It’s your day off. You’ve just finished spending half of your day doing favors for your “friends” and the other half being used as an emotional dumping ground by your sister/brother/parent. You’ve just made promises that you feel uncomfortable about with your boss on the phone and you’re feeling like a pile of crap. “What the f*ck is happening with my life?” you wonder with exasperation.
To put it bluntly, what’s happening is that you’re a people-pleaser who needs to build more self-respect.
Yes, you heard me. It’s time to give less fucks about what people think about you and start drawing some boundaries, saying no, and reclaim your personal sovereignty over your life.
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Table of contents
What Is Self-Respect and Why Is It So Important?
Self-respect is a word that means honoring your worth, preserving your dignity, and taking pride in your abilities. Being self-respecting means that you believe at a core level that you’re worthy of being treated fairly and with courtesy.
Why is self-respect so important?
Without self-respect, we are susceptible to being used, abused, and mistreated by other people. Those who lack self-respect are often targets of unsavory types of people like narcissists and egomaniacs who enjoy using self-neglecting people as their lackeys. And who in their right mind would want to end up as fodder for those ratbags lurking in the dark corners of society?
Ultimately, self-respect is vital because it impacts every area of your life.
From your friendships and relationships to your work commitments, having self-respect ensures that you are treated well, given fair opportunities, have your needs and desires met, and remain on equal footing with other people. With no self-respect, you are prone to excessive self-sacrifice, letting yourself be walked over and used, abandoning your true self and authentic needs, giving up on your dreams, and other forms of self-abuse.
7 Examples of Self-Respect
Sometimes it helps to have a clear picture of what self-respect looks like so it’s not so cerebral. Here are some examples of self-respect:
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- Refusing to be spoken to in an offensive way because you know you deserve to be treated well
- Cutting ties with a friend who is lazy and untrustworthy because you know you are worthy of having a dependable friend
- Setting strong boundaries around people who are energy vampires because you want to preserve your energy and not have it stolen
- Saying “no” to the unreasonable requests given by your child or family member because you respect your limits
- Having clear rules in your relationships such as “no lying” because you deserve to have an honest partner
- Refusing to settle for less in business deals because you know the worth of your work
- Not compromising your deepest values in favor of social acceptance
This list is by no means exhaustive, but I hope you get the idea! Also, don’t forget that you can leave a comment beneath this article just in case you need clarification.
What Are the Advantages of Having Self-Respect?
Oh boy, where do I start? Consciously developing self-respect is the very foundation of self-love and self-care. Here are some of the advantages of having self-respect:
- You honor your needs, desires, and values
- You feel empowered to say “no” and draw boundaries
- You have more energy to dedicate to yourself and your dreams
- You feel a sense of equality with others
- You respect the quality of your work
- You choose better friends, partners, and workplaces
- You feel happy and fulfilled in your romantic life
- You feel happy and fulfilled in your business life
- You feel a greater sense of self-trust and therefore self-confidence
- You know how to protect yourself
- You feel powerful and a sense of authority over your life
- You’re capable of practicing self-love and self-care
Another advantage of having self-respect is that you give yourself permission to follow your dreams and goals – instead of getting lost in managing or peddling everyone else’s BS.
Now doesn’t this sound like a big sigh of relief!?
13 Signs It’s Time to Build Some Goddamn Self-Respect!
When we lack self-respect, it’s like the fire within us has been dimmed. Our inner wolf has been captured. We have been domesticated and we don’t know how to protect ourselves.
Pay attention to the following signs and see how many you relate to:
- You always seem to attract people who mistreat or use you
- You have no time for yourself
- You feel exhausted most of the time due to your commitments to others
- You settle for less
- You feel inferior to or ‘less than’ others
- You struggle to speak up
- You can’t seem to say “no”
- You lack self-confidence
- You’re there for everyone, but no one is ever there for you
- You undervalue your strengths, gifts, and achievements
- You let others walk over you
- You’re excessively afraid of what others think about you
- You feel overall unhappy with the quality of your life
Stop and think. How many of these signs can you relate to? Don’t worry if you resonate with most of them. You’re certainly not alone – this is a big issue many people struggle with (including myself in the past).
