You feel a sense of anger and deep pain rippling through you. How could they leave you so brutally, and without a second thought?
How could they take your love and trust, and throw it to the wind as if it didn’t even matter – as if YOU didn’t matter?
If you’ve experienced abandonment in your life before you will know how far the wounds of being “second best” or “not worth it” run within you. You will be very aware of how feeling unwanted has changed the person you are and the way you interact with others.
One thing I’ve learned on my path is that abandonment takes many different shapes and forms. Feeling unwanted and unloved can manifest itself physically, emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually. But the one thing that all of these different facets of being neglected have in common is the big gaping hole they leave in our lives.
Today I want to explore that void within you.
“I Am Not Worth It” Might Be Your Core Wound
When we experience a severe form of abandonment or neglect, particularly at a young age, the shock from that experience tends to stay with us for the rest of our lives. But these shocking experiences continue to dwell within us only if we fail to explore them. These experiences when left unexamined for too long become our core wounds or the deepest fundamental beliefs that we have about ourselves on an unconscious level.
As Sol wrote in his article “How to Discover Your Deepest, Darkest Core Wound”:
Our core wounds are our deepest seated pains in life. They are our oldest and most miserable friends. For most of us, these core wounds within us are ruled by the following two mistaken beliefs:
“I am flawed and therefore a bad person.”
“I must change or fix something about myself in order to be acceptable.”
Other common core wounds that arise as a product of feeling unwanted include, “I am not worth it,” “I am unlovable,” and “I am irreparably broken.”
4 Ways to Deal With Feeling Unwanted and Unloved
We have found ourselves in a period of time which I like to call the Individualist Era. As our ability to communicate empathetically and meaningfully with others breaks down as a result of our “ME FIRST!” corporate and materialist culture, we find that our families, friendships and relationships are as unstable as ever. Therefore, more and more of us are experiencing the isolation of being abandoned, cheated and forgotten.
What can we do to explore and heal these core wounds? How can we tear down the brick walls that shelter the tattered remnants of our hearts? And finally, how can we become stronger, more whole people again?
Like you, I have experienced abandonment in many different shapes and forms. Like you, I have suffered terribly as a result of it. But today I want to provide you with something proactive, something that will empower you to take your life in your own hands again.
This is what I have personally learned about facing the pain of feeling unwanted:
1. Most people don’t want themselves
In other words, most people don’t LIKE, respect, or even value themselves. There is a huge self-love deficit in our society which is reflected in every layer of our lives. As a result, those of us who struggle with loving ourselves tend to sabotage our relationships with others. How can a person who doesn’t know how to love themselves show love towards others? It doesn’t happen. Understanding this can help you to better empathize with others, or at the very least, comprehend why they behave the way they do.
2. You are a victim of circumstance, but you don’t have to pity yourself
I discovered this the hard way: the more you victimize yourself and romanticize your pain, the more you will stay stuck in cycles of misery and resentment. It’s tempting to use our stories of abandonment and mistreatment to make us secretly feel righteous and special, but the truth is that this does more harm than good. Mourning what we lost is a natural part of the grief cycle, but constantly revisiting and dwelling on our stories is unhealthy and even self-destructive. I’ve found that accepting what happened is vital to the process of inner growth and transformation, WITHOUT self-pity.
3. Everyone has a different soulful capacity
Just as everything in life goes through varies stages of maturation, so too does the soul. Why is it that some people are born with old souls, and others remain young at heart until death? I believe the answer lies in something I call soulful maturity. I explore this concept more in depth in my book. Soulful maturity determines how much capacity we have for forethought, compassion, empathy and unconditional love – and these factors all have an impact on the way we treat others. For example, some people are naturally pack-orientated and blinded by fear of the “other,” while other groups of people are open, accepting and peace-making.
So what does any of this have to do with feeling unwanted and abandoned? Well the point is that some people just don’t have the capacity to be genuinely kind, considerate and faithful – at least for now. They haven’t reached that point in their soulful maturing yet. Thus their behavior can come across as insensitive, reckless and even cruel.
Understanding that everyone has a different soulful capacity has helped me to personally become a more lenient and forgiving person.
4. It is possible to fill that empty hole YOURSELF
It sounds crazy, right? How can we fill the empty holes within ourselves? Don’t we need other people by default to do that for us? No, we don’t. As children we did, but as adults we don’t. Unfortunately many of us still carry the unconscious belief that we need to find another person to help us become whole and complete. But have you ever questioned the validity or truth in this belief? Don’t get me wrong, other people can provide you with immense support and assistance, but they can never authentically fill that void within you. Only you can.
