When we have a victim mentality, we filter our entire existence through a paranoid narrow mental lens that is used to perceive other people and reality.
While it’s important to claim the role of victim if we have genuinely been victimized or abused,ย we cannot move on with our lives unless we step out of the victim role and into the survivor role.
Table of contents
- What is a Victim Mentality?
- How Self-Victimization Develops
- 9 Benefits of Being a Victim
- The Dark Side of Playing the Victim
- 23 Signs of the Victim Mentality
- How to Stop Being a Victim
- How to Deal With the Victim Complex in Other People
- What is a Victim Complex?
- What is the Difference Between Victim Mentality and Victim Complex ?
- 14 Signs of the Victim Complex
- How to Deal With Self-Proclaimed Victims
What is a Victim Mentality?
Victim mentality is a psychological term that refers to a type of dysfunctional mindset which seeks to feel persecuted in order to gain attention or avoid self-responsibility. People who struggle with the victim mentality are convinced that life is not only beyond their control, but is out to deliberately hurt them. This belief results in constant blame, finger-pointing, and pity parties that are fuelled by pessimism, fear, and anger.
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Simply put, having a victim mentality means that you blame other people and circumstances for the unhappiness you feel.
How Self-Victimization Develops
No one is born with a victim mentality, just as no one is born clinically depressed or anxious. Instead, the victim mentality is an acquired personality trait, meaning that it is the result of early life conditioning and coping mechanisms.
Most victims were victimized in some way as children, whether that was through physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse or psychological abuse. Self-victimization can also develop through the codependent relationships we had with our parents, or simply by observing and adopting the unhealthy victim mentality exhibited by one or more of our family members.
However, although what happens to us as children is completely beyond our control, it is our responsibility as adults to step into our power and reclaim responsibility for our happiness.
9 Benefits of Being a Victim
Playing the victim actually has a number of juicy perks. These rewards make it very difficult to break out of such a mindset, which is why most victims seem to be so emotionally invested in perpetuating this type of toxic behavior.
Some of the perks include the following:
- Not having to take responsibility for anything
- Other people lavishing you with attention
- Other people feeling sorry for you
- Other people are less likely to criticize or upset you
- You have the โrightโ to complain
- Youโre more likely to get what you want
- You feel interesting because you get to tell people all of your stories
- You donโt have to feel bored because thereโs too much drama going on
- You get to avoid and bypass anger because youโre too busy feeling sad
Can you see some underlying patterns starting to emerge here?
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Playing the victim actually gives you a lot of power: power to avoid responsibility, power to feel โrighteouslyโ sad and persecuted, power to avoid uncomfortable emotions, and power to manipulate other people.
The Dark Side of Playing the Victim
The majority of people who play the victim do so unconsciously, or unintentionally. Even so, the victim role does involve a tremendous amount of manipulation and string-pulling. People in relationships or friendships with victims often report feeling like puppets who mold into whatever the victim believes they are or wants them to be.
Having other people feel sorry for you is an easy way to wrap them around your little finger. This unconscious craving to control others through their sympathies is really only a way for the mind to reinforce its belief in the โIโm a victimโ ego identity.
There is a lot of comfort and artificial โsafetyโ in playing the victim identity. Not only does it reward you with not having to take responsibility for any of your behavior (because โother peopleโ are always responsible), but it also prevents you from feeling uncomfortable emotions like guilt and anger, while at the same time making you feel โcared forโ by others.
Playing the victim is also often used by abusive and/or sociopathic people who use this role to keep a tight emotional leash on those close to them. For example, a narcissistic person might constantly put down their partner, then fixate on the one time their partner snapped and called them a โmonster,โ making it seem like they are in fact the โabused one.โ Or a physically abusive person might use the excuse that they โalways have to put up with the other personโ as a reason for beating up their partner.
As we can see, the โpoor meโ attitude can be used on both sides of the human spectrum: both seemingly โnormalโ people and more extreme and dysfunctional psychopathic people. For example, in codependent relationships, self-victimization can be used by the enabler and the abuser, and sometimes both at the same time in a kind of power struggle.
There is no one โtypeโ of person that fits into the victim role, so itโs wrong to say that only narcissists or sociopaths adopt this role. I have personally seen all types of people play this role: from sweet old grandmothers to teenagers, mothers, fathers, professionals, and even โspiritually awakenedโ people.
