What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive?
Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons being presented.
Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundly manipulating and messing up your perceptions and sensibilities.
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Why is it that empaths and narcissists – two diametrically opposed types of people – feel an almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe that it is Life’s way of restoring balance.
For example, let’s examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring, compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, let’s examine your typical narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply uncaring, indifferent, self-centered and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in contact with their “inverted/reverse” selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result of such an experience (although this doesn’t always happen immediately, but through trial and error). However, it is important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in their lives – any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.
4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Should Look Out For
So many articles out there talk about “protecting” yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this language promotes the disempowering notion that “other people are out to get you.” They’re not. People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others. The more you perceive yourself as a “victim” of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable you’ll be of truly owning your personal power as an empath.
A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously you’ll be able to behave and make decisions in their presence.
Main Types
Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:
Vulnerable Narcissists (VN’s)
These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, VN’s overcompensate by putting on a grandiose mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VN’s have an unshakeable need to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VN’s are primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus don’t have the capacity to authentically love and care for others. Additionally, VN’s use emotional manipulation (such as shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.
Invulnerable Narcissists (IN’s)
These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person, cold and unempathetic person. IN’s, unlike VN’s, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power, glory, recognition, and pleasure. IN’s often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be far superior to everyone else – and they have a pathological need to make that known.
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Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.
Subtypes
Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following (unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:
The Amorous Narcissist
Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are the ultimate relationship con artists, “gold diggers” and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their own needs and desires.
The Compensatory Narcissist
Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives, this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and manipulation is a common method of control used by this type.
The Elitist Narcissist
This breed of person does anything to climb to the “top,” win and completely dominate others. Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters, braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the “best” and prove themselves to be intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.
The Malignant Narcissist
The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths and those with antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs. immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in “outsmarting” others. This type of narcissist can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage to run afoul of the law.
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Now that you have read through the different “flavors” of narcissism you might be thinking, “what next?”
The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact with such people. I recommend reading our article on how to love yourself more for further direction.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to know more about narcissists and empaths, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
There are so many empaths out there currently struggling to catch a breath of air in the large murky ocean of narcissism saturating their lives. If you are one of these people, I hope that this article can be a starting place to help heal your life. You’re also invited to unload your experiences in the comments area (rants and emotional catharsis encouraged).
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Coming from a family where both parents have narcissistic traits, my Mother having the strongest. I learned that this behavior was normal. It has been a very difficult struggle for me regarding my other relationships. From friend to lovers, I never got married or had children. Having children worried me from how I would love them and if my family would treat them well.
I have spent most of my life thinking I was the problem and unlovable. It has only been the through the last relationship of 5.5 yrs that I have had enough. I have really looked at why I feel this way. I am find all this information helpful as I have to deal with destructive sibling relationships, I see why we are struggling to stay connected. My sister is a mix of empathic/narcissistic my brother is pretty much narcissistic. Both have mean tendency to wards me that are then denied.
I have finally stepped away from them. This was difficult as I now lose out in relationships with their children.
What I have noticed is there are family traits of narcissism that go back at least 3 generations. So my question is – Is narcissism learned by trauma or is it genetic? And how do we teach the next generation to be more empathetic?
Thank you for writing this article it has helped me in my journey.
I have a similar situation. Both parents narcissists, goes back generations, I’m the youngest of two, my older sibling to me seems elitist. I wager there is a bit of both genetics and environment / learned behavior at play. I think my mother is on the spectrum because she has never been able to show emotion, but my father could easily exaggerate emotions for the sake of attention. My sister sees herself as the hero of the family because she has always done what was expected of her and is therefore the favorite. Me? I’m out. They refuse to respect my boundaries and I am too old to tolerate that from anyone.
It’s seems like as I get older I realize I am attracted to narcissistic men. Currently I’m realizing that my children are noticing it too. We want to do something about it and I’m confident we can make it on our own ,but how to you leave a narcissistic person when you feel pity towards them? I now see it as it was his choice to have those failures and never learns from them. I’m starting to not pity him and get mad about the sistuation because I feel like I don’t have enough confidence to stand up and say get out. I feel like I can’t stay any longer because I’m wasting my time. When I try to talk about it with him he gets really defensive and plays the manipulative woa is me card. Help please!!!
