What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive?
Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons being presented.
Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundly manipulating and messing up your perceptions and sensibilities.
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Why is it that empaths and narcissists – two diametrically opposed types of people – feel an almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe that it is Life’s way of restoring balance.
For example, let’s examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring, compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, let’s examine your typical narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply uncaring, indifferent, self-centered and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in contact with their “inverted/reverse” selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result of such an experience (although this doesn’t always happen immediately, but through trial and error). However, it is important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in their lives – any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.
4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Should Look Out For
So many articles out there talk about “protecting” yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this language promotes the disempowering notion that “other people are out to get you.” They’re not. People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others. The more you perceive yourself as a “victim” of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable you’ll be of truly owning your personal power as an empath.
A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously you’ll be able to behave and make decisions in their presence.
Main Types
Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:
Vulnerable Narcissists (VN’s)
These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, VN’s overcompensate by putting on a grandiose mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VN’s have an unshakeable need to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VN’s are primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus don’t have the capacity to authentically love and care for others. Additionally, VN’s use emotional manipulation (such as shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.
Invulnerable Narcissists (IN’s)
These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person, cold and unempathetic person. IN’s, unlike VN’s, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power, glory, recognition, and pleasure. IN’s often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be far superior to everyone else – and they have a pathological need to make that known.
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Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.
Subtypes
Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following (unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:
The Amorous Narcissist
Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are the ultimate relationship con artists, “gold diggers” and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their own needs and desires.
The Compensatory Narcissist
Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives, this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and manipulation is a common method of control used by this type.
The Elitist Narcissist
This breed of person does anything to climb to the “top,” win and completely dominate others. Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters, braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the “best” and prove themselves to be intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.
The Malignant Narcissist
The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths and those with antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs. immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in “outsmarting” others. This type of narcissist can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage to run afoul of the law.
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Now that you have read through the different “flavors” of narcissism you might be thinking, “what next?”
The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact with such people. I recommend reading our article on how to love yourself more for further direction.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to know more about narcissists and empaths, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
There are so many empaths out there currently struggling to catch a breath of air in the large murky ocean of narcissism saturating their lives. If you are one of these people, I hope that this article can be a starting place to help heal your life. You’re also invited to unload your experiences in the comments area (rants and emotional catharsis encouraged).
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On the other hand, if you are an empath that has successfully learned to deal with narcissists, please take some time to share what you’ve discovered below. You never know … your comment could help to salvage another’s life.
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I recently discovered that my best friend of over 25 years is in fact a narcissist. I spent my whole life trying to protect her and justifying her actions and behaviour. It wasn’t until I discovered that after I moved away, she had escalated to the point of projecting onto my family and friends. This was not a new occurrence, I found out this had been happening throughout our whole friendship. Enough was enough and I explained that I no longer wanted her to be a part of my life. She responded by telling me what an amazing and kind person she is. Basically sums it up. I thought it would be a devastating moment in my life and of course I mourned the loss of a life long friend. But I felt a huge weight lifted! And it was that moment I realised what a gold she had over me and how much of her I carried. Breaking this bond has not only freed me but my loved ones. I feel sadness for her but I cannot fix her. It took me 25 years to realise this. Thank you for your blog! It is a real eye opener and… Read more »
Narcissist use psychic attack methods unknowingly, some knowingly. Whatever the case maybe these kinds of people are energetic vampires. The power of thought vibrational energy is a very powerful thing. We all have this power, some stronger than others. Think of the mind as a muscle. The more you exercise that muscle the stronger it gets. In thus you can manipulate matter to you see fit. Either you can use your thoughts for light or dark. Whichever path you choose to take… one will make you a narcissist, or one will make you an empath. Choose your destiny wisely. It can make you or break you. Everything comes at a cost.
Synchronicities lead me this direction here.
Thanx fellow Lone Wolf.
