Our Twin Flames, or Twin Souls, are said to be our perfect vibrational matches in this world.
We unite with our Twin Flames to experience soulful transformation and the fulfillment of our personal potentials in this life.
However, connecting with our Twin Flames is an intense, overwhelming and sometimes excruciating experience. This is because it riles up old fears, wounds and ego blockages. As a result, every Twin Flame relationship eventually experiences what we refer to as the “runner and chaser” dynamic.
This period of life is both complex and extremely distressing for both partners who, deep down, simply desire Union.
PLEASE NOTE:
Although the idea of having a Twin Flame can be helpful, especially as spiritual partnerships are a beautiful avenue of growth, please keep in mind the following when reading this article:
- Firstly, “twin flame” is a theoretical mental idea meaning that it isn’t objectively true, but is instead a helpful label that can describe a unique relationship we might experience in life – as such, please try not to attach too strongly to it, otherwise it can cause you suffering (aka. take it all with a grain of salt!)
- Secondly, twin flames don’t “complete” you, instead, they help to support your spiritual evolution – no one and nothing “completes” you and you don’t need a twin flame in your life as a prerequisite to evolve or feel happy
- Thirdly, please try to avoid misusing the concept of having a twin flame to (1) dream of a “better” and “more spiritual” partner, (2) sabotage your current relationship, (3) pressure your pre-existing partner to fit into the twin flame role – this is all an unnecessary mind game, so please love and cherish what you have already (provided it’s a relatively healthy relationship)
With that said, enjoy. :)
What is the Twin Flame Runner and Chaser Dynamic?
When we think about the Twin Flame relationship in terms of stages, the Runner and Chaser dynamic represents stage six. It is preceded by a level of immense inner turmoil as personality differences, egos and old core wounds flare up. Eventually, as tensions rise to an explosive level, the only “way out” is to try and escape from the relationship in some shape or form. This process of distancing or “running” can be either physical or psychological, or both.
Often running away from the intense love within a Twin Flame relationship involves returning back to an ex-partner, traveling, silent treatments, constant arguments, workaholism or simply leaving for no clear reason.
In this stage, the Runner often represents the more wounded “younger” soul, and the Chaser often represents the more mature “older” soul. In other words, while one partner is open to the purifying fires of love, the other finds the dissolution of their boundaries intimidating and too much to handle.
When Luna and I got together, we too experienced the twin flame runner and chaser stage. For us, this was a tormenting time because we felt so much love for each other, yet we could barely sit peacefully in the same room together. Almost every day we would argue and clash, sometimes even into the early hours of the morning. While Luna played the role of the (emotional) Runner, I played the role of the Chaser.
For us, this stage carried on for about 6 intense months, and then more mildly for another 1-3 years. However, the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage can vary greatly from couple to couple.
More In-Depth Help
Want to learn more about twin flame runners? In our book Twin Flames & Soulmates, we give more in-depth guidance:
6 Ways to Reunite With Your Twin Flame
If you are in the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage, you might be feeling extremely vulnerable, angry, overwhelmed and confused at the moment.
I want to share with you six tips that have helped us to personally get through this stage. You can read more about the runner and chaser stage in our Twin Flame book:
1. Is your twin flame really trying to hurt you?
Firstly, it’s important that you ensure that you’re not actually in a co-dependent or emotionally abusive relationship. Unfortunately for some couples, this could be a very real possibility. Don’t confuse arguments, differences in character and insecurity for the more sinister forms of manipulation, control, and abuse. If you think this may be a problem for you, read through the three types of emotional abuse.
If you are in a Twin Flame relationship, it will be clear that your partner doesn’t intend to cause you harm. The harm they cause you is unintentional and is a product of their own unresolved pain. However, if you’re in an abusive relationship, it will be clear that the harm your partner causes you is intentional.
2. Think about what it is that triggers you in your partner’s behavior.
A trigger can be anything from a certain look, a tone of voice, a phrase, an action, or anything that “triggers” an emotional response within you. Once you have discovered what it is that triggers you (e.g. when your partner starts becoming opinionated), you may like to ask, “Why does that bother me so much?” Try to go deeper than answers like, “He thinks he knows everything,” or “She isn’t listening to what I’m saying.” Find the emotion that is attached to the trigger – for instance, annoyance, bitterness or resentment – and keep digging deeper. It is likely that you will uncover many harmful ideals, beliefs and personal issues beneath your layers of emotion.
