The media equates us with the mentally ill psychotics who go on murderous rampages. Society follows with resounding cries of: “no friends, no fun! No friends no fun!” And we, the loners, feel an immense pressure to change ourselves. We want to hide our faces in shame, increasingly rejecting ourselves more and more, and our way of life. So what’s wrong with being a loner exactly?
1# The Only Problem With Being A Loner Is Whether You Have A Problem With It.
In the end, you are the one who determines how you feel about yourself and other people. It’s true that nothing can hurt you unless you let it. Unfortunately, many loners have a problem with being loners. These involuntary loners have a problem with themselves firstly because they aren’t accustomed to being alone.
For instance, they may have found that through death, estrangement, poverty, or other misfortunes, that they have lost friends or family. Consequently, these people may have fallen into depression and distanced themselves from others, becoming loners. They may have also failed to re-establish connections with people after the shock of their life situation.
Secondly, many involuntary loners look for their self worth externally. When they observe the ideal of the “social butterfly” in all the magazines, Facebook walls, TV shows, books, movies and other media that floods their existence, they see how far they have fallen short. As a loner, I used to hate reading the blatherings of Facebook statuses, and how social everyone sounded. I felt depressed and perpetually like the outsider, the weirdo, and the lonely loner. This is the perfect example of how low self esteem can lead you to compare yourself with others. If you aren’t esteemed by other people, then immediately your own self esteem drops. Loners who fall into this category do not accept themselves because they aren’t accepted by others.
And thirdly, involuntary loners may have previously found their joy and stimulation outside of themselves. They therefore find it hard to accept and adapt to their situation. Through one reason or another, these loners may find themselves alone and alienated from other people. Immediately they find that no friends = no fun, and they wilt and fade by themselves, feeling bored and lonely.
So Why Are Loners So Disliked?
From school kids ostracizing us as being “weird losers”, to news columns condemning us as being serial rapists, loners have dealt with a lot over the past century. Take a close look at the following picture I took from searching the word “loner” a couple of months ago:
Notice how the word loner is constantly applied to tragic circumstances and the mentally unstable? As journalist Anneli Rufus points out in her Loner’s Manifesto, “loner” is a word crime writers love to use. It is constantly applied to what she calls pseudo-loners who, because of rejection, seek revenge. “They do not wish to be alone”, she writes, “their dislike of being alone is what drives them to violence.”
Basically, these people rely on others and need others to validate their existence, to build reputations, and to be accepted into social clans. Not being accepted burns. Being cheated by people burns even more.
What initiates the majority of violence, as pointed out by Rufus, is not being something – in this case a loner – but feeling something. “Anger. Envy. Desire. Betrayal. Resentment. Rejection. Love”. All these emotions are intimately bound up with other people – they are social motives, far removed from the quiet, self-sufficient loner. However, to make things fair, loners are not exempt from committing crimes. In the cases where loners truly are responsible for horrible crimes, we must not lose sight of the many social, charmingly gregarious criminals there have been: Capone, Heinrich Himmler, Bernard Madoff, Don Lapre, Ted Bundy.
So why does the media favor the loner-lunatic cliche so much anyway? I can see two different reasons why. Firstly, people don’t like what they can’t understand. It’s very easy to understand the need for social interaction and friendship. It’s harder to understand why others like solitude however. Don’t you feel lonely? No. Don’t you feel depressed? No. Do you hate people? No. Then why are you by yourself? I like it that way. What??
If you’ve never tried fried ice cream you won’t like it. Similarly, if you haven’t experienced the clarity and wholeness found in solitude, you will lack an understanding of those people who do. This can easily result in rejecting others out of confusion and fear of what we can’t comprehend. Hence why loners are ostracized and consistently thought of negatively.
The second reason is that since loners are already thought negatively of, the word “loner” is perfect for crime cases which demand a certain air of negativity and mystery. Labeling killers continually as “loners” is the perfect psychological trick to separate the psychopaths from the ‘normal’ people. They like being alone? We don’t understand that! They must be crazy!
Journalists like separating the murderous lunatics from the pack. No one wants to think that any normal citizen would commit such atrocious crimes. It’s a self denial and self defense, on that says “no one like me could do that”. So the loner is further ostracized, even to the point of losing their own humanity.
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I have known, been friends with, and read the stories of many loners. Charity working loners, thumb-sucking loners, book-reading loners, all perfectly content in their quiet world – not hateful towards humanity, or vengeful, or disturbed.
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When you ask yourself what’s wrong with being a loner, keep in mind that the very people who make you ask that question are fundamentally ignorant, confused and many times afraid of the unknown world of loners. All it takes to understand something is to ask questions and go exploring. If this is not even attempted blind prejudice – like that towards loners, can easily occur.
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If you have any opinions, feel free to add them to this discussion below. Also, feel free to take our Loner Test.
There is A LOT of prejudice regarding being a loner. Psychs try to make the world believe that being a loner is a ‘disorder’ of the so called ‘schizophrenia spectrum’ and that loners are potential schizophrenics, psychopaths and serial killers.
