Our Twin Flames, or Twin Souls, are said to be our perfect vibrational matches in this world.
We unite with our Twin Flames to experience soulful transformation and the fulfillment of our personal potentials in this life.
However, connecting with our Twin Flames is an intense, overwhelming and sometimes excruciating experience. This is because it riles up old fears, wounds and ego blockages. As a result, every Twin Flame relationship eventually experiences what we refer to as the “runner and chaser” dynamic.
This period of life is both complex and extremely distressing for both partners who, deep down, simply desire Union.
What is the Twin Flame Runner and Chaser Dynamic?
When we think about the Twin Flame relationship in terms of stages, the Runner and Chaser dynamic represents stage six. It is preceded by a level of immense inner turmoil as personality differences, egos and old core wounds flare up. Eventually, as tensions rise to an explosive level, the only “way out” is to try and escape from the relationship in some shape or form. This process of distancing or “running” can be either physical or psychological, or both.
Often running away from the intense love within a Twin Flame relationship involves returning back to an ex-partner, travelling, silent treatments, constant arguments, workaholism or simply leaving for no clear reason.
In this stage, the Runner often represents the more wounded “younger” soul, and the Chaser often represents the more mature “older” soul. In other words, while one partner is open to the purifying fires of love, the other finds the dissolution of their boundaries intimidating and too much to handle.
When Luna and I got together, we too experienced the twin flame runner and chaser stage. For us this was a tormenting time because we felt so much love for each other, yet we could barely sit peacefully in the same room together. Almost every day we would argue and clash, sometimes even into the early hours of the morning. While Luna played the role of the (emotional) Runner, I played the role of the Chaser.
For us, this stage carried on for about 6 intense months, and then more mildly for another year. However, the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage can vary greatly from couple to couple.
6 Ways to Reunite With Your Twin Flame
If you are in the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage, you might be feeling extremely vulnerable, angry, overwhelmed and confused at the moment.
I want to share with you six tips that have helped us to personally get through this stage:
1. Is your twin flame really trying to hurt you?
Firstly, it’s important that you ensure that you’re not actually in a co-dependent or emotionally abusive relationship. Unfortunately for some couples, this could be a very real possibility. Don’t confuse arguments, differences in character and insecurity for the more sinister forms of manipulation, control and abuse. If you think this may be a problem for you, read through the three types of emotional abuse in this article.
If you are in a Twin Flame relationship, it will be clear that your partner doesn’t intend to cause you harm. The harm they cause you is unintentional and is a product of their own unresolved pain. However, if you’re in an abusive relationship, it will be clear that the harm your partner causes you is intentional.
2. Think about what it is that triggers you in your partner’s behavior.
A trigger can be anything from a certain look, a tone of voice, a phrase, an action, or anything that “triggers” an emotional response within you. Once you have discovered what it is that triggers you (e.g. when your partner starts becoming opinionated), you may like to ask, “Why does that bother me so much?” Try to go deeper than answers like, “He thinks he knows everything,” or “She isn’t listening to what I’m saying.” Find the emotion that is attached to the trigger – for instance, annoyance, bitterness or resentment – and keep digging deeper. It is likely that you will uncover many harmful ideals, beliefs and personal issues beneath your layers of emotion.
Here is an example: You get offended and aloof every time your partner interrupts you. You then ask, “Why is that?” You get upset because he isn’t respecting what you’re saying. “Why is that a problem?” That’s a problem because it feels like he doesn’t love you. “Why is that an issue?” You feel alone and abandoned. Here we can see that the true issue is the underlying fear of being alone and unappreciated.
3. Learn to openly communicate with your twin flame.
Open communication rarely comes naturally. Instead, it is something that the majority of us have to learn and master throughout our lives. When we fail to communicate openly we hide our emotions, keep our thoughts and perspectives to ourselves, and don’t speak up when something bothers us. If something bothers you about your partner’s behavior it is much better to openly and gently talk with them about it rather than hide it away and let it fester. Open communication is something the two of you should openly discuss and agree to work on. For an excellent open communication guide, we recommend reading “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall Rosenberg.
