What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive?
Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons being presented.
Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundly manipulating and messing up your perceptions and sensibilities.
Why is it that empaths and narcissists – two diametrically opposed types of people – feel an almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe that it is Life’s way of restoring balance.
For example, let’s examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring, compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, let’s examine your typical narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply uncaring, indifferent, self-centered and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in contact with their “inverted/reverse” selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result of such an experience (although this doesn’t always happen immediately, but through trial and error). However, it is important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in their lives – any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.
4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Should Look Out For
So many articles out there talk about “protecting” yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this language promotes the disempowering notion that “other people are out to get you.” They’re not. People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others. The more you perceive yourself as a “victim” of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable you’ll be of truly owning your personal power as an empath.
A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously you’ll be able to behave and make decisions in their presence.
Main Types
Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:
Vulnerable Narcissists (VN’s)
These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, VN’s overcompensate by putting on a grandiose mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VN’s have an unshakeable need to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VN’s are primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus don’t have the capacity to authentically love and care for others. Additionally, VN’s use emotional manipulation (such as shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.
Invulnerable Narcissists (IN’s)
These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person, cold and unempathetic person. IN’s, unlike VN’s, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power, glory, recognition, and pleasure. IN’s often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be far superior to everyone else – and they have a pathological need to make that known.
Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.
Subtypes
Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following (unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:
The Amorous Narcissist
Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are the ultimate relationship con artists, “gold diggers” and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their own needs and desires.
The Compensatory Narcissist
Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives, this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and manipulation is a common method of control used by this type.
The Elitist Narcissist
This breed of person does anything to climb to the “top,” win and completely dominate others. Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters, braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the “best” and prove themselves to be intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.
The Malignant Narcissist
The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths and those with antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs. immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in “outsmarting” others. This type of narcissist can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage to run afoul of the law.
The Awakened Empath eBook:
Written for the highly sensitive and empathic people of life, Awakened Empath is a comprehensive map for helping you to develop physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual balance on every level.
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Now that you have read through the different “flavors” of narcissism you might be thinking, “what next?”
The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact with such people. I recommend reading our article on how to love yourself more for further direction.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to know more about narcissists and empaths, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
There are so many empaths out there currently struggling to catch a breath of air in the large murky ocean of narcissism saturating their lives. If you are one of these people, I hope that this article can be a starting place to help heal your life. You’re also invited to unload your experiences in the comments area (rants and emotional catharsis encouraged).
On the other hand, if you are an empath that has successfully learned to deal with narcissists, please take some time to share what you’ve discovered below. You never know … your comment could help to salvage another’s life.
In my experience with elitist and or invulnerable narcissists, a stoic way of dealing with them is the Gray Rock method.
Dear Loner Wolf:
I really enjoy your website and have probably read it several times over the last several years of transformation.
I was married for nearly twenty years to a narcissist, but did not understand it, because my mother was also a narcissist. And, because of that, I directed everything inward – believing if I could only make myself invulnerable and perfect and accept blame for all problems, then I could make the relationship work.
About four years ago, I developed an intense overwhelming crush on a young man, 24 years my junior, with whom I worked closely. I believe, at the beginning, he reciprocated. I was so obsessed with him and pleasing him that I went to therapy because I was unable to focus on anything else.
Since we were part of a larger community, many of our co-workers noted to me how selfish and arrogant he came across and how much I sacrificed myself for his career. I also noticed that he did not have many friends, but I thought that meant he was choosy and had chosen me. At first, I did not see any faults. I thought he was the most special wonderful thing that had ever happened to me. But over time, it became more apparent. I noticed his “friends” were much like myself – desperate and insecure people pleasers. And over time, after the intense attention that he showed me at the beginning of our relationship wore off, he checked off every box of narcissistic/psychopathic behavior – triangulation, inability to apologize, gaslighting, deflecting criticism back to me, projection, extreme self-centeredness. And since he was so young, he was not skilled at veiling it. After a prolonged and painful period of devaluation (we worked together for 2 1/2 years) he discarded me as if I was worth less than a piece of used tissue.
