You feel a sense of anger and deep pain rippling through you. How could they leave you so brutally, and without a second thought?
How could they take your love and trust, and throw it to the wind as if it didn’t even matter – as if YOU didn’t matter?
If you’ve experienced abandonment in your life before you will know how far the wounds of being “second best” or “not worth it” run within you. You will be very aware of how feeling unwanted has changed the person you are and the way you interact with others.
One thing I’ve learned on my path is that abandonment takes many different shapes and forms. Feeling unwanted and unloved can manifest itself physically, emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually. But the one thing that all of these different facets of being neglected have in common is the big gaping hole they leave in our lives.
Today I want to explore that void within you.
“I Am Not Worth It” Might Be Your Core Wound
When we experience a severe form of abandonment or neglect, particularly at a young age, the shock from that experience tends to stay with us for the rest of our lives. But these shocking experiences continue to dwell within us only if we fail to explore them. These experiences when left unexamined for too long become our core wounds, or the deepest fundamental beliefs that we have about ourselves on an unconscious level.
As Sol wrote in his article “How to Discover Your Deepest, Darkest Core Wound”:
Our core wounds are our deepest seated pains in life. They are our oldest and most miserable friends. For most of us, these core wounds within us are ruled by the following two mistaken beliefs:
“I am flawed and therefore a bad person.”
“I must change or fix something about myself in order to be acceptable.”
Other common core wounds that arise as a product of feeling unwanted include, “I am not worth it,” “I am unlovable,” and “I am irreparably broken.”
4 Ways to Deal With Feeling Unwanted and Unloved
We have found ourselves in a period of time which I like to call the Individualist Era. As our ability to communicate empathetically and meaningfully with others breaks down as a result of our “ME FIRST!” corporate and materialist culture, we find that our families, friendships and relationships are as unstable as ever. Therefore, more and more of us are experiencing the isolation of being abandoned, cheated and forgotten.
What can we do to explore and heal these core wounds? How can we tear down the brick walls that shelter the tattered remnants of our hearts? And finally how can we become stronger, more whole people again?
Like you, I have experienced abandonment in many different shapes and forms. Like you, I have suffered terribly as a result of it. But today I want to provide you with something proactive, something that will empower you to take your life in your own hands again.
This is what I have personally learned about facing the pain of feeling unwanted:
1. Most people don’t want themselves.
In other words, most people don’t LIKE, respect, or even value themselves. There is a huge self-love deficit in our society which is reflected in every layer of our lives. As a result, those of us who struggle with loving ourselves tend to sabotage our relationships with others. How can a person who doesn’t know how to love themselves show love towards others? It doesn’t happen. Understanding this can help you to better empathize with others, or at the very least, comprehend why they behave the way they do.
2. You are a victim of circumstance, but you don’t have to pity yourself.
I discovered this the hard way: the more you victimize yourself and romanticize your pain, the more you will stay stuck in cycles of misery and resentment. It’s tempting to use our stories of abandonment and mistreatment to make us secretly feel righteous and special, but the truth is that this does more harm than good. Mourning what we lost is a natural part of the grief cycle, but constantly revisiting and dwelling on our stories is unhealthy and even self-destructive. I’ve found that accepting what happened is vital to the process of inner growth and transformation, WITHOUT self-pity.
3. Everyone has a different soulful capacity.
Just as everything in life goes through varies stages of maturation, so too does the soul. Why is it that some people are born with old souls, and others remain young at heart until death? I believe the answer lies in something I call soulful maturity. I explore this concept more in depth in my book. Soulful maturity determines how much capacity we have for forethought, compassion, empathy and unconditional love – and these factors all have an impact on the way we treat others. For example, some people are naturally pack-orientated and blinded by fear of the “other,” while other groups of people are open, accepting and peace-making.
So what does any of this have to do with feeling unwanted and abandoned? Well the point is that some people just don’t have the capacity to be genuinely kind, considerate and faithful – at least for now. They haven’t reached that point in their soulful maturing yet. Thus their behavior can come across as insensitive, reckless and even cruel.
