Whether done by yourself or with a partner, sex is one of the greatest pleasures and joys of life.
Did you know that of all search terms worldwide, the topic of sex shows up not once but twice in the top ten list of most searched for Google terms?
Sex has been feared, desired, spoken about, written about, and creatively depicted endlessly throughout the millennia. I bet within the past 24 hours you’ve probably heard, seen, or read something about sex. Am I right?
But this article is not about sex. It’s about sensuality.
To put it bluntly, many of us have no freakin’ clue about how to be sensual. And unfortunately, that means we cannot enjoy sex to the fullest and feel truly at home in our bodies.
What is Sensuality?
Sensuality can be defined as the ability to fully enjoy our senses: touch, smell, taste, sight, and hearing. But don’t equate sensuality with sexuality. Sensuality can sometimes be sexual, but it doesn’t have to be. Anything that makes you feel physically good can be sensual. Examples include pleasant sounds, delicious food, massage, having a bath, hugging, eating peanut butter, and watching a sunset.
Do You Lack Sexual Confidence? This Might Be Why …
Sexual confidence can be evasive, confusing, and shaming to those of us who don’t “have” it.
The vast majority of characters and figures in the TV programs, movies, reality shows, and books we consume appear to be sexually confident and assertive. So why the hell can’t we be?
Firstly, I want to point out that sexual confidence doesn’t have to look like what we read and watch. It’s perfectly okay to have a completely different definition of sexual confidence to the established norm. Why? Ultimately sexual confidence is personal. Don’t feel the need to fit yourself into a box or tight little definition just because it’s socially acceptable. One reason why you may lack sexual confidence is that you are measuring yourself with a yardstick that just doesn’t fit you. Sometimes simply redefining what sexual confidence means to you strips away all the unnecessary baggage and leaves you feeling empowered. As the (valuable) cliche goes, “you do you.” No one can decide what sexual confidence means to you but you.
Other than lugging around a disempowering definition of sexual confidence, the next possible reason why you may feel uncomfortable is having an issue with your body. This is a common concern, and while I don’t have severe weight issues or body dysmorphia, I do know what it’s like to feel insecure about my body during sex. I would go so far in saying that most people feel insecure at some point about their physical appearance and this can have a significant impact on sexual confidence.
Closely connected to body insecurity is not knowing how to be in the body. So many of us are raised in sexually repressive cultures which teach us that sensuality and the enjoyment of sex are dirty, shameful, sinful, or morally corrupt. This conditioning has led to a society of people who are living in their heads and completely disconnected from their bodies.
As a person who was raised in an environment that perceived sex negatively, I learned to escape into the mind. Thanks to sensuality, I’ve been able to reconnect with my body and feel more empowered again.
I’ll explain why.
Why Learning to Be Sensual Increases Your Sexual Confidence
When done mindfully, sensuality can be a tremendously healing and empowering practice.
Why?
Being sensual grounds you in your body. When you’re consciously exploring what feels good you are learning your body’s language – you’re also giving your body a voice. Instead of seeing your body as an inconvenient meatsuit that you have to drag around, you start valuing it as a vessel of power and pleasure deeply capable of experiencing life.
Sensuality reminds us what it’s like to completely live life in the present moment. To be sensual is to be fully human. To be sensual is to honor life itself. There is a reason why you have the capacity to experience pleasure, so make the most of it!
Of course, there is a difference between only living for pleasure (also called hedonism) and mindfully choosing to enjoy pleasure. In this article, I’m advocating mindful sensuality. Yes, it is possible to misuse sensuality – but not if you have a clear intention and make self-care your priority.
When we learn what feels good on a sensual level, we become more embodied as human beings and therefore more capable of being sexually confident. Sensuality helps us to get out of our heads and into our bodies – and it’s much easier to be confident about what you can actively experience!
So if you struggle with a sexual insecurity or shyness, get into your body! My recommendation is that you learn how to enjoy all of your five senses and embrace sensuality as a regular (and intentional) part of your life.
