Shame is the cancer of the psyche. It eats away at us slowly, tainting everything we experience with its dark glow of self-loathing. And it all stems from a lack of self-forgiveness.
Have you ever said, done, or thought something truly horrible?
Have you ever:
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- betrayed someone you loved
- overstepped a boundary you thought you’d never cross, or
- intentionally inflicted harm upon yourself (or another)?
If you’re human, I can guarantee that you’ll say an almost immediate yes.
And don’t worry, you’re not alone. We have all been there to differing degrees. You’re not a monster, you’re just a flawed and wounded human being.
While I’m not here to excuse anything you’ve done (self-responsibility is crucial), I am here to be a voice of compassion. Hating yourself won’t make anything better.
It’s time for some self-forgiveness.
Table of contents
What is Self-Forgiveness?
Self-forgiveness is the practice of forgiving yourself of past wrongdoings. It involves changing your perception of yourself and what happened through the eyes of self-compassion and self-understanding. By understanding the deeper mechanics of why you did what you did, and holding yourself in the embrace of self-love, you can let go, move on, and feel free again.
Actions That Make us Feel Guilt and Shame (Examples)
While we can sometimes feel haunted by a thought or intention we’ve secretly carried (once or many times), generally we feel most deeply impacted by what we’ve done.
Here are some examples of actions that cause us guilt and shame:
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- Bullying someone
- Getting an abortion
- Cheating on your partner
- Stealing
- Physically hurting a loved one
- Gossiping and/or spreading rumors
- Destroying other’s property
And of course, there are more extreme cases out there that range from molestation to murder. (Clearly, this article isn’t approving such actions, or giving you a get out of jail free card – it’s simply focusing on the other side of the journey: self-forgiveness.)
The Dark Side of Self-Condemnation
It’s vital to have a certain level of guilt/shame after hurting ourselves or someone else. Without guilt, we would sociopathically ignore the impact of our behavior. (And can you imagine what society would be like if no one felt bad about what they’d done? We’d be living in a non-stop apocalypse.)
But guilt and shame become toxic when they begin to fester within us; when we can’t let go of what we’ve done or move on. Picture a stagnant pool of water – that’s what a lack of self-forgiveness feels like. There is no growth, no movement, no freshness, no life inside, only the same old rancid sludge of self-hating thoughts.
In fact, when we carry toxic guilt and shame, we tend to create a negative and unrealistic image of ourselves in our minds. Such dark self-images sadly tend to create self-fulfilling prophecies or negative feedback loops. In other words, if we carry the negative core belief that we’re a cheating scumbag who doesn’t have an ounce of loyalty within us, we may perpetuate that same behavior in our next relationship.
8 Benefits of Self-Forgiveness
To prevent the same old mistakes from happening, learning how to forgive ourselves is crucial. In other words, self-forgiveness gives us a new lease on life, it frees us to grow, change, and transform in positive ways. Sometimes, it inspires us to help others in similar circumstances that we once experienced (or inflicted).
Yes, guilt and shame are important to feel, but only up until a certain point. We need to mourn and regret our behavior, but we also need to make space to learn from our mistakes and change as a person.
Here’s how self-forgiveness helps us:
- We stop dwelling in (and endlessly reliving) the past
- We begin living in the present moment
- We have more hope for the future
- We develop more self-love and understanding
- We can more readily forgive others
- We learn from our mistakes and transform as people
- We have more energy and motivation for life
- We learn how to become a better person
Download FREE Self-Forgiveness Worksheets!
Go deeper with a self-forgiveness journaling prompt + printable meditation mandala!
How to Forgive Yourself For Past Mistakes (8 Steps)
Learning how to forgive yourself is a journey that can take anywhere from a day to a lifetime – it’s truly a unique process, and there’s no right or wrong pace at which you “should” be moving.
Like you, I am imperfect. I have done things that have shamed me to the core. I have regrets. I have a shadow self. But I’ve also done a lot of inner work and healing that has helped me to move past my mistakes and transform as a person. I’m sure there will be many more hiccups in the future, but by knowing the importance of self-forgiveness, I trust that I’ll be able to get through them. Even if I don’t have immediate success, I have practiced the below philosophies enough to know that I’ll eventually learn from my mistakes.
Here is what I’ve learned from my own journey and observing/helping others on theirs on how to forgive yourself:
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1. Understand that you cannot change the past
The past is done, gone, kaput. You cannot change or alter it. Therefore, dwelling obsessively over what you “could” or “should” have done is a waste of time and energy. Beating yourself up achieves nothing but more self-hatred – and self-hatred is the antithesis of growth. Do you want to “fix” what happened? The only way to do that now is to move forward. The only way is to let your mistakes teach you and transform you as a person. Obsessing over the past simply cannot do that. It’s time to let go.
