Our Twin Flames, or Twin Souls, are said to be our perfect vibrational matches in this world.
We unite with our Twin Flames to experience soulful transformation and the fulfillment of our personal potentials in this life.
However, connecting with our Twin Flames is an intense, overwhelming and sometimes excruciating experience. This is because it riles up old fears, wounds and ego blockages. As a result, every Twin Flame relationship eventually experiences what we refer to as the “runner and chaser” dynamic.
This period of life is both complex and extremely distressing for both partners who, deep down, simply desire Union.
What is the Twin Flame Runner and Chaser Dynamic?
When we think about the Twin Flame relationship in terms of stages, the Runner and Chaser dynamic represents stage six. It is preceded by a level of immense inner turmoil as personality differences, egos and old core wounds flare up. Eventually, as tensions rise to an explosive level, the only “way out” is to try and escape from the relationship in some shape or form. This process of distancing or “running” can be either physical or psychological, or both.
Often running away from the intense love within a Twin Flame relationship involves returning back to an ex-partner, traveling, silent treatments, constant arguments, workaholism or simply leaving for no clear reason.
In this stage, the Runner often represents the more wounded “younger” soul, and the Chaser often represents the more mature “older” soul. In other words, while one partner is open to the purifying fires of love, the other finds the dissolution of their boundaries intimidating and too much to handle.
When Luna and I got together, we too experienced the twin flame runner and chaser stage. For us, this was a tormenting time because we felt so much love for each other, yet we could barely sit peacefully in the same room together. Almost every day we would argue and clash, sometimes even into the early hours of the morning. While Luna played the role of the (emotional) Runner, I played the role of the Chaser.
For us, this stage carried on for about 6 intense months, and then more mildly for another 1-3 years. However, the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage can vary greatly from couple to couple.
More In-Depth Help
Want to learn more about twin flame runners? In our book Twin Flames & Soulmates, we give more in-depth guidance:
6 Ways to Reunite With Your Twin Flame
If you are in the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage, you might be feeling extremely vulnerable, angry, overwhelmed and confused at the moment.
I want to share with you six tips that have helped us to personally get through this stage. You can read more about the runner and chaser stage in our Twin Flame book:
1. Is your twin flame really trying to hurt you?
Firstly, it’s important that you ensure that you’re not actually in a co-dependent or emotionally abusive relationship. Unfortunately for some couples, this could be a very real possibility. Don’t confuse arguments, differences in character and insecurity for the more sinister forms of manipulation, control, and abuse. If you think this may be a problem for you, read through the three types of emotional abuse.
If you are in a Twin Flame relationship, it will be clear that your partner doesn’t intend to cause you harm. The harm they cause you is unintentional and is a product of their own unresolved pain. However, if you’re in an abusive relationship, it will be clear that the harm your partner causes you is intentional.
2. Think about what it is that triggers you in your partner’s behavior.
A trigger can be anything from a certain look, a tone of voice, a phrase, an action, or anything that “triggers” an emotional response within you. Once you have discovered what it is that triggers you (e.g. when your partner starts becoming opinionated), you may like to ask, “Why does that bother me so much?” Try to go deeper than answers like, “He thinks he knows everything,” or “She isn’t listening to what I’m saying.” Find the emotion that is attached to the trigger – for instance, annoyance, bitterness or resentment – and keep digging deeper. It is likely that you will uncover many harmful ideals, beliefs and personal issues beneath your layers of emotion.
Here is an example: You get offended and aloof every time your partner interrupts you. You then ask, “Why is that?” You get upset because he isn’t respecting what you’re saying. “Why is that a problem?” That’s a problem because it feels like he doesn’t love you. “Why is that an issue?” You feel alone and abandoned. Here we can see that the true issue is the underlying fear of being alone and unappreciated.