We have to undergo ‘therapy’ to turn us into ‘normal’ herd animals, and they even want to drug us with (among others) Bupropion, Risperidone and Olanzapine.
Because when you’re drugged, you will go with the flow like a zombie and then psychs say that is ‘normal’ behavior. Really, WTF…
They kill you mentally; they will break your spirit and turn you into someone you’re not.
DON’T BUY THIS CRAP, MY FELLOW LONERS!
BEING A LONER IS NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS!
AS A MATTER A FACT, THE PSYCHS ARE THE ONES THAT ACT LIKE REAL PSYCHOPATHS, THE WAY THEY (MIS)TREAT US!
I am a loner, not by choice but by circumstances seemingly beyond my control. I don’t mind being a loner sometimes because solitude can be quite peaceful and refreshing. However, the problem I have with being a loner is that it seems to get in the way of my love life and dating life. Women don’t seem to like loners. I suspect that they are either afraid of them or they just want to date the most popular guys, guys who always seem to run with a “posse” around them all the time and have lots of friends. “Bro’s” I guess you could call them. I would like to be one of those guys so I can get myself a pretty girlfriend. I knows that seems selfish of me but that’s how I feel. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.
When did you published this article?
I’m a loner as well, but from what I’ve read so far, it seems like some acclaimed loners on here aren’t very nice people at all. After reading this article, some people are like “we’re better than none loners”. Why can’t you just be equal? Sure a lot of extroverted people can be excluding of others and conceited, but you’re no better if you’re being just as egotistical as them. Anyways, I enjoyed this article. I thought there was something wrong with me when I began college and spent all my time alone in the dorm, but I eventually learned to accept myself. I made the mistake of getting into my first relationship with a narcissist who didn’t accept the fact that I was extremely introverted and just wanted me to make him look good to his friends. If you’re a loner and you happen to want a romantic relationship, make sure that person accepts you as you are.
I’ve lived alone for 60 years. I’ve no relatives left and no close friends, although I’ve worked with many people over the years. Another loner and I used to name each other when medical entrance forms asked who to notify. A year ago, that guy died. Now, I hesitate to list his name and phone number, because after all these years, it won’t be long till some hospital will feel the need to call. I may list the Neptune Society instead, but they know what to do only if I happen to be dead. Perhaps someone can tell me if there’s a society that responds when you’re still alive.
I am an extreme introvert and self proclaimed loner. I always have been a loner. Even when I was a kid, I hated parties and hanging out in large groups.
These days, I have no girlfriend and no intent to ever get married, no kids, I moved thousands of miles from the few friends and family I have (although I do visit every few months), and I own my own online business meaning I hardly ever have to leave the house. I am a loner by choice and I’ve purposely distanced myself from society. I can sometimes go a week or longer with zero human interaction.
…Funny thing is, I’m the happiest and friendliest guy I know. I have total and complete freedom over every aspect of my life. I do what I want when I want for as long as I want and wherever I want. There are no compromises in my life. I call all the shots. As misunderstood as I might be, I would never give up this life of ultimate freedom and drama/stress free living.
Solitude is a funny thing. Being alone with oneself for an extended period of time can be a blessing or a curse. Some people learn to love themselves through solitude while others learn how much they actually hate themselves.
Ironically, the only time I truly feel alone is when I’m in a crowd. My solitude is like a drug. I love it, I crave it, and if I don’t get enough of it I experience many withdrawal symptoms. I only wish everyone could experience the serenity of solitude. Instead, so many fear it, presumably because they fear getting to know themselves intimately.
Introverts comprise of the largest group of people who have never had a single meeting. Just the way we like it!
You remind me of myself, except that I don’t believe that solitude is like a drug because calling something like a drug conjures up more than negative connotation to me.
Also to me, extroversion’s like a drug, especially since many people seem to prefer it to introversion due most of the world catering to extroverts instead of introverts .And so, I value my introversion and independence over the conformity of my biased opposites.
Oops. I meant to put “one” between “than” and “negative.” My bad.
Hi I’m a loner when I took the test.I don’t know if I chose to be a loner or if I just like to be alone but it’s all I hear.My family gets angry at me because I don’t what to go with them or do anything with them and my mother says she gives up on me and after all that she gets upset for nothing even after she said that.Please can someone tell me what’s wrong with me I’m 14 and I don’t even know who or what I am please someone tell me and help me
Feeling lonely is worse than being alone. Once your dad convinces you that he was right to smash you against the wall for a sigh- You need to be alone to be happy. Even to sigh. There’s no fixing the past person we became- no relearning our youth. I play the hands I’m dealt- the game is solitaire.
