Have you ever felt completely drained, depleted, and exhausted around a particular person, for no apparent reason?
If so, you may have come across an energy vampire.
And they’re more common than you think.
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If you feel perpetually “sucked dry” by the people in your life, it’s time to get help.
Table of contents
What is an Energy Vampire?
An energy vampire is a person who feeds off your emotional or psychic energy. People who display energy vampire traits generally lack empathy, consideration, and/or emotional maturity. As a result of the pain or insecurity they feel inside, energy vampires are addicted to preying on the vitality of others as an attempt to heal their inner suffering.
Essentially, an energy vampire could be anyone such as a friend, family member, colleague, acquaintance, child, son or daughter, or even a romantic partner. If youโre a highly empathetic caring person, itโs also possible to actively attract energy vampires into your life. Unfortunately, if youโre a highly sensitive person who doesn’t know how to set boundaries, itโs quite likely that youโre already surrounded by energy vampires left, right, and center.
Energy vampires are attracted to you because they unconsciously desire to resolve a deeper problem within their psyches โ and they perceive YOU as the solution to their problems.
6 Energy Vampire Types

While itโs easy to feel resentful towards energy vampires, itโs important to remember that they havenโt developed the capacity to deal with their issues yet.
Energy vampires prey on others because they are in pain. However, the important thing to remember is that you are NOT responsible for resolving their issues. THEY are responsible for sorting out their struggles.
Often, an energy vampire leaves us feeling so drained that we are incapable of taking care of ourselves. As a result of constantly interacting with an energy vampire, we might feel chronically fatigued, depressed, anxious, irritable or angry.
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Itโs vital that you learn how to โdraw the lineโ and set boundaries around these types of people. Without learning how to identify the different types of energy vampires in your life, it can be difficult for you to practice self-nurturing and assertiveness.
Here are the six main energy vampire types out there:
1. The Victim or Martyr Vampire
Victim or Martyr Vampires prey off your guilt. Victims/Martyrs believe that they are โat the mercyโ of the world and suffer primarily due to other people. Instead of taking self-responsibility for their lives, Victim/Martyr Vampires continually blame, manipulate, and emotionally blackmail others. The dysfunctional behavior of the Victim/Martyr Vampire is due to their extremely low self-esteem. As their issues most likely stem from a lack of love, validation, and approval as children, Victim/Martyr Vampires feel fundamentally unworthy and unacceptable โ and they try to resolve this pain by underhandedly gaining sympathy/empathy from you by making you feel guilty.
How to nurture your energy: When youโre around a Victim/Martyr Vampire, be aware of their self-pity cues. For example, a self-pity cue could be the personโs tendency to blame another person for their suffering, or perhaps a description of how terrible their day has been. Donโt get involved in their self-pity. Limit your interaction with them if possible.
2. The Narcissist Vampire
A Narcissist Energy Vampire has no capacity to show empathy or genuine interest toward other people. Narcissist Vampires carry the unconscious philosophy of โME first, YOU second.โ Therefore, Narcissist Vampires will constantly expect you to put them first, feed their egos, and do what they say โ no matter what. Narcissist Vampires will also manipulate you with false charm, but will just as quickly turn around and stab you in the back when the fancy strikes them. If you have a Narcissist Vampire in your life, you might feel a sense of extreme disempowerment as you feel crushed beneath their limelight and self-absorption.
How to nurture your energy: If youโre unable to cut away this person from your life right now, try to limit contact. You could also show the Narcissistic Vampire how your requests satisfy their self-interest, particularly if youโre in a working relationship.
3. The Dominator Vampire
Dominator Vampires love to feel superior and like โalphaโ males or females. Due to their deep inner insecurities of being โweakโ or โwrongโ (and therefore hurt), Dominator Vampires must overcompensate by intimidating you. Often Dominator Vampires are loud-mouthed types of people who have rigid beliefs and black-and-white perceptions of the world. They are often racist, sexist, homophobic, and/or bigoted.
How to nurture your energy: Agree to disagree. Practice calm assertiveness when necessary and limit your contact with Dominator Vampires. Realize that their attempt to scare you is sourced from their deep fear of being dominated and thus hurt.
4. The Melodramatic Vampire
The Melodramatic Energy Vampire thrives on creating problems. Often, their need to create constant drama is the product of a dark underlying emptiness in their lives. Melodramatic Vampires also love seeking out crises because it gives them a reason to feel victimized (thus special and in need of love), an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and avoidance from lifeโs real issues. Another reason why Melodramatic Vampires enjoy creating drama is that the negative emotions that they feed off are addictive (such as anger).
