Open, approachable, warm, friendly, unrestrained … I’m not sure about you, but when I think of the typical extrovert, I make these word associations, perhaps along with a few other less savory ones as well (loudmouthed and exhibitionist also come to mind).
For quite some time since Susan Cain’s Introvert Revolution took off, social media has shifted its attention to the many virtues of being an introvert, with many advocates (including myself) arising from obscurity and encouraging self-acceptance amongst the world’s introverted, and generally misunderstood, population.
While this is wonderful and extremely beneficial, extroversion does tend to get shunned and discredited amongst all the frenzied passion and self-empowerment.
As Sol pointed out in his last article:
When we talk about “types” of people, this also implies a separation between groups of people that really doesn’t exist.
So although these personality labels of “introvert” and “extrovert” do tend to create unnecessary separation and dissent (not taking into account that most people are actually Ambiverted), for the purpose of this article, we’ll use “extrovert” to refer to a friendly and open person. We’ll also use the label to discus how and why temporarily tapping into your inner extrovert can benefit your life in the long run.
Doesn’t That Make Me Inauthentic?
Why go to the extra effort? What’s the point? Doesn’t that go against our own personal authenticity?
Actually, this article was inspired by an email I recently received from an introverted LonerWolf reader wanting to find effective ways to ‘fake extroversion’ for the purpose of excelling in a desired position within a company.
My response was that we are all multidimensional beings, which is why through life we are often able to discover and access new sides of ourselves that we never knew existed before.
I believe that we are all able to be introverted and extroverted (to varying degrees of course), so it is not a question of going against your personal authenticity to tap into a way of being that doesn’t come first-nature to you. We are all capable of opening ourselves up, just as we are all capable of introspecting.
Depending on your strengths and abilities, becoming a charming and gregarious extrovert can take a lot of time, energy and persistence, but can certainly be refined for your benefit in the end.
So what’s the point, and why bother? Well, learning how to be a warm and sociable person can personally benefit you in the following situations:
- Job interviews.
- Meeting the family of your boyfriend/girlfriend.
- Interacting with children.
- Gaining pay rises and job promotions.
- Bargaining and bartering.
- Excelling in positions of authority.
- Playing the role of a mediator or peacemaker between people.
- Finding a new friend or small group of friends.
- Business networking.
- Showing other people they are important and valued through conversation and social niceties.
As you can see, these are 10 of the possible ways tapping into your inner extrovert can benefit your life, and the lives of others in the long term.
How to Be an Extrovert
Being your extroverted self is not just about “faking” it all the time. In my experience, creating balance in life is essential for your own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. Balancing introversion with extroversion creates more equilibrium within you, opens more doors, and introduces more skill sets than just remaining in your small circle of comfort would ever give you (and this is coming from a highly introverted loner).
However, to constantly put yourself in positions that demand different skill sets does require a lot of mental and emotional balance. By this I mean that if you are prone to anything like excessive crippling anxiety, perfectionist angst, or self-esteem issues, you will need to work on creating more balance within yourself before stepping into this challenging territory.
So while I’m no expert at how to be extroverted, I have experimented with a few tricks and approaches through observation. This is what I had, and still have, the most success with:
1. Always acknowledge people.
Make it a habit to greet people and say goodbye to them, no matter who they are, or how close they are to you. Saying a few friendly words to absolute strangers isn’t actually considered that weird, believe it or not! To remain quiet for an extrovert in such situations is very off-character (they consider it cold, unfriendly or rude).
2. Genuinely take interest in people.
Find something to love about each and every person you meet. Whether a loveable quirk, their eclectic style, or a specific virtue, you must find something to appreciate about the person. This is mandatory (sorry for the use of an intimidating word, but it’s true). If you’re not genuinely interested in the people you talk to, this will eventually come across.
3. Embrace the need for small talk.
If you’re an introvert you will undoubtedly find small talk irritating and mundane, but to extroverts small talk is essential. Why? Small talk forms a social bridge of careful, friendly connections with people. It’s a way to test the social waters and establish how much you have in common with other people, as well as how safe or appropriate it is to reveal more about yourself. There are many social sharks out there who use your personal information as gossip bait, so consider small talk a prudent caution. Also, you can make small talk typical and boring (e.g. about the weather or traffic), or spice it up a bit (e.g. about something unexpected that happened to you, something weird you heard on the news, a joke about something you just saw).
4. Pay attention to your body language.
Psychology and sociology have constantly shown that what we feel and think directly influences how we present our physical bodies. If you are bored, you yawn; if you want to leave a conversation, your feet will point towards the nearest exit; if you are uncomfortable or insecure, your arms will be crossed over your chest tightly. Learning basic body language is important to keep yourself open and inviting. We have 10+ articles on the essentials of body language which you may like to take the time to read. This will give you a good place to start.
