What’s Wrong With Being a Loner?

Whats Wrong With Being a Loner?

The media equates us with the mentally ill psychotics who go on murderous rampages.  Society follows with resounding cries of:  “no friends, no fun!  No friends no fun!”  And we, the loners, feel an immense pressure to change ourselves.  We want to hide our faces in shame, increasingly rejecting ourselves more and more, and our way of life.  So what’s wrong with being a loner exactly?

1#  The Only Problem With Being A Loner Is Whether You Have A Problem With It.

In the end, you are the one who determines how you feel about yourself and other people.  It’s true that nothing can hurt you unless you let it.  Unfortunately, many loners have a problem with being loners.  These involuntary loners have a problem with themselves firstly because they aren’t accustomed to being alone.

For instance, they may have found that through death, estrangement, poverty, or other misfortunes, that they have lost friends or family.  Consequently, these people may have fallen into depression and distanced themselves from others, becoming loners.  They may have also failed to re-establish connections with people after the shock of their life situation.

Secondly, many involuntary loners look for their self worth externally.   When they observe the ideal of the “social butterfly” in all the magazines, Facebook walls, TV shows, books, Whats Wrong With Being a Loner?movies and other media that floods their existence, they see how far they have fallen short.  As a loner, I used to hate reading the blatherings of Facebook statuses, and how social everyone sounded.  I felt depressed and perpetually like the outsider, the weirdo, and the lonely loner.  This is the perfect example of how low self esteem can lead you to compare yourself with others.  If you aren’t esteemed by other people, then immediately your own self esteem drops.  Loners who fall into this category do not accept themselves because they aren’t accepted by others.

And thirdly, involuntary loners may have previously found their joy and stimulation outside of themselves.  They therefore find it hard to accept and adapt to their situation.  Through one reason or another, these loners may find themselves alone and alienated from other people.  Immediately they find that no friends = no fun, and they wilt and fade by themselves, feeling bored and lonely.




So Why Are Loners So Disliked?

From school kids ostracizing us as being “weird losers”, to news columns condemning us as being serial rapists, loners have dealt with a lot over the past century.  Take a close look at the following picture I took from searching the word “loner” a couple of months ago:

Whats Wrong With Being a Loner?

Notice how the word loner is constantly applied to tragic circumstances and the mentally unstable?  As journalist Anneli Rufus points out in her Loner’s Manifesto, “loner” is a word crime writers love to use.  It is constantly applied to what she calls pseudo-loners who, because of rejection, seek revenge.  “They do not wish to be alone”, she writes, “their dislike of being alone is what drives them to violence.”

Basically, these people rely on others and need others to validate their existence, to build reputations, and to be accepted into social clans.   Not being accepted burns.  Being cheated by people burns even more.

What initiates the majority of violence, as pointed out by Rufus, is not being something – in this case a loner – but feeling something.  “Anger.  Envy.  Desire.  Betrayal.  Resentment.  Rejection.  Love”.  All these emotions are intimately bound up with other people – they are social motives, far removed from the quiet, self-sufficient loner.  However, to make things fair, loners are not exempt from committing crimes.  In the cases where loners truly are responsible for horrible crimes, we must not lose sight of the many social, charmingly gregarious criminals there have been: Capone, Heinrich Himmler, Bernard Madoff, Don Lapre, Ted Bundy.Whats Wrong With Being a Loner?

So why does the media favor the loner-lunatic cliche so much anyway?  I can see two different reasons why.  Firstly, people don’t like what they can’t understand.  It’s very easy to understand the need for social interaction and friendship.  It’s harder to understand why others like solitude however.  Don’t you feel lonely?  No.  Don’t you feel depressed?  No.  Do you hate people?  No.  Then why are you by yourself?  I like it that way.  What??  

If you’ve never tried fried ice cream you won’t like it.  Similarly, if you haven’t experienced the clarity and wholeness found in solitude, you will lack an understanding of those people who do.  This can easily result in rejecting others out of confusion and fear of what we can’t comprehend.  Hence why loners are ostracized and consistently thought of negatively.

The second reason is that since loners are already thought negatively of, the word “loner” is perfect for crime cases which demand a certain air of negativity and mystery.  Labeling killers continually as “loners” is the perfect psychological trick to separate the psychopaths from the ‘normal’ people.  They like being alone?  We don’t understand that!  They must be crazy!

Journalists like separating the murderous lunatics from the pack.  No one wants to think that any normal citizen would commit such atrocious crimes.  It’s a self denial and self defense, on that says “no one like me could do that”.  So the loner is further ostracized, even to the point of losing their own humanity.

 ***

I have known, been friends with, and read the stories of many loners. Charity working loners, thumb-sucking loners, book-reading loners, all perfectly content in their quiet world – not hateful towards humanity, or vengeful, or disturbed.

When you ask yourself what’s wrong with being a loner, keep in mind that the very people who make you ask that question are fundamentally ignorant, confused and many times afraid of the unknown world of loners.  All it takes to understand something is to ask questions and go exploring.  If this is not even attempted blind prejudice – like that towards loners, can easily occur.

 ***

If you have any opinions, feel free to add them to this discussion below.  Also, feel free to take our Loner Test.

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  1. Laura M. says

    Reading over the comments, you all seem like such lovely people! I am in high school myself, and I’m a loner. I really hate how much negativity there is towards loners, especially in high school and college, but throughout life. I like being my own person and going against the social norm, and I really wish my teachers would see that. There’s so much of a “if you’re not going to parties and getting drunk with friends all the time, you must be a loser” vibe from other students, and it’s complete bs.

    Loved this article so much, thanks for taking the time to write it.

    -Laura

    • says

      You sound like a very level-headed person Sarah, and I’m delighted to hear that you enjoyed reading this article. I do hope that you continue to value the person you are, and to not give way to the immature garbage that often corrupts younger people.
      Many thanks for reading and commenting!
      -L

  2. says

    Love what you wrote…thank you. I am in my mid forties, single, no children and female. I have a corporate job and outside of that do mostly creative work including modeling. I find people look at my images and see something I am not, or that is an aspect of me. I prefer to be with my pets, do artwork, spend time by myself and once in awhile with a friend. Sometimes it is lonely and one day I want a partner. For the most part I really enjoy time with myself.