How to nurture your energy: Refuse to take sides or be involved in the Melodramatic Vampire’s pot-stirring. Pay attention to the patterns in their behavior and the triggers that make you want to get involved. Create distance and remove them from your life if possible.
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5. The Judgmental Vampire
Due to their severely low self-worth, the Judgmental Energy Vampire loves to pick on other people. Their treatment of others is merely a reflection of how they treat themselves. Judgmental Vampires enjoy preying on your insecurities and bolstering their egos by making you feel small, pathetic, or ashamed.
How to nurture your energy: Remember that true self-worth must come from within. Refuse to take what the Judgmental Vampire says personally. Be aware of their deeper pain and their need to feel good about themselves. When you get defensive, you lose. Keep a balanced head, and try being sweet to them (that really throws them off balance!). Reduce, or cut off contact with them if possible.
6. The Innocent Vampire
Energy Vampires arenโt always malicious, as is the case with Innocent Vampires. Sometimes they can be helpless types of people who genuinely need help such as children or good friends who come to rely on you too much. Itโs wonderful to help those you care about, but itโs also important that you encourage them to be self-sufficient. Playing the role of the constant “rock” or support will eventually erode your energy. As a result, youโll have little energy to support yourself.
How to nurture your energy: Helping those in need is a display of compassion and love, but you also need to remember to love yourself. Gently remind the Innocent Vampire in your life that you need time to yourself as well. Encourage them to develop strength, fortitude, and resilience so that you can remove the role of constant caretaker or giver.
How to Identify the Energy Vampire
So how can you know whether you’re dealing with an energy vampire or not? You’ll likely experience feeling:
- Overwhelmed
- Stressed
- Physically ill (e.g., headaches, body aches, etc.)
- Mentally or physically exhausted
- Irritable and/or anxious
You may notice that most Energy Vampires display many of the following characteristics:
- Big ego, e.g., loves to debate, argue, and pick fights
- Aggressive or passive-aggressive tendencies
- Paranoia
- Resentment and anger issues
- Narcissism
- Melodramatic behavior
- Whining and complaining
- Bitching and gossiping
- Insecurity, e.g., the constant need for reassurance and acceptance.
- Manipulative behaviors, e.g., guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, etc.
- Jealousy
Energy vampires tend to take more than give. They use others for their own means without really considering how the other person is feeling.
It’s also important to understand that Energy Vampires are not always necessarily human beings. They can also be situations or even physical objects in your life. Examples include:
- The internet
- The TV
- Other electronic devices (e.g., the radio, mobile phone, etc.)
- Public situations (e.g., crowds, parties, train stations, shopping centers, etc.)
- Animals (e.g., neurotic pets)
When all is said and done, however, the hardest Energy Vampires to handle are those within your own family or friendship circle. How can we regain our vitality in such energy-sucking relationships?
10 Ways to Cope With Energy Vampires
Here are some empowering way to handle Energy Vampires:
1.ย Stop making prolonged eye-contact
One of the biggest energy absorbers out there is eye contact. The more eye-contact you make, the more you engage with the other person and what they have to say. Only occasional eye-contact is necessary with Energy Vampires, otherwise, you’re giving them direct access to one of your most precious and limited resources (energy).
2.ย Set a time limit
Your time is precious as well, and it’s not necessary for you to sit around for 1 or 2 hours having your energy zapped and brain numbed. According to your energy level, set a limit of 5, 10, 15, 20 minutes where you can give your focus to the person, and no more.
3.ย Learn not to react
This is crucial. The Energy Vampire feeds off your reactions, fueling them to continue interacting with you. It’s important for you to learn how to be neutral in your interactions with EV’s, meaning that you should carefully monitor how you feel and prevent yourself from expressing overly positive or negative emotions. Too much emotion will let them sink their fangs into you even more (it’s irresistible). Learning not to react is also known as the grey rock method in which you make yourself so boring and uninteresting that the other person loses interest in you.
4.ย Learn not to argue or contradict
Yes, it’s tempting, but in the long run, you can’t change other people unless they change themselves first. The more you resist them, the more they will resist (and drain) you.