5. Learn how to “mirror”.
I previously wrote about mirroring here, and its ability to create a sense of affinity and understanding between people. When two people “click”, you will often find that their body language mimics that of the other person’s. People who mirror each other develop immediate connections. You might like to continue reading here.
6. Keep an open mind.
People with charm avoid being inflexible and judgmental. They enjoy seeing the world through other’s eyes as well as their own. ~ Brian Tracy & Ron Arden, “The Power of Charm“
Tapping into your inner extrovert is about learning how to become cordial and approachable. If you are an intolerant, opinionated bigot, you won’t get very far at all. Putting yourself in the shoes of others and trying to see through their own eyes helps to foster more compassion, empathy, and social charm. Communicate your ideas and beliefs with respect as a simple exchange of ideas, rather than as an arrogant display of superiority or rightness.
7. Participate actively, but keep it equal.
It is said that only 7% of what we respond to in a social situation are the words of the speaker (55% is what we see, and 38% is what we hear), so it doesn’t matter how eloquent you are, just make sure you participate at least 50% of the time. Keep the ball in the other person’s court and allow them to take over as much as they like. Not only will this make it easier for you, but this will create stronger connections than simply yapping on about yourself for hours. There is the charming extrovert, and then there is the obnoxious one.
8. Be open, but distant.
Sounds a bit like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? One mistake I’ve made during my journey of honing my extrovert skills was getting too involved with people too quickly. If you are an introverted by nature, you really need to learn how to make space for your quiet self to breathe. Otherwise, you may find yourself feeling suppressed, caged in, or constantly overwhelmed. Once again as I mentioned, you must be mentally and emotionally balanced to tap into your inner extrovert. So while you can be warm, friendly and sociable, you can also create distance between yourself and other people by not getting too involved with their lives and problems, or allow others to not get too involved in your life matters. This will safeguard you well against dreaded “drinks at the pub” or “get-togethers after work”.
The Awakened Empath eBook:
Written for the highly sensitive and empathic people of life, Awakened Empath is a comprehensive map for helping you to develop physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual balance on every level.
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Refining your charming and gregarious extrovert skills can take a lot of time, effort and practice, but in my experience it can significantly benefit your life in the long term. Remember to not throw yourself in the deep end by first establishing mental and emotional balance, and you will find new and unexpected doors opening to you everywhere!
Feel free to share your experiences below!
I like this article. Its not something you would normally find on the internet :)
Out of all the principles this one intrigued me the most: “Be open, but distant”
Could you tell me where i can learn more about this idea? (distance).
Hi Ole. :)
Being open but distant is basically about not getting too involved with a person’s life and problems, and not allowing others to get too involved in your life matters. It’s about setting boundaries for yourself.
Some people…just bring out the extrovert in me! Probably good extroverts skilled at drawing out the shy person. On the other hand, put me one on one with a severely introverted person and not only am I at a loss for words but feel really uncomfortable, even panic!
Same for me Tessa!
There is no way I can be around people… it’s not social anxiety or anything like that . No one understands… I am always constantly feeling emotionally and physically drained… I feel better when I am not around people… I dont always understand why…
what are Humans?
The question I have is how do I accept the fact that I have an introvert extrovert personality?
I work with people all day. Manager in retail sales. I’m also a work out instructor.
Growing up, theater and singing helped me to tap into my extroverted self. I grew up knowing that side of me, how to tap into it, and be successful in it.
However, now as an adult, I struggle with accepting the fact that I just can’t be the social butterfly, and I need that introverted side more so than I did when I was younger.
All of the articles I’ve read are about tapping into the extroverted side of oneself. But what if I know how to do that, and the struggle I have and causes me anxiety and depression is learning the healthy balance of the two? Learning to not only accept, but love the side of myself that is introverted?
Is there anyway we can talk through email please? I have a few questions but don’t know exactly how to ask or explain what I want to know. I hope that makes sense.. I guess it has to do with spiritual awakening but at the same time it’s not new.. I really hope to hear from you. I feel I can trust your understanding and open-mindedness and that u may be able to help me. Either way, this site has already helped me immensely. Thank you :) Ashiaweigand@gmail.com
Brilliant article thank you so much. I definitely think tapping into your inner extrovert or shall we say we are after all multidimensional beings so ambiverts is the word. We are a mix of both introvert and extrovert and tapping into them is equally as important for balance.
Yes, precisely Jes. :) If there was any underlying philosophy connected with this article it would be, “In all things find balance.”