23 Signs of the Victim Mentality
Are you, or is someone you love, playing the victim? Here are some common signs to look out for:
- Youโre constantly blaming other people or situations for feeling miserable
- You possess a โlife is against meโ philosophy
- Youโre cynical or pessimistic
- You see your problems as catastrophes and blow them out of proportion
- You think others are purposely trying to hurt you
- You believe youโre the only one being targeted for mistreatment
- You keep reliving past painful memories that made you feel like a victim
- Even when things go right, you find something to complain about
- You refuse to consider other perspectives when talking about your problems
- You feel powerless and unable to cope effectively with a problem or life in general
- You feel attacked when youโre given constructive criticism
- You believe youโre not responsible for what happens in your life (others are)
- You believe that everyone is โbetter offโ than you
- You seem to enjoy feeling sorry for yourself
- You attract people like you (who complain, blame, and feel victimized by life)
- You believe that the world is a scary, mostly bad, place
- You enjoy sharing your tragic stories with other people
- You have a habit of blaming, attacking, and accusing those you love for how you feel
- You feel powerless to change your circumstances
- You expect to gain sympathy from others, and when you donโt get it, you feel upset
- You refuse to analyze yourself or improve your life
- You tend to โone-upโ people when it comes to sharing traumatic experiences
- Youโre constantly putting yourself down
As we can see, the permanent sense of being a victim is deeply destructive both internally, and externally.
How to Stop Being a Victim
If youโre reading this article because you suspect that you might be clinging to a victim mentality, here are some tips that can help you step out of this toxic role:
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1. Start replacing โyouโ with โIโ
For example, instead of saying โyou make me feel so angry,โ you can replace that statement with, โI feel so angry when I hear you say that.โ This simple trick can help you learn to take more self-responsibility for your happiness.
2. See yourself as a survivor
A victim argues with life, a survivor embraces it. A victim dwells in the past, a survivor lives in the present. A victim believes theyโre helpless, a survivor takes back control over their life. Although the victim mentality is addictive, the survivor mentality is much more empowering in the long term. Once you start seeing yourself as a survivor, youโll begin to feel better about life and you’ll attract other people for the right reasons. Listening to a survivor is much more refreshing and inspiring than listening to a victim wallow in self-pity.
3. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself
In other words, be careful about becoming a victim of being a victim! This role isn’t something you choose: you developed it as a result of childhood conditioning. Be gentle with yourself and practice self-love. Explore your core wounds and core beliefs that compound your victim identity, and replace self-loathing with self-compassion. If youโre struggling to get past the victim role, practice self-care by seeing a therapist. Experiment with practices such as journaling, affirmations, NLP, CBT, and other forms of self-love. If you’d like a guided approach to deeper self-love, you may be interested in our Self-Love Journal.
4. Explore your mistaken beliefs
Mistaken beliefs create anxiety, depression, anger, and blame. A lot of these beliefs are lodged in the shadow side of our psyche, and can only be explored through deep shadow work. You will probably be stunned by how many types of mistaken beliefs you have unknowingly adopted!
5. Ask โWhat thought is creating this suffering?โ
All suffering originates in beliefs that go unquestioned and unexamined in our minds. When we attach to these thoughts, we suffer. Remember that you donโt need to believe the thoughts in your head: thoughts are simply fluctuations of energy that we assign meaning to. Practicing meditation can help you notice how transient thoughts are.
6. Practice being thankful
Gratitude is a simple but powerful way to remind yourself that life is not as miserable as you perceive it to be. Each day, try to find ten things that youโre thankful for. You might like to keep a gratitude journal in which you write these ten things down, or simply name them mentally. Try to feel sincerely thankful for having these things.
Learn more about how to journal.
7. Affirm self-responsibility
Start to notice all the ways you bypass self-responsibility. Be ruthlessly honest and examine how gaining sympathy from others makes you feel special and continues the cycle of pointing the finger at others. You might like to use an affirmation such as โI am responsible for my lifeโ or โI am empowered to create changeโ to help you reprogram this unconscious need to play the victim. You might also like to do something that builds your confidence and actually shows you that youโre capable โฆ or reflect on something in the past that you overcame successfully.
8. Perform an act of kindness for another
When we play the victim we tend to be solely focused on ourselves. Get yourself out of your head by doing something nice for another person you love. Realizing that you can feel good without manipulating another person is an important way to cut the addiction the self-victimization.
How to Deal With the Victim Complex in Other People
Weโve all met those people who are perpetually moping and complaining about their lives.
