We all generally prefer to see ourselves as smart, generous, kind, patient, and forgiving people most of the time.
But the truth is that we aren’t. Life isn’t ideal. We aren’t perfect. We simply cannot be nice and ‘good’ 100% of the time. If we’re honest with ourselves, we actually have some pretty scary and embarrassing flaws that we prefer to avoid at all costs.
But the reality is that we don’t like facing our shadows. We tend to avoid or react to anything or anyone who tries to point out our failures and weaknesses. While this is understandable, we need to realize that our dark side holds the keys to authentic happiness, self-acceptance, and inner freedom. To quote author Ryan Holiday, “the obstacle is the way” – and this article works on that philosophical premise.
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One of the biggest obstacles out there on our paths to wholeness is judgmentalism. Why is it an obstacle? When we are unaware of our judgmental tendencies, we become angry, hateful, defensive, anxious, and isolated. As you can imagine, such a trait not only alienates us from others, but also from our very own souls.
Now, I’m not proposing that judgmentalism is an infestation of the personality that must be exterminated. Instead, it is something we need to understand, even embrace, and work to counteract. (So don’t expect this article to be one of those typical “how to get rid of …” columns, which in my opinion, create more harm than good. Sound judgmental of me? I know! But that’s OK. ;))
Table of contents
What is “Being Judgmental”?
Being a judgemental person essentially means thinking, speaking, or behaving in a manner that reflects a critical and condemnatory point of view. When we are judgmental we are critically nitpicking and finding fault with another person, group of people, idea, or situation. In a nutshell, we are seeing through the filter of our black/white beliefs, condemning something or someone as “bad,” “stupid,” “unworthy,” etc. Judgmentalism also extends to ourselves, leading to problems such as low self-worth, depression, and anxiety.
Being judgmental isn’t all bad. When our inner Judge is balanced, we are able to make clear decisions and avoid potentially dangerous situations. Being critical also helps us to be creative, innovative, and insightful about other people’s problems (think of the therapist who must judge his or her patient to help them).
But there is a big difference between making judgments and being judgemental. Making judgments comes from a balanced and neutral mind. On the other hand, judgmentalism comes from an imbalanced and reactive mind that is seeking to protect itself from being hurt by others. We could, therefore, say that judgmentalism is actually a defense mechanism.
Judgmentalism as a Defense Mechanism
What is a defense mechanism? A defense mechanism is a type of conscious or unconscious technique that is used to protect the ego. The ego is our false self, the “I” that we identify with (read more about the ego). The purpose of the ego is to keep us feeling isolated and separate from others as a survival instinct, and that often happens through various defense mechanisms.
Judgmentalism as a defense mechanism benefits us in a number of ways by:
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- Making us feel superior (self-righteous), therefore giving us (false) self-worth
- Avoiding our own faults by pointing them out in others
- “Protecting” us from being hurt by others
You might look at the list above and think “I would never do that!” But the reality is that such behaviors are rooted in the unconscious mind. In other words, we are completely unaware that such drives are at the core of our judgmental tendencies; they are lurking beneath the surface.
13 Signs You’re a Judgmental Person
Here are some signs to look out for:
1. You believe that everyone is out to get you.
2. You expect other people to be consistent all the time.
3. You struggle to see beyond a person’s flaws.
4. You easily skip to conclusions.
5. You struggle to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty.
6. You’re intolerant of people unlike you.
7. You’re generally pessimistic about life.
8. You tend to believe people are either ‘good’ or ‘bad.’
9. You struggle to truly appreciate or see the beauty in others.
10. You have low self-worth.
11. You feel anxious around other people.
12. You’re suspicious and untrusting.
13. You have a strong inner critic who judges you.
Be honest. How many of these signs can you relate to? Also, did you receive any strong or uncomfortable feelings while reading through this list (e.g. anger, defensiveness, shock, fear)? If so, you were probably triggered, meaning that judgmentalism is likely an issue for you.
How to End the Habit of Being Judgmental
Like many people, I have struggled with judgmentalism before, and I still do at times. When you can see beyond the facades of people very quickly like I can, it is easy to slip into a judgmental outlook. Being tired, overworked, or busy makes this tendency even worse.
However, ultimately being judgmental is a self-esteem problem. By finding something to dislike or condemn about others, we are (a) protecting ourselves from being vulnerable, (b) avoiding our own faults, and (c) inflating our egos with false self-worth. All of these points relate back to our frail self-esteem.
