You meditate, practice mindfulness, do inner child work, shadow work, burn incense, communicate with your spirit guides and are passionate about the spiritual path …
but the only problem is that your partner isn’t.
In fact, not only are they not interested in the spiritual path but they also have a hard time understanding why you engage in various spiritual practices in the first place.
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A thought may have gone through your mind, “can this relationship survive?”
This is a troubling thought and may be accompanied by feelings of anxiety, emotional discomfort or even a sensation of looming endangerment. I want to help you reach some semblance of inner peace and clarity by the end of this article.
Is Your Relationship Doomed?
First off, this is a pretty loaded question.
The only way to determine whether your relationship is doomed to fail or not is to pay attention to the context of what is happening within it and your dynamic together as a couple.
Here are some red flags you should look out for:
- Your partner makes fun of you and your practice
- Your partner gets angry when you dedicate time to your spirituality
- Your partner tries to prevent you from practicing your spiritual path
- Your partner has created a spoken or unspoken “ultimatum” i.e. “it’s me or your spirituality”
- Your partner frequently criticizes your spiritual beliefs
- You feel the need to “hide” your spiritual practice and do it in secret
- You feel pressured to believe/follow what your partner believes
- You’re afraid of sharing your spirituality for fear of being judged or rejected
If you can say “yes” to more than one of these negative red flags, you should be concerned. Your relationship is oppressive and doesn’t allow you to grow as a person which means that there is likely an unhealthy dynamic going on. I would advise you to spend some quiet time across the next few weeks reconsidering your relationship. Why? Because you have a right to practice whatever form of spirituality speaks to your soul. You have a right to flourish as a spiritual being and be loved and supported – not rejected or judged negatively.
If, however, you can’t quite relate to the above red flags but your partner isn’t spiritual and you are, this is a positive sign (but also more complex).
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What to Do When Your Partner Isn’t on the Spiritual Path
Understandably it can be frustrating and disheartening to live with (or spend a lot of time with) a person who doesn’t share the same aspirations, outlooks, or spiritual beliefs as you.
But I want to mention something very important here: beware of the ideals you create.
Concepts such as twin flames and soul mates can be useful in defining and understanding relationships, but they are ultimately limiting and constrictive when framed in the purely spiritual context. (Anyway, you can still have a “non-spiritual” soulmate or twin flame – if you like using those labels.) So if you are looking jealously at other couples who seem to “have it all” spiritually speaking, drop those rose-tinted glasses immediately.
“Spiritual” relationships are not the be all and end all. In other words, NO you don’t have to be in a spiritual relationship to be happy. No, you don’t need to share the same metaphysical beliefs or outlooks.
Why?
Because the most “spiritual” thing is ultimately love.
If we are talking about real spirituality here (not just the various methods, paths or mental beliefs), what ultimately matters is how much you love and accept each other, regardless of your differences.
Beware of the toxic comparison that makes you feel like you should both be on the same page about everything, like “other people.” Beware of the toxic comparison that makes you feel like you should be posting pictures of yourself and your partner on Instagram doing something “spiritual” like yoga – or go on week-long meditation retreats together – like “other people.”
As a person who has written a lot on spiritual relationships I can tell you this:
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If your partner has the ability to love, they are innately spiritual. It doesn’t matter what they believe (or don’t believe) so long as they are able to open their heart to you.
So put your foot down and refuse to be pressured into believing that your relationship has to look or feel a certain way. Your relationship is unique, and so long as it is based on mutual love and respect, it is healthy and can survive.
A Little Side Note on Core Needs
As a slight diversion, I want to say that it is possible that you may have a healthy and loving relationship but the connection still isn’t right for you.
Why may this be the case?
The answer is that one of your core needs isn’t being met. If you absolutely feel in your heart of hearts that you need a partner who is on the same page as you spiritually, that is one of your core needs. And you need to pay attention to it.
There are no easy answers here, and all I can say is that if you are unhappy in your relationship despite the fact that it is loving and respectful, it may not be the right relationship for you.
Not everyone needs to be in a relationship with a spiritual person, but if you feel the deep core need to be, then you need to do some soul searching. Reflect on yourself and your relationship in five years time: does the thought make you happy or restless/depressed? If you answered the latter then it is unlikely your relationship will be able to survive simply due to the fact that one of your core needs is to have a spiritual romantic companion. And that’s perfectly okay. You will need to sort out your feelings and plan for the best path of action.
