You feel a sense of anger and deep pain rippling through you. How could they leave you so brutally, and without a second thought?
How could they take your love and trust, and throw it to the wind as if it didn’t even matter – as if YOU didn’t matter?
If you’ve experienced abandonment in your life before you will know how far the wounds of being “second best” or “not worth it” run within you. You will be very aware of how feeling unwanted has changed the person you are and the way you interact with others.
One thing I’ve learned on my path is that abandonment takes many different shapes and forms. Feeling unwanted and unloved can manifest itself physically, emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually. But the one thing that all of these different facets of being neglected have in common is the big gaping hole they leave in our lives.
Today I want to explore that void within you.
“I Am Not Worth It” Might Be Your Core Wound
When we experience a severe form of abandonment or neglect, particularly at a young age, the shock from that experience tends to stay with us for the rest of our lives. But these shocking experiences continue to dwell within us only if we fail to explore them. These experiences when left unexamined for too long become our core wounds or the deepest fundamental beliefs that we have about ourselves on an unconscious level.
As Sol wrote in his article “How to Discover Your Deepest, Darkest Core Wound”:
Our core wounds are our deepest seated pains in life. They are our oldest and most miserable friends. For most of us, these core wounds within us are ruled by the following two mistaken beliefs:
“I am flawed and therefore a bad person.”
“I must change or fix something about myself in order to be acceptable.”
Other common core wounds that arise as a product of feeling unwanted include, “I am not worth it,” “I am unlovable,” and “I am irreparably broken.”
4 Ways to Deal With Feeling Unwanted and Unloved
We have found ourselves in a period of time which I like to call the Individualist Era. As our ability to communicate empathetically and meaningfully with others breaks down as a result of our “ME FIRST!” corporate and materialist culture, we find that our families, friendships and relationships are as unstable as ever. Therefore, more and more of us are experiencing the isolation of being abandoned, cheated and forgotten.
What can we do to explore and heal these core wounds? How can we tear down the brick walls that shelter the tattered remnants of our hearts? And finally, how can we become stronger, more whole people again?
Like you, I have experienced abandonment in many different shapes and forms. Like you, I have suffered terribly as a result of it. But today I want to provide you with something proactive, something that will empower you to take your life in your own hands again.
This is what I have personally learned about facing the pain of feeling unwanted:
1. Most people don’t want themselves
In other words, most people don’t LIKE, respect, or even value themselves. There is a huge self-love deficit in our society which is reflected in every layer of our lives. As a result, those of us who struggle with loving ourselves tend to sabotage our relationships with others. How can a person who doesn’t know how to love themselves show love towards others? It doesn’t happen. Understanding this can help you to better empathize with others, or at the very least, comprehend why they behave the way they do.
2. You are a victim of circumstance, but you don’t have to pity yourself
I discovered this the hard way: the more you victimize yourself and romanticize your pain, the more you will stay stuck in cycles of misery and resentment. It’s tempting to use our stories of abandonment and mistreatment to make us secretly feel righteous and special, but the truth is that this does more harm than good. Mourning what we lost is a natural part of the grief cycle, but constantly revisiting and dwelling on our stories is unhealthy and even self-destructive. I’ve found that accepting what happened is vital to the process of inner growth and transformation, WITHOUT self-pity.
3. Everyone has a different soulful capacity
Just as everything in life goes through varies stages of maturation, so too does the soul. Why is it that some people are born with old souls, and others remain young at heart until death? I believe the answer lies in something I call soulful maturity. I explore this concept more in depth in my book. Soulful maturity determines how much capacity we have for forethought, compassion, empathy and unconditional love – and these factors all have an impact on the way we treat others. For example, some people are naturally pack-orientated and blinded by fear of the “other,” while other groups of people are open, accepting and peace-making.
So what does any of this have to do with feeling unwanted and abandoned? Well the point is that some people just don’t have the capacity to be genuinely kind, considerate and faithful – at least for now. They haven’t reached that point in their soulful maturing yet. Thus their behavior can come across as insensitive, reckless and even cruel.
Shadow Work Journal:
Go on a journey through the deepest and darkest corners of your psyche. Embrace your inner demons, uncover your hidden gifts, and reach the next level of your spiritual growth. This is deep and powerful work!
Understanding that everyone has a different soulful capacity has helped me to personally become a more lenient and forgiving person.
4. It is possible to fill that empty hole YOURSELF
It sounds crazy, right? How can we fill the empty holes within ourselves? Don’t we need other people by default to do that for us? No, we don’t. As children we did, but as adults we don’t. Unfortunately many of us still carry the unconscious belief that we need to find another person to help us become whole and complete. But have you ever questioned the validity or truth in this belief? Don’t get me wrong, other people can provide you with immense support and assistance, but they can never authentically fill that void within you. Only you can.