These people seem to carry around the belief that the world is against them and appear to almost enjoy feeling miserable. In the field of psychology, these people are referred to as individuals who suffer from a victim complex; a type of neurosis that revolves around obtaining pity from other people.
What is a Victim Complex?
The victim complex is a mindset that develops through life and is triggered mainly through childhood conditioning. People who suffer from the victim complex perpetually see themselves as the victims of other people or circumstances. This warped self-perception leads to the desire to gain affection and attention from other people while simultaneously avoiding self-responsibility and blame.
What is the Difference Between Victim Mentality and Victim Complex?
They both sound so similar … so what is the actual difference?
While both can (and do) overlap, the victim mentality is more of a common issue. Most people struggle with a victim mentality at one point or another during life. The victimย complex,ย on the other hand, is an insidious and deeply rooted behavioral pattern that defines a person’sย entireย outlook on life. Unlike the victim mentality (which generally tends to be short-lived), the victim complex can define a person’s life for years, even an entire lifetime.
In other words, the victim complex is far more serious and pathological than the victim mentality.
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14 Signs of the Victim Complex
People suffering from the victim complex will display a large percentage of the following symptoms:
- They will constantly put themselves down
- They will blame other people or situations for feeling miserable
- Theyโll refuse to analyze themselves in order to feel better about life
- They have a โlife is against meโ philosophy
- They feel powerless or helpless to change their circumstances
- They think others are purposely trying to hurt them
- They enjoy sharing their tragic stories with others
- Even when things go well, they still find something to complain about
- They believe that the world is a mostly bad and dangerous place
- They get upset and reactive when given constructive criticism
- They believe that everyone is โbetter offโ than them
- They tend to blame, attack, and accuse those they love for how they feel
- They see their problems as catastrophes and blow them out of proportion
- They donโt take responsibility for their happiness
I realize how frustrating living with, working with, or simply being around a self-proclaimed victim can be. I have dealt with my fair share of those struggling with victim complexes, but the important thing to remember here is that these people are genuinely suffering as a result of their mindset. These people genuinely believe that they are helpless and are at the complete mercy of other people and life. This learned helplessness is not developed as a way of manipulating you (although it can be used that way), it was developed as a result of early life abuse. So itโs important that we show compassion to the people in our lives suffering from victim complexes, without of course enabling their warped self-perception.
How to Deal With Self-Proclaimed Victims
So the question now is, how can you deal with victims without hurting them?
Handling those who struggle with the victim complex can be tricky, particularly because direct confrontation only reinforces their sense of being persecuted. Here are some tips that might help you:
1. Donโt get sucked into their feelings
Remember that victims are unconsciously seeking attention and validation. However, when you grant what they want, you will become emotionally entangled with them, which is bad for both you and them. Try to be a passive listener, without actively involving yourself in their pity party. Remember that they will look to you for sympathy as a way of reinforcing their victim mentality, but donโt give it to them. Simply remain neutral, unless you decide to practice point 3 (below).
2. Make it their problem
Victim complex sufferers will always find a way to pin blame and responsibility onto another person as a way of bypassing self-responsibility. They will also try to get you to agree with them to bolster their sense of feeling โright.โ Instead of agreeing, express how much confidence you have in their ability to handle the situation as mature adults.
3. Agree wholeheartedly
This practice uses a little bit of reverse psychology: go along with their resistance completely so that you completely blow the problem out of proportion. So if the victim is saying how terrible their life is at the moment, agree with them: life truly is awful and horrendous for them. This tactic can cause the victim to change their tune, saying, โwell I guess life isnโt that bad โฆโ
4. Donโt give advice
The truth is that victims donโt want to solve their problems, because that would undermine their sense of being victimized! Therefore giving advice to them is equivalent to speaking to a wall: youโre wasting your breath. When victims seek for โadvice and counselโ what theyโre really wanting is evidence that you care. This is the sad thing about victims: they confuse pity with love.
Try practicing these pieces of advice and youโll find that the victim either starts taking responsibility for their life or seeks sympathy elsewhere. Either way, you wonโt have to be the victimโs โvictimโ anymore.
Finally, donโt forget that the victim complex is a form of mental illness. Keep an open and compassionate heart, but donโt be an enabler.
***
The victim mentality and victim complex are truly insidious and destructive forms of behavior โ they taint friendships, ruin relationships, and destroy your self-esteem. But through applying the advice in this article, hopefully you will feel inspired and empowered rather than victimized by what is happening to you.