3. Learn to openly communicate with your twin flame.
Open communication rarely comes naturally. Instead, it is something that the majority of us have to learn and master throughout our lives. When we fail to communicate openly we hide our emotions, keep our thoughts and perspectives to ourselves, and don’t speak up when something bothers us. If something bothers you about your partner’s behavior it is much better to openly and gently talk with them about it rather than hide it away and let it fester. Open communication is something the two of you should openly discuss and agree to work on. For an excellent open communication guide, we recommend reading “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall Rosenberg.
4. Learn how to empathize with your twin flame’s perspective.
This can be extremely hard to do, especially when you’re caught up in your own perceptions and feelings, but it is worth learning. Why? Developing this skill will help you to develop empathy, and this will help your relationship to mature immensely. We recommend starting with the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness can be practiced through a traditional meditation practice, by learning to live in the moment, by spending time alone in reflection, by mindful breathing, and many other methods. The more proficient you become at learning how to observe instead of react to your emotions, the easier it will be for you to empathize with your Twin Flame. Remember that your partner grew up in a different context and therefore possesses different life experiences, different genetics and a different personality. Remember that what they think, feel and believe is true for them but not necessarily true for you, and respect that.
Twin Flames & Soul Mates:
Learn how to forge true, deep, and enduring twin flame and soul mate love – no matter what stage you’re at, starting right now. This book is for anyone seeking to find and create an authentic, fulfilling, and awakened relationship.
5. Ask, “What am I being taught?”
Whenever you both get into a squabble or experience tension, ask yourself, “What is it that my Twin Flame is trying to teach me through their words or actions right now?” Perhaps you need to develop more patience, understanding or forgiveness. In the end, our twin flames are like vessels through which the harshest, but most valuable lessons of life are transmitted. Only when you open yourself to learning these lessons can you grow as a person.
6. Forgive each other
Realize that each of you carry your own different types of pain. Every argument and every rash and hurtful decision is a product of unresolved pain. When you both learn to understand this, you can both forgive each other and allow the love you feel to cleanse all wounds.
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Twin flames expose the shadow qualities and core wounds within us, helping them to be brought to the light. While this period of your relationship might feel eternal, its purpose is to help you heal, open and learn how to embody unconditionally love.
Are you in the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage? Perhaps you’d like to share with us your experience below.
The first time I passed him in the hallway at work, I recognized him, though I had never seen him before. It felt like I’d known him all my life. It took almost four years for us to speak to one another, but he felt the connection as soon as we started talking. Within ten minutes of giving him my phone number, after several weeks of talking, he called me and left me a voicemail saying that he felt we had a connection. At that time my boyfriend and I had been together just shy of eight years. To call it even a one-sided relationship, would be more than it actually was. He hadn’t touched me in almost six years, there was no intamacy of any kind even attempted by him, but still, I stayed. The moment my twin flame mentioned he felt a connection, I knew that the relationship was coming to an end. I couldn’t leave right away, for financial reasons, but I began saving money immediately. My twin and I would sit and talk, either on the phone, or in person, for hours. We lost all track of time. After I told him I was in love with him, he started to withdraw from me, slowly at first, then bam, he stopped answering my phone calls, rarely responds to my text messages, never texts when he says he will, and almost every interaction we have had since then, has been initiated by me, be it at work, or outside of work. I have been trying to let him go for a year, because, hello, I don’t want another one sided relationship, but something keeps pulling me back. I ended the previously mentioned long term relationship once and for all, nine months ago. Since then, my twin has started counseling to deal with past trauma. He insists he cares about me very much, but he doesn’t know if he is capable of a healthy relationship. It has been draining my soul, but now I understand exactly what is happening. Not only are we in the Runner / Chaser phase, I’m fairly certain that he is also experiencing the Dark Night Of the Soul. Since figuring this out last night, I am more at peace than I have ever been in my life. I told him today exactly what is going on, and that I will give him all the space he needs, but I’m not going anywhere. I will wait as long as I have to, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we belong, and will be together.
This site certainly has all the information and facts I needed concerning this subject and didn’t know who to ask.