But how? One of the best ways I have learned to do this (particularly if you were abandoned as a child emotionally, mentally or physically), is by learning how to re-parent your inner child. However, if you are dealing with the pain of feeling unloved as an adult (perhaps as a result of divorce or breakup), self-love is the ultimate way to overcome this trauma. In another article, explore how to love yourself more.
Final Thoughts …
Learning how to love yourself is hard – so is learning how to re-parent your inner child – however they are both vital tools that will help you to become vulnerable again, and therefore receptive to giving and receiving love.
What is your opinion on the advice given in this article? Have you managed to deal with your feelings of being unwanted, and if so, how?
I was thinking of starting a blog so I did some research into it on the internet and came across a lot of stuff that talks about legal issues and blogging. I’m not planning on blogging about controversial issues, (my blog would focus on posts about books, movies, culture, theater, music etc, and all material would be solely my own opinions) so what legal issues are involved with blogging? . Should I write a copyright disclaimer or are blog disclaimers actually worthless?.
It’s not a matter of FEELING unloved, unwanted. You miss and distort the truth , mislead people.
It’s BEING unwanted, BEING unloved.
Get it right
You
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I grew up in an alcoholic home with a narcissistic mom. Married a Narcissistic wife and stayed unhappily married for over 23 years. Kept thinking it would all work out. Never did. Finally left at the begging of my children because the house was unsafe as my wife went deeper and deeper into her demands. My two daughters were 19 and 18 at the time. 19 year old within 2 months or so ran off with a man I have never to this day met -supposedly because they are afraid of me. SHe ran off in the middle of the night with people that she had met on FB and got married within a year and now has two babies. For months I did not even know if she had been kidnapped. She went back to her mom and has become almost just like her. In her NPD she uses subtle put-downs etc and is very hurtful to spend time with. My other daughter and I struggled to stay together and lived in our car for about a year. Then moved to a temporary stay for 2 years and now to a 2 br apartment for the last year. Ever since moving here last august, she started college and now wants nothing to do with me. She pretends it’s normal not to talk to me for 6 days straight and is always busy. When we do talk, she stops the conversation as soon as it is not about her and overall does not ask about me. She did not feel she had an opportunity to make friends when she was growing up (which is true to a large degree) and now wants to flaunt her social life in front of me at every opportunity as if to show me how easy it all should have been. Constantly reminding me that she finally has what she always wanted NO THANKS to me. It does not matter that I never wanted it to be like that, only that it was. I have apologized for not giving her the life she needed including specific details of how I personally feel I truthfully failed, but it is like I will never be forgiven. She shames me daily and I feel beat down.
Because of how things went down, I essentially have spent a lot of time overcoming a lifetime of traumatic events, depression, and more. Unfortunately, because I have been an overachiever in the field of codependency, I had lost all circles of association and self as I felt it was necessary to please my abusers. I have personally gotten help through a recovery group and the principles taught has literally changed my life. While I have tried to bring the principals of recovery to my family, no one listens or cares and act as if they never will. It is like the real me does not exist (to them). Shortly after I finished the studies with the group, the chapter, unfortunately, closed down and I no longer have a support group. I know that in a sense, supporting myself emotionally is the most important aspect of healthy living, but I am also unwantedly isolated. I feel so much pain from isolation it is unbearable. (BTW- while in full throttle of my corrupt relationships I could not even feel this pain and was numb to it) I try to talk to my daughter who lives with me, but have given up that there will ever be reciprocal love and appreciation for each other.
I am having an extremely difficult time finding people that are not toxic to become friends with, so , relying on anything but self-support seems futile to me. I think I am a great guy and quite sociable and believe that I have a lot to offer other people. Funny, smart, a livewire, active, caring, loving, and more. I just cannot seem to find people who are genuine and share the same thoughts about themselves especially in my situation and age range of 52. I admit I am a young soul type person which does not seem to mix very well with others that practically live their life like they are already one foot in the grave. I want to be around other people but then when they are dying souls, I no longer want to be there with them. I spend almost 99% of my time alone and wish it was only around 90% or maybe 80%. That 9-19% difference practically kills me with pain emotionally right now.
I want to move away from my daughter because she does not clean up after herself and expects me to do it for her, is self-centered in almost every aspect of the word, is unwilling to discuss how her actions make me feel, is berating toward me and has communicated to me that she feels that any love that I might ask for would be way too much for her to give and even that I am impossible to love. She has told me outright that she feels no one could ever love me. It’s the hardest thing in the world to not only be unsupported by anyone else, but also to have to hear these types of lies.