It was never an affair, always a work relationship, but after the discard, I started couple’s therapy with my husband. I entered therapy believing all of the problems in our relationship were my fault because I had become so obsessed with this young man. I was also struggling with a complete lack of physical attraction to my husband – even deeper, an absolute revulsion to him – but I also felt this was my fault and that I should try to fix it. But, with help from my therapist and, surprisingly, the couple’s therapist, I saw that my husband had these same narcissistic behaviors as the young man, he was just far more skilled at manipulation. I realized that my ex had found my Achille’s heel, motherhood. While I outperformed him in work, achievements, health, and friends, I had always felt vulnerable in the area of motherhood because I had such a poor relationship with my own mother. My ex was constantly putting me down and making fun of me with the children, which I eventually realized is an extremely damaging abuse tactic called parental alienation. He was trying to create an us against them dynamic in the family. He would buy the children a lot of gifts and provide almost no supervision, but then get very angry when they acted out.
After six months of marriage counseling, and after my ex decided not to go because I had “poisoned” the counselor against him, I left. It was the hardest decision I ever made. And it has been and continues to be extremely difficult to share parenting with him as he lies to lawyers about me. (But, as a godsend, he has been in therapy for over 7 years due to his “anger” issues, (which he says are totally better though I never saw any change) and I now know that his therapist knows what’s up and has been helpful in curbing the worst of some of his behaviors).
It has now been a little over a year since I left. I have had many short-term relationships, some painful, some fun. I am dating under the mantra of DON’T CHASE. If someone does not appear fully into me, I won’t chase. I am definitely a chaser and have had a few challenges with that (still a little hung up with the first person I was with after leaving, who went back to what I believe is his narcissistic ex – but after a few poor decisions of checking up on him, I have finally let that go.)
And here is where I am now. About six months ago now, at a festival, I was wandering about and saw a man my age that I felt an instant energy connection – attraction. I gave him my phone number (first time I have ever done that) and he called a few days later. We went out for dinner on what would have been my twenty-year anniversary. I had just learned from old friends who felt like it was finally safe to tell me, 6 months after leaving, that my ex had been cheating on me for years. So, looking back, I was in a rash and angry place, and so celebrated by sleeping with this man on the first date. And we started hanging out together.
On Christmas Day, I realized this guy was absolutely a narcissist. He started distancing, projecting, and triangulating. I saw it and left. I told him I needed space.
On Valentine’s Day, after very kindly giving me space, he asked if we could meet for closure. I agreed, intending to give him closure, like I had done for several other people I had dated and left after realizing I did not want to be with them. And he looked so sweet, and contrite, and apologized for all the right things in the right way. And I still had a pretty intense attraction. And I went back.
And now its Easter. And I have all the information I need. I realize that I am choosing the narcissists. I am feeling energy off of people, and I realize that their energy reminds me of my mother, my most primal relationship, and it is a primal attraction. There is an absence in their soul, filled with pain and hurt, that I can feel in them. And I want to soothe it for them, as I did for my mother from the age of 2 to probably around 12 when I rebelled. And as I realize I did for my ex for the first 10 or so years we were together, until I was utterly spent.
And one difference this time, is that I am totally aware. I know I should leave. And I am telling myself I deserve a relationship where energy goes in both directions, not me sending my energy into a void. But I realize now, that I seek and am attracted to these voids. I am, in a way, comfortable with being invisible in a relationship.
And another difference is, the power differential goes in the opposite direction. (It actually always did, I just refused to see it.) I am self-sufficient with a wide group of friends and colleagues and have achieved professional success in several arenas. This person is lucky to have me and I feel I can leave whenever because there is nothing holding me to this relationship. But for now I am enjoying having attraction and enjoying spending time with someone with similar interests. I see the crazy narcissistic behaviors, and for the first time, instead of desperately seeking approval, I see how others must find the constant need to demonstrate superiority extremely irritating. And, as I look in myself, I see I find it soothing.
