You feel a sense of anger and deep pain rippling through you. How could they leave you so brutally, and without a second thought?
How could they take your love and trust, and throw it to the wind as if it didn’t even matter – as if YOU didn’t matter?
If you’ve experienced abandonment in your life before you will know how far the wounds of being “second best” or “not worth it” run within you. You will be very aware of how feeling unwanted has changed the person you are and the way you interact with others.
One thing I’ve learned on my path is that abandonment takes many different shapes and forms. Feeling unwanted and unloved can manifest itself physically, emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually. But the one thing that all of these different facets of being neglected have in common is the big gaping hole they leave in our lives.
Today I want to explore that void within you.
“I Am Not Worth It” Might Be Your Core Wound
When we experience a severe form of abandonment or neglect, particularly at a young age, the shock from that experience tends to stay with us for the rest of our lives. But these shocking experiences continue to dwell within us only if we fail to explore them. These experiences when left unexamined for too long become our core wounds or the deepest fundamental beliefs that we have about ourselves on an unconscious level.
As Sol wrote in his article “How to Discover Your Deepest, Darkest Core Wound”:
Our core wounds are our deepest seated pains in life. They are our oldest and most miserable friends. For most of us, these core wounds within us are ruled by the following two mistaken beliefs:
“I am flawed and therefore a bad person.”
“I must change or fix something about myself in order to be acceptable.”
Other common core wounds that arise as a product of feeling unwanted include, “I am not worth it,” “I am unlovable,” and “I am irreparably broken.”
4 Ways to Deal With Feeling Unwanted and Unloved
We have found ourselves in a period of time which I like to call the Individualist Era. As our ability to communicate empathetically and meaningfully with others breaks down as a result of our “ME FIRST!” corporate and materialist culture, we find that our families, friendships and relationships are as unstable as ever. Therefore, more and more of us are experiencing the isolation of being abandoned, cheated and forgotten.
What can we do to explore and heal these core wounds? How can we tear down the brick walls that shelter the tattered remnants of our hearts? And finally, how can we become stronger, more whole people again?
Like you, I have experienced abandonment in many different shapes and forms. Like you, I have suffered terribly as a result of it. But today I want to provide you with something proactive, something that will empower you to take your life in your own hands again.
This is what I have personally learned about facing the pain of feeling unwanted:
1. Most people don’t want themselves
In other words, most people don’t LIKE, respect, or even value themselves. There is a huge self-love deficit in our society which is reflected in every layer of our lives. As a result, those of us who struggle with loving ourselves tend to sabotage our relationships with others. How can a person who doesn’t know how to love themselves show love towards others? It doesn’t happen. Understanding this can help you to better empathize with others, or at the very least, comprehend why they behave the way they do.
2. You are a victim of circumstance, but you don’t have to pity yourself
I discovered this the hard way: the more you victimize yourself and romanticize your pain, the more you will stay stuck in cycles of misery and resentment. It’s tempting to use our stories of abandonment and mistreatment to make us secretly feel righteous and special, but the truth is that this does more harm than good. Mourning what we lost is a natural part of the grief cycle, but constantly revisiting and dwelling on our stories is unhealthy and even self-destructive. I’ve found that accepting what happened is vital to the process of inner growth and transformation, WITHOUT self-pity.
3. Everyone has a different soulful capacity
Just as everything in life goes through varies stages of maturation, so too does the soul. Why is it that some people are born with old souls, and others remain young at heart until death? I believe the answer lies in something I call soulful maturity. I explore this concept more in depth in my book. Soulful maturity determines how much capacity we have for forethought, compassion, empathy and unconditional love – and these factors all have an impact on the way we treat others. For example, some people are naturally pack-orientated and blinded by fear of the “other,” while other groups of people are open, accepting and peace-making.
So what does any of this have to do with feeling unwanted and abandoned? Well the point is that some people just don’t have the capacity to be genuinely kind, considerate and faithful – at least for now. They haven’t reached that point in their soulful maturing yet. Thus their behavior can come across as insensitive, reckless and even cruel.
Shadow Work Journal:
Go on a journey through the deepest and darkest corners of your psyche. Embrace your inner demons, uncover your hidden gifts, and reach the next level of your spiritual growth. This is deep and powerful work!
Understanding that everyone has a different soulful capacity has helped me to personally become a more lenient and forgiving person.
4. It is possible to fill that empty hole YOURSELF
It sounds crazy, right? How can we fill the empty holes within ourselves? Don’t we need other people by default to do that for us? No, we don’t. As children we did, but as adults we don’t. Unfortunately many of us still carry the unconscious belief that we need to find another person to help us become whole and complete. But have you ever questioned the validity or truth in this belief? Don’t get me wrong, other people can provide you with immense support and assistance, but they can never authentically fill that void within you. Only you can.