    • says

      Hello Tracey.
      It’s refreshing to hear that you are mostly comfortable being alone, and that you don’t desperately need other people in your life to make you happy and whole – although it is natural to desire a partner and someone to share your thoughts and experiences with.
      I had a look at your creative modeling work, and I must complement you on your pictures.
      All the best, L

  3. Karen Alone says

    Greetings.

    I have often wondered if there is something “abnormal” about me, and I’m convinced I am a true loner.

    In high school, I was popular, the prom queen, homecoming queen candidate, cheerleader, scholarship in music, and partied with friends all the time…had to be out every night at a club…all the way into my 30s. I lived in Orlando then.

    I was married three times by the time I was 30. I was tall, tan, and considered beautiful in my youth. People wanted to be with me.

    I moved home from Orlando to a small Midwestern state, into my home town of 1400, bought a house, and at 50 decided I would get to have the one thing I’d wanted all my life…a horse, my passion.

    Since I’ve moved home, I’ve been alone for 20 years. I dated a few times, got bored, loved my dogs and horse more and found them to be more fun. My family was small, mom an only child, dad with a brother and sister and one child between them, and my brother was killed when he was 22 and I was 24. My mother passed away seven years ago, so now, I truly am all alone.

    I like being alone. I am glad that I don’t have in-laws with whom to deal, no kids that make me crazy. I research a lot of things on the internet, love to look into every thing from cloning Wooly Mammoths to try to figure out why I’m enjoying my life so much more now than I ever have. I like being with me more than anyone else. I like me.

    I don’t follow style, I see no need. I gave away all my dresses and skirts and now like to be comfortable. I mostly wear blazers and jeans and clogs when I go out of town. Most of the time, I’m in the house. There’s so much to do in here.

    On holidays, people invite to their celebrations. I want to be at home during holidays. I love being at home. I love learning. I’m not a girlie-girl and don’t giggle and act silly.

    Why has this life-style been so comfortable for me. I really enjoy being a “loner.” I’ve been in the newspaper business for years, even published my own paper until they became extinct, and now I work at home for a chiropractor, processing claims and managing his two offices. I will go back to work, probably this summer after I have a hip replacement, but I’m really enjoying my time at home, too.

    The only answer I can come up with for the way I enjoy living is that I simply enjoy being with me more than anyone else. I am a homebody. I don’t need anyone to make me complete…I am already complete.

    I am fiercely independent and enjoy challenges such as fixing the faucet myself, working on my house i.e. painting, sanding, whatever… I will try to fix things myself. I once painted my house and people offered to help, but I said, no, I just want to do this by myself. It was my project and I wanted to do it. Is that selfish. I felt great satisfaction when it was done.

    So, why am I so content and happy being really alone?

    BTW, I am now 64, still tall, not so tan, but look good.

    So, anybody find anything wrong about this? I don’t. Other people don’t quite get it, especially that, since the age of 16, I knew I didn’t want to have children. Some women are maternal, I am not. I don’t like to cook, haven’t had a stove for more than 10 years, but I do have a commercial microwave!

    I just simply live my life the way I want to live it.

    Blessings to all you loners,
    Karen

    • says

      Hi there Karen.

      Thank you for sharing! I enjoyed reading the progression of your life from a popular, social young person, to a comfortable solitary person. Such an amazing transformation!
      I especially love this part of your comment: “I am a homebody. I don’t need anyone to make me complete…I am already complete.” This is completely motivational poster worthy!

      Many thanks for your inspiring and supportive words!

      -Luna

  4. John says

    If you really are an introvert, why do you care what other people think about you? Also, humans are naturally social beings, so of course it is considered abnormal when one is not social. You should talk to a psychologist about this, honestly, they would explain it better than I in regards to why society considers loners outsiders.

    • says

      John, I’m not sure quite what you mean?
      Even introverts/loners struggle with self-acceptance, which is the reason why I wrote this article.
      Society fears what it fails to understand, and I do believe that there are always exceptions to the rule you stated of humans being social beings.
      -L

      • John says

        What I am saying is: moving to a country where there is a smaller population and thus an increased percentage of people that describe themselves as loners won’t solve the problem of being judged by others. Furthermore, Humans are naturally social creatures. Whether we like it or not it is in our Darwinian background. We are naturally social and tend to try to be with others – traveling in packs for an example. Wolves, dingoes, hyenas, bison, and rats tend to live in groups. The reason that in a darwinian/evolutionary context that we are naturally social, and other animals in this case “social” is to help promote safety, a large herd tends to not lose a population to a predator. Then there is another reason for animals living in groups, they do it to raise their young. Another reason is greater success in finding, killing, or defending prey. While wolves are more successful while hunting alone, they can’t defend their food alone – thus making it better for wolves to hunt in groups in order to ensure each gets his share of food. Also, groups tend to help with mating.

        Why am I explaining the biologist’s outlook on animals forming groups? Because I wanted to show you that humans, like dingoes and other types of apes, are naturally social and why being a loner is considered abnormal by our species. It is because our species itself is not biologically reclusive. Though people do not think of the scientific reasons for the view that being a loner is abnormal, it is extremely scientific.

        I do not think we are debating here, but I thought I would quote a professor of Physical Anthropology: “Cooperation isn’t just a byproduct of competition, or something done only because both parties receive some benefit from the partnership,” says Sussman, professor of physical anthropology in Arts & Sciences. “Rather, altruism and cooperation are inherent in primates, including humans.”

        Scientists go further into detail about this situation, shown by a quote from Robert Cloninger, a Psychiatrist and geneticist:

        “Prosocial behavior is an essential component of health and happiness in human beings. Selfish and uncooperative behavior, on the other hand, is a sign of mental dysfunction because it is strongly associated with life dissatisfaction and ill health.”

