Why do I refuse help from others? Why do I keep intentionally hurting myself? Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again?
How often have you asked yourself any of these questions?
Self-destructive behavior can be a daunting topic. It’s like a gremlin that lurks in the dark corners of existence, hiding in places we train ourselves to overlook and intentionally avoid.
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But the more we put off facing our self-destructive behavior, the more it consumes us.
Are you ready to face the self-destructive parts of you? Remember that toxic behavior comes from only one part of you – it doesn’t define the whole of you.
(If you need more help after reading this article, I highly recommend checking out our Self-Love Journal and Shadow Work Journal to go deeper and help heal self-destructive tendencies.)
Table of contents
- What is Self-Destructive Behavior?
- Why Are We Self-Destructive? (+ My Experience)
- 17 Symptoms and Habits of Self-Destructive Behavior
- You’re Not Broken (You’re Just Human)
- Self-Destructive Behavior and the Journey of Self-Love
- How to Stop Being Self-Destructive (6 Pathways)
- Self-Destructive Tendencies Q&A
What is Self-Destructive Behavior?
Self-destructive behavior is any action carried out by an individual that causes them direct or indirect harm. This self-inflicted harm may be experienced on a physical, mental, or emotional level and creates immense suffering throughout their life. Examples of self-destructive behavior include workaholism, substance abuse, eating disorders, self-martyrdom, self-harm, and any behavior that negatively impacts a person’s life for which they aren’t actively trying to change or don’t feel worthy of overcoming.
Why Are We Self-Destructive? (+ My Experience)
I’m not the first, and I certainly won’t be the last person to admit that I’ve had self-destructive tendencies.
From pushing away the people I love and housing self-defeating mindsets to repeatedly self-harming in my teenage years, I’ve been down this dark alley more than once.
As I’ve grown, however, I’ve realized that self-destructive behaviors are an expression of the Shadow Self (aka., our ‘dark side’), which causes issues such as low self-esteem, low self-worth, and eventually self-loathing.
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While psychologists speculate that self-sabotaging behaviors could be coping mechanisms (i.e., to deal with stress, pressure, social demands, etc.), others consider self-destructive behavior as a way of maintaining comfort zones due to lack of confidence or feelings of unworthiness (e.g., staying at the familiar bottom of the social ladder).
17 Symptoms and Habits of Self-Destructive Behavior
Self-destructive behavior comes in many guises – some extreme, some more subtle.
Here are some of the most common symptoms and habits of self-destructive behavior:
1. Self-defeating mindsets
Self-defeating mindsets are typically unconscious forms of self-destructive behavior that result in self-fulfilling prophecies. Examples include harboring thoughts, usually on a subconscious level, such as, “I’m going to fail; I just know it,” “I’ll never get out alive,” “This will completely destroy me,” etc.
2. Failing to take action
Failing to take action may be passive, but it’s still self-destructive. When we know something is bad for us but fail to take any action or steps to remedy the issue, we are essentially setting ourselves up for (and guaranteeing) failure.
3. Over-eating
Over-eating usually appears as the habit of cramming ourselves full of sugary, fatty, and processed foods. This unhealthy habit can result in many long-term health issues (not to mention the short-term negative impacts on mood, sleep, creativity, etc.).
4. Under-eating
Many under-eaters fool themselves into thinking they’re benefiting themselves. The reality is that under-eating is usually a band-aid for serious self-image problems and other psychological issues.
5. Forced incompetence or over-committal
Forced incompetence means portraying yourself as unintelligent or incapable of successfully achieving something. This habit usually stems from a lack of confidence in your abilities and can function as a coping mechanism (e.g., to deal with academic pressure).
The opposite of forced incompetence is over-committal, where we commit to too many responsibilities, become “super capable,” and turn into workaholics, even though it burns us out and begins to feel soul-sucking very quickly.
6. Going out of your way to harm others
What goes around comes around, as they say, and the negative influence you have on others, whether by words or deeds, will eventually manifest in your own life (e.g., through sicknesses, tragedy, legal issues, isolation, etc.). On some level, we all know this truth, yet sometimes we go ahead and hurt others anyway.
