We all generally prefer to see ourselves as smart, generous, kind, patient, and forgiving people most of the time.
But the truth is that we aren’t. Life isn’t ideal. We aren’t perfect. We simply cannot be nice and ‘good’ 100% of the time. If we’re honest with ourselves, we actually have some pretty scary and embarrassing flaws that we prefer to avoid at all costs.
But the reality is that we don’t like facing our shadows. We tend to avoid or react to anything or anyone who tries to point out our failures and weaknesses. While this is understandable, we need to realize that our dark side holds the keys to authentic happiness, self-acceptance, and inner freedom. To quote author Ryan Holiday, “the obstacle is the way” – and this article works on that philosophical premise.
One of the biggest obstacles out there on our paths to wholeness is judgmentalism. Why is it an obstacle? When we are unaware of our judgmental tendencies, we become angry, hateful, defensive, anxious, and isolated. As you can imagine, such a trait not only alienates us from others, but also from our very own souls.
Now, I’m not proposing that judgmentalism is an infestation of the personality that must be exterminated. Instead, it is something we need to understand, even embrace, and work to counteract. (So don’t expect this article to be one of those typical “how to get rid of …” columns, which in my opinion, create more harm than good. Sound judgmental of me? I know! But that’s OK. ;))
What is “Being Judgmental”?
Being a judgemental person essentially means thinking, speaking, or behaving in a manner that reflects a critical and condemnatory point of view. When we are judgmental we are critically nitpicking and finding fault with another person, group of people, idea, or situation. In a nutshell, we are seeing through the filter of our black/white beliefs, condemning something or someone as “bad,” “stupid,” “unworthy,” etc. Judgmentalism also extends to ourselves, leading to problems such as low self-worth, depression, and anxiety.
Being judgmental isn’t all bad. When our inner Judge is balanced, we are able to make clear decisions and avoid potentially dangerous situations. Being critical also helps us to be creative, innovative, and insightful about other people’s problems (think of the therapist who must judge his or her patient to help them).
But there is a big difference between making judgments and being judgemental. Making judgments comes from a balanced and neutral mind. On the other hand, judgmentalism comes from an imbalanced and reactive mind that is seeking to protect itself from being hurt by others. We could, therefore, say that judgmentalism is actually a defense mechanism.
Judgmentalism as a Defense Mechanism
What is a defense mechanism? A defense mechanism is a type of conscious or unconscious technique that is used to protect the ego. The ego is our false self, the “I” that we identify with (read more about the ego). The purpose of the ego is to keep us feeling isolated and separate from others as a survival instinct, and that often happens through various defense mechanisms.
Judgmentalism as a defense mechanism benefits us in a number of ways by:
- Making us feel superior (self-righteous), therefore giving us (false) self-worth
- Avoiding our own faults by pointing them out in others
- “Protecting” us from being hurt by others
You might look at the list above and think “I would never do that!” But the reality is that such behaviors are rooted in the unconscious mind. In other words, we are completely unaware that such drives are at the core of our judgmental tendencies; they are lurking beneath the surface.
13 Signs You’re a Judgmental Person
Here are some signs to look out for:
1. You believe that everyone is out to get you.
2. You expect other people to be consistent all the time.
3. You struggle to see beyond a person’s flaws.
4. You easily skip to conclusions.
5. You struggle to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty.
6. You’re intolerant of people unlike you.
7. You’re generally pessimistic about life.
8. You tend to believe people are either ‘good’ or ‘bad.’
9. You struggle to truly appreciate or see the beauty in others.
10. You have low self-worth.
11. You feel anxious around other people.
12. You’re suspicious and untrusting.
13. You have a strong inner critic who judges you.
Be honest. How many of these signs can you relate to? Also, did you receive any strong or uncomfortable feelings while reading through this list (e.g. anger, defensiveness, shock, fear)? If so, you were probably triggered, meaning that judgmentalism is likely an issue for you.
How to End the Habit of Being Judgmental
Like many people, I have struggled with judgmentalism before, and I still do at times. When you can see beyond the facades of people very quickly like I can, it is easy to slip into a judgmental outlook. Being tired, overworked, or busy makes this tendency even worse.