        I hope this gives some insight on why loners are viewed as abnormal, and why just moving does not change this view.

        • says

          Hey John,

          Thank you for your interesting response.

          We are naturally social, and evolution has proved this … yet in nature we observe that there are solitary animals who thrive perfectly well alone as well. A list here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_solitary_animals So if there are exceptions in nature, surely there are exceptions in humanity? How can evolution explain the tendencies of these solitary creatures?

          As I stated above, people who challenge the validity and “naturalness” of being a loner are often fundamentally ignorant, confused and many times afraid of the unknown world of loners. Also, you perpetuate the stereotype of the loner being “selfish and uncooperative” in your quote from the psychiatrist Cloninger. Who ever said that the behavior of loners was self-centered and uncooperative? This is a further demonstration of the lack of understanding and hostility shown towards those who prefer to spend their time solo.

          -Luna

  5. says

    When I was in high school I liked being the loner. I had very few friends and intended for it to be that way. I liked that I was unique from everyone.That all changed when I got to college because I started to feel a lot of pressure to become that stereotypical, socially active college student. I couldn’t live up to others expectations of how life was supposed to be and I felt inadequate and awkward. After that I lost all the self esteem I had been building up. So now I hate being alone simply because others see it as unhappy and want me to be different.

    • says

      Hi Regina. If you want to live up to other people’s expectations of you, that is your decision to make. After all, we are all each responsible for the way in which we react to the external world, and if we react by mistreating ourselves, we deal with the consequences. So although it’s unfair that this has happened to you, the only person who can improve your life is yourself. Personally, I dropped out of university and found that it was the best decision I ever made. Such a waste of time and money, and for what? A bit extra money, a flimsy paper degree? I decided to get an apprenticeship instead, and it was the best decision I made. Perhaps this could be a good route for you? Nevertheless, I hope you are able to regain your enjoyment of solitude. There is no point in being someone you are not in the end. Very few people can keep up the façade unfortunately.

  6. says

    HIYA I dont really know why i live in solitary,but ive a rough idea,i lost 6 of my closest friends that i loved so much through tragedy,i never had a warm loving family but these became my family,first time i was really accepted,loved&protected,i also got very ill&im bi-polar&have suffered extreme depression for the past 4yrs just wanting to be dead really but recently ive been told my hosp that my health is on the up&feeling so much better,i was a social butterfly once,always out there,very popular,partying&friends in tow all the time,ive moved around constantly,that might not help?my partner died 10yrs ago,love of my life the signs were showing then it was a tragic death&i withdrew&found grief was easier to handle if i was on my own,i felt more comfortable&at ease&i would feel his spirit around me,im sure i felt he would come if i was alone?anyway i thought its ok to be alone,its wot i need?10yrs later im still pushing ppl away,backing out of stuff,not wanting to answer phone or door,i want a life,but ppl fail me or annoy me,ive noticed ppl are not to be trusted no more&anytime i let someone in i get burnt?so yep it kind of puts me off&i mean its every single time i kick myself up the ass to be social i see or hear something i really dont like&go away with the attitude you better off at home alone?trust me ive been through some crap over the years,but then i think of ppl like “Enya”in Ireland who lives in a castle on her own?many,mant ppl live a hermit lifestyle in Ireland esp if in countryside&its not classed as weird,but coz Enya lives in populated wexford or wherever i forget sorry?ppl think shes some kind of nut? lots of ppl rich or poor famous or not?family or not?choose to live alone,i love ppl but i rather only see ppl for short periods of time,like at moment ive someone who comes to my house&talks at me for 4-6hrs thats a long time&vey irritating,can you see why i want to be left alone&not answer my door coz i get this kind of extremism?i find unbearable but i cant say at my door its ok you can come in but ive only an hour to spare?thats rude so i choose to ignore door,then mobiles?omg!im thinking of throwing mine in bin all it is is a tracking device for ppl who want tyo see you or be with you or stalk etc?ive started ignoring my phone or id get hastled where r you?when can i see you?right im on my way,damn it!im on my own,im sorry ppl dont know why but am?most ppl irritate the hell out of me ppl have gotten nasty,spiteful&not trustworthy,im sorry i feel that way when ppl know wot i go through they do undestand but im sik of explaining to ppl wots wot?so solitude it is!…..

    • Luna says

      Nessa, it seems as though all the grief you have suffered in life, and the losses you have experienced have contributed to your desire to live alone. Life is unpredictable, chaotic, and that’s scary, especially when it takes the people you love away from you. Life gives and life takes. Solitude in a way is a protective mechanism to shield you from anymore loss or grief. If you’re alone, you don’t have much to lose do you, or much to grieve? But the more people you love, the more you open yourself up to bereavement. I hope these thoughts make sense.

  7. James Dean says

    some people are just meant to be alone and its not their fault! If nobody invites you anywhere
    you can’t force yourself on people for christ sake. I ve been a loner my whole life. If nobody wants to be with me then the HELL with them! funny how bullies have a lot of friends…
    If your nice, people don’t like you… You have to be an A-hole to fit in with the world..

    • says

      Thanks for your perspectives James. It’s interesting observing the world. I’ve noticed that after leaving high school and university, every other social setting (work, meetings, seminars etc.) revolves around a certain social hierarchy. Usually the most charming, social, but also the most ruthless and sly make it to the top, while the quieter, less charming ones drift down to the bottom. In the end you really have to find your own niche and stick to it. If you’re a loner by nature, there’s no need to react to the people who criticize, because then you place importance into what they have to say. Indifference is the best tool, one that will allow you to go on with your life, and your passions as you desire.