I also see that narcissists in their need to impress and feel superior, are also quite open to being manipulated – and I am feeling less wrong to use that to protect myself and erect boundaries – around my personal space and time, and around what I will say or do.
And finally, I see something that I never saw before. That I am excellent narcissistic supply. I was raised to be so by a narcissistic mother. I constantly praise and reassure others. And my hard won successes reflect well on those in my company.
So I guess my biggest realization is that, while narcissists may be attracted to me because I am excellent supply and had inappropriate boundaries, I am most definitely primally attracted to narcissists and that gaping hole inside them. For now, I am going to see where an aware relationship goes. If it gets painful once this time of idealization has run its course, as I expect it will, I will move on. But in the meantime, I am experimenting with watching my feelings, being honest about my feelings with myself and with this person, and erecting boundaries of protection around my soul.
Wow, incredible story, PJB. Your writing is riveting. I feel impressed and proud, reading about your journey of self-realization. My story is bizarrely similar. Even down to the work relationship with the younger guy. I had just watched an interesting video this morning: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSX-2lsU8cY and actually, it was the search for that video that led me to this website. I’m looking forward to exploring this amazing website as well. But in the meantime, check out the above video. It’s entertaining, and it was just the message I was in the mood to hear today. It may resonate with you as well? It helps you chuckle at the narcissists in our lives, and observe them from a less emotional perspective, as you seem to be doing at this point in your life. I wish you the best. I wish you to find a normal, stable, non-narcissist person to partner with! It may be more boring, but it will be a whole different kind of rewarding. It will be peaceful.
The last 13 years I’ve been with the same woman. It was great in the beginning. Seemed like nothing could stop us. We had kids and everything was peachy. Then things changed. She started isolating me from family and friends. Then the threats started coming. She started using the kids against me, with lines like “I’ll take my kids and leave” everytime we had a disagreement, and I would give in because it was easier then arguing. I always tried to help her, wanted her to address the problem but everytime I asked her to seek help, I was the problem. She was the victim. Then we separated and the “please can we make this work, I’ll change I promise “ started. But that’s as far as it ever went. And still to this day I try to help her. Is there any hope at all?
I am no specialist so take my thoughs with a grain of salt. I’ve been reading a lot and what everybody says/writes is that you cannot help them. They must realize this by themselves, accept it and then ask for help or start working on themselves. A genuine self reflection.
Thank you for posting this!! I was dating someone who for months seemed the loving and doting boyfriend. But as soon as he had me hooked the mask came off and the cold, ridiculing, insensitive self came out. He broke up with me because he didn’t like me addressing behaviors I didn’t approve of. I was stunned and grasped to understand how he went from loving me to discarding me with little to no warning nor reasoning. I read the classic narcissistic signs and fits him to a tee. He did me a huge favor. It now makes sense!
I’m positive that one of my co-workers, with whom I had a brief romantic fling, and who, up until very recently, I considered a friend, falls into the category of a Vulnerable Amorous Narcissist. His ticks nearly all the criterion on the list. It got to such an extreme point where our work environment was so toxic and hostile, that I had to go to our supervisor and request that we no longer work together directly. I’ve forgive him time and time again for the horrible way he speaks to, takes advantage of, and gaslights me, but I’ve finally wisened up that the only way to protect myself is to sever ties completely. There is no scenario in which we can ever have a healthy and functional working or interpersonal relationship.
I’ve generally found that a quickish way to figure out if someone may be a narcissist is to identify if you have that “walking on eggshells feeling” around them you shouldnt have to watch what you say if you’re a kind hearted person speaking to another person who is capable of empathy. Another quick thing is just to try to set a boundary. if the other person gets angry with you instead of trying to find a happy middle/accept the boundary, then they likely have low/no empathy. I find it best to just remove all contact with these people, we are too understanding and will get suckered back in with even small amounts of contact.
I have a parent who I believe to be a narcissist. It’s like he only needs me when best suited for him & only talks to me when best suited for him as well. He has constantly thrown me under the bus to multiple family members & outsiders. He was never there throughout my life bc he was caught up in criminal activities & always locked up. I find trying to mend a relationship with him exhausting & honestly I want nothing to do with him. Really I just want some advice & wanted to share my situation in short.
