Our Twin Flames, or Twin Souls, are said to be our perfect vibrational matches in this world.
We unite with our Twin Flames to experience soulful transformation and the fulfillment of our personal potentials in this life.
However, connecting with our Twin Flames is an intense, overwhelming and sometimes excruciating experience. This is because it riles up old fears, wounds and ego blockages. As a result, every Twin Flame relationship eventually experiences what we refer to as the “runner and chaser” dynamic.
This period of life is both complex and extremely distressing for both partners who, deep down, simply desire Union.
Although the idea of having a Twin Flame can be helpful, especially as spiritual partnerships are a beautiful avenue of growth, please keep in mind the following when reading this article:
- Firstly, “twin flame” is a theoretical mental idea meaning that it isn’t objectively true, but is instead a helpful label that can describe a unique relationship we might experience in life – as such, please try not to attach too strongly to it, otherwise it can cause you suffering (aka. take it all with a grain of salt!)
- Secondly, twin flames don’t “complete” you, instead, they help to support your spiritual evolution – no one and nothing “completes” you and you don’t need a twin flame in your life as a prerequisite to evolve or feel happy
- Thirdly, please try to avoid misusing the concept of having a twin flame to (1) dream of a “better” and “more spiritual” partner, (2) sabotage your current relationship, (3) pressure your pre-existing partner to fit into the twin flame role – this is all an unnecessary mind game, so please love and cherish what you have already (provided it’s a relatively healthy relationship)
With that said, enjoy. :)
What is the Twin Flame Runner and Chaser Dynamic?
When we think about the Twin Flame relationship in terms of stages, the Runner and Chaser dynamic represents stage six. It is preceded by a level of immense inner turmoil as personality differences, egos and old core wounds flare up. Eventually, as tensions rise to an explosive level, the only “way out” is to try and escape from the relationship in some shape or form. This process of distancing or “running” can be either physical or psychological, or both.
Often running away from the intense love within a Twin Flame relationship involves returning back to an ex-partner, traveling, silent treatments, constant arguments, workaholism or simply leaving for no clear reason.
In this stage, the Runner often represents the more wounded “younger” soul, and the Chaser often represents the more mature “older” soul. In other words, while one partner is open to the purifying fires of love, the other finds the dissolution of their boundaries intimidating and too much to handle.
When Luna and I got together, we too experienced the twin flame runner and chaser stage. For us, this was a tormenting time because we felt so much love for each other, yet we could barely sit peacefully in the same room together. Almost every day we would argue and clash, sometimes even into the early hours of the morning. While Luna played the role of the (emotional) Runner, I played the role of the Chaser.
For us, this stage carried on for about 6 intense months, and then more mildly for another 1-3 years. However, the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage can vary greatly from couple to couple.
More In-Depth Help
Want to learn more about twin flame runners? In our book Twin Flames & Soulmates, we give more in-depth guidance:
6 Ways to Reunite With Your Twin Flame
If you are in the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage, you might be feeling extremely vulnerable, angry, overwhelmed and confused at the moment.
I want to share with you six tips that have helped us to personally get through this stage. You can read more about the runner and chaser stage in our Twin Flame book:
1. Is your twin flame really trying to hurt you?
Firstly, it’s important that you ensure that you’re not actually in a co-dependent or emotionally abusive relationship. Unfortunately for some couples, this could be a very real possibility. Don’t confuse arguments, differences in character and insecurity for the more sinister forms of manipulation, control, and abuse. If you think this may be a problem for you, read through the three types of emotional abuse.
If you are in a Twin Flame relationship, it will be clear that your partner doesn’t intend to cause you harm. The harm they cause you is unintentional and is a product of their own unresolved pain. However, if you’re in an abusive relationship, it will be clear that the harm your partner causes you is intentional.
2. Think about what it is that triggers you in your partner’s behavior.
A trigger can be anything from a certain look, a tone of voice, a phrase, an action, or anything that “triggers” an emotional response within you. Once you have discovered what it is that triggers you (e.g. when your partner starts becoming opinionated), you may like to ask, “Why does that bother me so much?” Try to go deeper than answers like, “He thinks he knows everything,” or “She isn’t listening to what I’m saying.” Find the emotion that is attached to the trigger – for instance, annoyance, bitterness or resentment – and keep digging deeper. It is likely that you will uncover many harmful ideals, beliefs and personal issues beneath your layers of emotion.
