Our Twin Flames, or Twin Souls, are said to be our perfect vibrational matches in this world.
We unite with our Twin Flames to experience soulful transformation and the fulfillment of our personal potentials in this life.
However, connecting with our Twin Flames is an intense, overwhelming and sometimes excruciating experience. This is because it riles up old fears, wounds and ego blockages. As a result, every Twin Flame relationship eventually experiences what we refer to as the “runner and chaser” dynamic.
This period of life is both complex and extremely distressing for both partners who, deep down, simply desire Union.
What is the Twin Flame Runner and Chaser Dynamic?
When we think about the Twin Flame relationship in terms of stages, the Runner and Chaser dynamic represents stage six. It is preceded by a level of immense inner turmoil as personality differences, egos and old core wounds flare up. Eventually, as tensions rise to an explosive level, the only “way out” is to try and escape from the relationship in some shape or form. This process of distancing or “running” can be either physical or psychological, or both.
Often running away from the intense love within a Twin Flame relationship involves returning back to an ex-partner, travelling, silent treatments, constant arguments, workaholism or simply leaving for no clear reason.
In this stage, the Runner often represents the more wounded “younger” soul, and the Chaser often represents the more mature “older” soul. In other words, while one partner is open to the purifying fires of love, the other finds the dissolution of their boundaries intimidating and too much to handle.
When Luna and I got together, we too experienced the twin flame runner and chaser stage. For us this was a tormenting time because we felt so much love for each other, yet we could barely sit peacefully in the same room together. Almost every day we would argue and clash, sometimes even into the early hours of the morning. While Luna played the role of the (emotional) Runner, I played the role of the Chaser.
For us, this stage carried on for about 6 intense months, and then more mildly for another year. However, the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage can vary greatly from couple to couple.
6 Ways to Reunite With Your Twin Flame
If you are in the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage, you might be feeling extremely vulnerable, angry, overwhelmed and confused at the moment.
I want to share with you six tips that have helped us to personally get through this stage:
1. Is your twin flame really trying to hurt you?
Firstly, it’s important that you ensure that you’re not actually in a co-dependent or emotionally abusive relationship. Unfortunately for some couples, this could be a very real possibility. Don’t confuse arguments, differences in character and insecurity for the more sinister forms of manipulation, control and abuse. If you think this may be a problem for you, read through the three types of emotional abuse in this article.
If you are in a Twin Flame relationship, it will be clear that your partner doesn’t intend to cause you harm. The harm they cause you is unintentional and is a product of their own unresolved pain. However, if you’re in an abusive relationship, it will be clear that the harm your partner causes you is intentional.
2. Think about what it is that triggers you in your partner’s behavior.
A trigger can be anything from a certain look, a tone of voice, a phrase, an action, or anything that “triggers” an emotional response within you. Once you have discovered what it is that triggers you (e.g. when your partner starts becoming opinionated), you may like to ask, “Why does that bother me so much?” Try to go deeper than answers like, “He thinks he knows everything,” or “She isn’t listening to what I’m saying.” Find the emotion that is attached to the trigger – for instance, annoyance, bitterness or resentment – and keep digging deeper. It is likely that you will uncover many harmful ideals, beliefs and personal issues beneath your layers of emotion.
Here is an example: You get offended and aloof every time your partner interrupts you. You then ask, “Why is that?” You get upset because he isn’t respecting what you’re saying. “Why is that a problem?” That’s a problem because it feels like he doesn’t love you. “Why is that an issue?” You feel alone and abandoned. Here we can see that the true issue is the underlying fear of being alone and unappreciated.
3. Learn to openly communicate with your twin flame.
Open communication rarely comes naturally. Instead, it is something that the majority of us have to learn and master throughout our lives. When we fail to communicate openly we hide our emotions, keep our thoughts and perspectives to ourselves, and don’t speak up when something bothers us. If something bothers you about your partner’s behavior it is much better to openly and gently talk with them about it rather than hide it away and let it fester. Open communication is something the two of you should openly discuss and agree to work on. For an excellent open communication guide, we recommend reading “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall Rosenberg.
4. Learn how to empathize with your twin flame’s perspective.
This can be extremely hard to do, especially when you’re caught up in your own perceptions and feelings, but it is worth learning. Why? Developing this skill will help you to develop empathy, and this will help your relationship to mature immensely. We recommend starting with the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness can be practiced through a traditional meditation practice, by learning to live in the moment, by spending time alone in reflection, by mindful breathing, and many other methods. The more proficient you become at learning how to observe instead of react to your emotions, the easier it will be for you to empathize with your Twin Flame. Remember that your partner grew up in a different context and therefore possesses different life experiences, different genetics and a different personality. Remember that what they think, feel and believe is true for them but not necessarily true for you, and respect that.
