What’s Wrong With Being a Loner?

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The media equates us with the mentally ill psychotics who go on murderous rampages.  Society follows with resounding cries of:  "no friends, no fun!  No friends no fun!"  And we, the loners, feel an immense pressure to change ourselves.  We want to hide our faces in shame, increasingly rejecting ourselves more and more, and our way of life.  So what's wrong with being a loner exactly?

1#  The Only Problem With Being A Loner Is Whether You Have A Problem With It.

In the end, you are the one who determines how you feel about yourself and other people.  It's true that nothing can hurt you unless you let it.  Unfortunately, many loners have a problem with being loners.  These involuntary loners have a problem with themselves firstly because they aren't accustomed to being alone.

For instance, they may have found that through death, estrangement, poverty, or other misfortunes, that they have lost friends or family.  Consequently, these people may have fallen into depression and distanced themselves from others, becoming loners.  They may have also failed to re-establish connections with people after the shock of their life situation.

Secondly, many involuntary loners look for their self worth externally.   When they observe the ideal of the "social butterfly" in all the magazines, Facebook walls, TV shows, books, movies and other media that floods their existence, they see how far they have fallen short.  As a loner, I used to hate reading the blatherings of Facebook statuses, and how social everyone sounded.  I felt depressed and perpetually like the outsider, the weirdo, and the lonely loner.  This is the perfect example of how low self esteem can lead you to compare yourself with others.  If you aren't esteemed by other people, then immediately your own self esteem drops.  Loners who fall into this category do not accept themselves because they aren't accepted by others.

And thirdly, involuntary loners may have previously found their joy and stimulation outside of themselves.  They therefore find it hard to accept and adapt to their situation.  Through one reason or another, these loners may find themselves alone and alienated from other people.  Immediately they find that no friends = no fun, and they wilt and fade by themselves, feeling bored and lonely.

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So Why Are Loners So Disliked?

From school kids ostracizing us as being "weird losers", to news columns condemning us as being serial rapists, loners have dealt with a lot over the past century.  Take a close look at the following picture I took from searching the word "loner" a couple of months ago:

Notice how the word loner is constantly applied to tragic circumstances and the mentally unstable?  As journalist Anneli Rufus points out in her Loner's Manifesto, "loner" is a word crime writers love to use.  It is constantly applied to what she calls pseudo-loners who, because of rejection, seek revenge.  "They do not wish to be alone", she writes, "their dislike of being alone is what drives them to violence."

Basically, these people rely on others and need others to validate their existence, to build reputations, and to be accepted into social clans.   Not being accepted burns.  Being cheated by people burns even more.

What initiates the majority of violence, as pointed out by Rufus, is not being something - in this case a loner - but feeling something.  "Anger.  Envy.  Desire.  Betrayal.  Resentment.  Rejection.  Love".  All these emotions are intimately bound up with other people - they are social motives, far removed from the quiet, self-sufficient loner.  However, to make things fair, loners are not exempt from committing crimes.  In the cases where loners truly are responsible for horrible crimes, we must not lose sight of the many social, charmingly gregarious criminals there have been: Capone, Heinrich Himmler, Bernard Madoff, Don Lapre, Ted Bundy.

So why does the media favor the loner-lunatic cliche so much anyway?  I can see two different reasons why.  Firstly, people don't like what they can't understand.  It's very easy to understand the need for social interaction and friendship.  It's harder to understand why others like solitude however.  Don't you feel lonely?  No.  Don't you feel depressed?  No.  Do you hate people?  No.  Then why are you by yourself?  I like it that way.  What??  

If you've never tried fried ice cream you won't like it.  Similarly, if you haven't experienced the clarity and wholeness found in solitude, you will lack an understanding of those people who do.  This can easily result in rejecting others out of confusion and fear of what we can't comprehend.  Hence why loners are ostracized and consistently thought of negatively.

The second reason is that since loners are already thought negatively of, the word "loner" is perfect for crime cases which demand a certain air of negativity and mystery.  Labeling killers continually as "loners" is the perfect psychological trick to separate the psychopaths from the 'normal' people.  They like being alone?  We don't understand that!  They must be crazy!

Journalists like separating the murderous lunatics from the pack.  No one wants to think that any normal citizen would commit such atrocious crimes.  It's a self denial and self defense, on that says "no one like me could do that".  So the loner is further ostracized, even to the point of losing their own humanity.


I have known, been friends with, and read the stories of many loners. Charity working loners, thumb-sucking loners, book-reading loners, all perfectly content in their quiet world - not hateful towards humanity, or vengeful, or disturbed.

When you ask yourself what's wrong with being a loner, keep in mind that the very people who make you ask that question are fundamentally ignorant, confused and many times afraid of the unknown world of loners.  All it takes to understand something is to ask questions and go exploring.  If this is not even attempted blind prejudice - like that towards loners, can easily occur.


If you have any opinions, feel free to add them to this discussion below.  Also, feel free to take our Loner Test.

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  • ian

    this is so sad like me :(

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Why is it sad Ian?

  • getagrip

    A MAN WITH NO PEOPLE CANNOT BE BETRAYED i love and live by that

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      A man with no people cannot be loved either, or give love.

  • getagrip

    im a loner and love it my brothers a loner and loves it i couldnt imagine being pretend freinds with the usual pretend BS at work and so called social areas of life

    i like watching people developer these needy pretend freindships its so sad, i am now living in a totally new place were the culture is small mindedness and everyone knowing each others bizniz A ISLAND IN THE SEA with 60k people on it

    dont get me wrong having friendly thoughtful types around is lovely BUT IM STILL A LONER thru and thru

    i started at a new job here and so did a rather posh university graduate in the office,she has become one of the gang at work thru pure fakness like getting up and joining in with people she only new 3 minutes LOL to sing at the xmas work party, watching this i need to be accepted thing unfold before me was funny as i like to study people im a person watcher like to see there mask slip….

    i have 3 kids and was a dedicated dad but still a loner but family wise not,my family broke down because there mother was mentally ill and a secret gambling addict she stole thousands from me and my mother,even defrauded her eill when she died and stole the funerwl funds SHE WAS VERY SICK

    after i ended up alone my kids have turned out rotten to people have said how do you shrug it all off and just live on I REPLY I WAS A LONER THEN I AM NOW BEING ALONE DOESNT BOTHER ME

    i have a partner and step kids but live as tho alone everyone accepts it my misses loves the way i am a happy go lucky kindly soul with out a single friend I COULDNT GIVE A TOSS im happy being a jurk to others

    nothing bores me more than PRETEND HAPPINESS like new years partys and that kind of FORCED ON ME BS…

    give me hard power walks exercise movies a games console a tv and some great sex I COULDNT CARE LESS WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS the most amazing inteligent loving people iv ever met are loners

    my brother has one freind and me his brother he lets say makes his living a wee bit noughty he helps people lets say get a smoke wink wink

    he interacts with these people to make his living then is totally alone AND COULDNT CARE LESS he likes nothing better than being alone counting his money GOOD FOR HIM

    he isnt mean or selfish he does huge fire work nights every year and invites familys and kids they turn up or they dont HE IS A NICE PERSON if no one came he would happily dobthe fire works for his own entertainment and couldnt care less

    us loners are great people

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Loners are often some of the most genuine people — that is often why they prefer to be alone. Thanks for sharing getagrip.

  • Andrea

    I really liked this article, and this is only one of many very good ones on this site. I think I like your writings also because they seem to come from a place of peace and calm, which (or the opposite of it) I usually tend to sense when I read stuff :)
    I really resonate with this, I think I could say I’m a loner, but the description of involuntary vs. voluntary made me think a bit, because there had been times in my life when I was convinced that what would make me happy is to go and meet people, and I felt a some kind of obsessive urge to do this, blaming myself constantly of “doing the wrong thing” when not going out and choosing to stay alone.
    But actually a few weeks ago it came to me that when I was a child, it used to be quite natural to me to play alone, do stuff alone. Yes, I’d been playing with other children as well, but I was mostly the “silent observer”, and it didn’t seem to bother me back then. But I also remember that my parents were constantly telling me that I should go out to play much more with other children, I should be more sociable, that it’s not good if I am a loner etc etc. So my wild guess is that this might have somehow programmed it into my mind that being alone = not good, and it might have been the source of later self-blaming, and suffering when I actually did something that would have made me happy (doing stuff alone), but there was that underline programming of something is not right, I should do things differently.
    I’m very sensitive as well, and maybe also an empath, not sure – spending a long time with people gets me exhausted, emotionally and physically.
    Lately I started getting in touch with myself more and more, and I would say that now I am in a phase of internal fight between some old values/programming and my true desires. So this makes spending time with people even more exhausting lately. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy their company, but I need to have “escape” plans :)

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      It sounds as though you are in the stage of duality and uncertainty Andrea, but I’m really happy that this articles, and the others I have written, can help you on this process of self-discovery. To me it does seem like your parents had a major influence in your perceptions towards being alone — most people’s parents influence them in such ways unfortunately. It’s amazing how these beliefs stick with us for a large portion of our lives, and sometimes for our entire lives if we are not aware. Fortunately you are becoming aware and are well on your way to healing and self-acceptance. I hope this site can help you in whatever way possible!

      • Andrea

        Thanks for replying. Yes, I’m in a stage of duality but the beautiful part is that I am starting to appreciate even the internal fight I’m having, as it helps me (re)discovering myself. And it is amazing how allowing yourself more and more to be who you are gives you a boost of energy and makes you feel really alive. I think I’m starting to discover this hidden life energy inside me, by releasing parts of me which I have been busy keeping below surface and this required some huge efforts. It is a really exciting journey :)

        • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

          It is! Invigorating, and full of ups and downs. Best wishes. :)

  • hamtaro

    im in a similar situation like james, a black male, getting ready for college, but the difference is that I goto a Christian school, a baptist christian school. I find it to be hard for me because the very people who goto church, and claim Jesus, act so fake the rest of the week, and when you call them out on it, they gang up on me, and tell me their doctrine ,without the bible and wont listen to any other side. When I first came to that school, I was a lone, and i tried to be a loner here, they forced me to socialize, and now, my senior year, theyre now saying im talking to much, and when i do speak, i just speak brutal truths to them. i dont understand my generation….. please help

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Hamtaro, I grew up surrounded by Christians — I went to 2 Christian schools, and I went to a Christian church every.single.week. Through all the years I accumulated, I realized that believing in Jesus doesn’t make you a better person — it simply gives you hope and a sense of security in this life that if anything bad happens, you will go to a nice place after you die.

      The problem with Christian doctrine and teaching is that it doesn’t teach you how to love and respect yourself — it teaches you how to deny yourself, become a martyr in life at the expense of your well-being, and teaches you to be sad for all the sins you constantly commit but hopeful that you will be forgiven. It is impossible for the people at your school to be kind, just as what Jesus teaches, because the modern interpretation of Jesus’ message does not teach self-love. How can we love others if we first don’t learn to love ourselves first? The kids in your school are just a product of this.

      Many people avoid the truth because it is so painful. Therefore, when you speak brutal truths, you are constantly positioning yourself as the “dislikeable person who makes everyone feel uncomfortable.” The reality is that you can never ever change another person unless THEY first decide to change themselves. You can’t force anyone to do anything. So it is better to stop trying as you will save yourself from wasted effort. The only person you can work on is yourself.

      • hamtaro

        what about being betrayed, by your so called friend at that school?

        i did like the pastor daughter but she got my friend to manipulate me because he liked her, and she like him. she knew that i liked her. but yet she chose my friend who was much more atheletic than me, and more popular than me. i didnt treat her bad, nor did i do any wrong to her. he even kissed her twice in front of me(sneaking around the teachers and pastor, and reverend). what to do? and thank you for your reply.

        • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

          What can you possibly do? You can get angry, start drama, and create chaos, but that will do you no good. The best thing is to learn to accept what happens — as hard as that is. Can you change other people? No. Can you change the way you see life? Yes. We are all betrayed by people in life, and often times we betray other people as well. No one is perfect, and that is good to remember. If you friend is deliberately trying to make you feel bad, you should consider trying to make other friends.

  • Rose

    *Fair warning, this is long*

    I just get quite confused with all the different terms people use and oft find many similarities in my own behaviors and personality and habits among all of them. I’m introverted, artisan-composer, shy, also have social anxiety … what’s the difference between being a ‘loner’ and introverted, or is there any at all?
    When I’m at work I can operate, I suppose you’d say, more extroverted, perhaps because I /have/ to. We’re constantly busy and most of the time there’s always someone there and it gets stressful. So I’ll be more talkative and joke around; they know if I’m quite quiet there’s something wrong. If I had my choice I’d probably /always/ be quiet and not talk with any of them, but I want the work day to go by more smoothly for all of us and I know they enjoy my banter.
    But by the time I get home, I’m done. I’ve found these days-more like these past two years- (and found this article by searching why do I never want to be around people, haha >.>) I’m done. Even if family is home, I don’t even want to talk to them for a few seconds. I’m just done with social activity. If-and rarely-I feel up to it, I’ll go to lunch with someone. Someone who ‘gets’ me more. And that’s every … six months, though I’m trying to be better about it. Because family pressure. I mean, it makes sense. They’re family. But I find any social activity at all really drains and bores me; especially when it comes to family or church dinners/outings/’events’.
    I even made myself fall asleep one night two weeks ago because otherwise my parents would make me attend a Young Adults group. I love the people there, they’re great, I’m a member of the church … and yet I can’t stand being around them o.O. For two or three hours, I’m /stuck/ there while they play board games, have a message, and then talk about cars, babies, or guns. I have nothing to contribute and nor do I wish to. I guess perhaps I’ve lost my patience with events and activities I have almost nothing in common with that would drain energy I don’t have. I’ve probably been running on fumes now for several years. I love to make friends and meet new people (online … meeting people irl consists of … church … and I only see them for two minutes on sundays) and yet without fail after a few months of bonding, all of the sudden, I drop off the face of the earth. As in, that’s enough socializing now, we know each other, they’re awesome, and my brain just turns to something else; and any other time we might talk it turns to small talk. I don’t do small talk. >.<

    I did/am attempting to take vitamins because I thought that would help, for a couple months now, and it hasn't. I'm still more tired than I've ever been and quite tired of people and my parents attempts to get me to 'go out and share my gifts with people' (aka people from church with whom the only commonality is really God, which is everything, but also … nothing). I still enjoy being alone and watching movies and reading and playing games and having debates about certain issues in my mind (because when it comes to actually /debating/ or discussing, I couldn't get words out to save my life).