I never noticed for 3.5 years that I was being lied to, mindfucked, and cheated on, while raising her kid and our baby. Mainly cuz I was a naive Taurus that had no reason to not take anything she said at face value. I would get a bad feeling sometimes and I would ask if she was cheating on me, and be like you’d tell me if you were right? Like an idiot. And go back to thinking all was fine, but she accused me of oddly specific scenarios like I know you cheated on me with Sarah last Wednesday at 1142 PM in apt. 113! And I worked till 12 pm the whole 3 years lol. Constantly isolated from family and friends while told we never go anywhere then ridiculed every second when we left. I slept on my couch for the last 8 months we lived together while she already had a new boyfriend. She turned my own family against me won custody of my daughter who’s now a 4 yr old diabetic, and got me thrown in jail for stalking after she kidnapped my child from me. To the point of being homeless and jobless she found a.way to take everything. In just now able to manage my life again 1 year later. Even when my daughter was in critical condition her mom couldn’t stop the mindgame or be genuine at all just found little ways to fuck with me like making the nurses think I’m a deadbeat. So messed up and still seeking psychological help after this life grenade.
I know that you must grey rock them and love them from a distance me as a an empath I cannot help but love them so it must be this way they will always come back and try to keep you as a good source of supply. We are actually the best. They feed and we give. Leaving us exhausted and drained. You must go no contact for a while and heal or atleast that was my personal experience. Having been raised by a malignant narcissist. Me being the way I am saved me plenty of times and wouldn’t change it for nothing. But you must educate yourself to understand what your up against and understand rather than expect to be understood itll never happen especially for someone who’s truly narcissistic. Thank you for your time.
It took me more than a few gems (narcassists) for me to finally recognize quickly when I am not respecting exactly how I feel around someone. . Previously I knew every time but let it slide, played it cool, gave more time or chances. Therefore getting deeper in it and hurt more when it ended.
Now the first time I feel the uncomfortable feeling about something they say or do I wrapt it around my head. Ask myself am I okay with it, if not I bail, no explaining, no conversation. If I decide I did not like the way I felt when the narc did xyz I do not second guess my own feelings.
I came across you article at the exact time that I needed to remember to love myself and acknowledge the fact that my new relationship is with an Elitest Narcissist with overlapping characteristics. I just feel the need to write this in the hopes to stop myself from trying to ‘fight my way upstream” everyday and have the courage to do so. I’m am Empath. I have had a difficult time drawing the boundaries which would help me. I’ve drowned in one relationship after another with a narcissist.i was hopeful this time because he said he had just broken up with a narcissist and how horrible it was……..so of course I thought he couldn’t be a narcissisy. But if I don’t speak intelligently enough for him on the phone he says he’s got to go and hangs up on me. If he misunderstands or I say something the wrong way he calls me the most vile names and says it’s over. If I don’t allow him to speak with such infuriating superiority then he accuses me of being dumb, unable to carry-on such an intelligent conversation. I am more than capable of doing so but having fun, laughing etc are important parts of a relationship so it can grow and be healthy. When I try to say things to him in my happy way he begins one upping me on every single thing I say. I end up feeling like I’ve done something wrong or maybe I really am stupid. He will say things to me, or write or leaves phone messages about something and then deny he ever said those things. He makes me feel like I’m going crazy. I have to check and recheck everything I do to make sure I’m not losing my mind. I’ve loved this person for years. We’ve just reconnected after quite a few years. I think I’ve been holding on to who is was vs who he has become. The instant anger and vile, hateful words he screams at me scare me and hurt so deeply. I need to stop trying to explain that I didn’t do whatever he’s freaking out about. I feel like the dark rage I feel from him is going to suffocate me. Then I’m berated like a child when he calms down. I used to feel love from him that would envelope me like a warm cloak. This is so confusing to me. Does he really love me? I feel so much from people I become overwhelmed with the emotions when I am around large groups. But right now my feelings for this man are so conflicted.