4. Learn how to empathize with your twin flame’s perspective.
This can be extremely hard to do, especially when you’re caught up in your own perceptions and feelings, but it is worth learning. Why? Developing this skill will help you to develop empathy, and this will help your relationship to mature immensely. We recommend starting with the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness can be practiced through a traditional meditation practice, by learning to live in the moment, by spending time alone in reflection, by mindful breathing, and many other methods. The more proficient you become at learning how to observe instead of react to your emotions, the easier it will be for you to empathize with your Twin Flame. Remember that your partner grew up in a different context and therefore possesses different life experiences, different genetics and a different personality. Remember that what they think, feel and believe is true for them but not necessarily true for you, and respect that.
5. Ask, “What am I being taught?”
Whenever you both get into a squabble or experience tension, ask yourself, “What is it that my Twin Flame is trying to teach me through their words or actions right now?” Perhaps you need to develop more patience, understanding or forgiveness. In the end, our twin flames are like vessels through which the harshest, but most valuable lessons of life are transmitted. Only when you open yourself to learning these lessons can you grow as a person.
6. Forgive each other
Realize that each of you carry your own different types of pain. Every argument and every rash and hurtful decision is a product of unresolved pain. When you both learn to understand this, you can both forgive each other and allow the love you feel to cleanse all wounds.
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Twin flames expose the shadow qualities and core wounds within us, helping them to be brought to the light. While this period of your relationship might feel eternal, its purpose is to help you heal, open and learn how to embody unconditionally love.
Are you in the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage? Perhaps you’d like to share with us your experience below.
I m twin flame soul I often have squabble with my partner in fact even now I had it , my messsages trigger him if I message him more than four messages he gets angry I spoke to him over telephone we resolved the matter even apologised for the same,but my problem is that I can’t stay without talking or messaging him ,this in turn makes him irritated as he finds it distracting between his work as it’s shifts his focus from him. What I want is to stay peaceful without squabble I want him to be normal is there any prayer or effective remedy that I can do to relieve my resentment and pain that I suffer from this kind of behaviour???
Hello. I’m stage 6 and 7. I’m runner I feel. Been doing so years, they tried connect many years ago I did not realise was twin flame, now a reconnect although we both have different lives and family commitments makes it so difficult. So an initial connect now as runner to navigate where to go from here.
Well, we are 5 months in. You say stage 6? It’s been stage 1 for us. We have connected on every level besides romance and intimacy, but she is afraid to take the leap with me, so she blows me off and screws around with her ex boy toy. Wether it is back together or fighting…
Me and my ex are going through the chaser and runner stage very painful to me as the runner . She separated wanted back I refused now she’s in hiding giving me the s silent treatment . Sal
I’ve been in this relationship with an amazing man who is over a decade older than i am. sometimes when i tell him how i feel i think he just brushes it off or does not see it as i mean it so i have to either explain it away until i get tired or not even try. I know he loves me and i love him very much. I know i am the runner. I keep wanting to leave for various reasons but i love him so much that i just end up not doing anything but distancing myself mentally when we’re together. I discovered so many things about me in retrospect and it’s all to do with being in this relationship with him. He and I are so much alike and yet so different. We push each other to be better people and to discover who we really are on a soul level. I love him but i always find some reason to want out. The love is so strong. It takes over my every thought and i am not sure i am ready for that.
I have known my twin flame for four years, and I stayed in his country for almost a year now, though only met him a few times because he is working a lot. It can seems like he put himself into a more and more busy life, while at the same time talking about how tired he is and that he just want to find a quite place where he can read and relax. He seems to put his work and obligations first, which also is a good thing, but it is also difficult to build a relation to someone when time is not there. I been thinking about telling him about my feelings, without expecting anything back. Its better than keep it all inside. It is a huge step for me to do so as a quite shy person, but it starts to get even more difficult to keep all this to myself. I have been thinking he is the runner, but not shore, and that is also what my dreams are showing. I do not think those things are neccessary black and white. He often tells me what he wants in life, but often he ends up following obligations from others, and it does not seems to make him any happier. For myself, i have to learn to lowen my expectations, for my own sake, be more patient and not end up getting drawned in my own hopes and dreams. I also feel we both are quite idealistic people searching for some meaning in this beautiful and interesting world, and I do believe dreams are there for a reason.
I can relate to this. It’s tough wanting to be with someone and they only have a little time they could spend with you.