However, ultimately being judgmental is a self-esteem problem. By finding something to dislike or condemn about others, we are (a) protecting ourselves from being vulnerable, (b) avoiding our own faults, and (c) inflating our egos with false self-worth. All of these points relate back to our frail self-esteem.
So how do we end the habit of judgmentalism? The answer is that above all, you will need to work on your self-esteem. The more accepting you are of yourself, the more accepting you will be of others. Conversely, the more rejecting you are of yourself, the more rejecting you will be of others.
Here are some ways to counteract judgmentalism:
1. Explore your self-talk and journal about it!
Your self-talk involves all the thoughts you have about yourself in waking reality. Take some moments during the day to tune into what types of thoughts you’re having. Good opportunities to do this often happen while interacting with others, going to work, looking at yourself in the mirror, or making a mistake. You can also use your emotions to hook yourself into your inner talk. Whenever you’re feeling upset, depressed, insecure, or anxious, try to pause and focus on your inner talk. What thoughts or assumptions are behind your feelings?
Next, in a journal, record your self-talk. Do this every day, without fail! Try to find common themes or patterns that reveal your underlying core beliefs. For example, you might discover that you often think about how “stupid,” ugly, worthless, or weird you are. These beliefs will give you something to work with.
2. Accept the ugly, weird, messy parts
Easier said than done, right? But by slowly and steadily working to accept yourself, you become less critical of others as well. Self-acceptance is about honoring and allowing space for all that it means to be human. Instead of putting yourself up to high standards, self-acceptance is about realistically looking at yourself, understanding why you are the way you are, and embracing who you are at a core level.
Some powerful places to start with self-acceptance include:
- Taking care of your body and health
- Writing your own affirmations
- Journaling about how you feel
- Making a list of everything you appreciate about yourself
- Getting in touch with your inner child
- Removing toxic people from your life
- Surrounding yourself with supportive people
- Reading self-help books
- Doing one self-loving thing each day
- Learning how to forgive yourself
- Exploring the nature of toxic shame
Commit to any number of these practices every day and you will begin to see the results soon.
3. Look deeper into people and situations
When we judge others, we tend to do so quickly as a result of our beliefs and misconceptions. But jumping to conclusions blinds us, causing us to quickly shut off and ignore the complexity of others. For example, people who are mean, cruel, shallow, untrustworthy, or unfriendly almost always act from some kind of inner pain – usually fear or sadness (more about that here). By looking beneath the facade and immediate appearance of a person, we often find very human and tragic struggles. This, in turn, helps us to show compassion.
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4. Be critical about your judgmentalism
When I say “be critical” I mean think critically: look at all sides. Be willing to be wrong. Ask yourself, “Am I seeing the whole picture?” Can you ever 100% know the entire story of another? The reality is that no, you can’t. None of us can. So whenever you start to feel that wall go up between yourself and another, stop. Ask yourself, “Do I 100% know my judgment is true?” Making this into a habit will help wear down your judgmental reflexes and open your mind.
5. Ground yourself with mindfulness
When being judgmental is a habit, it causes your mind to become narrow so that you see with tunnel vision. You cease to be grounded in reality, becoming lost in the world of your judgments instead. One of my favorite practices to counteract judgmentalism is mindfulness. Mindfulness is about paying attention to the present moment. When you start to feel the walls of judgmentalism go up, try noticing your surroundings instead. Feel the breeze on your skin, notice the colors and sounds around you – take everything in. By redirecting your focus to the present moment, you cut the cycle of judgmental thoughts.
***
Finally, be careful of judging your judgmentalism! It can be easy to start thinking that you’re a horrible person for having this personality trait. But please realize that many people struggle with this issue. You are not alone. So sit with it, think about it, and work on accepting yourself, EVEN (and most importantly) your judgmental tendencies. ;)
What is your experience with this topic? Please share below!
I’m here because my brother and I were arguing and he said I was too judgemental with other people and their buisiness. He said this because a really good friend of mine (who had drug problems in the past) did coke and when I found out I basically told her I’m not gonna be friends with her if she’s doing that. I asked her to explain herself just in case I was in the wrong.. He says what she does is her buisiness, and I agree, but if I don’t like that a good friend of mine did coke and I cut her out of my life because I don’t tolerate drugs like that, am I being too judgemental? I don’t want anyone that I’m gonna be choosing to be around to be doing things like that. Is that a bad reason to end the friendship?
