Out of suffering have emerged the strongest Souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
โย Khalil Gibran
At some point, most of us spiritual wanderers, seekers, and lone wolves go through a phenomenon known as the Dark Night of the Soul.
Although we try to run from it, it is still there. Although we try to cover it up and smother it, it is still there. Although we try to put on a happy, smiley face and pretend it away, it’s still there.
While some of us seek reprieve in religious thought, others of us seek respite in spiritual philosophy or psychology, and still, others seek relief through addiction and mind-numbing external pursuits.
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The truth is that although we are all born with Souls, not all of us know how to fully embody and integrate them into our human experience. The reality is that in our modern world, we live ego-centrically rather than Soul-centrically.
Mystics, saints, and shamans throughout history have all referred to this ego-centric human struggle in different ways. But the one thing they all had in common was their tendency to point to the need for us to consciously grow into our Divine potential.
One of these people was Saint John of the Cross, a Spanish monk who coined the term “Dark Night of the Soul” (“Noche Oscura” the name of one of his poems) based on his own mystical experience.
These days, the concept of the Dark Night of the Soul has come to be used in a much broader way. What was once a term reserved for people actively going through a Spiritual Journey, has now come to easily label anything ranging from a few bad days and a period of depression to the death of a loved one.
But what really is the Dark Night of the Soul?
(Note: if you feel the need for further gentle guidance after reading this article, I recommend checking out our Dark Night of the Soul Journal which is a wonderfully supportive way of finding a continued sense of direction and healing.)
Table of contents
- What is the Dark Night of the Soul?
- Dark Night and Depression โ Is it the Same Thing?
- 7 Omens That Herald the Dark Night of the Soul
- Why Suffering is Necessary
- What is the Point of Living?
- Happiness Isnโt This or That, Happiness IS
- The Dark Night and The Spiritual Awakening Process
- Dark Night of the Soul Meditation
- Time to Go Into the Dark
First, we’ll start with a basic definition:
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What is the Dark Night of the Soul?
The Dark Night of the Soul is a period of utter spiritual desolation, disconnection, and emptiness in which one feels totally separated from the Divine.
Those who experience the Dark Night feel completely lost, hopeless, and consumed with melancholy.
The Dark Night of the Soul can be likened to severe spiritual depression (it’s a type of spiritual emergency.)
The concept of having a Dark Night of the Soul has existed for a long time, and spans back to the 16th century when poet and Catholic mystic Saint John of the Cross wrote a poem entitled, โLa noche oscura del alma (The Dark Night of the Soul).โ
Wrote Saint John:
If a man wishes to be sure of the road heโs traveling on, then he must close his eyes and travel in the dark.
Traditionally, the Dark Night of the Soul refers to the experience of losing touch with God/Creator and being plunged into the abyss of godless emptiness.
The modern understanding of having a Dark Night of the Soul, however, is not exclusively a religious one, but can often mean losing all meaning in life, feeling out-of-touch with the Divine, feeling betrayed or forsaken by Life, and having no solid or stable ground to stand on.
Some of the heaviest questions we ask during this period include for example, โWhy am I alive?โ โWhy do good people suffer?โ โWhat is truth?โ โIs there a god or afterlife?โ and โWhat is the point of living?โ
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These introspective journaling prompts teach you how to explore and move through your Dark Night of the Soul!
Dark Night and Depression โ Is it the Same Thing?
The Dark Night of the Soul is not the same as depression.
Although depression shares many of its characteristics with the experience of having a Dark Night of the Soul, it can often be treated and sometimes cured with medications, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness practices, lifestyle changes, and so forth.
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Furthermore, depression often has its roots in biological chemical imbalances and/or unhealthy thought patterns, and often comes as a result of personal loss, mental illness, physical illness, abuse, genetics, and so on.
However, while the Dark Night of the Soul isn’t the same as regular depression, it can be thought of as spiritual depression.
One of the biggest differences between the Dark Night of the Soul’s depression and regular depression is that the Dark Night is primarily a spiritual and existential form of crisis that canโt be treated or cured with therapy or psychiatry.
Therefore, those of us going through the Dark Night can often feel an increasing sense of hopelessness, unease, and despair as we discover that no one can save us but ourselves.
Inevitably, this makes us feel even more alone, frustrated, and confused about the world and about ourselves.
I am intensely aware of what it is like to experience complete psychological and spiritual desolation and although the feeling seems endless, there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you just know where to look.
7 Omens That Herald the Dark Night of the Soul
I am a forest, and a night of dark trees: but he who is not afraid of my darkness, will find banks full of roses under my cypresses.ย
โ Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra
“What’s the difference between the dark night and depression?” you may still wonder.
Even back in the 16th century, Saint John of the Cross himself was at great pains to distinguish the Dark Night from mere melancholia (depression).
After all, the symptoms of the Dark Night of the Soul are not that different from depression.
But while depression is psychological/neurological/biological, the Dark Night heralds deep-seated changes occurring within us known as spiritual transformation.
Here are 7 “omens” that you might be going through a Dark Night of the Soul:
- You feel a deep sense of sadness, which oftenย verges on despair (this sadness is often triggered by the state of your life, humanity, and/or the world as a whole)
- You feel an acute sense of unworthiness
- You have the constant feeling of being lost or “condemned” to a life of suffering or emptiness
- You possess a painful feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness
- Your will and self-control is weakened, making it difficult for you to act
- You lack interest and find no joy in things that once excited you
- You crave for the loss of something intangible; a longing for a distant place or to “return home” again
(You can also take our free Dark Night of the Soul test to help you discover whether you’re going through this experience or not.)
