You feel a sense of anger and deep pain rippling through you. How could they leave you so brutally, and without a second thought?
How could they take your love and trust, and throw it to the wind as if it didn’t even matter – as if YOU didn’t matter?
If you’ve experienced abandonment in your life before you will know how far the wounds of being “second best” or “not worth it” run within you. You will be very aware of how feeling unwanted has changed the person you are and the way you interact with others.
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One thing I’ve learned on my path is that abandonment takes many different shapes and forms. Feeling unwanted and unloved can manifest itself physically, emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually. But the one thing that all of these different facets of being neglected have in common is the big gaping hole they leave in our lives.
Today I want to explore that void within you.
“I Am Not Worth It” Might Be Your Core Wound
When we experience a severe form of abandonment or neglect, particularly at a young age, the shock from that experience tends to stay with us for the rest of our lives. But these shocking experiences continue to dwell within us only if we fail to explore them. These experiences when left unexamined for too long become our core wounds or the deepest fundamental beliefs that we have about ourselves on an unconscious level.
As Sol wrote in his article “How to Discover Your Deepest, Darkest Core Wound”:
Our core wounds are our deepest seated pains in life. They are our oldest and most miserable friends. For most of us, these core wounds within us are ruled by the following two mistaken beliefs:
“I am flawed and therefore a bad person.”
“I must change or fix something about myself in order to be acceptable.”
Other common core wounds that arise as a product of feeling unwanted include, “I am not worth it,” “I am unlovable,” and “I am irreparably broken.”
4 Ways to Deal With Feeling Unwanted and Unloved
We have found ourselves in a period of time which I like to call the Individualist Era. As our ability to communicate empathetically and meaningfully with others breaks down as a result of our “ME FIRST!” corporate and materialist culture, we find that our families, friendships and relationships are as unstable as ever. Therefore, more and more of us are experiencing the isolation of being abandoned, cheated and forgotten.
What can we do to explore and heal these core wounds? How can we tear down the brick walls that shelter the tattered remnants of our hearts? And finally, how can we become stronger, more whole people again?
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Like you, I have experienced abandonment in many different shapes and forms. Like you, I have suffered terribly as a result of it. But today I want to provide you with something proactive, something that will empower you to take your life in your own hands again.
This is what I have personally learned about facing the pain of feeling unwanted:
1. Most people don’t want themselves
In other words, most people don’t LIKE, respect, or even value themselves. There is a huge self-love deficit in our society which is reflected in every layer of our lives. As a result, those of us who struggle with loving ourselves tend to sabotage our relationships with others. How can a person who doesn’t know how to love themselves show love towards others? It doesn’t happen. Understanding this can help you to better empathize with others, or at the very least, comprehend why they behave the way they do.
2. You are a victim of circumstance, but you don’t have to pity yourself
I discovered this the hard way: the more you victimize yourself and romanticize your pain, the more you will stay stuck in cycles of misery and resentment. It’s tempting to use our stories of abandonment and mistreatment to make us secretly feel righteous and special, but the truth is that this does more harm than good. Mourning what we lost is a natural part of the grief cycle, but constantly revisiting and dwelling on our stories is unhealthy and even self-destructive. I’ve found that accepting what happened is vital to the process of inner growth and transformation, WITHOUT self-pity.
3. Everyone has a different soulful capacity
Just as everything in life goes through varies stages of maturation, so too does the soul. Why is it that some people are born with old souls, and others remain young at heart until death? I believe the answer lies in something I call soulful maturity. I explore this concept more in depth in my book. Soulful maturity determines how much capacity we have for forethought, compassion, empathy and unconditional love – and these factors all have an impact on the way we treat others. For example, some people are naturally pack-orientated and blinded by fear of the “other,” while other groups of people are open, accepting and peace-making.
So what does any of this have to do with feeling unwanted and abandoned? Well the point is that some people just don’t have the capacity to be genuinely kind, considerate and faithful – at least for now. They haven’t reached that point in their soulful maturing yet. Thus their behavior can come across as insensitive, reckless and even cruel.
Understanding that everyone has a different soulful capacity has helped me to personally become a more lenient and forgiving person.
