What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive?
Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons being presented.
Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundly manipulating and messing up your perceptions and sensibilities.
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Why is it that empaths and narcissists – two diametrically opposed types of people – feel an almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe that it is Life’s way of restoring balance.
For example, let’s examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring, compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, let’s examine your typical narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply uncaring, indifferent, self-centered and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in contact with their “inverted/reverse” selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result of such an experience (although this doesn’t always happen immediately, but through trial and error). However, it is important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in their lives – any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.
4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Should Look Out For
So many articles out there talk about “protecting” yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this language promotes the disempowering notion that “other people are out to get you.” They’re not. People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others. The more you perceive yourself as a “victim” of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable you’ll be of truly owning your personal power as an empath.
A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously you’ll be able to behave and make decisions in their presence.
Main Types
Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:
Vulnerable Narcissists (VN’s)
These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, VN’s overcompensate by putting on a grandiose mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VN’s have an unshakeable need to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VN’s are primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus don’t have the capacity to authentically love and care for others. Additionally, VN’s use emotional manipulation (such as shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.
Invulnerable Narcissists (IN’s)
These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person, cold and unempathetic person. IN’s, unlike VN’s, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power, glory, recognition, and pleasure. IN’s often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be far superior to everyone else – and they have a pathological need to make that known.
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Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.
Subtypes
Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following (unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:
The Amorous Narcissist
Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are the ultimate relationship con artists, “gold diggers” and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their own needs and desires.
The Compensatory Narcissist
Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives, this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and manipulation is a common method of control used by this type.
The Elitist Narcissist
This breed of person does anything to climb to the “top,” win and completely dominate others. Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters, braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the “best” and prove themselves to be intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.
The Malignant Narcissist
The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths and those with antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs. immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in “outsmarting” others. This type of narcissist can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage to run afoul of the law.
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Now that you have read through the different “flavors” of narcissism you might be thinking, “what next?”
The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact with such people. I recommend reading our article on how to love yourself more for further direction.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to know more about narcissists and empaths, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
There are so many empaths out there currently struggling to catch a breath of air in the large murky ocean of narcissism saturating their lives. If you are one of these people, I hope that this article can be a starting place to help heal your life. You’re also invited to unload your experiences in the comments area (rants and emotional catharsis encouraged).
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On the other hand, if you are an empath that has successfully learned to deal with narcissists, please take some time to share what you’ve discovered below. You never know … your comment could help to salvage another’s life.
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I am writing this to anyone currently struggling with no contact or breaking away, this rabbit hole goes as deep as you let it. There are so many fears that keep you going back, insane ideas, “like they are the one”. I escaped a marriage four years ago with a narcissist. I barely got out with my life. For so long I struggled going back, forgiving psychological and physical violence, having my life and career and finances destroyed. He planned each step, and walked away with everything, not just the money, our whole life. But in my recovery
I learned about pattern matching and ptsd, how strange ideas get pushed deeply into our minds and we come to think fixing them or staying is the only way to fix our lives.
Whatever you are afraid of homelessness, poverty, loneliness, starting over, being alone. It will not be as bad as staying can become. It will be hard but you will make it. I promise you, nothing is worse than staying. Break all contact, you are like the spring itself, you will grow flowers again.
Here is what I learned. When the N leaves it’s a very good thing indeed, even if it doesn’t feel that way-at all. Total cut off really helped me gather my tattered self. After the sadness, anger, obsessing, bargaining, pouting I was left with myself. Just me. I realized that I was a train wreck long before I met N. Before this realization I blamed everything on N. I realize that I was being immature and a baby. Needy and clingy though I worked really hard to hide it. I was an easy mark. If I don’t respect myself who the hell will? The 2nd N hardly did any damage. I got rid of him real fast and fairly easily. Ns bug off when they don’t get their way. I stopped overly caring about the others and now I care about myself and those that are nice to me, only. It’s great. Empaths are pathetic really like the Ns. I got out. The door is isn’t far. Why don’t you take it or show it to N?
Best to leave as soon as something is off, but if they are non violent type videotape them and let them watch their behavior toward you and others sometimes it’s a bit of a wake up call to them see the jerk they are they can’t lie on video but be prepared for they might be shocked and realize the behavior is not normal even though they still need help to change or they may get mad.
