(This post differs from the usual approach I’ve taken to my articles here on lonerwolf. It’s a more simple, contemplative, and reflective piece, with no necessarily “actionable tips.” Let me know if you enjoy this format in the comments, as well as your own reflections.)
In my attempt to try and make peace with the seismic shift that joyfully destroys all semblance of the old that is new parenthood, I was recently reading the book When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. Pretty apt name, wouldn’t you say? ;)
This verse struck me – and I managed to capture it in a photo complete with a magical-looking sunbeam and everything:
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.
Take a moment to re-read that quote again, more slowly this time.
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.
When I read this sentence, I immediately paused. It felt like striking gold. This is at the heart of the awakening journey, I realized, yet it’s so often glossed over, bypassed, or not even known.
The truth is that awakening is destructive. Growth is destructive. Expansion is destructive.
For a muscle to get stronger, its fibers must be damaged and injured first.
For a chick to hatch from an egg, it must peck free from the shell that was its original home.
For new stars and planets to form, old galaxies must collide.
For potato chips to be edible, they have to cook at absurdly high heat.
There’s very little discussion in the spiritual or psychological spheres of the topic of creative destruction. I think that’s because we’re scared of the thought, and it’s certainly not marketable or appealing to capitalism.
But the fact is that on the awakening path, we will all face creative destruction in the form of an existential crisis, a spiritual emergency, a dark night of the soul, or some other challenge that shakes the foundations of our reality sooner or later.
Life falling apart feels like:
- Not knowing the answers anymore
- Feeling disconnected from yourself and others
- Difficulty knowing “who you are” or “what you want” anymore (aka., identity crisis)
- Having the sense that you’re falling or the ground has crumbled beneath your feet
- Losing interest in what once excited or motivated you
- Finding that the things that once comforted you no longer have that impact
- Feeling lost, aimless, and adrift in life
If you’re experiencing any of these feelings or sensations, I want you to know that they’re a normal part of the awakening process.
Pathologizing this experience, in many cases, only tends to make things worse.
Ruminating on this experience, trying to resist it, or desperately trying to change it, also tends to add salt to the wound.
This is a friendly message today to say that awakening is not only destructive but it is inherently and fundamentally destructive, as the old must die before the new can emerge.
So relax a little.
Don’t take the process so seriously. Be a curious observer of this experience knowing that it too will pass. The only constant, after all, is change.
Of course, if you’re completely crippled by anxiety and unable to function, please seek help. Find a 1:1 trauma-informed guide or counselor, and be conscious of the amplitude of dodgy spiritual guidance out there.
However, if you simply have that unnerving feeling that things are falling apart – that your old strategies of self-protection, your finely tuned self-image, or your previously straightforward approach to life are no longer working – know that it’s going to be okay.
While it’s unpleasant to stand within the fire of transformation, to watch as the floor collapses beneath you, it is an essential part of the spiritual wanderer’s journey. (I explore this more in our comprehensive Spiritual Wanderer Course.)
There are so many people out there who will dramatize this experience and use it to fuel a sense of ego-centered victim mentality. It attracts a lot of likes and followers, you see. ;)
But in the end, that approach gets us nowhere.
This obsession with dramatizing creative destruction was incidentally one of the reasons why I was extremely protective of my mind and what entered it during pregnancy – a notoriously sensitive time where life often tends to fall apart in one way or another – and managed to stay relatively calm and healthy throughout as a result.
So embrace the in-between state of creative destruction. Poet John Keats called it Negative Capability, which in a letter from 1818 he defined as:
… when man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason …
Here are a couple of questions you might like to contemplate or journal about right now if you’re going through a period of creative destruction, or things falling apart:
- What is being destroyed within myself or my life right now?
- How is that empty space offering a chance for me to awaken and grow more deeply and fully?
Do you have any thoughts or perspectives? I’d love to hear them below.
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This is what childbirth and parenthood could be called
don’t forget about the “ Blues” after birth Wish your whole family so many blessings I’ve been on your journey for many a year. Decade ?
Thank you both for being here 🙏👆💯
As a disabled veteran from my time in the Army in the 80’s, and two abusive marriages, I felt like life was constantly falling apart for me, over the past 40 years. That is….. till I embraced the pain and journeyed through it. But still had a long way to go. I shifted my way of thinking through many different healing practices. I tried raising my vibration by forgiving the past and practicing positive thinking. I tried seeing myself as a strong, independent woman and not as a victim till I truly believed it. I was of the mindset that, I was doing great. I had a home, and all the things society tells us we need to be happy. Then last fall I woke one day raging. I was so angry, but did not know why. Everything felt wrong. All the material possessions made me sick to my stomach. I just knew where I was in life wasn’t working. I needed to be free. So I put the house on the market, gave my kids my things and have been on a path this past year. Although I feel isolated from others, as most do not understand my calling… Read more »
I liked your advice on dealing with adversity and uncertainty. I try to give up attachments, for me hard to do in practice. Some big changes coming up for me, so this week’s advice will help me get thru the storm if it comes. Thanks for your work
This was enormously comforting right now. Havent read any of your articles for a while now and this one struck me right in the heart. You expressed things perfectly that I ve been noticing feeling and realizing for quite some time now. In Yoga it is called Vairagya, letting go of every single thing until nothing is left but stillness peace and openness. The path itself is in a way the most horrible thing imaginable and often times there comes the next more devastating event just when you think youve passed the worst point. Thats the exact moment when the decision for trust, connectedness and love needs to be the strongest. Allowing the most terrible pain to flow through you and believing strongly that everything is fundamentally okay.
Thank You so much!
Johannes
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche on the impermanence of the world:
“The bad news is that you are falling, with no parachute and nothing to hold onto.
The good news is that there’s no ground.”
I have this taped to a door in my house. The first time I read this, I laughed out loud, and smiled all the rest of the day thinking about it. This seems to be my response to that which feels true, which seems to have been a common occurrence throughout my life. It’s reassuring to read this when life seems to be confusing. Raising a family gives one many opportunities to experience this. :-)
Perhaps you have already discovered this quote.
A friend offered me this quote that she got from somewhere:
“Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.”
May you never quite reach the ground and may you find flexibility within you when you most need it.
Much love to everyone.
First if all, to be honest, for me life fell apart with the birth of my first child, and then the second, and no matter how much you wanted parenthood, you’re not prepared to it. At least I wasn’t. To me, it was a real hard two decades. Sure mixed with beauty and joy, but hard anyway, being a single parent and living on the brim of poverty because I wasn’t able to work. That’s what I consider the term ‘life falls apart’ to be. No money. Not belonging to the ‘normal’ society. Not being able to give your kids what other kids have. Yes I know, it’s all materialistic but anyway, it exhaustes you beyond belief. I was exposed to annihilation. It surely made me to what I am right now, though I wasn’t overly materialistic even before I had kids. Hardly anything scares me right now, but the line between indifference and serenity is fine and sometimes I wonder if I’ve become just indifferent. Right now it seems the whole world is falling apart. Sure enough to give space for something new, and I know it and that’s fine. But it comes along with so much brutality, war,… Read more »
I am a lone wolf living in the U.S. I am trying to live in the moment, one day at a time. The election has really tested my equanimity and peace, I am grief-stricken at the future prospects of repealing environmental protections most of all. Mother Earth is already so wounded. How much more can she take? I am very much feeling things falling apart, but your page helps me and others stay grounded, and I thank you. Blessings to your precious new life, Sage!