4. It is possible to fill that empty hole YOURSELF
It sounds crazy, right? How can we fill the empty holes within ourselves? Don’t we need other people by default to do that for us? No, we don’t. As children we did, but as adults we don’t. Unfortunately many of us still carry the unconscious belief that we need to find another person to help us become whole and complete. But have you ever questioned the validity or truth in this belief? Don’t get me wrong, other people can provide you with immense support and assistance, but they can never authentically fill that void within you. Only you can.
But how? One of the best ways I have learned to do this (particularly if you were abandoned as a child emotionally, mentally or physically), is by learning how to re-parent your inner child. However, if you are dealing with the pain of feeling unloved as an adult (perhaps as a result of divorce or breakup), self-love is the ultimate way to overcome this trauma. In another article, explore how to love yourself more.
Final Thoughts …
Learning how to love yourself is hard – so is learning how to re-parent your inner child – however they are both vital tools that will help you to become vulnerable again, and therefore receptive to giving and receiving love.
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What is your opinion on the advice given in this article? Have you managed to deal with your feelings of being unwanted, and if so, how?
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I agree with much of the article…particularly that of our society being in the “individualist era”. But I do disagree with a couple of points – namely, that I believe that self-love is extremely difficult, if not impossible. I believe that we can respect ourselves, honor ourselves and take care of ourselves….but loving ourselves is a bit like giving ourselves a massage. It just doesn’t quite “do it”. I think love comes from the outside and this is how we learn what it is. We have to have at least one role model from which to learn what it’s like to feel loved and how to love. I also don’t think you need to “love” yourself to love others. I’m living proof of that……I also disagree with the point that we don’t need anyone else to feel “whole”. Most of us thrive with connection with others, and wilt without it. What is a “whole” person, anyway? I don’t believe there’s any such thing; however, I do know what you’re getting at there. But what I’m saying is that those people who would fit your definition of “whole” tend to have been well-loved by at least one person, and perhaps is the type of person who really enjoys being alone primarily. Nothing wrong with that…there are many people who do not want to be married or even in a relationship. But unless one is that type of solitary personality, most of us don’t do well on our own. And I don’t believe we’re meant to. Some of these points actually seem to point towards the individualistic mentality the article is discussing! I believe we actually DO need, and crucially so, connection with others – in order to grow as people and thrive. Even animals must have connection with each other. I hear what you’re saying about the “void” and of course a person can’t expect other people to be their “everything”, but connection with others does fill the void. Yes, passion for work, or a hobby, etc…can partly fill the void, but we are social creatures. In this increasingly disconnected society, we absolutely need other people to fill us, and we in turn fill others with joy, life, laughter, care, empathy, compassion, etc….all the beautiful things that make life WORTH living.
Incredibly well said! You could not be more spot on. Thank you.
Jenna I don’t think you get it!Society advocates that you fill your life with outer things, but when those things are taken away a person’s world falls apart. So most people spend their whole lives investing in temporary external things and there is nothing wrong with that if you don’ mind having codependent relationships where you expect other people to make you happy. But that is hard to do seeing as our nature as humans is that we are flawed. I doubt the article was advocating being blissfully alone. The point is to have a decent relationship with other people and the world you need to sort your relationship with yourself first, because all your relationships will be mirrors of your relationship with yourself. Don’t believe me? Well answer this question :why do some women attract men that beat them and stay with them and others would never ever allow this to happen? Simple, a woman being beaten up has little love or regard for herself and believes she doesn’t deserve better than a man who treats her badly. A woman who has regard for herself would never attract a man like that let alone stay in a relationship like that. I know that what the article states is true because I am living it. This has been my journey and it isn’t easy. But I am not going into relationships expecting others to make me happy, because if I cannot do that for myself what chance has someone else got to do that for me?Ultimately most relationship start out ideal and then morph into relationships with the same issues we were trying to come to terms with with our parents. People do this over and over again until the notice what they are doing.I think Aletheia is saying to fix yourself instead of deflecting the issues onto others because then it becomes about the problem not being you but others. But guess what it is always you: one because you attracted that person, and two because you can only attract who you are. So if you don’t like who are attracting then looking closer to home is more prudent, then spending a life chasing unicorns. When this falls into place then life and relationships are a rich tapestry of the richness of life.
I am a caregiver and my employers and their kids love me same is through that I love them so much.
