Waking up is an endless losing what you think you know, like a wave of destruction that leaves nothing, but what is true. —Unmani
Death is a word that we humans usually associate with darkness, mourning, decay and general creepiness. We spend our entire lives running away from, avoiding and denying the fact that we will someday physically die.
However, the death that I’ll be talking about in this article isn’t the typical kind of death we fear. The death I’ll be referring to is the most beautiful, precious, illuminating, awe-inspiring, expansive, enlightening and paradigm-shattering experience you could ever go through. This experience is known as “ego death,” and for every serious spiritual seeker, it is a pivotal process to go through.
What is the Ego?
In order to understand what ego death is, we must first understand what the ego is.
As we elaborated on in the article “What is the Ego?” the ego is basically our sense of self or our identity. The ego is a biological and spiritual tool that was created by and defends the belief that, we are all separate “individual” entities.
As a result of believing that we are separate and isolated in this life, we suffer immensely. The ego perceives life through the lens of duality. Duality is the opposite of reality — it is the division of life into opposing forces such as love/hate, good/bad, right/wrong and holy/sinful.
When we divide life, we suffer. The result of the dualistic ego is judgment, hatred, condemnation, and alienation. While we accept some things, we reject other things. While we love some people, we hate other people. Instead of unconditionally accepting life in its wholeness, we segregate it into “acceptable” and “unacceptable” experiences, people, beliefs, thoughts, and emotions. Thus, we suffer.
As a result of our perceived separation from Spirit, and the duality lens we see life through, we also begin to reject ourselves. Any thought, feeling, sensation, experience or belief we have that is judged to be “bad,” “unacceptable” or “wrong” we suppress, avoid and deny. As a result of this repression, we fuel our Shadow Selves which become more twisted, angry and perverted the more we “lock” away.
The product of living through the ego can be observed in our world very clearly. The depression, anxiety, mental illness, murder, hatred, greed, poverty, war and environmental destruction we experience is all a reflection of our internal suffering. Our internal suffering is solely the product of the ego that believes it is separate from others and life itself.
What is Ego Death?
I’ve used the term “ego death” in this article because it’s the most popular phrase out there used for such an experience. But the truth is that the ego can never really “die”; instead, it can be transcended and made conscious so that it’s no longer running our lives.
So how can we define “ego death”?
Ego death is the experience of transcending the ego, self or identity. This experience is the most mind-bending, awakening, awe-inspiring, peaceful and unconditionally loving experience you could ever have. Ego death is essentially an experience of embodying your True Nature completely (or returning back to who you really are), temporarily.
However, while the experience of ego death is indescribably beautiful, it can also be indescribably horrific for those who are not aware of the spiritual path, and for those who resist the actual experience.
Those who report ego death generally fall into two groups: those who found the experience illuminating, and those who found the experience tormenting. I have experienced both states of pure ecstasy and pure horror.
If you are familiar with the psychonaut community (a collection of people who use psychedelic substances to access higher states of being), you would have heard of many “ego death” experiences. This is because shamanic plants such as ayahuasca, DMT, and psilocybin mushrooms are powerful gateways to the Divine experience. Psychedelic explorers Dennis and Terence McKenna (who referred to themselves as the “Brotherhood of the Screaming Abyss”) often mentioned the state of pure awe and also terror experienced in the face of ego death. However, as Terence McKenna once said, the abyss must be approach with courage, because only then can you discover that the fear is an illusion:
Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering its a feather bed.
Ego death can feel scary because it is the ultimate threat to the ego: complete loss of “self,” if only for a minute. As a defense mechanism, the ego creates intense fear. However, in order to progress on our spiritual paths, we must understand the role of this fear, be mindful of it, and not permit it to limit us.
7 Stages of Ego Death
Ego death happens in stages, and if courageously pursued, results in the experience of Nirvana, Oneness or Enlightenment.
While ego death is not formulaic or necessarily predictable, it does tend to follow a pattern:
Stage 1 — Spiritual Awakening
In the first stage of ego death, we begin to “wake up” to life. Our process of spiritual awakening might be triggered by a life crisis, a tragedy, a chronic illness, or simply the natural process of soulful maturing. When we experience a spiritual awakening, we begin to search for more depth in life. Often, we ask big questions such as “what is my purpose?” “what is the meaning of life?” and “what happens after death?” Spiritual awakenings are triggered by the sensation that something profound is missing in life, and are accompanied by the feelings of depression and anxiety. You can learn more about the spiritual awakening process in our book.