  8. JTD says

    Yes, I’m American and I live in America, unfortunately… It seems that every year Americans take one more step towards insanity–and don’t even realize it…

    I live in Northern New Jersey which, is itself, a rather maligned state… First, we have this appaulingly stinking urban garbage ghetto city called Newark (which is in itself a colony of NYC) which houses Newark Airport (I think they recently renamed it to something idiotic) so any passengers coming and going assume that all of NJ is one big stinking cement hole of smog and pollution… In reality NJ is known as The Garden State because much of it is trees and Pine Barrens… If that’s not enough though we’ve got two horrible shows which make it look like a garbage state: Jersey Shore and the infamous The Sopranos… They are but tiny fractions of the state and, of course, these shows are populated by actors not real people… Though Chris Christie who is NJ’s governor is looking to run for the presidency (and He Is a Mafia man!)… But here I go again, babbling!

    In many ways, Texas is The Model for America’s future… Then again, Texas is pretty much the Republican Party’s capital state and if you’ve followed American politics, the Right Wing have really gone off the deep end in the past decade or two… The Religious Right Own the Republican Party, and that includes these Televangelist preachers who think 9/11 and the various tornadoes and catastrophes which have hit America are God’s Punishment for taking prayer out of schools, giving rights to gays, allowing abortions, and all that other funky stuff… They are in fact the descendants of the Civil War losers who had the joy of slavery taken away from their plantations… The concept of a “smart Negro” in the White House is insane and irrational to them… Prior to the previous election they put out a propaganda film knocking Obama (“2016″), and starting all sorts of irrational slander attacks (“Birthers” being one, Obama being the Anti-Christ being another)…
    Yes, these people are very ignorant, Anti-Science, and are basically the American equivalent of the Taliban… They also have a lot of power and wealth to get their job done, which when it comes down to it means replacing America’s constitutional democracy with a kind of oligarchic fascist theocracy (“One Nation Under Christ”) in accordance with what’s known as Dominionism… Most Americans don’t see it this way though because the two political parties superficially look the same from a distance–and Americans only understand things Superficially from a distance!

    I miss the past when I was young and had fewer worries, or worries which appear trivial to me today… Today, this country is just so full of Hate, Ignorance, and Discrimination… But it beats living in an Islamic country where Atheists like myself would be Beheaded!

    People have always painted me as a loser, for all reasons I’ve stated… I can’t find a soul mate or a friend here… I’d really like to find an intelligent person I can have deep discussions with, but I fear it’s impossible (unless maybe I become a millionaire and “connections” materialize with the top brains of this country–but that’s not me, either!)…

    Everything here is now so superficial! You are judged by how Outgoing you are and your number of friends… You are judged by your wealth (or more precisely how much of it you let hang out, as in luxury cars and those ugly boxes-on-wheels called SUVs!)… You are judged by what brand name items you carry around with you and flaunt… Those who don’t play this game are considered inferiors and are rejected, and from there they may be considered bums or unsophisticated or backwards, or just plain Mental!

    I find myself alienated and terribly misunderstood by everyone…

  9. Elisa says

    I think that in America for exampe, they have so many mass shootings because theirs is a culture that nurtures a fearful, negative attitude towards anything that isn’t go-getting and extroverted.

    It ends up being that that kind of society creates what it fears: that by ostracizing a type of person on the basis of suspicion that they are crazy and dangerous, they end up pushing always some of those people into becoming just that. Gun control cannot be the real reason (though I hate to back up the NRA with that); the real reason is the social exclusion of certain people – introverted people, shy persons and any people dealing with a mental illness.

    For all the loners who go out and shoot people, there are surely dozens (if not more) who commit suicide because they have been given the message that they are second or third class, if not even worthless. …so, while much ado is made of the physical violence by these one in a thousand (if not more) “loners” (and there have hot to be plenty more loners who never act out against others), who is soeaking up for the long sufferring schizophrenic who, whilst never posing any threat to anybody, endures daily voices that put her down constantly, only to be almost utterly abandoned by all of her old friends and even put down by her own family …who speaks up for the subtle psychological violence done to society’s most vulnerable.

    And it isn’t JUST a fear of the mentally ill or the loner type acting violently, it is in fact a limited lack of appreciation for difference – and associated wrong ideas and judgments about being a certain way.

    Just as you write: it’s this wrong idea that a person alone could ONLY ever be lonely. That they are peobably also depressed. That introversion is mental illness. ….it’s telling that psychiatrists in the US were recently considering making Introversion a listed mental illness in their DSM, diagnostic manual.

    Actually, again it is kind of self perpetuating, since apparently they say that shyness is on the rise in the US. – So, introversion is almoat outlawed, the mentally ill are practically considered sub-human (you have to admire Hitler at least for being consistent, as opposed to full of crap) and people are increasingly coming down with anxiety problems and struggling with shyness.

    Pressure to conform to just one way of being. The world, at least in the West (though I think other countries are getting Americanized) is just out of balance.

    If you read Elaine Aron’s book or he book ” Quiet”, I think they talk about how the quieter more reflective souls have been ignored for a while now amd that the world is paying for it with economic hardship and environmental disaster.

    Ironic that in Eastern cultures like India, the Priest class was considered right at the top. Now, the quiet, gentle, loner type is seen as disturbed and non-competitive with all the outgoing extroverts, and therefore, is passed over or neglected.

    ….excuse me if I ranted a bit. A little frustrated… (I seem stuck in a vicious circle of social exclusion – from being harassed for not being feminine enough, to the struggling in work because of a developed phobia, to then being passed over years later, even after four years of working for any new jobs based on my past lack of experience. …how much fighting does a person have to do? …like Leonard Cohen sings in “Everybody Knows”: ‘the poor stay poor, the rich get rich. That’s how it goes. Everybody knows.” and: “Everybody knows the deal is rotten, old black Joe’s still pickin’ cotton for you ribbons and bows. Everybody knows.”