Never argue or try to reason with a narcissist. No matter what he says, if you recognize all that you wrote above, you should be a concerned bc your children might emulate that type of behavior in the future. A narcissist either does not understands or pretends not to. Either way, he is NOT listening to you. THEY DON’T CARE about your issues in any way shape or form.
In your mind, you might have convinced yourself that you have this special type of narcissist that does care bc he might have acted like he cared in the past. Nope! they don’t possess what it takes to care about other people’s feelings and emotions. To believe that he/she will ever learn, listen, change, or care, is to believe that one day you’ll be able to squeeze orange juice out of an apple….If only you squeeze really, really hard.
No matter how hard you try to explain, articulate, to love, to ANYTHING… it is psychologically and biologically impossible. My advice, do not ignore him or her but don’t engage. Just say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” whenever you’re being blamed for something you didn’t do. If he or she does you wrong, expect it bc that’s what they do once the honeymoon/love bombing phase is over. I learned all this the rough way.
It is very enjoyable to the narcissist to see people in distress. If possible, show zero emotions. No faking extra happiness bc that pisses them off. Don’t show that you’re upset, it’d confuse them. Don’t let them know what you’re planning, they’ll play nice and behind your back, do whatever possible to ruin it. Do not get your children involve and if you already have, tell them to act neutral with him/her, as if they don’t have an opinion on the matter. It’d probably take you awhile to get over him/her or not but you need to learn everything you can about self-care & Self-love. Do a couple months of learning before you try to date again. That’s my advice.
I have struggled for nearly 7 years with a man I love not least because we have a 4 year old son. I have searched and searched in frustration to understand why he cannot understand or act on the issues I have tried to communicate and address. He is work obsessed, is his main topic, can’t empathise, cannot deal with any critism, doesn’t seem to reflect or be self aware, is very selfish about my needs and some of our sons. I can’t decide if he has aspergers or if he’s a narcissist or both. We are about to break up as I can’t cope with anymore but if we can solve this to any better situation than now that would be amazing!
Sharon, your situation matches mine in solo many ways…wow…I’ve even thought my boyfriend has aspergers and narcissism as well.
What an awakening and comfort to know I’m not alone. All my life I’ve been the sensitive and emotional one while my partners were less caring and controlling of others. I have fallen deeply and intensely in love with these men even though I saw the warning signs and new I should get out. I’ve recently realized that my mother is a narcissist who has always been overly critical of me and says and does things that hurt me without any concern for my feelings. She lives beyond her means always having to be better then the Jone’s. As long as I can remember, people who have been around her have told me that she comes off as being arrogant and snobbish. She stayed married to a man who mentally and emotionally abused me through my childhood. I was so traumatized by this man that I attempted suicide at the age of 12. I then went on to abuse drugs and alcohol and have battled addiction and mental health problems my whole life. She has never acted regretful for all the years of abuse I suffered instead she blames me and never misses a chance to criticize or shame me. As I said before the men I’ve chosen have had the same narcissistic behaviors. I’m now beginning to see that its not just me and these people have serious problems. I’m glad I found this site, I no longer feel so alone.
Hi Leigh
Your story has really touch a cord with me, I feel terrible for you, your upbringing if I can call it that, sounds awful beyond words, I had just come out of a relationship with a narcissist and have been looking into the what’s and the why’s and how I can stop this from happening to me again, as my previous relationships were also with people who had mental health problems.
So I stumbled across complex post traumatic stress syndrome, and there are therapists that are highly trained to council you through the layers of this type of trauma.
If you haven’t looked into this or already know about this I’d strongly advise you to do so…
Good luck with everything, apologies if you already know about this…
David
http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-c-ptsd
Look here. The best way to give these freaks of nature a mind-screw of their lives is by correcting them on their behaviors that offend you – right on the spot! The moment they cross universal boundaries of a human being with you, that would offend even themselves or a dog, call them on it! Even if it’s in front of anyone else or in private. But when you correct them on their behaviors in private, that’s when they go and distort the truth and paint you as all types of crazy. Chile, bye. Just check them and when they get crazy with that covert gossiping, smear campaign, elementary school blah blah blah, just trump their crazy! They’re aging babies with inflated egos. You could crush their egos before they shatter your image in a heartbeat. Call them on their buffoonery and don’t feel any shame or allow anyone to blame you for telling the truth about them. If they don’t want anyone to know how sick they are, then they should be more careful in choosing their targets for victimization and abuse. Regardless of their upbringings and childhood wounds, they’re freaks of nature who use past hurts as crutches and excuses to hurt others and alter/sabotage relationships. I have no pity for them.