The ultimate difference between regular depression and the Dark Night of the Soul’s depression is that regular depression is usually self-centric, whereas the Dark Night’s depression is philosophical in nature and is accompanied by existential reflections such as “Why am I here?” and “What is my purpose?”
Also, when depression ends, not much changes in your life in terms of your beliefs, values, and habits.
However, when the Dark Night of the Soul ends, everything in your life is transformed, and life becomes wondrous again.
Why Suffering is Necessary
My desire to live is as intense as ever, and though my heart is broken, hearts are made to be broken: that is why God sends sorrow into the world โฆ To me, suffering seems now a sacramental thing, that makes those whom it touches holy โฆ any materialism in life coarsens the soul.
โ Oscar Wilde “Letters“
Polish psychologist Kazimierz Dฤ browski once coined the term Positive disintegration, which views tension and anxiety as a necessary part of the process of spiritual and psychological maturing.
In other words, it is the friction within us that causes the mirror of our Souls to be polished enough for us to glimpse our True Nature.
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I often hear people speak of the Dark Night as some kind of problem they have to “fix,” or something they “went through a long time ago, that is now over, thank God.”
But what these people thought was a Dark Night may have just been a glimpse of the darkness within them, especially when they speak egotistically about it as if it were a badge of honor.
A true Dark Night of the Soul leaves a long-lasting impact on you โ it changes you completely.
When you exit a Dark Night, you will discover that something is always taken away from you (for the better), such as your beliefs, your perceptions, your former meaning in life, or even in rare cases, your ego identification.
The metaphysician Ananda Coomaraswamy put it this way:
No creature can attain a higher grade of nature without ceasing to exist.
Have you ever seen a butterfly begin to emerge from its cocoon? It must struggle in order to strengthen its wings.
If someone frees the butterfly from its cocoon prematurely, it won’t be able to fly because its crucial tempering stage will not have occurred.
The same is true for trees. Trees need wind in order to build their structural strength to stay upright.
Your Dark Night of the Soul is your wind, your cocoon; it is an ego death whereby you shed the ego that prevents you from embodying your Soul.
If you try to avoid the hard work of, as Ananda put it, “ceasing to exist,” or breaking down your old confining structures, you won’t have what it takes to truly embody your essential nature.
What is the Point of Living?
Here’s another central question and concern that emerges over and over again during our Dark Night of the Soul.
What is the point of living?
Such a question weighs down on us like lead, oppressing us constantly.
Each day, we might obsessively search for an answer, but find to our greatest dismay that the answers to such a question are as expansive as the waves on the ocean.
Some people tell us, โthe point is to serve God,โ others tell us, โthe point is to make a difference,โ and others tell us, โthere is no point: you make your own meaning.โ
These are only three of hundreds, even thousands of possible answers.
What the hell are we supposed to do?
Who is right, who is wrong โฆ if there really is any โrightโ or โwrongโ answer? We walk down one path and immediately become dissatisfied, disillusioned, and repelled by what we discover.
Then we walk down another path and history repeats itself again and again until we realize with horror, โEvery path is meaningless to me,โ and we collapse in grief and despair, winding up at square one again.
Such a cycle repeats itself over and over again during the Dark Night of the Soul, so much so that it can become like torment. I know because I have experienced it.
The strange thing is that although we get to a point of complete desolation, we still hold a glimmer of hope that pursuing the same path over and over and over again will somehow bring us to a deeply satisfying meaning one day.
We seem to think that the mind is the solution to our problems; that utilizing the mind will release us from the original prison created by the mind that feels the need to quantify, measure, and define everything.
What most of us fail to do, however, is to question the actual questions we are asking and pursuing the answers to. Have you ever tried asking:
Why must there be a point to living? Instead of, What is the point of living?
I’ll elaborate on this below.
Happiness Isnโt This or That, Happiness IS
Earlier today I opened my email and received a poignant message from one of our long-time readers asking:
I don’t understand. Why am I alive? Why do I experience life? I don’t know why I am here now. I don’t see the point of living my life. I don’t want anything, not material /physical achievements, not relationships, not entertainment, nothing. I don’t know what to do with this body, mind, and feelings. Or maybe I just experience this life too intensely until I am numbed. But why?
My answer to anyone experiencing this is that although you might feel cursed, you are actually blessed. It sounds absurd, even insulting, but this is the truth.
Before any true growth or healing can occur, there must be a process of destruction and complete annihilation of everything you thought would bring you happiness.
Most people experiencing Dark Nights realize this: that nothing makes them happy anymore; not bodily, not sexual, not emotional, not material, not political, not social, not even spiritual. And this is the start of the purification process.
Conditioning vs. reality …
Since birth you have been conditioned to believe that money will make you happy, a sexy/rich partner will make you happy, a high IQ will make you happy, a big house will make you happy, a thriving career will make you happy, a perfect life will make you happy.
But this is all a lie because whenever you pursue happiness, you are immediately losing touch with the fact that happiness is already here, right now, in this very second, without you having to do anything or question anything. Happiness IS.
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$3This sounds like the most ridiculous thing you might have ever heard, and yet deep down you might sense the truth in it.
If this is the case the first layer of your illusion has been peeled away; what a blessing!