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7. Physical self-harm
Physical self-harm is an extreme physical expression of self-destructive behavior. This practice is connected to low self-worth and the desire to cope with emotional pain in a physical way. Examples of physical self-harm include cutting, burning, and hitting oneself (or inciting others to do this to us, such as by intentionally provoking a fight). In extreme cases, physical self-harm can manifest as suicide attempts. (Please seek help from one of these hotlines if you do feel suicidal. There is always compassionate help available.)
8. Self-pity
Self-pity is an unconscious form of self-destructive behavior. It is destructive because it encourages us to remain inactive (i.e., wallowing in our misfortunes) rather than encouraging a proactive approach toward life.
9. Drug and alcohol abuse
Many people transform their anger into self-destructiveness—drinking their lives away or becoming oblivious in drugs or working too much. They make take it out on their children, employees, or animals. They may be passive-aggressive in a number of ways— being silent, uninvolved, offering insincere love and friendship, being available for people but making them suffer for it.
– Thomas Moore
A self-evident form of self-destructive behavior, drug and alcohol abuse creates endless misery in the lives of addicts and their friends and family members. Drug and alcohol abuse are usually connected to soul loss – or being disconnected from your soul.
10. Social self-alienation
While not always done consciously, social self-alienation is the act of deliberately isolating yourself from your peers. This could be through a variety of irritating, repelling, or antisocial behaviors that, on some level, you know are self-destructive.
11. Hiding from emotions
Failing to acknowledge negative (and sometimes positive) emotions creates a host of mental, emotional, and physiological illnesses. Hiding from emotions is another form of unconsciously manifested self-destructive behavior.
12. Refusing to be helped
Pushing away advice, refusing to go to rehab, avoiding the psychologist – all of these examples are signs of not wanting to be helped which is a reflection of the deep core belief that “I’m unworthy.” Refusing to be helped is a form of self-destructive behavior because it prevents growth and healing from occurring within you.
13. Unnecessary self-sacrifice
Some people are in love with their misery because that is all they have known for a large portion of their lives. Unnecessary self-sacrifice or being a martyr are good ways of making us feel “noble” and “altruistic” while masking the actual act of self-sabotage (which is giving up on the hopes, dreams, and passions that make us truly happy).
14. Spending too much
Whether through chronic gambling or constant Amazon purchases, overspending may seem unusual to include on this list, but it is nevertheless a form of self-destructive behavior that limits one’s freedom and peace of mind.
15. Physical neglect
Getting poor sleep, refusing to exercise, eating unhealthy food, and failing to maintain the general well-being of your body are all classic signs of common self-destructive behavior. Risky sexual behavior and poor personal boundaries are also a sign of physical neglect.
16. Mental neglect
Refusing, avoiding, or failing to confront your psychological health issues (e.g., stress, anxiety, depression, paranoia, OCD, etc.) delays the healing process, resulting in the perpetuation of long-term issues.
17. Sabotaging relationships
Sabotaging your relationships is a complex symptom as it involves many destructive behaviors such as jealousy, possessiveness, emotional manipulation, neediness, violence, and so forth. When we don’t feel worthy of love, we unconsciously manifest this in our relationships through the way we choose to behave.
You’re Not Broken (You’re Just Human)
If you identify with any or most of the above signs, you might feel your stomach sink, and a dark cloud of sadness or resentment may wash over you.
You might even start thinking that you’re fundamentally “broken” or that “something is severely wrong with you.”
But please understand that it’s normal to identify with many of the above signs. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken. You’re not a lost cause. You’re simply human. And that’s totally okay.
Why is it normal to possess many of the above self-destructive behavior signs? The answer is that most people have either been negatively programmed by their family or society or have unconsciously adopted these actions as a defense mechanism to protect against mental and emotional pain.
In other words, it’s not your fault and you aren’t to blame for your self-destructive behavior. But it IS your responsibility to work through it.
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You didn’t choose to be self-destructive, did you? You didn’t think at some point, “Hmmm, I think I’m going to be self-destructive now,” did you? It’s just what happened.
The goal here isn’t to feel terrible about yourself. Instead, the goal is to see that “it is what it is” and find ways to reverse, undo, and overcome your self-destructive tendencies.
Self-Destructive Behavior and the Journey of Self-Love
The very fact that you’re here right now reading this guide is already a sign that you’re awakening out of the dream of self-destruction.