2. Reflect on your level of consciousness (then vs. now)
I’m going to say something that will be crucial for you to remember and reflect on:
We’re all doing the best we can based on the level of consciousness we have in the moment.
What does this mean exactly? “Based on the level of consciousness we have” means that, throughout life, we all have varying degrees of mental, emotional, and spiritual maturity. When you were 5 years old, for instance, you had a lower level of maturity than at 15, 25, or 55.
The you then is not the you now. Your life has changed. You have aged. You have had more experiences. You have learned more, felt more, seen more, and understood more. Even your body has changed. There is not one part of you that hasn’t changed (except, perhaps, your Soul or True Self). So then, how can you keep resenting yourself?
Dedicate some serious time to reflecting on this truth. I recommend journaling your thoughts and feelings about the statement: We’re all doing the best we can based on the level of consciousness we have in the moment. Learn more about how to journal.
In the moment you made a mistake in the past, you had a different level of consciousness. Perhaps you weren’t as aware, awake, and cognizant of the consequences. Perhaps you were reacting from old wounds. Perhaps your shadow self temporarily took over. Do some digging and cut yourself some slack.
3. See your mistake as a reflection of the Shadow Self
We all have a dark side, a place within us that we would prefer not to look at. This dark side is usually unconscious and was formed due to experiences in life that taught us that certain parts of us were “good” and other parts were “bad.” It is this Shadow Self part that causes us to self-sabotage, seethe with jealousy, be blinded by rage, lie to our partners, and hurt our loved ones.
What is, perhaps, most critical to remember is that this is just one part of you, it is not the whole of you. When we struggle to forgive ourselves, we tend to identify solely with (and as) our Shadow Selves and forget all of our kind, loving, and endearing qualities.
Remember that whatever you did is not a reflection of your True Nature – it is a result of your unexamined Shadow erupting to the surface of your life and wreaking havoc. If anything, whatever you’ve done has gifted you with the blessing of knowing first-hand the importance of Shadow Work (or exploring your Shadow). Please take this as a wake-up call to start the inward journey of involution, of inner transformation – not as a call to continue demonizing yourself.
4. Creatively express your grief and regret
When we’ve made a serious mistake (or have done something that triggers intense toxic shame in us), it’s important that we make space to process these feelings. Mind you, ruminating and dredging up old memories repeatedly is not processing your feelings: it’s simmering in them. It’s time to do away with that form of self-punishment. Facing, feeling, and expressing what’s going on inside of you will be a vital part of your healing journey.
To process your complicated grief and regret, I strongly recommend finding some kind of creative outlet. Creative self-expression is a form of inner alchemy that helps to transmute your pain into wisdom. Examples include:
- Painting
- Drawing
- Sculpting
- Collaging
- Singing
- Composing music
- Dancing
You don’t have to be an artist to self-express – this is an inborn need and capacity within all of us. So do some reflecting and see what resonates with you.
Once you’ve chosen a form of creative self-expression, use your guilt/shame/regret as inspiration. For example, if you betrayed the trust of someone you loved in the past, create a piece of art based on the feeling of betrayal. What does betrayal look, sound, smell, taste, and feel like? How did it impact them and you? What can you learn from this situation? How has it changed you? Infuse your art with these contemplations.
5. Work with your inner archetypes
Archetypes are types (or patterns) of energy that can be found within all people, societies, races, and periods of time. Common archetypes include The Warrior, The Maiden, The Hero, The Mother, The Victim, The Wise Man/Woman, etc.
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One reason why I love and respect the practice of working with your inner archetypes is that it helps you to evolve, mature, individuate, and rediscover your True Nature. When it comes to learning how to forgive yourself, you will need some inner guidance. Excavating and connecting with your inner love archetypes will be a powerful way of setting yourself free.
For example, you might like to explore your own:
- Inner Quan Yin or Jesus (Compassion archetype)
- Inner Tara or Buddha (Wisdom archetype)
- Inner Mother Mary or Zeus (Mother/Father archetype)
You can call on these inner parts of your Soul for guidance, support, and help. Understand that these archetypes are universal sources of energy available to all of us. We each contain a seed of self-compassion within.
Read more about archetypes for further guidance.
6. What needs were unmet at the time?
As psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg writes,
Turning our attention to the part of the self which chose to act in the way that led to the present situation, we ask ourselves, “When I behaved in the way which I now regret, what need of mine was I trying to meet?” I believe that human beings are always acting in the service of needs and values. This is true whether the action does or does not meet the need, or whether it’s one we end up celebrating or regretting.