The title Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare by author Shahida Arabi is an incredibly helpful book. I recommend it to all persons who have been and are being affected by a narcissist(s). It will change your life!
This was so incredibly eye opening for me. I’ve spent all of my adult years in turbulent relationships with men that started out seemingly wonderful and ended in me running for the hills. I began to believe, after a while, that it was my fault. It’s interesting to see it all on paper and understand that those personality types seek out people like me who just want to help and protect, but also that I seek out people who appear strong and confident because I know that I can hide behind their overwhelming personality. It’s been an exhausting cycle for me and this was very helpful to understand what’s been going on and the way that I’ve been targeted. Thank you!
Wow!! This is very helpful!!!! I am an empath and have been caught up (still in recovery) from relationships and friendships with narcissists.
The sub-categories really describe these people. (who I have severed all contact with)…the deepest connection I have had (and am recovering well from) is a very successful actor who I started a relationship with when I was 16 – he was 29. It lasted over 20 years!!! I am also an actress…Harvey Weinstein has helped me recognise the ‘grooming’ as I was a very shy, introverted teenager who was delighted that this attractive, popular, talented man wanted to be with ME!
I now know how to behave with narcissistic people: stay clear!! I have learned self-care, improved self esteem and confidence along with accepting my choices and how aI got there.
I now know about boundaries and feel empowered not to allow another to take advantage of my vulnerability. It is a two way process – so I don’t feel like ‘a victim’…and I have self-compassion in order not to blame myself for getting into situations with narcissists.
You live – you learn! This stuff should be taught in schools!
I am a very empathetic person and for some reason I was surrounded with narcissist, they just gluing on me like a fly on the jam, after become paycology student I started to see everything with a different eyes, the problem out there is a balance, empathetic people will not be attracted to following empathetic people because they have a lot to give away, in other side narcissist cannot be with narcissistic person because there is nothing from them to take, I often ask narcissists what exactly that makes them comeback to me? All of them says same thing ‘ it feels like I am at home, it feels safe with you and warm’ unfortunately due to their nature only take and take we as an empath run out of supply and that’s when we feel emotional brake down. As for me I can say I am not attracted to a person who looks as soft as me I need an alpha Male, not a crazy psycho but an alpha Male . And that’s why many of us stuck in those relationships because we feel complete. They cannot leave us because they feel safe ( but due to their lack of empathy) they don’t know and have no clue how to give, and we stock with them because of too much energy in us that needs to be given away.
I just wanted to say so true I’ve dated so many narcissistic people on top of my mother & grandmother having it and my child’s father whom I was with 12 years in which I’m lucky to have finally got away from the beginning of last year because he of course had more going on being just being a narcissist..but when you get to my point in the reason that I am replying to your comment is because I see you are saying narcissist want to be with people that are alpha males and narcissistic people are not alpha males yes. It might seem like they have some of the alpha male traits but a alpha male is a leader and doesn’t really care what people think of them just as alpha females which is something I actually used to be I was not born can be a flat-out empathetic person I was actually told all the trauma that I have been through had seem to make me that way…. Because before I was with him yes I was nice and I help people but not like to the extent of how I am now and I didn’t care what people thought about me I mean I did as far as I didn’t want people did be out telling lies on me got something like that just pissed me off but I did not go around trying to please people…. Most articles you read about an alfa see now it says they are always alpha female but I don’t think they take into consideration someone being abused for so long makes them more timed and it changes a person…… But ok sorry I just wanted to point that out because I figured you had probably not thought about it because I automatically think of my ex I’ll be an alpha males that when you come down to it they actually care a lot about what people think of them that’s actually that all they care about and they try to look like a leader but when it comes down to it their followers.