But how? One of the best ways I have learned to do this (particularly if you were abandoned as a child emotionally, mentally or physically), is by learning how to re-parent your inner child. However, if you are dealing with the pain of feeling unloved as an adult (perhaps as a result of divorce or breakup), self-love is the ultimate way to overcome this trauma. In another article, explore how to love yourself more.
Final Thoughts …
Learning how to love yourself is hard – so is learning how to re-parent your inner child – however they are both vital tools that will help you to become vulnerable again, and therefore receptive to giving and receiving love.
What is your opinion on the advice given in this article? Have you managed to deal with your feelings of being unwanted, and if so, how?
This is my deepest and darkest core wound. It’s also a deep wound that has been in my family for many generations. I’ve done a lot of ancestral healing work with a shaman. I wanted to stop it for the next generation. I’ve also have had to cross over family who passed away but stayed because of the pain and trauma, with the help of the shaman.
I grew up in a home where I never felt safe. My mother, brother and sister were so angry. My brother and sister are twins and 8 years older than me. They were 12 years older than my little brother.
My older brother could do no wrong with my mother. My sister was the scapegoat. My brother was physically, verbally, and sexually abusive. My sister hated me because of jealousy. My little brother was treated like no one cared about him. I was 4 when my mother became pregnant with him. I can still remember my mother being angry about being pregnant with him. My father did try to protect us but he couldn’t handle my mother
His coping mechanism was drinking. He was a alcoholic. My little brother took his own life at 16. Unfortunately he internalized everything. We were both sensitive empaths. I also believe that my father was too.
13 years ago after I went through cancer treatment I had a spiritual awakening and went through the dark night of the soul. Before that I really thought that I had my shit together! It was very traumatizing to really see how many toxic people in my life. I was retraumatized by my brother and then my mother.
One of the hardest things for me was to realize that all of these horrible things that happened in my family were normal. From the outside we looked like a normal family. I walked away from my mother and brother. They are malignant sociopathic narccissts. I made peace with my sister before she unexpectedly died. This has been a long journey. I realized how unhealthy I really was. I sabotaged so many good relationships and opportunities because of it. I can’t change the past. I’m a much healthier person now. I finally love myself. I’m no longer the people pleaser codependent person I was. I’m still working on getting triggered by feeling unwanted. It’s been difficult because my family has disowned me because I’ve spoken the truth and I no longer enable my mother. It’s probably going to be something that I will have to work on the rest of my life. One day at a time. I will not call myself a victim. I am a survivor. I chose to heal myself and my family. We have 2 choices when we are abused and/or traumatized. We can choose to be angry and feel like a victim or we can heal and choose to be a survivor. I am a survivor. It’s the harder way but it is also the most rewarding and healthy way.
Two weeks ago my wife told me that she want a divorce (for my own good). I know that we keep fighting lately but I’m not thinking that she would said that. Three days ago I told her that shes being ignorant, she knows that I’m on the middle of strugling time for my master degree and yes we are married on a very young age. From three days ago we didn’t have any contact yet. I feel so hate myself right now besides I know that there are several doubts in my mind about her. Frankly I still waiting that she would send me a message to talk about our relationship kindly. I think its not my concern anymore since she left me alone for two months on 2014 from our house and we live separately after that. If the answer is still divorce, I hope our daughters will forgive us one day. Keep on the good work!
This article seems aimed at people who’ve been in relationships and felt love, but now find themselves alone again and bitter.
As a 42 year-old man who’s always been too full of self-hatred to even consider finding a girlfriend, I’m not sure how to feel about people who’ve actually been sexually and romantically validated.
I suppose breaking up almost always hurts. But at least you know that other people find you desirable, so it’s not so much about being unlovable as it is about getting over a lost love before you inevitably find another.
That’s not the same thing, and I wish I had the problems of those who’ve posted comments here.
If just one woman wanted me, that feeling alone would be enough for a lifetime, regardless of what the outcome would be. But for that to happen, I’d have to magically grow a new face and body, as well as completely change my personality from scratch. And I an’t do that.
I want to be loved for who I am, just as I love others for who they are. But I’m unlovable. The only woman who’s ever shown interest in me, was morbidly obese I wasn’t interested, and she soon rejected me anyway.
2 weeks later, she was impregnated by her new Tinder boyfriend…
I give up.
The simple fact is that some of us are just unloveable, and there’s nothing that can change that. I wasted lots of time tricking myself into thinking I could find someone that truly loved me, but I realize now that it’s not ever going to happen. You have to learn to put that part of your life behind you and move on.
I have to disagree with this, I’ve never met anyone who is unlovable, it sounds like a consolation belief to have to avoid further looking.
Trust me, when you are a 48 year old woman with 8 and 5 year old children, you are unloveable.
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These tips can really help to those who feel like they are not good enough. Its not easy but it is possible to fight and overcome this. Self love is important. Thanks for this post. Great Article!
I’m so happy with this article. I love the fact that I’m not depended to anyone to fill my hole. Because people just don’t give enough love these days , because they dont love themselves.