The hardest thing about going through an existential crisis is that you often feel depressed and alienated.
Nothing makes sense anymore, and everything feels meaningless – including all of your old accomplishments, desires, professional attachments, relationships, and goals.
You want to find your real purpose in life. You want to know why the f*ck we’re all here in the first place, but you don’t know where to start.
Spiritual Wanderer Course:
Being a lone wolf and a spiritual wanderer is a sacred calling in life – a unique and alchemical path of awakening. You don’t need to feel lost, alone, or stuck on your journey any more. It’s time to meet your soul’s deep needs for clarity, self-acceptance, and empowerment. Let us show you how …
If you can relate to these feelings, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been there before and it’s a dark place. Worst of all, it can sometimes last for years (like mine did).
As someone who has been through this, I’m not here to bullshit you.
I’m not promising that what I’ll share will help it all become magically better.
But I do hope you find a little bit of solace.
Table of contents
- What is an Existential Crisis? (Definition)
- 15 Signs You’re Experiencing an Existential Crisis
- WHY You’re Going Through an Existential Crisis
- Why More and More People Are Experiencing the Existential Crisis
- The Existential Crisis Can Be a Good Sign
- 9 Ways to Get Through the Existential Crisis ( and Actually Benefit From It )
- When the Existential Crisis Becomes Existential Despair
- This is a Time of Death and Rebirth
What is an Existential Crisis? (Definition)
Put simply, an existential crisis is a period in life where a person is at a crossroads and is questioning their entire reality.
They may wonder what the meaning of their life is and whether they have a higher purpose. They may wonder whether life itself has meaning or is just a random, chaotic product of chance.
As a result, they may suffer from tremendous anxiety, depression, isolation, and feelings of being lost. The existential crisis is often spiritual in nature and is sometimes a byproduct (or trigger of) the spiritual emergency.
Shadow & Light Membership:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐ "Straight from the very first weekly email, this has been mind-blowingly powerful, the synchronicity and the on-vibe contents resonate uncannily with my soul’s current challenges." – Marie
If you’re a spiritual wanderer seeking some kind of path, place, and purpose in life, you’re likely experiencing or have gone already through an existential crisis.
15 Signs You’re Experiencing an Existential Crisis
Are you going through an existential crisis? Pay attention to the following signs:
- You’re searching for the meaning of life
- You feel a growing sense of looming existential dread when contemplating society, the state of the planet, etc.
- You feel alone and isolated
- You often find yourself feeling consumed by melancholia/existential depression
- You feel like your ‘old life’ has withered away
- You don’t know who you are anymore
- You feel like your past accomplishments are meaningless (and as a result, you feel lots of regret)
- You see through the shallowness of society’s goals and desires
- You crave something deep and meaningful
- You realize that the Universe is far more complex than you previously thought
- You feel a sense of smallness or powerlessness in the face of everything
- You’re acutely aware of your mortality (and feel existential anxiety as a result)
- You feel fundamentally different from others
- You feel like there’s something innately ‘wrong’ or ‘broken’ about you
- You feel empty inside
- You can’t seem to find any place that feels like ‘home’
How many of the above signs can you relate to?
When I was going through an existential crisis my entire worldview shattered. I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian background and could no longer come to terms with an ‘all-loving God’ who would send people to burn in hell for eternity.
I went through years of confusion, emptiness, anxiety, and depression wondering what the purpose of all this was. It was an extremely difficult, traumatizing, and heart-breaking time. (And yes, thankfully I have pulled through it, hence why I’m writing this article and for this website.)
But my story is only one of millions, and there are many reasons why you may be going through a crisis. We’ll explore below …
WHY You’re Going Through an Existential Crisis
Why did all of this happen to you? Why are you experiencing an existential crisis?
There are a number of reasons. Here are the most common that you may have experienced:
- Sudden death of a loved one
- Job change or loss
- Chronic illness or a shock diagnosis
- Moving to a new place or country
- Chronic stress and anxiety
- Getting married/divorced
- Relationship breakdown
- Having a baby
- Entering a new life phase (e.g., adulthood, mid-life, old age)
- Loss of religious beliefs
- Natural disasters (flood, hurricane, fire)
- Excessive drug use
- Mystical experience
- Sudden spiritual awakening or dark night of the soul
- Prolonged isolation
Let me know in the comments which of these you think triggered your existential crisis.
As you can see, the existential crisis is caused by literally any big life event or change – whether positive or negative.
Would you like to save this?
We'll email this article to you, so you can come back to it later!
Your information will never be shared.