5.ย Go with other people
Approaching the Energy Vampire with 1, 2 or 3 other people will provide a powerful buffer and reduce the amount of energy that will be drained from you. For this trick to work, you need to ensure that the additional people aren’t psychic leeches either.
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6.ย Listen more than talk
A lot of the time Energy Vampires simply want and need a listening ear. The more you talk, the more energy you tend to lose (especially if you’re introverted). Using short words/questions such as “why?” “when?” and “how?” will encourage the EV to do most of the talking, which in turn will help preserve your energy.
7.ย Try sticking to light-hearted topics
Your conversations don’t need to be depressive and oppressive. Take control when necessary and change the topic of conversation to something more light and simple.
8.ย Visualize
Many people claim that visualizing protective light/energy shields around them helps to deflect psychic fatigue, and maintain a neutral and calm state of mind. Try it some time and see how it impacts your mental and emotional wellbeing.
9.ย Avoid when possible
Although not always possible, avoiding the energy vampire is a simple and straightforward technique to assist in your self-preservation. I don’t recommend avoidance as a consistent solution, as the less you come in contact with the Vampire/s the less opportunity you’ll have to develop and put into practice useful and necessary life skills (like assertiveness and creating personal boundaries).
10.ย Cut off contact
This is the last resort. Sometimes for your own health and happiness, you need to make difficult decisions regarding who you choose to surround yourself with. In the end, if you continue to suffer, the best option may be to simply cut ties and move on.
Showing Compassion to Energy Vampires
Let’s face it: there’s a lot of harsh information out there condemning Energy Vampires. Yes, it’s true that they’re tiring, annoying, and sometimes clearly narcissistic โ but not all of them have bad intentions.
Sometimes, Energy Vampires are simply well-meaning and normal people who are overbearing and starved for love, affection, attention, and validation.
In fact, sometimesย weย may be Energy Vampires to other people without even knowing it!
So let’s be kind toward ourselves and others, but draw clear boundaries. There’s nothing more energy-draining than secretly hating or resenting a person. In the interest of our own vitality and wellbeing, let’s try to see beyond the immediate behavior and understand that most Energy Vampires are in some sort of pain. Why else would they desperately be seeking out others to unconsciously “feed off”?
What to Do if You’re the Energy Vampire
If people consistently complain that you’re too overwhelming, intense, demanding, or overbearing โ you might be moving into the Energy Vampire role.
Don’t worry, you don’t need to be hard on yourself. Sometimes stress, mental health issues, core wounds, and inner traumas cause us to behave in ways that repel other people unknowingly.
Here’s what to do if you’re the Energy Vampire:
- Spend some time thinking about how you interact with others. Do you give more than take? Do you allow others to talk about themselves? Is there equality in the conversation? If not, and if you find that you’re hogging most of the attention, find ways to show interest in others. Remember, people take more interest in you if you take more interest in them. Be curious and ask questions. Be open to learning something new about others.
- Practice self-care. Assess how you’re feeling during the day and tune into your emotional needs. Are you feeling stressed or lonely? Make a soothing cup of tea or cuddle a pet or loved one. See our self-care article for more in-depth guidance.
- Make self-love a philosophy and habit.ย While self-care is the practical side of things, self-love is the philosophical and emotional side of things. What is your relationship with yourself like? Do you treat yourself with self-respect and compassion? Or are you brutal and critical? The more love you can show toward yourself, the less you’ll need to desperately try to gain that from others. In fact, the more self-love you develop, the more others will enjoy spending time around you as they’ll sense that you don’t want toย takeย something from them, but instead simply want toย beย with them. See our guide on how to love yourself for more help.
- Reach out to a counselor or therapist. Energy Vampires often have a desperate need to be seen, heard, validated, and supported. The best place to do this in a healthy and constructive way (that focuses exclusively on you without being detrimental) is in a therapeutic setting. There is so much psychological guidance available these days that you have a plethora of options to choose from. If you can’t make it to a counselor physically you can always try having an online Skype session.
- Do some inner work. Other than self-love, it’s also important that you work to heal your inner child and embrace your shadow self (the dark side of your nature). Doing this kind of deep inner excavation will help you to get to the root of the wounds and beliefs that cause you to act as an Energy Vampire. Read more about inner work to get started.
Be gentle with yourself and understand that growing out of the Energy Vampire habit is a journey. With dedication and persistence, you will find ways to nourish yourself instead of trying to absorb that from others.