    • JTD says

      Well, at least in my particular case, it comes down to Alienation…

      My hometown was raped by super-Conservative Bush-kissers; the guys who basically became millionaires by backing G.W. Bush’s war efforts…
      These showy, Alpha Male jerkoffs are the exact Opposte of me. All they do is
      spend-spend-spend on looking big, powerful, elitist… Conspicuous Consumption and Waste is their way of life… A once agricultural, working class town they’re raped–now most of the forests are gone, replaced with wall-to-wall McMansions… SUVs everywhere, luxury cars everywhere… Every new McMansion is bigger than the previous… Why do families of 4 require
      nearly a dozen bathrooms? How many oversized SUVs does each family need? We’ve got a reservoir here put in back in the 1960s to provide drinking water–it’s not good enough for these people who think tap water is “poison” and will only drink bottled water, and do in fact have it delivered to their homes! Massive driveways composed of hand-laid stone or brick (which is
      hand-cut on the spot and completed like a jigsaw puzzle) flown in from Europe is the latest craze… When one neighbor has it, the others have to have it… The battle of the assholes (or keeping up with the Joneses) all around… One spotlight on a house isn’t enough, they have to have over a dozen–and leave them on all night so I can’t get any sleep with them blazing through my bedroom windows! One gets an olympic-sized swimming pool, the others have to have one just as big… And don’t get me started on their oh-so-green-and-precious genetically-engineered sod lawns which need weekly attendence by landscape workers… The old neighbors used to cut their own lawns–for these guys, that’s Peasant work! Besides, these
      contractors have huge gas-guzzling, fumes-spewing contraptions to make plenty of noise and attract plenty of attention… And all those wonderful poisionous fertilizers and crap they lay down does a nice job on killing the local wildlife, too… I’ve got natural ground covering around my house, and it doesn’t need anything but me to take care of it… They have 4 or 5 garages
      but they’re always empty… Why? Hiding your luxury car behind a garage door defeats the purpose of owning a luxury car, that’s why.. They have these huge wrap-around driveways which take up the front of their McMansions and they are used a literal Showcases for their vehicles… A Lexus parked here, a BMW there, a Mercedes there, and of course a huge SUV (to prove their
      manhood) over there… Waste waste waste, all for show.. They feed on Attention… Greed and showiness everywhere… Basically my neighbors are Mafia or Mafia-like or Mafia-wannabees!They are arrogant and pranoid to no end. ADT security trucks come and go to ensure they are “protected” 24/7 with the latest and greatest security suites… One is like this, they are all like
      this throughout town… The other year, a minority man stopped his car in front of one of the schools, rolled his window down to (presumably) ask directions or something… A kid ran for his teachers screaming about this strange minority guy who drove off… The next thing you know there are Wanted posters complete with an artist’s conception of the perpetrator all over town for the “suspected child lurer”… All the store windows had them! (Because if just One store doesn’t put it up it obviously means that owner Doesn’t Care for the well-being of our neighborhood’s children, right?). The police force here is very bored because there aren’t any real crimes for them to sink their teeth into, so I think they have to make some up, including
      harassing people when they get bored… A guy like me who Doesn’t drive a new, luxury car gets pulled over for no reason… They do what they want, speed, whatever, when they want with impunity… I guess that’s why bullies become cops… These guys make 6-figure salaries, too… I’m the guy who believes in global warming and Evolution. I’m the guy who recycles everything, unplugs or turns off appliances to save electricity, cares about wildlife and the environment, saves and consumes the bare minimum, cries when some new jackass has another tree removed for no other reason than to make his mansion more visible, makes uses of what resources are available, and above all lives below his means… And because I don’t play their game in my 50-year old, puny one-bathroom home, they despise
      me… I’m a blemish on their perfect world… If they knew I was a Democrat and not a Republican, an Atheist not a Roman Catholic…I’m convinced they’d pay some hoodlims to destroy this “secular socialist bum”..

      Sorry for the ranting!

      • Elisa says

        Is your hometown Texas? My brother was there for work and said that they drive massive cars, no body walks and in some places there is no side walk and they don’t believe in recycling and they love Bush.

        I do get your frustration. …the worst is when said people view you as a hippy greenie just because you take seriously issues like the unnecessary abuse of animals for greed. …my parents are like this.

        Evenrhough they have grandchildren they won’t bother to look into changing basic habits like buying food that is sustainable or considering not using plastic bags. – Too inconvenient.

        I live in Australia and we recently had an election and the Greens (Environmental) party used the fact that the State emblem, a possum, of Victoria is facing extinction (yet, there are NO laws to stop logging the only areas where these possums still exist) …and on a late night tv program they used footage of Greens politicians talking about this possum to send them up and they got a good laugh out of the whole audience.

        Meanwhike, I am at home gobsmacked because I can’t believe how callous people are about such a thing. Endangered species are not a smsll matter – it is a MASSIVE matter. It is, essentially, humans looking their own death in the eye and fooling themselves.

        Us sensitive types get written off in various ways. Often seen perhaps as airy fairy if not emotionally disturbed. But at least this brand of insanity could, if it were more the norm, see animals and people survive the next couple of hundred years.

        But how can a person fight callous indifference, where if you care you are seen as ridiculously over sensitive -?!

        I come to the conclusion that there is no changing some people. In fact, the majority of people when it comes down to it.

        I actually wrote down the names of good books about surviving global warming and hiw to accept catastrophe bravely and with realism. …i intend on reading them someday.

        On the bright side I believe the Northern Hemisphere is better placed to survive global warming. Australia will pretty much be a goner – in flames or flooded out. Our species are going extinct the fastest anywhere. …but hey, apparently this is a joke and not worth making any proper policies about.

        So I guess the human race deserves to meet its doom. Collectively we are a bunch of morons. Best to accept it and go into damage control. Try and save some species and wilderness. Enjoy what there is while it is still there (e.g. The Great Barrier Reef will become barren like the reefs in the Carribean within 5 years, so I intend on seeing it in the next year.)