There is a reason why you acted the way you did in the past, and that’s because you were trying to get a need met (in the best way you knew how to in the moment).
So treat yourself with some compassion and explore what need you were trying to satisfy. Was it the need to be loved? The need to be respected? The need to be seen? The need to be heard? The need to feel safe? By understanding your underlying need, a certain level of guilt and shame is lifted.
7. Do a letting go ritual
At some point in your journey, you’ll know that it’s time to let go. You’ll be tired of the constant mental berating and guilt trips. You’ll crave for peace; for a new beginning. When this time comes, you’ll know you’re finally ready to let go.
Letting go tends to sound whimsical and vague to most people. But it doesn’t have to be. There are certain practices you can do to make this experience solid and memorable. I recommend practicing a simple fire release ritual to help you let go and move on.
To practice this fire ritual, you’ll need a piece of paper, a lighter (or box of matches), and a bowl of some kind (to catch the embers). Simply write what you’d like to let go of on your piece of paper. Then, light the paper on fire, drop it into your bowl, and watch it burn. As it burns, know that you are also burning away old patterns and habits. You are simultaneously experiencing a death and rebirth. You can find a more detailed instruction of this ritual in my full moon ritual article.
8. Practice self-love
Finally, take care of yourself. Be gentle and kind, knowing that it’s okay to make mistakes and be human. If you need help practicing self-love, by all means seek out counseling (sometimes it helps to have a friendly face there to hold space for you). If you notice harsh self-talk popping up, explore practices such as mindfulness, meditation, and affirmations.
I recommend reading my article on how to love yourself, or checking out our step-by-step guided self-love journal, for more in-depth guidance.
***
To conclude, I’ll leave you with these words by author and teacher Debbie Ford:
The most important thing in self help is self-forgiveness: it’s when we relax into the vulnerability of our humanity and find compassion for our own internal struggles.
Remember, you are human. You make mistakes. And that’s okay. What matters now is how you use those bumps in the road to fuel your growth and transformation. Will you let them eat you alive or will you use them as motivation to keep evolving?
What is the most difficult part of self-forgiveness for you? Let me know in the comments! Perhaps you’ll find a kindred spirit who can share your pain.
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As I read your article I saw myself in many parts of it. In my family I was tolerated but not loved. The only time I was noticed was to show me my wrongs, but I was never encouraged. I learned to belittle myself and by the time I was a pre-teen, I had a low self esteem, I felt guilty I had been born, and I hated myself and because of that I didn’t know how to make good decisions for myself. I got stuck in the past and my future just passed me by. Now I’m old and my present life is not the way I wanted it to be. When I became a Born Again believer they told me that God forgives me, and I believe He does, but I need to learn to forgive myself. I’ve hurt many people, but I hurt myself the most. Thank you for your article. It is a tremendous help to me, and I am putting your teaching of self forgiveness into practice.
<3
I have always lived with shame. I still choke on it almost daily, I also struggle to keep my depression and suicidal ideation at bay most days, and given the added isolation currently, it festers in secret when I’m not engaged at work or with my counselor. I grew up in a racist, sexist, phobic, emotionally volatile, and restrictive environment where I couldn’t speak my mind and most of my personal needs were neglected. I have felt like a waste, a mistake. These trangressions have affected all my interpersonal relationships and I fear I will never know of actual love and connection due to this pain thanks to my bio family. I just want to heal, to transcend and contribute and thrive. I hate being self-pitying and consumed by my self hate, but I’m often lost in painful, cringe-worthy memories that surround my mistakes, misgivings, lack of insight, moments where I had no control and moments where I reacted poorly. I’m always trying to hold myself accountable, regardless of stigma and mental/spiritual health struggles, I feel that’s the very least humans can do to become the better version of ourselves. It’s hard for me to fathom learning self-love and forgiveness, as I had virtually no model or guide for such teachings. But I am told that I am worthy of love and kindness, and I choose to believe in that because the other option is ceasing to exist. I greatly appreciate your articles and compassionate writing. Thank you for your efforts, it has been a ritual of mine for a while, circling back to sentences or gists that greatly resonate.
Pardon my sob story <3 truly grateful
SV
Bleedingheart-
I send you a big hug and want you to know you are not alone! I understand you ♥️
I hear you bleedingheart ♥️ Thank you for your courage, strength, and vulnerability.