Do you struggle with the victim mentality? Or perhaps you have a loved one or colleague who suffers from the victim complex. Feel free to share and vent below!
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This article is good for people who know if they act like victims and blame others they don’t have to take responsibility for their lives. On the other hand there are so many people out there who genuinely are made into victims by life because no matter how hard they work toward anything, things don’t change. After a while they give up, lose zest for life and drag their lives to the grave, one day at a time. But still the whole internet is full of sham advice that being a victim is an adopted mindset and can be changed. Well, no it can’t be changed, some people will bear their burden but don’t blame others for their lives and their circumstances. Such people are real victims and no amount of psychotherapy or online advice will help because life will not cut any slack for them.
I see no distinction between the two other than one blames other people and the other blames their circumstances. Ultimately we’re all free to change our perception of our circumstances, if we choose not to, then it makes us victims. A quick trip to a third world country shows us that often some of the people in the worst situations seem to have the zest for life that you couldn’t find in the wealthiest of individuals. As Oscar Wilde put it; ‘We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.’
I thought I did a good job of clearly differentiating between victims who blame others and victims who don’t blame anyone but genuinely are victims. But it is clear you didn’t get it, may be you are not open to accept that the genuine victims of life don’t blame anyone or their circumstances. They just keep trying till they have energy and once they realise no matter how hard they try things don’t change, they accept and move on. These people don’t cry out loud that they are victims and everyone should give them special treatment.
The world is out to get me but I don’t let it bother me.
“The world is not flat, the world is not round
The world is square but it won’t bring me down” T Bone Burnette, 7 Times Hotter Than Fire
Mum is a very stubborn victim. She makes me do whatever she wants. I couldn’t talk to her because every time I made a hint, she started to cry. This summer I told myself I’d tell her no matter what because we both needed it. She ended up in the hospital with life threatening high blood pressure. After a while she recovered and we started to talk about spirituality but she sees everyone’s mistakes just not hers… People are still hurting her and so on… And I still have to do everything she wants because if I say no it’s such a drama it’s not worth it. She believes it’s my duty to make her feel happy and accomplished and she takes my successes as her own. And when I do things my way, she considers I’m doing a huge mistake and cries to force me to give up. When I decided to go vegan, she would cry if I didn’t eat the meat she cooked. When I resigned the military, she went sick because I ruined her dream. She made me lie to everyone that I was still working. She lives through me and she doesn’t want to see that what she feels is not love at all, it’s just emptiness… When I tell her to take responsibility for her happiness and do something about it herself not expect it from others, she believes that I don’t love her and I don’t want to make her happy. Her greatest wish is we living together and doing her favorite hobby which I don’t really enjoy. I feel like I’m going crazy because I don’t want to hurt her, but accepting to be manipulated hurts me very much every time I choose (I know it’s my choice) to listen to her and not be free. I’m 30 it’s not like I’m an irresponsible child… I thought I tried everything , but I haven’t thought about 3 from “How to Deal With Self-Proclaimed Victims” :)))))) Must try it. Thank you fir the tips.
This article is very deceptive. It โsellsโ itself as a self help support for those in a victim mentality, but the article is couched more as a support for those who are clearly struggling to deal with victims and those who are dealing with victim mentality syndrome. Some good points are made but itโs highly insensitive and ineffective to the plight of those actually trying to heal. It is more of a scapegoat that encourages the labeling of victims which is actually self defeating.
I disagree. I think this article is great in understanding victim mentality. I have that default setting of victim mentality from childhood and I work on this every day to that I don’t repeat the victim cycle. I found this a great read and enables me to examine my thoughts and behaviours more as well as other people. My mother has a victim complex. I never knew that until my friend pointed this out. Since gaining that insight and reading these articles, I can truly address that behaviour.
My father has this attitude after being raised in an orphanage. I have MS and have applied this tactic to get my husband to help out as he has fairly significant narcissism… and now my daughter does the same, feigning illness to get attention at school. I am in therapy… is there much hope here do you think. Great article, btw.
There’s always hope Kate, I’m sorry you’re having to go through that but you’re doing well in seeing that therapist which hopefully provides you with a safe space to allow yourself to experience your needs. It’s important to establish strong boundaries when dealing with narcissistic family members, one tactic if they’re abusive verbally is to call them out subtly by asking a rhetorical question such as “Who would do/say such a thing?”. Narcissists are very self-conscious when spotlighted like that.