How to Build and Gain Self-Respect
If you are used to bending over backward for people, building self-respect will be difficult.
If you are acclimatized to obsessing over other’s feelings/thoughts about you, gaining self-respect will also be hard. Furthermore, if you have been conditioned in a family or culture to put your needs last, self-respect will feel extremely elusive.
But don’t fret.
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All habits require time, persistence, and reward (reinforcement). Below you’ll find out how to harness this winning formula to your advantage.
Here are some simple steps you can take to build and gain self-respect:
1. Spend time passionately affirming your worth
Your inner dialogue – the voice constantly chattering within your brain – has tremendous power. In order to build more self-respect, you will need to override the negative self-talk that causes you to devalue yourself.
When I write “passionately affirm your worth” what I mean is that you need to sincerely believe that you are worthy. At first, this may take some time and effort. But the more frequently you affirm your worth, the more your thinking patterns will change.
How can you passionately affirm your worth? Using affirmations is the simplest path – for example, simply repeating “I am worthy of respect” whenever you feel disempowered during the day will help to transform your inner talk. But what I recommend above all is to practice daily mirror work.
2. Practice mirror work
Mirror work is the practice of standing in front of a mirror, looking directly into your eyes, and saying something loving or empowering to yourself.
In front of the mirror, we can see all of our fears, insecurities, and desires – and that is precisely what makes this type of inner work so powerful. So try it out.
Stand in front of a mirror for 10 minutes each day and repeat (passionately) that you are worthy of respect. You may also like to adjust your body posture as you do this into a confident stance, e.g. standing up tall, with your chest out, and feet firmly planted to the ground. Changing your body posture will also have a positive effect on your mentality and almost instantly give you a big dose of confidence and self-belief.
3. Define your non-negotiable values
What do you value in yourself and others? What are you absolutely NOT willing to drop, abandon or compromise deep down? In order to develop self-respect, you will need to identify your values. Examples of values include:
- Reliability
- Honesty
- Compassion
- Acceptance
- Discipline
- Playfulness
- Work/Life Balance
- Uniqueness
- Sense of Humor
- Ethical Living
- Respect
Go on your favorite search engine and type in “list of values” for more ideas to help get you started. Then, get a piece of paper ready and write down what is 100% non-negotiable for you. Keep this piece of paper close to you and look at it each day.
4. Develop interests outside of other people and their BS
Let’s face it, dealing with drama can be exhausting BUT it can also be pretty damn exciting. Not only do you get to feel like a rescuer/savior, but you get to witness your very own real-life soap opera.
Many people who lack self-respect get addicted to the drama of those around them. Don’t be that person. Start exploring hobbies, interests, and projects outside of other people. Take a free personality test (or three) in our test area and figure out what your strengths and proclivities are. Find a channel on youtube you enjoy watching and learn something new that makes you feel empowered.
5. Set clear boundaries and rules
You have the right to set rules. I know that the word “rules” may sound overly authoritarian and reminiscent of old-school headmasters, but rules are basically parameters. Rules define what you will and will not do – and what others can and cannot do when around you. Without rules, life is chaos. Without rules, others can walk all over you without blinking an eye.
The best way to set clear rules (i.e. the basis of strong and healthy boundaries) is to pay attention to your feelings. If you struggle to identify how you feel, pay attention to your body. Does your stomach feel queasy when your colleague asks you to put in extra hours even though you promised to spend more time with the kids? If so, say no politely and draw a line. (And have a self-respecting plan B and C if your colleague persists.) Do you get an intense headache every time you talk to a certain person? If so, limit your contact with them.
Check out our article on setting personal boundaries for more guidance.
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6. Don’t undersell yourself
If you struggle to identify the worth of your time, energy, creations or products, do some research. Research those in your field and look for a handful of people you admire. Have a conversation with them, follow them on social media or look at their website (if they have one).