Here is an example: You get offended and aloof every time your partner interrupts you. You then ask, “Why is that?” You get upset because he isn’t respecting what you’re saying. “Why is that a problem?” That’s a problem because it feels like he doesn’t love you. “Why is that an issue?” You feel alone and abandoned. Here we can see that the true issue is the underlying fear of being alone and unappreciated.
3. Learn to openly communicate with your twin flame.
Open communication rarely comes naturally. Instead, it is something that the majority of us have to learn and master throughout our lives. When we fail to communicate openly we hide our emotions, keep our thoughts and perspectives to ourselves, and don’t speak up when something bothers us. If something bothers you about your partner’s behavior it is much better to openly and gently talk with them about it rather than hide it away and let it fester. Open communication is something the two of you should openly discuss and agree to work on. For an excellent open communication guide, we recommend reading “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall Rosenberg.
4. Learn how to empathize with your twin flame’s perspective.
This can be extremely hard to do, especially when you’re caught up in your own perceptions and feelings, but it is worth learning. Why? Developing this skill will help you to develop empathy, and this will help your relationship to mature immensely. We recommend starting with the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness can be practiced through a traditional meditation practice, by learning to live in the moment, by spending time alone in reflection, by mindful breathing, and many other methods. The more proficient you become at learning how to observe instead of react to your emotions, the easier it will be for you to empathize with your Twin Flame. Remember that your partner grew up in a different context and therefore possesses different life experiences, different genetics and a different personality. Remember that what they think, feel and believe is true for them but not necessarily true for you, and respect that.
5. Ask, “What am I being taught?”
Whenever you both get into a squabble or experience tension, ask yourself, “What is it that my Twin Flame is trying to teach me through their words or actions right now?” Perhaps you need to develop more patience, understanding or forgiveness. In the end, our twin flames are like vessels through which the harshest, but most valuable lessons of life are transmitted. Only when you open yourself to learning these lessons can you grow as a person.
6. Forgive each other
Realize that each of you carry your own different types of pain. Every argument and every rash and hurtful decision is a product of unresolved pain. When you both learn to understand this, you can both forgive each other and allow the love you feel to cleanse all wounds.
Twin flames expose the shadow qualities and core wounds within us, helping them to be brought to the light. While this period of your relationship might feel eternal, its purpose is to help you heal, open and learn how to embody unconditionally love.
Are you in the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage? Perhaps you’d like to share with us your experience below.
I met my twin flame about 8 years ago, when he was in another relationship, and I was not trying to be in anything super committed. Even before we officially met, we both admitted to seeing the other and wanting to meet each other. Ever since the first time we actually met each other, there was such a magnetic pull, that we were practically inseparable, which ultimately resulted in him getting divorced from his partner. I honestly didn’t even know that there was such a thing as being a twin flame, and only discovered that that’s what we were when trying to research the intense connection we have with each other. We are definitely in the “runner and chaser” stage, though, and have been for at least 3 years, (me being the runner and he the chaser). We love each other so immensely, but cannot stop hurting each other, (we have both done this, but I learned the lessons much quicker than he has, and he continues to have the same behaviors that ultimately I cannot handle due to my insecurities), and then I run away. We have gone half a year without speaking, but the moment we see each… Read more »
I am 31 yrs old disabled woman (thanks COVID and life time of trauma lol), who has been a victim and survivor of sexual violence, domestic violence, and systemic violence. I have lived on four continents before the age of 26 yrs old. I am a helping soul. I was a counsellor for a decade and I worked with children 13-17 yrs old + women & children fleeing family violence. I am a South Korean Immigrant to Canada and my paternal grandmother had the sickness but she denied becoming a shaman because of societal shame. I was very much abused by my parents, especially my mom. I was supposed to have have my wedding this weekend. My SIL spanks her child. I have worked with enough traumatized children and literally ALL MY FRIENDS are social workers, MH professionals and I was trying to avoid my friends calling CFS on on my fucking wedding day. My FIL has CPTSD from serious child abuse, my MIL has undiagnosed ADHD, my SIL and her husband both have vibrant shade of ND and undiagnosed. My Niece was her own person at 3 yrs old, as all children are at this age. I kept peace,… Read more »