    • says

      Hello Elisa, many thanks for your interesting insights. I could have not said what you’ve written any better. Fear, after all, is at the polar extreme of love. Love joins, fear divides, and the more fearful a person, the more fearful a country, the more issues, the more sicknesses, the more paranoia. This is why acceptance (which springs from love) is a revolutionary thing. The more accepting a person, and the more accepting a nation, the less problems, the less suicides, deaths, strife, depression, fear. Compare accepting and peaceful countries like Holland for instance. They allow you to practice any religion you like, they accept abortion, they accept marijuana, they value the virtues that come with introversion, and are tolerant of extroversion. What the world needs is acceptance. If we were to only be aware of the fear that motivates us to do and say atrocious things, our lives, and the lives of others, would change significantly. Thank you once again for contributing your thoughts to this page. All the very best! -L

  10. JTD says

    Interesting website, maybe I’ll actually be able to meet others of my species here…

    I’ve been an introvert all my life and, thanks to extroverts and their kind, have nearly been destroyed… From the lowest grades up to the present, I was a magnet for bullies who mentally and physically abused me to no end…
    My mother always told me that it was My Fault because I wasn’t outgoing, friendly, and sociable so I basically Deserved it… The bullies always got away with it scot-free because they backed one another up… In high school they kept coming at me and those wonderfully brilliant teachers said I was to blame and forced my parents to take me to shrinks–and Pay Them out of their Own pocket! By the time I graduated from high school, I was more or less convinced I was Mental or something… Then onto the various jobs I had where I was basically used, lied to, manipulated, and became the pawns of sociopathic narcissists… Promotions passed right by me, ass-kissers prevailed, my ideas and solutions were stolen by others, I was the lowest-paid..

    And the Stories they started about me behind my back and in whispers!
    This guy’s Mental, This guy’s Gay, This guy’s a Serial Killer!!!
    “Stay away from him, don’t trust him–but Watch Him!”

    I’ve a high I.Q., am an intellectual (among a-holes), an avid reader, a science and science fiction fan… And the biggie (which makes it a double-whammy): I’m an Atheist… When certain low-lives discover this second aspect about me, they’re convinced I’m no good… I lost my last and final job this way…

    • says

      I hope so JTD! Thank you for sharing your story here. An introvert and an Athiest … wow … you’re pretty much America’s no.1 hating-bait (I hope you don’t live in America). Sounds as though your temperament would suit a more European environment (think Finland, the Czech Republic and Sweden: http://lonerwolf.com/most-introverted-countries-in-the-world/) It’s a pity that people torment and ostracize that which they don’t understand. It’s a primitive mindset, one that convinces me that we really did evolve from chimpanzees. One of the most amazing things I learnt when leaving the world of high school and university was that in essence: people don’t really change that much. Until our current society embraces the need to undergo an Involutionary journey of self-awareness, self-study and self-knowledge, they will never be able to create lives of harmony for themselves, or lives of harmony for others. Until then, I like to think of the short-sighted, discriminative people around me as children in essence: childish mindsets, childish behaviors, childish decisions. As such, I find it more productive to approach them with patience (something I’m still working on!)
      Thanks once again for commenting and reading. -L

      • John says

        First, I am an introvert and an Atheist (AthEIST). Second, I live in the US. Third, I get along fine here and people (usually) accept me for who I am. Fourth, it does not matter where you go there are people who view loners as outsiders. I have been to those countries you listed, and ironically, yes the people there would think of you as weird if you are always alone. It is ironic that people bash on the US because they’re not accepted by society – they think it is because they are a introvert. This is false, there are various reasons. As an introvert people left me alone, some even tried to become friends with me. I have had my fair share of arguments with religious people, but not enough to bother me incredibly. It gets excessively annoying that people blame their failures with society on the country they’re living in or the religious group around them. I for one am a rarity, but still get along just fine. And I know others like me that also get along just fine. The ones complaining and blaming things on America, Canada, or whatever country they live in, usually are the ones who purposely make things worse for themselves and purposely make their behavior noticeable.

  11. MamaWack says

    I love the fact that I’m a loner in university. My university is a party university with Fridays off and of course Saturdays and Sundays off as well. I have always been a loner and will always will be because of that I’m very independent, moving to a new country where everything is different this became beneficial. I see so many people that I knew as the quiet decent types did a 360 change because their self esteem was weak and now are into heavy drinking and doing drugs as well. I look at these people and I don’t even recognize them. seriously I’ve only been here for four months and I don’t have any friends (I have acquaintances and got people phone number and contact details but I’m not interested in them). People might question why I’m in this way but I love myself just the way I am. but I have to admit university can change a person if you aren’t strong enough.

    • says

      It’s a really sad thing to witness. I’ve witnessed it as well … how susceptible many people are to drugs and alcohol just to “mix in” with the crowd, and patch up their insecurities with the illusion that they’re being cool and “normal”. To be comfortable with our aloneness, and to be comfortable with ourselves by ourselves, is one of the greatest strengths a person can have. To me, this is why solitude (and being a loner) is so important, because we learn so much, and become so strong when we choose to embrace being by ourselves. Yet being a loner is something so abhorred, something so abnormal in society that it’s shunned, when in reality, it should be applauded.
      Mamawack, I’m so happy that your character is strong enough to make peace with your solitary self, even though everyone around you is doing to opposite. My very best wishes
      ~Luna

  12. says

    I’m tired of being a loner. I just wish that I could get through it.
    Whether there are also some advantages of being a loner, I still don’t
    want to be one. I have to be realistic and true to myself that I really
    don’t want to be like this. Ever. Sometimes I really weep in great
    sorrow. There are a lot of limitations of being a loner. If ever I got a
    lot of money, I would pay almost a million dollars just to get through
    it. Seriously. Sorry if I ever said something unpleasing. I just want to release what I really feel.

    • says

      Bummie, thanks for sharing how you feel. There seems to be two types of loner from what I have observed: circumstantial loners and preferential loners. Circumstantial loners are those people, who like you, find themselves alone and isolated, yet never chose that. No wonder you feel depressed: you never chose to be alone. Those who choose to be alone, the preferential loners, thrive in their solitude. It’s the very lifeblood of their existence. My suggestion is that you need to reach out to a support group if you feel sad. It’s obvious that you were not destined to be a loner, which is fine, most people aren’t. Thanks for reading.