    Certainly there are some underlying issues concerning myself (social anxiety-probably brought on by my parents just shoving me wherever-, chronic tiredness or whathaveyou), but for the most part, I don't understand why my being alone is so bad. Sometimes if I'm reading something particularly amusing, I do wish there was someone there I could share it with, but I doubt it will be happening any time soon; and aside from those moments, I love it. Even if no one else gets me, /I/ get 'me'; and I'm still a 'functioning' member of society. I pay my damn taxes (scuse the language); I have a job, I go to church-on Sundays, the rest of the time I can't stand it, unfortunately-and, just.
    It's rather ironic because I have an urge to travel but can't stand the actual /travel/ part. So I travel in my head. I echo what someone else said much earlier, I can watch movies and go places in my mind and I'm sorry to all those of you who love sports and more strenuous activities, but watching a movie in your mind and making up stories, exploring someone else's world (game), inner debating is so dang FUN. o/

    I guess, aside from some things, I like my life. If there were a couple people I could actually permanently share it with/talk with still; while I lived alone (or with one other person) in a small cabin in the woods with modern amenities, away from people. It'd be perfect. It's always hard to say because there is always that pressure, because everyone around me is vastly, vastly different. "You're not around people often enough, you don't talk often enough, you won't talk to /us/" … (because I can't). But if that was removed, finally, if certain people just stopped it, my life would be awesome. I love art, I love drawing-ALONE-I love reading and writing-ALONE-I love playing games and having debates, listening to music and thinking about life. When there's a nice wind and it's a good day, I love just going outside and letting everything be carried away. There's no one to compete with, no one to make irritating noises and annoy the sheet out of me, no one in my /space/, getting in my face, demanding things of me that aren't ever going to happen. No one forcing me into anything.

    … thinking about it makes me happy. If only I could get my family to understand.
    Aherm. Sorry. Got that all out now. o/ I know this post was months ago, it seems.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Thank you for sharing Rose. I like to think of being a ‘loner’ as being on the very extreme of the introvert + extrovert scale. In my mind, the scale looks something like this:

      Loner ——– Introvert ——- Ambivert ——- Extrovert

      I think of this as the ‘energy spectrum’ – extroverts have a very high tolerance for people, and loners have a very LOW tolerance for people. At least in my own mind this is the difference between being a loner and introvert.

      Your lack of energy is probably because of anxiety. I experience this as well, and have found that going to the root of my thoughts and challenging/replacing them helps a lot (though is much less of a quick fix solution, but ultimately the most powerful.)

      • Rose

        I don’t have any close friends, though when making friends I tend to share quite a lot (until after those few months go by), all the rest of the time my tolerance for people is very low.
        When I’m not working, I generally don’t talk with anyone unless I absolutely /must/ and find it quite exhausting.

        I did end up, after refusing to go to YA last Thursday, having a good long talk with my mother, though it was more a jumbled up utter mess of … words, and I think she understood *some* of it. Some. But it’s a start right? Although honestly I’m rather pessimistic about it.
        Definitely some of it is because of anxiety; people having expectations or not being those who get who I am and such and then being told I /have/ to be around them. Of course, the world is made up of people not similar to us at all in many respects. I’d just rather be able to actually choose who I am going to be around when not at work, even if it’s almost never (and thus not at all satisfactory to what my parents /think/ I need) at least I know it’s what I can handle and I can be around people whose company I enjoy.

        I went out for lunch the other day with a friend from work who actually gets me, we were there for about 45 minutes and when I returned, my mother remarked something to the effect of, “back already? That was quick.” It seemed quite a long time to me.

        I suppose I won’t ever fully understand why many can’t understand something so simple and it’s “oh dear God you’re not around people enough!” And throw you to the wolves (force you to do social stuff), as I think of it sometimes. What exactly is so horrible about being an introvert/loner? Why do you HAVE to interact with people so much?
        Although I guess part of it could be because of movies and the like portraying us as they have…

        • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

          It is good that you take the time to try to honestly communicate with your mother. I remember how hard it was to talk with my own mother — we were so different and on completely different wavelengths. But I find that it helps to maintain a level-head and to see that the annoying tendencies of parents to push us into doing things we don’t want to do comes from a misguided sense of wanting to “help” and ensure that you’re “happy” — often with the best of intentions.

          From what it sounds like you are in your teenage years (?) and these can often be hard — especially when under the “power” of parents. Above all, it’s good that you communicate as clearly as you can without pointing fingers or blaming. I’ve found this to be the best way to let others know that I am a quiet person who likes the peace of solitude rather than the chaos of people.

          Best wishes!

  • Alex Oh

    Thanks for this article, Aletheia Luna. I just came back yesterday from a blind date setup by my parents (traditionally/commonly done by Korean parents). Specifically, and this is a Korean cultural concept, the blind date is called a “suhn” (pronounced like sun), which is a blind date specifically for the purpose of getting to know someone as a potential marriage partner. I know, crazy, right? I’m Korean-American (born and raised in the US), so it was a bit strange for me.

    The woman I met was really nice, very intelligent, and beautiful. We had a good conversation, although things did get sort of quiet and awkward near the end as we ran out of things to talk about. During our conversation she asked two questions that any person would ask on a date: “What do you usually do when you hang out with friends?” and “What do you usually do on the weekends?”

    I didn’t want to lie like I had done in the past. I wanted to be honest about who I was, to respect her and myself since this was about trying to find someone you would spend the rest of your life with. I told her that I usually stay home on the weekends, and that I tend not to hang out with friends as they always go drinking/clubbing and it was not my thing (I wish I had added that I have nothing against drinking/smoking/clubbing, as it made me look judgmental). Her reaction seemed to be one of worry and/or disappointment. I couldn’t help but think that maybe she thought I had some serious issues because I gave the correct impression that I was a loner. I kept thinking about the following question on the long drive home…”is there something wrong with me because I like to be alone?” I mean, I know there isn’t, as I’ve in the past embraced my loner nature, but it’s hard not to have those thoughts creep up again when they confront you in the face from time to time.

    It doesn’t help that in the past, I’ve heard my pastor say, in the context of relationships, that “you should be wary of people who don’t have any friends or close friends.” To be fair, I think what he meant was that you should be wary as that might be a sign that that person is abusive and/or has some deep emotional issues, but because he didn’t clarify what he meant, I’m not so sure (FWIW, I believe my pastor to be a good and well intentioned person, even though I don’t agree with him on everything).

    Anyways, thanks again for this post and for everyone who commented and shared their story. It was a good reminder that being a loner is OK.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      It definitely can be hard when you are confronted face-to-face with the reality that you like to be alone – and other people don’t accept that. But I’m happy that you could find support in this article and the comments here Alex! I appreciate your comment. :)

  • Eternaldevastation666

    Fuck normal people and the extroverted.

  • Teresa

    At the age of 1 1/2 I was placed back into my biological families home. I do not know my mom, stepdad or siblings. It was frightening. I have memories of that fear. I was just a baby. My mom did not want me nor have loving feelings for me, I did not get hugged or kissed, no bedtime stories, no idle talking or anything like it. My siblings were not too keen on me either, I know it’s because mom didn’t like me. I played alone. I went to bed quietly. I did my best to stay low key, the attention I did get was always negative. . Always, it was best to go unnoticed. I slept alone, cryed myself to sleep literally for years, I was always sad, felt alone, unloved. But, being alone was safe. No one to mock me or scold me when I was alone. I grew up cherishing my time alone. I was a very poor student, teachers didn’t care for me. I failed first grade one because of being hard to teach and second, I didn’t and wouldn’t sleek to my teacher. She scared me, wasn’t nice, so I simply would not reply or ask a word. Sure she thought I was mentally challenged. Part of that is true. Little vocal interaction with babies will ultimately lead to a low iq in a person. That’s me. Today I am a restaurant manager in a 5 .5 million dollar a year company. I am consistent and thoughtful in my work. I am mostly, liked. I am 42. Certain tasks are very difficult to me but I find ways to figure it out and succeed. Being a loner is only obvious to the two most social people that work with me, the general manager and assistant gm. Those are the two people that don’t like me. Popular people. I feel and see in their eyes that they think I am a freak. They have no respect for me or my incredibly hard work. But, this year, I don’t care. My oldest son and boyfriend constantly tell me the negative about myself. They tell me I am selfish and self centered. I just love being alone. I am nice to people, I just don’t spend a lot of time outside of work with people. I have to spare my energy by being alone. It’s a recharge thing. But they refuse to understand. They won’t listen to me, they just tell me to change. I hate it. I have to analyze myself every single day. Again, alone means quiet, no voices, safety in several ways. I sleep alone. In darkness
    and silence. It is safe. I listen to. . Silence. . It’s so soothing. Unfortunately, those closest to me think I am pathetic. I don’t know how to be anymore. I try to be more social but then I feel fake, I hate fake. I don’t know how to be. The violence that comes from my lack of change and my son and boyfriend is killing my sole. Good thing I have my baby, Vance. He is 16. The best teen I have ever known. He is so loving and non judging. He mends my broken heart.
    My truth,

    Teresa Ann

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Teresa, it can be a heartbreaking experience to have those closest to you criticize you and bring you down. Although it is comforting to hear that you have a source of comfort in your life – your son Vance. Your other son and boyfriend sound emotionally abusive, something that you might like to read more about: http://lonerwolf.com/emotional-abuse/ When that happened in my life, I cut off and broke away from my family members who were bringing me down and polluting my life with their negativity. This was the best decision I ever made.
      Thank you for opening yourself up to share here, and I truly wish you strength and healing.

  • Living My Life

    As a kid, I never got into the age-specific fads (in my day they included carrying around a Walkman to listen to the World Series–6th-7th grade; getting all hyped up about the latest hot cars–Jr. High and High School; etc.). Later, of course, the other kids moved past those fads (ones that I had moved past before I even go into!), but I was by then branded as the geek who didn’t fit in. And new fads took over, and the same thing happened. So I moved on, and moved away, and made many friends of various kinds over the years.

    A few years ago, I retired moved back to my hometown. I looked forward to getting back with my old high school and college friends. But it didn’t take long to realize that although I had changed (i.e., grown up) they hadn’t. I cut off most of the connections by choice. Most people just keep playing the same little games they played in school (from grade school on) and never really grow up. I can’t see much reason to want to hang around people like that.

    There’s a great line in the classic Italian movie, “Cinema Paradiso.” A guy who doesn’t talk much says, “I found out that it doesn’t really make much difference if you talk or you don’t.”

    The same thing often applies to hanging out with other people. So much of group life is posing, jockeying for position in the pecking order, and so on. (When I taught at a Japanese junior college, I had my students write an essay on stress. The majority said the most stressful thing was the daily struggle to fit into the group.) There are better ways to spend one’s time.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      “So much of group life is posing, jockeying for position in the pecking order, and so on” – such an astute observation. Watching nature documentaries about animals is a good way of learning about mankind, stripping it down to the essentials: social hierarchy, alpha and beta males and females, desires to attract the most attractive mate, and all the games that comes with that. It is true that most people don’t grow up, but seem to remain stuck at the mental age of about 18, even well into their forties and fifties. Mostly, it’s not worth getting wound up in social life as it causes too much drama, and takes you away from doing what fulfills you the most. This is what I’ve learnt anyway.

      Thank you for leaving a comment here. :)

  • Rubaya Binte Siraj

    Being one helps me a lot. Previously I was approached by people with ulterior motives and I was always worried about what others thought about me. Yes they used to like my new extroverted attitude but I didn’t find any people I can trust around me. This is maybe because once I was an introvert and people didn’t feel like approaching me much. When I opened up it was nice to have fun with people, tell them about myself, etc. But I have seen some taking this as an opportunity to help them in things they can easily manage, and as for the opposite sex testing the waters about how I feel about them and then become aloof (sounds exaggerated but its true). Anyway back to my shell again.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Rubaya, I think you confuse being a loner with a fearful avoidance of people. People serve as mirrors: they reveal our imperfections and insecurities, which is why many of us hide from people. For example, if we don’t have much faith or trust in ourselves, we likewise don’t have much faith or trust in other people. If we have low self-esteem, we perceive others as always “out to get us”, and we are shattered by their negative comments (which are always a reflection of THEM rather than US).

    • Jack

      You & I are alike. I slip into the extroversion life then, the needy people slip in & try to loot something from me. Not money or material things, but part of my soul. I’ve been told my values & standards are to high & that I’m rigid. I just see it as them lacking in that area. They cheat on significant others & manipulate others.

  • Binyaminb

    It’s sad that the term loner is given such a bad wrap. I love being alone and I truly treasure the moments when it’s just me with my books, or my games, or my tv shows and nobody else. I hate that some ppl can never take the time to understand that perhaps a person enjoys being by themselves more than going out to a crowded, noisy place listening to a bunch of ppl talk stuff.
    I’ve always preferred my own company. And i’m actually perfectly capable in social situations in fact i’m so easy to talk to that after ppl spend some time chatting to me they invite me out thinking ‘this is a guy I want around in social situations.’ And while I am good at talking to ppl, the truth is, I only talk to you b/c my job permits that I be around ppl 8 hours a day so if i’m at work and you’re there i’ll talk to you b/c i’m there for my job to earn an income. But if given a choice at the end of my shift on whether I want to go home and spend a night to myself or whether I want to go hang out at some pub or whatever and continue engaging in social interaction when i’ve already JUST spent 8 hours of my day surrounded by ppl… Thank you very much but i’ll go home.

    But it really is the worst when they don’t understand your temperament and automatically associate being alone to being sad, lonely or depressed. And unfortunately this is even true among friends who are supposed to have clue of the person you are but yet when the conversation dies down, the ice breaking line is always “so how’s your love life?” or “seeing anyone special?” with a twinkle in the eye and a coy smile. And then you tell them ‘nah’ and you get that look of pity in their eyes as if to say “don’t worry you’ll find someone soon”. ARGH it’s that look of pity that is just so infuriating! Whose to say I even WANT to find someone? A relationship to me is just a hassle. If I don’t have enough time throughout the day to do everything I want to achieve, how much less time would I have if I were committed to somebody? And so what if you’re in a relationship? Spending all those hours and hours and hours getting to “know” someone when 3 years down the track their personality might change. Or worse, 20 years down the track you’re acclimated to having being with them even tho you don’t “love” them anymore and all you do is argue and compromise about how you live your life when in reality you would rather sit at home and watch that game of football instead of go out to spend the day with your partner’s family. In fact I actually pity those who are in relationships or need to go out every week. Why? B/c these ppl NEED to be around others to be happy and content. They rely on other ppl to make them happy whereas a loner such as myself never needs to rely on anyone to enjoy my life.
    I’m not afraid of dying alone, i’m not afraid of having no children to comfort me on my deathbed and i’m sure as hell not afraid of becoming attached to a person and having them leave me. Or going even further, being married to them for 50 years and then watching them die before you do and then being FORCED into a life of alone-ness after you spend the majority of your life never being alone.

    I’m reassured when I go online and see these kinds of articles that are trying to educate the ignorant on understanding ppl’s different personalities. I never tell an extrovert how to live their life, they sure as hell shouldn’t tell me how to live mine.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Binyaminb, it’s admirable how confident and firm you are in preferring to be alone. Just as it is hard for you to understand what exactly is the attraction extroverted people feel towards talking and constantly socializing, so too is it hard for them to understand life through our eyes. It’s true that many of the greatest, most accomplished and skilled people in life have been loners – and why? Because most of their lives weren’t wasted in trivial social duties or pursuits, but were spent dedicated to cultivating skills, talents, or simply enjoying what life has to offer, alone.
      At the end of the day there is no point getting frustrated (it’s wasted energy). We can’t change people and their perspectives, but hopefully articles such as this can reach such people and educate them better.