In other words, you’re starting to become more self-aware, and self-awareness is a sign that you’re spiritually awakening or at least you’re making self-care more of a priority in your life.
If you’ve been on a shadow work journey of working through your inner darkness, you may have come across some self-destructive behavior pattern within yourself, which is why you may find yourself here.
Going through the dark night of the soul is also another reason why you might find yourself exploring your self-destructive tendencies as you seek to find more meaning and deeper fulfillment in life.
Whatever the case, it’s helpful to understand that self-destruction is the opposite of self-love. And in many cases, our tendencies towards self-destructive behavior are totally unconscious and on autopilot because we were never taught how to love and value ourselves.
In the words of writer and speaker Alan Watts,
When you won’t love, or won’t let it out, it emerges anyway in the form of self-destruction. The alternative to self-love, in other words, is self-destruction. Because you won’t take the risk of loving yourself properly, you will be compelled instead to destroy yourself.
As such, we can see that learning how to love yourself is the antidote to self-destructive behavior.
How to Stop Being Self-Destructive (6 Pathways)
While I can’t give you a magical cure, I can give you some ideas, inspiration, and a few tried-and-tested paths to follow. Try all of these practices systematically or select a few and work with them consistently.
On average, it takes around 66 days to establish a new habit, according to what researchers have found. So make it your goal to stick with at least one of these activities for two months.
Here are the practices:
1. Grow your self-awareness by keeping a journal every day
Journaling has numerous mental health benefits, and it’s a powerful way of increasing your self-awareness. In fact, we could say that self-awareness is the most crucial ingredient in overcoming self-destructive tendencies! Read more about how to journal and the practice of self-awareness for more guidance.
2. Free yourself of compulsive, self-destructive behavior through meditation or mindfulness
There’s a reason why you keep hearing about these two practices, and it’s because they work! Even if you struggle to meditate traditionally, there are endless forms of mindfulness meditation out there that might spark your interest.
Examples of meditation/mindfulness activities include breathwork, walking meditation, mindful art therapy, chanting mantras, guided journeys, chakra visualization, etc.
If you don’t know where to start, I recommend downloading a meditation app such as InsightTimer, Calm, or Headspace. I started off with these apps, and they helped me tremendously. Bringing these key spiritual practices into your life can have profound benefits.
Try starting with 5-10 minutes in the morning or evening every day at the same time (to create a habit out of it).
Meditation and mindfulness are so effective because they help you to come back home to the present moment and create more inner space, which frees you from the compulsiveness and autopilot of self-destructive behavior.
3. Release your pent-up emotions by doing some emotional catharsis
Sometimes, the reason why we’re self-destructing is that a deeper emotion (such as anger, grief, or fear) isn’t being expressed.
Just think of a kettle: the more it boils, the more steam is released. But if that kettle had no way to release that steam, it would eventually explode! The same thing applies to you: you need a pressure valve, a way to channel your pent-up emotions.
When you don’t channel those buried emotions in a healthy way, they can come out in self-destructive behaviors.
So find something you enjoy doing that requires intense mental or physical effort. Examples include boxing, running, singing, dancing, creating art, or plain old screaming and crying (doing this privately is a good idea if you’re living with people!). One unconventional form of catharsis is called dynamic meditation.
4. Learn self-care and self-love through some simple habits
Self-love is a basic attitude of kindness toward yourself: it is the practice of taking care of your mental and emotional needs.
Self-care, on the other hand, is generally more oriented toward your body: it involves eating properly, getting enough sleep, drinking adequate water, wearing comfortable clothing, staying healthy, etc.
Both self-love and self-care go beautifully hand-in-hand as allies against self-destruction.
I understand that self-love may feel like a bit of a stretch for you, so if you want a place to start, begin with self-care.
Begin with even just one self-care practice each day and make it into a habit by doing it at the same time and same place.
For example, you could decide to take a morning walk at 7:30 am each day to help your body feel energized and relaxed. Or you could drink a cup of chamomile tea at the end of your day as a winding down self-care ritual.
You can find more ideas in my self-care ideas article. And if you’d like to practice self-love, I recommend my how to love yourself post, as well as our guided self-love journal.