My sister bought me up after parents died, mum at age 13 and dad 15. Sadly she is very judgmental critical and gives unwanted advice, she seems to seek out my imperfections. Ive sadly decided to have limited contact as I do not have high self esteem as it is. Ive done many nice things for her but her judgement s are harsh on my individual choices, as well.as my own thoughts and feelings, that are different than hers. Ive had enough. Shes 75 im 59. So this never goes away. Its sad but I cant take it anymore. My gratitude is still there for her sacrifice but that doesnt mean I have to feel im always wrongr in her presense. Perhaps if I were stronger. But ive accepted that im a different: perhaps more gentle empathic and sensitive person. I just cant do the same back.
Dear Christine,
You seem to me as a very thoughtful person.
Whenever your sister judges, or criticizes you just remember that she is stating what she sees, being judgemental just as you said and it need not be correct and most of all it does not define who you are. See and recieve her thoughts (as thoughts they are) as you recieve compliments.
Remember you need not associate your (inner) self with what she says. Be aware and mindfull of what and why she is being like that.
Also try to bring out the compaasionate person, which you are, exactly while she is criticizing you.
I am sure that such a thoughtful person as you would’ve thought these and tried them out already. But i am still saying these just to remind you of the strength and characteristics you have and might have overlooked in the sway of the momentary yet stormy emotions.
This article is helpful and conformation that I’ve learned that being judgmental and judgment are different. I had never heard or read it in the way you worded it here. Being a judgmental person for many years I’ve always tried to see other’s situation with compassion and understanding. I’m actually proud of myself for realizing that my judgmental thoughts of others were because of how I perceived myself. A main reason for my own harsh judgments is how I was treated as a child by certain family members and how I watched them constantly belittle others. I never liked how it felt being spoken down to or hearing bad judgment about others by my family. I believed that I was a “bad” person because I was related to them. As I’ve grown into my own and had my own family I taught myself and raised my children that as adults if we do not agree with the ways of our family members (my self included) then we have a choice to either continue the cycle or break from it.
I’m grateful that you have written this article.
First of all, wouldn’t getting a toxic person out of your life be called being judgmental? I have known women who keep making excuses for their abusive husband and why they shouldn’t leave him ( ‘oh, he is just working so hard, his family is hard on him’, etc)
Secondly, I worked with abused kids during college and you better believe that I was judgmental. These kids had parents who didn’t even show up for their birthday, left them to fend for themselves for days, and allowed ‘friends’ to abuse them.
I am also an INFJ and have found later that my feeling about a person – that they were not to be trusted – was exactly right. I am glad that I was able to ‘judge’ this person before they harmed me further.
Sometimes you need to be able to protect yourself.
You are a real Sherlock Holmes when it comes to sizing up a person based on your feelings.
You are right. Being Judgemental does help and hence every human has such quality.
Do not forget that the author here is trying to shine light on the ill effects of being over judgemental and being judgemental beyond one’s concious control.
Fire under control one of the greatest tool but it still can cause accidents even due to negligence. Right?
This is brilliant. I have never seen such a clear and easy-to-understand & well-rounded definition of judgmentalism. I am so happy that you wrote and shared this.
I have been tryin to understand this aspect of my personality for so-so-so-so long.
It’s not something I do willingly or calculatingly, it’s just one aspect of my personality.
I am so glad that you have such a great understand of what judgmentalism truly entails and how to curb it and put it to good use.
I believe the other (healthier) side of judgementalism, is a sharp sense of discernment (which is often the case in those who tend towards judgementalism & self-righteousness).
Thank you so much for clarifying judgementalism.
It is very helpful & enlightening.
Good job!
These “signs” of a judgmental person seem to indicate a state of paranoia rather than being judgmental. A judgmental person is insulated and/or isolated, emotionally stunted, has a rigid mentality, is small-minded, and often lacks empathy and warmth (the emotional kind).
