What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive?
Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons being presented.
Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundly manipulating and messing up your perceptions and sensibilities.
Why is it that empaths and narcissists – two diametrically opposed types of people – feel an almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe that it is Life’s way of restoring balance.
For example, let’s examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring, compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, let’s examine your typical narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply uncaring, indifferent, self-centered and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in contact with their “inverted/reverse” selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result of such an experience (although this doesn’t always happen immediately, but through trial and error). However, it is important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in their lives – any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.
4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Should Look Out For
So many articles out there talk about “protecting” yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this language promotes the disempowering notion that “other people are out to get you.” They’re not. People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others. The more you perceive yourself as a “victim” of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable you’ll be of truly owning your personal power as an empath.
A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously you’ll be able to behave and make decisions in their presence.
Main Types
Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:
Vulnerable Narcissists (VN’s)
These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, VN’s overcompensate by putting on a grandiose mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VN’s have an unshakeable need to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VN’s are primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus don’t have the capacity to authentically love and care for others. Additionally, VN’s use emotional manipulation (such as shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.
Invulnerable Narcissists (IN’s)
These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person, cold and unempathetic person. IN’s, unlike VN’s, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power, glory, recognition, and pleasure. IN’s often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be far superior to everyone else – and they have a pathological need to make that known.
Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.
Subtypes
Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following (unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:
The Amorous Narcissist
Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are the ultimate relationship con artists, “gold diggers” and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their own needs and desires.
The Compensatory Narcissist
Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives, this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and manipulation is a common method of control used by this type.
The Elitist Narcissist
This breed of person does anything to climb to the “top,” win and completely dominate others. Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters, braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the “best” and prove themselves to be intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.
The Malignant Narcissist
The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths and those with antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs. immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in “outsmarting” others. This type of narcissist can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage to run afoul of the law.
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Now that you have read through the different “flavors” of narcissism you might be thinking, “what next?”
The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact with such people. I recommend reading our article on how to love yourself more for further direction.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to know more about narcissists and empaths, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
There are so many empaths out there currently struggling to catch a breath of air in the large murky ocean of narcissism saturating their lives. If you are one of these people, I hope that this article can be a starting place to help heal your life. You’re also invited to unload your experiences in the comments area (rants and emotional catharsis encouraged).
On the other hand, if you are an empath that has successfully learned to deal with narcissists, please take some time to share what you’ve discovered below. You never know … your comment could help to salvage another’s life.
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Well, this is going to be kind of odd. Most of the commenters on here are grown adults. I’m only 16. I received this site from my mother after going out tonight with a guy I’ve known for almost two years now. She’s a little worried about me. So is the rest of my family and the last few friends I have. I’ve lost a lot over this guy, not saying it was his fault, but I definitely wasn’t this messed up before I met him. I’ve really been through a lot in the past two years, not only with this guy. I’ve met a lot of shitty people and through trial and error I’ve learned that you can’t always let everyone into your life, no matter how horrible their sob story is. I’ve always loved helping people and I know I always will. But lately it’s been getting out of hand. I’ve had way too many life-suckers (that’s what my dad calls them) in my life. This one boy especially. He’s put me through a lot. We’ve both put each other through a lot. I know this sounds stupid but I’ve loved this boy since the first time we… Read more »
I am now 25, suffered by the hand of narcissistic parenting and family relationships. It took me 8 years of trauma from dating abusive evil lying men and studying narcissism to really look deep within myself and turn my life around. We are so blessed to have the technology we have today and be able to learn about these disorders. I say don’t hate your parents for their wrongdoings because after all, even the bible mentions that things like this can be generational. Meaning a narc parent raises kids into more narcs or empaths & codependents, doomed to suffer by the hand of more narcs and cause more emotional trauma. In this day and age I thank God for allowing me to heal and giving me tools to come to terms with my life and issues. If you are around my age I’m sure your parent didn’t know better when they raised you. Some people aren’t ready to be parents and probably have no business being parents but we all deserve a chance to live life even if it isn’t a perfect one. God promises to help and wipe our tears away one day, he promises hope beyond the curse… Read more »
I have a narcissist in my life. I adore him when he is seemingly the greatest guy on the planet but will tell everyone how humble he is. In my mind, I am thinking humble people don’t go around telling everyone how humble they are. He will not ever take responsibility for his actions unless it makes him look good in front of my daughter whom he adores. Or anyone who may be watching that counts. On a rare occasion, he will seemingly want to make up but he won’t say i am sorry, just initiate sex somehow. Now that i’ve read some more on behaviors it makes sense. It gratifies him too so It works still to his bennifit because I wont say no. I enjoy him. I see now that is something I will have to accept. Now on rare occasion he had actually said I am sorry but most of the time he will find a way to turn my hurt feelings around and make it seem as though I am manipulating him somehow and paint that picture to his mother. He’ll become petty, if he needs help he will purposely ask others in front of me… Read more »
I’m not sure about the validity of this article. From what I know about empaths, we are very skilled at reading people. I personally can spot a narcissist 10 miles away. I thought that was a characteristic of empaths, so why this article. Am I off base?