I feel I’m the chaser. I totally agree the TF relationship is INTENSE. I’ve known her all my life. As much as we aren’t too far apart we always seem to run into each other. I also feel
I’m the more psychic of the two of us. Like back in 2014 I said something I would do anything to take back. But couple years ago her daughter starts poking me on Facebook. 1 problem I know her daughter by her profile but her daughter has never met me face 2 face. So how in the world does she know me? It got even more interesting when my TFs brother sent me a friend request. I think me & hers biggest hurdle is physical interaction. I ran into her February 13. It’s been YEARS since I had that feeling. My heart racing & sweating like crazy. Only time till we meet again and I’ve been prepping for that moment
I have found my TF, The very first time I saw him in 2013 I knew immediately I was in love with him. Almost a year of no contact after high school we met up again and picked up where we left off. Our love and energies just skyrocketed the first time we hung out when he came back in 2014 and I have been with him for the past 3 years. I had to separate with him about 2 weeks ago. It broke me, and absolutely killed me. But I knew I had to do this, sometimes I worry that I made the wrong choice, that this is all a big mistake. I fear sometimes that he won’t be able to resolve his core wounds and come back to me. He says he will but I am so afraid that he won’t. I have to hold on to this thought or else I feel like I will lose my mind.
^ I know that he needs to do this. We both do. I am just so afraid of the future. I just know I will be in love with this man my whole life, what if he does not come back?
Oh dear R, I feel you. Letting go of your TF when he needs to resolve his own issues is very challenging. I know the pain of separation that you feel all too well. It broke me like nothing else has. But I recovered and our love gets stronger every time we reconnect even though we are still not “together” as he’s got the same issues. Let me tell you – this is where TRUST comes into play. If your souls are destined to reunite, you can’t miss it. Do your own inner work. Be ready to receive your TF, whether its him or someone else. I know your fears all too well. I fear the same, that I will always be longing for him if he doesn’t fully return to me. I recently decided to surrender to the Universe and say – “I simply surrender. Lead me to my husband, my true soul mate love, my partner…whoever it may be”. TRUST. LET GO.
I am the chaser. We met only 5 months ago and it wasn’t until finding an article on TF that I realized she was it. We had a great 2 months, one night I told her how I felt and 2 days later I was standing up against a wall and she was telling me how her Ex had contacted her, she was confused and It’s not fair to me to be in the middle of it. She has recently lost a brother, moved back to her hometown (where i live), was starting a business and writing some books, and then add the Ex in to the mix.
We never fought, really ever. We have been very empathetic towards each other. I understand why she made the choices she has (and also now feel that she was scared to realize her feelings for me, due to her damaged heart for her brother and what she feels for this other person – who has 10 years of knowledge of her on me). She understands that my feelings for her are very strong and requited. When we run in to each other I see the love in her eyes, I feel the strength of her embrace. Last time I had to step back or we never would have separated. I have asked her if we will never be together again and she cannot answer. She has been very strong with me and I know if the answer was truly no, she would tell me, but she cannot. I have told her I love her, and told her we are soulmates (before I knew about TFs) and the way she treats me even since then, confirms that she has feelings.
I assume she knows nothing about TFs and I dont think it is something I can tell her about, at least now. She knows the level of feeling I have for her, how I am in tuned with both of our feelings of each other – the night she ended it, I felt that feelings wash over me as I was walking to her party. I also both know we have things to work on – she completely changed my life and made me realize I could be more than I currently was. For her, she saw the way I quit smoking cold turkey and confided in me, that she needed to cut out her demons. I will speak with her about that, not that I have the answers for her, but that she should know she has mentioned it several times to me and I am there for her.
I am very scared to let her off and free. To find this ex, to find herself, to find myself. I have waited my whole life to meet this person. In 34 years before I had never been in love, never been serious, until now.
I recently reached out to grab a bite and catch up (and talk to her about her demons) and that is 3 weeks out. Unfortunately it takes up most of my thoughts all day every day and I am already considering telling her that we really cannot see each other going forward, because it gives me hope and as much as I love her unconditionally, and I do, I want her to be happy, but I also want to be with her, because its just so strong. I told her I can accept our lots in life right now, but its hard and maybe just needs to be put on the back burner to become the person I was born to be.
