The media equates us with the mentally ill psychotics who go on murderous rampages. Society follows with resounding cries of: “no friends, no fun! No friends no fun!” And we, the loners, feel an immense pressure to change ourselves. We want to hide our faces in shame, increasingly rejecting ourselves more and more, and our way of life. So what’s wrong with being a loner exactly?
1# The Only Problem With Being A Loner Is Whether You Have A Problem With It.
In the end, you are the one who determines how you feel about yourself and other people. It’s true that nothing can hurt you unless you let it. Unfortunately, many loners have a problem with being loners. These involuntary loners have a problem with themselves firstly because they aren’t accustomed to being alone.
For instance, they may have found that through death, estrangement, poverty, or other misfortunes, that they have lost friends or family. Consequently, these people may have fallen into depression and distanced themselves from others, becoming loners. They may have also failed to re-establish connections with people after the shock of their life situation.
Secondly, many involuntary loners look for their self-worth externally. When they observe the ideal of the “social butterfly” in all the magazines, Facebook walls, TV shows, books, movies and other media that floods their existence, they see how far they have fallen short. As a lone wolf, I used to hate reading the blatherings of Facebook statuses, and how social everyone sounded. I felt depressed and perpetually like an outsider looking in, a weirdo, and a lonely loner. This is the perfect example of how low self-esteem can lead you to compare yourself with others. If you aren’t esteemed by other people, then immediately your own self-esteem drops. Loners who fall into this category do not accept themselves because they aren’t accepted by others.
And thirdly, involuntary loners may have previously found their joy and stimulation outside of themselves. They, therefore, find it hard to accept and adapt to their situation. For one reason or another, these loners may find themselves alone and alienated from other people. Immediately they find that no friends = no fun, and they wilt and fade by themselves, feeling bored and lonely.
So Why Are Loners So Disliked?
From school kids ostracizing us as being “weird losers”, to news columns condemning us as being serial rapists, loners have dealt with a lot over the past century. Take a close look at the following picture I took from searching the word “loner” a couple of months ago:
Notice how the word loner is constantly applied to tragic circumstances and the mentally unstable? As journalist Anneli Rufus points out in her Loner’s Manifesto, “loner” is a word crime writers love to use. It is constantly applied to what she calls pseudo-loners who, because of rejection, seek revenge. “They do not wish to be alone”, she writes, “their dislike of being alone is what drives them to violence.”
Basically, these people rely on others and need others to validate their existence, to build reputations, and to be accepted into social clans. Not being accepted burns. Being cheated by people burns even more.
What initiates the majority of violence, as pointed out by Rufus, is not being something – in this case a loner – but feeling something. “Anger. Envy. Desire. Betrayal. Resentment. Rejection. Love”. All these emotions are intimately bound up with other people – they are social motives, far removed from the quiet, self-sufficient loner. However, to make things fair, loners are not exempt from committing crimes. In the cases where loners truly are responsible for horrible crimes, we must not lose sight of the many social, charmingly gregarious criminals there have been: Capone, Heinrich Himmler, Bernard Madoff, Don Lapre, Ted Bundy.
So why does the media favor the loner-lunatic cliche so much anyway? I can see two different reasons why. Firstly, people don’t like what they can’t understand. It’s very easy to understand the need for social interaction and friendship. It’s harder to understand why others like solitude however. Don’t you feel lonely? No. Don’t you feel depressed? No. Do you hate people? No. Then why are you by yourself? I like it that way. What??
If you’ve never tried fried ice cream you won’t like it. Similarly, if you haven’t experienced the clarity and wholeness found in solitude, you will lack an understanding of those people who do. This can easily result in rejecting others out of confusion and fear of what we can’t comprehend. Hence why loners are ostracized and consistently thought of negatively.
The second reason is that since loners are already thought negatively of, the word “loner” is perfect for crime cases which demand a certain air of negativity and mystery. Labeling killers continually as “loners” is the perfect psychological trick to separate the psychopaths from the ‘normal’ people. They like being alone? We don’t understand that! They must be crazy!
Journalists like separating the murderous lunatics from the pack. No one wants to think that any normal citizen would commit such atrocious crimes. It’s a self-denial and self-defense, one that says “no one like me could do that”. So the loner is further ostracized, even to the point of losing their own humanity.
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I have known, been friends with, and read the stories of many loners. Charity working loners, thumb-sucking loners, book-reading loners, all perfectly content in their quiet world – not hateful towards humanity, or vengeful, or disturbed.
When you ask yourself what’s wrong with being a loner, keep in mind that the very people who make you ask that question are fundamentally ignorant, confused and many times afraid of the unknown world of loners. All it takes to understand something is to ask questions and go exploring. If this is not even attempted blind prejudice – like that towards loners, can easily occur.