This article was a light to read. And thank you for this insight. To the person who identified and saw themselves as a narcissist is one that I too resonate. I am deeply attached to ‘good’ and ‘bad’ notions of personhood and absolutely loathe any aspects of identifying with my shadow self. Mostly because the rhetoric in the spiritual community or ppl who are on a spiritual path often tells you to dis-identify or hate your ego/shadow-self. I frankly hate being ‘that person’ who is narcissistic or to having inflicted pain on another. My empathic self allows me to check myself often because of my self-awareness and empathy for others. It isn’t so black and white and often the people I seem to attract based on one relationship experience, are more narcissistic/than empath but they do possess both traits, as we all do. Of all the good that came with my relationship, I found myself understanding and ‘getting it’ why boundaries are so important. An article I read recently on why boundaries are necessary for empaths and their survival. If you struggle with this as I do, deeply.
I do want to say that I really enjoyed this article. There are others in my life that have narc traits and can be difficult to deal with, but those relationships are worth some of the strain of the dynamic of the relationship. We both benefit from learning from each other. There are narc relationships that can be worked through. But once it comes down to abuse of any kind, that is where things need to end as such in my story below regarding a narc that my life is so much better without.
It can be difficult, but do not fear walking away from a narc. That is the best possible solution. You may miss the “good” times, but realize that they were merely an illusion fabricated to trap you for their own selfish desires. I had a narc in my life that hooked me by showering me with adoration. I didn’t understand why others didn’t think this person was as great as I was seeing them… until I had served my purpose, or became boring to them, and their true colors started showing. After feeling closeness for some time, I was suddenly hit with constant insults and beratement. Wondering what I had done wrong, or feeling as if I was actually deserving of those put downs was the terrible crash after the high the narc spun me out on. I felt empathy for the narc, after all, they were only being so mean because they felt so bad about themselves right? NO. It’s not worth the personal tear down that they will put you through. I came to find out, after too long of trying to hold onto things with this person, how much of a liar and narc they were. I… Read more »
I have found when dealing with the narciccist in my life is to pay close attention to how I FEEL when engaging with him. I ALWAYS take care of myself – ie. say “no’ when I sense they’re leaning in to hard…it has brought furious emotional abuse in some cases …which IS hard to simply get past and not react and I have found that it works. I have found greater strength in myself and he is coming closer to awareness of his own stuff and taking responsibility for his stuff.
I have shouted at God that I don’t want this “test” – but have found strength in it – that surprised me.
All you “empaths” out there seem to forget you’re narcisists too. Just because your selfish needs involve the good of others and your significant other’s dont, that doesn’t make you less narcisistic. It does make you a better type of narcisist. I’d say show them it’s for their own benefit to be good to others. If the world is a better place, it will be a better place to everyone, including them.
There are those kinds of people who know exactly who they are. My younger sister is the prime examples. She herself gave me the clue through her WhatsApp status where she clearly wrote “narcissist :P”. When I searched for the meaning I did not pay attention much since it was just like a kind of self obsession but when I read the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder and read every minute detail about this, everything changed. I was so devastated and didn’t recover entirely yet. This is no longer than 6 months that I encountered its real meaning. Everything written over there was so fucking true!! Currently I live with my husband and over 2000 Km away from her but have to give regular visits to home once in a year. Will go there and I have no idea how I will handle this.
Thanks for the interesting article. I’ve read the comments, which have been equally enlightening. I think some of the important take always overall are that narcissists are complex, wounded people, like most of the world. They fall on a spectrum where some (mild) have capabilities that enable them to gain self awareness and healing, while others are so severely wounded that they are dangerous to their partners, children, co-workers, etc. There are layers to these wounds, and while some less wounded people are motivated to grow, others have no motivation or ability to do the lengthy healing work needed for sustained change. It varies, as does the amount of growth, which is why it’s important for us to develop deeper understanding of ourselves in order to understand others and our relationships. Those who are, or have been, in relationships with narcissists also typically have wounds that attract them to narcissists. In developing self awareness, self honesty, other honesty, self love and boundaries we heal and make different choices about how we interact with others. We also make different choices about who we share our hearts and lives with. Every circumstance is different, there is no such thing as black and… Read more »