I know I am an empath and that is my heart and soul for 53 years. 30 years now with a man who I didn’t know was a narcissist (my mother was one big time and I will never ever get over low self worth due to her deep neglect. I hate her. And now I hate him. I see clearly that he has zero compassion, particularly for me and treats me badly. He is an emotional abuser who was spoiled by his dumb mom. He won’t take responsibility for one thing and blames it all on me. He claims I am the only one in the world that he has a problem with and I’d better get help. Today I made this realization of truth. I am good and loving and caring and devoted. He is selfish and lazy. I thought all problems were my fault and I don’t deserve goodness. I am wrong. He is sick. He is an abuser. He has no love in his heart. There is no way out
I appreciate this post and all of the comments so much! It reminds me of when I came face to face with a Hobo spider in my bathroom. It was terrifying of course, but I started to research all spiders after that, and the more I learned about their identities, behavior patterns and tendencies, the more equipped I felt to manage any future encounters with a wide range of spiders. Interestingly, I am actually quite fond of several species now that I know more about them and can distinguish between the threatening ones and the more docile kinds. I don’t think I will ever become fond of narcissists no matter how much I learn about them…but, just as Hobo spiders have marked the range as the most dangerous spiders (in my area anyways), narcissists mark the range as the most dangerous humans, and I know that my best course of action always is to avoid them once they’ve been positively identified. Additionally, now that I have identified and learned how to deal with the most dangerous species, I feel (by default) prepared to confront or be confronted with all others on the range. If you have survived a poisonous spider or a narcissist, congratulations! You are now ready to take on the remainder of the lesser threatening species while having gained the insight of how never to fall prey to the most dangerous ones again.
I absolutely love your spider analogy! Perfect way to look on it – it made me smile. Brilliant. Thank you x
❤️ Loved the spider analogy!
I was raised by a narcissist and his enabler who I thankfully never bonded with and always knew there was something wrong with him. I discovered the secret to dealing with narcissists is to be deeply, consciously grounded in yourself. Find your center, spend time there in prayer and meditation so that you can build a strong connection to it. And then be on the lookout for internal experiences that signal you’re being pulled out of alignment with your center. For me, red flags are feeling pressured, feeling overly obligated, feeling like I can’t catch my breath or an urge to give up on life. When I notice this happening, I have this visual of an ice skater spinning and pulling her arms and legs in close to increase the speed of the skin. I use it to visualize drawing myself into my center. When we’re in our center, we’re much less vulnerable to being manipulated so it reduces our appeal as a plaything for the narcissist. And by returning to our center in real time rather than waiting until we’re totally out of order to recognize that there’s a problem, it makes recovery from any harm done by the mind games of the narcissist much quicker and easier. And it works like muscle memory – it gets easier with practice.
Keeping your center will drive off most narcissists who find someone they can’t manipulate distasteful to deal with, but when you do end up having to deal with one the most important thing for us as empaths to do is refuse to carry their energy and emotions for them. Narcissists have an almost complete inability to take responsibility for themselves and that extends to their emotions. The narcissist believes that other people are responsible for managing their internal experiences. They believe that if they feel bad, it’s because someone has mistreated them. Their version of love is “be sure that I don’t experience negative emotions”. The reason I believe narcissists find empaths so appealing is because we actually have the capacity to carry much of the responsibility for their emotional experiences. We respond to what they’re feeling before they’re even consciously aware that they’re feeling. Even though, obviously, it’s impossible to completely manage another person’s emotional life for them, someone who tends to their feelings before they’ve actually had to experience them much less examine, think about and address them, works very well for a narcissist. Because we’re so tuned into emotional cues other people miss, we’re particular vulnerable to absorbing this unclaimed emotional energy that narcissists walk around with. If we’ve gotten caught up in a relationship with a narcissist we may be afraid to stop taking on the energy if the emotions the narcissist won’t take responsibility for because that forces them to experience and respond to their unpleasant emotional state and narcissists can get very nasty when that happens. So it’s vital to pay attention to who you are absorbing emotional energy from when you experience it. See if it has an internal source or if you’re picking it up from elsewhere. If you’re picking it up from elsewhere, remind yourself that it’s not your to carry and it’s not helpful to be responsible for emotional energy and experiences that don’t belong to you. In fact, it’s actually stunting to the other person to have someone who protects them from their own emotions. So you can feel the pull of their emotions, you can empathize with them, but you have to resist the urge to respond to them. If you can see the other person is angry, make them say that they’re angry and why before you address their anger, for example. Instead of jumping up to help with something, refuse to move unless they ask you to do so. This will drive away the narcissists who have no interest in changing and help those who are open to change begin to take responsibility for themselves once they can’t get someone else to do it for them.