  • Arcane

    Perfect. Not all loners are misanthropic.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      No. They aren’t. :)

  • jrex

    I used to be a very talkative person; but then I moved to school in different area and my life completely changed; people were so hostile to me when I talked; im a talkative person and I enjoy talking, but …. I don’t know… when I talked I faced so much hostility; I remember I was doing some training and I was on a post with two other guys; the wholllleee time they were insulting me and degrading me; It was mind boggling to me at the time and I had sooo many things running through my head; why are they treating me like this? what did I do to deserve this? why are they being so hostile to me? is it because I refused to do what they told me to do a couple weeks ago during training? why? eventually I moved on and went to a different location for school; I was still recovering from the hostility I faced at my previous school but I still had a desire to talk.
    the next school sealed the deal; I used to live in a common room with 5 other people; I remember one day, like 2 or 3 of them ganged up on me and told me they didn’t like me and they wanted to switch to another room because they didn’t like me; im not sure why they didn’t like me; I don’t remember instigating anything hostile to them so I couldn’t understand why they didn’t like me; the next day those 2 or 3 guys left the room and moved somewhere else and I felt soooo bad because I felt like they left cause of me. I never had so many people gang up on me and tell me they disliked me at the same time. and why? because I talked to them? what did I do to deserve this? I also had another guy randomly walk up to me and say he wanted to kick my ass.
    after that, the deal was sealed. I stopped talking to people, I didn’t associate with others, and I was quiet and alone. life still went on; I met other people throughout my life and became friends with them but I was soooo much more quiet; there would be days where I would just keep to myself and talk to absolutely no one. everyone would be in their groups, talking to each other, and I would be the only one alone. after my past experiences, I just didn’t want that any more; I would rather be alone than face that hostile behavior again.
    to this day im still scarred, and ive been reading loner posts if to see if others felt the same way I did.
    also, people just got nothing interesting to say, so I have no reason to talk lol

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      There could be a variety of reasons why people acted the way they did Jrex. The obvious answer is that they are jerks, stuck-up, nasty, insecure even. Another less-obvious answer could lie in your own approach to them, which perhaps you weren’t aware of at the time. That is the thing with a lack of self-awareness: we never realize that to a point, we are responsible as well. It’s uncommon for people to be hostile without a reason, it is illogical, unless of course they are jealous, or want to show off. But this is not always the case. Take a look at this article, which lists ways you could be self-sabotaging without knowing it: http://lonerwolf.com/ugly-dislikeable-person/
      I hope it helps, and opens new doors of insight.

  • Kelsey Norris

    Hi Aletheia. I just wanted to say I enjoyed reading your article. I just started going to college, and I have been feeling confused because the person whose company I enjoy the most is me. I’ve always been an introvert, but it has been difficult to explain to new people I meet that I just like having my alone time. I’m the most content when I’m studying or reading by myself. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy meeting to and talking to new people. However, I don’t think I should be shamed when I say I need some alone time. Thank you for making me feel like it’s okay.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      You’re most welcome Kelsey, and it’s wonderful to feel that we are right in wanting what we want in life. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time alone, and in fact, solitude has been proven to be essential for the development of mental and emotional balance. Thank you for reading!

  • TheLoneWolfBlog

    I can’t believe that I found this article just now. I could write a book on the ostracizing that I went through throughout grade and high school. Not to bring race into it (I’m only using this as an example), but if you think being a Caucasian male/female loner is hard? How about a primarily African-American male who doesn’t speak slang or prefers university, books and computer games over sex?

    I’ve had a Christian upbringing, and wasn’t truly exposed to pop culture and other things until high school, and I’ve been labeled as the dreaded Class Fall Guy from minute one. Back then (and this still rings true today) African-American children in Philadelphia and possibly everywhere else weren’t exactly known for making bi-weekly trips to several libraries, going on walks through Center City, researching public transportation history (I loved public transit history and networks as a hobby) and other things; the latest things at time were sports, girls, Married With Children, West Coast hip-hop, rap and New Jack Swing. Back then, as an African-American male, if you didn’t speak a certain way, act a certain way or follow everyone’s perceived stereotypes of what you were “supposed” to be, you were a “faggot” or “gay” even though one’s behavior had nothing to do with sexual orientation. As you can guess, I was doomed the minute I opened my mouth, because the words “ah-ight”, “nigger” and “yo dawg” just WEREN’T in my vocabulary. You can imagine the fights I was forced to defend myself in back then, including an ice ball fight that sent me to the hospital. Everyone just hated me because to them, I wasn’t anywhere close to what their view of an African-American is; instead I was a quiet, black nerd who didn’t want to be with others (gee, I wonder why)?

    High school wasn’t the first time that I acted preferably as a “lone wolf”; in middle school I also got into fights simply because my peers found me as easier prey. Back then I responded with violent verbal outbursts and the school district ordered my single mother to take me to psychoanalysts. They found that my desires to be left alone “not reasonable”. I eventually lied to them just to get it over with, stating that I needed more time with my mother (boy, city school district employees were inept), and I was eventually left alone by the teachers, but not with the kids.

    My adult life as a lone wolf has NOT helped in the real world, at least not with my peers. As a former Accounts Payable Team Lead for a large medical university in Philadelphia, I was given a middle-management position but was absolutely abhorred by my peers because of it. The women of the office would joke constantly about my sexual orientation and about how ugly I was (we’re talking about DANGEROUS, foul-mouthed Amazons, here); meanwhile I’d be slaving away on tasks that no one else wanted to do. Mandatory office parties were the bane of my existence, especially since people would watch and comment on what food I was eating (once I actually brought something in as a social gesture but when people found out that I had baked it [a Vegan Chocolate Cake] they backed away from it).

    I kept asking to be transferred to other departments but the director of operations knew that once I left, he’d have no “office wallflower” to heap the unwanted tasks on, so they kept adjusting my pay when all I wanted to be given another position and to be left alone. My only breaks from the back-stabbing, ladder-climbing HELL that was the office were my four hours of commuting each day to and from work and my out-of-pocket Paralegal Studies classes at night. They were the only times that I could truly be left alone to think, enjoy the music that I liked and (in class) intelligently express myself.

    The more I avoided office politics (at one point I openly stated that I simply wanted to be left alone and even demanded a demotion that would remove me from any office politics or social interaction altogether). Right after my request was granted, an employee left the department and the director stated that I had no choice but to accept the position. When the others found out, even the ACCOUNTANTS joined in on the comments and jokes. After I finally lost it and shouted one swear word towards an employee that had been insulting me to my face for seven years (I just took it because I had been enduring stuff lie that all my life), the director ordered me to see the company therapist, stating that there was something wrong with ME and my anti-social behavior. Five months later, after that same woman and two of her friends launched false allegations against me (they claimed that I stated that guns should be allowed in the office…!?) I finally got up and walked out without a single word after meeting with the department heads, thinking that (it was 2010 and the economic downturn and unemployment rates were in full swing) I would rather be unemployed than take the abuse, simply because I refused to follow the herd and put on a false face like everyone else.

    I’ve had hard times since then as well. One temporary assignment was about to hire me as a permanent staff member but the employees of the company hated the parent company of which one of the supervisors there was one of my superiors. The office people hated ME as a result because I wouldn’t join in on their child-like protests against the parent company. I eventually told my supervisor that I didn’t want the job.

    In another temporary job, the office women were calling me “gay” and stating that “well, from the way he talks and the way he acts, at least he won’t be picking any of us up”. WHAT!? I was simply doing what my temporary supervisor was asked and was following orders; I didn’t have time to trash-talk or use “pick up lines; I WAS A TEMPORARY EMPLOYEE! I immediately called the temp agency and in less than than five weeks they found something else for me.

    Today, African-American males at age 36 aren’t exactly known for STILL preferring to visit libraries, having large book collections, using Macintoshes, fixing PCs and slaving at coursework (maintaining a 3.8 GPA) over drinking, sports, having sex with everything in a skirt (or with ANYONE, I just think that the actual act of sex is just…). Anyway, even as an adult student at a Midwestern liberal arts university (I gladly left Philadelphia and will never see it’s dirty, gritty streets or it’s dirty, gritty, racist people again) I still face animosity because I just can’t stand the idea of working or socializing in a group, though when I work alone, my grades tend to be higher. Even as I type, I’m struggling with the notion of joining a club which will guarantee a internship to fulfill graduation requirements even though I can’t stand groups.

    I’ve been ostracized by groups, called names by groups, been singled out in mandatory social group settings…I just can’t stand groups. But when I’m alone, I have inner peace. 80s music sounds better, term projects gain more satisfaction, and my hobbies are more satisfying when it’s me and me alone working on and completing them. Yet the world hates me because of it.

    Am I selfish? Perhaps. But it’s not selfish when people refuse you for YOU, so instead of changing to suit THEM, you keep YOU to YOURSELF.

    A great blog and once I’m free from the stress of courses I intend to subscribe and follow it.

    James M. Wallace
    The Lone Wolf
    Springfield, OH

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Wow James, what unfortunate social experiences you’ve had! I really appreciate you sharing them with me, and I’m sure that all loners who visit this page will sympathize (perhaps empathize) with what you’ve had to deal with. Gee. Amazing isn’t it? All we want to be is left alone! Yet the current social climate of the world seems to scream “if you’re not like us, you’re against us. If you don’t think, and talk, and act the way we do, there must be something damn wrong with you.”

      Racism has obviously played a big role in your bad experiences with other people, and this really makes me rile. Offices are notorious for being terribly social places, with unnecessary pressures both socially and work-wise. I wrote an article a while ago on jobs that suit introverts and loners which you may like to have a look at when you get the time: http://lonerwolf.com/jobs-for-introverts/ I would much prefer to be a janitor than a high end CEO, that’s for sure!

      It’s a relief to hear that you left Philadelphia, and my hope is that you manage to find a much more accepting and open-minded place to live your life!

      Thank you for sharing here once again.

  • Turtles4days

    Thank you for writing this article! I myself can be a very social person in the presence of certain people but find it much more relaxing to be alone. It gives me time to reflect on myself and the world around me without the opinions of others. There has been quite a bit of rejection in the sense of relationships on my end but I always come out feeling more relieved that it didn’t work out than depressed. Everything happens for a reason, if I go throughout my life as a lone wolf I can go my own pace, climb mountains that appeal to me and not have to worry about being swayed to take a path I don’t want.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Yes, there is a lot more freedom, certainly! If you observe the people in our society, most of their stress and frustration stems from the obligations and demands from other people. When you commit to lots of people, you commit to lots of duties and requirements, and that can be a freedom sucker.

      Thank you for reading and sharing here!


  • Ozzy

    I am very confused with so much of my life. I have been alone for most of my life, being rejected by society. Yet, I enjoy the time I have alone. I enjoy thinking for myself and not making decisions based on others. I enjoy the silence and how everything I can do is within my grasp.

    I’ve been alone for so long that I cannot understand the mindless and ridiculous ways that most people my age live by today. Yet, when people are with their friends, they are happy and show it. I do not know if I wish for friends just to have happiness just like this or for the need to be accepted. I have many friends online and I’m widely accepted in numerous sites. I enjoy the time I spend with them and feel good when talking with them. I don’t understand why I seek real life friends when I can not tolerate the ways many people live by today.

    The most recent example was an event at my college yesterday. People were playing sports with each other and having a BBQ together. When I joined in the sport, people did not take notice of me and I felt invisible. When I joined people to eat in the BBQ, I was all alone and ate alone. I felt depressed being alone while other were so happy to be with their friends. But then I went back to my room and spent the remaining 8 hours of the day alone. I enjoyed that and was happy with it.

    I am so confused to the extent of not knowing what I’m confused about. I enjoy my time alone. I do not what to be profane or idiotic like most people my age. Yet, I am attracted to the happiness they have. But I have my own happiness when I’m alone and I forget about the outside world. I feel depressed when I’m alone in public. But I am ok when I am alone in my room doing my usual activities. I do not know if this is just society trying to change me to be a sheep like everyone else or what.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      ” I don’t understand why I seek real life friends when I can not tolerate the ways many people live by today.” It’s human nature to seek social connection – as sociologists/scientists proclaim “we are social beings”. So to seek a like-minded person is very natural, and does not make you a conformist or sell-out.

      A loner by nature enjoys solitude most of the time, but doesn’t necessarily have to spend 100% of their time alone. You may find that you desire to connect deeply with another person, but only for short periods of time, or on an occasional basis.

      Your confusion may come from a lack of inner analysis, or even psychological/emotional repression. Often we create images of ourselves in our minds which we cling to because they form our identities. But when something goes against this image we hold of ourselves, sometimes we deny it, or repress it. So you may like to explore this.

      Hope something I said helps!


  • Robert Spence

    Wow, this is an awesome site and I just happened to stumble upon it today. I am a loner, there is no doubt about this and that is how I have been all my life, but the sad thing is that I have thought it to be wrong to be a loner, like there must be something wrong with me.
    After reading some of the posts and I have come to understand that being a loner is just really the way I am. So now I feel as though I have come ‘home’ and I do hope more people who are loners find this site and learn that being a loner is a BIG blessing.
    How wonderful to know that you are in the city of Perth, Australia. I myself am living in Townsville. LOL from one side of Australia to the other. Woo Hoo.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Most people think it’s a crime Robert, so you are certainly not alone in your thinking!
      Hopefully one day this article reaches people of all ages, races and cultures, making a small difference in our extrovert-lauding world.

      Such a small world, eh? Wonderful to hear from another Aussie (it’s a rare thing strangely!)

      Thank you for dropping in and leaving a response!


  • watergirl

    I think society confuses those who prefer to be alone, with those who are alone because they don’t have sufficient empathy to get along with others. Empathy = mental illness such as sociopathy.

    I really don’t have a problem with my loneness. I didn’t realize others had a problem with it till I heard my neighbor talking outside the other day saying how they don’t understand how someone can be alone so much and it isn’t natural. I laughed. For one, this person suffers from NPD so I don’t ever expect them to understand when they have to rely on the perceptions of others. Plus they don’t know that my apartment is too tiny to have visitors, and I go out for my socializing.

    I think loneness is a threat to others. When you don’t need the opinions and input from others, you don’t have any weaknesses. Someone not having weaknesses don’t have any threats. I truly don’t care what others think. Not in a goth/emo rebellion to society sort of mentality, but I really don’t care.

    But to equate the lonewolfe as not having empathy or caring about people is a misconception. At least to my friends and myself, many who are lonewolfs. In fact, we care about people very much. We care about their health, wellbeing and safety. It is the individual we can have problems with. All of us work in fields that directly help people.