Thank you for writing so eloquently on such an important topic for our times. What people are about to find out about about this world will likely put masses of people into this victim consciousness – and sadly, this is the next trap!
My goodness, I’ve done the victim role before, but I worked on myself and got passed it (with determination). I have since helped others do the same.
I would add that your thoughts and words (as well as actions, of course) are SO important. For example, my mother used to go around telling everyone she was “elderly and frail” when she was trying to get people to help her. Guess what? She BECAME “elderly and frail” ! I had to work on her for many years. When I eventually drew that part of it to her attention, she was blown away, and realized it to be the truth. So be careful of how you speak about yourself – because the universe will assume that is what you want, and give it to you!
The next trap once you get out of victim consciousness is the “rescuer” archetype – I’ve done this one as well.
There’s some interesting work on the victim-perpetrator-rescuer triangle that’s really worth a read too.
Psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists …… I’ve done it all! But I am a rather formidable person as a result – I am a survivor. I now appreciate these experiences, and even the people who perpetrated violence and other vile behaviours! I now understand that my soul needed to have these experiences and that, on this level of existence, these folk are the truly damaged ones who likely have hard times ahead. Even, on some level of existence, these people may be some of my best friends who agreed to give these experiences to me to help me grow.
It isn’t easy to reach these conclusions when you’ve been through some horrific things – as I certainly have – but if you are prepared to do the work, you CAN overcome it all. Then you begin to only attract those of similar vibration into your life, and the unconscious ones simply melt away.
Love to you all – remember – YOU CAN DO THIS.
Thank you Joanna for sharing the struggle of your journey with this topic, you’re a true a warrior and I’m sure others will be inspired and comforted by your words knowing there’s a way out of these toxic dynamics between people.
Another handy term for others to look into more if they’re involved in a relationship with a narcissist is “narcissist abuse syndrome” or “trauma bonding” which is basically a form of Stockholm syndrome common in parental or romantic relationships. This can lead to issues such as “trauma re-enactment” where we seek out relationships that resemble past abusive ones we’ve become accustomed to.
Hey guys,
This article was the way I was lashed with when I said my feelings of hurt to my so called friends…
Having read thru it I can only say it is true what you have said…I have done those things and I have manipulated people in the past…and hated it…the start to end…hence I started distancing myself more so that I won’t have any effect on the people….
Unfortunately I am in the same situation and am being criticized of doin. It….again…
If this is what I am…if I can’t seem to change myself…is my life worth living at all…
A beautiful article I hope to have read at a better state of mind and time…to understand contemplate and change
A
sorry for my spelling and bad grammar, english is not my first language. I most definetly feel like a victim sometimes. I have been conditioned this way, when i was hurt or something bad happened, my mother would protect me by blaming the other people i was around, learning me that im the victim and the world ows me. My mother loves me, im sure, its just that she may have som issues that she does not see and have projected onto me. so every time i feel like im being critisized or that someone says something that i find hurtful i cower into the victim role. this is the shadow, and now that i see it i can change it. I hope you get out of the state you are in. Don’t hate yourself so much, ive been there, stil am sometimes, it sucks. You are not alone in this world my friend, the world is still out there waiting for you (the real you) and its never to late to be the one you should be. so I hope you get something out of my rambeling. have a good day :)
While trying to heal from a traumatic experience (and only finding the advice of “stop playing the victim”), I realized something. Society has morphed the term victim. My breakthrough came when I realized that there is a difference between “playing the victim” and actually being legitimately victimized. It’s as unhealthy to accept responsibility for everything as it is to deny responsibility for everything. Sometimes things just happen, circumstances are outside of your control, people hurt or screw you over. You don’t cause, create, or deserve everything that happens to you, but you’re responsible for how you choose to deal with it.
Seeking sympathy and drama is one thing but Licking your wounds in private (or trying to) and being judged publicly is another. I am all for healing in a healthy way, moving forward, etc. But if Iโm angry, or sadโor both, and I wanna stew for a bit (and my people donโt mind listening if I need an ear)โI donโt see a problem with that as long as I donโt stay there. My question is this: to avoid public pity and judgment while in my funk what do I have to do to get some space? Iโm not really engaging and Iโm trying to keep my negativity to myself. Yes, โeverybody strugglesโitโs what you do with the struggleโโbut my question is: what do you do in the interim? Please advise.
Very exact, precise core evaluation of victim mentality. Thank you