Stage 2 — The Dark Night of the Soul
The Dark Night of the Soul is inseparable from the spiritual awakening process. When we experience the Dark Night, we become extremely conscious of our separation from ourselves, other people and the Divine. The Dark Night of the Soul is a period when we feel utterly lost, lonely and isolated from others. It is the accumulation or culmination of our suffering. Deep down, we know something has to drastically change in our life, but we don’t know what or where to look. Read more about the Dark Night of the Soul.
Stage 3 — The Spiritual Seeker
Eventually, after experiencing a spiritual awakening and Dark Night of the Soul, we stumble into the field of spirituality. We start experimenting with different spiritual practices and find that some alleviate our suffering. We become obsessed with reducing the suffering we have been carrying and explore many different fields such as energy healing, zen, yoga, astrology, mysticism, etc.
Stage 4 — Satori
The word “Satori” is a Zen Buddhist word that means “momentary enlightenment.” Satori is a small glimpse into your True Nature, or Consciousness itself; a moment when your ego is completely shed. For some, this experience is scary, and spiritual growth stagnates, for others, it is deeply life-changing and spiritual growth continues.
Stage 5 — The Elder Soul
After a certain period of time, we begin to develop spiritual discernment. We discover the gimmicks and spiritual bypassing practices that keep us trapped in the cycle of pain, fear, and separation, and learn practices that open us to the Divine. As we begin to experience more and more soulful maturity, we learn the virtues of self-discipline, patience, and focus.
Stage 6 — Dissolution and Deconstruction
In this stage, we begin to surrender all that we are not. This stage is not just about identifying our destructive and limiting beliefs and behavior patterns, but actually letting them go and letting the light in. Grace, discipline, trust, courage, non-attachment and love all play an important role in this process.
Stage 7 — The End of the Search
Finally, we come to a stop. We realize that all that we are, and all that we need, can be found right Now. The search to become something, to lose something, to find something and to accomplish something perish. We see through the illusion of looking for truth, joy, peace and love in any place outside of ourselves. We see the Truth That We Are mirrored in all beings and all things. While the ego still exists, we become aware of the ego as simply a tool; not the Truth of Who We Are. Transcending duality and the grip of the ego, we develop unconditional love and acceptance for all things. This is the state of ultimate peace, freedom and what people refer to as “enlightenment,” yet those who experience this know that no possible label or mental construct can encapsulate such an experience.
Ego death is a serious, purging, profound, and shattering experience. It is so deep and so beyond anything we have experienced in this life, that it changes your perception of existence in a single moment.
I hope these “stages” have helped you to understand it better.
Finally, I’ll leave you with a beautiful quote to ponder about death itself:
Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to die before you die — and find that there is no death. — Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now)
Ruminate on this process, and let me know what you think.
I have a question.
When the Ego gets reformed, is it normal to experince great grief, confusion and dissary? Like the destruction and shedding of what I am not, it is not so.. pleasant.
Hello Fellow Particle,
As you already know, I was with you in the beginning and will love to the ‘end’
I would like to reply to the post in the Facebook portion of the comments by “Domi Dobrikova”, unfortunately, I do not have a Facebook account, so I cannot comment in that section.
The blogger you were speaking of, in my humble opinion, may have had an experience, which in the context of the psychedelic experience, is akin to a “bad trip”. This is the person’s self, standing on the precipice of one of the most powerful realizations that can occur, which is that the ego only exist’s as an illusion, that the ego is purely nothing trying to convince itself it is something. What sometimes can happen, is that the ego perceives it’s “existence” as being threatened, so in order to anchor the person’s conciousness into the ego reality, it basically manufactures and brings to life the individual’s personal fears and plays them out as “reality”.
I obviously can’t say that this is what happened, but only that it is a possibility.
By the way, this was a wonderful article!
Do you believe its possible to experience this sort of awakening working on a 9-5 job? I also noticed how it was written that the ego is what gives rise to duality rather then the singularity which existed primordially. In the gospel of Thomas, Jesus states that when you stop seeing as two and everything as one, then the kingdom will come upon you (enlightenment).
Hello,
I have so e joyed every word I have read here. So grateful to have discovered Lonerwolf. Truly a gift to all of us who have been brought to this crossroad.
How do you get to the point of “ the death of our ego”. I know it what keeps me in bondage. I have been trying to break free and have the peace I do desire. I have been going thru my “ deconstruction “ for quite awhile now , I have experienced the dark night of the soul, the complete shattering/ but I can still feel the resistance. I just want to be free!!