Here Are Some Essential Do’s and Don’ts
So now that we’ve cleared up whether a relationship can survive or not when one partner isn’t spiritual, here are some ways to ensure that your relationship continues to flourish:
Don’ts:
- Don’t pressure your partner to adopt the same spiritual beliefs or practices as you – they must ultimately decide for themselves. So be cautious of trying to deprive them of that empowered choice no matter how zealous you feel. Honor their free will.
- Be careful of harboring negative judgment or a critical attitude towards your partner just because they are different. Remember that we are all at various levels of spiritual awakening. When the time comes (if it comes) your partner will awaken too.
- Don’t get lost in rose-tinted ideals and fantasies about who your partner “should” be spiritually speaking. Wanting or expecting your partner to be anything other than what they are is a recipe for disaster. Accept the full package of your partner (strengths and flaws alike).
- Don’t rely exclusively on your partner for spiritual nourishment – this point may seem obvious, but you’d be surprised by how many people out there expect their partners to be “all things and everything.” Take that burden off your partner and find a local spiritual group (or at the very least, one online) where you can express the spiritual side of yourself.
Do’s:
- Lead by example (don’t preach to convert). There is nothing as nauseating as a person trying to proselytize others – so don’t be pushy with your beliefs and outlooks. Walk the talk instead.
- Find and focus on the similarities between you and your partner.
- Regularly express your love, commitment, and affection (which itself is a spiritual practice).
- See your relationship as a “school of life” and your partner as a teacher in disguise. So much self-knowledge and spiritual growth can occur within relationships, regardless of how “spiritual” they are. Your partner will mirror your greatest hidden strengths and also your most feared shadows. So see your connection as sacred without being overbearing.
- Honor what stage your partner is at. Be careful of seeing yourself as more spiritually “advanced” than your partner (which leads to an inflated ego) – choose to see both of you at different levels on the spiral of growth. Understand that your partner may be more developed in some areas of life than you and vice versa.
- Seek to meet each other at an equal level.
***
To summarize: pay attention to the context and dynamic of your relationship. If your connection is based on mutual love and respect then YES, it is possible to thrive and survive together. If you have a core need to connect with a spiritual partner, then NO, living with an “unspiritual” partner is unlikely to fulfill you. Although, before you jump to this conclusion, I ask you to consider what “spiritual” actually means to you – does it mean spiritual according to your path and beliefs, or something else? Also ask yourself, “Am I happy to do my thing and allow my partner to do theirs?” or do you both absolutely need to be on the same page?
Hopefully, you have a bit more clarity now as I know how complex and emotionally-charged this topic can be.
Do let me know if I’ve missed anything or if you have any advice of your own. I’d love to read your insights!
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I’m going to share my story here, in case it helps even one person out there…but first want to say how much I truly love the writings of both you and Aletheia!
I have been very “personal growth” & metaphysically inclined my entire life. I live and breathe it! I also have been blessed with a depth of awareness & psychic skills that have delivered to me a worldwide clientele of devoted and growing clients for several decades. My idea of a good time is…well, you know–going to personal growth events, deepening my awareness, spiritual connection (of course love, humor, creativity too).
I met my now-husband over 3 decades ago when we both worked at a health food co-op in southern California. He was in college but basically a hippie, having the lifestyle of brown rice & veggies, history of hallucinogen use (not a lot), and doing Vipassana meditation when we met. He’d gone up the California coast to visit Krishnamurti; he was attending sessions with Muktananda at the time. A spiritual man, into natural foods…We clicked.
Fast forward a few years…our political/social awareness and views kept us connected, our love of music, commitment to buying organic for the health of Mother Earth, and so very, very many other things…but his so-called “spiritual activities” are so long gone that I can’t even recall when he last meditated. While I am always wondering what I should to next to “evolve,” “clear myself,” or heal, he spends a large majority of his spare time watching television or movies, or online (some of the rest of the time is tasks, friends, sports, enjoying life). He is adamantly not metaphysically inclined, nor interested in “personal growth” activities.
Yet I am often brought to tears by the loyalty, fierce tender love, and amazing compassion of this man. He is spiritual in ways I only aspire to. While he is a PhD, he has an innocence and joy that floors me. Often I am greeted with such exuberant, unabashed adoration that I am in awe. I suppose I carry more of the trauma and scars of someone clearing eons of collective energies…as I feel that I fail to match his ability to love without fear and without question. But he is teaching me by example!
He also has such a “Zen” way of looking at life. Often when I am deeply mired in my Scorpio and healer-oriented deeply probing need to know “why” and “wherefore,” he just looks at the moment and something simple, profound, and perfectly “spiritual” pops out—but he would never call it spiritual.