Hi Mateo,
You are writing to me. I’ve been questioning about myself and others andand noticed it. I called it judgementalism because that’s what intuition is when it is used for manlike games or attitude proving behaviours. I have toa admit that I didn’t like it to see how much I was rolled into it but because nobody could understand me for like 8 months I had to come up with something so that I could stay grounded and focusing on peace and trying to help friends who were in hard or deep situations I saw only one option to deal with. And that was to understand everything of what was happening so that I could say what was going on and that nobody had to feel like an outsider or being mistreated for who they are. Since middle school (21 now) I thought about hitler, about who he was and what he did and especially why. Why would such a man try to take everything that makes humans human away and even destroys their lives by forcing them (jews, gay, disabled people) into concentration camps. And how come that everybody who worked with it or for him did what he wanted to do.
I finely mapped out what he had done. Hitler was very punktlich and recorded every human being that was transported from place.. to place .. and killed at age .. Everything was well thought out and even in such a way that it completely sounded rational if you look at what he sais and what he does.
But..
He forgot one thing.
And that was his shadow. Hitler wanted to go for a victory and that was to win his own life back by revenge to the ones who had taken it from him. The things he missed in childhood be blamed the jews, gaypeople and disabled people for it. He wanted to create an ‘ubermensch’ that would be the ideal of the human race. He used theories like the evolution theory of charles darwin and politics and propaganda to use everything in a way that everything sounds logical and rational what he did. He used the best aspects of the human psyche to proove that he would build a new nation and that he would help to get Germany back on the world map again. To give the people the work and power they have always wanted. And that the only way to do that is to create an übermensch and everything else is left out and is seen as a lower race that doesn’t want to fight for its survival. He thought that only those who try to fight are worth living for.
He encouraged all the people to build a new nation. To select jews, gay and disabled people to go onto trains to working camps or concentration camps. He used propaganda to tell his dreams, his vision, his ideas, his speeches. The symbols, the way of outlooks, the speech, the voice, the points of TRUTH (he knew everything perfectly well) , the hilter wave with the hand before you in the airmost.
People who would not kill someone, hurt someone, destroy someone, insult someone became beasts or part of a gigantic mass destruction weapon that laid out on earth and every follower of the nazies did what needed to be done. And it went so easy.. That it felt like it was normal, that bringing people to a gas chambre becomes normal when you do it time after time (toughening up? Get a thicker skin?). And guess what. It was like it was so brutal, evil and beastlike that almost nobody knew exactly what was going on. You could have been a famous nazi who didn’t know what the impact was of hitlers motives and the real hidden drive behind it.
Hitler was a genius. He knew how to communicate in a way that was untrackable, only when you had the right code in the right codetranslator you could read where the next location was for a movement, act, or meeting.
Only after a single years it got decoded by some allianders.
Point being of what hitler was and did is that he had mapped out the whole human psyche and used it for the most evil side that there exists and he thought (just 100%) that it made sense.
And it did, but.
He forgot his shadow as Carl Jung clearly said.
He strived for the perfect human. The perfect army or nation. And everything else should be conquered are taken away. For his nation he was a good man, he gave everything what he promised to give. He did everything he said, everything.
But he used it to make people part of a gigantic mass destruction weapon and knew how to let people do things without having to know what for and to kill all the jews, gays and disabled people while almost nobody knew somethinh about it.
It waswas completely systemized. I have snapchat about it I will send by email that show how easy he mapped everything out and was able to force the biggest mass destruction into action by following all his instincts and evenI fueling it up with use of drugs (probably a sortand of cocaine) that kept him sharp anden clear headed.
I’ve tried to understand all of this while I was in a huge flight busy doing some work for a traineeship whereof everything got triggered because my boss asked meme a lotand of questions about almost everything and that was too much. I lost my mind and was totally leaked out like I had no energy anymore. I forced myself to keep going because I wanted to show to him and after a lot of therapy my dad and grandfather what I could. Everything my grandfather did, my father did was still inside me and that side was something in me that I have been hiding my whole life by going to the gym or doing sports at a high rate. At the time of doing traineeship I couldn’t train anymore. I went up at 6 and got home at 8. I was totally stressed out and couldn’t release my tension in the body and aggression. It totally numbed out andof felt lifeless yet very clear headed about everything that happened (too much of course). And tried to calm down every day and weekend but that didn’t work. I was totally lost in my soul and psyche. I walked around like a zombie and made myself doing things in a wayand that nobody saw that I was in trouble.