Anything sudden can be destabilizing to your mind. Think of it like an earthquake that sets off a domino effect within your psyche. Before you know it, you have cut off all your friends, quit your job, and have completely withdrawn from society because it all feels too much.
Again, I want to emphasize the fact that this won’t last forever.
It might feel like it and you might believe, in your present frame of mind, that you’re the only person out there who is going through this. But you’re not.
There are people who understand what you’re going through (like myself and the community of readers on this blog). So please take solace in that and keep reading to get support.
Why More and More People Are Experiencing the Existential Crisis
Yes, you heard it right: the existential crisis is increasing in prevalence.
It’s becoming a global phenomenon.
With record numbers of people experiencing major depression and other symptoms associated with the existential crisis, the question is WHY?
With all our technology, wealth, and material abundance, why are we feeling more and more empty inside?
There are many possible answers, but I believe that the main cause is emotional, philosophical, and spiritual in nature.
We live in a world that worships the reductionistic mechanistic scientific view of life. Anything mysterious, magical, or remotely spiritual in nature is scorned and looked down upon. We pretend we’re ‘above all that childish nonsense’ when, in reality, it’s what we need the most.
As clinical psychologist and scholar C. Michael Smith writes,
The world seen only through the lenses of scientific-calculative thinking is a thin, dry, hollow, surface world, devoid of mystery, depth, and meaning. There is an existential nausea (Sartre) that comes with such a nihilistic view of reality. Such a view is itself a symptom of deep spiritual, social, and ecological pathology. Some face this nihilism with stoic courage, others retreat into fundamentalistic and traditional forms of security, where they may have some limited contact with the sacred, while still being touched by the nihilism of the modern scientific worldview. Some seek a genuine sense of the sacred to give their lives meaning and direction, but cannot find it in the institutional religions of the west. Some turn to the numinous resources of the East, some to occult interests; some are now turning to shamanism, others the psychedelics, to rekindle a sense of mystery and meaning characteristic of the sacred.
As a society, we deal with our existential emptiness in many ways, but the unifying sobering reality is that we are spiritually destitute.
We’ve lost touch with our spiritual nature and are suffering horribly as a result – this is known as collective Soul Loss.
I’ll explore how to get back in touch with your spiritual nature (and what worked for me) a little later.
But first, let’s explore why this is not all so doom and gloom …
Spiritual Awakening Bundle:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐ "Luna & Sol, your words have been like salve to my soul. I have been searching for a way to heal and reconnect to my true self for so long (20 years) but have never found anything that truly made a difference… Until I read your books." – Stac
The Existential Crisis Can Be a Good Sign
I know the title of this section sounds totally absurd. But the fact that you’re experiencing existential anxiety signifies that you’re not a mindless sheep of society.
You are alive goddammit, and more than that, you’re in touch with your spiritual nature.
As spiritual philosopher Krishnamurti once wrote:
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
The fact that you’re maladjusted, the fact that you’re questioning everything and feel a sense of despair means that you’re getting more in touch with your own truth – not the version of truth that society likes to spoonfeed us.
As author Tim Farrington writes,
Doubt as to whether you are in a dark night or “just depressed” is probably a very good sign; it means you’re alive and paying attention and that life has you baffled, which is the precondition for truth in my experience.
Perhaps more than anyone, the Holocaust survivor and psychotherapist Viktor Frankl was acquainted with the depths of existential crisis. He writes in his wonderful book The Doctor of the Soul:
The ‘symptom’ of conscientious anxiety in the melancholiac is not the product of melancholia as a physical illness but represents an ‘accomplishment’ of the human being as a spiritual person.
In other words, feeling existential anxiety is not just the result of depression (or melancholy), it’s actually an accomplishment that signifies we’re in touch with our spiritual nature.
Mirabai Starr, author of numerous spiritual books writes, “Someone who is broken … who has struggled all his or her life with some intense deficiency, may have a uniquely powerful relationship with God.”
And it’s true.
The more you suffer existentially, the closer you are likely to draw to the Divine.
I realize you may be an atheist or simply not interested in spirituality, but perhaps it’s time to reconsider your relationship with the mysterious, at the very least. We’ll look more into this below.
9 Ways to Get Through the Existential Crisis (and Actually Benefit From It)
Again, I know “benefiting” from your existential crisis may sound ridiculous.
But hear me out.
The existential crisis is an opportunity for you to find your life purpose, figure out what truly matters in life, and connect with your spiritual nature.
What you’re going through may be horribly painful at times, but it also has a deeper meaning: you’re experiencing a death and rebirth.