So how do we end the habit of judgmentalism? The answer is that above all, you will need to work on your self-esteem. The more accepting you are of yourself, the more accepting you will be of others. Conversely, the more rejecting you are of yourself, the more rejecting you will be of others.
Here are some ways to counteract judgmentalism:
1. Explore your self-talk and journal about it!
Your self-talk involves all the thoughts you have about yourself in waking reality. Take some moments during the day to tune into what types of thoughts you’re having. Good opportunities to do this often happen while interacting with others, going to work, looking at yourself in the mirror, or making a mistake. You can also use your emotions to hook yourself into your inner talk. Whenever you’re feeling upset, depressed, insecure, or anxious, try to pause and focus on your inner talk. What thoughts or assumptions are behind your feelings?
Next, in a journal, record your self-talk. Do this every day, without fail! Try to find common themes or patterns that reveal your underlying core beliefs. For example, you might discover that you often think about how “stupid,” ugly, worthless, or weird you are. These beliefs will give you something to work with.
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2. Accept the ugly, weird, messy parts
Easier said than done, right? But by slowly and steadily working to accept yourself, you become less critical of others as well. Self-acceptance is about honoring and allowing space for all that it means to be human. Instead of putting yourself up to high standards, self-acceptance is about realistically looking at yourself, understanding why you are the way you are, and embracing who you are at a core level.
Some powerful places to start with self-acceptance include:
- Taking care of your body and health
- Writing your own morning affirmations
- Journaling about how you feel
- Making a list of everything you appreciate about yourself
- Getting in touch with your inner child
- Removing toxic people from your life
- Surrounding yourself with supportive people
- Reading self-help books
- Doing one self-loving thing each day
- Learning how to forgive yourself
- Exploring the nature of toxic shame
Commit to any number of these practices every day and you will begin to see the results soon.
3. Look deeper into people and situations
When we judge others, we tend to do so quickly as a result of our beliefs and misconceptions. But jumping to conclusions blinds us, causing us to quickly shut off and ignore the complexity of others. For example, people who are mean, cruel, shallow, untrustworthy, or unfriendly almost always act from some kind of inner pain – usually fear or sadness (more about that here). By looking beneath the facade and immediate appearance of a person, we often find very human and tragic struggles. This, in turn, helps us to show compassion.
4. Be critical about your judgmentalism
When I say “be critical” I mean think critically: look at all sides. Be willing to be wrong. Ask yourself, “Am I seeing the whole picture?” Can you ever 100% know the entire story of another? The reality is that no, you can’t. None of us can. So whenever you start to feel that wall go up between yourself and another, stop. Ask yourself, “Do I 100% know my judgment is true?” Making this into a habit will help wear down your judgmental reflexes and open your mind.
5. Ground yourself with mindfulness
When being judgmental is a habit, it causes your mind to become narrow so that you see with tunnel vision. You cease to be grounded in reality, becoming lost in the world of your judgments instead. One of my favorite practices to counteract judgmentalism is mindfulness exercises. Mindfulness is about paying attention to the present moment. When you start to feel the walls of judgmentalism go up, try noticing your surroundings instead. Feel the breeze on your skin, notice the colors and sounds around you – take everything in. By redirecting your focus to the present moment, you cut the cycle of judgmental thoughts.
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Finally, be careful of judging your judgmentalism! It can be easy to start thinking that you’re a horrible person for having this personality trait. But please realize that many people struggle with this issue. You are not alone. So sit with it, think about it, and work on accepting yourself, EVEN (and most importantly) your judgmental tendencies. ;)
What is your experience with this topic? Please share below!
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Remove toxic people from your life… isn’t labeling someone as toxic judgmental? That seems like the black and white thinking and highly critical way of looking at others that’s being discouraged here. ?
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Mateo Sol is a prominent psychospiritual teacher. That means he’s full of shit. After all, he thinks numbers have magic power (why else mention Sol and Luna met on 11.11.11?). He also mentions Myers Briggs personality types (this has been THOROUGHLY debunked), Astrology (he says he’s a Leo, and astrology is one of the worst examples of irrational pseudoscientific nonsense going), ‘moon signs’ (WTF?), ‘elemental signs’ (more WTF?), and spirit animal readings (completely ****ing crazy).