How do these people you look up to market themselves? Identify similar services or products they offer and compare/contrast the differences. If you need an objective opinion, join an online group (you can find many on facebook) catering to your profession and ask for help. If you struggle with imposter syndrome (most people with low self-respect do) focus on doing some shadow work to help you explore the underlying core beliefs you have about yourself.
In terms of relationships, make a conscious effort to put your best foot forward. Look for the qualities you like the most in yourself and highlight those. Don’t undersell yourself by connecting with those who don’t fully resonate with you. Would you prefer to be happy with yourself, but be alone – or feel horrible about yourself and be in an unfulfilling relationship? Those who respect themselves prefer to wait until the right person comes along rather than throw themselves at anyone who looks their way. See yourself as worthy of a genuine soulmate.
7. Practice self-care “religiously”
When I say religiously, I mean frequently and routinely each day. To practice self-care means to see your needs as worthy of paying attention to. In other words, self-care is a form of self-respect. Nurture your body, heart, mind, and spirit. Eat the right foods, get enough sleep, exercise, feed your mind with knowledge, and have a daily spiritual practice. By committing to self-care, you will naturally and automatically be increasing your levels of self-respect.Read more about self-care.
8. Be proud of who you are, not what you do
Self-respect means honoring how far you’ve come in life. It means embracing the essence of who you are. Please don’t confuse self-respect with what you do. Yes, you can be proud of your achievements, but your achievements don’t define you. If you let your successes define you, you will also let your failures define you – and that is no measure of healthy self-worth! To have stable self-respect, you need to love yourself from the inside out, not the outside in. Does that make sense?
***
As Aristotle tells us, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act but a habit.”
To truly make self-respect part of your very being, to reunite with the wolf within you that refuses to be trampled over, you need to practice repeatedly. With the above tried-and-tested tips, you have a map that you can refer back to on your journey towards self-empowerment.
At what moment in life did you realize you needed more self-respect? Please share below. Let’s create a discussion that can help those who visit this page!
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I have worked so hard at this. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home where I was taught to be codependent. I use to have no boundaries at all! I’ve walked away from all of the toxic people in my life.
My mother and brother are narccisissts. They have caused me a lot of damage and trauma in the last 12 years. Actually my whole life but it got really bad in last 12 years. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2006. It was the catalyst for my spiritual awakening and then the dark night of the soul. That was when I realized how sick they were. My mother has ruined my relationship with my oldest son. He now has a lot of problems because of her enabling him. My mother and brother have turned all of my family against me. That has been the hardest thing for me. I set major boundaries with both my mother and brother. It only made everything worse. I also realized that my sister was unfairly treated badly. I reestablish a close relationship with her. 6 months later she passed away unexpectedly.
I really wished that I didn’t care about my family believing all of these horrible lies about me. It hurts when I call them and they won’t answer and if they do they are very hostile.
Just when I think that I’m getting better another lesson shows up. I really hope that I get a break from it soon.
I know how hard it can be Heidi, when it comes to families it’s extra difficult because so much emotion and part of our history (and sense of self) is invested in the dynamics of those relationships. Remember that beautiful diamonds are formed from great pressure, I’ve found much the same to be true with people.
All perfectly good points that could be made without talking the lords name in vain. Very offensive !
What is the Lord to you?
Hello Mateo,
Thank you for this wonderful post which comes exactly at the right time! I was a few minutes before defining what will be my next professional step, as I am definitely embedded in a situation in which I have absolutely no respect for myself (my work, highly praised by my international colleagues, is completely negated by my own boss and my own school)…
I would say that my awareness for self-respect comes from my Kundalini raising I did three years ago. It took quite a long and difficult path, but eventually I am starting now to break down the “habit” I had to let me subjugated by others (whether boss, husband, friends).
I am however still confused where I would like to go, because I used to be a scientist (and I am still one), but I am painting more and more and this creative side is growing in me, beside my huge interest and need for following my spiritual path. Should I drop science completely ( I did science because of my daddy…) and follow my passion for painting? Should I keep a foot in science to keep money flowing (I am divorced with two kids) and develop my art business on the side?