I am so disappointed lately! I was not aware that the faucet in the kitchen of my employer that I ran to wash the kales overflowed because the leaves of the kale clogged on the sink hole! I went upstairs to fold the clothes thinking that the water would just run smoothly down the drainage. When I am about to check it, It literally flooded and I was so late saving the kitchen wood tiles area. The house is a brand new one, we just moved recently. Now they need a renovation but it is still covered by the insurance, though. My employers forgave me what had happened because it was accidental but I can’t justgo through with my life normally! I feel ashamed, this self-blame feeling, guilty and it haunts me everyday knowing that I blew their kitchen up!
They still trust me and I would still love to work with them but I can’t avoid the feeling of frustration. I just want to know if this feeling will pass!
Thank you and God bless!
Hello,
I have a feeling that I may have abandonment issues. Ever since childhood I have always been very lonely. People just don’t like me. I’ve never been good with women and I feel like ending it. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to because everyone says they are ‘busy’ which is bulls££t as it only takes 4 seconds to send a message. But no one ever does. It’s always been me to instigate meeting up. I am happily married but there is little time for romance. I’m desperately lonely and cry a lot without my wife knowing about it. I’m an artist who’s not doing very well at the moment but I am studying an MA in fine art. I’m doing what I want as I teach adults art part time. These changes have happened to m recently over the last two years after being in a job that had no future for me. Since I’ve made these changes, I’ve lost a lot of friends and have become lonely and tearful a lot. Can you help me break out of this lonely feeling cos none of my friends are around anymore. I’m desperate for human contact and I feel no one cares about me. I’m so so sad and am afraid I might do something stupid..:.. please help me.
Every time I go online to see instagram and Facebook I see my old friends having a good time and selling paintings and being with sexy women and I’m at home getting more and more depressed…….
Hi Lindsay, thank you for sharing I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering so much.
First thing: do a social media detox. Stop logging in, take a break for a week (preferably more) and see how you feel. Toxic comparison is a little devil that must be nipped in the bud. Remember that people only present an image of their lives that they want others to see — they don’t post all the ugliness, loneliness, and embarrassing flaws they have. Next, research local groups that share your same interests (try a meditation or mindfulness group) – you can also look up support groups. Next, consciously make more time to spend with your wife. Cut out non-essential things and carve out time to connect. This could be as simple as taking a walk with the dog together or eating a meal together. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and share how you feel. If your wife cannot honor or hold space for your vulnerability there is a serious problem. I hope this helps. Much love
I’ve never been loved either by parents or any romantic paetner. In my mid 30’s and all my life have been alone. I have heartbreakingly come to the conclusion that I will never marry or have children. I will spend the rest of my life alone.
Same here. Mid thirties. No kids, no partner. Always alone, even if I’m surrounded by people at work or events.
Err…this is not the article I thought it would be.
It’s one thing to have been wanted by someone and then abandoned.
If you’ve had someone who cared for you at some point in your life, at least you’ve HAD someone who cared for you. Right?
I feel unloved and unwanted by the entire world.
I’m 41, and never had a relationship of any kind. Not even when I actually tried to find one. And now I wouldn’t even dream of trying, because I’m too ugly to do so.
But I guess this isn’t the right place for me. The rest of you have had someone…
I’m 64 and could have said the same thing. If you go through your entire adult life as no one’s spouse, no one’s parent, barely anyone’s employee, then what kind of identity do you have?
I feel your pain and can relate. People are always saying “find a support group” but there are some cities/towns where there just aren’t any! There are online groups which can be beneficial but it’s just not the same as seeing someone face-to-face. What about people who’ve never really been shown love – true love, that is…..How can you learn to like/love yourself if you’ve never been shown care and love by anyone?
Can I find the core of two men and a women not together and yet hinting behind another door only to see me over to a nut house for there future life together once’s I’m out of the picture and yet all family is involed in on it, and get away with filing my joint tax return in secretly using my social secrecy number and changing and amending this taxes: Help me get this horrible nightmare put behind me : In-Laws play a role of punishing me of injustice and Propery of a home is also being taken by taking my name off of Deed: All my loan credit to invest into this home and swiped me of paying child support; with a lien on this property and being used without me of any good credit that is left leaving me with a Bad credit to my name; How then when only my credit was approve for the loan of buying this home @ $149,0000 with a little down payment, He was my handsome gentle and thoughtful with so much love I was blind to only be left to the side of my walkway with brand new truck and a Nissan all in his name : Not helping restore my good credit he was not approved at the time of purchase for the loan, due to no credit history at all. Love has no mercy for me , I’m not a saint nor a goodie 2 shoe. He is a hard worker, went to college for 5 years with a union while I work for the Department a Of Taxation for 10 years.