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If you have any opinions, feel free to add them to this discussion below.
Also, feel free to take our Loner Test.
Thanks Luna for this beautiful article. My loner-ness first came as the result of being single for over ten years. Almost no dates or relationship activity of any kind. Constant romantic rejection no matter who it was. And in some cases, even conflicting legal troubles. As you said, it burns. Over time, I’ve realized that rejection pain is far more than just “oh darn, I cant be intimate with that person.” It seems like a downright rejection of ourselves, which probably goes back to needing moms love as a baby to survive. And if you’re like me, many times the rejection comes not with politeness but with blocking, the termination of old friendships, and of course, of illusions. I say this not to play victim but simply to share my story freely and honestly in the presence of a supportive community. I will say though that this rejection, as difficult and torturous as it was at times, ended up being one of the best things to happen to me because it allowed (if not forced) me to get in touch with my “loner” (I just accidentally write lover, haha, which is equally appropriate!) and opened me up to a side of myself I never knew existed. And it might never have happened had any of these people said yes. Thank you and Sol for providing support and space for those of us who sometimes struggle to achieve social status or who abhore the social structure of modern society in favor of the quiet and loving truth of our own being.
I am 68, almost 69. Married but, have basically been a loner most of my life. My husband and I have 3 grown daughters who were involved in numerous activities. I was a stay at home mom for many years but later worked as a teacher and then a nurse. I still continue to do some teaching. My friends consist of 4 women I have known throughout my life. Two are my age and two are about ten years younger. I talk and get together with the 2 friends my age and try to keep contact as best I can with the other 2. Lately I’ve tried to get involved in groups because they say that will help you live longer but, it does not usually go well. I usually end up saying or doing something I end up regretting. Is it so wrong to be a loner? I’ve been this way my whole life. I am happy this way. It doesn’t seem like trying to force myself to be someone else, because society says so, seems counterintuitive. The only reason I would force myself, is if it truly added years to my life. Even though, I would be miserable.
What a relief it is to find others just like me…..I’ve been a purebred loner my entire life, despite everyone’s efforts to make me “normal”. Wish I knew how to end this terrible prejudice that is never spoken about. It’s as bad as racism, misogynism, anti-semitism, etc. At least those poor people have seen some progress over the years. I love reading other peoples “loner” stories. I love to read, music, exercise, watch TV; anything to be alone.
Funny that I found this today. Five hours or so ago, my mother told me “I was watching a movie with a character that was exactly like you (she meant a loner). He ended up being the killer”.
I crave time alone and don’t suffer with loneliness. I can entertain myself going for a walk, cleaning, music, gaming, listening to audible books etc. I work in a highly sociable job in a supermarket. – it is making me incredibly miserable. I’m festering up so much negative energy and it takes a few hours of home time to relax from the effects of work. Some days arent as bad as this but I still hope for the day of finding a more emotionally suitable job.
My passiveness and social anxiety has made things worse for me as people assume I’m stuck up I think.
As much as I’m a happy loner. There is part of me that also craves a real, deep, genuine soul to soul connection. But im in no rush as I’m not going to find that connection until I get my self in the frame of mind im working towards.
I crave time alone and don’t suffer with loneliness. I can entertain myself going for a walk, cleaning, music, gaming, listening to audible books etc. I work in a highly sociable job in a supermarket. – it is making me incredibly miserable. I’m festering up so much negative energy and it takes a few hours of home time to relax from the effects of work. Some days arent as bad as this but I still hope for the day of finding a more emotionally suitable job.
My passiveness and social anxiety has made things worse for me as people assume I’m stuck up I think.
As much as I’m a happy loner. There is part of me that also craves a real, deep, genuine soul to soul connection. But im in no rush as I’m not going to find that connection until I get my self in the frame of mind im working towards. Xx
I Have always been happy with my own company and hated it when adults insisted that I played with the other kids, just give me a good book, a good video, and a glass of single malt scotch and I am happy. I don’t hate the world, or other people, I just prefer to be alone.
In place of the happy-thankful words I don’t really have yet:, thank you for this post! I love people, my people, random people who are kind enough to say hi to me, even the ones who give me the finger in traffic (really—the first time that happened to me I actually felt amused and a little proud? Like yup—had that coming and it’s actually happened). My point: sometimes being a loner fits better for those who really need to practice collecting thoughts, turning those thoughts into words and then making decisions. Loners—which I really think can be all of us at some point in their lives—are for the most part just taking a break for whatever reason, to get their $&@: together, or healing, or just chilling. Yes, we are social, we do like to huddle and hug—and I can’t speak for everyone but, for me personally, sometimes wanting to be alone is so that you can actually appreciate those hugs and maybe hug yourself a little. I dunno. I just appreciate this, thanks again.
Love this article, as I am a loner by choice and love it!
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