Fakeness. We all know what it looks like. We all know what it feels like.
Itโs the fake plastered-on smiles. Itโs the pretentious laughs and giggles. Itโs the sickly sweet or overly macho personality fronts. Itโs the posing and like-whoring on social media. Itโs the pouting lips in photos and feigned expressions of surprise. Itโs the prancing about and showing people an image of your life that isnโt completely true, just to gain validation or envy. Iโm sure you can think of half a million other examples as well.
And hereโs the thing: none of us are innocent. Weโve all been guilty of pretending to be people weโre not in the past. Whether out of fear, lack of self-awareness or the desire to be accepted, putting on a mask is sometimes our only choice. In fact, some situations in life (like working for a horrible boss) require us to adopt a certain persona. And thatโs OK โ as long as weโre aware of what weโre doing.
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The danger comes when we have worn a mask for so long that we forget whatโs underneath. And we forget who we are. This somewhat horror-like movie scenario happens all the time. Having self-induced amnesia is a terrible way to live life. Iโm sure itโs happened to you at some point.
If youโre sick of being someone youโre not; if youโre tired of letting others dictate who you โshouldโ be, now is the time to find your true self and OWN it.
What is the True Self?
Also called your authentic self, real self, or original self, your true self is the most honest aspect of who you are. In other words, your true self is the most authentic version of you โ all masks, affectations, and pretensions aside. Your true self is you when youโre at your most open, vulnerable, and carefree. Think about the times youโve spent with those youโre 100% comfortable with or the times when youโve been completely alone. These circumstances often reveal your true self.
Please note here that I am writing true self with a small โsโ and not a large โSโ. I want to make a clear distinction here. When I write about your true self, I am writing about the most authentic expression of your character and personality. I am not referring to your big Self (big โSโ) also known as your Soul or Higher Self.
What Authenticity IS NOT
Many people are quite confused when it comes to the common expression โbe your authentic self.โ
How often have you felt that you need to go in search of your authentic self or try to BECOME something other than what you are? How often have you heard people say (or God forbid, teach) that being authentic is about loudly expressing your opinions 100% of the time without filters? Or that you should be completely unapologetic in all that you do? Or that thereโs a certain formula you have to follow?
Or what about the typical image of how being your โtrue selfโ is presented, aka. as an in-your-face type of person who enjoys using explicit language like a relish. Or alternatively, a strange and eclectic (but nevertheless trendy) rebel.
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Also, authenticity is not about demonizing or slamming anything or anyone that appears to be inauthentic, phony or insincere โ because that is just an immature reaction.
So what really is authenticity?
What Actually Is Authenticity?
Authenticity is not trying to BECOME something, it is about embracing yourself exactly as you are in the present moment. There is no need to chase any ideal ‘authentic’ self here. Thereโs no need to try and become โmoreโ genuine or โmoreโ real. Why? Because chasing authenticity only creates more suffering.
Being your true self is about being exactly who you are, whatever the heck that looks like. Itโs about understanding and accepting the fact that being flawed is perfectly fine. Itโs about embracing all the ugliness, weirdness, and โdefectsโ inherent in your nature. Itโs about working with your strengths and making peace with your weaknesses, and not trying to be anyone else.
Of course, it is impossible to be outwardly authentic 100% of the time. Do you really think your boss would appreciate you dragging your ass to work in pyjamas with crust in your eyes? Or what about your mother in law? Do you really think it would be beneficial to tell her that she has the voice of a dying crow and to please piss off? Of course not. We have to draw a line somewhere.
Life is a dance of duality: light/dark, pleasant/unpleasant, work/play, think/feel, truth/lies. Some situations require us to wear a mask. But that doesnโt mean that we have to get lost in the act. We can still be in touch with our authentic true self, even when we are putting on a show.
How to Be Your True Self
Iโll repeat again: embracing and owning your true self isnโt about becoming anything. It is about looking at yourself in the present moment and accepting all of your beauty and ugly awkwardness combined. Without a radical acceptance of all that you are, there can be no experience of authenticity โ the two go hand-in-hand.
Question: Is it possible to still be in touch with your true self, even when youโre putting on a role?
Yes, it is.
But only if the role you put on is conscious and not unconscious. Hereโs an example: your job requires, and is dependent on, you dealing with the public. You can consciously put on a friendly, extroverted, and charming mask while still being in touch with your authentic feelings, values, and needs. It is only when you lose touch with your authentic feelings, values, and needs and let others dictate them for you, that youโre being inauthentic.
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There is no black or white here. You simply cannot be 100% authentic all the time on the outside. Good luck functioning in society! Those who insist that you must always behave in a certain way (in this case โauthenticallyโ) do not understand the nature of life. Life is fluid and contextual. Behaving one way in a situation will not always be beneficial for you in other situations.
Thankfully, you can strive to keep in touch with the inner truth of who you are no matter the external situation. Some approaches you might like to take include the following:
- Develop self-awareness, i.e. who are you, what do you like, what do you dislike, what do you value, how do you feel, what feels the most natural to you?
- Come clean to yourself and own up to who you actually are โ all ugly, weird, โshameful,โ and uncomfortable parts included
- Stop pretending or imitating other people without being first aware of what youโre doing
- Accept your imperfection and forget about trying to be any one way
- Allow emotions and feelings to emerge and embrace your vulnerability โ this will help you to feel more comfortable in your skin
- Accept (that doesn’t mean act out) inauthenticity and realize that itโs a normal part of being human, but strive to be conscious of it
- Explore the ways you still may be enmeshed with your parents. Developing a strong and clear sense of self is a prerequisite for developing authenticity.