50+ Sumptuous Ways to Experience Sensuality
If you would like to become a more embodied human being who is capable of fully owning your sexuality, try creating a daily sensuality practice. Choose one of your senses (taste, touch, sight, smell or hearing) and explore what brings you pleasure.
Here are some helpful ideas. Do note that while some of these ideas might sound silly or commonplace, they are shared in the context of mindfully and intentionally experiencing them.
Touch
1. Give yourself a massage with your hands or a tennis ball. (You can sit against a wall and roll the tennis ball up and down your back.)
2. Get a professional massage and experiment with the different options. For example, you might choose to get a Thai foot massage one week, and then a hot stone back massage on another occasion.
3. Buy some silky body lotion or body butter and apply to your body at night. Focus on the sensation of the liquid against your skin.
4. Go outside and roll around on the grass.
5. Sit in the sun and feel the warmth on your face.
6. Experiment with self-pleasure. You don’t necessarily need to build up to an orgasm – you can simply explore what feels nice in different areas of your body.
7. Try stretching different areas of your body and notice which parts experience the most relief.
8. Get your partner or a family member to brush your hair.
9. Cuddle with a pet or loved one in the park or on the couch.
10. Get some putty to play around with from the local $1 store
11. Jump on a trampoline or swing on some swings.
12. Sleep naked in your bed.
13. Wear extra soft, silky clothes (or underwear).
14. Get your partner to softly touch different areas of your body. Notice which areas increase your pulse.
15. Focus on the movement of your stomach as you breathe.
Smell
16. Go to a candle store and pick out your favorite scented candles.
17. Have a hot bath and add herbs and essential oils to the water.
18. Visit a perfume store and sample all the different smells.
19. Apply some essential oils into a diffuser while you work (or before going to bed).
20. Go for a walk outside and notice all the smells that come your way.
21. Create your own scent blends by mixing essential oils.
22. Notice how your partner or parental figure smells (I’m talking natural, clean smell here!).
Taste
23. Focus very carefully on everything you eat. What textures are the most noticeable?
24. Make a dish you’ve never tried before. Periodically taste it as you cook it to get the flavor just right.
25. Bake a delicious dessert for yourself. Then, sit down and enjoy every bite when it’s finished.
26. Go to a restaurant that serves foreign food that you haven’t tried before.
27. Visit your local grocery store and buy something you’ve never tasted before. How does it taste?
28. Chew sugar-free gum after meals – how does it feel?
29. Eat something in total darkness. In what ways is the flavor amplified?
30. Try oil pulling every morning (oil pulling is the ancient practice of using oil to increase oral hygiene). Focus on the feeling of swishing oil around in your mouth.
31. Find something you really enjoy eating and eat it super slowly.
32. Experiment with eating your food in different ways, e.g. try using your hands (Indian style) or learn to use chopsticks (Chinese style).
33. Get your friend or partner to feed you. Does the experience of eating change?
Sight
34. Watch a beautiful sunrise or sunset.
35. Get a lava lamp and watch the colorful bubbles.
36. Create a piece of art with glitter.
37. Visit a church or cathedral and admire the stained glass.
38. Light a candle or fireplace and watch the wick/wood burn.
39. Sit outside in nature and watch the wind blow through the trees.
40. Watch your children or pets play.
41. Light some incense and watch the smoke curl.
Hearing
42. Sit in a quiet spot and listen to all the sounds around you.
43. Watch a movie and listen to the actor’s voices. Which voices do you like listening to the most?
44. Repeat a mantra out loud for ten minutes. What impacts can you notice on your mind and body?
45. Find music from a different culture, e.g. Irish, Spanish, German, Indian. How do you feel when you listen to it?
46. Hum or whistle to yourself.
47. Play a favorite song and sing out loud.
48. Put on classical music while you work or read.
49. Listen to a guided meditation.
50. Explore the quirky world of ASMR.
51. Try floating in a sensory deprivation tank (search “float tank” on google) and enjoy the sound of silence.
52. Use an app like Noisli to immerse yourself in an environment of nature sounds.
53. Practice howling with your dog or canine friend.
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54. Copy the bird calls outside and see whether the birds respond to you.