I’ve been married to a lovely guy I was never in love with for 19 years. He always seems quite remote, but I believe that he is in love with me. I think I met my soulmate/twinflame about 6 months ago (at a games club), lets call him Twin. Although I feel as if Twin knows he is my mate, he has denied it. The day after I emailed him that I thought I had met my soulmate, his face was so open and glowing. We have been out a few time, but I seem to be expert at saying the wrong thing in texts and emails. One time it was deliberate, I was angry but the other times were jokes which he took the wrong way I have explained, but he sent me a really abusive email. I think a huge part of the problem is that I’m married and sometimes my husband comes with me to the club. Twin and I have only been out together 5 times, three times for lunch and twice to see a rock band. We have hugged – beautiful hugs with him groaning/ mewling in my ear? – which could have ended in a kiss, but I pulled away, something didn’t feel right, I guess.
I confronted him when he stopped replying to texts and emails and he said something so hurtful I passed out and have blotted it out. When I came round, I explained how I felt and how I’ve never felt anything like it before and he said friends? and we shook hands on it. He went away to the USA for 4 weeks to get away from it all. I have always said that if anyone wants a new relationship, they should leave their husband before finding one. This is different though (is it always). I have a reasonably good relationship and if I gave that up, I could end up with no-one. What should I do?
The concept of twin flame souls is new to me and was just discovered. I have been in constant turmoil for several months, crying and not sleeping enough. I have asked the person I love if he believes we are twin souls just this past weekend and he said “absolutely”. We have been friends since elementary school in the 1950’s and were next door neighbors. He has said and I knew that I was the first girl he ever wanted when he became interested in the opposite sex. He never pledged himself to me and I dated other people. I fixed him up with my best friend when we were in high school just to make sure I could keep tabs on him. I have always felt a strong attachment to him. In college, he got his girlfriend pregnant and he married her at 19. I was devastated when he came to tell me, but, what was done was done. They remained together and had another child. He got custody of the children after the divorce. I married at 21 and had 2 boys with my husband in a marriage that lasted 53 years when he died in 2016. Over the years, I would see my friend at class reunions and would hear of him from my mother. He was never shy about letting anyone know how he felt about me. He had an important job with the State and I would sometimes hear his name on the news. After my husband died, I thought I would like to contact him and see how he was doing. He was extremely happy to hear from me, but, let me know that he has been married again for 25 years. He told me he wanted to stay in touch if that was OK with me. That was the end of the conversation. About a year later a mini class reunion was planned and I got one of my good friends to travel with me for the weekend, May 28, 2019. He was there with his wife. I was able to observe them as an unlikely pair. He was absolutely stunned to see me and so happy. When it was time for dinner, I did not dare to sit beside him. So, my friend sat with him and I sat across beside his wife. He looked at me so intently, I had to look away because the message he was sending was very clear. He told my friend that no one ever wanted me as much as he did. She was pretty stunned by that revelation. I tried to ignore his attention, but, when they left he pressed my shoulder in goodbye. I knew at that moment, we were not finished. I don’t know how he got my cell number but he texted
me on June 10, 2019. I was not entirely surprised. He was very open about how he feels about me and what he wants. We live 200 miles apart and even though he is old enough to retire, he cannot bring himself to do so. He cannot and will not divorce his wife and I don’t want him to. We love each other and want to be together, but, it looks like it is impossible. I feel I need to protect him from discovery because he has so much to lose. Our relationship has become an obsession on both sides. We talk on the phone, text and sext all the time. We have shared everything, the good the bad and the ugly. We have a lot in common in regard to politics and social issues and can easily talk to each other. But, the emotion is so intense that I tried to end it. Of course that was impossible. He still loves me, but, I believe the fact that I ran for a week makes him not trust me to stay. He is not as spontaneous as he was. I miss that. We are 6 months into reconnection after our separation of 60 years. We are no longer children and have come to realize how important we are to each other. Maybe we really are Twin Flame Souls.