I was moved to write this by your remarks on LOVE being the true test. We have had our trials for sure, and I believe it is always useful to seek help from counselors, friends, spiritual advisors…no partnership that I know of is without challenges. But I feel very blessed by this unexpected teacher of mine…and I hope this helps some readers.
Absolutely nailed it at the beginning with “Because the most “spiritual” thing is ultimately love.” Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Therefore, a universal language. We need to stop looking at our differences and comparisons and love others as we love ourselves.
Another insightful and soul moving read. Thank you.
Thank you Todd, it definite is the most powerful force. It’s a shame that love has been associated with so much ‘feel good fluff’ because it puts a lot of people off from exploring further into how valuable and necessary it is. I can say from my own experience that being a critical thinker with cynical tendencies, it took a big ‘wake up’ from life experience to realize how important love toward oneself and others really is.
I would like to take the opportunity to encourage you, Mateo, to stay critical and, when needed, cynical. Otherwise you just simply seem to be confirming all the feel good fluff love is not. If love cannot bear the truth love is not love.
Thank you Alma. I don’t think I can ever achieve complete freedom from my critical perception of reality, it’s just how I’m biologically wired and have been socialized due to circumstance. I only hope to balance it more and more with my ‘Anima’, my feeling/sensory/meaning-finding side more, to allow me to have a much better ability to both mentally break down while still feeling the deep underlying union of existence.
Why, Mateo, are you so sure freedom lies in escaping from a critical perception of reality? I truly believe it to be the exact opposite way round. On the other side of sound, individual and independent critical thinking lies the fluffy and pink and self contained plastic image of what love is not and what life is not. Animo rather than anima, if you ask me. Adelante! Set sails! Go!
Freedom lies in escaping all ‘absolutes’ as paradoxical as that sounds. When you understand mathematics as a made up language which therefore cannot be used to accurately assess it’s own absoluteness, and you also understand that language originated around the same time as the separate concept of ‘I’ (prior to language there was no division between, no divorce of the ‘us’ and ‘divine’) then you become weary of any type of scientism that can easily arise from pure belief in critical thought. As Henri Bergson beautifully put it: “Reason and intellect are evolutionary tools of survival; to be effective they must falsify reality and present a static solid world of what is really a ceaseless flow of experience. Truer and deeper rapport comes via intuition.”
Thank you for these wise words. I wish I had read them 35 years ago, before I followed my libido, silenced the voice of my innermost being, and married the absolutely wrong man for me. He put in a lot of time and energy to convince me he wasn’t the person I first took him to be. In retrospect, I see at least five of those eight red flags you listed, once he grew tired of being married, tired of being with me, tired of not being himself. I think he lashed out at me because he didn’t know where else to aim his anger and disappointment. To my surprise, just now as I wrote that last sentence, I found that for once I’m not accusing or blaming him. Rather, I feel compassion for a young man who believed he had to pretend to be someone other than himself to get the love he craved so desperately. Not to mention a young woman who was also desperate to be loved.
If I have any advice out of all that heartbreak and disappointment, it’s that life goes on. Even when you feel your soul has been trampled and destroyed; even when, as my sister observed, you are like Humpty Dumpty and you fear not even the King’s horses can put you together again. It’s possible to be whole again, and even to appreciate the scars. It may be a cliche, but love is the tie that binds. If you allow it, love and time are great healers. Surround yourself with the love of family, whether by blood or friendship. Love and forgive yourself. Be patient. I have now been divorced (14 years) for almost as long as I was married (18 years), and I’m still a work in progress.
Another lesson I finally learned is that my life is mine, and it doesn’t have to be shared in every detail with someone else. In some ways, we all walk individual paths. At the same time we share our path with others as they share theirs with us. Just as we all take individual breaths, yet share the same air. No one can breathe for me, and I can’t breathe for someone else. OK, so there may be times when spiritual CPR is called for, but you can’t carry on CPR indefinitely. My spiritual journey is mine. I may have practices and goals in common with others, but only I can do my own growing.
I’ve been accused of writing novels when I try to explain myself. (Speaking of red flags, that was a big one and put an end to *that* relationship.) Hopefully some of this will speak to someone, somewhere. Life can be brutal, relationships can be abusive, and sometimes it leaves you wounded and feeling defeated. Keep breathing. Find your loving family, if don’t have one already. Be patient. Forgive yourself. Keep walking your spiritual path, even if it feels like you are only capable of crawling.