Hopefully time moves swiftly.
I feel you. Funny, we are at 5 months. Me being the Chaser, her the runner. Figured out the TF thing at 4am this morning. We are fully unturned to eachothers to include knowing when we are leaving our houses. We usually call as we are walking out the door. But, she avoids me as much as possible, but then the time we do get to spend together is great. She always plays the song “What if?” By Cain Brown for me. No matter who is around. Even her boy toy.
I am unsure if I am the chaser or runner. I met a wonderful man who I believe and feel deep down is my twin flame. We have way to many things that are similar down to items in our house holds, sports , and education plus other stuff to much to list. We had never met until both of us are in our 50’s. The time we spent together was the happiest time of my life and he also felt very much the same as I.
Up until a week ago he was talking about future trips, holidays, and family get together no indication of being unhappy. It felt like within a couple days he changed. He tells me he don’t even know why his feelings changed. I could sense the change and we both decided to take a break from each other. It happened so fast I am baffled.
I have not contacted him since we decided to take a break nor has he contacted me.
I am confused on what I should do at this point. I have a feeling I will hear from him again but don’t know when for all I know it could be years. My feelings about the break is confusion and hurt but different than any other relationship from my past. I am not panicked about contacting him for some unknown reason like past relationships.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank You
Hi Davine,
that sounds similar to what I experienced. Seeing that your comment is from february, I wonder what happened until now. Is there anything new?
Wish you the best!
Gevene
I am married, however he is not my twin flame. I met my TF after I got married. Is there a way to keep a healthy relationship with a TF and be married? Unfortunately, I and my TF are very attracted to each other on all levels and that’s why we had to end our relationship. I crave him so bad to be a part in my life because we have helped each other grow and understand ourselves in a way no one else can. I miss him very much but don’t know how to continue our relationship without hurting each other. The magnetic force is so strong but since we can’t be together do I continue to respect him not wanting to talk to me (obviously I’m the chaser). How can I keep him in my life but not be with him?
Hi Vanessa – wow, you are in the position MY TF is in. He’s the married one, we met after he was married and were “together” during his separation, after which he returned to the marriage for sake of the kids. It’s been 4 years of runner/chaser dynamic, we keep coming back to each other, the love never dies in fact it grows stronger and deeper. But now we’re in this turmoil- chaser/runner stage … can’t stay apart but can’t find balance together without hurting each other. I feel you. Perhaps we can connect somehow, we can chat and perhaps help each other through these dynamics. Big hug. Melanie
There is a wonderful quote by Osho. I would say if those statements resonate with your outlook on your current dynamic with your twin, you could probably claim being a mature soul. “The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person–without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.”
Otherwise there is work to be done. Pointing fingers, blaming the other party for your unhappiness will not solve your problem. Maturity means taking responsibilities for your own lessons and actions. We all have a free will. So what are you going to do with it?
I love this, Lora – thank you for posting the Osho quote.
I’m so glad to have found this prage and know that there are others like me going through the same emotions as mine… I’m the chaser too for almost 2 and half years.. but if you all notice there are mostly chasers in the page worried about love and life and universe to work it’s magic and bring back the TF… My runner flame got married recently … So there’s definitely no point waiting anymore… In fact I feel stupid to have even waited… It’s not smart to waste our precious lifetime on waiting over the silly runner and they get to enjoy all the worldly happiness while we starve ourself from it… I want to believe that I’m the maturer soul and by human nature my runner flame was very egoistic… Instead of identifying the intensity of his own emotions he called me the crazy one for”rushing” into the relationship when actually he was asking me out… There’s a reason why the runner is a younger soul coz they still be have to nourish themselves and learn more important life lessons until they mature and meet our level of soul maturity… that’s when a peaceful union is possible… I am eternally optimistic and forgiving so I love him and wish him all the happiness…but now I love myself more and I’m positive that my 2nd twin flame or soul mate will come looking for me and together we can share a fuller life experience… Don’t waste your precious time in life.. You get just one life
Well, I learned that lesson also. But it took me only 4 months to realize I had to let go of him. If someone runs from love there is a valid reason, a lesson to learn. And the best way to approach this stage is just let them run.