Understanding that everyone has a different soulful capacity has helped me to personally become a more lenient and forgiving person.
4. It is possible to fill that empty hole YOURSELF.
It sounds crazy right? How can we fill the empty holes within ourselves? Don’t we need other people by default to do that for us? No, we don’t. As children we did, but as adults we don’t. Unfortunately many of us still carry the unconscious belief that we need to find another person to help us become whole and complete. But have you ever questioned the validity or truth in this belief? Don’t get me wrong, other people can provide you with immense support and assistance, but they can never authentically fill that void within you. Only you can.
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But how? One of the best ways I have learned to do this (particularly if you were abandoned as a child emotionally, mentally or physically), is by learning how to re-parent your inner child. I explore how to do that in this article. However, if you are dealing with the pain of feeling unloved as an adult (perhaps as a result of divorce or breakup), self-love is the ultimate way to overcome this trauma. I explore how to love yourself in this article.
Final Thoughts …
Learning how to love yourself is hard – so is learning how to re-parent your inner child – however they are both vital tools that will help you to become vulnerable again, and therefore receptive to giving and receiving love.
What is your opinion on the advice given in this article? Have you managed to deal with your feelings of being unwanted, and if so, how?
i feel so alone and unwanted. i find myself being treated as a friend of convience only needed when things go wrong in ones life or they need something, i have given my heart and all to be the best friend but i get so upset as i never received any appreciation for being their when they need me but when i need i received a deaf ear….i have come to not love myself or even like myself and i know with this thinking it cast an aura over my spirit that people stay away and i can’t maintain or even have a relationship with a man now i coming to accept i will be alone from this day on, no one will ever love me
I am totally alone. My mother died when I was young, my father was anything but, no brothers and sisters. Find myself trying to hold onto long term relationships with women, who inevitably abandon me, despite being kind and someone who cares and goes out of their way to put them first. Starting to realise maybe I dont need anyone to be happy. Just wonder if Ill ever find someone who loves equally in giving as receiving.
I have been abandoned and rejected since I was a little kid, and I continue to struggle making true friends who I can keep, I always get abandoned over and over and it has ruined me beyond repair, I keep having unwanted suicidal thoughts but I feel like I have no hope in this world because I have no friends and no family, I have no one and no one has ever wanted me. Everyone else takes it for granted that they have people who care about them in their life.
When you went through a lot in life and you build a wall and try to avoid emotions and reality of real live. Dealing with it now is so painful and I came across your article in searching how to deal with my pain. I have downloaded your e-book and hope this will lead me to heal. At the moment I feel lost and unloved. Sometimes I just hate myself and feel worthless. People judge me because I have so much anger in me and when they judge me my soul cry because I cant tell them what is killing me inside.
I was legally adopted within the family. My biological parents were the Black Sheep and my adopted parents the Holy Ones who didn’t want children and failed to show love, kindness, affection or care. It’s left one hell of a legacy!
I love who I am but am abandoned anyways. I think I’m just unlucky with people. My father feels like he failed us but never did anything to make the situation better. My mother is incapable of being emotionally supoortive. I used to be close to my brother but he would get into trouble and blame me so I couldn’t hang around him anymore. My first love abandoned me in my time of need despite all the loving and caring things I did for him and most recently, I had a deep connection with a guy who turned out to be immature and cowardly and he cut me out of his life like I was nothing. With all the experiences I’ve had, it seems I’m just unlucky when it comes to people.
thank you.
I am responsible for my happiness.
“As a result, those of us who struggle with loving ourselves tend to sabotage our relationships with others. How can a person who doesn’t know how to love themselves show love towards others? It doesn’t happen.”
Funny, I don’t quite tend to agree with all of this. I have had self-esteem issues but I never put it on my partner. I voice that I may be struggling but in now way does that give me the right to be unloving to them. I’m a natural giver. I am also aware of my emotions and what I am feeling so I make sure my partner or those I love never think it is them. I guess due to the fact of being abandoned as a child and dealing with abuse, I know what it feels like to not be loved or blamed for someone’s internal issues. Thoughts?