    I do have some socialization. It is not a rejection of society. I get my social needs met at work. Because I have friends there who I don’t have to fake being around. I can be myself, so it isn’t as draining.

    And that is what it comes down too. Loneness is a freedom for us, not a constraint. I find that having to fake to conform to social niceitees, to watch everything you say or do and to behave in a way that gets along, to be very, draining. The loneness is my decompression.

    I find that among my friends and I that are loners, we are all highly intelligent. So I think we preceive more of the fakeness, the behaving for the approval of others, to be artificial and demanding. We need the loneness to be who we are. Except when around other like minded people.

    In a nutshell, people’s need to get along, be social, and seek approval in social interactions, is below that of lonewolfs. It is something that we perceive as a weakness, not the other way around. And to not have that need, is a threat and a reminder to others that they do.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Thank you for your comment Watergirl.

      I think a lot of the fear motivating societies misconceptions about the loner springs from the element of mystery. When you have no certainty about a person, what they like, who they see, what they talk about, there is this gap left, this fear of the unknown that lingers. In conversations for instance, no one likes the quiet person because there is that element of fear; “what are they thinking about me, are they judging me?” And then of course, there are the misconceptions, the myths surrounding people who spend large amounts of time alone, most of which involve homicide or disturbing habits.

      But slowly and steadily, hopefully with articles like these (and the introvert revolution movement), people will come to better understand loners and quiet people.

      Once again, thanks for sharing your experiences and ideas here!


  • Just Me

    Thanks for your article. I appreciated your thoughts on lonership – they certainly come closer to the mark almost all the than other information on the “sickness” of being a loner. What most people don’t understand – even many highly educated people – is that we don’t want to be cured of anything. We like who we are on our own terms and wish to remain as we are, unperturbed by those around us.

    Maybe a good way to define true lonership is by stating what it is not: we are not maladjusted misfits, we are not people haters, we are not frightened of other people, we haven’t been bullied into a corner, we haven’t made a vow of solitude, we are not seeking a purity that eludes others, or religious enlightenment through solitude, we are not rebels against a corrupt society. All those people exist, certainly, but they are not us.

    We find our own thoughts *generally* more interesting than the thoughts of others, we don’t particularly care what other people think of us, we like to take life in on our own terms, rather than trying to fit it into categories defined by others. We do not seek to enlighten or convert others to our point of view. We would gladly give our 15 minutes to someone else. We do not wish to offend others, we believe in common courtesy, and we can produce on demand the symbols of politeness that lubricate social interaction. But neither we don’t mistake it for true friendliness.

    Most of us actually do have mates, family, and friends. We do value some people, but not many. We wish humanity well, but we fundamentally want to be left alone to pursue our life’s trajectory and to affect the trajectories of other’s lives as little as possible.

    Just my 2cents after a life of being a loner, and not regretting one minute of it.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      “We generally just want to be left alone” – this pretty much sums up the loner in a nutshell Just Me. I don’t think any voluntary loner can argue with that. :) It would be cool if there was a universally known way of expressing that you were a loner in public so people could let you be. The “Do Not Disturb” signs would be perfect for that!


      • Alice

        This blog is wrong… I have been a loner for so long I don’t even remember who I am. I feel like I am a worthless piece of shit, but I can take the pain and forget about it. There are many things I hate about myself. I’m just a smart young girl who everybody hates, I have no reason to hate anyone I’m just afraid if I say the wrong thing, I’ll regret it forever. My father died when I was 3 and that’s when this all started. I hope one day my silence will end my life. Here’s something that most people don’t know is that I am truly sorry for staying away for many years. I hope God forgives me. After all it is bettered to be feared than loved but I don’t agree. Thank you for reading my comment

        • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

          Hopefully as you make your way through the content in this blog you will be challenged in a positive way. I’m sad to hear that you are in pain, and it can be helpful to realize that many others are as well (you are not as “alone” as you think). I really recommend reading this article: http://lonerwolf.com/overcoming-self-pity/

    • watergirl

      The friends I have are people who add to my life, not take away with it. I pride myself on the fact that I have few friends, but the ones I have I am very close too, and have been all my life.

      True friends shouldn’t be an effort to be around. We know we can call each other once every 6 months and things are still ok. We don’t have to meet definitions of society to be considered social.

      We don’t tolerate friendships that take away from us. Perfect example: My bff all my life is also a partial loner. After she was married for four months, I called her up and asked how married life was going. She tells me: “he is ALWAYS here”, I laughed, because I understood her frustration. But she could vent this to me. But not to anyone else, because everyone else would be horrified that she wasn’t all doe eyed and in love after 4 months of marriage.

      We can all admit to reality amongst ourselves.

      • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

        You’re lucky to have someone who understands you so well Watergirl, and someone to mutually confide in. :)

        My idea of true friends has always been respect; that they respect the person you are without wanting to change you, and they respect your boundaries without imposing any of their own expectations and beliefs about what is “right and acceptable” to do. To find one of these kinds of people, a person who doesn’t constantly take away from you, is very hard in my experience.


        • rashad

          Ive just turned 16 so i when seeing how older (adult) loners feel and get one with their lives relieved me

        • rashad

          Ive just turned 16 so i when seeing how older (adult) loners are living and being happy,that relieves me.you see at my school im one of the top students, so they try to say ( friends peers) that im sucked in by my constant studying, though im not, and others like me get bullied or harrassed ( occasionally) , but not me because im the be nice to me – i be nice to you, but otherwise youre in for a nasty fight.( im sorry if my english isnt perfect, thats mainy because its not my native language) and with my friends i have a couple of small conversations with about things that we both find interesting. But what i cannot do is that sitting with a group of people makes me feel uncomfortable, but interestingly ( or thats how i find it ) the “awkward silence i have when in such a situation i tend not to bother breaking it simply because i feel better to keeping to myself.
          I know that what ive said is a bit chaotic and somehow brainstorming ideas, but i just felt the urge to share some of my traits now that ive found people who i seem to share my loner character with.

          • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

            That’s understandable Rashad. Teenagers deal with a lot of discrimination and peer pressure, but as you age and develop a more solid identity and confidence in yourself, social contact will be less draining and harassing.

            I happy that this article, and comments, could show you that it’s perfectly fine and normal to be the way you are! Never change!


            • rashad

              Thanks for the support , i usually dont share my feelings much but here where there are others like me i feel obliged to

  • falka

    You are making such a huge mistake with this article: Confusing loneliness and lonesomeness. Loneliness is a feeling independent on how you want to feel about it, if it makes sense. If you are lonely, you can’t be happy no matter how many times you recite all types of mantras. Because loneliness is actually felt physiologically. Lonesomeness on the other hand is liking it being more on your own than with others (though still enjoying interaction, b/c in all honesty, you can try to deny it all you want but we all thrive off social interation) – which is what you are describing.
    Also, you are the one that seem not to understand things quite frankly. Loneliness can be a very driving force into one’s criminal activities as loneliness brings envy, hatred, moodiness, cynicism, etc. And that’s why the world ”loner” is always emphasized.

    If it’s possible to edit this article, it’d really be nice to do so. Because opinions change the world and your ”slippery” can change the world in the wrong way.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Hi Falka,

      I’m not quite clear on the distinctions you make between loneliness and lonesomeness. If you read the other articles on LonerWolf pertaining to loneliness, you would understand more of my perception regarding it. Loneliness and aloneness are two different things. While loneliness is an unwelcomed state that springs from an inner sense of destitution and emptiness, aloneness is the opposite. Aloneness, the way I see it, is a state of welcomed Solitude springing from inner wealth and wholeness. There are two kinds of loners: voluntary loners and involuntary loners, people who desire to be alone, and people who don’t desire to be alone. This article is discussing voluntary loners – or people who enjoy their aloneness.

      To me the word “loner” has always been associated with “aLONE”, which as I mentioned above has very different connotations to loneliness. Whatever the way we desire to define these words, I believe it is misguided to take a black and white view of the loners in society, assuming that they are all violent criminals – just as it’s wrong to assume all introverted people are stuck up snobs, plotting the end of the world.

      I hope this clears things up a bit.


  • Kam

    Both in the article and in all of the comments are some recurring themes: deep thoughts /insight, strong vocabulary, and no grammatical travesties. I’m in the loner camp, or at least one nearby – doing my own thing, and it’s great to see all of this!

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Loner camps only consist of one member, haha
      Thanks Kam! I’m happy to hear that this article could be so relatable, and there are, in fact, others out there who prefer their company over others!


    • watergirl

      I have come to that conclusion that most lonewolfs are very intelligent people. And the fact that we can so easily detect the maliciousness, fakeness, and pretending among humans, is a partial reason to why we are the way we are. It is emotionally draining to fake smiles all the time.

      • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

        It is watergirl. But a part of me has started to realize that: who said we ever had to? Sure it makes social interaction flow more smoothly, and people like us more, but I actually think people feel more comfortable not having carbon copies of themselves (at least, that is from my own perspective). I’ve begun to not smile as much as before, and while it’s difficult at first, after a while you get the hang of being more of your authentic self. It’s a work in process, definitely. But in the end the way we choose to act is our choice ultimately (as hard as that is to accept).

  • BeePot

    This article does sound like me a lot because I am actually content being alone. I was not like this always. I used to have friends but because of so many back-to-back tragedies, I felt a lot more happier and more secure with only myself. I didn’t really have to be consistently trying to fit in with people and i didn’t have to live in a fear of losing or being cheated on by people who once meant a lot to me. I slowly faded away from everyone’s life and I was depressed at first when I realized that no one gave a “damn” about me as no one even tried to contact me or anything. Everyone carries on with their life and I accept that.

    Being a loner is personally not that difficult, actually it is very comfortable because the only person that you have to keep up with is yourself. Being in the “spotlight” makes people do and become unimaginable and fake because their life is not solely theirs, it is for the many people they try to please.

    Accepting that you’re a loner initially is very difficult and I think it certainly gets better with time. You learn to live alone. You enjoy your own company. I, having lived both socially and alone, chose to be loner because I am not the type who tries to fit in or wants others to notice me. I am okay being alone and I am tired of telling the world that. It is not a disease, it is a preference that some people have.

    • Riley

      That sounds incredibly how I was at secondary school! I had been bullied at my previous schools for being the ‘misfit’, the girl who didn’t quite fit with the groups. Me being nervous at those schools wanted to fit in and at least have friends, but I was rejected at every group. Once at my secondary school, I was determined to fit in. Surprisingly I hit a lucky break, I had fit right at home with the 2nd ranking group which were surprisingly filled with the ‘misfits’ I stayed with them for 1 year and actually found a best friend. Although by my 2nd year, my dad died and it was like cloth came from my eyes, making me see how fake these girls actually were- they didn’t care. After this, I decided to leave the group and go off alone- this was hard as I had become accustomed to being with the group, wrapped up in protection like a caterpillar in its cocoon. I was again teased for being alone but I soon got used to it and still am :)

      It’s better to be a loner than to be surrounded by the fake people in society, to only look out for yourself an not have to watch your back all the time. And just like the website name, be a lone wolf. The coping I used to be accustomed to being a loner is exactly that- a lone wolf is strong, confident and stealthy, able to blend into its environment with professionalism- on its own, it may not survive well but at least it doesn’t have to battle to stay upon the hierarchy of the pack.

      • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

        Hi BeePot.

        You seem to show the essential difference between loneliness and aloneness in your comment: loneliness is a sense of inner and outer alienation, a dislike towards being alone. Aloneness is often accompanied by a sense of inner wholeness, and is sought after by a person. I’m happy to hear that you have made such an essential transition in your life. Thank you for sharing this.


    • Cat

      BeePot, this is an excellent observation you are making. I feel much the same, especially about the “fading away” part.
      I don’t think it happens out of ill will or even disinterest. I actually do believe that people still think and care about us faders. You are never truly and entirely forgotten until the last person who knew you dies.
      Maybe they just don’t know how to reach out or they feel let down as well – or they are turning into loners themselves! I am sure it has less to do with any kind of negative quality we might imagine we have. It’s really not about us all that much. It just happens. It’s a universal rule it seems.
      That’s why it’s best to not hold grudges, to see where you yourself may have played a part in it all, and to very much own your state of solitude. Then the real growing and enjoyment of self can begin, I think.

  • Gemini

    I am 21 years old and I am finally starting to come to terms with the fact that I am a loner.
    The hardest part is that everyone around me makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, so in response I start googleing possible disorders like antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder…. But none on the descriptions sound like me. I’m not violent, I’m not depressed, I don’t do drugs to “numb the pain” so to speak. So what’s wrong with me? I am a waitress at a bar/ restaurant and I never go out but I went into my work one night to have a drink and force myself to be social (since I feel like it’s what everyone expectes from me as a girl in her early 20’s… Go out and have fun, right?) and immediately my coworkers asked if I was there alone… As if it was social suicide to be seen alone in public. It made me feel selfconscious so I went home. I’ve always had the reoccurring question of “who am I?” Popping up in my mind. I am having a hard time accepting that no matter how hard I try, I am not a social butterfly, I am a loner. I enjoy my own company. I like taking trips by myself. I like long car rides alone. I get excited when I pull into my driveway and see no other cars (no one else is home, yay!). I think the only reason I have such a strong appetite for a social life is so I can do the things i want to do with another person so I am not labeled as a loner.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Suffering the wrath of the opinions of others seems to be the eternal plight of the loner (and in fact, ANYONE who is different in some way). I really understand where you are coming from Gemini. In fact, even my parents (who ironically are introverts), would motivate me to “get out more” and “get more friends” like one of my younger sisters.
      However, I’ve noticed that as I get older I feel more comfortable with the person I am, and discover my own little niches in life. I’ve noticed that other loners comment on this as well: it gets better with age.

      Always remember, however, that you’re not alone (another irony!)


      • http://acphelan1@aol.com Amy

        I remember when I was young that I liked being with my friends and also liked being alone. Then I had a family to raise and was happy to have any time alone just to get things done. Now my life has gone full circle and I am alone again. Now the world seems different, a self world where i am the initiator of keeping in contact with relatives and friends. People say they will call you or contact you but never do. Am I wrong for deciding not to keep in touch ? Am I better off going back to the way I was in my youth ? I have new found freedom and a lot of people are a bother. I spend lots of time listening to people talk about themselves. My job is very social and I get along well with others. I think being a loner is a good thing in my case because people are just not very thoughtful anymore. I might get lucky and find some true friends again but for now I am happy and not lonely.

  • Tafadzwa

    please help me. im a loner. it so happened to me maybe because im the only girl in our family. im 26 now. here in Africa, girls get married at between 18-25 and because im a loner, im afraid this is affecting me and i might not be able to get married. i dont like partying, i stay alone and i dont like visitors or visiting athers. everyday after work i switch off my phone, and when im at home, i pretend as if im not there. but i love being alone, is this normal ?

    • http://lonerwolf.com/luna/ Aletheia Luna

      Hello Tafadzwa.