***
At a sub-atomic level, all that exists in life is composed of vibrating atoms or pure energy. Even incorporeal things such as our thoughts, emotions, instincts, and sexual drives can be said to be composed of energy. Thus, we live in an ocean of motion, and like in the ocean โ or any environment on earth for that matter โ there are both predators and prey.
If you find yourself slipping into the role ofย prey,ย just know that there are strategies you can use to set clear boundaries and protect your energy.
On the other hand, if you find yourself in the role ofย predatorย (or Energy Vampire), be gentle with yourself and understand that such behavior is a result of unresolved inner pain and the need to desperately be seen. You can develop self-love to counteract this.
What are your experiences with energy vampires? And if you’re an energy vampire, what do you think motivates your behavior? I’d love to hear below.
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thank you so much Luna and Sol!!
I am a victim of allthese vampires they are my step family members they suck out my spiritual and physical energy
Sheher, I’m sorry to hear that โ hopefully now you feel more empowered in your ability to handle them. <3
hay again ya all if you read? so on my twin flame journey what started my accession journey ( as it never stops) i think its named kanduli orso …its a word , but the experience is hard, it trows you from left to right to i do not know or even i don’t want it anymore, i came reasonable out of it , although lost my TF as i name it …but its more one soul ….i had to stop this strange to me kind of relation as it became to tiring and not even being together …the pull and push phase sort of as there are many TF advisors i do not know anymore who is right ….but i always know and will when something is not ok ( even when a person is not there ) its a gift i have .i never trust a person who has a gift and they starting asking enormous amounts of money than i stop those but learn from the good they have said for free ( read the bible about this)
I fthey ask donations or a normal fair price it’s ok,thats why you keep the gift, the big ones as you can already see they slowly lose their gift ( guides take it away) .
i am now slowly coming out of a long time of tiredness did still help people and involved in cleaning up our mess on this once heavenly planet, helping although not rich porer street kids in India ,is our plight to do so . also i learned from another spiritual teacher a lesson about the TF unconditional love can also mean the one you love the most ( my the one soul) to leave and wish them the best life to have …and hopefully they will be triggered not to do again what they did ….i still believe in the world and feeling of Love, not so much of words but words are just words their most of the time not real ………..even the bible has been translated wrongly ( deliberately by the roman ( empire) church ….) . Jezus was send to show what love means and transform the world out of wars,,,,, sadly we did not never before in even modern history has there been so much wars ,,,,,slave,s and murders and now even worse ( or good ) our own species to be killed by smothering this great planet into our extension.
BTW or good i meant this out of perspective of the Planet itself it does not give a toss about us humans not a second …as it will turn and turn every day whit or whit out us till the next humankind species will arise ( as before ) as time is our invention ….Love will win .
I was all of these at one point, I still kind of am. But I am working with a psychologist on healing my past traumas and its been helping tons and I’m learning how to make my own energy, its weird because I have no idea what my own energy is but its better than leaving people drained and secretly hating me for things I had no control over.
Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. <3 Keep up the great work!
I too recognised myself in the list that you had written and have recently so. It’s true what you write that, at times, life and the challenging situations it can bring, can overwhelm an already taxed person. However, where I sit now (still working on it) I can see what I needed to give myself. Kindness, self compassion and getting to know where I start and others begin. I am a work in progress who has recognised all the times that I abandoned myself by being harsh, judgemental, unforgiving and walking around with boundaries that were permeable. The deep heartache of feeling grief, loss and allowing the experience of these feelings is beginning to empower me.
The teachings of Buddha have helped me immensely
What to do if you yourself might be an energy vampire? Thousands of articles written on how to avoid โothersโ while I have not been able to find any that deals with identifying yourself as one and then steps to make changes. If you know of some, please provide some some guidance. Thank you.
Eva,
There is a book called Psychic Vampires by Joe Slate that might help you with this. I’m not sure it will help you decide whether you’re an energy vampire, but there are great exercises in there to help a person create their own energy.
Since people who are energy vampires drain the energy from others because they’re incapable of generating their own energy due to traumatic experiences, this would he of benefit whether or not you are one.
He also explains all of this in the book. It’s been awhile since I read it so I can’t definitively say, but I believe there’s info in there that would help you identify whether or not you are an energy vampire.
There is also a school of thought that says we’re all energy vampires to one degree or another, so try to not worry too much about whether you are. Even if you were, are, or have been in the past, emotional/spiritual healing is the key to being able to produce your own energy. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you’re willing to seek healing, you’ve made the first step.