LusciousAngel79 I completely agree with you there. You manage to love others because you realized is NOT their fault that you had been abandoned in your past by other people you loved, but for those whom still BLAMING OTHERS all the time over their suffering from the past or still playing Self pity party if they cant find a way to love themselves for who they are, they only going to keep believing nobody loves them, so they wont be able to love others as result, it is a vicious circle.
Self esteem issues isn’t the same as not loving yourself, even though not loving yourself includes self esteem issues. People who don’t love themselves who also have self esteem issues sabotage their relationships with others because they feel unworthy. People who love themselves are able to acknowledge they have self esteem issues and love themselves anyways, knowing that even though they are not what they would consider perfect, they still are lovable.
My emotional reaction when reading this article made me realise that this applies to me. I initially wasn’t sure if my experiences counted as being abandoned, as nobody intentionally abandoned me, and my parents were loving / supportive. I had a very happy childhood, but my teenage years were very unstable. I was often severely depressed, had mood swings (bipolar disorder), was extremely withdrawn and barely said a word at school. My parents divorced when I was 10, and my Dad passed away when I was 16. I got involved in various reckless, impulsive and self-destructive things that I would in no way normally do. I’ve been searching for an explanation for my behaviour for a long time, and can now see that it stems from this core wound.
This article has helped me realise the true extent of my inner reaction to those 2 events. I’ve had an underlying feeling of being unworthy/unwanted for a long time. A lot of this time I wasn’t even aware of it and often brushed it aside. I’m sick of taking medication every day and not getting to the true, underlying cause of my problems. I see this happen to so many other people, just being given medication, a superficial ‘fix’ to complex, deeply-rooted problems.
Kathryn, I believe you’re on to something great. I smell a change on the horizon! Making this self-discovery is fantastic and I’m honored to be able to help you make it. X
I blame religion and education Is there a voice of sanity in the wilderness that one can hear amongst the noise and haste?
the whole program is wrong and therefore I must destroy the whole matrix that was miscreated ever since the guardians fell asleep and thereby letting these pernicious beings into our kingdom.
Education (programs) and bad religion feeds the systemites interests.
They know you will fall asleep if they keep holding the promise of afterlife and material goodies up to your face.
You try to be true to the end to retain your integrity and honor knowing all the while that now you must keep it secret from the supertitious and fearful as they would certainly see you as a demon,a sorceror, a radical,a wizard.
Isaiah chapter 33 verse 19 “Thou shalt not see a fierce people, a people of a deeper speech than thou canst perceive; of a ridiculous (weird sounding) way of talking [The Truth], [that thou (the majority who believe they are human) can] not understand.”
If you find and then tell people the TRUTH and that they themselves are not really human but are spirit-Beings, who are locked inside of human-animal bodies that they have to take control of and whose selfish animal-instincts they have to overcome, in order to teach themselves (the Being) not to be selfish either, most people will say that you are WEIRD and that you are talking ridiculously (even though it is TRUE), in fulfillment of the above Prophecy.
The simple motivation to know the truth in your mind is not so important as being mind fettered by tv, cell phones,
idle chatter, urge for pleasure and avoidance of pain.Distractions are embraced and few are those that have real will.
The child does not realize that it was the very people all around them that are abandoned.The sleepers traded their possibility for evolution for a dust bin.The story of Jesus is the story of the human drama,repeating over and over,crimsom and clover.
I can identify with what you have written Gregg. Those who have really tasted “waking up” to life, to the truth of Being, are either worshiped as gods or despised as mad men. There is no grey area here. If I was to tell most people I meet that they are sleepwalking through life, prefer domestication to freedom, and idle stimulation to self-discipline, they would probably hate me. But in my eyes feeling unwanted, abandoned and unloved comes not solely as a result of religion and education, but our level of conscious evolution (which gives rise to the types of religious education promoted these days).