Here is an example: You get offended and aloof every time your partner interrupts you. You then ask, “Why is that?” You get upset because he isn’t respecting what you’re saying. “Why is that a problem?” That’s a problem because it feels like he doesn’t love you. “Why is that an issue?” You feel alone and abandoned. Here we can see that the true issue is the underlying fear of being alone and unappreciated.
3. Learn to openly communicate with your twin flame.
Open communication rarely comes naturally. Instead, it is something that the majority of us have to learn and master throughout our lives. When we fail to communicate openly we hide our emotions, keep our thoughts and perspectives to ourselves, and don’t speak up when something bothers us. If something bothers you about your partner’s behavior it is much better to openly and gently talk with them about it rather than hide it away and let it fester. Open communication is something the two of you should openly discuss and agree to work on. For an excellent open communication guide, we recommend reading “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall Rosenberg.
4. Learn how to empathize with your twin flame’s perspective.
This can be extremely hard to do, especially when you’re caught up in your own perceptions and feelings, but it is worth learning. Why? Developing this skill will help you to develop empathy, and this will help your relationship to mature immensely. We recommend starting with the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness can be practiced through a traditional meditation practice, by learning to live in the moment, by spending time alone in reflection, by mindful breathing, and many other methods. The more proficient you become at learning how to observe instead of react to your emotions, the easier it will be for you to empathize with your Twin Flame. Remember that your partner grew up in a different context and therefore possesses different life experiences, different genetics and a different personality. Remember that what they think, feel and believe is true for them but not necessarily true for you, and respect that.
Twin Flames & Soul Mates:
Learn how to forge true, deep, and enduring twin flame and soul mate love – no matter what stage you’re at, starting right now. This book is for anyone seeking to find and create an authentic, fulfilling, and awakened relationship.
5. Ask, “What am I being taught?”
Whenever you both get into a squabble or experience tension, ask yourself, “What is it that my Twin Flame is trying to teach me through their words or actions right now?” Perhaps you need to develop more patience, understanding or forgiveness. In the end, our twin flames are like vessels through which the harshest, but most valuable lessons of life are transmitted. Only when you open yourself to learning these lessons can you grow as a person.
6. Forgive each other
Realize that each of you carry your own different types of pain. Every argument and every rash and hurtful decision is a product of unresolved pain. When you both learn to understand this, you can both forgive each other and allow the love you feel to cleanse all wounds.
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Twin flames expose the shadow qualities and core wounds within us, helping them to be brought to the light. While this period of your relationship might feel eternal, its purpose is to help you heal, open and learn how to embody unconditionally love.
Are you in the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage? Perhaps you’d like to share with us your experience below.
I am 31 yrs old disabled woman (thanks COVID and life time of trauma lol), who has been a victim and survivor of sexual violence, domestic violence, and systemic violence. I have lived on four continents before the age of 26 yrs old. I am a helping soul. I was a counsellor for a decade and I worked with children 13-17 yrs old + women & children fleeing family violence. I am a South Korean Immigrant to Canada and my paternal grandmother had the sickness but she denied becoming a shaman because of societal shame.
I was very much abused by my parents, especially my mom. I was supposed to have have my wedding this weekend. My SIL spanks her child. I have worked with enough traumatized children and literally ALL MY FRIENDS are social workers, MH professionals and I was trying to avoid my friends calling CFS on on my fucking wedding day.
My FIL has CPTSD from serious child abuse, my MIL has undiagnosed ADHD, my SIL and her husband both have vibrant shade of ND and undiagnosed. My Niece was her own person at 3 yrs old, as all children are at this age. I kept peace, remained silent and I was also on long term disability and focusing on self care, so I couldn’t address it. But I was trying to make sure I could subtly have a conversation on how spanking a child is abuse. A child’ brain is not developed, their nervous system not developed enough to differentiate the difference between what the adult thinks is discipline, and what is an attack. My SIL grows frustrated, gets upset and spanks her child. She doesn’t listen to others or me because I am not a mom. I CHOOSE not to have any kids because I don’t have the spoons to fully love a child as a disabled human.