A blessing in disguise …
In reality, it is absolutely terrifying to have the ground beneath your feet ripped out from beneath you, and this is precisely what we experience during the Dark Night of the Soul.
And yet, this experience is the greatest teacher of all to us because it illuminates what is fragile, transient, and subject to change, growth, and decay.
We are subsequently left with a feeling of great inner emptiness, but within this emptiness, we eventually come to see what can never come, go, change or die, and that is the truth of who we are: pure, peaceful, and blissful conscious essence.
The mind is always frantically searching …
The mind is a product of our evolutionary development: it protects us and structures our existence, and through it, we can experience the beauty of life.
But in order to truly come to any closure during our Dark Nights we must understand that the mind is limited, narrow, and finite โ and therefore so is our reasoning.
Why must there be a โpointโ to living other than the experience of being alive in all of its fascinating and shocking diversity? Why must we โpursueโ or โfindโ something rather than simply experiencing each moment fully and completely in the simplicity of Being?
That is why I say that happiness isnโt this or that, happiness IS.
What exactly are we seeking when we want to answer the question, โWhat is the point of livingโ? We want a satisfactory answer that will appeal to the mind and “GIVE” us happiness.
But happiness canโt be given because happiness IS. This might all sound like fancy rhetoric, but I recommend that you let it sink in and really look into it more.
For me it took years, but these six questionsย helped to solidify the understanding that happiness and fulfillment are already here, now. Please read them to continue your journey.
The Dark Night and The Spiritual Awakening Process
As humans, the prospect of change is avoided and resisted because it is unknown territory. Therefore, we fear it. For this reason, we require a Spiritual Awakening.
There are three ways that Spiritual Awakenings can occur:
the first is at the hands of wise spiritual teachers, the second is through the spiritual drive of soulfully mature people, and the third is spontaneouslyย due to life experience.
Spontaneous awakenings arrive in a number of ways: a terminal diagnosis, old age, a near-death experience, a physical accident, the loss of a loved one, a romantic breakup, the destruction of your home or homeland, suicidal depression, or the complete loss of your religious faith.
The Dark Night is a herald, an omen, of change. It lets us know that we can’t continue living the way we have been living. There is no growth, no awakening in life, to life, without first seeing and acknowledging our existing disappointment.
Acknowledging our disappointmentย means becoming aware of the deeply held sense of “incompletion” that we all carry; it means becoming aware that something is desperately missing from our lives.
Those that have experienced, or are currently experiencing a Dark Night of the Soul will know that something very fundamental at a core level is out of focus or completely lacking in their lives.
Those going through a Dark Night will sense that so much more is possible in their lives, even though they don’t exactly know what that “so much more” is.
Paradise lost and found …
One of the common reasons why Dark Nights occurย and are prolonged is due to mystical experiences, or short glimpses of the divine, which spiritual teachers often refer to as “grace” or samฤdhi.
Soon afterward, the person “loses” this experience, and is plunged into unhappiness again. This is called the “halo effect,” “afterglow” or what the Sufis speak of as the “sobriety of union.”
Why does the “halo effect” happen? It happens because of the stark contrast between one’s rediscovered Divine Self and the return to one’s disconnected and tormented Ego self.
To the spiritually mature person, the halo effect sets the stage for a future encounter with the transcendental, with God.
However, for the less prepared seeker, the glimpse into the Divine stirs up even more distress as old habits, obsessions, thoughts, and behaviors reappear. Now, such a person realizes that he has a long, complex, and demanding task of purification and transformation ahead of him.
In Spiritual Alchemy, there is a word for this experience called solutio; putting all the hard stuff in the waters of reflection (your ideas, your habits, etc.), where it dissolves and breaks apart, shows itself for what it is, and gives you the opportunity for a fresh start.
Find freedom through purging …
The solution to one’s suffering and disconnection from the divine realm can be any method of cutting away, dislodging, disintegrating, and clearing old pieces of your life so that you can begin afresh.
Essentially, the Dark night is a process of shedding away your old home and going in search of a new one.
Understandably, this process requires a huge leap of faith into the unknown which can come at quite a sudden and frightening pace.
If you think you might be going through this journey, it’s important to understand that many of us have been where you are. Many people still are.
There is no map, there is only the flickering luminescence of your Soul to light the way.
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I hope our work can encourage, embolden, and support you if you are undertaking this descent into your Underworld.
Dark Night of the Soul Meditation
While every experience of the Dark Night of the Soul is different, the one common thread is that it is a path of initiation.
You are in the dark so that you can understand what Light is. You are disconnected so that you can know what connection is. You are lost so that you can find your way back Home.
If these explanations of the Dark Night don’t resonate with you, please go ahead and discard them.
I’m not here to tell you what the Dark Night of the Soul shouldย mean because, ultimately,ย youย must figure that out for yourself.
You need to be the one to make meaning out of your experience. I can only offer my own understanding.
If you have read up until this point you are probably looking for additional help, and that is completely understandable.
However, the Dark Night of the Soul is a complex and profound experience and it cannot be solved by reading a “six-step” formula or bullet list.
What Iย canย offer you, however, is a simple meditation which may provide you with some level of relief.
When you can dredge up enough energy (I know how exhausting and depleting the Dark Night can be), try experimenting with the following Dark Night of the Soul meditation:
Find a quiet and undisturbed place. If you like, play some celestial or ethereal music in the background to set the mood. Lie down and close your eyes. For a minute or two focus on your breath. Feel your chest rise and fall. Once you feel connected with your body, shift your focus to creating an image of yourself walking through a dark forest. Imagine that you are looking above to see the dark tangled branches of the forest obscure the sky. What does the forest feel like? Is it cold, hot, balmy, humid or icy? Can you smell, feel, or taste anything?