When you’re centered and healthy, you exert a gravitational pull on the people around you that pushes them to move towards their own health and growth. Being healthy and centered is part of how we serve the people who come in contact with us. Including, when possible, the narcissists.
wow thank you!!!
Rebecca what you wrote blew my mind as it synthesizes so much of the most useful material in existence on healing from linking up with narcissists. I want to print your writing. It needs to be shared worldwide. I have seen multiple sites and authors who don’t quite crystallize and articulate it like you did. What a guide. In so few words. Well-done. Thank you. I hope you spread that piece of writing further.
This was incredibly insightful, thank you so much. I think this will really help me in my marriage. <3
. The narcissist believes that other people are responsible for managing their internal experiences. They believe that if they feel bad, it’s because someone has mistreated them. Their version of love is “be sure that I don’t experience negative emotions”.
THAT is going into my notes. So yrue,. So concise.
Hi I had many relationships with narcissist and I’m currently in one. This is the man I love i knew with in weeks some thing was off to good to be true yet I love him a few months later I knew who I was dealing with and called him out on it he immediately dumped me 4 months pregnant. Came begging back only weeks later even tho he jumped into new relationship days later and moved in with in a week and with in 2 they was trying for a baby at week 3 he wanted me again and yes I took him back coz I love him. A year of hell later and a beautiful baby boy I still very much love him still remind him that I know who he is and when he starts his shit I stand my ground and boy he hates it but I truly believe he does love me the only way he can to him I am the most important person in the world…. after himself of course. So I came to this understand and had to pick let this man who I adore and love go or except him for who he is and rife the game of life. I feel we will work as long I as I stand my ground with him and remind him of that from time to time. Anyway it’s been a few months now and it’s actually working he still true to gaslight me when we disagree on things but he knows that shit will not fly and I ignore him till he is able to be real again ☺ I hope I’m strong enough he really is my world x
I’m so sorry that you feel you wan to live life like that, you deserve so much more. He will never love you, he is not able to…. Your love can never be returned, he is just using you. I wish you all the luck in the world!
Michelle, I feel extremely sorry for your child.
He is going to turn your child against you and you him as a weapon to destroy you. That is, if he doesnt go to the grocery store for a gallon of milk one day and just never come back. Good luck to you both!
I’m 32 I’ve been on benzos (xanax) cocaine and alcohol the past 14 years I’m 5 months clean now, I’ve realised recently that I had been taking all this stuff not just from past traumas but to block myself from other people, since I’m clean I’ve started to realise the amount of toxic people around me, it was becoming very hard to handle at one point I felt I needed a xanax this is when I realized why I had been taking them, it’s such a tough road been an empath since I’ve made this discovery I’ve done nothing but cry, its painful to know that the ones that were closest to me were emotionally damaging me to the point I nearly lost my sanity and have damaged my health, empaths please be aware that there is alot of these people around you and closer than you think, mind yourselves x
Empathy and compassion are very different from each other. And empath gets hurt it’s not just fault of a narcissist but themselves too. Because most empaths stupidly trusts others.
Hades – Can I suggest we use the word “naive” instead of “stupid”. I have a big problem with self-blame. It sets up back and isn’t helpful.
We aren’t orb knowing everything; life is a process of learning. We get into relationships with narcissistic people because (as empaths) we really are sensitive to narcissists’ pain/trauma. But, I agree we are responsible for getting into this symbiotic relationship; which spurs on the narcissist.
When we know what we are (empaths), THEN, we can take responsibility to avoid bad relationships.
I blamed myself for years; called myself “stupid” and suffered my own personal crises (several emotional breakdowns wore me down and I believed suicide was my only escape!).
I am so grateful that many others are now sharing their experiences and knowledge which empowering us to make better choices and care more for ourself firstly (before interacting with others & sharing our innermost feeling & sensitivities) x