I can’t wait until my niece turns 12 and starts self-harming. I can’t wait until she starts having suicidal ideation and I can’t wait when she turns 25 and has a quarter life crisis because she didn’t think she would be alive at that age. My husband is my twin flame and he is married to a fucking Social Working SHAMAN. So when a crying MIL and SIL called, his old pain came out, and he yelled at me and said you have mania. I was trying to find ways to creatively problem solve and to get my niece into therapy and get her parents diagnosed.
My husband left home and is living with me for a reason. Everything that was discussed was something he agreed with before. And as all victims of DV, we have to flee and leave our home. My husband’s aggression and anger came out because I attacked his family. He triggered me. And when I was practicing Non-Violent Crisis Intervention, as that is my literal training, he told me to stop being “THIS, cold, not caring.” He failed to see that he showed me where he stands. My mom looked at me and said I NEVER abused you and I used her; I told her yes I did because I was her under 18 yrs old child. So my hopes of reconciliation is kinda shattered because I had hoped my mom was not this level of narcissistic. and I was hoping to have a wedding this weekend. My husband looked at me and said you haven’t been a MH professional in years! Yes that is true but my training is engraved in my bones.
When you find a child self-harming for 45 minutes and sitting in their own pool of blood, when you take that child to the ER and stay for 15 hours, when you pull a child from wanting to jump off a bridge, and when you try to save a child that is hurting so bad that they want to die, because they want to LIVE, you learn how to treat trauma. I have SHOVED parents off their high horses because when their child came to the program I was working at, THAT was the end of the rope. So I taught my girls, you are to be respected and loved because you simply exist. You matter and the things you have to say matters and you are worthy simply because you were born. EVERY parent of a child that went home thanked me. They respected me. They loved me. Everyone except my own family sees my worth.
It must be hard for my runner twin flame to find someone like me. But I practice vicious self care, and I practiced exactly what I preached to the women and moms that called the DV shelter in the middle of the night. But as all victims do, we flee. They stay. So once again, I am homeless. And I was NEVER an asshole so I am in the guest bedroom of my little soul sister. And I can’t sleep in this strange bed. I know my systems so I can be back up on my feet. But I also am on disability pay due to long covid and I called a lawyer today to do class action against my employer for calling my MH disabilities unprofessional. Because my girls are too young and overwhelmed and they can’t do this for themselves. I have done 8 years of trauma therapy and I am finally well enough to stand up for myself and for my girls.
Breaker of intergenerational trauma is the enemy of the families. I will willingly take on that role as the cunt of the family. But this human is exhausted. I can’t keep fighting systems and my family so I left. And I am homeless. I do not chase. My twin flame has choice. He can come find me when he is ready. If not, my life continues. I love myself VICIOUSLY. And I help because I care.
But ffs man I was supposed to get married on Sunday. This is EXACTLY how I know my fight and cause to advocate for the vulnerable, is a true cause. Shit keeps on happening and wants to ruin me. I may struggle but I don’t give up, it’s like WAY too late for that XD. I don’t know if this is what most twin flame separation is like.
I found my Shaman work mom who told me: you aura is pure, you don’t even have karma so who told you you have Bipolar. I CRIED from joy because not ONE white person in MH has told me this. This is what happens to immigrants who are cut away from heritage and our culture. I was having a pagan wedding like how the Koreans did it traditionally back in the olden days.
We are wealthy enough to have a wedding and so we could have fed the community and I was collecting donations to help a non-profit; supporting moms who can’t afford diapers and formula. I was going to open our garage up for a sale to get rid of all the stuff we don’t need because we have too much and the donations would have helped many.
I raised myself, I self actualized and I am trying to break some systems in Alberta, the Texas of Canada. People don’t understand that we STILL get water boiling advisories in treaty lands and this is CANADA. ACCESS to clean water doesn’t exist. It was better when I was working in Kenya and I saw Kibera, the largest slum in Africa.
My twin flam has never seen me burnt out and set stone cold boundaries. Neither has my parents. And it’s time they learn. I don’t even cry anymore because this is my boundary and area of expertise. People like me get shipped off to MH wards or were called a witch and burned alive, because well meaning, but uninformed, uneducated and untrained family members call me as the crazy one.