- Donโt depend on others for validation or self-worth โ which is easier said than done! But realize that you will never be โgood enoughโ for everyone, so stop trying to be and refocus that energy on accepting all that you are
- Even though being your true self is not possible in every situation (e.g. around your boss), know when to walk away from situations that demand you to be someone else. There is a difference between consciously wearing a mask because your bread and butter is at stake, and wearing it just out of social habit or convention
- Let go of fake and insincere friendships or relationships that donโt support you expressing your true self โ theyโre just not worth it
- Keep a journal which will allow you to become self-aware and understanding of your own thoughts, feelings, dreams, and values
- Say what you mean โ as much as possible, be direct and straightforward
- Be vulnerable with yourself โ admit when youโre feeling scared, lonely, ugly, or ashamed; this will help you to be vulnerable with other people
The truth is that most people can sense when another person is being fake, cheesy, phony, pretentious, or disingenuous. By being your true self, you will inspire others to be true to themselves as well. Youโll also make people feel more comfortable around you, which is, of course, secondary to your own experience of being more free and comfortable with simply being you! Finally, youโll also be able to connect much more deeply with people and form more satisfying relationships.
I hope that these suggestions help. Remember that being your true self is a present moment practice. Itโs not about pursuing some ideal self in the future. Itโs about tuning into exactly who you are and how you feel in the moment and embracing all of it.
Whatโs your experience with authenticity and being your true self? Do you struggle around certain types of people? What advice can you share with others in your situation? Please share below.
If you need more support and advice surrounding this topic, check out these articles:
- 9 Exhilarating Ways to Be True to Yourself (Even When Youโre Scared)
- Are You Feeling Trapped? Here Are 5 Notorious Reasons Why
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Honestly as a young female in my early twenties, it was hard to be myself with conservative older people. Their minds are narrow, are disgusted by anything “eccentric”. One former boss thought I was “satanic” because she saw my band t-shirt of a rock band. It’s ridiculous. She had told me multiple of times to wear makeup or criticized my looks. I was sick of it and stopped working for her. I like being odd, spooky myself and won’t change it for anyone.
I do pity the teenagers. They have to deal these types of problems.
Personally my whole life has been a journey in and out of my authentic self. I have always had a clear sense that I am not like anybody else and took pride in my individuality, I had very strong core beliefs ie. My body is a temple, never do anything you dont want to do for someone elses benefit, then life got messy and that was gradually eroded away, my girlfriend from age 7 to 11 broke up with me, my best friend died of cancer age 9 I was 10, I was being sexually taken advantage of by an older boy around the same period, after all this I was left numb, sad, confused, lost, shameful guilty the list goes on.. I began using drugs and putting the mask on pretending everything was fine slapping on a smile and sweep it under the rug. Then age 17 I met someone who could see my struggles and brought out my true self again we could be 100% vulnerable and open but his own mask then took over when we got too close and he broke my trust and my heart completely so I was back in that awful place again.. now I’m almost 30 and I’ve awakened to how all these things have shaped my entire life and all I want to do is RIP the mask off and be free again๐ทโค
It is so difficult trying to be or look like something you are not. The false mask is very heavy yet I have continued to carry it about just in case I am confronted with some challenge about who I am. The mask is at the ready to put in place and project the person I want you to see and know.
Hello Mateo Sol, Eugene here. For me, there is no such person/being as “my true self”. There is only me, myself, or sometimes called ‘I’. If there was some other ‘self’, he would be by necessity, not me. A false self cannot be me. I can’t be any other self than the one self that I am. The whole idea of some self being a true self and a false self at the same time is nonsensical. It is nonsense to tell some self/someone to “just be your true self”. This is more than semantics. It borders on believing that I could be more than one self. What if I am three false selves and hidden down deep somewhere in ‘me’ there lies hidden the real me and I have to find “the real me” and somehow rid myself (the real me) of all these “false mes”. This line of thinking was developed by those who seem to enjoy taking simple ideas and making them difficult. I think they are educated beyond their intelligence level. We human beings are a single self. We are a very complex single self. We often believe things that do not fit with other things we believe. Our actions/behaviors are guided and powered by these complex and contradictory beliefs. Often we are unaware of these things and we become confused, afraid, unsure, and certain that something is wrong. The solution is not to think that somehow I am not my ‘true self’ but to think that somehow I, the real me, has beliefs that are false. I am truly who I am, It is impossible for me to be anyone else. It is some of my beliefs that are false and need to be replaced with beliefs that are true. Those of you who wrongly believe that you are not your true self, stop believing that false teaching and examine your other beliefs and make sure they are true/correct and you will solve many problems in your life.
Hi Eugene, this is definitely one way of seeing the true self, that there is only one self. In my perspective, there is the ego/persona or mask we present to the world (“false self” as referred to by various philosophies/paths) and the True Self which goes beyond the limited personality which is in essence, a construct of the mind. But I realize that is getting into spiritual territory. On a purely human level, in my experience, we are one self that is composed of many selves, some of those selves ruled by false beliefs and this creates a “false self.” The solution to that I share:
“… embracing and owning your true self isnโt about becoming anything. It is about looking at yourself in the present moment and accepting all of your beauty and ugly awkwardness combined. Without a radical acceptance of all that you are, there can be no experience of authenticity โ the two go hand-in-hand.”
These are my two cents anyway, if it doesn’t resonate with you, you’re free to focus on something that does make sense to you. I ain’t trying to convert anyone. ;)