      You need to ask yourself what means the most to you, and what will make you the happiest and most fulfilled in the long term: maintaining your solitude, or marrying? Really try to discover what is going to make you the happiest out of these two options (as the answer is different for everyone).

      The solution at the end of the day, is in your own hands. Whatever conclusion you make will then guide your behavior. For instance: if you love your solitude more, you may like to consider emigrating to a place that has a different culture (here is a list of introverted countries: http://lonerwolf.com/most-introverted-countries-in-the-world/). However, if you decide that you want to get married, you will need to take steps out of your comfort zone and learn a new way of living, slowly.

      I hope this makes sense. All the very best,


  • Miranda joanna thornton

    This is a good article regarding loners. People are apt to consider loners a bit strange. Can’t think why myself they aren’t all going around doing nasty things to other people. I am a loner myself by choice I like my own company as I have grown older I am 66 years old now I have found that I can’t always hack other people company especially the one’s who keep gossiping and prying into other people’s business. And the one’s who drone on and on about how wonderful it is to be married ( I am single by choice) and how wonderful having kids is. I don’t agree with that utterance at all. And another comment I sometimes get do you prefer dogs to kids ( I have a Yorkshire terrier) When I alone with my dog I can relax and go for long walks over my local park which I like doing. I do have friends yes but we don’t live in each other’s pockets. I am not lonely I love my life so I don’t want some people to invade my inner sanctum so to speak.

    • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

      It’s frustrating, isn’t it Miranda? People fear what they don’t understand, and this fear is manifested in subtle ways such as gossiping and criticism. As long as you are content with your life, that is all that should matter.


  • fleur

    Great article…
    I was on my couch…my 2 young boys having the weekend with their father..and yet again..I am home alone..I am a loner..since leaving high school..I have not had a best friend…until I met my future husband..as he was very social..he being an Aquarius & myself a Taurus….he’d always be out to parties..etc..which he’d have me go to..which always made me feel uncomfortable..but I got use to it..though still treasuring my time alone at home..in my garden..and peace & quiet.
    I’m divorced now after 12 years..and it’s just me and my boys…but I do feel guilty about not being a ” high achiever “..as I’m not very confident…I often feel bad about not socialising.
    My sister is the opposite…an Aries and high achiever..& very sociable…she is always trying to…help me out..as she sees it..to ” get out there “….often asking..so…what have you done with yourself…blah..blah…I feel really guilty after seeing her..why is that..?.

    • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

      Thank you Fleur. Sounds as though a part of you still wishes to be a different way, to live up to the expectations of others, and to behave the way other people behave. This creates a difficult duality within you: on one hand you enjoy your solitude (it’s where you thrive the best), but on the other you feel guilty because you are not living up to the unconscious expectations you are setting for yourself. Once you wholeheartedly accept yourself, and let other people know why you are the way you are (i.e. due to your fundamental temperament), you will feel a lot less guilt.

      I hope this makes sense.


  • Jon

    Thank you for your article. You’ve touched on some really great points, such as loners being misunderstood. I’m 34 years old, and a loner. I wasn’t always a loner, for instance in grade school I had many friends, I was in school band, took part in activities, etc. I’m not anti-social, but I’ve always been an avid reader and I just enjoy peace and quiet. So much of many “average people” chatter non-stop about total nonsense, as if there is a need to fill that gap between words with something greater than perfect silence. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that the more time I spend alone, the more myself I feel. I observe people in groups and they kind of share the same mindset: An Alpha, followed by a bunch of Betas. There is some reasoning behind this “pack mentality”, and maybe I understood it a while back and just forgot. The whole idea of needing someone to follow or being surrounded by people is just ridiculous to me. I go to the movies by myself, go out to eat by myself, go into the city by myself. I enjoy going with friends as well, but when I do things myself, I don’t need to have a set agenda. I don’t need to plan anything. I go wherever the wind takes me and am constantly surprised by the interesting people I meet when I’m by myself. That is empowering to me, to be able to just get up and go wherever I want without having to need anyone else or notify anyone else or be responsible for anyone else. I get lost in books, and if I ever do feel bored, I mentally conjure up every adventure I’ve been on. There are literally worlds of fictional data floating around in my head, and if I focus enough, I’m flowing over these wonderfully alien landscapes, surveying places that are so perfect and beautiful, they could not exist in our world except in human imagination. I retreat to these places when I’m at work, almost reflexively, as I hear about co-workers discussing the latest “American Idol” or “Cake Boss” or some other pop culture TV show that makes relatively zero difference in the world at large. I have learned how to be very still in a world that wants us all to drive 180 miles an hour into a maelstrom of unabated commercialism and consumerism. I prefer the stillness here, and in this stillness and solitude, I find myself and I find peace.

    • suresh

      Very good article. It was not until recently, I realized that there are more people out there like me. I thought myself special, super sensitive and accused myself for being me, but not anymore. Being alone made me feel like a boss, but in a group, I almost always chose the back stage near the exit. While spending time with those really special one or two, I showcase myself with all flying colors. But, when they choose to backstab me, I don’t feel the urge to accuse them for their actions but to find a way to go far far away from them. I also see a loner as some one who wants to keep his sanity, so, he constantly moves on even though he is alone.

      Since there were comments concerning solitary jobs, I would like to share with you the following. My first job was with an automobile major, and It was my dream job. I did my duties perfectly and was confident of climbing the ladders of success. But, in the second year, I realized what is truly needed to survive in corporate. I was told that I can’t get the appraisal since I wasn’t very social with the group. I would love to report my work to my boss and present my results to the higher ups, but I hated those late night parties with the team. I couldn’t tolerate the fact that my ability to work is judged on the basis of these menial things. Then I had to choose something really different. I chose to continue my studies and am doing my doctorate in science. I am very satisfied and I almost always work alone except for the weekly meeting where I present my ongoing procedures. I go back to my cave every evening and reinforce my shield for the next day. I really hate the conferences though, where you have to present a poster and talk with drunk people. Except that its okay. I am really looking forward to get an academic position in some corner of the world.

      • suresh

        oops sorry… I intended it to be a standalone reply to the article.

        • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

          Suresh – I’m amazed at how much your comment sounds like something I would have written, especially the part about work parties and get-togethers. These really are the bane of the loner’s existence. Actually, being a female loner I think is more difficult than being a male loner. Females are naturally expected to socialize more and to be more personable and amiable, which I find extremely difficult to fake.

          Thank you for your recommendations regarding jobs. :)


    • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

      Hi there Jon, thank you for your comment. I really enjoyed reading it. :)

      It’s comforting to know that there are people out there who are perfectly fine being by themselves, perfectly comfortable and perfectly harmonious with solitude. Being a loner certainly gives you a lot of freedom once you learn to embrace it and enjoy your own company.

      Thank you again for your comment,


    • Eternaldevastation666

      Extroversion is just the chemical product of ego, temptation and remorseless psychological torment. I’m proud to be a loner and misanthrope. Screw what those “average people” think. That’s their loss. Stay true to yourself, brave one

  • chronic

    I got a important question and would really love to hear your experience…do you feel people look down on you and treat you like you less of a human being because youre a loner…its true that human beings are social beings by nature but if you do youre research there’s people who are born without a need for social dependancy…there must a gud explanation for these people becuz if there wasnt they wouldnt exist…peace

    • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

      Hi Chronic.

      Yes, people do tend to look down on me when I tell them that I’m a loner/highly introverted by nature. It’s something people like to make fun of, or treat you differently because. But I’m fortunate to have developed a strong self-esteem that prevents me from getting too affected.

      Well if you look at the animal kingdom for instance, you will find that most animals are sociable by nature. However, there are also many animals that are solitary – even Wikipedia provides a list of them: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_solitary_animals
      So I do believe that there are anomalies – exceptions to the rule.


      • chronic


  • Unknown Soldier

    As a loner myself, I quite like this article and comments and responses. Why? because, to be honest I don’t feel “quite” so abnormal.

    Let’s face it, loners are a minority, that’s the number 1 reason they are shunned (like most things in society, that doesn’t run with the majority)

    I’d be a liar if I said i NEVER felt like a complete alien/abnormal from time to time, lonely, depressed from spending my life alone…. but it is actually liveable.

    Whether I am a loner by circumstance or “choice”.. (I like to think it’s a bit of both) but really, initially at least, it wasn’t the latter, I think it was because of the way I was raised, (I didn’t have the best childhood or family upbringing but hey I won’t bore you with all the details) , fall-outs with close highschool friends, betrayals, drugs, psych wards, rhematoid arthritis etc etc

    I do think even loners need social interaction from time to time, on the rare occassion just to get away from always thinking in their own heads. But I also feel super-social types need to learn how to spend some more time alone, to get get in touch with their “true-inner-selves” and not be defined by everyne else. The thing that bugs me the most about super-social types, (apart from all the back-stabbing then sweet to your face) is they come across as having a “sheep-like” mentality, they’ll think/dress/act like everyone does because fitting-in is the number priority and therefore have no individuality or even I dare say deep thinking?…no originality either!!. I mean if you can’t think for yourself what the f#2k is the point of living or even being you??? ..I think this is the reason allot of creative types are loners.

    I also think, It can be incredibly hard to transform into a super social person, being a loner, having lived one a long time. people do not understand the difficulties, especially when you are always branded and viewed as “the odd one out” the “maniac” “the serial killer” etc by OLD crowds, sad to say I don’t think their view of you will EVER change, no matter how great of a person you are, no matter what you achieve those very people from the past will keep you down socially (At least I think) why should you have to be defined as a person by them???

    I think finding new crowds is the solution..for this… I just haven’t tried hard enough, and inevidably just get “used” to being alone. (But I don’t actually think I’m “special” because I’m a loner, I don’t “hate” super-social people, at least ones from the past… just not on the same wavelength.)

    The thing I dislike about being a loner, is I tend to dwell in the past allot.

    There have been allot of great artists, philosophers, writers etc etc in history that were loners.

    • Unknown Soldier

      What i’d say to other loners is to avoid facebook! (aka facadebook or ego-prop) Old faces can be haunting, being re-trapped in a highschool popularity contest would be the very last thing you need.

      • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

        Thank you for the comment Unknown Soldier.

        Yes, I think that is one of the most difficult things to live with – the ideas people form of you. If you’re not well grounded within yourself, or don’t have a solid self-esteem, then the opinions of other people can slowly shatter you. People form their opinions of you within the first 10 seconds of meeting you (they say), and it can be really difficult to change that perception of you.

        That is definitely one of the greatest pressures of being a loner; that niggling thought in the back of the mind that people are constantly judging you. I guess that’s why I personally don’t like to create connections with many people. Anonymity is my shield: in work, in public, in domestic life.

        Thank you for your thoughts and recommendations!


        • chronic

          And luna…since youre a introvert im guessing you have a lot of time on your hands so if youre bothered about people judging you try learning about them…once you have the knowledge that you no more about them than they do and you understand the motives behind thier behaviour you will never care what they think again…gud luck :)

          • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

            Everyone would do well to apply this advice to themselves.
            We often tend to perceive the actions of other people through our own limited perspectives, without putting ourselves in their shoes. This creates most of the issues in our lives.

            -Luna :)

        • Unknown Soldier

          Sorry about the late reply, “anonymity is my shield” I like that.

          Yes I do believe people pretty much judge on anything and everything (even if it’s subconsciously) whether it be appearance/sex appeal, social status, income, political views, religious/non-religious views, race, gender, age, you name it! …Actually, sometimes I find it quite hard to have a positive outlook on humanity in general. I think it’s just human nature for people to sh#t on each other!! ….especially if it’s for their own personal gain! sometimes I think ‘damn I’m living in the wrong age’ but nah…people were always like this.

          I remember in high school, it was what kind of clothes you wore and music you listened to that defined you,…those little circles, ‘what drug of choice’ even little things like preferring cats or dogs, or skateboards or bmx etc etc that people would form opinions on you from.

          Allot of the popularity was also just based on bullsh#t like whether or not you lived close to the school, or had a big house that kids could party in or not etc etc… most of the time so-called ‘cool kids’ they were just the rich kids.

          I honestly think, people are more naturally divided by things than they are joined. I mean if you think of all the religious conflicts/wars in history just over “differing beliefs” class systems etc

          Anyway back to the topic in article, yes it’s true many serial killers, psychopaths etc were loners but also many weren’t? I mean you mention Himmler, What about Adolf Hitler?, he was a social guy! he was well liked! just think of all the kings, emperors, rulers (people of HIGH social status) responsible for mass killings/death/suffering all throughout human history!

          That’s why I call bullshit on people that think being a loner must mean you are some kind of creep/deviant/dangerous…

          In my experience, Go with the flow types, they are not necessarily more trustworthy at all!…just better at putting on the facade for society (but being a loner, you don’t even really ‘need’ trust) I find it to be quite a liberating thing, not having to have ‘expectations’ of people, you’re no longer be disappointed..especially spending birthdays/NYE’s valentines alone . Then when good things come your way, on the odd occasion it’s nice surprise…

    • chronic

      I understand your points of view..u jus had a lot of bad experiences so you withdrew from ppl…if more people had COMPASSION and being a bully was a crime there would a lot less loners….assholery from other people is wat causes most people to become a loner in the first place…peace

    • chronic

      And unknown soldier…I couldnt agree more about the part of finding new crowds….theres a whole world out there…why be worried about a tiny segment who wont accept u eh

      • Unknown Soldier

        Sorry Chronic my reply was meant for Luna.

        Actually, there’s times in my life I’ve been an arsehole and judgemental prick myself.
        As a 30 year white Australian male, I can be pretty racist and sexist, at least, those thoughts naturally go through my head. I’m not a left-wing conformist, that’s probably another reason I’m a loner, I don’t go along with the current status quo…

        I Been with about 10 women, from highschool till now. half of them were stupid flings. All of them were just liars/cheaters/whores. Guess I’ve just had bad luck? Now I’m 30, I think they are still just the same thing, except now they expect big houses? =S!

        I have serious trust issues with women, I think another reason I’m a loner is because I’m living far from the city, in a unit surrounded by strange aliens that don’t speak English…. lol

        • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

          Hi Unknown Soldier,

          I know, and the funniest thing of all is that after leaving high school, you realize that adult life is pretty much an exact replica of high school years. There are the popular people, the unpopular people, the winner and the losers – the social dynamics are pretty much the same. The world (especially the Western side), has a very teenage-mentality. I’m a strong believer in Soul Ages, and from what I have observed most adults have a 15-16 year old mindset that focuses on success, social status and material happiness. It’s a very alienating experience for me, which is perhaps why I enjoy being a loner – solitude is my solace.