I am feeling sorrowful I suppose for myself because I am looking for a place to live so that I do not have to be in this anymore, while still knowing I love and forgive her. I actually forgive everyone that has wronged me, I am willing to be in a relationship both of my daughters, but cannot seem to find a way to get the abuse to stop flowing toward me. It is like a booger that just won’t leave with the people that I have loved the most. I have stopped denying that she is healthy for me to be around even though my love for her is deep, losing everyone I have ever known or loved to this disease is devasting. No amount of self-love will ever replace them, but it will allow me to enjoy who I am and what I do with or without others. I do not feel strong enough to receive abuse in exchange for the love that I get. It is tiring and feel I deserve better.
If you are the praying type, please pray that the pain of all this stops and that I can finally be free from all the people that are intent on hurting me. That I could build new strong relationships not only with myself and God, but with other nontoxic people.
I don’t believe I will ever come out from under this cloud. My life is full of abandonment, hate, cruelty. The government wanted us to be killers now that their done with us they just don’t want us. Hate and cruelty were feed so it would grow. Easy to do with those who already knew no one wanted them.
Jrok, if you were addressing Tiger by calling her a narcissist, it says a lot about you that you took the time to be nasty, which only confirms her point.
People are indeed awful. Thanks for illustrating that sentiment.
I enjoyed reading your article but there were things I did not understand regardinding my situation and feeling unloved. I feel I do love myself very much and I give love abundantly but it rarely comes back to me. The same way or sometimes not at all. I’m told I’m super sensitive and I am but I try so hard to make sure my family knows how much I love them and I practice what I preach but feel I am taken advantage of and it’s very hurtful and depressing. I feel very alone and like I don’t belong here.
I feel the same way as you. I try proving that I love my family very much, but they just don’t feel the same way.
You exactly penned down what I feel Toni.
There’s a difference between feeling unloved and always putting your interests above everyone all the time. There’s nothing wrong in imposing a little discomfort on yourself to train yourself to live with lack
We are all loveable to the right people but dint always have the right people in our lives and in think it’s to teach us to love ourselves more so that we dont need others to love us. It’s hard when you’re going through something or bad health and would like someone there to help you when it’s difficult to help yourself though :(
I really hope that I’ll someday can leave my past behind me. When I was 6 (I’m now almost 25) my parents got divorced, my dad tried his best, but he’s Bipolar so he has his ups and downs. But my mom found this new man.. That basically turned my life into a living hell. They were fighting all the time to the point where it got physical, they smoked so much hashish that they didn’t care about anything. My “step-dad” was also an alcoholic and a user of coke. My step-dad has a son, one year younger than me… I feel so sorry for him, cause he is walking in his fathers footsteps, but he has done some things to me and my sister… So I will never see him as a sibling! My sister is 3,5 years younger than me, I love her to death and I would do anything in the world for her! When I turned 16 we (our “family”) got kicked out of our house. My mom got an apartment, and she promised that now her, my sister and I, could live together in peace…. Now I feel so dumb for believing her… We moved into our new apartment, and one day my mom had to visit my step-dad to “get some things” from the old house… She never came back to live with my sister an I. She paid the rent, transferred money so we could eat… But she chose him, and they are still together till this day. And I still don’t understand
I enjoyed the article but I can’t get what’s happening out my head and heart , my mother is taking everything I say against me and she keeps turing me sister and brother on me , I feel like she don’t love me and don’t care about me anymore , she said I am stupid and I am worthless all the money they spent on me , and that I am so confident less , today I heard her talking to my sister behind my back about how stupid I am and how I can’t manage any thing in my life even my studying , I am 19 years old and I can’t take it any more .
Agreed this is BS. I am a thoughtful, dedicated, trustworthy person and I love myself. But have suffered a ton of traumatic abuse and betrayal despite being mentally healthy myself. My problem is that my faith in OTHER people has been shattered. There isn’t a void WITHIN me that I need to fill with “self-love.” The void is OUTSIDE and surrounding me, where my loving community should be are psychopaths instead. I can’t restore my faith in OTHER PEOPLE by simply liking myself more. I need to have someone be as reapo sible and trustworthy as I already am. WTF
This article is not for you. @Narcissist.
Tiger..I second your thought and I am in a very similar situation, but i somehow have found the anchor within. I say this with absolute humility and no arrogance. Once I am anchored or centered within, even if someone’s energies disturb me I am able to come back to my equilibrium. I guess expectations that we have from others is the biggest hurdle…
Thank you for sharing the blog like us.
This is my deepest and darkest core wound. It’s also a deep wound that has been in my family for many generations. I’ve done a lot of ancestral healing work with a shaman. I wanted to stop it for the next generation. I’ve also have had to cross over family who passed away but stayed because of the pain and trauma, with the help of the shaman.