Can an energy vampire have a combination of traits that fall into several of the categories listed above? I am asking this because there are certain people in my life (who unfortunately happen to be family members) who clearly are energy vampires. I feel irritated, tired, bored, frustrated and utterly drained emotionally if I have to spend any time around them. One, in particular.
This individual is an older female relative, whose presence I find intolerable. She is most definitely an energy vampire, but has behavioural traits that seem to fit into several different categories (e.g. martyr, judgemental, dominator, narcissist, melodramatic). She is extremely tedious company, as she always wants to talk about nothing but herself, her life, her experiences. If you try to cut in, she will even make comments like “I’m not interested in your life, or your background”. She talks endlessly about the past, but if anyone else talks about the past she will but in and say she “doesn’t want to talk about the past”. Whenever she talks about herself, it is always with the aim of making herself look perfect. She took early retirement after being faced with the sack, but always talks about her job as though she was perfect at it. She boasts about her knowledge as though she is superior to others – always trying to recommend books that she thinks they should read, or films they should watch, or telling them what to wear, or how to cook a certain meal. She gives this “advice” without ever being asked for it, and gets affronted if people point out they neither want nor need it. Also, some of the books she recommends or films she recommends are ones she has not read, or viewed, herself – she had simply heard of them in passing, but thinks it makes her look clever and cultured to pretend she knows about them and can recommend them to others. She is dull as ditchwater because she talks endlessly about herself.
It is not just her talk that is a problem. She is also extremely needy, clingy and demanding of attention. She invites herself to visit people without asking if it is acceptable, and just turns up without prior agreement, then gets offended if you say you did not expect a visit and are busy. She expects people to do chores and run errands for her all the time – even walking HER pet dog for her. Why get a dog if you can’t be bothered to walk it? She plays on being elderly and having aches and pains to guilt-trip people into doing things for her. She thinks nothing of making these demands, and just expects people to automatically comply. If they say they are busy, just about to go out, or haven’t time to do something she wants, she will accuse people of being selfish, or moan that they don’t care about her. She expects constant contact and attention – endless visits, phone calls, people taking her out shopping, taking her to dinner. People coming to listen to her talk about herself. This is reaching a point where it appears that she is unable to see that people have their own, separate, lives and do not always have time for her demands.
She constantly moans about aches and pains, exaggerated illnesses, or age-related concerns. But if other people – the ones she makes demands of – are unwell she completely does not care. You could be coughing your guts up in front of her, or covered in cuts and bruises, but if she wants something out of you, she will ignore this. Sometimes she will even try to COMPETE with you, trying to claim that even of you ARE ill, she is MORE ill. So, for instance, she may have to accept that you are ill if, say, you are having surgery – BUT she will still try to tell you about a time SHE had surgery, and it was FAR WORSE than yours! If you have flu, SHE will have pneumonia (imaginary, of course). If you have menstrual pain, she will have had it too, but much more agonizing. What type of person needs to compete to be the most ill? It’s truly bizarre!
She also pretends to be this holier-than-thou, such a nice person, especially when she’s trying to get something out of you. She constantly talks about how kind and caring she is, and how often she goes to church, as though this proves she is a nice person. But, next minute, she will be calling the nextdoor neighbour unpleasant names, or criticising young people for being “hooligans”, or moaning about the fact that the man who runs the corner shop is a “paki”. She is racist, sexist, homophobic and extremely bigoted. Despite going on and on about HER job, she firmly believes that all other women should not work, and criticises “selfish career women” who do not stay at home and have kids!
Worst of all, if, however, somebody does NOT do as she demands, or if she feels they can see through her fake persona of “nice Christian old lady”, she gets really nasty. She will insult people to their face, then claim it was a “joke” or they “misheard”, or are “too sensitive”. She spreads negative gossip behind people’s backs, like some sort of smear campaign. She is hostile and critical if she suspects that anyone has better qualifications, a better career, a nicer house, a more expensive car, is better looking, has a more fun personality… or anything else that might upstage her, and rob her of her chance in the “limelight”. She seems to need to hog the “limelight” at all times. She will use guilt-trips, crocodile tears, and any number of other manipulative tactics to get what she wants. She is not even above STEALING, and has stolen from her own family members (myself and my husband).
It surely must be obvious this person is an emotional vampire, but she clearly has behaviours relating to many different types of emotional vampire? Does that make her something else? A narcissist, maybe? Or can some emotional vampires show multiple problematic sides to themselves?