It was when I was with family that my brother saw me shaking a lot and gave me an intervention. I needed that. I went to a therapist and had to learn how to express myself and deal with the stressoverload and childhood trauma’s that boiled up during traineeship.
One weekend I went to a, what I used to see a friend, who talked about his traineeship and we had dinner. It was cosy. We talked about a lot. But all of a sudden he talked about writing and when I read it he began about letting go of your ego. He said it so straightforward that it was like I couldn’t do anything because I had a huge survivalmode going on to manage to still go see people. Only after sleeping at his house I felt everything where he suffered from and later on from all of my ffriends. And then I began to feel guilty and almost committed suicide and had a lot of OCD and DPD going on. So..
I had not many options to live with.
I decided to process everything and heal my core wounds by writing, making art and exercising. That helped. Only had I healed too much too fast which kept me in overdrive.
Now I can finally say that I have left it behind and are going to work at a farm here close by where I can put my thoughts off or not always on and go do something I like and can relativise and come back to normal daily reality again.
Thank you for writing this post. It means a lot to me!
Much appreciation and love.
Ben
Hi Mateo
I have read many of your articles by both yourself and Luna. Practically everything I have read to date, I absolutely concur with. So you could say we are on the same wavelength on most things spiritual. However, this is the first article I have read that I have a discernible difference in what you are saying. I am not troubled by it, however, but would be most appreciative if I could have your views on same, when you get a chance. I practice most of the self-acceptance guidelines you mention above daily, and all from time to time. Am I perfect? Absolutely not!!However, my bone of contention relates to the fact that I am a part of the rarest personality type in the world- as per the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicators. I am an INFJ and this personality type comprises less than 1% of the world population. Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa of Calcutta and Nelson Mandela were some famous past INFJ’s. My intuition levels and powers of instinct are at times off the scales and I can ‘feel’ the emotions of others starkly at times, be they, good, bad or indifferent. This can at times of course be debilitating to me emotionally, particularly when those ‘insights’ are on the bad side of human nature. So I am therefore making judgments about certain people at times, many of whom I have never met, but I cannot in any way rationalise in a black and white manner why this is so. Because it is a knowing. And in all cases I know of , where circumstances have happened later, my instinctive feelings have been proven to be the case. But of course these ‘bad’ people have good things about them too, I am sure, but I don’t always see or feel this side. Am I being judgmental Mateo?
Warm Regards
Paul
Thank you Paul for sharing your thoughts.
We’ve covered the MBTI types in the past (along with our test) as well as Empath’s who share a similar quality to what you describe. I think this is perhaps the biggest misunderstanding about judgment where we confuse its value as a survival mechanism (to discern risk and danger) with judgementalism as an attitude toward others. You’ll find in the above article I thought on this when I mention:
“Making judgments comes from a balanced and neutral mind. On the other hand, judgmentalism comes from an imbalanced and reactive mind that is seeking to protect itself from being hurt by others. We could, therefore, say that judgmentalism is actually a defense mechanism.”
What you’re describing as an INFJ is making judgments so as long as you’re not using those judgments to box someone into a black or white box and think you’re 100% correct about it without at least getting to know the person.
Thank you so much for this article! I was literally sitting crying because I have been beating myself up with guilt for being a bad person amongst other things, feeling very low at the moment. Checked my inbox and here was the exact insight I needed at exactly the time i needed it. Thank you again, you gave me a reason to forgive myself :) x
You’re welcome Joanne, it brings me great joy to hear our work is reaching you at the right moment.
Your teachings has a Buddhist flavor. When we realize we are not separate from all sentient beings we can be more compassionate towards others and ourselves. Thank-you for your wisdom.