  • chronic

    Yh im a lone wolf who is very strong and tall and reads alot about war so naturally people see me as a possible future serial killer but im not dumb and I have no interest in killing other people..I just want to be left alone and find a solitary job..in a genuis and if I ever did make friends it would only be with other loners so stay true and dnt let society get to u…peace

    • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

      I have the same desire Chronic (to find a solitary job – so difficult though). Thank you for reading. :)


      • chronic

        Wish you all the best with that…and np…im on the side of the underdog…if that makes me a outcast den so be it

  • umut

    I’ve read most of the comments and I want to add my religious perspective as a muslim. I think solitude is the main way of becoming mature and taking responsibility. Human beings are meant to become self sufficient emotionally in the end where they start their journey as a completely dependent baby. Our holy book Quran says that on the judgment day all bonds of relativity and social connectedness will disappear and every person will be held responsible for his life alone. For a person to become honestly close to god he needs solitude so that he will not be distracted. They say prophet Mohammad started to withdraw from humans and usually go to a mountain to think when he was reaching his forties before he started having the revelations.

    The loneliness meant here is not a selfish loneliness but a responsible, compassionate loneliness. The ones who overrate being social or socialism as an ideology (like a commenter’s joke) are usually the ones who benefit from it materially or mentally. Without social influence you can not have power in this world unless of course you are a tyrant who uses force to make people do what he wants.

    I personally would not have any problem with long periods of no social interaction if only I had a compatible spouse but that’s another story. I still feel lacking though for being a loner but this feeling is out of my control. The two writers of this website seem to be rather comfortable with who they are and I envy that. I do not want to fall into the mistake of labeling myself but being a loner is a big part of my personality. I just wanted to share my ideas and thank you.

    • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

      Hello Umut, I appreciate your perspectives, which are rather unique to this blog.

      In many religions, Solitude is indeed highly valued as a way to grow closer to a God or gods. This can also be taken metaphorically; becoming closer to your higher and diviner self. Only by understanding, and growing deep bonds with ourselves can we hope to grow deep bonds with others.

      Your feeling of lacking is common, so don’t despair. Labeling yourself as a loner is not a mistake, as it allows you to grow in greater acceptance of who you are. Only when you accept yourself, and your perceived faults, flaws and quirks, can you hope to develop some level of self-respect and self-love.

      Many thanks once again for reading,


  • Laura M.

    Reading over the comments, you all seem like such lovely people! I am in high school myself, and I’m a loner. I really hate how much negativity there is towards loners, especially in high school and college, but throughout life. I like being my own person and going against the social norm, and I really wish my teachers would see that. There’s so much of a “if you’re not going to parties and getting drunk with friends all the time, you must be a loser” vibe from other students, and it’s complete bs.

    Loved this article so much, thanks for taking the time to write it.


    • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

      You sound like a very level-headed person Sarah, and I’m delighted to hear that you enjoyed reading this article. I do hope that you continue to value the person you are, and to not give way to the immature garbage that often corrupts younger people.
      Many thanks for reading and commenting!

  • http://www.dharma.zenfolio.com Tracey

    Love what you wrote…thank you. I am in my mid forties, single, no children and female. I have a corporate job and outside of that do mostly creative work including modeling. I find people look at my images and see something I am not, or that is an aspect of me. I prefer to be with my pets, do artwork, spend time by myself and once in awhile with a friend. Sometimes it is lonely and one day I want a partner. For the most part I really enjoy time with myself.

    • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

      Hello Tracey.
      It’s refreshing to hear that you are mostly comfortable being alone, and that you don’t desperately need other people in your life to make you happy and whole – although it is natural to desire a partner and someone to share your thoughts and experiences with.
      I had a look at your creative modeling work, and I must complement you on your pictures.
      All the best, L

  • Karen Alone


    I have often wondered if there is something “abnormal” about me, and I’m convinced I am a true loner.

    In high school, I was popular, the prom queen, homecoming queen candidate, cheerleader, scholarship in music, and partied with friends all the time…had to be out every night at a club…all the way into my 30s. I lived in Orlando then.

    I was married three times by the time I was 30. I was tall, tan, and considered beautiful in my youth. People wanted to be with me.

    I moved home from Orlando to a small Midwestern state, into my home town of 1400, bought a house, and at 50 decided I would get to have the one thing I’d wanted all my life…a horse, my passion.

    Since I’ve moved home, I’ve been alone for 20 years. I dated a few times, got bored, loved my dogs and horse more and found them to be more fun. My family was small, mom an only child, dad with a brother and sister and one child between them, and my brother was killed when he was 22 and I was 24. My mother passed away seven years ago, so now, I truly am all alone.

    I like being alone. I am glad that I don’t have in-laws with whom to deal, no kids that make me crazy. I research a lot of things on the internet, love to look into every thing from cloning Wooly Mammoths to try to figure out why I’m enjoying my life so much more now than I ever have. I like being with me more than anyone else. I like me.

    I don’t follow style, I see no need. I gave away all my dresses and skirts and now like to be comfortable. I mostly wear blazers and jeans and clogs when I go out of town. Most of the time, I’m in the house. There’s so much to do in here.

    On holidays, people invite to their celebrations. I want to be at home during holidays. I love being at home. I love learning. I’m not a girlie-girl and don’t giggle and act silly.

    Why has this life-style been so comfortable for me. I really enjoy being a “loner.” I’ve been in the newspaper business for years, even published my own paper until they became extinct, and now I work at home for a chiropractor, processing claims and managing his two offices. I will go back to work, probably this summer after I have a hip replacement, but I’m really enjoying my time at home, too.

    The only answer I can come up with for the way I enjoy living is that I simply enjoy being with me more than anyone else. I am a homebody. I don’t need anyone to make me complete…I am already complete.

    I am fiercely independent and enjoy challenges such as fixing the faucet myself, working on my house i.e. painting, sanding, whatever… I will try to fix things myself. I once painted my house and people offered to help, but I said, no, I just want to do this by myself. It was my project and I wanted to do it. Is that selfish. I felt great satisfaction when it was done.

    So, why am I so content and happy being really alone?

    BTW, I am now 64, still tall, not so tan, but look good.

    So, anybody find anything wrong about this? I don’t. Other people don’t quite get it, especially that, since the age of 16, I knew I didn’t want to have children. Some women are maternal, I am not. I don’t like to cook, haven’t had a stove for more than 10 years, but I do have a commercial microwave!

    I just simply live my life the way I want to live it.

    Blessings to all you loners,

    • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

      Hi there Karen.

      Thank you for sharing! I enjoyed reading the progression of your life from a popular, social young person, to a comfortable solitary person. Such an amazing transformation!
      I especially love this part of your comment: “I am a homebody. I don’t need anyone to make me complete…I am already complete.” This is completely motivational poster worthy!

      Many thanks for your inspiring and supportive words!


  • John

    If you really are an introvert, why do you care what other people think about you? Also, humans are naturally social beings, so of course it is considered abnormal when one is not social. You should talk to a psychologist about this, honestly, they would explain it better than I in regards to why society considers loners outsiders.

    • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

      John, I’m not sure quite what you mean?
      Even introverts/loners struggle with self-acceptance, which is the reason why I wrote this article.
      Society fears what it fails to understand, and I do believe that there are always exceptions to the rule you stated of humans being social beings.

      • John

        What I am saying is: moving to a country where there is a smaller population and thus an increased percentage of people that describe themselves as loners won’t solve the problem of being judged by others. Furthermore, Humans are naturally social creatures. Whether we like it or not it is in our Darwinian background. We are naturally social and tend to try to be with others – traveling in packs for an example. Wolves, dingoes, hyenas, bison, and rats tend to live in groups. The reason that in a darwinian/evolutionary context that we are naturally social, and other animals in this case “social” is to help promote safety, a large herd tends to not lose a population to a predator. Then there is another reason for animals living in groups, they do it to raise their young. Another reason is greater success in finding, killing, or defending prey. While wolves are more successful while hunting alone, they can’t defend their food alone – thus making it better for wolves to hunt in groups in order to ensure each gets his share of food. Also, groups tend to help with mating.

        Why am I explaining the biologist’s outlook on animals forming groups? Because I wanted to show you that humans, like dingoes and other types of apes, are naturally social and why being a loner is considered abnormal by our species. It is because our species itself is not biologically reclusive. Though people do not think of the scientific reasons for the view that being a loner is abnormal, it is extremely scientific.

        I do not think we are debating here, but I thought I would quote a professor of Physical Anthropology: “Cooperation isn’t just a byproduct of competition, or something done only because both parties receive some benefit from the partnership,” says Sussman, professor of physical anthropology in Arts & Sciences. “Rather, altruism and cooperation are inherent in primates, including humans.”

        Scientists go further into detail about this situation, shown by a quote from Robert Cloninger, a Psychiatrist and geneticist:

        “Prosocial behavior is an essential component of health and happiness in human beings. Selfish and uncooperative behavior, on the other hand, is a sign of mental dysfunction because it is strongly associated with life dissatisfaction and ill health.”

        I hope this gives some insight on why loners are viewed as abnormal, and why just moving does not change this view.

        • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

          Hey John,

          Thank you for your interesting response.

          We are naturally social, and evolution has proved this … yet in nature we observe that there are solitary animals who thrive perfectly well alone as well. A list here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_solitary_animals So if there are exceptions in nature, surely there are exceptions in humanity? How can evolution explain the tendencies of these solitary creatures?

          As I stated above, people who challenge the validity and “naturalness” of being a loner are often fundamentally ignorant, confused and many times afraid of the unknown world of loners. Also, you perpetuate the stereotype of the loner being “selfish and uncooperative” in your quote from the psychiatrist Cloninger. Who ever said that the behavior of loners was self-centered and uncooperative? This is a further demonstration of the lack of understanding and hostility shown towards those who prefer to spend their time solo.


        • Michelle

          We are an advanced species and the days of needing the protection of being in a group are becoming less necessary. As our species evolves further it may even be more likely that there is a increase in loners as many will find they don’t really need the pack for survivability.

  • http://yahoo Regina

    When I was in high school I liked being the loner. I had very few friends and intended for it to be that way. I liked that I was unique from everyone.That all changed when I got to college because I started to feel a lot of pressure to become that stereotypical, socially active college student. I couldn’t live up to others expectations of how life was supposed to be and I felt inadequate and awkward. After that I lost all the self esteem I had been building up. So now I hate being alone simply because others see it as unhappy and want me to be different.

    • http://lonerwolf.com Aletheia Luna

      Hi Regina. If you want to live up to other people’s expectations of you, that is your decision to make. After all, we are all each responsible for the way in which we react to the external world, and if we react by mistreating ourselves, we deal with the consequences. So although it’s unfair that this has happened to you, the only person who can improve your life is yourself. Personally, I dropped out of university and found that it was the best decision I ever made. Such a waste of time and money, and for what? A bit extra money, a flimsy paper degree? I decided to get an apprenticeship instead, and it was the best decision I made. Perhaps this could be a good route for you? Nevertheless, I hope you are able to regain your enjoyment of solitude. There is no point in being someone you are not in the end. Very few people can keep up the façade unfortunately.

  • http://GMAIL NESSA

    HIYA I dont really know why i live in solitary,but ive a rough idea,i lost 6 of my closest friends that i loved so much through tragedy,i never had a warm loving family but these became my family,first time i was really accepted,loved&protected,i also got very ill&im bi-polar&have suffered extreme depression for the past 4yrs just wanting to be dead really but recently ive been told my hosp that my health is on the up&feeling so much better,i was a social butterfly once,always out there,very popular,partying&friends in tow all the time,ive moved around constantly,that might not help?my partner died 10yrs ago,love of my life the signs were showing then it was a tragic death&i withdrew&found grief was easier to handle if i was on my own,i felt more comfortable&at ease&i would feel his spirit around me,im sure i felt he would come if i was alone?anyway i thought its ok to be alone,its wot i need?10yrs later im still pushing ppl away,backing out of stuff,not wanting to answer phone or door,i want a life,but ppl fail me or annoy me,ive noticed ppl are not to be trusted no more&anytime i let someone in i get burnt?so yep it kind of puts me off&i mean its every single time i kick myself up the ass to be social i see or hear something i really dont like&go away with the attitude you better off at home alone?trust me ive been through some crap over the years,but then i think of ppl like “Enya”in Ireland who lives in a castle on her own?many,mant ppl live a hermit lifestyle in Ireland esp if in countryside&its not classed as weird,but coz Enya lives in populated wexford or wherever i forget sorry?ppl think shes some kind of nut? lots of ppl rich or poor famous or not?family or not?choose to live alone,i love ppl but i rather only see ppl for short periods of time,like at moment ive someone who comes to my house&talks at me for 4-6hrs thats a long time&vey irritating,can you see why i want to be left alone&not answer my door coz i get this kind of extremism?i find unbearable but i cant say at my door its ok you can come in but ive only an hour to spare?thats rude so i choose to ignore door,then mobiles?omg!im thinking of throwing mine in bin all it is is a tracking device for ppl who want tyo see you or be with you or stalk etc?ive started ignoring my phone or id get hastled where r you?when can i see you?right im on my way,damn it!im on my own,im sorry ppl dont know why but am?most ppl irritate the hell out of me ppl have gotten nasty,spiteful&not trustworthy,im sorry i feel that way when ppl know wot i go through they do undestand but im sik of explaining to ppl wots wot?so solitude it is!…..

    • Luna

      Nessa, it seems as though all the grief you have suffered in life, and the losses you have experienced have contributed to your desire to live alone. Life is unpredictable, chaotic, and that’s scary, especially when it takes the people you love away from you. Life gives and life takes. Solitude in a way is a protective mechanism to shield you from anymore loss or grief. If you’re alone, you don’t have much to lose do you, or much to grieve? But the more people you love, the more you open yourself up to bereavement. I hope these thoughts make sense.

  • James Dean

    some people are just meant to be alone and its not their fault! If nobody invites you anywhere
    you can’t force yourself on people for christ sake. I ve been a loner my whole life. If nobody wants to be with me then the HELL with them! funny how bullies have a lot of friends…
    If your nice, people don’t like you… You have to be an A-hole to fit in with the world..

    • http://lonerwolf.com Luna

      Thanks for your perspectives James. It’s interesting observing the world. I’ve noticed that after leaving high school and university, every other social setting (work, meetings, seminars etc.) revolves around a certain social hierarchy. Usually the most charming, social, but also the most ruthless and sly make it to the top, while the quieter, less charming ones drift down to the bottom. In the end you really have to find your own niche and stick to it. If you’re a loner by nature, there’s no need to react to the people who criticize, because then you place importance into what they have to say. Indifference is the best tool, one that will allow you to go on with your life, and your passions as you desire.

  • JTD

    Yes, I’m American and I live in America, unfortunately… It seems that every year Americans take one more step towards insanity–and don’t even realize it…

    I live in Northern New Jersey which, is itself, a rather maligned state… First, we have this appaulingly stinking urban garbage ghetto city called Newark (which is in itself a colony of NYC) which houses Newark Airport (I think they recently renamed it to something idiotic) so any passengers coming and going assume that all of NJ is one big stinking cement hole of smog and pollution… In reality NJ is known as The Garden State because much of it is trees and Pine Barrens… If that’s not enough though we’ve got two horrible shows which make it look like a garbage state: Jersey Shore and the infamous The Sopranos… They are but tiny fractions of the state and, of course, these shows are populated by actors not real people… Though Chris Christie who is NJ’s governor is looking to run for the presidency (and He Is a Mafia man!)… But here I go again, babbling!