What puzzles me is that some people seem to fall for her nonsense, and give in to her demands. This just feeds her ego, and gives her the impression that she can get away with her behaviours. I try to draw a line – the fact she stole off me showed me her TRUE nature, and I can never fall for her rubbish and fakery again. However, when she suspects a person can see through her, she totally goes into an all-out attack. Is this why other people just cave in to her? Or are they some kind of “flying monkeys” who are utterly sucked-in by her to the point of being almost complicit enablers? Either way, the less people call her out, the harder it makes things for anyone who can truly see through her.
How do people deal with emotional leeches like these? Even trying to cut them out of your life is difficult, because they then blame YOU for being “unkind” and “insensitive” and spread this blame in the form of negative gossip round everyone they know – usually including people YOU know, too. You are then faced with pressure from other people, who think they mean well, but pester you with phone calls, letters, visits and suchlike asking why you don’t see the vampire, complaining you are a bad person for “abandoning them”, and even trying to bring the vampire back into your life. This vampire knows NO boundaries – she will go to your employer to spy on you, seek information or gossip. She will go to your neighbours, relatives, kids (if you have them), work colleagues, social associates – she will go to anyone she knows you have contact with, to try to get information on you, or to spread negative rumours about you. She will bombard you with calls, texts, e-mails. If you block them, she will spy on your social media accounts, or get others to do this for her. And if you try to call her out on her behaviour, she will deny and deny it until you force her to face up to it, but then she will accuse YOU of causing an argument. She will even turn on the waterworks, and claim that YOU are abusive!
I suspect this woman is insane, but she would NEVER see a therapist, counsellor or psychiatrist. She looks down on people she believes are “mental”, even if they are not. So, how do you go about dealing with a person like this?
By the way… I am so, so very sorry for the long post, and if it seems like a rant… I just found this article, and it struck a chord, and I realised there was so much of this kind of thing going on in my family. My husband and I are just bored to tears with it all. Please, if anyone has any helpful tips and advice as to how we may deal with energy vampires in the family (especially the one mentioned above, who makes life around her hell) please, I would be so grateful.
Thank you in advance. Thank you for giving me a space to discuss this.
Ennui,
From my experience it is best if you put up very strong boundaries with this individual. Second, forgive her for anything you feel she did wrong. Last, the more attention you pay to something, the more it shows up. Be blessed..
Yes, you can have an individual fit into several of the categories. I have a family member like this. I didn’t know about the concept of energy vampires but it struck a cord with me when i read this. What I have done that has brought instant relief is to limit contact and decide on what terms I will interact with them. Boundaries……and stick to it.
Sounds like you’re trapped in an energy mesh in the family.
If you have to continue contact try and work through the strongest member of the group who may be unkonowingly feeding this.
I just hope it’s not you -as you have much insight !
Thanks Ennui, for sharing this. I’ve recently been overthinking my dealings with someone clingy and invasive that more or less matches the pattern with some variations. It’s not all totally black-and-white, but certainly, I’ve had issues with that person that I’ve only had with that peculiar type of personalities before, who exhibit what I call the “needy-judgemental-invasive-paranoid” quadriga. All one can do is watch out for these signs and not fall for the “they-have-it-hard-so-I-should-be-nice-to-them-trap” in the future. Once they have crossed certain boundaries, it’s hard to get rid of them, let it be because they are too much involved within your personal circles, or your emotional life – I should point the finger at myself for being occasionally co-dependent. :) It’s a rare case with very few people, but they certainly can trash one’s own backyard, if you let them and don’t shut the doors for good.
And as for labelling the case you mentioned, I would say from afar that it’s a blend of narcissism, borderline personality disorder with a profound victim mentality or aptness to play the victim. My bet: cluster B personality disorders meet cluster A. (more on this on wikipedia) *sigh* Some people…. :)
As for dealing with them: In one of my cases getting allies helped a lot, hearing other similiar and complementing perspectives about her behaviour and forming a network to counteract her bullying, gaslighting and other shenanigans. As soon as she realized that the ranks were closing against her, she started cutting out the people I was in touch with and me. She clearly had a severe and complex mental illness and possibly trauma, but a mental illness and having *maybe* experienced something horrible herself is not a carte blanche for that kind of persons to get their way with anyone.
It might be an explanation, but it definitely is not an excuse.