Not gonna lie. I have more or less given up on The idea of twin flame love. Like honestly for me it is impossible to distuingish between twin flame relationship and just a relationship with my usual insecurities. However! If it happens it happens, but man I am not sure I want it. Sure the beginning and end of it sounds Nice, but the middle part? Goddamn. Still, If twin flame love is to appear in my life. Then it just means that life want me to evolve and then I will do it. In The end I suppose I dont have much choice in the matter. As usual, life has no chill when it comes to making me become the best person I can be. I just got out a 3 year relationship and I cant for The life of me imagine going back, ever. Sure it helped me grow and helped me expose my addiction to happy marriage, and there was alot of genuine love and I dont regret anything. But I am also glad I am through it because it was also a ton of suffering, frustrations and exhausting. Still, my dream of raising children lives on.… Read more »
Hi if you can enlighten me this is my recent experience. We met online and chat constantly thru day for a month. I realise it could be someone I fall in love with and soon as she realised that she shut down and told me she was terrified that I would find out what a mess she is and leave and she would not be able to recover . So fear of abandonment – I told her I would not fight her but I did chase her with supportive comments though she stopped talking to me and then asked me to not contact her anymore which I agreed. I am doing a lot of shadow work and because I was not triggered at all or upset just stayed in my own love and she was like my shadows mirror image leaving me I do not believe she is my twin flame but the one preparing me . I have heard her in my head once or twice since and seemed but I have also met a healer who been doing work with me during the false twin flame journey and who I believe is my twin flame and whom I… Read more »
(graag vorige bericht verwijderen, want blijkbaar was een deel van de tekst verdwenen, hetgeen ik pas zag nadat het geplaatst was …. heel apart …..) =================================================== Tja, heel herkenbaar. Sinds een maand bevind ik mij in een tweelingzielscheiding. Anderhalf jaar lang was ik de ‘renner’. Ik ben 8 x bij Alex, mijn tweelingziel, weggegaan. En ook weer teruggekomen, na een les te hebben geleerd. De laatste keer dat wij ruzie (miscommunicatie) hadden vroeg hij of ik weer zou weggaan. Ik zei dat ik dat niet van plan was, omdat ik er vertrouwen in had dat we er samen wel uit zouden komen. Tot mijn stomme verbazing verbrak hij een dag later onze relatie, met de mededeling dat hij tot de conclusie was gekomen dat hij niet toe was aan een relatie. Iets dat ik al die tijd heb aangevoeld en aangegeven, maar wat hij steeds ontkende als ik daar iets over zei. Waardoor ik aan mijzelf ging twijfelen! Alex wilde per se een relatie, een seksuele relatie. Een BDSM relatie ook nog. Online (hij woont in Turkije en ik in Nederland). Door zijn houding en gedrag moest ik met mijn trauma’s aan de slag, op een manier die met de… Read more »
Tja, heel herkenbaar. Sinds een maand bevind ik mij in een tweelingzielscheiding. Anderhalf jaar lang was ik de ‘renner’. Ik ben 8 x bij Alex, mijn tweelingziel, weggegaan. En ook steeds weer teruggekomen, na een les te hebben geleerd. De laatste keer dat wij ruzie (miscommunicatie) hadden vroeg hij of ik weer zou weggaan. Ik zei dat ik dat niet van plan was, omdat ik er inmiddels vertrouwen in had dat we er samen wel uit zouden komen. Tot mijn stomme verbazing verbrak hij een dag later de relatie, met de mededeling dat hij tot de conclusie was gekomen dat hij nog niet toe was aan een relatie. Iets dat ik al die tijd heb aangevoeld en aangegeven, maar hetgeen hij steeds ontkende (waardoor ik aan mijzelf ging twijfelen)! Alex wilde per se een relatie, een seksuele relatie. Een BDSM relatie ook nog. Online (want hij woont in Turkije en ik in Nederland). Door zijn houding en gedrag moest ik met mijn trauma’s aan de slag, op een manier die met de psycholoog niet kon. De psycholoog liet mij na mijn eerste opmerkingen over Alex al weten dat ik nog lang niet toe was aan een relatie. En zeker niet… Read more »
I’ve debated posting to this as I’m trying to do some deep soul searching about why I need to talk about my twin and if I really needed to or not. Why we can’t be happy without needing to tell others. But I know as I’ve gone through this journey, reading others stories helped me. So here I go. I think, although how can anyone know, truly, that one thing you need to do is stop trying to reunite with your twin. It’s draining. And takes your focus off your actual life. I recently heard some information about my twin (we’re in separation but still have mutual friends). He’s actually achieving huge life goals. Like things people would have said would never happen just a year ago. It hit me hard. I was ecstatic for him but it was like ouch to know he didn’t share his news with me. But mostly I was just filled with joy and hope that he was truly happy. Then I realized something that was a huge ouch. I kept wondering why the universe took him out of my life…and that day, I realized it didn’t. It took me out of his. See, I… Read more »