I love that you were brave enough to write this article. It is true that most people have this misbelief that to be an empath means you care more about others. Being an empath in the way most think of it in layman’s terms, is a description of psychic/spiritual ability. Most of us have or have had narcissistic traits at various levels in our adulthood. Narcissism is simply child ego formed viewpoints inside an adult body. Psychic abilities manifest as a separate process from ego formation. In short, I have found that psychic/empathic abilities only represent our overall soul level of maturity. Narcissism and all other diagnosis from a psychiatric viewpoint, are indicators of the state of our current consciousness. I was able to completely relate to your description of sensing others feelings, thoughts, beliefs but your reaction was to project, be angry or withdraw – I did all those things too as do all of us to varying degrees. I was extremely stuck as long as I held the ideological viewpoint that because I felt others feelings I had the same level of compassion. I had little compassion as a result of past life beliefs accumulated (karma) and current… Read more »
I would love some advice…it seems I am dealing with exactly this problem of being actually engaged to a narcissist who doesnt even minorly tolerate being told he might possibly be one. I don’t know what to do anymore, he seems to only hate me and seems to only be infuriated by my existance in his life. He says he loves me and we have a kid together so I want to make this work. Is it even possible? Or is this doomed to end?
My ex was self sacrifice dan martyrdom. She lack of attention. Prove and validation. She nurtured me so well. Does she an empath too?
I identified my self little bit self martyrdom. Narcissist.
I very much appreciate your work here. It is always refreshing to see different takes on the narcissist and empath connection. Being raised in a narcissistic environment while being highly empathic, I created a system of functioning on a lower wavelength to survive. What I am having trouble digesting in the above writing is where you speak of the malignant narcissist being found in prisons and drug rehabs. Being a person in recovery AND taking that recovery to women’s detention centers (where the majority is of those born and raised in lower socioeconomic environments), I feel that this view is uninformed and dangerous. From my experience, I can tell you that empaths line the walls of recovery rooms. The compensatory state of the traumatized empath ( and the general population- quite frankly) are various states of narcissistic behavior-being One-up. This is the nature of the ego, yes? I feel that it is incredibly dangerous and damaging to label humans as one or the other when trauma is present. It is also my experience that MOST humans have trauma, and certainly those in prisons and rehabs (all forms-not just drugs). Isnt narcissism, like any mental illness, on a continuum? Do you… Read more »
I’m having a heck of a time trying to figure something out. Or, someone , I should say. He is charming. He is successful, he is generous, he is frugal, he is well mannered, he works hard, he doesn’t go to bars, watch porn, or act like a pig. He is predictable, calculated, methodical, extremely analytical, he is in a leadership role within his job, hes a former navy seal, hes modest, hes pretty simple, he is an engineer, his appearance and his house and surroundings always tidy. He is always on schedule. He doesn’t ask people for help. He doesn’t show affection hardly ever. Hes a good listener. He never loses an argument. Hes not a screaming type of person, his speech is always though out and calm, calculated, he gets uncomfortable if he thinks hes being critisized. He is very knowledgeable and wise even. .. I thought he was my soul mate, I call him the 8th wonder of the universe. I thought he did love me ” beyond measure” as he said he did. But now, he is just severing me out of his life. Is he a narcissist? I read that narcissists are messy, indecisive, etc.… Read more »