Your statement sooud’ exactly what is thinking and what I’m going through. Especially how my friend only wanted to see me when she needed me for credit card and things not going well with her relationships. Also she fraudulently used my name in the thousands. Then 3hen she married a millionaire who she doesn’t even love she said she never wants to hear from me again. I did everything for her. Like a goffer.
I am suffering from dilemma in my life right now. I feel unwanted and unloved. i have a son. and i feel i am not a good mother for him. i am in the relationship but i made a fault that i am paying off (i don’t know how long) I think I am not good for them. Is this self pity? I commit suicide since i am young and yes, maybe i am too weak to handle depression like this or should i say anxieties? I loss appetite, i never sleep good and always have a lot of thoughts in my mind. Some part of me wants to vanish because i feel tired.(emotionally,physically and mentally) . When i read this article, I hope it will help me to evaluate more myself. Thank you.
That’s ok to feel that way. You just do what you can for your family- cook nutritious food, stay positive and get through the day. I think you will be fine :)
I’ve been battling with the feeling of loneliness, abandonment, unloved, unworthy, and the feeling of me wanting to fix myself so my family members can accept me like me and stop comparing me to other family members.
At my early birthday my dad and mom separated and at d age of 3yri remember vividly that my mom went to court and so did my dad.
The both oh f them wanted sole custody of me but dad won and I was forced to leave my mom and go with that, he took me to my grandparents who leaved in d village and I stayed with them till I waS 5yrs old, when he brought me back so I could start schooling.
However my dad married different wives and I was passed from wife to wife been maltreated until I became a teenager, even my dad never ceases an opportunity to transfer aggression on me, he heats me at d slightest provocation, calls me a harlot and a lot of many things.
Not long after my siblings took over, always comparing me with anybody in d house, they don’t see anything good in me and been sensitive to words and people’s attitude towards me I’m always in tears and pain.
My dad has been dead for 4yrs but nothing has changed btw my siblings and I even now that I’m married(6yrs) I still find myself crying and asking my dead father in my head, why he never loved me.
I’m always struggling to change myself so my siblings can accept me and love me even 4 once.
Tonight like always, I was in tears, fear and pain racked through me cos in kept muttering to myself that I don’t want to die lonely, unwanted, unloved and unaccepted.
Somehow I picked up my phone and started browsing my feelings until I ended up here., but I’m so glad I did, I know I’m not alone now., and your words are encouraging as well.
i feel so alone and unwanted. i find myself being treated as a friend of convience only needed when things go wrong in ones life or they need something, i have given my heart and all to be the best friend but i get so upset as i never received any appreciation for being their when they need me but when i need i received a deaf ear….i have come to not love myself or even like myself and i know with this thinking it cast an aura over my spirit that people stay away and i can’t maintain or even have a relationship with a man now i coming to accept i will be alone from this day on, no one will ever love me
Your statement sooud’souza exactly what is thinking and what I’m going through. Especially how my friend only wanted to see me when she needed me for credit card and things not going well with her relationships. Also she fraudulently used my name in the thousands. Then 3hen she married a millionaire who she doesn’t even love she said she never wants to hear from me again. I did everything for her. Like a goffer.
I told my friend that I liked them, known him for 4 years now and he said, “we can be even closer.” And then dropped off the face of the earth in the most depressing time of my life. My.other friend 4 years earlier used me and then left. I was in homeschool for many years and decided to go to public school and everyone belittled and bullied me, at this very moment i hate myself so much but I tell myself “you got this if you dont love yourself and no one loves you then you can love others.” Then i got a cat and she had changed my world, she took all the stress away and i am currently thinking about getting her certified as an therapy cat. She gets in my lap when i have anxiety attacks and shows me that she cares and loves me unconditionally and thinks in the world and doesn’t judge when i don’t have makeup on or fake hair or hair so short its not their, she loves me for me. You should try getting a animal and try to be the person they believe you are because you are that person and you deserve to be loved unconditionally. I wish you luck and i truly do hope you find love in any form be happy for yourself and love yourself because there is never multiple yous there is only one and that makes you better than a fake drone of an ass that leaves others for their amusement.