Any insight would be tremendously appreciated and helpful.
Thank you for what you do!!
Psychedelics is the best way to achieve an Ego Death – although it is not guaranteed. You need to set forth an intention before you delve into a psychedelic substance. Of course, I would never promote anybody to do this, and would recommend having a trip sitter. The truth is, when you’re going through this, your ego will put out all the stops to keep you grounded in reality, but soon, the fabric and understanding of your existence begins to shatter. All you can do then is to stop fighting the feeling and let your ego die, before being renewed. It may be scary, mine was absolutely terrifying in the beginning, and I thought I’d lost my mind.
This is absolutely worth pursuing if you’re a spiritual seeker. I never intended, or knew much about an Ego Death until it was actually happening to me and I saw in my mind a small boy trying to resist and fight, which I figure was the idea of my ego in the shape of a young me. When I come out of this experience my ego finally decided to let go, I was struck with the feeling of nirvana and oneness with everything. I also felt the presence of something special: God, Creator, Universe, whatever you’d like to think of the higher source as.
Honestly, trying to read this, I’m so confused. Have I had this happen to me when I was young or was it always like this?
What’s this ego “death”, when finding things spiritually is finding bits and pieces of who I am? The things I’ve lost..
People say that ego death is like… Not caring anymore about stupid things like popularity and pleasures. But did I ever care about something like that in the first place? I don’t ever remember doing that.
So… I’m just so confused, I’ve been confused for a while trying to read about this.
Like… I’m not like… Killing any part of myself off, I feel like I’m doing the opposite. Like there’s pieces locked away… And I’m freeing those pieces.
The deeper I go into spirituality and learning, the more I find ways to free myself.
So I’m just so confused, what others mean by… Death of this… No, I’m learning.. it’s.. death would be meaningless at this point, I’d have to start over.
All the fancy terms like spiritual and enlightenment cloak the real fact that our so called control of life (planning, dreaming, hoping) are just imaginative schemes run by a brain programmed for hope. Media feel good stories, Hollywood movies, religious literature, and all spiritual movements reinforce these schemes by highlighting the one incidence of an event (such as a person who at the right moment won the lottery or someone parted the sea at the nick of time) and makes peoples BELIEVE that all this is actually likely for YOU. We all, you, me, I, buy into it and then go about suffering when it doesn’t happen. Reality: It can’t happen. It could, if you try a 100 times, once, perhaps by chance, but doesn’t mean anything more than that. Once you are at the mercy of circumstance–that beggar on the street, that person in the UK without the right education, that person in the US who is incarcerated for no fault simply because of the system–you realize the dishonesty of the world and the powerlessness of your being.
I believe this is EGO death brought about by life’s circumstance. It is waking up–not some sexy awakening–and it is not profound. It is dry, desolate, and honest. You realize at that point that everyone else is truly living a dream–basically, everyone has brought into everything that doesn’t work.
Other than that, people approaching so called ego death with drugs–that isn’t ego death. That is simply brain disassociation, where you make train or trick the brain into stopping serial processing; so you make it parallel process. It is temporary– which is why it always wears off–and it is harmful–otherwise we wouldn’t have evolved a serial processing brain. Proof comes from how even great mystics who have ego death that is permanent have either had an accident (including those taking drugs) or have undergone intense meditation (Ramana Mahrishi, Buddha all did this for years) or some form of intense agony (Ekhart Tolle, Abrahm all were depressed and suicidal). The latter need to continue meditation all the time, otherwise they loose it. And all of them, regardless of how they achieve it, are functionally useless. So people like Ramana Maharishi were basically ascetics, while people like Ekhart Tolle was lucky to be discovered. He surely isn’t the person who want in an office or a foxhole or even as a husband. He is best pontificating from a distance.
Basically anyone who has experienced abject hopelessness for a prolonged period of time, one who is at a vagaries of other people’s decisions and other powers, and one who is completely unable to control or manifest anything–they have ego death. Think of the person committed to an asylum or the wrongly convicted person on death row–they, without drugs, have nothing other than ego death. I am one of those people. It is neither profound nor illuminating. It is just abject, the nadir of existence, and the bowels of the void. Here on you have no hope–because hope is the ego’s hold to a future it imagines; you have no faith–because faith is a belief that someone is looking out for you (the ego); and from here you have no will–because that is a belief that you can do something about any of it or that it even matters. Until the 20th century, people all over the world were often conquered by marauding forces, life was uncertain, and death was everywhere. Hence, ego did not matter. Now all of us see others living and believe, have faith, and form delusions of hope that things should work in a certain way. It need not. When you get to that realization, you aren’t awakened. You are rational and honest.