5. Explore your core beliefs which are at the root of self-destructive behavior
Core beliefs are at the very root of self-destructive behavior because that which we think we often become. Whatever internal dialogue that runs around in our mind is often what dictates our behavior. After all, isn’t it true that we often act on what we believe to be true?
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$3For example, if you carry the core belief that “no one will ever love me,” you will unconsciously and perhaps sometimes intentionally behave in ways that alienate other people so that they don’t hurt you, therefore reinforcing your belief that “no one will ever love me” because you don’t give others the chance to even try!
Core beliefs can be tricky because they’re usually unconscious and automatic, and yet, once we shine the light of our awareness onto them, we can see through them, change them, and find more freedom and peace.
Examples of core beliefs that can result in self-destructive behavior include:
- I am bad
- I am unlovable
- I am unworthy
- I always hurt people
- I am stupid
- I am weak
- I don’t deserve happiness
Core beliefs often start with the words “I am …” and they can be discovered through reflection, inquiry, and journaling. You can find out how to pinpoint yours in my core beliefs guide.
6. Sometimes, there’s a limit to what you can do, and you’ll need to find a coach, counselor, or therapist
If you have strong self-loathing or intense self-destructive tendencies, you might not even have the impulse to take on board any of the advice in this article (*ding ding!* that’s another form of self-destruction, but it’s okay, you’re only doing what you’ve been unconsciously programmed to do).
As such, my best advice is to find a coach, counselor, or therapist ASAP. Sometimes the best thing is to see our true worth in the mirror of another. Sometimes we need someone to hold our hands and actively guide us in a 1-to-1 way.
If this is the case, your search engine is your best friend. Look up the keywords “self-destructive behavior counselor near me,” and you’re bound to find someone who can help. If you’re fine with online sessions via places like Zoom, just use a keyword like “help for self-destructive behavior therapy” or look up “therapy near me.”
There’s only so much an article on the internet can do to help you. While you’ve taken a wonderful step towards health and healing, seeking out guidance in the form of a therapist or counselor will aid you with ongoing support and tools. These, in turn, will transform your life little by little. And soon, you’ll be able to look back on this behavior with a gentle smile and a sigh of relief, proud of your ability to overcome and heal.
Self-Destructive Tendencies Q&A
There are many reasons why someone might be self-destructive. On an emotional and psychological level, self-destructive tendencies may arise from childhood trauma, negative social conditioning, and low self-esteem that are due to having unsupportive or abusive parents, family members, or peers. On a spiritual level, self-destructive tendencies are due to soul loss or the disconnection from your true and authentic essence.
Examples of self-destructive behaviors include excessive self-sacrifice, over-eating or under-eating, sabotaging close relationships, smoking or drinking too much, drug abuse, and self-harm.
The first step to overcoming self-destructive tendencies is to simply be self-aware of what’s happening. Journaling about your discoveries is a powerful place to begin. The next step is to practice self-care and self-love. Learning how to take care of your body and nurturing yourself on a mental and emotional level are crucial steps to overcoming self-destructive behavior.
Self-destructive thoughts are a product of low self-esteem and a part of us known as the inner critic. It’s crucial to remember that this is just one part of you, not the whole of you. You’re so much bigger than the self-destructive thoughts that randomly pop into your mind. Remember that we all get self-destructive thoughts from time to time (and you don’t need to believe them in the first place!), but you might just be more sensitive to believe them due to past trauma.
***
Self-destructive behaviors can be both conscious and unconscious – and they can end up sabotaging our health, happiness, and long-term well-being. But please remember that these harmful tendencies are a symptom of a deeper wound that needs to be shown compassion.
It’s important to remember that you’re not alone. Like me, you can probably identify with a couple or more symptoms of self-destructive behavior on this list. But when you take the first step on your healing journey of developing more self-awareness, self-care, self-forgiveness, and self-love, you will eventually be free of your self-destructive tendencies.
Don’t forget that if you need more help from now on with your self-destructive tendencies, our Self-Love Journal can help you with just that.
What are your experiences with self-destructive behavior? How did you learn to overcome them? I’d love to hear your stories below! Let’s help others not feel so alone.