    In many ways, Texas is The Model for America’s future… Then again, Texas is pretty much the Republican Party’s capital state and if you’ve followed American politics, the Right Wing have really gone off the deep end in the past decade or two… The Religious Right Own the Republican Party, and that includes these Televangelist preachers who think 9/11 and the various tornadoes and catastrophes which have hit America are God’s Punishment for taking prayer out of schools, giving rights to gays, allowing abortions, and all that other funky stuff… They are in fact the descendants of the Civil War losers who had the joy of slavery taken away from their plantations… The concept of a “smart Negro” in the White House is insane and irrational to them… Prior to the previous election they put out a propaganda film knocking Obama (“2016″), and starting all sorts of irrational slander attacks (“Birthers” being one, Obama being the Anti-Christ being another)…
    Yes, these people are very ignorant, Anti-Science, and are basically the American equivalent of the Taliban… They also have a lot of power and wealth to get their job done, which when it comes down to it means replacing America’s constitutional democracy with a kind of oligarchic fascist theocracy (“One Nation Under Christ”) in accordance with what’s known as Dominionism… Most Americans don’t see it this way though because the two political parties superficially look the same from a distance–and Americans only understand things Superficially from a distance!

    I miss the past when I was young and had fewer worries, or worries which appear trivial to me today… Today, this country is just so full of Hate, Ignorance, and Discrimination… But it beats living in an Islamic country where Atheists like myself would be Beheaded!

    People have always painted me as a loser, for all reasons I’ve stated… I can’t find a soul mate or a friend here… I’d really like to find an intelligent person I can have deep discussions with, but I fear it’s impossible (unless maybe I become a millionaire and “connections” materialize with the top brains of this country–but that’s not me, either!)…

    Everything here is now so superficial! You are judged by how Outgoing you are and your number of friends… You are judged by your wealth (or more precisely how much of it you let hang out, as in luxury cars and those ugly boxes-on-wheels called SUVs!)… You are judged by what brand name items you carry around with you and flaunt… Those who don’t play this game are considered inferiors and are rejected, and from there they may be considered bums or unsophisticated or backwards, or just plain Mental!

    I find myself alienated and terribly misunderstood by everyone…

  • Elisa

    I think that in America for exampe, they have so many mass shootings because theirs is a culture that nurtures a fearful, negative attitude towards anything that isn’t go-getting and extroverted.

    It ends up being that that kind of society creates what it fears: that by ostracizing a type of person on the basis of suspicion that they are crazy and dangerous, they end up pushing always some of those people into becoming just that. Gun control cannot be the real reason (though I hate to back up the NRA with that); the real reason is the social exclusion of certain people – introverted people, shy persons and any people dealing with a mental illness.

    For all the loners who go out and shoot people, there are surely dozens (if not more) who commit suicide because they have been given the message that they are second or third class, if not even worthless. …so, while much ado is made of the physical violence by these one in a thousand (if not more) “loners” (and there have hot to be plenty more loners who never act out against others), who is soeaking up for the long sufferring schizophrenic who, whilst never posing any threat to anybody, endures daily voices that put her down constantly, only to be almost utterly abandoned by all of her old friends and even put down by her own family …who speaks up for the subtle psychological violence done to society’s most vulnerable.

    And it isn’t JUST a fear of the mentally ill or the loner type acting violently, it is in fact a limited lack of appreciation for difference – and associated wrong ideas and judgments about being a certain way.

    Just as you write: it’s this wrong idea that a person alone could ONLY ever be lonely. That they are peobably also depressed. That introversion is mental illness. ….it’s telling that psychiatrists in the US were recently considering making Introversion a listed mental illness in their DSM, diagnostic manual.

    Actually, again it is kind of self perpetuating, since apparently they say that shyness is on the rise in the US. – So, introversion is almoat outlawed, the mentally ill are practically considered sub-human (you have to admire Hitler at least for being consistent, as opposed to full of crap) and people are increasingly coming down with anxiety problems and struggling with shyness.

    Pressure to conform to just one way of being. The world, at least in the West (though I think other countries are getting Americanized) is just out of balance.

    If you read Elaine Aron’s book or he book ” Quiet”, I think they talk about how the quieter more reflective souls have been ignored for a while now amd that the world is paying for it with economic hardship and environmental disaster.

    Ironic that in Eastern cultures like India, the Priest class was considered right at the top. Now, the quiet, gentle, loner type is seen as disturbed and non-competitive with all the outgoing extroverts, and therefore, is passed over or neglected.

    ….excuse me if I ranted a bit. A little frustrated… (I seem stuck in a vicious circle of social exclusion – from being harassed for not being feminine enough, to the struggling in work because of a developed phobia, to then being passed over years later, even after four years of working for any new jobs based on my past lack of experience. …how much fighting does a person have to do? …like Leonard Cohen sings in “Everybody Knows”: ‘the poor stay poor, the rich get rich. That’s how it goes. Everybody knows.” and: “Everybody knows the deal is rotten, old black Joe’s still pickin’ cotton for you ribbons and bows. Everybody knows.”

    • JTD

      Well, at least in my particular case, it comes down to Alienation…

      My hometown was raped by super-Conservative Bush-kissers; the guys who basically became millionaires by backing G.W. Bush’s war efforts…
      These showy, Alpha Male jerkoffs are the exact Opposte of me. All they do is
      spend-spend-spend on looking big, powerful, elitist… Conspicuous Consumption and Waste is their way of life… A once agricultural, working class town they’re raped–now most of the forests are gone, replaced with wall-to-wall McMansions… SUVs everywhere, luxury cars everywhere… Every new McMansion is bigger than the previous… Why do families of 4 require
      nearly a dozen bathrooms? How many oversized SUVs does each family need? We’ve got a reservoir here put in back in the 1960s to provide drinking water–it’s not good enough for these people who think tap water is “poison” and will only drink bottled water, and do in fact have it delivered to their homes! Massive driveways composed of hand-laid stone or brick (which is
      hand-cut on the spot and completed like a jigsaw puzzle) flown in from Europe is the latest craze… When one neighbor has it, the others have to have it… The battle of the assholes (or keeping up with the Joneses) all around… One spotlight on a house isn’t enough, they have to have over a dozen–and leave them on all night so I can’t get any sleep with them blazing through my bedroom windows! One gets an olympic-sized swimming pool, the others have to have one just as big… And don’t get me started on their oh-so-green-and-precious genetically-engineered sod lawns which need weekly attendence by landscape workers… The old neighbors used to cut their own lawns–for these guys, that’s Peasant work! Besides, these
      contractors have huge gas-guzzling, fumes-spewing contraptions to make plenty of noise and attract plenty of attention… And all those wonderful poisionous fertilizers and crap they lay down does a nice job on killing the local wildlife, too… I’ve got natural ground covering around my house, and it doesn’t need anything but me to take care of it… They have 4 or 5 garages
      but they’re always empty… Why? Hiding your luxury car behind a garage door defeats the purpose of owning a luxury car, that’s why.. They have these huge wrap-around driveways which take up the front of their McMansions and they are used a literal Showcases for their vehicles… A Lexus parked here, a BMW there, a Mercedes there, and of course a huge SUV (to prove their
      manhood) over there… Waste waste waste, all for show.. They feed on Attention… Greed and showiness everywhere… Basically my neighbors are Mafia or Mafia-like or Mafia-wannabees!They are arrogant and pranoid to no end. ADT security trucks come and go to ensure they are “protected” 24/7 with the latest and greatest security suites… One is like this, they are all like
      this throughout town… The other year, a minority man stopped his car in front of one of the schools, rolled his window down to (presumably) ask directions or something… A kid ran for his teachers screaming about this strange minority guy who drove off… The next thing you know there are Wanted posters complete with an artist’s conception of the perpetrator all over town for the “suspected child lurer”… All the store windows had them! (Because if just One store doesn’t put it up it obviously means that owner Doesn’t Care for the well-being of our neighborhood’s children, right?). The police force here is very bored because there aren’t any real crimes for them to sink their teeth into, so I think they have to make some up, including
      harassing people when they get bored… A guy like me who Doesn’t drive a new, luxury car gets pulled over for no reason… They do what they want, speed, whatever, when they want with impunity… I guess that’s why bullies become cops… These guys make 6-figure salaries, too… I’m the guy who believes in global warming and Evolution. I’m the guy who recycles everything, unplugs or turns off appliances to save electricity, cares about wildlife and the environment, saves and consumes the bare minimum, cries when some new jackass has another tree removed for no other reason than to make his mansion more visible, makes uses of what resources are available, and above all lives below his means… And because I don’t play their game in my 50-year old, puny one-bathroom home, they despise
      me… I’m a blemish on their perfect world… If they knew I was a Democrat and not a Republican, an Atheist not a Roman Catholic…I’m convinced they’d pay some hoodlims to destroy this “secular socialist bum”..

      Sorry for the ranting!

      • Elisa

        Is your hometown Texas? My brother was there for work and said that they drive massive cars, no body walks and in some places there is no side walk and they don’t believe in recycling and they love Bush.

        I do get your frustration. …the worst is when said people view you as a hippy greenie just because you take seriously issues like the unnecessary abuse of animals for greed. …my parents are like this.

        Evenrhough they have grandchildren they won’t bother to look into changing basic habits like buying food that is sustainable or considering not using plastic bags. – Too inconvenient.

        I live in Australia and we recently had an election and the Greens (Environmental) party used the fact that the State emblem, a possum, of Victoria is facing extinction (yet, there are NO laws to stop logging the only areas where these possums still exist) …and on a late night tv program they used footage of Greens politicians talking about this possum to send them up and they got a good laugh out of the whole audience.

        Meanwhike, I am at home gobsmacked because I can’t believe how callous people are about such a thing. Endangered species are not a smsll matter – it is a MASSIVE matter. It is, essentially, humans looking their own death in the eye and fooling themselves.

        Us sensitive types get written off in various ways. Often seen perhaps as airy fairy if not emotionally disturbed. But at least this brand of insanity could, if it were more the norm, see animals and people survive the next couple of hundred years.

        But how can a person fight callous indifference, where if you care you are seen as ridiculously over sensitive -?!

        I come to the conclusion that there is no changing some people. In fact, the majority of people when it comes down to it.

        I actually wrote down the names of good books about surviving global warming and hiw to accept catastrophe bravely and with realism. …i intend on reading them someday.

        On the bright side I believe the Northern Hemisphere is better placed to survive global warming. Australia will pretty much be a goner – in flames or flooded out. Our species are going extinct the fastest anywhere. …but hey, apparently this is a joke and not worth making any proper policies about.

        So I guess the human race deserves to meet its doom. Collectively we are a bunch of morons. Best to accept it and go into damage control. Try and save some species and wilderness. Enjoy what there is while it is still there (e.g. The Great Barrier Reef will become barren like the reefs in the Carribean within 5 years, so I intend on seeing it in the next year.)

    • http://lonerwolf.com Luna

      Hello Elisa, many thanks for your interesting insights. I could have not said what you’ve written any better. Fear, after all, is at the polar extreme of love. Love joins, fear divides, and the more fearful a person, the more fearful a country, the more issues, the more sicknesses, the more paranoia. This is why acceptance (which springs from love) is a revolutionary thing. The more accepting a person, and the more accepting a nation, the less problems, the less suicides, deaths, strife, depression, fear. Compare accepting and peaceful countries like Holland for instance. They allow you to practice any religion you like, they accept abortion, they accept marijuana, they value the virtues that come with introversion, and are tolerant of extroversion. What the world needs is acceptance. If we were to only be aware of the fear that motivates us to do and say atrocious things, our lives, and the lives of others, would change significantly. Thank you once again for contributing your thoughts to this page. All the very best! -L

  • JTD

    Interesting website, maybe I’ll actually be able to meet others of my species here…

    I’ve been an introvert all my life and, thanks to extroverts and their kind, have nearly been destroyed… From the lowest grades up to the present, I was a magnet for bullies who mentally and physically abused me to no end…
    My mother always told me that it was My Fault because I wasn’t outgoing, friendly, and sociable so I basically Deserved it… The bullies always got away with it scot-free because they backed one another up… In high school they kept coming at me and those wonderfully brilliant teachers said I was to blame and forced my parents to take me to shrinks–and Pay Them out of their Own pocket! By the time I graduated from high school, I was more or less convinced I was Mental or something… Then onto the various jobs I had where I was basically used, lied to, manipulated, and became the pawns of sociopathic narcissists… Promotions passed right by me, ass-kissers prevailed, my ideas and solutions were stolen by others, I was the lowest-paid..

    And the Stories they started about me behind my back and in whispers!
    This guy’s Mental, This guy’s Gay, This guy’s a Serial Killer!!!
    “Stay away from him, don’t trust him–but Watch Him!”

    I’ve a high I.Q., am an intellectual (among a-holes), an avid reader, a science and science fiction fan… And the biggie (which makes it a double-whammy): I’m an Atheist… When certain low-lives discover this second aspect about me, they’re convinced I’m no good… I lost my last and final job this way…

    • http://lonerwolf.com Luna

      I hope so JTD! Thank you for sharing your story here. An introvert and an Athiest … wow … you’re pretty much America’s no.1 hating-bait (I hope you don’t live in America). Sounds as though your temperament would suit a more European environment (think Finland, the Czech Republic and Sweden: http://lonerwolf.com/most-introverted-countries-in-the-world/) It’s a pity that people torment and ostracize that which they don’t understand. It’s a primitive mindset, one that convinces me that we really did evolve from chimpanzees. One of the most amazing things I learnt when leaving the world of high school and university was that in essence: people don’t really change that much. Until our current society embraces the need to undergo an Involutionary journey of self-awareness, self-study and self-knowledge, they will never be able to create lives of harmony for themselves, or lives of harmony for others. Until then, I like to think of the short-sighted, discriminative people around me as children in essence: childish mindsets, childish behaviors, childish decisions. As such, I find it more productive to approach them with patience (something I’m still working on!)
      Thanks once again for commenting and reading. -L

      • John

        First, I am an introvert and an Atheist (AthEIST). Second, I live in the US. Third, I get along fine here and people (usually) accept me for who I am. Fourth, it does not matter where you go there are people who view loners as outsiders. I have been to those countries you listed, and ironically, yes the people there would think of you as weird if you are always alone. It is ironic that people bash on the US because they’re not accepted by society – they think it is because they are a introvert. This is false, there are various reasons. As an introvert people left me alone, some even tried to become friends with me. I have had my fair share of arguments with religious people, but not enough to bother me incredibly. It gets excessively annoying that people blame their failures with society on the country they’re living in or the religious group around them. I for one am a rarity, but still get along just fine. And I know others like me that also get along just fine. The ones complaining and blaming things on America, Canada, or whatever country they live in, usually are the ones who purposely make things worse for themselves and purposely make their behavior noticeable.