That’s not to say that even deluded or crazy people don’t sometimes say truthful or logical things, but the problem is that all these ridiculous notions about astrology and ‘spirit animal readings’ are infectious. If you buy into these things, then you have lost your mind. You have started down the pasth of delusion, irrationality and ignorance. Don’t do it.
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Thank you!! This article is very helpful!! I think I’m judgmental especially because my inner critic is very strong from a very young age to remind myself that I’m not perfect and protect myself. sometimes it does help me see the flaws in myself when I point it out in others. But my intention is never to protect my ego or hurt the other person because I trained myself from a very young age to crush my ego in relationships and take any hurts to be stronger yet vulnerable. But sometimes especially when I’m close to someone and I care for them, I see through them, their words, actions and stories and can see the pain and fears, and I want to help them by giving advice, especially when they ask for it, I give them deep advice to help them understand the root of their problem… but I don’t call them stupid, unworthy etc.. Because I know they’re not, It’s just a moment in life and they can make different choices. But people are not confortable with that, my honesty, my willingness to know deeper… And take it as a critic or judgment. But for me It’s a solution,… Read more »
I’m here because my brother and I were arguing and he said I was too judgemental with other people and their buisiness. He said this because a really good friend of mine (who had drug problems in the past) did coke and when I found out I basically told her I’m not gonna be friends with her if she’s doing that. I asked her to explain herself just in case I was in the wrong.. He says what she does is her buisiness, and I agree, but if I don’t like that a good friend of mine did coke and I cut her out of my life because I don’t tolerate drugs like that, am I being too judgemental? I don’t want anyone that I’m gonna be choosing to be around to be doing things like that. Is that a bad reason to end the friendship?
My sister bought me up after parents died, mum at age 13 and dad 15. Sadly she is very judgmental critical and gives unwanted advice, she seems to seek out my imperfections. Ive sadly decided to have limited contact as I do not have high self esteem as it is. Ive done many nice things for her but her judgement s are harsh on my individual choices, as well.as my own thoughts and feelings, that are different than hers. Ive had enough. Shes 75 im 59. So this never goes away. Its sad but I cant take it anymore. My gratitude is still there for her sacrifice but that doesnt mean I have to feel im always wrongr in her presense. Perhaps if I were stronger. But ive accepted that im a different: perhaps more gentle empathic and sensitive person. I just cant do the same back.
This article is helpful and conformation that I’ve learned that being judgmental and judgment are different. I had never heard or read it in the way you worded it here. Being a judgmental person for many years I’ve always tried to see other’s situation with compassion and understanding. I’m actually proud of myself for realizing that my judgmental thoughts of others were because of how I perceived myself. A main reason for my own harsh judgments is how I was treated as a child by certain family members and how I watched them constantly belittle others. I never liked how it felt being spoken down to or hearing bad judgment about others by my family. I believed that I was a “bad” person because I was related to them. As I’ve grown into my own and had my own family I taught myself and raised my children that as adults if we do not agree with the ways of our family members (my self included) then we have a choice to either continue the cycle or break from it.
I’m grateful that you have written this article.
First of all, wouldn’t getting a toxic person out of your life be called being judgmental? I have known women who keep making excuses for their abusive husband and why they shouldn’t leave him ( ‘oh, he is just working so hard, his family is hard on him’, etc)
Secondly, I worked with abused kids during college and you better believe that I was judgmental. These kids had parents who didn’t even show up for their birthday, left them to fend for themselves for days, and allowed ‘friends’ to abuse them.
I am also an INFJ and have found later that my feeling about a person – that they were not to be trusted – was exactly right. I am glad that I was able to ‘judge’ this person before they harmed me further.
Sometimes you need to be able to protect yourself.
This is brilliant. I have never seen such a clear and easy-to-understand & well-rounded definition of judgmentalism. I am so happy that you wrote and shared this.
I have been tryin to understand this aspect of my personality for so-so-so-so long.
It’s not something I do willingly or calculatingly, it’s just one aspect of my personality.
I am so glad that you have such a great understand of what judgmentalism truly entails and how to curb it and put it to good use.
I believe the other (healthier) side of judgementalism, is a sharp sense of discernment (which is often the case in those who tend towards judgementalism & self-righteousness).
Thank you so much for clarifying judgementalism.
It is very helpful & enlightening.
Good job!