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I’ve been on the verge of suicide for 3 years. I’ve discovered loads of deep wounds/traumas on my inner child, I’ve essentially been in self-denial in a weird nihilistic stoic combination (everything sucks but it is what it is) thus I had ‘accepted’ that everything was shit. I’ve been guided by a shaman/friend of mine for ~8 months, and I’ve made huge progress in my self-realization, although as with everything one can always keep going. As of now, I’m currently working through suppressed emotions (dating back to when I was a kid) and I’ve discovered loads of different emotions, and this article describes how I’ve been to myself although unconsciously (I can see the patterns now). This read is exactly what I needed now, thank you :)
This is fantastic would love to discuss one on one sessions for my son – I am
Desperate as he reacts to nothing.
Could relate to quiet a few symptoms listed above. I have been a seeker in the journey of self love and trying the 66 day journaling method as recommend to gain more self awareness to be able to heal some of myself sabotaging habits
I have been receiving your posts for about four years now and have found them to be insightful and supportive in the sense I do not feel these days I am alone which in itself is reassuring. Through your posts and other avenues I have explored (reflexology and access bars counselling for example) I still feel a strong inner resistance to positively change my mental attitude for the better and this is making me unhappy and giving me a continuing sense of hopelessness and negativity. Will this ever end though I am doing everything I can think of to be rid of this?
Well. What haven’t I self-sabatoged…
The worst one yet: Saying no to a marriage proposal to a man begging to step up and be the father of my baby. I loved this man. We never had the exclussive talk and I never brought it up because I didn’t want to scare him off. While he was at a pricey Gala in Germany with an ex-fiance thatwas fully paid for a year or more prior(I didn’t want to stand in the way of something that may still be there or he may realize it was totally over, which he did).
While he was gone for this month long training and gala, I had found out I was pregnant by a one night stand and not husband or father material in any way shape or form but hadn’t been able to tell the father yet. Well, word got out FAST because of a misunderstanding by my best friend’s boyfriend who works and was in training with the man I loved in Germany. The boyfriend congratulated him straught away on the good news for the daddy to be and the guys took him out to celebrate that night.
I still had not had a chance to speak to either of them. So after a long night of vomitting, I finally get to sleep and at 2am I get a phone call from Germany. He’s pretty happy. Pretty liquored up. And confesses that he’s never been happier and wants to marry me.
MY SELF-SABATOGE: I wanted to scream yes. But THOUGHT I was doimg the right thing by asking for time and to discuss it like adults when he’s not drinking and not jumping into a marriage for the baby and not for the mother, too. BECAUSE I SUCK!
Anywho, I broke his heart. The bio donor hasn’t been seen or heard of since informing him at 3 weeks pregnant. And I passed on an amazing man amd an amazing father. Because I didn’t believed he loved me. So now, my son is still father-less and paying the price for my poor choices.
@Gentry Jensen: Does the guy in Germany know that the child isn’t his?
Sorry. I don’t social media well. Didn’t mean to piggy back on your post.
My path of despair started in my teens a long time ago. I have been struggling ever since and have made choices that have hurt myself and my kids. I have never been able to find away out, therapy medications nothing. My self worth is just not there. After reading this article I finally think I may have some hope to see my way to a better place. Thank you for your words and inspiration
Dear Luna,
Thanks for your enriching blog.
I am generally supportive and inspired by most articles posted here, but I want to point out something that I believe is important for most readers here.
There is a very careful choice of words to be made here and I don’t ever want to believe there is such a thing as a “self destructive person” in this world. For sure there are “self-destructive patterns” that we all have such as limiting beliefs and negative voices sneaking into our mental maps but in no case these should be attached to the person. More so to the persona though, as in the person we believe we might be.
Please consider this small nevertheless important tweak. I don’t want to believe you would want people to deepen their attachment to negative patterns but rather to detach from them.
I have been in a destructive mode for quite some time and in the past these kinds of articles would support my belief that I was out of service although I was only jammed my wrongly wired thoughts.
Please let ALL of you words invite to redemption and mental reframing.
Thank you for your loving considerations!
Ant.
Luna and Sol,
First of all I feel an intense need to thank you both, for letting your light and truth shine, for being willing to share all of these experiences and insights with us so that we may grow in our awareness and understanding too.