You’re undergoing a mental, emotional, and spiritual renewal process which is common to stage 1 of the spiritual wanderer’s journey.
Everything in life works in cycles. Think of life like the four seasons. What you’re experiencing right now is the winter stage of existence. But after that comes spring.
Here are some paths and practices you may like to explore. Many of these I have used myself during my existential crisis period – and they helped tremendously:
1. Record (journal) all your thoughts every day
This one was a BIG help for me – and I believe it can be for you too.
Writing down all your thoughts and feelings is a brilliant way of getting them out of your mind. The more you let your thoughts accumulate, the more overwhelmed you feel. So let them all out.
Journaling is extremely therapeutic and is constantly recommended by professionals and depressed folks alike. In my How to Journal article, I offer you some unique tips, just in case you need extra support.
Here’s an example of an “existential crisis-styled” journal entry:
I’m feeling horrible today. I watch and listen to people talk about their lives, but it all seems futile. I can’t relate to any of them. Not even a bit. All their plans, goals, and shallow desires – can’t they see that it’s all going to perish one day? Their banality suffocates me and I feel like I’m walking in the land of the dead. Everyone is asleep. Why can’t they just wake the fuck up? Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow, but for now, I just wanted to get these feelings out. I know this is good for me to do and that these feelings won’t last forever.
As you can see, your journal entry doesn’t need to be long. It can be a tiny paragraph or even a few words. It also doesn’t need to be wordy, well-written, or poetic. The point is to benefit from it by making a habit out of it.
If you need some powerful and compassionate guidance to help you work through your existential crisis, see the Dark Night of the Soul Journal I’ve created.
2. Turn your pain into art
Some of the best art (think Vincent Van Gogh, Edvard Munch, Goya, etc.) has come from those who have suffered tremendously.
You don’t need to be good at art (or an “artist”) to benefit from artistic self-expression. The point isn’t to create something that will please others but something that helps you feel better and process what you’re going through.
If you need ideas, go on Pinterest and look up different art projects, or go to your local art gallery. Places to start include watercolor, sketching, collage, and paint pouring. You can also read our article on art therapy ideas and see if it offers you some helpful places to start.
3. Get in touch with your inner warrior
There’s a reason why we’ve named this website “lonerwolf.” The wolf is symbolic of the inner spiritual warrior, the inner force of nature who refuses to give up.
S/he is the fire within you that voyages courageously into the unknown, fights for freedom, and respects your true self.
For over a decade, we've strived to make this website a haven of free, valuable information. Imagine a world where this knowledge wasn't readily available. If this post sparked a meaningful insight or helped you in any way, please consider a donation as a heartfelt "thank you" for keeping this resource free. Every contribution, big or small, allows us to keep giving back.
$3When we go through an existential crisis, it can feel like all our power and energy has been drained from us. We may struggle to get up in the morning and keep moving forward. We may feel small and defenseless in the face of life.
The way to move through these feelings is to reconnect with your inner warrior in whatever way he/she/it appears to you. I like to see this fiery essence as an inner wolf, but you may see it differently.
To connect with your inner warrior, you may like to turn to your dreams. Before going to bed, ask your unconscious mind to present you with an image of your inner warrior. Then, pay attention to your dreams. Note down anything significant when first rising in the morning. My guide on dream work can help you through this process.
You may even like to take a herb like mugwort, blue lotus, or a lucid dreaming supplement to make your dreams more vivid (please do your own research regarding dosage requirements and look into the precautions).
An alternative is to practice visualization. Imagine you’re walking down a staircase and at the bottom is a golden door. Once you open that door, you’ll come face-to-face with your inner warrior. What does he/she/it look like? You might like to play some music that puts you in the right frame of mind for this activity (think warrior music which you can find for free on Youtube).
Once you’ve connected with your inner warrior, you can then work with this inner image in your daily life for strength and guidance.
You may like to journal with this inner force, talk with it through visualization, or create a piece of artwork that you put somewhere noticeable and special in your home.
4. Connect with nature
If you struggle to connect with others, go out in nature. Connect with the birds, trees, and plants. Sit and watch what happens around you and find delight in the small things.
Spending time in nature was one of the major ways I got through my existential crisis. I would often spend hours sitting outside observing how the clouds moved through the sky and the way the wind danced through the trees.
If you don’t live near nature, try taking regular trips to your local wildlife reserve, forest, or park. Nature is soothing to the soul and will help you to get out of your head. If you’re interested, I wrote this short and sweet article on the art of forest bathing (shinrin yoku) a few years ago.