5. Ask, “What am I being taught?”
Whenever you both get into a squabble or experience tension, ask yourself, “What is it that my Twin Flame is trying to teach me through their words or actions right now?” Perhaps you need to develop more patience, understanding or forgiveness. In the end, our twin flames are like vessels through which the harshest, but most valuable lessons of life are transmitted. Only when you open yourself to learning these lessons can you grow as a person.
6. Forgive each other
Realize that each of you carry your own different types of pain. Every argument and every rash and hurtful decision is a product of unresolved pain. When you both learn to understand this, you can both forgive each other and allow the love you feel to cleanse all wounds.
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Twin flames expose the shadow qualities and core wounds within us, helping them to be brought to the light. While this period of your relationship might feel eternal, its purpose is to help you heal, open and learn how to embody unconditionally love.
Are you in the Twin Flame runner and chaser stage? Perhaps you’d like to share with us your experience below.
I believe I am the flame runner. I met my twin flame 10 years ago and our paths are forever crossing. I love him dearly because he loves me no matter my flaws. The thing is, I’m not so sure why I’m running. One day we were hanging out and he had go to work. As he was leaving, I could feel his gaze on me and when I looked up I saw the most intense need. Like if he was asking me for something but didn’t know how he could make me understand. That gaze shocked me a little bit , because it felt like I was about to be sucked into something I really can’t explain. I had to look away because it was me, it was what I was going through but too scared to share. We’re great friends, but I want a life with him.
Deep down inside I believe we are meant to be together, but we both have so much growing to do.
One day with him gives me so much hope and I want to be better. He teaches me how to live life.
Thank you so much. When I was a freshman in high school, I fell in love with a someone, but I was sexually repressed and felt he was out of my league at the time, especially since I was too oblivious to know that the feeling was mutual. I didn’t want him to know my secrets, so he ended up ignoring me for being dishonest and insincere and generally fake around him. It really hurt at the time, and I’ve been through a lot of trials that helped me put things in perspective and learn to accept my sexuality and stop feeling inferior to everyone and 4 years later, I understand everything I was once oblivious to and I really miss him. And knowing that he is “the one” (because I wouldn’t have become the person I am today if it weren’t for him) means a lot to me because the pain from experience makes me love him even more than I did in the first place.
I met my twin flame 8 years ago. I didn’t realize at the time he was my twin flame. We were great together, talked about everything and we helped one another be successful. I always wanted to please him, but he had been living with someone for 8 years, he said he was leaving when the house sold but it was during the down time, so I walked and moved on feeling he would never leave here. 3 years ago I wrote to him out of the blue and asked if he had ever married and he had not. We started meeting up and once again he said he was leaving her. Never married her after 14 years together. The first time I saw him after 6 years when we looked into one another eyes I saw his heart and soul. I saw his love for me and the hurt that I gave him for leaving him. We met up a few times more and he stood at my front door and said you realize we are connected. I will know when you are ready for me. I also have e-mails that say although you drive me crazy in bed there is so much more between us. Well he left here in Sept. 2016. He bought a home and then he started pushing me away. I felt all the arguments he went through with her the pain, the ups and downs and he told me he need to find himself and he wanted no commitments. Our connection said differently I text him or e-mailed him once a week or every two wees. I finally got to see his new home in Nov. He said all I can give you is FWB and you don’t want that. In Jan. of 2017 I went into the hospital and I text him, I found out he was dating, but he wasn’t dating me. I got to pissed off I fired back and told him he was all about image. He said how can you tell me you love me one minute and put me down the next. but yet he had just told me he was dating others. So needless to say he stopped answering my text messages. It will soon be 2 years since that fight. I still feel him. He makes love to me, kisses me in spirit. He has another woman leaving with him, but I’ve been told that is only for financial reason, no love. I had a dream before I knew about her that there was someone with him, he came to me in the dream, kissed me and said I miss those lips, the next part of the dream he was in bed with her, but he was on one edge and she was on the other edge with all the space between them. This told me they were together, but not really together. Over the last few months I have been hearing music in my head. It use to be old romantic music and once in a while a negative one like, shot in the heart your to blame you give love a bad name. Now all the music is songs like ” Your the inspiration” “I can’t live without your love” ” Hooked on a Feeling” I caught him looking at me 3 times in 30 days on the dating site.. Yea he is on the dating site but someone living with him. Yes he is the runner, I was the chaser. I have not written anything to him since the week after his birthday in Sept. He did thank me for the birthday wish. I feel this songs are telling me he is slowly healing. It would be great if we both healed and got back together before Christmas. I love him more now then I ever did and we are apart. I see his face in front of me, I see us doing things together. I need and want the other me in my life. I hope he returns soon and the third time be charm where we live the rest of our life together. No more runners or chasers needed.