I grew up in a home where I never felt safe. My mother, brother and sister were so angry. My brother and sister are twins and 8 years older than me. They were 12 years older than my little brother.
My older brother could do no wrong with my mother. My sister was the scapegoat. My brother was physically, verbally, and sexually abusive. My sister hated me because of jealousy. My little brother was treated like no one cared about him. I was 4 when my mother became pregnant with him. I can still remember my mother being angry about being pregnant with him. My father did try to protect us but he couldn’t handle my mother
His coping mechanism was drinking. He was a alcoholic. My little brother took his own life at 16. Unfortunately he internalized everything. We were both sensitive empaths. I also believe that my father was too.
13 years ago after I went through cancer treatment I had a spiritual awakening and went through the dark night of the soul. Before that I really thought that I had my shit together! It was very traumatizing to really see how many toxic people in my life. I was retraumatized by my brother and then my mother.
One of the hardest things for me was to realize that all of these horrible things that happened in my family were normal. From the outside we looked like a normal family. I walked away from my mother and brother. They are malignant sociopathic narccissts. I made peace with my sister before she unexpectedly died. This has been a long journey. I realized how unhealthy I really was. I sabotaged so many good relationships and opportunities because of it. I can’t change the past. I’m a much healthier person now. I finally love myself. I’m no longer the people pleaser codependent person I was. I’m still working on getting triggered by feeling unwanted. It’s been difficult because my family has disowned me because I’ve spoken the truth and I no longer enable my mother. It’s probably going to be something that I will have to work on the rest of my life. One day at a time. I will not call myself a victim. I am a survivor. I chose to heal myself and my family. We have 2 choices when we are abused and/or traumatized. We can choose to be angry and feel like a victim or we can heal and choose to be a survivor. I am a survivor. It’s the harder way but it is also the most rewarding and healthy way.
Legit story here. Overcoming it is solid.
Two weeks ago my wife told me that she want a divorce (for my own good). I know that we keep fighting lately but I’m not thinking that she would said that. Three days ago I told her that shes being ignorant, she knows that I’m on the middle of strugling time for my master degree and yes we are married on a very young age. From three days ago we didn’t have any contact yet. I feel so hate myself right now besides I know that there are several doubts in my mind about her. Frankly I still waiting that she would send me a message to talk about our relationship kindly. I think its not my concern anymore since she left me alone for two months on 2014 from our house and we live separately after that. If the answer is still divorce, I hope our daughters will forgive us one day. Keep on the good work!
This article seems aimed at people who’ve been in relationships and felt love, but now find themselves alone again and bitter.
As a 42 year-old man who’s always been too full of self-hatred to even consider finding a girlfriend, I’m not sure how to feel about people who’ve actually been sexually and romantically validated.
I suppose breaking up almost always hurts. But at least you know that other people find you desirable, so it’s not so much about being unlovable as it is about getting over a lost love before you inevitably find another.
That’s not the same thing, and I wish I had the problems of those who’ve posted comments here.
If just one woman wanted me, that feeling alone would be enough for a lifetime, regardless of what the outcome would be. But for that to happen, I’d have to magically grow a new face and body, as well as completely change my personality from scratch. And I an’t do that.
I want to be loved for who I am, just as I love others for who they are. But I’m unlovable. The only woman who’s ever shown interest in me, was morbidly obese I wasn’t interested, and she soon rejected me anyway.
2 weeks later, she was impregnated by her new Tinder boyfriend…
I give up.
The simple fact is that some of us are just unloveable, and there’s nothing that can change that. I wasted lots of time tricking myself into thinking I could find someone that truly loved me, but I realize now that it’s not ever going to happen. You have to learn to put that part of your life behind you and move on.
I have to disagree with this, I’ve never met anyone who is unlovable, it sounds like a consolation belief to have to avoid further looking.
Trust me, when you are a 48 year old woman with 8 and 5 year old children, you are unloveable.
‘Trust me, when you are a 48 year old woman with 8 and 5 year old children, you are unloveable.’
…don’t know about romantic love…but i believe your children loves you.
‘you are unlovable’. Of course, as a senior you have double experience in life than I ever had and I wont try to prove you wrong either. It’s just that I would still choose to believe that everyone is lovable. If that leads me heartbroken in future then I’ll be sad but satisfied at the same time coz I did my best. But if I find someone that loves me then chances are ‘you found too’.
LOL @ calling a 45 year old a “senior”.
+ 1
These tips can really help to those who feel like they are not good enough. Its not easy but it is possible to fight and overcome this. Self love is important. Thanks for this post. Great Article!
I’m so happy with this article. I love the fact that I’m not depended to anyone to fill my hole. Because people just don’t give enough love these days , because they dont love themselves.