broken down, & have come back around. Im so done, but I still dont know whats holding me back from letting go. Fear? Idk. Thats where I wish to have help with.
Fear could be one explanation … maybe also self-worth, as often our self-worth is tied to our relationships (and when they end, we feel worthless). I really hope that you find the answer c2 … could call for a hefty session of introspection! It would be worth it. Thanks for sharing here!
I applaud you for presenting the balance! It is much like most abusive relationships. We all pity the abused partner and disdain the abuser, but they are both playing an equal part (unless someone is an actual prisoner). I applaud you for removing the “victim” title and asking us to be empowered and take responsibility for WHY WE are attracted to these types. It’s not to be victims. It’s not to be supply, consciously. There is a level of control that comes from being the narcissist supply and that part of this equation must be dealt with for the dynamic to end.
Sometimes I look back on my marriage (it’s not even been a year since “the end”) and I think who has really been the most harmed? I am back to caring about myself and not letting all my boundaries down. I’m a powerful person who can create any life I want. Everyone knows (despite the gaslighting) that I loved and gave my all. I have everything I had before him. All the love I had for him was in me and it’s still in me; it didn’t go anywhere. All the resources he used up, have come back tenfold. I lost my step-daughter, but that happens in any divorce – that’s just the way it is. But, what does he have? All he has is another confirmation that someone will love him so much for a little while and then pull it all out from under him. Something he literally would say to me rather than “thank you”. His self-fulling prophecy has come true. Why? Why, if he was so loved by me, did his prophecy still fulfill?
Because the fear in me gave way to the fear in him. I believed his fear and I loved and lived against his fear. Fear is only meant to be a warning, not a way of life. I became a supply house to make him stay and that repulses the narc, even they want to deserve it. LOL I didn’t stand and love and live from my love for myself or him. Why? The answer is the same reason I loved him, I know how he feels. I know how hard it is to believe someone will care for you and stay with you when your history has shown you so many times otherwise. I know how it feels to have loss and feel that hole when it makes love disappear like it never even existed. We both loved each other despite that history, but we didn’t create a new story strong enough or long enough. That’s the lesson.
It’s not a question of self-esteem, but it’s just a bad love story. Narcs and co-dependents don’t need more self-esteem. You know how much self-esteem it takes to love and get nothing in return? Or how much it takes to get all of your needs met and not give a shit about someone else’s? It’s just a bad love story. Love is unfair. Love doesn’t last. Love has to be perfect and I’m not perfect. We just need a better LOVE story!!
This dynamic also has nothing to do with being an Empath. The difference, IMHO, is that a co-dependent loves from fear and an empath loves from love. I believe my ex was an empath as well. You can say narcs lack empathy and they do – on an intimate level because they never fully trust you or invest in you, but they are very perceptive and use that perception to appear like empaths. (You should write an article on telling the difference between an empath and a narc. I only know because of court-ordered psychological reports.) I am an empath and I still sucked at loving someone in a healthy way. My frequency was too responsive when it needed to be more creative. I am learning the balance you speak of in this article and I pray more people listen to what you have really said and look at their side of it and stop blaming the narc or repeating their same ole story “I loved and lost…the narc used me…blah, blah, blah”. :) Teach people how to write a new love story.
We (the empaths) were hurt, but we were hurt at the end from a slow burning confusion and fog that we finally opened the door and let the smoke out. They (the narc) were hurting all along from the first day, because they knew this day would come. They never invested to the extent we did because they know how it will turn out, but they lived the terror of the ending every day from day one. When it ends, the narc forgets us like yesterday’s news and then our terror begins. Both can go on and blame the other or wake up! Wake up!
I send love and light to my ex. I send forgiveness and remember the ways he was good and kind and present and powerful. For that wounded boy who believes no one will love him, I hold him and say I’m sorry he was treated that way and believes that so much that he makes it happen over and over again. I love him. I always will, no matter what. I saw the 90% of him and his beautiful spirit; the shadow will never rob me of that Truth. My love does not come back void. My love is stronger than fear. I no longer make my story being his victim. In my NEW story, we are leading lovers who teach each other the deepest lessons of our lives. The loss of “my family” woke me up to my own misgivings and I know that my love for him will wake him up to his one day, but I’m not attached to what he does. In my story he has already done it. :)
I will see him again without his fear and he will see me without mine. I will love him with my love and not my fear. I apologize to him because I responded to his brokenness instead of his completeness. Perfect Love casts out fear; it doesn’t obey it. I don’t really think that much about how he didn’t love me any more, I think about the great lesson I’ve learned from him. and at his expense as well as mine…and he will always be a most treasured soul in this journey of my life.