I am an empath, and I’ve been in many narcissistic relationships, i attract them, just as much as they attract me i suppose, once you realise what these people are, it makes it easy to spot, but you still some how get trapped in relationships with them, because obviously they don’t show their real face straight away. The boundaries you set should be to leave and get away from them, as far as possible . I’ve learnt The Compensatory Narcissist is probably the most likely to never leave you alone once you get them out your life, the rest just look for other victims because it’s not as damaging as it for the
The Compensatory Narcissist. The red flags will always be there from the begining , which you will especially notice being an empath, don’t ignore your gut and convince yourself that you’re being paranoid about a person, then leave, if you do this you can avoid longer traumer for yourself
I just spent too much time with a narcissist. We were friends for 25 yrs. and I let my guard down and let him sweet talk me. Recently he rejected me when someone called him out on his treatment and I let it go… and now he’s threatening me! I did not talk to him, call him or text. A week later he’s telling me to stop talking about him (yes I did but only because I was confused and sad) and threatening me to leave him alone or he’ll call the cops!!! WTF, I have not contacted him at all! Is that part of the game?
narcissists come in every relationship that you have in life. Lovers, friends, business associates and family. Some are harder to omit from your life . But you must omit when you can and distance yourself when you can’t. Recognizing who they are is the first step. The second is setting clear boundaries with each.
I just came out of a 5.5 year relationship with a narcissist. I wish I had wised up sooner, but I can warn others. I am very empathic and very sensitive and he used those qualities to guilt me into staying. I am finally learning about setting healthy boundaries and loving myself properly. Thank you for this article. My hope is that is saves someone from the hell I just came out of.
A year ago I left my relationship of 13 years. 10 years ago I figured out he has narcissistic traits and Peter Pan syndrome, refused to grow up and take any responsibility for himself. I ignored the information and stayed in the relationship. This man could not get a job and blamed others. He is very charming and incredibly intelligent and wrote 2 psychology books but basically poverty level and used credit card for any extras and then bankruptcy. I kept telling him if he did not fix his financial situation that I was retiring and leaving the city where I lived for 30 years (Vancouver). He did not change so I left but we remained friends and continued to talk almost every day and email. Then he asked if he could move up with me and I said no again. Not too long after he said he has a new woman in his life. At this point I broke off the friendship and felt my energy was still being drained by him (I am also an empath and HSP). Now I just feel incredibly sad and feel like I’ve lost my best friend. Why am I feeling like this… Read more »
I love this article. I came here today because after completing my therapy, I started realising that a lot of people in my life had narcissistic tendencies. It surprised me because I felt like I was easily attracting these people without really doing anything. My therapist on our last session told me that the reason it seemed that way is because I was now aware and mindful about these things that have affected me. It’s scary being mindful but it has been really helpful. I learned how to be assertive and have boundaries during therapy so now when my awareness catches iffy behaviour and I am able to put a stop to it. Self love and acceptance is important because it helps give strength when exercising your boundaries. People like narcissists will push your boundaries, so that strength is really needed. I am slowly learning how to be my hero and it will take time but I think I am happy that I started on this path of living my life to the fullest in happiness. Plus now I can sort the wheat from the chaff. :)
So I have been working on myself thinking that everything actually wrong with me. The essentials the parts of me that make me… Me.. are the problem here I have been going through an insane amount of changes trying to make myself better including self diagnosing.. I know I’m an empath but I’ve started seeing traits of narcissism.. is this all me? Is it in my head should I be trying to change myself to please everyone around me.. I am so confused really confused I’m not entirely even sure that the people I am around are narcissistic or have the tendencies.. like I said it could be just in my head. But I feel exhausted I feel like I am constantly trying to better myself while others are staying the same. I feel like I’ve been gaslit in ways but like I said I could be being overly dramatic.. I don’t know maybe someone feels like this I know I’m not the only one
I’d like to get some input from you guys, love this site by the way. You are amazing. I had a relationship that lasted about 6 weeks. We met on a dating app and hit it off really quickly. I haven’t dated for sometime (like 13 years) since high school. A lot of reasons lead to this, I was sexually assaulted when I was 16 and it created a huge fear of relationships and so I just avoided dating. Also due to the assault, I gained a significant amount of weight over the years which I recently lost, hence the reason for getting into the dating scene again. So when this guy waltzed into my life it was amazing to feel wanted and beautiful, I hadn’t felt that in years. Now that I look back I see the tendencies of love bombing, belittling, gas lighting, etc. However, my problem is he might be somewhat of a narcissist but not 100%. We were never in a committed relationship but he told me he loved me the second week of talking, he said he wanted to marry me the first week. (I know super fast but we were talking 24/7) He bought… Read more »