But how? One of the best ways I have learned to do this (particularly if you were abandoned as a child emotionally, mentally or physically), is by learning how to re-parent your inner child. I explore how to do that in this article. However, if you are dealing with the pain of feeling unloved as an adult (perhaps as a result of divorce or breakup), self-love is the ultimate way to overcome this trauma. I explore how to love yourself in this article.
Final Thoughts …
Learning how to love yourself is hard – so is learning how to re-parent your inner child – however they are both vital tools that will help you to become vulnerable again, and therefore receptive to giving and receiving love.
What is your opinion on the advice given in this article? Have you managed to deal with your feelings of being unwanted, and if so, how?
I agree with much of the article…particularly that of our society being in the “individualist era”. But I do disagree with a couple of points – namely, that I believe that self-love is extremely difficult, if not impossible. I believe that we can respect ourselves, honor ourselves and take care of ourselves….but loving ourselves is a bit like giving ourselves a massage. It just doesn’t quite “do it”. I think love comes from the outside and this is how we learn what it is. We have to have at least one role model from which to learn what it’s like to feel loved and how to love. I also don’t think you need to “love” yourself to love others. I’m living proof of that……I also disagree with the point that we don’t need anyone else to feel “whole”. Most of us thrive with connection with others, and wilt without it. What is a “whole” person, anyway? I don’t believe there’s any such thing; however, I do know what you’re getting at there. But what I’m saying is that those people who would fit your definition of “whole” tend to have been well-loved by at least one person, and perhaps is the type of person who really enjoys being alone primarily. Nothing wrong with that…there are many people who do not want to be married or even in a relationship. But unless one is that type of solitary personality, most of us don’t do well on our own. And I don’t believe we’re meant to. Some of these points actually seem to point towards the individualistic mentality the article is discussing! I believe we actually DO need, and crucially so, connection with others – in order to grow as people and thrive. Even animals must have connection with each other. I hear what you’re saying about the “void” and of course a person can’t expect other people to be their “everything”, but connection with others does fill the void. Yes, passion for work, or a hobby, etc…can partly fill the void, but we are social creatures. In this increasingly disconnected society, we absolutely need other people to fill us, and we in turn fill others with joy, life, laughter, care, empathy, compassion, etc….all the beautiful things that make life WORTH living.
I am a caregiver and my employers and their kids love me same is through that I love them so much.
I am so disappointed lately! I was not aware that the faucet in the kitchen of my employer that I ran to wash the kales overflowed because the leaves of the kale clogged on the sink hole! I went upstairs to fold the clothes thinking that the water would just run smoothly down the drainage. When I am about to check it, It literally flooded and I was so late saving the kitchen wood tiles area. The house is a brand new one, we just moved recently. Now they need a renovation but it is still covered by the insurance, though. My employers forgave me what had happened because it was accidental but I can’t justgo through with my life normally! I feel ashamed, this self-blame feeling, guilty and it haunts me everyday knowing that I blew their kitchen up!
They still trust me and I would still love to work with them but I can’t avoid the feeling of frustration. I just want to know if this feeling will pass!
Thank you and God bless!
Hello,
I have a feeling that I may have abandonment issues. Ever since childhood I have always been very lonely. People just don’t like me. I’ve never been good with women and I feel like ending it. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to because everyone says they are ‘busy’ which is bulls££t as it only takes 4 seconds to send a message. But no one ever does. It’s always been me to instigate meeting up. I am happily married but there is little time for romance. I’m desperately lonely and cry a lot without my wife knowing about it. I’m an artist who’s not doing very well at the moment but I am studying an MA in fine art. I’m doing what I want as I teach adults art part time. These changes have happened to m recently over the last two years after being in a job that had no future for me. Since I’ve made these changes, I’ve lost a lot of friends and have become lonely and tearful a lot. Can you help me break out of this lonely feeling cos none of my friends are around anymore. I’m desperate for human contact and I feel no one cares about me. I’m so so sad and am afraid I might do something stupid..:.. please help me.
Every time I go online to see instagram and Facebook I see my old friends having a good time and selling paintings and being with sexy women and I’m at home getting more and more depressed…….
Hi Lindsay, thank you for sharing I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering so much.