It is not at all easy for me to turn into an extrovert to suit the whims of others. As for having an agenda and using this route, it is very unlike who I am. I do not like having to use this method to get what I want, though I sometimes have no other choice but to be a little more open than I am. I think it does shock some people that I am so solitary. I know that my manner does project a type of ‘weakness’ that extroverts feel they can control- without understanding WHO I am more completely. Sometimes they employ this for sport, other times for thinking they know me better than I know myself. Much like a co-worker [who is not one anymore, or part of my life] wanted me to attend a party to ‘try and get me drunk’. Trying this and knowing that 1. I live many miles from home and have to drive [as staying over at their place is NOT something I would want to do]. 2. I am NOT ten or twenty years younger [like them] and I have ‘been there, done that’ AND have moved on in that respect and 3. wanted to see if she could set me up with somebody SHE thought might be ‘good for me’. So, by her reasoning, getting me drunk and ‘setting me up’ with some guy would advance her thoughts of how extroverted I SHOULD be, without regard for who I am. The result? Why, yes. I DID turn. her. down. and all contact since.
It is wonderful to say that an introvert should try to be a little more extroverted, but perhaps it should be gently asked when extroverts do that. NOT bluntly demanded because the extrovert, or society, said so.
Robin, I believe you have received a completely unintended message from my article. This article is not about “feigning extroversion”, but is rather about learning to open yourself more to the possibilities of life. When I wrote this article I specified “emotional and mental balance” before going ahead and opening your comfort zone little by little. All relationships require honesty, which is why instead of faking a socially open side, it is better to naturally tap into this hidden side we all have and introduce these qualities into your life slowly and authentically.
Going back over this, may I say….sorry? I did misinterpret your column. My apologies.
I find this site valuable in that it does address some of the deeper issues loners face. Ones that, sometimes, one doesn’t always do a good bunch of housekeeping of. I do have things that bubble up from time to time. It is not always easy to face the fact that there are very few venues where folks like us can come and read, react, and occasionally vent [even if it sometimes misses the mark].
:) Robin
Not to worry Robin – the article title is provocative, and sometimes gives the immediate wrong impression. I’m happy to know you enjoy the other articles. This really does encourage me to continue on the work here. All the best, :)
I can go into “charming extrovert mode” but only if energy levels allow it so,otherwise it’s very obvious that I’m being inauthentic. I fully agree with you in that sometimes being extroverted has it’s advantages,and that nobody can be fully introverted or extroverted all of the time as humans are multidimensional beings and need balance. Over the past year I’ve been working on obtaining this balance,a friend of mine once commented that the first time she met me I wouldn’t smile when she greeted me and thought that I was mean!
Reminds me of what I’ve heard for a lot of my life when I remain quiet: “Are you upset?” The question really catches me off-guard and has made me reassess how I am perceived in the eyes of others. Seeing yourself in this objective way seems to come naturally to some people, and not so naturally to others (like me, and perhaps you!) So it’s amazing how far a small smile or nod goes.
One thing I also forgot to mention was that it’s important to ration out your energy – especially if you tend to go towards the introverted side of the spectrum. Starting the day as a bubbly ball of energy won’t get you far 3-4 hours in, so it’s good to know how to flick the “on and off switch”, and when.
Thank you for reading Lupe! Looking forward to more of your responses in the future! :)
I have been using the “being open, but distant” technique for quite a long time as an introvert. It certainly works for me. :-)
Thank you for sharing what you’ve learned.
Also, just wanted to comment…
I have to say that I know a lot of opinionated bigots whose lives are flourishing….much better than mine! lol
I think maybe its the area these types live in that helps them. Put them in a very conservative environment where they can be in charge of it all, and they do great…from what I’ve seen.
I just try to stay away from them as much as possible…they are scary. :-P
Glad to hear that you can reaffirm that technique Raven (as not everyone will have success with such suggestions). It’s interesting to observe the loud-mouthed person. Often people can’t distinguish between a person who truly knows what they are doing, and a person who, because of how vocal they are, APPEARS to know what they are doing. Humans can be fooled so easily in this regard: the loudest and surest person is often the one people flock behind.
Thank You for sharing Everything you post. I enjoy reading your work and learn something new and helpful every time I read – Many continued Blessings LonerWolf
That makes me so happy to hear Niki, and I’m delighted that you can benefit in some way – this is my ultimate purpose for writing, both to express myself and my lessons learnt, and to add in some small way to the lives of others. I hope to hear more from you in the future! x
Thank you for all you do! I recently came across this and thought you might find it interesting?
http://www.themystic.org/print/skills.htm