Hi Aletheia Luna,
Great write up on 7 stages, I resonate with it based on my own experience, and would like to get some advise from you, as I think you have really walked the path.
At stage 3, I ended up taking up Vipassana. And there, I had pretty scary experience on 7th day and stopped the process right there, and waited for 10 days to complete the process formally. I started searching for what I experienced was due to wrong practice or expected result of such practices, I was confused. I also heard some experts saying such spiritual practices are dangerous and some people suffer for the rest of their life due to these practices, and some end up in mental hospitals. Somehow, deep inside, I now feel, it is not the case, and perhaps my ego is so strong , I resisted it, and not allowed it to pass through.
My search continues, as I am stuck and stopped all practices for at least one year, but have deep urge to continue my spiritual journey . I also feel all practices are really not useful at the same time.
Thank you,
Aravind
You know, I’m still a teenager, and this is a lot for me to take in. I’ve only JUST scratched at the matrix of the false reality I was living in–about 2 years ago. It really just feels like yesterday. Ever since, I’ve been relentlessly searching for more and more to learn, and I can’t say for sure how far I will go, but I’m going to try, and I’ve learned a lot. It’s kind of intimidating to realize I haven’t seen anything yet, knowing that enlightenment can’t even be described, or knowing that it’s already in the “now”. I’m going to dive into my doubts and fears, because I already know at this point that most of them (all of them?) aren’t real. I realised that I will never truly be at peace unless I try to do this, or it will follow me for as long as I allow it, even after I’m dead–In whatever astral world I end up in or whatever I attract–if I deny this opportunity. I’ll end up chasing circles, because everything I push away seems to come back one way or another. At some point I thought I knew everything I “needed” to know, but then I realized I know nothing.
I find comfort in listening to thunderstorm sounds to silence my mind. It’s my way of “meditation” for now. I always thought they were awesome and they seem to resonate with my Soul in some way, I guess. I don’t know why.
This is a big step for me. I don’t know what it means yet, really, but I want to thank you, Luna and Sol, for taking time to put energy into your work, in your effort to help people. There is a lot for me to discover and LonerWolf is helping me out a lot.
Do you have to do drugs to have an ego death?????
Of course not, why would you think that? Mystics and Saints have achieved natural states of ego death for thousands of years.
U won’t die but don’t drink booze am still bad withing muscles and weight gain rhinitis near out painful 7 half years stuck inside over 2 years omg the symptoms are brutal hard work.
Great article! When I was 16 I was in an accident with my Mom & sister. A drunk driver hit us head on and my Mother was killed next to me. I was aware of the whole time the whole experience was hardwired into my brain. I didn’t see a therapist or anything just kind of went back to school and continued life. This was in 1999.
Since then though I had been struggling with normalcy for many years until I started studying the Ego issue after a friend of mine asked me ,” Are you a subject or an object?” I then in my 20’s started the journey to first understand the Ego and its machinations. Strangely, most spiritual lifestyles including some religions whole focus is managing the Ego. ( Google the phrase “Die, before you die.” )
When you I started my war against my perceived self it clung very heavily to the accident. Its as though it wanted to use that as the pivot of my whole life. Even though I believe my birth, life and death are all one instance. I was referencing myself by before The Accident and after The Accident. I found that conventional therapy and most other people were just attempting to reinforce the Ego to keep you “normal”. I found that once you break through you will seem very strange to others. You wont value what is conventionally valued. Or identify by what is conventionally used for self identification. The scariest thing is when you find out its the Ego that morphs to suit your idea that because you “beat” it that your are somehow different or special. ( Watch movie “Revolver”) It will try every available option to stay relevant.
Its a working progress and I’m doing much better every day. Thanks for this article its was very insightful.
Thank you very much for this information Aletheia, I can relate to it; you know, in the early years I started on this path, I had this conception that there was a single awakening, one and only, and that it was the finish line, the main purpose. Then, I found myself in an illusionary spirituality, rejecting all that I was perceiving as “not spiritual”, i.e, still experiencing duality. So, as I advanced, I experienced and realized that there are several awakenings, you become more and more aware of yourself and your interconnection with everything… these awakenings are those stages that you mentioned, I can see it now, and it makes so much sense since the ego works with an unconscious information and precisely the “awake” is to make conscious that info, letting it go, so the authentic can be perceived.