5. Find what brings you joy and meaning
Even the smallest things can bring you joy like a patch of sunlight on the floor or the feeling of cold water against your hands as you wash the dishes.
By practicing mindfulness exercises, you can connect more with the present moment and step out of the cycles of dark thought that accompany the existential crisis.
Finding the meaning of life itself is a more complex path, but it’s something that can also bring you a sense of purpose and direction. I’ve written more on the topic of finding the meaning of life and you’re more than welcome to go check that out.
6. Practice self-care and self-love
Take care of yourself. This is a tough time. I know it’s hard, and I know that most days you don’t have the energy for much. But treat yourself with as much love and care as you can muster.
Even opening the window for some fresh air can be seen as a small act of self-love or putting on some warmer socks.
Two forms of self-love and care that you may like to start with are affirmations and gratitude. I know you may feel skeptical toward them, but there’s a reason why they’ve entered the mainstream: they work.
You may like to start a gratitude journal and list five things you’re thankful for each day (being grateful, by the way, has been scientifically proven to help you feel better).
Before bed each night, I have a “gratitude stone” that I hold and I think of at least five things I’ve been grateful for during the day. This simple practice has done wonders for my mindset, and it’s so quick!
You might also enjoy finding or creating one or two affirmations that you carry with you and repeat throughout the day. Examples may include, “I have a resilient heart, and I’ll get through this,” “It’s okay to not know all the answers,” “I surrender to the cycles of life,” and “This too shall pass.” My morning affirmations article can give you more ideas to work with.
7. Simplify and minimize sources of stress
You’re going through enough inner stress as it is, so don’t be afraid to let go of people or responsibilities that cause you more harm than good.
One way of minimizing your stress is by creating a calm and clear mind. I love the philosophy of minimalism and essentialism for shaping a more intentional life, so look into those concepts more if you want to minimize sources of stress.
Also, try guided meditations that soothe your mind and body each morning and evening. I enjoy the free app “InsightTimer” for all its variety and I use it on my phone each day. There are also many other meditation apps out there like Calm, Headspace, and Waking Up that you can look into.
8. Connect with others in a way that feels comfortable to you
See if there are any depression support groups around you. Not everyone experiencing depression is going through an existential crisis, but some are. And you can find a sense of kinship there.
Otherwise, there are many groups online (such as Facebook groups) that you can join for support. Alternatively, simply browse around this website and see that you’re not alone in your existential difficulties.
You may also wish to call a mental health hotline if you desperately need to talk with someone or go to a website like 7cups that offers free support (it can be a “hit or miss” experience, but worth exploring).
9. Explore a spiritual path or practice that you resonate with
As psychologist Christa Mackinnon writes:
Studies find correlations between spiritual well-being and positive psychological responses when people are confronted with existential crisis situations. A recent study of 60 lung cancer patients in America, for instance, found that aspects of spirituality, namely meaning in life and prayer, have positive effects on psychological and physical responses, and an in-depth study of 160 terminally ill patients in palliative care came to the conclusion that spiritual well-being provides a sense of peace and offers some protection against end-of-life despair in those for whom death is imminent.
You don’t need to buy into anyone’s bullshit – find what type of spirituality works for you.
That might be simply praying or lighting a candle, or it could mean learning how to be a spiritual healer and finding a greater sense of purpose.
I personally enjoy the path of inner work, and I incorporate many eclectic practices into my spiritual path like working with the archetypes, reflecting on oracle and tarot cards, connecting with spirit guides, practicing meditation and mindfulness, connecting with nature … the list goes on.
Find a path that works for you and let it give you hope.
Spiritual Wanderer Course:
Being a lone wolf and a spiritual wanderer is a sacred calling in life – a unique and alchemical path of awakening. You don’t need to feel lost, alone, or stuck on your journey any more. It’s time to meet your soul’s deep needs for clarity, self-acceptance, and empowerment. Let us show you how …
Recommended read: Soul Searching: 7 Ways to Uncover Your True Path »
When the Existential Crisis Becomes Existential Despair
If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming others, your existential crisis has become existential despair. You need to seek help immediately.
I am not qualified to help (and I can only give general advice), so I strongly encourage you to seek out a psychologist, therapist, or counselor who can provide you with ongoing 1:1 help.
I know this may feel scary and you might feel ridiculous, but it’s worth getting help. Please do it. Yes, you might be given medication, but that’s a stepping stone toward greater holistic health and healing in the future.
For a list of international suicide hotlines, go here.
This is a Time of Death and Rebirth
The existential crisis is a time of death – the death of old beliefs, old ways of being, and old values.