  13. Guest says

    I’m tired of being a loner. I just wish that I could get through it. Whether there are also some advantages of being a loner, I still don’t want to be one. I have to be realistic and true to myself that I really don’t want to be like this. Ever. Sometimes I really weep in great sorrow. There are a lot of limitations of being a loner. If ever I got a lot of money, I would pay almost a million dollars just to get through it. Seriously.

    • SolW0lf says

      I think the advantages of being a loner are only attractive and enjoyable when you’ve first experienced comfort in solitude. Clearly you aren’t so much Alone as Lonely, and that’s perfectly understandable. Even the most die hard of loners often require at least one or two people in their life to create a social connection with, we are social creatures after all.

      Maybe you should focus you’re energy on trying to befriend people you’d connect with, I know it’s a hassle, anxiety provoking even. I use to suffer from social anxiety till eventually, the day came when my desire to feel connection with others was much greater than the fear to approach. Perhaps you’ll soon feel that as well. :)

  14. Pipsky says

    i think we are disliked for intimidating the loud with quietness. disliked for showing them that we are secured with ourselves and don’t need their presence to be happy in our little world. if only people of all personality types learn to respect’s differences, our world, would be more a happy place to live in =)

    • says

      Hi Pipsky. Interesting statements – quietness to me seems to work in two ways … on one hand we can be overlooked and trampled on for possessing it, and on the other our quietness can serves as an (ironically) loud and intimidating statement to those who don’t possess it. Quietness can show people that we are either self insecure (as in the case of shyness), or self secure. It only depends on why exactly we are quiet. I like that you use “quiet” instead of “loner” – it’s a pity that word has such deep-rooted negative connotations. But I guess the benefit of being idealists is that we can dream of how happy the world would be if all differences and all their titles were embraced. Guess that’s why they say I’m off with the fairies most of the time …
      Thanks for commenting :)

  15. Eagle Eye says

    Glad to have stumbled upon lonerwolf.com

    Great reply to Kimberly. Yes, the solution is to separate oneself from the game.

    I would like to add an additional perspective. Being a Christian, communion and communication with God and meditating on the words and the people of the bible allow me to be connected to people by understanding how valuable everyone truly is no matter how different and to realize that God loves me inspite of myself and especially inspite of what others think of my lonely lifestyle.

    Unfortunately, even churches over emphasize community to the point of suggesting that one is selfish if one doesn’t get involved in community events. They way I like to contribute is by giving financially, helping to clean up after an event, pray at prayer meetings, but not necessarily attending social functions or being face to face with the needy. Being around too many people make me uncomfortable and often annoyed. I know God understands that.

    I still struggle at times with the discomfort of knowing that others view me as a bit strange, but quickly get over it as I remember that these people do not determine my eternity, let alone provide even for the very necessary temporal needs of our existence.

    • says

      I’m glad you stumbled across it as well Eagle Eye :)

      Your comment reminds me of my time as in a Christian church. Being part of that collective was reason enough for me to feel even more of a loner and an outsider than the agnostic or atheist loner… people considered my behavior and outlooks strange, because they were so “God” orientated. Once I left that religion for various reasons, I realized that even though I was still a loner by nature, I felt MORE connected to people.

      Religion to me is just another game. It feeds off fear of the unknown (death, the afterlife, and God) – and provides the antidote to the very sickness it causes. It was hard for me to see that while I was deeply ensnared by the beliefs and practices of that religion, but with a little bit of thought I realized the great rift religion creates in peoples lives. This is just what I mentioned in the article about Social Collectives – while religions unite people, they tear people apart as well. In that religion I personally felt like a loner because I had the biblical ideas of “these are the holy, righteous, believers” and “these are the outside, wordly unbelievers” ingrained in me. Can you imagine how lonely that would make you feel? It sounds like you can. If you are religious and consider yourself a loner, it’s most likely that you actually feel ALONE, because of the dividing nature of your beliefs.

      I did the same thing as you – I tried to connect to people and understand them by trying to commune with God and read an ancient, transliterated text. But it doesn’t work. If you want to truly appreciate people, don’t look through the eyes of religion. Isn’t it ironic that the biblical ideas state that ‘everyone is a creation of God and should be valued’ and then goes to talk about how many people have been annihilated and wiped off the face of the earth, not to mention promised the penalty of hell for being ‘heathen unbelievers’, for all eternity?

      Thanks for your perspective, I’ve offered a bit of mine from my own experience.