As you keep walking through the dark forest, the path in front of you seems endless. The atmosphere feels deathly and melancholic. Suddenly, a white wolf emerges from the trees. It looks at you with intelligent and kind eyes and begins to accompany you as you walk. Your feeling of loneliness lifts slightly as you enjoy the company of your animal friend. Suddenly, the wolf beside you stops and stares intensely into the dark trees ahead of you. You peer ahead but cannot see anything but dark shadows. Suddenly, your wolf companion lifts up his head and lets out a loud and haunting wolf call.
The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Just after the wolf stops howling, a white light slowly emerges from deep within the forest. At first, the light is tiny and like a pinprick. But as you walk towards it, the light becomes bigger and brighter. A feeling of hope begins to fill you.ย Tentatively, you start jogging towards the light. You notice that the faster you run, the bigger the light gets. The closer you move to the light, the more open and expansive you feel. You pick up your pace. The feeling is exhilarating! Far behind you, the white wolf howls again. A feeling of wildness and freedom starts to warm you from the inside out.ย As you continue running, the light begins to consume your vision. The dark forest begins to quickly fade. As you look down, you notice that your legs are the legs of a wolf โ without knowing it, you have experienced a total transformation โ and it is liberating! Picking up your pace, you keep running and you let out a loud howl. The piercing sound of the howl dissolves all hopelessness, sadness, and darkness left within you. The howl has completely purified you. All that remains is pure light, love, hope, power, and peace. You feel spacious and open. You are free!
Enjoy the feeling of freedom for as long as you wish. When you are ready, wiggle your fingers and toes and return back to the room. You may like to journal about your experience.
Feel free to record this visualization, get someone to read it out to you gently, or change the meditation to your own liking. It has been created to ultimately benefitย you.ย
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Time to Go Into the Dark
To end this article,ย I’ll leave you with one of my favorite Dark Night of the Soul quotes by David Whyte โ a man who understood the value of making peace with the darkness:
… Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.The dark will be your womb
tonight.The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free inGive up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learnanything or anyone
that does not bring you aliveis too small for you.
โย “Sweet Darkness” by David Whyte
Now, over to you:
What has your experience been like with the Dark Night of the Soul? Please share below to help others not feel so alone.
P.S. If you’re experiencing the Dark Night and desperately need more guidance, see our Dark Night of the Soul Journal for extra help. Our article on Soul Work might also be of assistance to you.
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As Iโm reading this Iโm really high on drugs trying to understand why Is it that I enjoy this darkness night of the soul. I feel like nothing really matters in the spectrum of the universe weโre all going to die anyway so why do we need to put ourselves through this suffering? Weโre eternal and will live beyond this skin so why am not afraid of this dark soul? Is it possible that whole I was seeking light my whole life it was darkness that I needed… can humans thrive in darkness? And why do we need to see dark night if the soul as something transitional. I feel amazing I feel free, I could use a bit more freedom but then I would scare people hehe lately satanism has been calling on me Iโm not sure if this is part of the growth but I do believe free will is so important when we talk about our lives. We donโt have alot of time left in this world yet for some reason sometimes it feels like its also very long. I do have depression but Iโm coping really great with the help of martial arts and therapy. I just think that we think of darkness s as something that is transitioning but what about it staying longer and maybe embracing that. I guess im speaking personally and from experience. Iโm very happy but I know thereโs so much darkness around me and Iโm ok with it. Or maybe Iโm just high talking. But fuck it thereโs no right or wrong? Is this ego self speaking? Or my true being?
Anyone else can share my thought process or experience?
Thank you for sharing Massya. The important distinction here is relating the dark night, not just ‘darkness’. Darkness itself is a necessary part of the journey, we encounter our souls in the depth of the ‘underworld’ as the mythopoetics say. It’s through the cavernous darkness of the Soul that we can experience the blinding light of the Spirit.
This article focuses specifically on a period of that dissolution of our sense of ego, our sense of self. But they’re easy to confuse, in a society that hasn’t provided ‘elders’ to guide us through this.
Sometimes the season of darkness has a way of glorifying itself, in hopes that our ego finds comfort there. When you are finally able to push through the comfort of guilt,shame and sadness then your feelings are all under your control. Walking through the hurt and leaving it behind is almost like being reborn. Itโs only when your brave enough to leave the blanket of blame and shame behind in then darkness that you will have the light bestowed upon u โฆ the light of not giving a shit about other peoples judgements ,expectations and just living for the day. When u can stop trying to figure it all out and just finding the fact that you kept yourself alive while u slept a miracle.. Thatโs when life starts to happen.
This is an absolutely brilliant article thank you. A few years ago I had a flash of Divine Grace, I saw my true nature. I lived a year or so in happiness, totally transforming my life, building a spiritual career, retraining in what felt like things more true to who I am. I read tonnes of books. Now, I dip into dark moments. So lost, confused- nothing has any meaning. I donโt strive to do or be anything but in that I am directionless and empty. What is one supposed to do and be? If it is all meaningless? In truth, it doesnโt matter one bit. Do as you will and love God. But thatโs a hard thing to swallow for most of us who have this idea that we must choose a path of some sort and spend our daily hours working towards something or engaging in things we like. To be utterly directionless and without likes, interests, views, preferences is unfathomable to most of us. But if we can embrace it, just move through our day in each moment just living simply, just getting on with whatever job weโre in, without craving for anything else then weโre on our path to freedom. To be nothing and no one with no real identity is so painful as we have built our whole lives on this premise (ego) and now we must strip it all away again to nothing. We must become nothing (no ego, no identity) in order to become everything (God). It has helped me enormously in reading this article to see quite clearly that the one who is going through the dark night of the soul is my ego, not me!