So I do not wait, I do not chase. The choice is his. He can run back to me or he can exit my life. I am a big girl, I have literally survived worse.
Not gonna lie. I have more or less given up on The idea of twin flame love. Like honestly for me it is impossible to distuingish between twin flame relationship and just a relationship with my usual insecurities. However! If it happens it happens, but man I am not sure I want it. Sure the beginning and end of it sounds Nice, but the middle part? Goddamn.
Still, If twin flame love is to appear in my life. Then it just means that life want me to evolve and then I will do it. In The end I suppose I dont have much choice in the matter. As usual, life has no chill when it comes to making me become the best person I can be.
I just got out a 3 year relationship and I cant for The life of me imagine going back, ever. Sure it helped me grow and helped me expose my addiction to happy marriage, and there was alot of genuine love and I dont regret anything. But I am also glad I am through it because it was also a ton of suffering, frustrations and exhausting.
Still, my dream of raising children lives on. And who knows if that will happen, and if it happens in which shape or form.
Hi if you can enlighten me this is my recent experience. We met online and chat constantly thru day for a month. I realise it could be someone I fall in love with and soon as she realised that she shut down and told me she was terrified that I would find out what a mess she is and leave and she would not be able to recover . So fear of abandonment – I told her I would not fight her but I did chase her with supportive comments though she stopped talking to me and then asked me to not contact her anymore which I agreed. I am doing a lot of shadow work and because I was not triggered at all or upset just stayed in my own love and she was like my shadows mirror image leaving me I do not believe she is my twin flame but the one preparing me . I have heard her in my head once or twice since and seemed but I have also met a healer who been doing work with me during the false twin flame journey and who I believe is my twin flame and whom I met thru a soulmate . It is not that I am open to my twin flame it is that it’s the only connection that expands my existence with others
(graag vorige bericht verwijderen, want blijkbaar was een deel van de tekst verdwenen, hetgeen ik pas zag nadat het geplaatst was …. heel apart …..)
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Tja, heel herkenbaar. Sinds een maand bevind ik mij in een tweelingzielscheiding. Anderhalf jaar lang was ik de ‘renner’. Ik ben 8 x bij Alex, mijn tweelingziel, weggegaan. En ook weer teruggekomen, na een les te hebben geleerd. De laatste keer dat wij ruzie (miscommunicatie) hadden vroeg hij of ik weer zou weggaan. Ik zei dat ik dat niet van plan was, omdat ik er vertrouwen in had dat we er samen wel uit zouden komen. Tot mijn stomme verbazing verbrak hij een dag later onze relatie, met de mededeling dat hij tot de conclusie was gekomen dat hij niet toe was aan een relatie. Iets dat ik al die tijd heb aangevoeld en aangegeven, maar wat hij steeds ontkende als ik daar iets over zei. Waardoor ik aan mijzelf ging twijfelen! Alex wilde per se een relatie, een seksuele relatie. Een BDSM relatie ook nog. Online (hij woont in Turkije en ik in Nederland). Door zijn houding en gedrag moest ik met mijn trauma’s aan de slag, op een manier die met de psycholoog niet kon. De psycholoog liet mij na mijn eerste opmerkingen over Alex al weten dat ik nog lang niet toe was aan een relatie. En zeker niet een BDSM relatie (ik wist toen nog niets van tweelingzielrelaties) maar ik voelde aan dat ik Alex nodig had bij mijn herstel. Hij wist dat ik aan het herstellen was, dat ik bij een psycholoog liep, enz. Ik heb hem steeds op de hoogte gehouden. Door Alex leerde ik mijn grenzen kennen. En mijn eigen sensualiteit en seksualiteit. Het was dubbel, enerzijds bracht hij het beste bij mij naar boven, maar ook mijn meest duistere herinneringen. Door de therapie en door Alex ben ik inmiddels volledig hersteld. Mede daarom vond