I’m a glutton! I love all flavors and food but for the life of me wouldn’t be able to tell you what meals have formed the body I have today :)
Honestly I think being judgemental is an issue when you’re judging people based off of superficial qualities or for doing things that have no negative effect on others or themselves. However, prudence is a virtue, and I do believe in good judgement and I myself criticize behavior that is detrimental to others or narcissistic(there are a lot of narcissistic people though so I feel judgemental a lot). Of course I judge myself as well and don’t hold anyone to standards that are above or even at level with the ones I set for myself(save for a potential partner).
I agree Iris, hence why I distinguish the types of judgemental above: “Making judgments comes from a balanced and neutral mind. On the other hand, judgmentalism comes from an imbalanced and reactive mind that is seeking to protect itself from being hurt by others. We could, therefore, say that judgmentalism is actually a defense mechanism.” :)
Greetings from the Philippines!
First of all, thank you sir for sharing this wonderful article about judgmentalism. Somehow, I found this topic very interesting and empowering in my case that I’m on the process of spiritual awakening and I must say that the signs you’ve mentioned above hits me hard! But seriously, it really gave me insights that give such awareness on my issues, especially negative issues, and eventually, in my unconscious mind, used this negative image I have in myself to make a judgmental attitude on other people, ideas and situations.
I guess in my case, spiritual awakening and judgmentalism became interconnected wherein, little by little, when you learned to take away the mask that you held on for so long and saw every illusions of the society, I just can’t help but to feel anxious, isolated and irritated that many things and rules that were conditioned on me since my childhood days became FALSE in my heart and in my mind. During these times, it became very hard for me to adapt to the reality of life but as the years gone by, little by little, I learned to accept that not everyone will understand what I’ve been through and what I’m going through until now just because we are all different and each of us has its own stage of spiritual growth.
Again, thank you sir Mateo and God Bless on your journey with Ms. Luna. :)
Seeing the whole picture, yes. Exploring the reasons and backgrounds behind people’s behaviour and choices, yes. But still, man…
I feel tired of tolerating and understanding people who don’t even want to know me when they should. They’re my family, man, we’re bound by blood, yet they don’t know me. They don’t want to know me as a person. As long as I’m living normally, that’s all. Hell, I’m not! That’s partly why I’m judgmental to them,and to most people.
I agree wholeheartedly with your article, Sol, that’s what’s happening right now, and I really appreciate you for writing it. But when this understanding and tolerating only go one way, it doesn’t work.
Yes, this is where I defend my defence mechanism. I even feel righteous to be judgmental. Now you see how messed up I am.
I realize that this means that actually I don’t tolerate myself. That I don’t accept my current state of being, flaws and all. And I need to work it out.
I can feel the false nature of this wild tides of self-esteem. Not that it doesn’t matter, only “why bother so much about it, it’s a part of you and there are infinite parts in you”. Does that make sense? Sorry, I got carried away. All I’m saying is that I understand what you are saying but it’s just damn hard to do, man. Thanks anyway
Thanks Ian for leaving your thoughts.
I very much agree it’s hard not to be judgemental especially when it comes to family. I think it was Ram Dass who said; “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend one week with your family!”
But much like you, I’ve struggled with the desire of being understood by them and the frustration of not being heard. Eventually, I learned it’s much more simple to change my expectations of them.
I guarantee the amount of effort it takes to constantly be battling for understanding and judging others is a lot more work than to decide to change what I expect from people. Ultimately our frustration arises from our failure to accept that each person is in their own journey, in their own stage of growth, and it’s ridiculous for us to expect everyone to be on the same page as we are. It would be wonderful if we could share and grow with our family but in my experience, that’s rarely been the case with anyone on this path.
Actually Sol, I don’t just expect them to listen, I need them to listen and understand me. Lifelong loneliness is lethal. I wonder why I am still breathing.
I found this article very helpful and insightful. Thank you !
Sol, do you know any shaman/s from specifically, the Philippines that specialize/s in Soul Retrieval?
Thanks
Hey Zeke,
Unfortunately, I don’t know any currently based there, I’ve worked with a few Babaylan’s which had some interesting approaches so I’m sure there must be more Babaylan’s that currently work with Soul Retrievals there.
Baybayins are from the central area of the Philippines, I live in the northern part; shame :(