All this reminds me of the process of the character Arya Stark on Game of Thrones, have you seen this t.v serie?
Thanks again, apapachoa :)
I don’t honestly know if this has anything to do with the article but I have found that I recently stopped “believing” in anything. I am still very spiritual in my own way and have had a wonderful spiritual awakening journey, but I used to really hang on to my beliefs in certain things (parapsychology, what happens in the afterlife) I realized one day that this was just my ego pointing the way for me, but I am now kind of just floating along, loving nature and animals and not worrying about reincarnation or if there are such a thing as ghosts or not. I really hope that makes sense because it is hard to describe.
Also, I find it quite amazing that this article was in my email because I was just going to ask a question to you the other day, but I wasn’t sure if it was a taboo subject, and here you are talking about it in this article. I am a medical marijuana patient and I have extreme insight and life changing epiphanies when I take my medications, I was just wondering if this is a common thing? I don’t get all giggly and goofy (I guess because I’m that way naturally!) but I get very insightful and can see the good and bad about myself, I find the use of medical marijuana to be very helpful in my spiritual journey. (I beg anyone who reads this, DO NOT try this if marijuana use is illegal where you live, I am not condoning use, I am just commenting and questioning my experience).
Lastly, I think I may be a little backward when it comes to my relationship with other humans. When I was in school (Kindergarten to 12th grade), I was that kid that never had friends, the one who was laughed at and made fun of, the one who spent their lunch breaks in the school library because it was the only place I felt safe. I am now a senior citizen, but this experience has cemented my life. I am unable to trust other people and although I don’t hate people, I surely do not accept everyone with open arms. I am always friendly to others, especially those who I feel have a hard time in life, but I spend most of my time with my husband and my animals and I do not long for other human relationships. I surely don’t have a problem with this life I chose, but it seems my therapist and my son want me to “get out there” and “find my tribe”. I think my tribe is my hubby and my kitties. Maybe further along in my journey I will change, but for now this just feels right to me. I question though, is it my ego that keeps me from more human relationships? I just don’t know.
Sounds as though you’re ceasing to believe the stories in your head, which is a powerful experience. Most of our lives are driven by stories, theories, beliefs, etc. but at the end of the day, they are merely thoughts. They can be proven and disproven thousands of times over. They cause us to miss out on life. So this is a positive thing. You’re immersing yourself into the boundless flow of life again.
It’s normal to gain big insights from marijuana use. :)
As for your family, it seems they believe they know what’s best for you, and this creates a split within you. One part of you is happy while the other part thinks that you might have to listen to them. Listen to what you truly want, rather than what you “think” you should want. If you feel it is right for you, then listen to your wisdom. I am also a quiet person who likes small company. ;)
It would be nice to meet someone who had a gentle death of their ego. I personally have never heard of such a thing, or met a person who had this experience. There is an inherent suffering and grief that comes with losing anything — be that your ego, a pet, your friend, or a loved one. Loss is painful, and so is ego death.
Instances of ego death are usually painful because they are slow processes. As you say, any form of loss is painful to the ego. However, sometimes such an experience is extremely quick and spontaneous, such as the satori experiences of temporary enlightenment. I’ve met people who have experienced both, but in the end, all of this is just conceptualizing. Such an experience really has no name. :P
The blog posts on Loner Wolf are often written in an authoritative tone, so I felt compelled to offer a different view and question the stages spelled out here. If the writing is purely conceptual, it may be worth adding a disclaimer, or ending your posts with “what was your ego death experience like?” so that people can reflect on their experience and find their own truth.
I wish my ego death was gentle and quick, but it was quite the opposite — drawn out, painful, anxiety-provoking. And to say that my ego is “dead” is far from the truth — it’s a cat with nine lives. Striving for a healthy ego is probably the best I will be able to accomplish in this lifetime.
I had a ego death last year i.e 2016. Its a very blissful experience nothing
horrific. Ego death doesn’t mean we will lose the ego. It still exists within
but my actions doesn’t arise from ego. The strive for survival dies. The past conditioning has no effect on my actions. Actions arise from creativity, to put it in little complicated words tapping infinite intelligence. Still I have ego but I can switch it on and off. Now I have infinite possibilities every moments to choose from not just one way to respond like in the past. Its a simple and blissful experience nothing horrific or mysterious.