One last thing to share, and I hope it helps someone. The same guy who told me I write novels also told me I don’t just have emotional baggage, I have a whole matched set of luggage. (yeah, thanks, buh-bye!) When I shared this with a friend, he said, “imagine loading all that luggage onto a Viking ship. Go get a gas can. I’ve got a match. We’ll set that ship on fire and send it out to sea for a proper burial”.
Best of all, another friend, who happens to be a pastor, told me that the story of Holy Week is often reflected in our own lives at some time or other. We all have times when we feel betrayed, tortured, dead. But then comes resurrection. The silence and coldness of the tomb is over and we have new life. The sun is warm on our face and there is hope for the future. May the sun shine on all of you.
Thank you for sharing your struggles and learnings thus far Lane, I especially liked the “spiritual CPR” concept :). I’m sure this advice will shine the light on many others who may be down a similar path.
Dear Lane K
Many thanks for sharing your hardship. I have learned a lot ever since I first joined Loner Wolf. You are an amazing person and your story is very inspiring and heart-felt respect to you. I hope and pray that you will find true happiness and please do continue to do what you do and I hope and pray with heart-felt tears that I will find true happiness one day as well. Again, many thanks Lane K
You have helped me heaps after reading your comments and your story.
Signed Malcolm
Thank you, Malcolm. I’m afraid I do tend to get a bit wordy, but I’m glad there was something in that novel that helped you. Blessings!
Thank you so much. This hit so close to home for me. I’m a twin flame and have met my counterpart. We’ve been through a lot including a 2 1/2 year separation before reconnecting via social media. He’s not awakened to his spirituality and I believe he will in his own divine time. As to the list of “Don’ts” I feel I’m already following them by respecting his individual path. We are closer than before our separation but have not yet met on this plane. Again, divine time steps in.
Again, thank you.
Namaste
No worries Jeff, thank you for sharing.
I have been struggling with this exact topic for months. Thank you, it has helped me figure it out.
A really thought-provoking piece, Sol! There are an incredible amount of insightful points to take away here, and I realise that all of the points are applicable to friendships as well as romantic relationships. I have had the issue of trying to ‘recruit’ my closest friends to this path and have come up against resistance. If I concentrate on myself and myself only, then they may or may not follow, but that is the best and right thing to do.
Thank you Daniel. You’re entirely right, concentrating on yourself is the only thing you can do. I’ve learned the hard way that not all the friends I’ve had have manage to continue down this path with me, it wasn’t their time or their calling and that’s okay. Ultimate the ‘self’ that is growing and changing will not be the same ‘self’ that befriended those people, so although I shared a beautiful friendship with many people at a specific point in my life, like a rose that’s reaches its maturity, it can’t last forever. I’m thankful to those seasonal roses (friendships) in my life, and the few roses who became perennials and continued blossoming with me. :)
Yet again a really excellent piece addressing an issue relevant to many I suspect. Definitely relevant to me and I can say that walking my talk rather than lecturing what my partner should do is far more eggective at bringing us closer. Many thanks
Thank you Christine. Walking the talk is the only way, especially if you are dealing with males. I’m personally thankful that Luna has never told me how to behave and that’s made me more receptive to her wisdom in our relationship. It might be just my Aries-Dragon combination, but I become extra stubborn when I’m told what to do and lose all receptivity to the message regardless of how wise it may be.