“the one who is going through the dark night of the soul is my ego, not me!” That’s a beautiful way to put it Ruby, thank you for sharing.
I believe I am going through a Dark Night of the Soul. Though I have never been in the place I am right now and actually find out it is a real thing. I am kind of surprised to find I am alone but not really. Because I know when I feel alone God is still right here with me all the time. It’s the reason why I like to spend time alone. Sometimes I can’t get enough. Because I know that it’s not really a bad place to be. Yet I don’t know where I’m at. I don’t understand everything. It’s like a passing moment that if I don’t write it down or tell someone about it the ” message ” becomes lost after coming out of it. I have found though that if it is something that is lost after going through. Another time will come again. Because it is just like walking in the dark I still don’t see everything I still don’t understand all that I see or even hear. But as time goes by more understanding reveals itself. I welcome this. I see that change is important and nessasary. But I can’t seem to get it right because I go through this what seems like pretty often. But what I am going to call the big ones are when I am considered sick. Bipolar,manic and crazy. It seems like it gets like that when I am going through a crisis type thing and I stay in this place too long. But now I’m thinking that maybe I just need to learn more about what to do in this place. Because I have found there is this place of light also that is better and nicer than the dark and I don’t want to leave. But I have to because I have a family and husband that want my time and attention. I realize I am on a right track when I see myself with Jesus cleaning out my closet. Maybe it’s a meditation kind of thing. But it is what I see when I am trying to understand things I can’t explain. When I try to explain it doesn’t take long for me to hear people saying “what are you talking about!!???” It’s very frustrating and then people become difficult to deal with even more. … So then the time comes when I have to come back to here and now and the memory of the experience becomes a fuzzy picture of what was so clear before. I have to say though that when I think about things that go with the experience and I can’t remember everything or I don’t understand all that I saw or heard it does come back to you when you let yourself go back and”visit” again. I think it has to do with my need to do some shadow work. Which I haven’t even started yet. If it wasn’t for my daughter I wouldn’t know anything about it existing. So I am excited to do more exploring. I’m feeling at a standstill. Maybe it’s a crossroads. I know I can’t go back to the same way as before. But how do I go forward from here? Because ” being sick ” doesn’t let you go very far. And I really need to not waist my time on things that are distractions to my journey. So this is coming from a person who I believe is learning some things backwards. I in a big way don’t know what I am talking about. I only know my experience. And my experience can be compared to putting a puzzle together. I see things so clearly with each piece that is found to be put in it’s place. It gets better and better. But there are still many gaps and holes. Sometimes putting the pieces together goes quickly and a lot gets done put together in a short time. But then there are times when you can’t find one piece to fit anywhere. You have to put it aside and come back later. But then life happens and it takes longer than we really want it to or expect. I hope there is some kind of help for someone out there in saying all of this. Because I believe there is something that reflects the truth about the truth that is hidden in all of this and inside me. I know I need to do more exploring but I know I need to do more discovering. Which I think means finding more answers to questions and asking even more questions and finding those answers. I have to say it again. Thank you for being here. I think I might be a lost Soul that has been waiting to meet you for a very long time.
I feel like e everything and everyone is superficial. My disgust in humanity is so deep. I have no one who seems to be smart enough to understand the connotations of the implicitly simplistic views I am trying to share. Words are so inadequate. Nothing is real. I feel like a void. No living being seems to really see ME. I no longer even bother with the theoretical of why! All I can think of now is perhaps just sticking it out for the duration until my name is called. Not the name by which I am known in this world. The name by which my inner self will instinctively know to be true. Perhaps only then, will I be allowed to go to the place where I will be deemed FAMILY.
The tricky part with this process is finding your way through the despair. Taken as a whole it can be daunting. Ask yourself: ‘how do you eat an elephant? ” One bite at a time.’ look first at the things you deem are faults in yourself and take time to accept yourself. Only in that exercise will you be able to accept others. I wish you well on your path.
Sunday Feb 14th By Raw Realities Pty Ltd. he he
Owning Up to the Dark Day of My Soul – unbridled truth.
It’s Sunday today, and like all good Queenslanders I was tucked in bed last night by 9:30 (curfew), yet could not rest. So I decided to really let out my feelings to my dear heart, on my current worries and feelings. A moment of speaking absolute truth! What began as simple self talk about our old age, health issues etc., grew out of all proportion into a verbal tirade,…On if I was running for the hills, leaving the nest, and being totally irresponsible. Leaving the family nest without male guardianship. While leaving all hope of sensible approaches ! So having handled these situations before, I took some quick military quick steps, to stem the flow, (Sooth the savage beast), and reset the course of conversation onto the old acceptable plateau. To my relief it worked, as we both calmed down, had a cuppa and re established love lines of sensible approaches, for now. And how I had just been airing my negative dark inner thoughts and grievances, but would not fully contemplate acting upon them without full unbridled consultation.