It needs time and soul reading to answer this but as my upper most priority is to leave my boss and school, I feel under pressure. Any idea how to proceed?
By the way, I love so much your website and your themes (I am doing a Jungian therapy for ten years now), that I donated. Thanks so much!
Claire
Thank you Claire for sharing your struggle with this, and helping support our work. We really appreciate it.
I’m of the mentality of following our bliss, but I’m also a practical man. This website is a testament to that where I worked another job while establishing our work until I had no need for that job (even though I still do it sometimes for the fun of it).
I definitely wouldn’t stay in a job I dislike for financial security as when I’m on my death bed I’d rather regret trying and failing than regret not trying at all. But you don’t want to add too much pressure on your painting passion especially if you have kids and bills to pay, it would take the joy out of it and replace it with a ‘make money out of this’ mentality burden. So keep the whole body in science, but beginning putting one foot out of the door and pursue your passion, slowly transitioning your whole body!
I wish you the best of luck, let me know how you go with this brave change.
Great article the best ever from you thank you.
Thank you Brandon for the thoughtful feedback.
I started seeing patterns (lack of respect from others (family, friends,romantic relationships) which caused me to doubt myself worth). Over the years, the self-respect theme went unaddressed and has resurfaced in all aspects of my life (especially in the work environment). Different state, different people, different field of work, but the same thing. I would work twice as hard and have integrity about my mode of operation and the people who got away with doing half assed jobs were prized and their lack of productivity was overlooked. My seriousness and work ethic has helped pay bills and that’s it. It’s hard to “play the game” and be jovial or excited when people try to undermine you, analyze you and look for things to call you on. I also dealt with so called friends who will use your ideas and brag about them to others in front of you and never give you credit, knowing they’re mind never even thought of concepts on that level before. It didn’t matter if you were in between jobs at that time, people will try to shine at your expense.
Those are a few examples of why I’m pretty much a loner now and before.
I’ve had to learn to remove myself from people, jobs, and places that didnt appreciate me… even if I have to be alone. So many seem to be winning at life, love and relationships and that has never been my story.
I believe it all (lack of respect from others and self-respect, loathing and not seeing my own value) began with abuse from my (older) sister and being told to “ignore her” and “consider the source”. This mindset didn’t give me half a chance because speaking up is power… one that you don’t have when things are never said or if the timing is off… So quite often, I have restraint, but a controlled anger and I didn’t hone the skill to respond quickly (although I have a a few monumental episodes of speaking up, I know I’d feel empowered to have done it even more so). because I was used to saying nothing , but the aftermath of not speaking up is disastrous ..
. I’m in between jobs now, trying to figure out my life and how I can best use my unique attributes , skills and personal and professional value to work for myself and actually achieve it… this is a painful, uncomfortable and necessary part of my path. I guess… and I so wish to have a better future… I also have intuition and read people well but have been attracted to guys who I knew were liars and cheaters and I hate that I allowed myself to experience them because it’s not like I didn’t see who they were…the drama was heartbreaking and devastating, especially because I already knew… I shied away from those who really appreciated me but I had to go through it to find out my value (still)… and to garner the self-respect thing… why was this not taught in school???
I just want to say that I love your writing and the way you just pull the language out and I as the story unfurling like a colorful scarf and then it gets desaturated in the parts Where you have others stealing the heat from the fires you have stoked but it turns vibrant again under the natural flow of your own prose. I have been in a similar situation with the whole lazy crew of fools getting a pat on the back for a job I did while they were smoking and playing on the phone…. But I don’t think I could have put it as perfectly. If you are not a writer then you ought to get on that, because I was disappointed that you had to stop and I am a picky reader.