Sometimes, the stages don’t feel so clear cut. perhaps people can exhibit qualities of several stages at a time.
Really, there are no stages. I just verbalized and conceptualized them to help aid understanding. People can definitely exist in multiple stages at once. :)
So the concept of ego-death is really interesting to me, because every time I read about it, it’s presented as this super mystical, awe-inspiring, transcendental experience. Like huge, huge powerful transforming stuff! Now, I’m curious for the people like me, the Pisceans, the dreamers, the people who have spent a large portion of their lives in an ego-less state. It’s recently that I’ve started cultivating, appreciating and putting light on my ego for the first time (falling in love with myself type of thing). I feel like ego-death, ego-lessness, limitless-ness, free-spiritedness— is simply in my nature. I’ve taken psychedelics and “forgotten” my ego. It didn’t feel like some super, transcendental, magical moment. I just laughed because it’s not only fun, it feels ordinary by now.
I’m very curious to hear your take on this. Maybe what I’m describing is actually egotistical but I’m unaware of it? Or maybe I need to take a more potent psychedelic like DMT to really feel this experience?
Tasha, try asking the question, “Who is it that is existing in an ego-less state?” There is a reason why “enlightened” people don’t claim to be enlightened, it’s because there’s nobody there to be enlightened! There’s no sense of “me/my/mine/I/I’m.” The fact that you identify as a Piscean is an indication that you still have an ego as well phrases such as “people like me,” “in my nature” etc. Likely you haven’t become conscious of it. That is why practices such as meditation + mindfulness are so powerful, they wake you up. Psychedelics can help awaken this state (having guidance helps), but they are not the answer. Hope that helps. :)
Thanks Aletheia for your wisdom! I think I need to meditate more about it and think less, because the thinking is making me run around in circles. There’s so much that the mind can comprehend :)
The mind is an endless labyrinth. Much better to ground yourself in the simplicity of whatever arises right now. :)
Hi I can concur with these stages currently I am experiencing a stage where once Spirituality and all the seeking was very exciting and felt alive now feels dead to me. I was a hardcore Spiritual seeker for many years now Ive realized that all the seeking, books, videos, reading, speakers, etc. are just entertainment for the mind. It no longer vibrates at the same excitement anymore. I dont know if this is part of the maturation process but this is the phase of the journey that I am experiencing and sometimes I wish I could feel that same aliveness again. Any thoughts or advice to get out of this funk that I feel like I’m in? Thank You :)
Hey Rey. This is very real. What you mention here is actually what I have been experiencing for a while now. The end of the seeking comes from the deeper realization that nothing and no one out there can “give” you what you’re looking for. All the books, lectures, concepts, practices, trends, “secrets,” ALL of it, is designed to keep perpetuating the search which never ends. All of these spiritual practices and paths keep you locked in the false belief that there is something “wrong” with you that must be “fixed.” These spiritual practices are not “bad” because they help awaken people to the need to “find” more meaning and direction, but they are ultimately distractions. There is literally no end to the amount of things you can find “wrong” with yourself. There is no end to the amount of spiritual “bettering” and fine-tuning. The spiritual path is a form of addiction which many people fail to realize or admit to themselves. It’s just as addictive as materialism, and in fact, it IS a form of materialism. No amount of chakra balancing, or past life regression, or healing childhood wounds, or crystals, can bring you what you want. There will always be “more.” You have arrived to an extremely important point in your life: the end of the search. To experience freedom you must have brutal and radical honesty. Like Kali, you must chop the heads off these limiting beliefs and concepts you’re carrying and thirst for the truth like nothing else. That is the only way you will experience true “enlightenment.” Wanting to re-experience that excitement is not the answer either. What’s the point? It will only end in more suffering.
I recommend you research the teacher Unmani Hyde (she has a youtube channel). Although listening to her is another form of seeking and reaffirms the belief that there’s something wrong with you, it’s well worth it. She has a very clear message that speaks about all of this.
Hi and thanks for taking the time to respond back I am truly grateful for your thoughts and it gives me a renewed sense of hope again. I can relate to everything you reaffirmed and can see that you speak from the same place of understanding. I know who Unmani is and listened to her videos before. I will listen to her again she has a very simple and ordinary message that will hopefully light a spark within me. Thank you.
It’s a pleasure to help in whatever way I can. I hope that spark turns into an all-consuming fire. :)
Clear and simple, well understood, thank you.