  • MamaWack

    I love the fact that I’m a loner in university. My university is a party university with Fridays off and of course Saturdays and Sundays off as well. I have always been a loner and will always will be because of that I’m very independent, moving to a new country where everything is different this became beneficial. I see so many people that I knew as the quiet decent types did a 360 change because their self esteem was weak and now are into heavy drinking and doing drugs as well. I look at these people and I don’t even recognize them. seriously I’ve only been here for four months and I don’t have any friends (I have acquaintances and got people phone number and contact details but I’m not interested in them). People might question why I’m in this way but I love myself just the way I am. but I have to admit university can change a person if you aren’t strong enough.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/ Luna

      It’s a really sad thing to witness. I’ve witnessed it as well … how susceptible many people are to drugs and alcohol just to “mix in” with the crowd, and patch up their insecurities with the illusion that they’re being cool and “normal”. To be comfortable with our aloneness, and to be comfortable with ourselves by ourselves, is one of the greatest strengths a person can have. To me, this is why solitude (and being a loner) is so important, because we learn so much, and become so strong when we choose to embrace being by ourselves. Yet being a loner is something so abhorred, something so abnormal in society that it’s shunned, when in reality, it should be applauded.
      Mamawack, I’m so happy that your character is strong enough to make peace with your solitary self, even though everyone around you is doing to opposite. My very best wishes

  • http://www.facebook.com/bummie.gadores Bummie Gadores

    I’m tired of being a loner. I just wish that I could get through it.
    Whether there are also some advantages of being a loner, I still don’t
    want to be one. I have to be realistic and true to myself that I really
    don’t want to be like this. Ever. Sometimes I really weep in great
    sorrow. There are a lot of limitations of being a loner. If ever I got a
    lot of money, I would pay almost a million dollars just to get through
    it. Seriously. Sorry if I ever said something unpleasing. I just want to release what I really feel.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/ Luna

      Bummie, thanks for sharing how you feel. There seems to be two types of loner from what I have observed: circumstantial loners and preferential loners. Circumstantial loners are those people, who like you, find themselves alone and isolated, yet never chose that. No wonder you feel depressed: you never chose to be alone. Those who choose to be alone, the preferential loners, thrive in their solitude. It’s the very lifeblood of their existence. My suggestion is that you need to reach out to a support group if you feel sad. It’s obvious that you were not destined to be a loner, which is fine, most people aren’t. Thanks for reading.

  • Guest

    I’m tired of being a loner. I just wish that I could get through it. Whether there are also some advantages of being a loner, I still don’t want to be one. I have to be realistic and true to myself that I really don’t want to be like this. Ever. Sometimes I really weep in great sorrow. There are a lot of limitations of being a loner. If ever I got a lot of money, I would pay almost a million dollars just to get through it. Seriously.

    • SolW0lf

      I think the advantages of being a loner are only attractive and enjoyable when you’ve first experienced comfort in solitude. Clearly you aren’t so much Alone as Lonely, and that’s perfectly understandable. Even the most die hard of loners often require at least one or two people in their life to create a social connection with, we are social creatures after all.

      Maybe you should focus you’re energy on trying to befriend people you’d connect with, I know it’s a hassle, anxiety provoking even. I use to suffer from social anxiety till eventually, the day came when my desire to feel connection with others was much greater than the fear to approach. Perhaps you’ll soon feel that as well. :)

  • Pipsky

    i think we are disliked for intimidating the loud with quietness. disliked for showing them that we are secured with ourselves and don’t need their presence to be happy in our little world. if only people of all personality types learn to respect’s differences, our world, would be more a happy place to live in =)

    • http://lonerwolf.com/ Luna

      Hi Pipsky. Interesting statements – quietness to me seems to work in two ways … on one hand we can be overlooked and trampled on for possessing it, and on the other our quietness can serves as an (ironically) loud and intimidating statement to those who don’t possess it. Quietness can show people that we are either self insecure (as in the case of shyness), or self secure. It only depends on why exactly we are quiet. I like that you use “quiet” instead of “loner” – it’s a pity that word has such deep-rooted negative connotations. But I guess the benefit of being idealists is that we can dream of how happy the world would be if all differences and all their titles were embraced. Guess that’s why they say I’m off with the fairies most of the time …
      Thanks for commenting :)

  • Eagle Eye

    Glad to have stumbled upon lonerwolf.com

    Great reply to Kimberly. Yes, the solution is to separate oneself from the game.

    I would like to add an additional perspective. Being a Christian, communion and communication with God and meditating on the words and the people of the bible allow me to be connected to people by understanding how valuable everyone truly is no matter how different and to realize that God loves me inspite of myself and especially inspite of what others think of my lonely lifestyle.

    Unfortunately, even churches over emphasize community to the point of suggesting that one is selfish if one doesn’t get involved in community events. They way I like to contribute is by giving financially, helping to clean up after an event, pray at prayer meetings, but not necessarily attending social functions or being face to face with the needy. Being around too many people make me uncomfortable and often annoyed. I know God understands that.

    I still struggle at times with the discomfort of knowing that others view me as a bit strange, but quickly get over it as I remember that these people do not determine my eternity, let alone provide even for the very necessary temporal needs of our existence.

    • http://lonerwolf.com/ Luna

      I’m glad you stumbled across it as well Eagle Eye :)

      Your comment reminds me of my time as in a Christian church. Being part of that collective was reason enough for me to feel even more of a loner and an outsider than the agnostic or atheist loner… people considered my behavior and outlooks strange, because they were so “God” orientated. Once I left that religion for various reasons, I realized that even though I was still a loner by nature, I felt MORE connected to people.

      Religion to me is just another game. It feeds off fear of the unknown (death, the afterlife, and God) – and provides the antidote to the very sickness it causes. It was hard for me to see that while I was deeply ensnared by the beliefs and practices of that religion, but with a little bit of thought I realized the great rift religion creates in peoples lives. This is just what I mentioned in the article about Social Collectives – while religions unite people, they tear people apart as well. In that religion I personally felt like a loner because I had the biblical ideas of “these are the holy, righteous, believers” and “these are the outside, wordly unbelievers” ingrained in me. Can you imagine how lonely that would make you feel? It sounds like you can. If you are religious and consider yourself a loner, it’s most likely that you actually feel ALONE, because of the dividing nature of your beliefs.

      I did the same thing as you – I tried to connect to people and understand them by trying to commune with God and read an ancient, transliterated text. But it doesn’t work. If you want to truly appreciate people, don’t look through the eyes of religion. Isn’t it ironic that the biblical ideas state that ‘everyone is a creation of God and should be valued’ and then goes to talk about how many people have been annihilated and wiped off the face of the earth, not to mention promised the penalty of hell for being ‘heathen unbelievers’, for all eternity?

      Thanks for your perspective, I’ve offered a bit of mine from my own experience.

      • Eagle Eye

        Hi luna,
        I don’t know if you’ll receive this via an e-mail reply but …

        Thank you for writing back. I agree with you, religion kills. Jesus never intended for people to be in bondage under the human wisdom of a few self proclaimed “leaders”. The way most churches organize today would make Jesus skin crawl. He died to set us free not only from the powers of darkness that oppress us but also from human oppressors who prey upon people for gain, either monitary or fame.
        When the paul and the apostles walked the earth, they did not refer to being followers of Jesus as Christianity, the simply referred to following “the way”, it was just a way for them to say we agree with Jesus and  believe this is the way to live. In his writings, Paul and the others encourage us to be lead by his holy spirit, not other men. We are only to immitate men when their works prove to have “good fruit”, in other words, result in good and not evil.
        I became a Christian because I had a powerful encounter with Jesus. I came from a background deeply rooted in witchcraft, neglect and abuse that left me mentally ill, not enough to be committed, but just enough to make relationships virtually impossible and my inner life tormentous. I looked out my window one day and I said, “If You’re real, I’ll do things Your wasy, I can’t take it anymore”.
        In the following months, through several divine signs and appointments I met a couple who was leading a Bible study and they began to teach me. The night I repented of my sins and asked Jesus to take over my life, I could not utter Jesus’ name, the demons that had a hold of my life literallly suppressed the words from coming out of my mouth. The people that were in the meeting with me prayed and I fell backwards onto their couch under some kind of power and felt immediately released from a weight on my chest. I felt like an absoulute idiot & was so embarrassed that I wanted to run out of there. I thought that these people were weird and thaty maybe they did something to me. But that was only in my mind. In my innermost being I felt a peace I NEVER KNEW BEFORE. I stayed because the tears were streaming down my face from the release from all those years of pain and bondage.
        Within weeks I was healed from the depression I felt since I was a child. I remember wanting to kill myself since I was 11 years old. Also within weeks I had no desire to drink, which I did plenty of back then and a couple of months later, i quit smoking.
        It has been a difficult journey getting fully released from all the junk from my past, so eventhough people do not honor God with their actions, my faith is in Jesus, not them. I can sit in church and walk away after a few hours and not throw the baby out with the bath water. Through the spirit of God I discern what is God is saying and what is coming from the human spirit. Even when I’m wrong, it doesn’t matter. That’s what God’s grace is for. Romans 5:9 says: Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. That’s the whole message of the New Testament: HE’S NOT ANGRY ANYMORE!!!
        You sound like such a compassionate & deep person. I would recommend a book by a man named Jeremy Lopez called “The Power of the Eternal Now”. There is no “Christianese” or any other little cliches from churchianity to turn you off. By the way, many times those that are shunned in churches today are the ones who are “God oriented” so the ones in charge feel threatened and make them feel like there is something wrong with them, or that they are rebellious, etc. You’re right, religion unites people to tear them apart collectively. I would just like to remind you what Jesus said about satan, “He comes to steal, kill and destroy”. How much better to get people together under the guise of Christlikeness and slowly kill them through lies, oppression and discouragement. The bible also says” We are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places (Ephesians 6:12). These forces use people that are greedy for recognition, power and money to hurt those seeking God and the good He promises in the Bible. It’s important to 1. Know the bible. 2. Have a relationship with God through the Holy Spirit ( so we can discern lies and evil forces) and 3. Live the bible. knowing it does nothing for us except make us proud.
        Don’t stop sharing your perspective and continue to reach out to others.
        Thank you

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_LBNADBQMN3OIXOME52HUX6UBB4 Kimberly

    I always wonder why others are so obsessed with “why don’t you go out and socialize?”  I usually retort “Because I am against socialism!” It elicits a laugh, but confirms their idea that I am simply a social butterfly who has “lost her wings” and desperately wants to re-join the fold.  Those who are different must be odd, or damaged, and “repaired” so that they are like everybody else. Conform or die.

    I don’t want to “re-join” the fold. I was in it briefly when I was in grade school, and then I moved on. I became self-reliant, self-dependent, and refuse to be so desperate that my self-worth is completely dependent on how “popular” I am: how many parties I attend, how many facebook “friends” I have. It seems unbelievably shallow to think that the quantity of relationships equals a quality of life.  However, I don’t go around creating psychological profiles demeaning their lifestyle choice of social dependency: why is it necessary that they do so for me?

    I am not a recluse – I do move within society, albeit mostly from the fringes. I do allow some people in my life, but I am very selective. I prefer substance over style, and for the most part those who I call friend are of the same ilk. I just wish that those who are “socially dependent” on others to validate their existence would give me the freedom and space to enjoy my own type of “non-socialism.”

    • http://lonerwolf.com/ Luna

      Nice wit Kimberly :)  It’s important to become self-reliant, and self-dependent.  Just like wearing makeup to feel that you’re beautiful, so does relying on the opinions of others trick you – they both fluctuate, they both tempt you to think you must rely on them, and they’re both the norm in society.
      Interestingly you say that you wish the socially dependent people would GIVE you the space and freedom to enjoy.  I don’t think it’s for others to give, because once you let others have the power over you to give you freedom or happiness or some other emotion, they have complete control over you. So perhaps you aren’t conforming to society as you point out, but you may still be depending on others for your peace and happiness.
      To me this is similar to say, anger.  If I’m angry at someone, they have control over me.  They can do something or say something that will cause me to react.  They can push my buttons and trigger a bomb in me.  They still have the power over me, and I’m completely tied around their finger.
      Sure, it’s hard to ignore the way society treats those who are ‘different’, but rebelling isn’t a sign of freedom or independence, it’s simply a reaction to me.  You’re still part of the game.  You still give too much importance to that game as well.  So to me the solution is to completely separate yourself from that game, to see how irrelevant it is, and to no longer give it any attention.  After that occurs, then you can fly solo and be the master of your own freedom. 
      Thanks for commenting.

  • HiDDeN_EniGma

    I think there is beauty to be found in being alone. It is much different then from being lonely. When you are lonely you ache and long to have that connection or intimacy with another person or being. You crave being in a social environment and that people will understand you and accept you for who you are. When you are alone and you can find peace and contentment within yourself, you really begin to enjoy the true meaning of solitude. You learn so much more about yourself and are able to be comfortable in your own skin. Then I think it’s safe to say you can be comfortable around other people. A lot of it has to do with your upbringing and what kind of environment you were surrounded in and how much love, nurture and attention was given to you as a child. I grew up with a very dominating and aggressive Father and a very calm and loving Mother who always taught me to see the funny side in the worst of the situation. So I was always torn between two worlds but have always been able to see both sides. I think I’m going in an entirely different direction with this now hahaha. Great post, always interested to read up on topics like this, looking forward to reading more :)

    • http://lonerwolf.com/ Luna

       Thanks for your comment HiDDeN_EniGma, you make some excellent points!  I think, like you said, that when people finally accept the state of being alone with themselves, they soon accept themselves.  And it’s like a domino effect from my experience…  Once they accept themselves, their interactions with the people around them are more accepting as well.  They no longer leach off other people for their sense of fulfillment and self worth…but draw that from themselves.  It’s a much healthier way of living, but I think we try to avoid it because we’re scared of being alone with ourselves and what we’ll find or not find.  I grew up with a mum and dad who were both extremely introverted…so there’s not much hope for me haha
      Thanks for posting ;)

  • http://lonerwolf.com/ Luna

    I get you Van…for me being alone the majority of the time never really felt the same as ‘loneliness’, it was just something I was naturally inclined towards, and had fun doing.  It didn’t seem abnormal until people pointed it out, or I started comparing myself with other ‘socialites’.  I think it’s natural to feel lonely sometimes unless you have some kind of kindred person to connect with in your life.  Thanks for reading!

  • Van

    People don’t believe I’m not lonely. Sometimes I am. Most times I’d prefer to choose when I’m social and with who.

    • http://lonerwolf jenny

      I spend a lot of time around people at work but I feel much more comfortable when I am alone though I do have a very strong faith and believe that God is with me wherever I go. I love to sit back and watch the world go by. I used to feel bad because I felt I should be sociable but the truth is I am truly much happier when I am on my own, it does have its advantages, for example I am very independent and never fear going anywhere alone. Also, I am really enjoying studying for a degree at the moment which is very therapeutic!