***
I realize that some of these suggestions will either be too out of your comfort zone or seem completely weird and unreasonable – and that’s okay. Take what you need, and leave the rest. :)
Sensuality is a practice we can introduce into nearly any moment of the day. By becoming more embodied, we become more capable of experiencing sexual confidence. You might also wish to journal about how your sensuality practice slowly influences your sex life.
I’d love if you could add some ideas to this article. What are your favorite ways of being sensual? Please share below!
There was a GQ interview on YouTube with Machine Gun Kelly that got the sensuality ball rolling
I love to smell nice and take care of myself… I am kinda a clean freak but I love everything smelling great… It makes me feel really good
I love to listen to ASMR videos, I can get all tingly along my spine.
Also stroking something soft or sleep with something soft to hold. Wearing loose clothing that is soft on my body. Or just looking at my cats playing or sleeping. I also smell at flowers when walking in the park. It feels really good to use your senses :)
Thank you very much for such an article! And for this site, there is so much useful information for us, for awakened old souls!
I’m very young Old Soul, awakened in 2016 (physical age – 17 years old) after a very strong depression and existential crisis. I walked the short but intense way on my journey for self-discovery. I discovered that I’m INFJ/P (equally INFJ and INFP); that being male INFJ/P can be hard, weird, but ultimately rewarding; that I need to set strong boundaries and love myself, care about myself because the more I love and care about myself, the more I love world, people and every soul in this wonderful world of ours. I realized that the phrase “ancient soul in a young body” so deeply resonates with me, and searched about old souls. And immediately found this amazing and lovely site!
Now I’m learning to love and care about myself more and wanted to tell something about that article.
You see… I’m aromantic asexual. When my peers started to explore a thing called “sex”, I felt so alienated and confused (add that to being very sensitive, empathetic, fragile, shy and intelligent Old Soul, who was loved by teachers and absolutely hated by almost every student in my group – they hurt, harassed and mocked me). I just couldn’t understand: “Why suddenly everyone around me become so… crazy? What is this “sex’ thing my peers are so obsessed? What is wrong with me?”
As an asexual, I completely agree with Jan Sikes. I never experienced sexuality in any way, and probably never ever will, but quite recently I’m unconsciously started to improve my sensuality these ways:
.
4. Go outside and roll around on the grass.
5. Sit in the sun and feel the warmth on your face.
6. Experiment with self-pleasure. You don’t necessarily need to build up to an orgasm – you can simply explore what feels nice in different areas of your body.
12. Sleep naked in your bed.
20. Go for a walk outside and notice all the smells that come your way.
23. Focus very carefully on everything you eat. What textures are the most noticeable
27. Visit your local grocery store and buy something you’ve never tasted before. How does it taste?
31. Find something you really enjoy eating and eat it super slowly.
34. Watch a beautiful sunrise or sunset.
38. Light a candle or fireplace and watch the wick/wood burn.
39. Sit outside in nature and watch the wind blow through the trees.
40. Watch your pets play.
42. Sit in a quiet spot and listen to all the sounds around you.
46. Hum or whistle to yourself.
47. Play a favorite song and sing out loud.
48. Put on classical music while you work or read.
– and I absolutely loved to do these things! Everyone should increase sensuality in every possible way since it is an important part of self-love, self-care, and makes our lives more pleasurable, joyful and bright.
What a beautiful piece on sensuality. Raised in the Western culture, we are not taught self-pleasure. In fact, quite the opposite. It is looked down on as wrong or sinful to indulge in the simple pleasures you’ve listed here. Thank goodness for maturity and awakening! Our bodies do not have to be perfect, as we are programmed to believe. Our soul is what makes the distinction between sensuality and sexuality. Slow deliberate bathing utilizing essential oils, candles and/or incense is a great source of self-pleasure for me and it is not sexual in any way. It is deeply soothing and satisfying. Thank you for this enlightening article.