First thing: do a social media detox. Stop logging in, take a break for a week (preferably more) and see how you feel. Toxic comparison is a little devil that must be nipped in the bud. Remember that people only present an image of their lives that they want others to see — they don’t post all the ugliness, loneliness, and embarrassing flaws they have. Next, research local groups that share your same interests (try a meditation or mindfulness group) – you can also look up support groups. Next, consciously make more time to spend with your wife. Cut out non-essential things and carve out time to connect. This could be as simple as taking a walk with the dog together or eating a meal together. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and share how you feel. If your wife cannot honor or hold space for your vulnerability there is a serious problem. I hope this helps. Much love
I’ve never been loved either by parents or any romantic paetner. In my mid 30’s and all my life have been alone. I have heartbreakingly come to the conclusion that I will never marry or have children. I will spend the rest of my life alone.
Same here. Mid thirties. No kids, no partner. Always alone, even if I’m surrounded by people at work or events.
Err…this is not the article I thought it would be.
It’s one thing to have been wanted by someone and then abandoned.
If you’ve had someone who cared for you at some point in your life, at least you’ve HAD someone who cared for you. Right?
I feel unloved and unwanted by the entire world.
I’m 41, and never had a relationship of any kind. Not even when I actually tried to find one. And now I wouldn’t even dream of trying, because I’m too ugly to do so.
But I guess this isn’t the right place for me. The rest of you have had someone…
I’m 64 and could have said the same thing. If you go through your entire adult life as no one’s spouse, no one’s parent, barely anyone’s employee, then what kind of identity do you have?
I feel your pain and can relate. People are always saying “find a support group” but there are some cities/towns where there just aren’t any! There are online groups which can be beneficial but it’s just not the same as seeing someone face-to-face. What about people who’ve never really been shown love – true love, that is…..How can you learn to like/love yourself if you’ve never been shown care and love by anyone?
Can I find the core of two men and a women not together and yet hinting behind another door only to see me over to a nut house for there future life together once’s I’m out of the picture and yet all family is involed in on it, and get away with filing my joint tax return in secretly using my social secrecy number and changing and amending this taxes: Help me get this horrible nightmare put behind me : In-Laws play a role of punishing me of injustice and Propery of a home is also being taken by taking my name off of Deed: All my loan credit to invest into this home and swiped me of paying child support; with a lien on this property and being used without me of any good credit that is left leaving me with a Bad credit to my name; How then when only my credit was approve for the loan of buying this home @ $149,0000 with a little down payment, He was my handsome gentle and thoughtful with so much love I was blind to only be left to the side of my walkway with brand new truck and a Nissan all in his name : Not helping restore my good credit he was not approved at the time of purchase for the loan, due to no credit history at all. Love has no mercy for me , I’m not a saint nor a goodie 2 shoe. He is a hard worker, went to college for 5 years with a union while I work for the Department a Of Taxation for 10 years.
Your statement sooud’ exactly what is thinking and what I’m going through. Especially how my friend only wanted to see me when she needed me for credit card and things not going well with her relationships. Also she fraudulently used my name in the thousands. Then 3hen she married a millionaire who she doesn’t even love she said she never wants to hear from me again. I did everything for her. Like a goffer.
I am suffering from dilemma in my life right now. I feel unwanted and unloved. i have a son. and i feel i am not a good mother for him. i am in the relationship but i made a fault that i am paying off (i don’t know how long) I think I am not good for them. Is this self pity? I commit suicide since i am young and yes, maybe i am too weak to handle depression like this or should i say anxieties? I loss appetite, i never sleep good and always have a lot of thoughts in my mind. Some part of me wants to vanish because i feel tired.(emotionally,physically and mentally) . When i read this article, I hope it will help me to evaluate more myself. Thank you.
That’s ok to feel that way. You just do what you can for your family- cook nutritious food, stay positive and get through the day. I think you will be fine :)
I’ve been battling with the feeling of loneliness, abandonment, unloved, unworthy, and the feeling of me wanting to fix myself so my family members can accept me like me and stop comparing me to other family members.
At my early birthday my dad and mom separated and at d age of 3yri remember vividly that my mom went to court and so did my dad.
The both oh f them wanted sole custody of me but dad won and I was forced to leave my mom and go with that, he took me to my grandparents who leaved in d village and I stayed with them till I waS 5yrs old, when he brought me back so I could start schooling.
However my dad married different wives and I was passed from wife to wife been maltreated until I became a teenager, even my dad never ceases an opportunity to transfer aggression on me, he heats me at d slightest provocation, calls me a harlot and a lot of many things.
Not long after my siblings took over, always comparing me with anybody in d house, they don’t see anything good in me and been sensitive to words and people’s attitude towards me I’m always in tears and pain.