How I felt this Morning Sunday 14th
Mentally indecisive, judging others in this negative cloud state of mind. First I wanted one thought action and then another. I felt slightly jittery after the first early coffee, and out of sorts with a little indigestion. So I attempted setting one goal in mind, which flicked and switched, by me finding fault and downing it like the Good ship Lollipop. As other thoughts followed, other faults were emerging, as my irrational self talk full of opinion and critical values reset my goals, one by one.
I felt like I had no respect nor gratitude for my self, for who I am, nor the value of my achievements for this time of my life. This made me grumpy with my self, with self doubt creeping in. Like a large bird of prey(vulture) picking over my bones and the traces of self held dear by the Ego. Picking out my fleshy weaknesses eg., (unhealthy little physical dramas, weight consciousness, dry skin etc and all manner of inward and outward irritations.
Raw hide Realities
I am physically full of energy, yet I felt I must be quiet (curtailed by thin walls and close neighbours) because it’s Sunday and others need peace and rest after their long weeks labours. So I exercised quietly (light Qi Gong exercises) to ease stressful thoughts and unwind body parts too. Yet I felt even more energy.
The same as last night, as if left unchecked, I wanted to run from reality, away from myself with all it’s boundaries, controls, regulations, responsibilities, doubts and fears. About future events, present health issues etc.. In my self indulgence, I felt isolated even though happily married. As If I was no longer connected to the happy Saturday person, connected to others in the cosmic collective. Just a small male individual with mental and emotive issues, whom every one relies upon for assistance and support, but no one wants to understand my needs or wants. (Boo Hoo he he he)
I felt lost inside, from past social conditioning, which plagued my thoughts and made me anxious. Like I am in an invisible prison made by me, myself, and I, held in place by restrictive mental attitudes and social norms, lock downs and regulations, the changing wind of our times. I wanted to get free of this trailing negative dark side which drags your thoughts and feelings down, just as another part of yourself wants happiness freedom and life!
Raw Hide Realities
A neighbour once said in the heat of a daily discussion…’ Well you don’t care about anything”
At first I felt annoyed, then as she continued, my mind dived into self denial, and judged her as just being Narcissistic.
Not admitting that I to have a streak of Narcissism, and do have a DARK SIDE, that subconsciously condemns everything I don’t like or want, and blames, judges and vilifies every one’s actions to keep me looking perfect,(Cool, sweet, untouchable), totally incorruptible, innocent of all false claims, and accusations. (MSDS ..My s**t don’t stink).
So I became defensive, a little sarcastic, and “smart mouthed” back, as if I was some know it all judge mentalist that new every angle and had the best call on every situation.
(Come to think of it, as I write these thoughts, I realise this event situation was just a replay of past teaching of how to react to confrontation with others who are disagreeable).
So I raised these points 1) I shrank into the Psychology of the poor little boy, needing to be told what to say from Mother. 2) Within this social conditioning popped out the defences with a little body shake of fear. 3) I replied negatively to my neighbour out of social and parental conditioning as to how to handle confrontation. 4) Then answered by quick thinking and quick replies to cover my feeling tracks. 5) Then I felt admonished of fears, guilt and of being caught out, managing to squash the damage done to my defences. 6) Then how sweet it is to return to what I have been taught to know best….manipulative control. (Super Narcissism.
Conclusion
I hope that others that are similar to my life journey can relate to this writing and gain a little education and self help too. As we all need some one some time, to just listen to how what we say and how we feel. As it aids our Spiritual growth as wonderful human beings longing for Transition.
I definitely experienced all the above to where I realized I had hit rock bottom. I prayed for clarity, mental healing, joy, love and anything positive possible. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety in which emotions of hopelessness, self-loathe, and seizing to exist consumed me as a whole. It wasn’t until I dove into the unknown (scary as hell) and surrendered to the universe. I got clean. I allowed others to help me mentally and physically. I turned to my faith. I meditated. I read self-growth books. I chose vulnerability over ego. To this day, about nine months later, I still am learning more about myself. I guess you can call it “soul searching” and for once in a very long time, I honestly found my inner peace. I love who I am transitioning to and journal about my day with gratitude. For that, I have been able to embrace joy in the negatives and positives. An author, Jen Sincero wrote this quote in her latest book: “Control is fear. Surrender is faith.” Those words couldn’t have arrived at any time better than here in the present. This insightful page has made much more sense for me as well. Thank you!
I needed this article today. I woke up feeling nauseated because of what I was experiencing – and although it’s been going on for a few months now – and maybe even longer – probably up to a year – these past few weeks have been especially hard. I feel really disconnected, most of the sources where I find joy aren’t working in the same way, and I’m finding myself isolating and wanting to be alone to really hear what my soul is trying to say. I’m in a beautiful relationship, but he (on the surface and in his conscious mind) isn’t as concerned with matters of the soul – and so a lot of what I’m struggling with, he doesn’t necessarily resonate with the language for. It’s interesting, because I think he, too, is going through his own dark night.
In any event, I’ve been feeling a little lost, a little hopeless, and so today (because it felt so bad to just wake up), I went looking for answers and looked up all of the websites that I usually go to, and nothing really stood out to me, and then it crossed my mind – I miss Luna and Sol – and so I came here to lonerwolf, and right there at the beginning were my answers.