The day I realized that I was in serious need of some self respect was back in 2005. I was 26 at the time and a mother of two. I worked nights and spent my days trying to do all the things my “not working” babies daddy didn’t do while I was working. I was getting little sleep and spent most of my time being stressed out and agitated. I was sitting in my living room surrounded by “friends” and realized I had a house full of people I barely knew and didn’t even really like. All of them were really friends of my boyfriend’s. They faked being real friends to me and I played nicey nice. Add I was sitting there I became overwhelmed by the reality of the situation. I became angry and was genuinely offended by my company. I decided right then I wasn’t going to do it anymore. No longer would I deny my true self and allow these people to take advantage of my hospitality. I stood up went to the door, opened it and then turned to my guests and flatly told them all that they needed to leave, I didn’t like any of them and they weren’t welcome in my home anymore. It was so empowering and felt good.
Wow Shay! You definitely have a lot of courage! And self understanding too, to know that those people were not going to grow into the kind of relationships you would need to evolve within. It’s a difficult move to make in one’s life, but it really does feel freeing once you decide not to endure non-friendships. Your response is inspiring. :-)
I love reading your articles. Everytime I read, I feel like being pushed forward with a strong beat in my heart and motivated. I am longing for independence, but the sense of putting my needs first before my kids is overwhelmingly confusing! My wife passed away last year. It’s been 3 months now. But, thank you for this inspirational articles.
Hey Victor,
I’m so happy our articles can have such a strong effect on your journey. I’m sorry to hear about your wife, I can’t imagine the difficulty in trying to balance both the responsibility of being a parent with the thirst for freedom, I think it could be possible to compromise in some ways to have both sides fulfilled. Time will hopefully make it easier to see how this can be done.
I am going to save this article and refer back to it when necessary. Thank you so much!
No worries Jon, I’m happy you find it so useful.
All of this makes a lot of sense, but one could argue, regarding point 8, that defining oneself isn’t exactly easy. If it’s not what you do but what you are, and you’re not supposed to identify with thoughts/opinions/feelings/beliefs, what else is there?
Deep values maybe? And possibly how one honours those values? Knowledge, and how it is applied? Wisdom/intelligence/creativity/whatever gift one has, and how it is used and improved? These could sound good answers, but they seem to somewhat boil down to what one either thinks/feels/acts.
Also, given the right circumstances, one could discover and grow gifts that wouldn’t be natural, and vice versa lose skills that were once almost built-in. I’m facing a moment of confusion thinking about all this. I’m not asking for THE answer, but AN answer could unlock my brain lol. :)
Thanks and keep on with the good job! :)
Thanks Max for the interesting questions.
“what else is there?” This is where we get into the metaphysical as our website is about spirituality as well, and we’ve covered in the past how the ‘ego’ is an illusion, a conceptual sense of self that doesn’t exist outside your mind and when practicing meditation, you can’t even experience anything resembling a ‘center of the self’.
If science and our own experience can tell us that all that really exists is conscious awareness, then anything we try to cling to or attach yourself to for a sense of self worth can become an obstacle in your growth. Spiritual progress is defined by the greater ability to live more and more in the present and less and less in our ephemeral and changeable (as you point out) ‘values’ and ‘beliefs’.
I hope that provides some more clarity.
Sorry Mateo! called you Sole in reply to Max below
Here’s another answer to play with Max. Think of a baby – no achievements or behaviors to judge it by. Yet most of us would die to protect it, and we tend to hold it with awe n wonder. What is it? Or imagine you’re talking to a Martian who wants to know what a human is??
My answer… “a human is primarily a feeling being, born with 24 character strengths (resilience, curiosity, creativity etc), 9 different kinds of intelligence, a neuro-plastic brain, is hyper-social and makes meaning out of life experiences. And each of us is uniquely human!” …there is actually much more we can say about us. I like the anology of the acorn – “you don’t have to teach an acorn how to be an oak tree, you just provide the right conditions.” Humans are the same, we contain all we need to be healthy, fully functioning, fulfilled humans – it’s the conditions that count! Sole’s answer to me helps us connect with, feel that essence (and feel self worth in that) n nurture it.
Hope this helps!
Oh yeah! Thank you, brother!
You’re most welcome Ika!