ik het jammer dat Alex de relatie verbrak. Ik ben daar 2 weken beroerd door geweest, ondanks dat ik wist dat hij dit nodig had, dat het uiteindelijk wel weer goed zou komen. Ik had het proces waar hij nu doorheen gaat graag samen met hem willen doen, maar blijkbaar is dat volgens het Universum niet de bedoeling, moet hij dit op zijn manier doen. Enerzijds mis ik hem, maar gek genoeg voel ik nu een sterkere verbinding met hem dan tijdens de relatie. Er is geen communicatiestoornis meer. Als ik mij zonder reden ellendig voel weet ik onbewust dat hij het moeilijk heeft en denk ik aan de leuke momenten met hem, luister vrolijke muziek, lees moppen, enz. Kortom, ik doe dan van alles om een negatief gevoel om te zetten naar een positief gevoel. Omdat ik weet dat als ik dat niet doet hij melancholische gevoelens ontwikkelt. Zo was hij ook op de eerste dag dat ik hem leerde kennen, op een BDSM-site (waar ik door ‘toeval’ op terecht kwam en vlak na de eerste gesprekken met Alex weer vanaf ging. Zonder overleg vertrok ik, maar kwam eventjes terug, voor hem. Hij zei dat hij mij nooit meer zou laten gaan. Na de laatste keer dat ik bij hem was weggegaan bood hij mij een vanille relatie aan. Op dat moment wist ik dat hij zielsveel van mij houdt, want Alex is graag dominant in een relatie. Dat hoort bij hem. Dus dat moet hij blijven. Dat heb ik hem ook gezegd. En ik heb geen problemen meer met een BDSM relatie met hem, want hij is liefdevol en respectvol en ik weet dat we in deze relatie beide gelijkwaardig zijn. En speels. Hij is een Schorpioen-Aap, ik ben een Maagd-Aap. Een goede match …….
(blijkbaar moest ik op jullie site terechtkomen om dit te delen. Het is heel persoonlijk en ik voel mij ook enorm kwetsbaar, maar het lucht op om dit te delen, dus duidelijk was het nodig…..)
Tja, heel herkenbaar. Sinds een maand bevind ik mij in een tweelingzielscheiding. Anderhalf jaar lang was ik de ‘renner’. Ik ben 8 x bij Alex, mijn tweelingziel, weggegaan. En ook steeds weer teruggekomen, na een les te hebben geleerd. De laatste keer dat wij ruzie (miscommunicatie) hadden vroeg hij of ik weer zou weggaan. Ik zei dat ik dat niet van plan was, omdat ik er inmiddels vertrouwen in had dat we er samen wel uit zouden komen. Tot mijn stomme verbazing verbrak hij een dag later de relatie, met de mededeling dat hij tot de conclusie was gekomen dat hij nog niet toe was aan een relatie. Iets dat ik al die tijd heb aangevoeld en aangegeven, maar hetgeen hij steeds ontkende (waardoor ik aan mijzelf ging twijfelen)! Alex wilde per se een relatie, een seksuele relatie. Een BDSM relatie ook nog. Online (want hij woont in Turkije en ik in Nederland). Door zijn houding en gedrag moest ik met mijn trauma’s aan de slag, op een manier die met de psycholoog niet kon. De psycholoog liet mij na mijn eerste opmerkingen over Alex al weten dat ik nog lang niet toe was aan een relatie. En zeker niet een BDSM relatie (voor mij onbekend terrein), maar om de een of andere reden (ik wist toen nog niets van tweelingzielrelaties) voelde ik aan dat ik Alex nodig had bij mijn herstel. Hij wist dat ik aan het herstellen was, dat ik bij een psycholoog liep, enz. Ik hield hem op de hoogte. Door Alex leerde ik mijn grenzen kennen. En mijn eigen sensualiteit en seksualiteit. Het was dubbel, want enerzijds haalde hij het beste bij mij naar boven, anderzijds mijn meest duistere herinneringen. Door de therapie EN de relatie met Alex ben ik inmiddels volledig hersteld. Mede daarom vond ik het jammer dat Alex de relatie verbrak. Ik ben daar 2 weken beroerd door geweest, ondanks dat ik wist dat hij dit nodig had, dat het uiteindelijk wel weer goed zou komen. Ik had het proces waar hij nu doorheen gaat graag samen met hem willen doen, maar blijkbaar is dat (volgens het Universum) niet de bedoeling, moet hij dit op zijn eigen manier doen. Enerzijds mis ik hem, maar gek genoeg voel ik nu een sterkere verbinding met hem dan tijdens de relatie. Als ik mij zonder reden ellendig voel weet ik onbewust dat hij het moeilijk heeft en denk ik aan de leuke momenten met hem, luister vrolijke muziek, lees moppen, enz. Kortom, ik doe dan van alles