My dad has been dead for 4yrs but nothing has changed btw my siblings and I even now that I’m married(6yrs) I still find myself crying and asking my dead father in my head, why he never loved me.
I’m always struggling to change myself so my siblings can accept me and love me even 4 once.
Tonight like always, I was in tears, fear and pain racked through me cos in kept muttering to myself that I don’t want to die lonely, unwanted, unloved and unaccepted.
Somehow I picked up my phone and started browsing my feelings until I ended up here., but I’m so glad I did, I know I’m not alone now., and your words are encouraging as well.
i feel so alone and unwanted. i find myself being treated as a friend of convience only needed when things go wrong in ones life or they need something, i have given my heart and all to be the best friend but i get so upset as i never received any appreciation for being their when they need me but when i need i received a deaf ear….i have come to not love myself or even like myself and i know with this thinking it cast an aura over my spirit that people stay away and i can’t maintain or even have a relationship with a man now i coming to accept i will be alone from this day on, no one will ever love me
Your statement sooud’souza exactly what is thinking and what I’m going through. Especially how my friend only wanted to see me when she needed me for credit card and things not going well with her relationships. Also she fraudulently used my name in the thousands. Then 3hen she married a millionaire who she doesn’t even love she said she never wants to hear from me again. I did everything for her. Like a goffer.
I told my friend that I liked them, known him for 4 years now and he said, “we can be even closer.” And then dropped off the face of the earth in the most depressing time of my life. My.other friend 4 years earlier used me and then left. I was in homeschool for many years and decided to go to public school and everyone belittled and bullied me, at this very moment i hate myself so much but I tell myself “you got this if you dont love yourself and no one loves you then you can love others.” Then i got a cat and she had changed my world, she took all the stress away and i am currently thinking about getting her certified as an therapy cat. She gets in my lap when i have anxiety attacks and shows me that she cares and loves me unconditionally and thinks in the world and doesn’t judge when i don’t have makeup on or fake hair or hair so short its not their, she loves me for me. You should try getting a animal and try to be the person they believe you are because you are that person and you deserve to be loved unconditionally. I wish you luck and i truly do hope you find love in any form be happy for yourself and love yourself because there is never multiple yous there is only one and that makes you better than a fake drone of an ass that leaves others for their amusement.
I am totally alone. My mother died when I was young, my father was anything but, no brothers and sisters. Find myself trying to hold onto long term relationships with women, who inevitably abandon me, despite being kind and someone who cares and goes out of their way to put them first. Starting to realise maybe I dont need anyone to be happy. Just wonder if Ill ever find someone who loves equally in giving as receiving.
Bradley, I was abandoned by my husband and I am alone. I agree with you and I understand you. There is maybe a handful of people who will give back the love and time you give them. I gave up on trying to find that type of person who would make me important in their life. It doesn’t exist, not for me. So I will make myself happy as best I can. I have Jesus Christ if He is the only man to walk this earth and die for me then so be it. At least there was one person who did all that for me. Don’t forget to love you ok. You are important and very special. All those people who take take take are not happy. Its never enough for those people. For you my friend, life has given you HEART!
I have been abandoned and rejected since I was a little kid, and I continue to struggle making true friends who I can keep, I always get abandoned over and over and it has ruined me beyond repair, I keep having unwanted suicidal thoughts but I feel like I have no hope in this world because I have no friends and no family, I have no one and no one has ever wanted me. Everyone else takes it for granted that they have people who care about them in their life.
When you went through a lot in life and you build a wall and try to avoid emotions and reality of real live. Dealing with it now is so painful and I came across your article in searching how to deal with my pain. I have downloaded your e-book and hope this will lead me to heal. At the moment I feel lost and unloved. Sometimes I just hate myself and feel worthless. People judge me because I have so much anger in me and when they judge me my soul cry because I cant tell them what is killing me inside.
I was legally adopted within the family. My biological parents were the Black Sheep and my adopted parents the Holy Ones who didn’t want children and failed to show love, kindness, affection or care. It’s left one hell of a legacy!
I love who I am but am abandoned anyways. I think I’m just unlucky with people. My father feels like he failed us but never did anything to make the situation better. My mother is incapable of being emotionally supoortive. I used to be close to my brother but he would get into trouble and blame me so I couldn’t hang around him anymore. My first love abandoned me in my time of need despite all the loving and caring things I did for him and most recently, I had a deep connection with a guy who turned out to be immature and cowardly and he cut me out of his life like I was nothing. With all the experiences I’ve had, it seems I’m just unlucky when it comes to people.
thank you.