I cried reading this, and I’m crying now, I feel like I understand, but I also don’t know if I do. I also just read Luna’s article about “6 of the Most Powerful Questions to Ask for the Awakening Soul” (here, for anyone who wants to read it also: https://lonerwolf.com/questions-awakening-soul/) and I cried through that too – I just feel like I’m losing myself, and while I get that that’s part of things, I don’t know how to feel about it – I think I’ve been conditioned to believe that there’s not enough space for my emotions, and that I’ll fall apart if I’m in too deep.
I’m thankful for the community of people who visit this site and post, it helped me to remember that I’m not alone, and that it’s part of my nature, and a natural part of the journey, but I have to admit that sometimes I still feel hopeless, and I’m learning not to sit in those feelings for too long – I’m really trying not to hate life, even though I’m usually really quick to bear witness to beauty – I’m known as a person who is always trying to carry Light, but I don’t know – I’ve been tired.
Maybe the answer’s in my words though – I keep trying to carry Light when it’s already in me, is me, and I keep trying to fight darkness even though there’s learning there too, etc. Maybe I just keep fighting the truth of things. I know that these times pass, but this one, this shedding has been particularly difficult, and I know in hope that it’s because I’m getting closer and closer to my essential self.
Thank you both for all you do to keep us sane!
Thank you for posting this….I feel exactly the same.
I hope I can say this simple enough. But there is a lot that comes to mind when I read this. No you definitely are not alone. And I am so glad that I can start to say that about myself also. I think we are talking about a place that is in our hearts and the deepest part of who we are and where we come from. I have always wanted to open up more to someone, God is the only place I have found to be able to trust my heart with. But to share my heart with other people has been a scary ride to me. I can relate with what you said about your husband. I have had three relationships in my whole life two of them were marriages. Well I am still married to the third one (19 years next month). Don’t even think for a second that it’s all fairy tail dreamy kind of thing. This one has been the hardest most kind of messed up relationship that I can ever have imagined. Minus physical abuse we have been through a lot of hard things that I believe most people wouldn’t make it through. I believe it is grace that has helped us through. But at this time I find myself feeling something that reflects what you had talked about. I’m not feeling connected with him when it comes to this kind of stuff. I find myself thinking maybe this long messed up relationship is that way because of our lack of connection. I feel myself starting to get afraid of the idea that maybe I have been just waisting my time all these years. But then if that were true we wouldn’t be together still. I don’t believe he really knows me the way I would expect two people in a marriage for this long should. You said you were trying to not hate life. Boy is it ever an understatement to say I feel the same way. But I don’t think it’s so much about hating life as it is about hating the stuff that happens in it. Lonerwolf is freshly new to me. I have only read three articles and basically skimming over the top of them so far. But I can see that I am in a place I need in my life. There are a lot of new ways to word things in here that I have to become more familiar with. But they explain a lot of things I can see from inside myself but never had the words to talk or tell about it. One thing for sure is I can happily pronounce that I really am not “crazy”. From my own experience in my life I can help encourage this is real stuff and not something from my imagination. I believe that at least part of the reason for living this life has everything to do with learning especially of things we are or will be learning even from this website. It’s very exciting to me this too is no different than walking in the darkness. Ok so we need to do our shadow work. Which I wouldn’t know that if it wasn’t for my daughter bringing it to my attention. The understanding I have about it so far. I believe it is accurate to say it is true that we need to do that. We need experience this journey to reach the I will call higher understanding that we are looking for. Because this is having to do with” my life’s work. I just didn’t know it until now. When I find answers to my questions I also find excitement towards life that helps me to see life is worth it. The pain and happiness and everything in-between. When it comes to talking about the light that is the place we really want to be. Everything is so clear and we feel and know love… But I had a new thought as I was reading your post. … When we are in the light. It reveals things that I think that we would rather hide or not have to deal with. In the dark we are able to hide those things. But maybe when it comes to shadow work. Maybe that’s more like the obstacles that when in the light that makes shadows. I agree that people just want to ignore those obstacles or think they really are not there… I know I originally thought I just wanted to get past all those things that cause my shadows and move on to bigger and better things. I have been trying to deal with the things that cause my shadows. But I realize I haven’t dealt with the shadows. With the things I have worked on I have found a reason to keep trying, to keep believing. There are things to celebrate in life. But then there is always that dreadful crisis waiting around the corner to suprize you with doubt, and fear, and hopelessness, and all the things that go with all of that. Now it is brought to my attention that I have to walk through the dark because if I don’t I will never get to get to the other side of it into the light and be able to stay there. I believe some of the things we go through we try to get through too fast. We go over and over again. Just when you think you got past something it comes back to cause you the same pain and everything that goes with it. So when you talk about hating life. I guess I would want to ask you and/or bring to your attention, are you trying to put things away in your life that you try to go around,or try to do different without having to go through it? The world around us is falling apart. So many things are nothing but darkness. But I have had at least had some experiences that helps me to know that going through is harder but better than trying to go around things. I do believe trusting God during these kind of times is one of the most important things we can ever do. Not trying to be” preachey but I think He is super important to bring with us on all of our journeys. I’m sure if you don’t already know that, you probably will very soon. To me we can’t walk this walk without Him. At least that’s how it has been for me. Sorry to make this so long. It’s hard to find the right words to not make this not such a long post. I hope you can get what I mean about there is a reason to not hate life. Because I have found reason to not give up. But I have also recently learned I need to go through the things that I have tried to skip over thinking I was going to make my life better anyway. Just to live my life to find out it doesn’t work that way. Because of the one thing I just wanted it to be over and done with.