So, albeit you may not read this, Ennui, being alone with your husband in this might not be enough. If it does affect too many others, collaborate with others and collectively create firm boundaries, and if things are as you do describe them, basically cut them out for once and for all. As dealing with such people might come with a lot of resentment, it is of course a fine line between creating boundaries and feeling vengeful and bullying back – which can have horrid consequences as well.
Is there a 7th type of energy vampire? I have experienced many people who ‘make chaos’ in conversation. They constantly go ‘off topic’, insert a joke in the middle of an important conversation (and then say I’m too serious when I try to stay on task), or bring in wildly irrelevant information to the topic. I find it very draining to keep circling back to the subject at hand! After several times, I have lost my own concentration and just give up.
Conversational narcissists. They may also have ADHD, bipolar disorder (manic phase), or all of the above. The one I recently had to kick out of my life is likely all three. While the talking chaos is a classic symptom of neurological disorders (I gather some autistic people can have similar behaviors) and mania, this person used it to control me, suck my energy, get attention and reactions, and make herself feel better than. Don’t wait until you get sick or PTSD to do something about it. It can be a sneaky tactic of covert aggression and manipulation. I tried to set boundaries 100 times over 7 or 8 years to no avail.
Many experiences, but my current sitch is the hardest and most draining and debilitating, but I think that is because I am more aware of the concept now than before. Previously Iโd also call it other things, like narcissist or some other dominate trait, but now Iโm thinking and like this broader term of energy vampires. Also like idea of not needing to know why or the source, but just protect yourself. Anyway, Iโve done a lot of energy work on myself through visualization and meditation in groups and solo and I do find it magical at times but now is not one of those times, itโs feeling too much;either Iโm not doing my meditation practices as well or this person is just too strong for me or itโs probably a mix of many factors but Iโm feeling beat a lot of the time and itโs my roommate and coworker. And Iโm just so curious if other people are as affected as me (I mean I know they are not because they donโt live with her) but still if they see it or if other people close to her have experienced something similar. Do you think that energy vampires affect a group of people or more so single persons?
Thank you so much for this. You bring a lot of clarity on a past relationship I am trying to put behind me. My ex partner is number 1, 2 and 4 together. It was very difficult, but I’m getting back to myself now.
I don’t agree with the innocent vampire label. I think there are covert and overt narcissists but true vampiric action would result in verbal or non verbal tips that they are causing distress of another on some level or the vampire would actually see the others health and happiness decline and chose to not acknowledge they are the cause or the person absolutely knows and covertly continues the drain others acting as though they are confused and just darn unaware of their actions. IMHO this innocent ploy is more of gaslighting and lack of awareness on all levels. At some level they know they must get to you because they feel better not worse when getting their desired outcome – regardless if they label their behavior.
While some people are deceptive and do gaslight, it is possible for a person to be both extremely needy and insensitive to the effect their neediness has on a particular other person. It is possible to be an “innocent” vampire, especially when a needy and insensitive person stumbles upon someone with weak boundaries — it’s entirely possible that the ‘vampire’ would back off if they were asked to on any given occasion. When you say that “the vampire would actually see the others health and happiness decline and chose to not acknowledge they are the cause,” it’s not necessarily true the ‘vampire’ would perceive it (some don’t have the habit of staring at others as they talk, blocking them off from occasionally important signals), nor is it true that they’d automatically conclude they were the cause of the drain (especially if they don’t know many of the details of the person’s day-to-day life). They may even be under the delusion that the other person enjoys and benefits from the exchanges. For example, if I tell someone of a tragedy from my life, I may be trying to open up a line of communication and express my understanding of something from their life, or I may be trying to express sympathy with them … even though the other person could perceive it as a drain on their resources.
But what struck me the most strongly is the last sentence of your reply:
— there’s nothing wrong with getting a desired outcome from an interaction. In fact, it was my belief that in most voluntary interactions, everyone ends up feeling some sort of benefit, and that’s why people participate in them. If I’m wrong about that, I’ve got a lot to re-learn. :-/
My 2 daughters 34 and 37 would constantly tell me how rotten I am until I gave in or they made me cry. My ex husband would tell me that nobody would want me and I was dirt under his feet. I’m learning now not to feel shame and guilt. Im going to be 56 and now I’m starting to take my power back but since I moved from NJ to PA I really have no one to talk to but a couple of people and I can’t express my feelings. I still hide my feelings and cry alone.