Since I was younger, I’ve always wondered why the others didn’t seem interested in hanging out with me. I was never ostracized but the students never gravatad towards me. Even at 52, I still don’t have a lot of people (co-workers church members)that gravitate towards me, but on occasion I’ll have an acquaintance want to strike up a conversation with me, but to dive into a friendship, never seems to take place. It took this long in my life to finally realize that my higher power, for me it is God, kept these relationships from developing for a reason, because deep down inside being a loner, a semi recluse, is what I really wanted, and there is nothing wrong with that, that’s what I am. So now I look at rejection as something that is meant to happen which keeps the sadness from taking over.
Great article. I am an only child.. male.. now in my 40’s, own my own home, Single, Living alone. Mostly homebound though I have a successful career and do enjoy (occasional) going out with a work friend and his wife. Since early childhood I was considered a “loner” that would only have one close friend at a time I would hang out with… Though I have suffered since childhood of social anxiety. There has always been a theme in society I bought into that I need to push my comfort zones.. However, when I was dating the love of my life, who was a socialite, I found that it never got “more comfortable” and I was always in a state of discomfort socially trying to fit in with someone else s group of friends . I had an epiphany after years that the old saying is garbage.. If you keep going outside your “comfort” zone and never get comfortable what is the point? So I stuck to only close meaningful relationships where there was not some large group alpha/beta experiment. Problem is, once I reached my mid 30’s all those meaningful friendships were lost once they married and had kids.. As much as I tried, a single guy just doesn’t fit in with his married friends as those friends seek out other married friends with kids. Now that has put me into a path of loner/homebody. While I did not mind being a loner when I had Friends I could hang with when I got lonely, not having those friend and not having the ability to connect when I feel lonely has been tough. Even when I get lonely however, I am still stubborn in that I would rather be alone then endure though casual idle shallow group relationships. And I have also avoided the “pity” invites some through out the the third wheel. I hold no blame or animosity, but rather a deep sense of discomfort and social awkwardness at being a third wheel.
I am a loner because I love being alone……this is simply the most profound article I have ever read.Real beauty in simplicity.My birthday was yesterday;the gift came today in the form of this article.
Thank you
I want to thank you for writing this wonderful post. As a proud loner it is very difficult to be understood properly in this loud, crazy world. I love writing, reading, and learning about anything that catches my attention. I sincerely see no need to go socialize, hang out bars, clubs, etc. it is not my idea of fun, it is stressful and telling anyone who isn’t like me, they wonder what the hell is his problem? After a long time of questioning why I am like this, I realize that I enjoyed being a loner and the only reason I thought I hated it is because of society’s expectations of me.
People told me I needed more friends, to go out more, and questioned if I liked people. I felt like an outsider at times for being a loner but I realize that it’s just people’s lazy way of labeling something that they don’t understand. I have always been like this and I tried to conform but I realized that it’s useless. You have to be yourself and do what makes you happy. For me that is writing my book until late at night, and feeling so satisfied after I’m done! In the end personal happiness and self-satisfaction is the only thing that matters. Not the what society wants you to be to fit into their version of “normal”.
Great article. My ex said I should seek counseling for being a loner! lol. I am a loner by choice and need very little external stimulation, I love it! People really don’t understand that as most people are social, most animals in general are social due to survival instincts. However, I have been very self sufficient since as far as I can remember. I do believe for those people who are not a loner by choice and it does not add goodness to their life being alone, should seek help though. harmonicliving101.com
So this is how they see loner’s huh..? other than thinking them as loser’s.. now my 13 year old brain understand’s now i will still stay as a loner.
Hi 17 years old teen over here ;3 english is not my native language so i apologise for all the grammar problems that i alredy did and im about to make ;3 Im a introvert as well that means loner too right ? hope so ;3 Sooooooo i read carefully your work. i mean ::What’s Wrong With Being a Loner?>> and im grateful . I LOVE to be alone . mostly because i dont want to make new friends unless they share my hobbys . in my case drawing and sports . i spend my free time drawing and listening to music . its really easy for me to make new friends through sport but i dont really want to because i like to be more distant and watch the people who surround me before i socialize with them .I fell like people dont understand me because im always alone and i hardly talk if im not asked .thats why when i talk all my classmates listen to me .beside that i enjoy my time alone and i dont care what others think about me because since i grew older i started to not care about many things .that made me uncertain when i was younger .when it comes to Love factor my thoughts are split in 3 sides 1 i try to find a girlfriend because i often fell lonley when i see other couples . 2 i ask myseld if i really want to be in a relationship .3 i cant find the right girl for me because i have way to high expectations of what kind of girfriend i want {that goes way back when i decided to not accept any girl that is less like a person i admire } ok that sounds mean but i dont know how to say it so it sounds nice ;p . a loner too that would be probably the start point for me .there are many things that i still dont understand , would like to hear your thoughts about how should i approach a relationship since im shy when it comes to socialize with a girl im in love with ;3
p.s just commited grammar mass murder XD and i used the word ;because. like a 100 times since i was too lazy to search on the web for synonymes for it ;3 .
You excuse for a loner! A true loner wouldn’t commit grammar mass murder use humorous expressions like XD. After all, my kinds of loners don’t do them because they’re not the humorous types.