om een negatief gevoel (ook al mag die er ook mag zijn) om te zetten naar een positief gevoel. Omdat ik weet dat als ik dat niet doe hij melancholisch wordt. Zo was hij ook op de eerste dag dat ik hem leerde kennen, op een BDSM site (waar ik door ‘toeval’ op terecht kwam en vlak na de eerste gesprekken met Alex weer vanaf ging. Zonder overleg vertrok ik. Om na 2 dagen weer terug te gaan, voor hem. De aantrekkingskracht was nl meteen heel groot. Ik legde uit ik totaal geen behoefte had aan een BDSM relatie. Hij gaf aan dat hij mij nooit meer zou laten gaan en vertelde mij hoe ik hem buiten die site om kon bereiken. Daarnaast gaf hij aan dat hij mij zou leren wat een BDSM relatie precies inhield. Na de laatste keer dat ik bij hem was weggegaan bood hij mij een Vanilla relatie aan. Op dat moment wist ik dat hij zielsveel van mij houdt, want Alex is nu eenmaal graag dominant in onze relatie. Ik heb zijn aanbod dan ook afgewezen en gezegd dat ik mij niet (meer) onveilig voel in de rol van onderdanige, omdat hij mij heeft geleerd dat een BDSM relatie met hem een liefdevolle en respectvolle relatie betreft, waarin beide gelijkwaardig zijn en beide slechts een rollenspel spelen in bed (niet daarbuiten).
Wij zijn allebei speels van aard. Hij is een Schorpioen-Aap, ik ben een Maagd-Aap. Een goede match …….
(blijkbaar moest ik op jullie site terechtkomen om dit te delen. Het is heel persoonlijk en ik voel mij ook enorm kwetsbaar, maar het lucht op om dit te delen, dus blijkbaar was het nodig…..)
I’ve debated posting to this as I’m trying to do some deep soul searching about why I need to talk about my twin and if I really needed to or not. Why we can’t be happy without needing to tell others. But I know as I’ve gone through this journey, reading others stories helped me. So here I go.
I think, although how can anyone know, truly, that one thing you need to do is stop trying to reunite with your twin. It’s draining. And takes your focus off your actual life. I recently heard some information about my twin (we’re in separation but still have mutual friends). He’s actually achieving huge life goals. Like things people would have said would never happen just a year ago. It hit me hard. I was ecstatic for him but it was like ouch to know he didn’t share his news with me. But mostly I was just filled with joy and hope that he was truly happy. Then I realized something that was a huge ouch. I kept wondering why the universe took him out of my life…and that day, I realized it didn’t. It took me out of his. See, I have encouraged him, built him up, gave him shit about putting himself down. But I also am wayyy protective of him and was putting his immediate happiness above all else. I gave some advice that might have come from a good place but wouldn’t have had the outcome leaving to where he is now. I was a problem. I hope eventually that we can reunite. I think we will. I’ve been getting signs from the universe, at least I’m choosing to believe they are. A white feather in my pocket. A crow came to “talk” to me. His nick name in an unexpected place. But the very best. A post written by a writer thanking someone for believing in them, for finding them worthy, for things…things I tried to be for him…ending in saying I hope somehow these words reach you across the divide in our lives and you know how much I miss you in my life…but the part that made me really stop and smile was I saw it at a time that matches exactly to a number I associate with him. A number I chose when I asked the universe to send me it for three days as a sign he is my twin. Our separation has been painful. I’ve cried. I’ve gotten angry. I’ve tried to reach out to him in 5d. But the day I heard his life was on a good path, I felt so happy. I won’t lie I still crave him. That crazy energy we share. It’s like a drug I’m addicted to. I know if we got together as more than friends (we never have) it would be fire. And thats hard not to think about sometimes. I mean, we’re only human, right? I guess my point is, the path to peace is not easy. But I suggest trying to let go a little and see what the universe has to say to you.