Thank you so much Jan for taking the time to share your thoughts and creature further reassurance for others in knowing that it’s perfectly okay and they aren’t alone in wanting to show themselves more love and appreciation :).
This is a beautiful reminder of the difference between sensual & sexual. I’ve consciously reconnected with being more sensual as a way of accepting & welcoming my body after years of ‘ignoring’ it due to disfigurement after surgery (struggling with self image isn’t always about weight). Embracing & noticing sensuality is a beautiful way to heal the loss of how one used to be & deepen the love how one is now.
That’s truly a beautiful way of expressing your experience with this, and you’re entirely right that self-image can be much more than just weight problems. Thank you for sharing it Karen.
As a massage therapist, I often educate others on the difference between sensual and sexual. It is easy to confuse in this modern era where “sex sells”. I truly appreciate this article and love every word. It helped me understand the difference even more deeply and gave me many options to share with my clients to help them explore this important and often overlooked part of the human experience ❤
I’m so happy to hear that Heidi :). You’re right, it’s a very important distinction I find especially for males like myself as my socialization taught me sexuality is the only real form of sensuality that is acceptable to cultivate in your life.
It was from reading some articles in here that I learned, sensual and sexual are two different things. I guess one of my favourite way of being sensual is bathing: I’d choose a soap with citrus scent, ‘coz it’s my favourite. But sometimes when I couldn’t get it, I’m fine with other soap too. It could be good to smell the different scents of soap on my body sometimes. And other than that, it’s also a good way to practice some touch. After all, it’s just normal to touch yourself while you’re bathing ;) And I’d try to enjoy the touch and the smell altogether.
Lastly, as usual, thank you for the article! :D
That sounds pretty sensual :), scents and body immersion are definitely a wonderful combination. Add a few candles for visual ambiance and you have a sensual Oasis!
This is a perfect article, it’s how I live every day of my life, the most effective source for grounding internally and aid in finding balance when I get too lost in my own pain. Thank you for sharing these tools, they are invaluable and should be spread.
Great article and topic! Just reading this reassured me that I am already sensual in some many ways that I didn’t even realize! And it’s OK to just enjoy simple things in life – doesn’t need to be over the top all the time!
Thank you.
That’s good to hear Cathy. I find that often with our online work it’s easy to get stuck in my head so bringing more sensuality into my daily habits has had a huge benefit; especially enjoying the simple things when our minds crave for complexity :). Thank you for sharing.
I really enjoy this article, and to be honest and not arrogant, I think that my attraction to woman in general come from radiating a kind of sensuality around myself from now and also from past aristocratic life experience during the renaissance.
OtreboR is my soul name
Dear Mateo Sol,
I liked the article very much. Thank you. Nature herself is a great healer. I experience great happiness from watching a seedling growing or a full moon during a clear sky or a sunrise or a cool rain after a dry season or a rainbow after a rain or a waterfall. Some Indian birds have very mind enchanting songs, such as Indian magpie robin, Orange-headed ground thrush, White-rumped Shama and many more. I experience great pleasure while eating ice cream slowly. The smell of a kind of plastic mug that brings back my childhood memories is another kind of pleasure. I will feel sleepy if someone passes her fingers through my hair.
Roopa
Dear Roopa,
All those sound like terrific ways to incorporate sensuality into your day. You’re fortunate enough to live in India, I spent part of my childhood there and I still remember it as the most sensual place I’ve visited.
Not only the good senses like the flowers on alters, chanting, or incense burning, but the unpleasant smells as well like gutters, bus horns and cow dung all created this sensory wave that intoxicated me on arrival.
Warm hugs,
Mateo
Thank you, Mateo. You have a very deep understanding of human psychology and spirituality. I am very happy to hear that you were in India in your childhood.
With love, Roopa