I am responsible for my happiness.
“As a result, those of us who struggle with loving ourselves tend to sabotage our relationships with others. How can a person who doesn’t know how to love themselves show love towards others? It doesn’t happen.”
Funny, I don’t quite tend to agree with all of this. I have had self-esteem issues but I never put it on my partner. I voice that I may be struggling but in now way does that give me the right to be unloving to them. I’m a natural giver. I am also aware of my emotions and what I am feeling so I make sure my partner or those I love never think it is them. I guess due to the fact of being abandoned as a child and dealing with abuse, I know what it feels like to not be loved or blamed for someone’s internal issues. Thoughts?
LusciousAngel79 I completely agree with you there. You manage to love others because you realized is NOT their fault that you had been abandoned in your past by other people you loved, but for those whom still BLAMING OTHERS all the time over their suffering from the past or still playing Self pity party if they cant find a way to love themselves for who they are, they only going to keep believing nobody loves them, so they wont be able to love others as result, it is a vicious circle.
Self esteem issues isn’t the same as not loving yourself, even though not loving yourself includes self esteem issues. People who don’t love themselves who also have self esteem issues sabotage their relationships with others because they feel unworthy. People who love themselves are able to acknowledge they have self esteem issues and love themselves anyways, knowing that even though they are not what they would consider perfect, they still are lovable.
My emotional reaction when reading this article made me realise that this applies to me. I initially wasn’t sure if my experiences counted as being abandoned, as nobody intentionally abandoned me, and my parents were loving / supportive. I had a very happy childhood, but my teenage years were very unstable. I was often severely depressed, had mood swings (bipolar disorder), was extremely withdrawn and barely said a word at school. My parents divorced when I was 10, and my Dad passed away when I was 16. I got involved in various reckless, impulsive and self-destructive things that I would in no way normally do. I’ve been searching for an explanation for my behaviour for a long time, and can now see that it stems from this core wound.
This article has helped me realise the true extent of my inner reaction to those 2 events. I’ve had an underlying feeling of being unworthy/unwanted for a long time. A lot of this time I wasn’t even aware of it and often brushed it aside. I’m sick of taking medication every day and not getting to the true, underlying cause of my problems. I see this happen to so many other people, just being given medication, a superficial ‘fix’ to complex, deeply-rooted problems.
Kathryn, I believe you’re on to something great. I smell a change on the horizon! Making this self-discovery is fantastic and I’m honored to be able to help you make it. X
I blame religion and education Is there a voice of sanity in the wilderness that one can hear amongst the noise and haste?
the whole program is wrong and therefore I must destroy the whole matrix that was miscreated ever since the guardians fell asleep and thereby letting these pernicious beings into our kingdom.
Education (programs) and bad religion feeds the systemites interests.
They know you will fall asleep if they keep holding the promise of afterlife and material goodies up to your face.
You try to be true to the end to retain your integrity and honor knowing all the while that now you must keep it secret from the supertitious and fearful as they would certainly see you as a demon,a sorceror, a radical,a wizard.
Isaiah chapter 33 verse 19 “Thou shalt not see a fierce people, a people of a deeper speech than thou canst perceive; of a ridiculous (weird sounding) way of talking [The Truth], [that thou (the majority who believe they are human) can] not understand.”
If you find and then tell people the TRUTH and that they themselves are not really human but are spirit-Beings, who are locked inside of human-animal bodies that they have to take control of and whose selfish animal-instincts they have to overcome, in order to teach themselves (the Being) not to be selfish either, most people will say that you are WEIRD and that you are talking ridiculously (even though it is TRUE), in fulfillment of the above Prophecy.
The simple motivation to know the truth in your mind is not so important as being mind fettered by tv, cell phones,
idle chatter, urge for pleasure and avoidance of pain.Distractions are embraced and few are those that have real will.
The child does not realize that it was the very people all around them that are abandoned.The sleepers traded their possibility for evolution for a dust bin.The story of Jesus is the story of the human drama,repeating over and over,crimsom and clover.
I can identify with what you have written Gregg. Those who have really tasted “waking up” to life, to the truth of Being, are either worshiped as gods or despised as mad men. There is no grey area here. If I was to tell most people I meet that they are sleepwalking through life, prefer domestication to freedom, and idle stimulation to self-discipline, they would probably hate me. But in my eyes feeling unwanted, abandoned and unloved comes not solely as a result of religion and education, but our level of conscious evolution (which gives rise to the types of religious education promoted these days).