Great article! As my partner (currently separated) is also my “twin flame” (fyi I really don’t like labels), it upsets me that in the spiritual community it’s expected that both of you should definitely be well, spiritual. Spirituality means different things to different people. In our relationship, I’m the spiritual one, and he’s not, he’s very logical and science-based. My spiritual interests include things like yoga, meditation, shadow work, anything to do with the occult and mysticism, crystals, burning incense and as he calls it “witchy things”. We were both raised Catholic but aren’t practicing or religious, so maybe that helps. He’s also into things like quantum physics, while I’m into things like the law of attraction and manifestation, and it’s interesting how closely related they are. I have always believed that science and spirituality can and do coexist. It helps that we’re both into similar things such as horror movies, and the fact that he apparently grew up in a haunted house and experienced things that even freak ME out! So he can’t say he doesn’t believe in spirits! So in our relationship, we get on fine in regards to this topic. He has no clue what a twin flame is, and I’ve never tried to preach my personal beliefs onto him, and likewise. He knows about my “numbers thing”, like seeing synchronized numbers, in particular the famous 11:11, which he’ll point out as a laugh if he happens to see it when we’re together, but doesn’t know the meaning or has shown any interest in it, which doesn’t bother me. We both agree that we have had a crazy connection from the beginning, with many “coincidences”, but I don’t try and explain my thoughts on the whole twin flame thing, as he’d probably just dismiss it as nuts, in the nicest way possible! We’re both considered weird and outcasts and have our whole lives, so that helps too. Recently he went through his dark night of the soul, but to him that was just “serious depression of the outmost crippling kind, where he completely lost himself and couldn’t talk to anyone about what was happening to him”. I know though. The things that he described in detail, it was 100% a DNOTS. Prior to this, he ignored me for months and refused to talk. He ended up in the mental hospital, which isn’t surprising, as he suffers from “bipolar”, and we both went through severe childhood trauma, and suffer from depression and anxiety. Tonight we finally spent over 6 hours talking, where for once he did most of the talking (he’s been the “runner” in our tf relationship for years, on and off). I know that I triggered his awakening, and DNOTS. Not on purpose or wanting that for him, because I know just how painful it is, it just happened. Tonight he finally had several revelations about his life and why he wants and needs to change for himself. In the past he tried to change for me and needless to say, it didn’t work out, hence why we’re separated. I don’t even know if we’ll get back together, but we are both so happy being friends again, and able to finally communicate properly. Sorry for the long comment! However this just happened tonight, and when I received your email on this topic, I couldn’t help myself! Synchronized to the max! So my short answer is yes, a relationship can definitely work if only one of you is considered spiritual. Also side note: during the course of our relationship (we don’t live together but he’d visit me often), he couldn’t help but see what I’m interested in. I mean I have candles, incense, crystals and all kinds of stuff all over my apartment! He even ended up giving me them as gifts, and taking interest in crystals for example, asking me if I’m going to charge them because it was a full moon lol, I was like how do you even know about that?! Likewise I respect his scientific knowledge, he’s very intelligent when it comes to all that, and I find intelligence sexy. Thanks for a great read! I hope it helps others too <3
Thanks Ana for sharing your story, it’s definitely synchronicity at work :). I’m happy to hear he has someone like you in his life. I myself started much the same in the ‘stern science’ of consciousness approach to seeking truth as it was so ‘firm’ and grounding, I can see the attraction especially if one suffers from a mental illness that makes the world feel more chaotic. But thanks to having the presence of Luna and her more ‘abstract’ approach to spirituality, I’ve learned to accept my ‘Anima’ (to put it in Jungian terms) and find the beauty in the feminine/sensual exploration of truth as how meaningful it can make life which is something science and it’s purpose evolutionary path lacks.
To be honest, its a very complicated situation and from my personal experience, this was a factor that my relation dind’t work out. How can you explain to someone that you are a walk in, that your father is been incarnated again and got in touch twice in his (now her) new physical aspect, take 10 people in the street and ask them, what they think about reincarnation that cover a very small part of spirituality, than you have the answer and understand why its very important to be on the same level if you want your relation be a life succes. Spirituality is not to learn, its in your awaked soul or not if you are a sleeper.
It is definitely a complicated topic, especially as you point out ‘spirituality’ means different things to different people. To me for instance, it’s a transpersonal path; meaning I believe the ‘self’/ego to be a construct of the mind that one can ‘transcend’ and experience deep states of bliss or what the mystics refer to as ‘Enlightenment’. In this framework, things like ‘reincarnation’ become tricky because if there’s no ‘self’ that truly exists in the objective world, then there’s no ‘self’ that reincarnates from past lives, and it’s rather our present ‘self’ accessing the collective unconscious/Akashic fields and experiencing memories that it interprets as its own from a previous life. Very complex indeed.
I just think this is a great article. I think the world at large is suffering greatly from LACK OF APPRECIATION for what is real. We are inundated every day with marketing, and things that are geared towards manipulating us to a certain action (buy more stuff! Be jealous of my posh life! Be jealous of the ideal I have right now but probably won’t hold on to it!!) And if you can be slow enough, steady enough and stable enough to know yourself, you will find that in every day you wake up there are a multitude of things to appreciate. A partner who loves you unconditionally is hard to find. I’ve seen many people move out of relationships because of getting distracted by what they “could” have… but look at what you DO have. If you have love, you have everything. So what if your partner doesn’t do yoga. If you do, and it helps you, he or she is gonna get curious. Love is the connecting force that unifies us. Thank you both for your perseverance and support!!
That’s exactly it Tami, appreciation and gratitude for what we do have. It’s easy to see how relationships become another ‘thing’ that is traded around, upgraded, downgraded and as some source of momentary happiness. As Pascal put it; “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” Stopping, slowing down, and reflecting seems to be one of the few ways to truly pause the treadmill of our desires.