I think I have been self-destructive for quite some time, especially points 1 and 2 (self-defeating mindsets, avoidance of action). In addition I stopped trusting my own emotions as able to guide me towards my truth. I had a few years of back to back trauma and tragedy and I think those were my coping mechanisms. Giving up, accepting, adjusting myself to the situations and trying to ignore any pain.
As of about a year ago, thanks to a more stable life, good circle of friends, better self-care habits, etc. I began to have a stronger sense of myself but with this has come absolute inner turmoil and confusion. Firstly because I can see that my life is not what it should be, my relationship with my husband and father of my children is inherently toxic and emotionally abusive. Secondly, I can look back and understand how my own inaction, avoidance, fear and dangerous mindsets led me here, to this point where my emotional needs are being unmet, and I am fairly certain that there isn’t any way to change this within this relationship. The foundation is not there. So, yes, those were my ways to cope with everything I was experiencing, but now I feel ready for more, to leave those all behind. My very body and energy are instinctually telling me to move, change, grow, learn, take action.
However, I still have a block somewhere. I can’t see or understand which way to go, which steps to take to make any of this possible. I also harbor too much fear of failure, a sense that I am not strong or capable enough to figure this out without hurting everyone around me, and myself as well. It’s like I am emotionally much more aware but it causes me pain (which I accept) to let everything in and understand where I want to be, but not know how I can get there.
So clearly there is more work to be done, there is still something rendering me unable to act. I feel like so much is external, like anyone would struggle, but that’s not helpful in actually changing things. So, the journey continues. I am so thankful for the many thoughtful and insightful articles and advice you two are offering here. This has truly been a time of growth and introspection and I would not be nearly as open to everything I am experiencing emotionally without having stumbled upon your site. Thank you and much love to you both.
Hello again Loner Wolf Family
Yes. All the above relates to me and my current life style. I have been in a destructive chain of chronic alcohol abuse and plus chronic tobacco use. Sinking deeper and deeper into an abyss of total darkness. I both love and hate these things. I have basically turned into my own devil. I have cried many silent tears and prayed prayers where I simply ask to die. But I remember the thing that matters most, there is still hope and having the belief that I too have a purpose. I am now seeking professional help and with enough strength and learning to love and respect my own inner demons or shadow and face it with truth and faith, I know I can learn to retrain my mind and live a normal and happy life. The world you see through your eyes can be heaven or hell. We can help each other to experience heaven every day just by making better and smarter choices and even a small random act of kindness is all it takes to let others know that they are loved too. Bless all of you fellow Wolves and let’s all live like it is heaven on earth every day. Much love
Signed Luke
Luke, I love that philosophy of living life like it’s heaven (versus hell). A great sense of personal power and hope comes in knowing that we can choose how we approach life, and that there is always another way, another path, another perspective we haven’t considered yet. What we suffer has meaning, we just need to find the lesson it’s teaching us. Thank you for sharing here. <3
The harsh truth I finally realised was that I was responsible for making those poor selfish choices which were ruining and destroying my life and also the world that I love so much. Self hatred, self pity, self sabotage, poor choices, poor thinking, poor decision making etc …… The list goes on. This is how I live most days. A world which is unfortunately my personal hell. But ever since my wake up call and finally taking responsibility and owning up, I have earning and winning back my power and personal Magicka to manifest the miracles of co-creating a better world from within which I see through my own eyes. Instead of dragging people down with my depressing attitude, I now have the confidence to be a good person and make other people laugh and smile and being polite and courteous, just being nice and treating others with respect. It does create a better world from which you see and experience. The sun shines bright, birds sing, you see and hear people laugh and smile.
It truly becomes heaven. That is the world I want and love to experience every day.
Signed Luke
One and two are difficult. Self destructive.
I won’t to be with someone with all my heart. Is my willing it to happen going to make it happen or should I stop the Hurt ?
Are they reciprocating the love, Rob?
This article reached me at a very right time. I needed to hear things mentioned above. Although, every time I try and pick myself up, something ticks and I’m plummeting in full speed through my self destruction tunnel. I want to be the bright person I am, but there’s something inside me that says I shouldn’t be that. The article was very helpful, though. Thanks!
I’m glad to hear it helped Janani. And don’t worry, we all have that destructive force within us (we have a pro-life and anti-life force within us all). :)