Thank you for your time to read this. I really hope it helps you.
I was simply sitting at my desk preparing an exam, I got distracted a moment despite my will and looked outside the window. Immediately my mind was captured by a though I couldn’t have hidden any more: death is inevitable, for everything, and I will be nothing again. This though made me wonder in my house without destination, it made me looking for my friends, following other people at work, just anything to feel distracted, but nothing could distract me cause nothing I saw in this world was safe. I felt that this is a terribile truth that I understood, cursing me and the others, those who look at me in this state. The infinite despair sucked me in a parallel dimensions why my body was still on earth, but unable to do or whish anything expect doing automated action like eating without having hunger or smiling to people without feeling anything. I even doubted I am existing. Or something ever existed. I felt this is the ultimate conclusion of my mind, a conclusion which can only make it destroy itself, a thing which I’ve felt inevitable since a long time. Before sleeping I was shaking, legs and arms, so strongly that the shaking waked me up often despite being really tired. I wish nothing in life could have changed this except death, or maybe death would have just prolonged this feeling without an end. Breathless despair follow this though. Is there something or someone which made alive and didn’t look forward to what I would have experienced? It must have been the most cruel inhuman entity it could ever exist.
Ultimately I felt like I had to be in nature, even though even nature couldn’t heal me any more, cause everything in nature will be nothing in the future like me and it was just confirmation of my despair. However, I felt sometimes I could focus on the present the present was so awesome! What an extraordinary world we live in. I didn’t now if this though made me happy or simply more sad cause this world will be lost, and perhaps new will come. But I felt that if I was freed by the annihilating vision of my mind I could run free again like a wild animal to enjoy this life and love this world which my soul deeply wants to do. If I only could have a reason or goal to do so. I doesn’t depend on me, but sometimes I feel again the breath of life and maybe God swollen my sails and pushing my body like a superpower, toward a thousand things I still have to do here. Most of time I am still consumed in a fight though.
I strangely felt joy at least reading a very accurate and sometimes exact description of what I was going through, while the rest of the world around me, and even me sometimes, tends to demenish and ignore it….
I can give this secondary email if someone wishes to share some thoughts with me: thelifemotif@gmail.com
(don’t look at it very often but I will try, and the name has nothing to do with this experience, I’ve just used it for things related to my animals.)
I really felt I had to share something of myself after reading this one!
There have been times where I have felt dispair about humanity and the world, and have always pushed it to the side to deal with ‘later’. In the past two years I have been broken down physically, emotionally, and mentally, through the birth of my daugher, followed by illness, and now current events have meant being, again, unable to work so I found I have run out of excuses not to tackle the question of my spiritual self!
In October this year I experienced an acute sense of unworthiness, and lack of interest in everything. And rage, a week of terrible rage, disillusionment, huge loss, a touch of hopelessness, and plenty of fear. I felt duty bound to see my doctor who prescribed me antidepressants. I kept the unopened pack of them on the side as a safety net, and gave myself another three days.
Then there was a week of feeling like an empty cup. No ambition, no anger, a little stab of fear (was I ok or loosing my mind)! But I was no longer striving for control. A very different path for me. I found i could trust in myself to just be suspended and wait to see what happened.
I actively sort out darkness to sit and walk in. Have found a strong attraction to fire for letting go, and had an amazing walk one night under the moon. Walking up a hill in the pitch black toward a full moon, I felt like I was traveling beyond the distance I had physically walked! The questions on my mind were:
Am I supposed to be part of this world?
Do I have a place and purpose here?
Mists covered and uncovered the houses in the valley below, and as I walked back they were covered again. I felt I was shown that the world hadn’t changed, but I really had. Looking back it has a dream like quality but at the time I was VERY present. Open and on the look out for answers!
I started on a path of reading this website, doing CBT, and daily guided meditation. It’s been two months since the rage. I can’t articulate some things but what I can say is that I’ve made peace with an inner child impression of being abandoned, I’ve let go of ‘lost’ time with my child when I was ill, I’ve accepted I’m wilder and fightier than I’ve previously thought socially acceptable, and realised that feeling slightly out of sync with other people (for the majority of my life) and judged not up to scratch compared to the rest of society (that’s my self talk talking) has actually been hiding the true fact that I couldn’t care less about what other people think and have simply felt guilty that that was the wrong thing to feel!
I feel my new take on myself is regularly challenge by society and daily occurrences but feel I have resources and resilience in the bank, which I haven’t felt in a LONG time.
I’m cracking on through the rest of this website and am in no doubt that more will resonate.
I wish anyone going through the same process courage to face the truth about your true nature, and a growing respect for yourself for all the decisions you have made up to this point to get you here in the best possible condition x
I’m glad I found this article. It soothed me. I read many of the comments. My disconnection the past year or so has been a feeling of my guardian spirits not around me. I went through a lot of loneliness, sadness, melancholy, powerlessness, isolation, anger and fear of never being able to live forever. I’m still struggling but now I’m ok with isolation. I’m ok sitting with myself now and enjoy my own company. All of a sudden I realize I enjoy just listening to the wind blowing through the trees and listening to the birds. I’ve begun a small garden. My taste in music has changed. I feel like I’ve connected with the universe. I’m just calmer now. Some days are worse than others. I’m still growing but I feel the change in me. I dont need the toxic people I’ve had in my life. I just don’t feel as desperate or in despair. 2 years I’ve been struggling with whatever this is but now I’m seeing a light….