Unfortunately for most of us, the life purpose of the twin flame connection is not to join together, but to come in, stir up one another’s lives and then retreat back into the shadows.
Their purpose is to change our lives—not to always become a permanent part of them.There is no denying the overwhelming magic that can occur when two twins choose each other, but even if they don’t, it doesn’t mean that the connection hasn’t served its purpose.
It only means that one or both twins weren’t ready, but the thing we also have to remember is that time is irrelevant for these loves, so what seems impossible today may suddenly move into fruition tomorrow.
And so, at the end of it all, all we can really do is our own soul’s work on our self and allow the one we love to remain as free as possible.
SR, I don’t feel like you need guidance, there is nothing you can do to influence your twin. He himself has to work on letting of his fear and finally relize that living in a fear of being potentially hurt is living in pain every single day. Because we’ve been hurt by one person–or in some people’s cases, a number of people–we become conditioned to believing that the next person will hurt us too. But projecting this assumption onto the next person isn’t being fair, they deserve to be given an open-minded chance. It’s important that we start each relationship with a clean slate, and not let it be poisoned by our past. As the saying goes, once you’re bitten, you’re twice shy. The natural intention is to put up barriers around you and try to protect yourself by refusing to open up and trust anyone again-but if you do that, you could miss out on the joy of spending your life with someone great and experience the most profound feeling in the universe. Don’t let that happen. An ex’s untrustworthiness does not have to have a permanent impact on your ability to trust another person, and it doesn’t have to destroy your future relationships.
After all, your ex has already hurt you enough. Don’t let them hurt you anymore.
I think there is nothing worse than looking back in five years and think, ‘We could have been magnificent together, but I was afraid.
Thank you Lora, He came back. He realized we cant be separated, and that we belong together. I experience so much love with him :-) Thank you.
I am really happy for you.
Hello,
I feel like this other person is my twin flame. I feel very deep unconditional love towards this person. We have met only 3 months ago and haven’t met physically yet. He is a friend of my only brother who passed away few months back. I was devastated but he entered my life after I gained some of my strength back (though life will never be the same again). I felt the deep connection from the very first time I talked with him. I have always felt like I can be a mother, sister, friend, anything else to him. The love I feel for him is so complete and unconditional.
He also said that he has been having intuitions about me even before we talked. He is a very raw kind of person. I can feel his love but at times he gets too aloof. He had a very stressful life with a lot of struggles. That has affected him and a lot of times love scares him and fear takes over. Sometimes he surrenders to the love and as if himself becomes love for me, but a lot of times it scares him. Mostly he is extremely fearful that I will leave him and that he is becoming weak and it I leave it will devastate him.
I am married but my marriage is not a traditional one. My husband knows about him, we r good friends (me and my husband) but only technically we r married.
My being married also frustrates him.
I don’t know what to do, he has pulled away.
He is in a lot of pain and I am too. But somehow, I feel he cant be fully separated from me and that we will always be connected.
Please guide me..
Thank you
I first laid eyes on my twin when I was 11 years old. He was almost 10 years older than me, so he didn’t notice me until later. I would say when I was 18 years old. Our connection was divinely orchestrated but we never put labels on it. We did’t really see each other an until I was around 23 years old. We seen each other on and off until I was 29. I wanted so much more and he wouldn’t commit. He was chasing money and success. But I know in my heart I would never love anyone like him. Although he never said it, I knew he loved me. I am the runner. At 29 years old I moved really far away I wanted a husband and a child. I would see him when I would return home but nothing ever made me feel like we were meant to be together until about four months ago. I am married and have a daughter. I am now 40 years old and I unintentionally seen my twin a few months ago. The fire was undeniable, our connection one. The world stopped for us. Nothing mattered. I still didn’t think anything of it until he communicated how he felt. He finally said the words I was longing to hear. My heart opened up. After this stage, ego does set in but I realized I couldn’t compare this man to anyone else that has hurt me. We had some flare ups but this was our cleansing stage. It was good because I needed to know that he was true and there for me. I am in a place where I am trying to enjoy this unconditional love. I know that after all these years I am a part of him and he is a part of me. I trust that we will make our way fully back to each other when we are healed and we will be able to heal each other my knowing how to love one another without conditions.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.