I do not consider myself an empath. I am not sure what I am butI know I have been very hurt by an amorous narcissist. It has been devastating for me and it will take me a long time to get over this. I, too, think my father was a narcissist and my father and this narcissist had many common traits. This reopened a core wound which has been a brutal experience.
My current boss is a narcissist and am starting a new job soon to get away from him. I’ve worked with him for 8 months and believe I have perfected the strategy to dealing with narcissist. He is the precise description of a vulnerable narcissist. He flatters himself into believing only he can understand him and everyone thinks he is an outcast. Which is only true because he believes it.
I’ve had previous experiences with narcissists and this experience just rounded out my skills in dealing with them.
It is exactly as all the articles say: just ignore them! Its also narcissistic to martyr yourself into giving them attention. It is okay to let them continue stuffering the way they had been before they met you. Why? Because it is common narcissistic behavior to not learn or grow. No one can help them but themselves. The more help you give, the more you are enabling their behavior. The best way to help them is to ignore them.
If my boss wanted to tell me a personal story, I would respectfully listen and react authentically. If it was boring, I would communicate as much. That way they learn. Like children. They aren’t as cool as they think they are.
If my boss would bring a coat hanger from home so that I could praise him for wanting to hang my coat for me, I would give it back. Always act authentically. If you are uncomfortable with it, tell them. If you are annoyed, tell them. You can be passive, that’s okay. If that’s the most bravery you can muster, that is fine.
It is really all about maintaining your boundaries. Also, authenticity is the direct opposite of narcissism. So it combats it really well. Take baby steps. They aren’t going anywhere, you can take your time.
After a while of being authentic and ignoring them, they will go away. My boss doesn’t even talk to me anymore. He isn’t in my personal space, he doesn’t tell me about his life, he doesn’t share anything with me. If he needs something professional, he sends me and email or asks me if I have a moment. Then I get the purpose out of him and leave. I make it perfectly clear I am not there to be his friend. I am there to get work done. He either has work to give me or he doesn’t.
My boyfriend broke up with me its been 4 days now. We have been dating 18 months. Through out we have had a really good relationship it was serious and we really wanted to be with each other forever. Of course we had arguments but nothing too bad. I know that these months he took me for granted thinking i would always be there accept his apologies all the time. he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship that he wanted to take time with himself. But he was still kissing me and hugging me and telling me that he will always love me and I hold a special place in his heart. I realized that right before he done this that I needed to let him know he have to take me serious. I really love this boy there is something different about him he is the love of my life and I want us to have a better relationship, I really do want to marry this boy and he wanted that too but idk he cheat all the time. Obviously he needs to show me how much he loves me, we later had to break up because things was not going right with us, we went our different ways, he never called me after the breakup and i was told he had another girl friend after our breakup, one day i was searching online and i saw a good testimony of how Dr Mack restores broken marriages, getting ex back, fix broken relationship. so i copied his email via:dr_mack@yahoo. com and told him all my problems so he ask me not to worry that my problem will be solved 2 days, he said i will get him back which i believed, to my greatest notice, after the spell my boyfriend who broke up with me gave me a call to apologies and feel so sorry for what he did, we are back together,i got my boyfriend back with the help of Dr Mack
This article has opened my eyes. I just realise that I have managed to physically remove myself from my narcisistic partner. I suffered a nervous and physical breakdown almost three months ago. I am only barely functioning but getting help. To recognise tonight what has pushed me to this point in being an empath in such a relationship confirms to me that for my own sake, I can not go back. I am literally struggling to breath but I now have hope I can and will heal with time.
I didn’t read the biggest thing l have suffered under. Narcissists believe they know what you are thinking and don’t talk about things they see as obvious. Empaths can suffer same flaw, but there is a greater tendency in them to ask and listen to understand how to heal things best.
Also l am currently grieving. I have loved deeply to narcissists. In was the vulnerable one who took to me my knees and l still didn’t want to let him go. After healing l met another kind. The alcoholic, narcissists by health condition. It was reliving a bit of the worse and always hoping for the best, because when l was good…it was deeply fufilling.
I am grieving because both these men found love immediately. The first while we were together. The second months after dumping me. It hurts when people who aren’t kind or healthy keep finding truly beautiful people so fast… I have so much to give, yet finding love and attraction is so hard.