I have learnt through the process of Holotropic Breathwork the hidden depths of guilt and self-loathing I have carried around with me (that comes not simply from acts I’ve committed myself in this lifetime but even more strongly, I believe, from my ancestral lineage) and I have learnt to have compassion for myself and others, understanding that whatever happened happened because of the level of consciousness I had (or others had) at that time, and that it is a lesson I can learn from and use to help me grow. If I went back in time, I would still be the same person that I was then and would still act in the same way – so why continue to berate myself for it? It was what it was for a reason, and that reason can help me grow. I hadn’t really thought before about what unmet needs I was (or others were) trying to satisfy by acting in the way I (or they) did, and I thank you for this new perspective. Love and light to you both.
You may want to read the book It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn. It is about epigenetics (how trauma and emotional issues get passed on down through generations), and how to heal yourself. Another good read is: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Peter Walker. The information and exercises are incredibly healing.
For a large part of my life, I suffered horrendous toxic shame. No amount of bullying, physical abuse, emotional abuse, severe trauma and incessant Childhood Emotional Neglect – and all these things were truly severe – could ever match the self-inflicted pain I levied on myself. Time and time and time again. To say for nearly fifty years of my life I was a shadow of my true self would be an understatement. I punished myself worse than any punishment that was bestowed on me. Excellent psychotherapy and enormous self- introspection brought be out of the shadows and today I live a life as my true self – the person I always craved to be: kind, aware, compassionate, emotionally very attuned and using my gifts of instinct, intuition, perception, intelligence, wisdom and love to the full.
I endorse what Alethia says in this wonderful article: If you even think you suffer with toxic shame – which ranges from debilating your life to suicide ideation – stop now, and seek help immediately. It will be the greatest gift you could ever give yourself. I have been there and the other side is something that is to behold. Truly.
Thank you for this Paul ♥️ it’s an honor to hear of the pain and triumph you have experienced!
I have trouble letting go. My thoughts are if you hold on to it, it can stay as a personal permanent reminder of what you’ve done and never do it again. I’ve been aware of why I’ve done these things, what I was seeking at the time, and what void I was trying to fill. The scars remain along with the shame as a core reminder. I feel if I were to completely release and forgive myself that I may lose part of the fire that I use to fuel my Pursuit for growth. It’s like to me each scar is a piece of my armor that I wear. I don’t find myself still continuing to degrade or punish myself for the things I’ve done. I use them to empower myself, to push threw, to be better , stronger, and more understanding and accept that every thing I’ve done is a result of who I used to be. Today I am better and wiser. If any of this makes sense????
this book has an average rating of 4.34 with 2,119 ratings. that’s really high. and it’s terrible. and i’m not one of these assholes that likes to trash something that other people like. usually i try to figure out who
I left my children with their father when i became mentally unwell.. i havent been able to forgive myself since even though my children are now back in my life and have forgiven me..
I hope this article has helped you to see that you were doing the best you could at the time. In fact, anyone in a similar place would have done what you did (in my opinion). There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Take care of yourself <3
I enjoyed reading your article. Although we cannot undo the past, it may be beneficial to ask for forgiveness and attempt to make reparations to those we harmed first. Accepting responsibility and mitigating harm seems to be a prerequisite for genuine self-forgiveness – if it is possible.
Luna and Sol,
Thank you for this article, I agree that we need to take responsibility for ourselves, and that sometimes, our guilt is a result of an action we haven’t done! This was my case: self-hatred for being vocal in a situation where I could have stayed quiet and not rocked boat.
Maybe I picked the wring article because I realised very wiftly that I had done nothing on that list. I never hurt anyone. I never denied anyone’s reality. I simply chose to say something in a siyuation where I coild have said nothing at all. The pysche is amazing at making us feel intense self-loathing. After realising that there was no wrong-doing, I thought about what my greatest inspiration would tell me. He would probably tell me I shared my truth, and well-done! My feelings on the matter are subjective on my self-esteem and personal feelings about having shared what I shared.
I’ll hop on over to the self-love and insecurity articles now but thank you guys, I just wanted to say how this immediately made me realise I on’t have to forgive myself for anything. But even if I did , it is part of those growing pains.
Love and light to you both. Your work has been in my company for years now and I love & feel your unwavering fire of truth.
A lovely amount of spelling mistakes here. Thank you, iPad!
“it is part of those growing pains” – yes, well put! It’s normal to trip over ourselves, fall into self-loathing, struggle to find redemption – this is the human condition. Understanding the shared humanity of it is humbling and quite a relief. None of us are perfect! We are all stumbling our way through this life (no matter how “together” we each look). Thank you also for the kind words of support! xo
Thank You Luna and Sol Thank you to your work you do . Cheers ! Never dismiss what you have done ,and learn from it . Grounding and being in the moment helps to make a good dissension at the moment . Emotions play a big part .But we all have our own power to understand them and make the good choice for humanity and ourselves.
Thank you Mark for these words of wisdom. :)