      • Eagle Eye says

        Hi luna,
        I don’t know if you’ll receive this via an e-mail reply but …

        Thank you for writing back. I agree with you, religion kills. Jesus never intended for people to be in bondage under the human wisdom of a few self proclaimed “leaders”. The way most churches organize today would make Jesus skin crawl. He died to set us free not only from the powers of darkness that oppress us but also from human oppressors who prey upon people for gain, either monitary or fame.
        When the paul and the apostles walked the earth, they did not refer to being followers of Jesus as Christianity, the simply referred to following “the way”, it was just a way for them to say we agree with Jesus and  believe this is the way to live. In his writings, Paul and the others encourage us to be lead by his holy spirit, not other men. We are only to immitate men when their works prove to have “good fruit”, in other words, result in good and not evil.
        I became a Christian because I had a powerful encounter with Jesus. I came from a background deeply rooted in witchcraft, neglect and abuse that left me mentally ill, not enough to be committed, but just enough to make relationships virtually impossible and my inner life tormentous. I looked out my window one day and I said, “If You’re real, I’ll do things Your wasy, I can’t take it anymore”.
        In the following months, through several divine signs and appointments I met a couple who was leading a Bible study and they began to teach me. The night I repented of my sins and asked Jesus to take over my life, I could not utter Jesus’ name, the demons that had a hold of my life literallly suppressed the words from coming out of my mouth. The people that were in the meeting with me prayed and I fell backwards onto their couch under some kind of power and felt immediately released from a weight on my chest. I felt like an absoulute idiot & was so embarrassed that I wanted to run out of there. I thought that these people were weird and thaty maybe they did something to me. But that was only in my mind. In my innermost being I felt a peace I NEVER KNEW BEFORE. I stayed because the tears were streaming down my face from the release from all those years of pain and bondage.
        Within weeks I was healed from the depression I felt since I was a child. I remember wanting to kill myself since I was 11 years old. Also within weeks I had no desire to drink, which I did plenty of back then and a couple of months later, i quit smoking.
        It has been a difficult journey getting fully released from all the junk from my past, so eventhough people do not honor God with their actions, my faith is in Jesus, not them. I can sit in church and walk away after a few hours and not throw the baby out with the bath water. Through the spirit of God I discern what is God is saying and what is coming from the human spirit. Even when I’m wrong, it doesn’t matter. That’s what God’s grace is for. Romans 5:9 says: Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. That’s the whole message of the New Testament: HE’S NOT ANGRY ANYMORE!!!
        You sound like such a compassionate & deep person. I would recommend a book by a man named Jeremy Lopez called “The Power of the Eternal Now”. There is no “Christianese” or any other little cliches from churchianity to turn you off. By the way, many times those that are shunned in churches today are the ones who are “God oriented” so the ones in charge feel threatened and make them feel like there is something wrong with them, or that they are rebellious, etc. You’re right, religion unites people to tear them apart collectively. I would just like to remind you what Jesus said about satan, “He comes to steal, kill and destroy”. How much better to get people together under the guise of Christlikeness and slowly kill them through lies, oppression and discouragement. The bible also says” We are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places (Ephesians 6:12). These forces use people that are greedy for recognition, power and money to hurt those seeking God and the good He promises in the Bible. It’s important to 1. Know the bible. 2. Have a relationship with God through the Holy Spirit ( so we can discern lies and evil forces) and 3. Live the bible. knowing it does nothing for us except make us proud.
        Don’t stop sharing your perspective and continue to reach out to others.
        Thank you

  16. says

    I always wonder why others are so obsessed with “why don’t you go out and socialize?”  I usually retort “Because I am against socialism!” It elicits a laugh, but confirms their idea that I am simply a social butterfly who has “lost her wings” and desperately wants to re-join the fold.  Those who are different must be odd, or damaged, and “repaired” so that they are like everybody else. Conform or die.

    I don’t want to “re-join” the fold. I was in it briefly when I was in grade school, and then I moved on. I became self-reliant, self-dependent, and refuse to be so desperate that my self-worth is completely dependent on how “popular” I am: how many parties I attend, how many facebook “friends” I have. It seems unbelievably shallow to think that the quantity of relationships equals a quality of life.  However, I don’t go around creating psychological profiles demeaning their lifestyle choice of social dependency: why is it necessary that they do so for me?

    I am not a recluse – I do move within society, albeit mostly from the fringes. I do allow some people in my life, but I am very selective. I prefer substance over style, and for the most part those who I call friend are of the same ilk. I just wish that those who are “socially dependent” on others to validate their existence would give me the freedom and space to enjoy my own type of “non-socialism.”

    • says

      Nice wit Kimberly :)  It’s important to become self-reliant, and self-dependent.  Just like wearing makeup to feel that you’re beautiful, so does relying on the opinions of others trick you – they both fluctuate, they both tempt you to think you must rely on them, and they’re both the norm in society.
      Interestingly you say that you wish the socially dependent people would GIVE you the space and freedom to enjoy.  I don’t think it’s for others to give, because once you let others have the power over you to give you freedom or happiness or some other emotion, they have complete control over you. So perhaps you aren’t conforming to society as you point out, but you may still be depending on others for your peace and happiness.
      To me this is similar to say, anger.  If I’m angry at someone, they have control over me.  They can do something or say something that will cause me to react.  They can push my buttons and trigger a bomb in me.  They still have the power over me, and I’m completely tied around their finger.
      Sure, it’s hard to ignore the way society treats those who are ‘different’, but rebelling isn’t a sign of freedom or independence, it’s simply a reaction to me.  You’re still part of the game.  You still give too much importance to that game as well.  So to me the solution is to completely separate yourself from that game, to see how irrelevant it is, and to no longer give it any attention.  After that occurs, then you can fly solo and be the master of your own freedom. 
      Thanks for commenting.

  17. HiDDeN_EniGma says

    I think there is beauty to be found in being alone. It is much different then from being lonely. When you are lonely you ache and long to have that connection or intimacy with another person or being. You crave being in a social environment and that people will understand you and accept you for who you are. When you are alone and you can find peace and contentment within yourself, you really begin to enjoy the true meaning of solitude. You learn so much more about yourself and are able to be comfortable in your own skin. Then I think it’s safe to say you can be comfortable around other people. A lot of it has to do with your upbringing and what kind of environment you were surrounded in and how much love, nurture and attention was given to you as a child. I grew up with a very dominating and aggressive Father and a very calm and loving Mother who always taught me to see the funny side in the worst of the situation. So I was always torn between two worlds but have always been able to see both sides. I think I’m going in an entirely different direction with this now hahaha. Great post, always interested to read up on topics like this, looking forward to reading more :)

    • says

       Thanks for your comment HiDDeN_EniGma, you make some excellent points!  I think, like you said, that when people finally accept the state of being alone with themselves, they soon accept themselves.  And it’s like a domino effect from my experience…  Once they accept themselves, their interactions with the people around them are more accepting as well.  They no longer leach off other people for their sense of fulfillment and self worth…but draw that from themselves.  It’s a much healthier way of living, but I think we try to avoid it because we’re scared of being alone with ourselves and what we’ll find or not find.  I grew up with a mum and dad who were both extremely introverted…so there’s not much hope for me haha
      Thanks for posting ;)

  18. says

    I get you Van…for me being alone the majority of the time never really felt the same as ‘loneliness’, it was just something I was naturally inclined towards, and had fun doing.  It didn’t seem abnormal until people pointed it out, or I started comparing myself with other ‘socialites’.  I think it’s natural to feel lonely sometimes unless you have some kind of kindred person to connect with in your life.  Thanks for reading!

  19. Van says

    People don’t believe I’m not lonely. Sometimes I am. Most times I’d prefer to choose when I’m social and with who.