But after death comes rebirth. Just look at the cycles of nature. What you’re experiencing isn’t going to last forever. After the night comes day and after winter comes spring.
I hope this article has shown you how valuable this process you’re going through actually is. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. You are not alone.
You are actually saner than most people because you are questioning the insanity of the world around you.
You are a spiritual wanderer in the process of getting in touch with your True Nature.
Tell me, are you going through an existential crisis right now? How does it feel for you? Please share below. Let’s help others not feel so alone.
If you need more help, we offer 3 powerful ways to guide you on your inner journey:
1. The Spiritual Wanderer Course: Feeling lost or uncertain about your path and purpose in life? Gain clarity and focus by learning about the five archetypes of awakening within you. Discover your deeper path and purpose using our in-depth psychospiritual map. Includes 3+ hours of audio-visual content, workbooks, meditations, and a premium test.
2. Shadow & Light Membership: Seeking ongoing support for your spiritual journey? Receive weekly intuitive guidance and learn to embrace your whole self, including your shadow side. Deepen your self-love and receive personal support from us.
3. Spiritual Awakening Bundle: Ready to soul search and dive deep? Access our complete "essentials" collection of beloved journals and eBooks. Includes five enlightening eBooks and seven guided journals, plus two special bonuses to further illuminate your path.
I’ve been through my awakening. I’m aware of my power and what not. and that I have an important role to play. The crisis comes in not knowing how to access it, or what my role is. It’s like I’m stuck in this in between. And I have to live in this matrix of a world everyday knowing there’s so much more, that we could have so much more. And my soul resists pretending. So I don’t go to school, I don’t keep a job. I’ll be 18 next year. I know the reason Im not successful in lifs mundane, strive for material success and stability is because it doesn’t interest me. Id rather spend my time artistically, or meditating, or healing, travelling. I don’t know what to do or how to function and I feel so alone. On top of that I’m driving my family crazy
Hello. Thank you so much for your site I have referred to it in the last year. I believe I’m having a crisis myself and I so relate to many things that you wrote about yourself even saving insects from spiderwebs… I’ve lost my very best friend my job and move to a new state all in the last 6 months and even prior to that I was struggling but now I feel I’m at the bottom of a hole no friend no job (looking daily).. new state. I’m very depressed at times and I have thought about suicide I am definitely not afraid to die. I have many mystical moments in my life and I know that I’m on a path to spiritual Awakening and it’s the single most hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and no one understands.. I really don’t want it I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I know there is work involved as your site indicated the things that I can do but I just get so depressed that I don’t want to do anything I don’t know how to get away from that and that’s where I am stuck. And scared. Anyway I’m going to try. One way or another I have my animals and that’s what I live for right now. Thank you again
Forgive me but this site seems like it knew this would happen and timing is just too perfect. Everyone is facing something like this and if we aren’t encouraged towards the real light then I’m suspicious. My whole office is having a crisis also it seems.
I have recently contemplated the concept of infinity, and I now wish I never did. It’s extremely difficult now for me to focus on the present, and the issues in the world jut make me unbelievably angry. I often think “this is my one chance on this earth in this body and other people are ruining it!” The feeling of meaninglessness is suffocating and paralyzing. My brother told me I should be thankful that I’m having these thoughts so young (I’m 22 now) and he revealed to me that the concept of infinity hit him in high school. I want to believe it will get better with time, and that I will be able to work through these thoughts as I get older. I don’t want to jut stop everything because it’s pointless. Might as well make a point since there is none haha. Anyways, I like why you’re saying in this article. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. It’s difficult though for me to grapple with the spiritually part since I’m an atheist, but I’m open to letting the mystery of the universe be a comfort rather than something to fear. I think if I understood everything I’d be more miserable than if I didn’t understand anything at all.
I woke up a year ago and my heart has not stopped breaking. I continue to have some extremely difficult days. I am again at the stage I want to go back to where I was before I woke up. That is how lost I feel. I did an Internet search and found this website. So grateful that I did!
Thank you for this article and this website! It has helped me so much! I caught long Covid last March and it threw me into an existential crisis. It helps so much to know that I’m not alone. I plan on using the affirmations “I surrender to the cycles of life” and “I’m feeling better every day” as I continue to heal. It’s been such a hard time and I’m so thankful for your help. Blessings.
I have 11 of the list of this existential crisis signs. 11 of them started my awareness and to this day I’m still here.
Facing one trauma to the next. Right up to this comment and living in this unfathomable twilight zone /flying monkey circus. I csight as I was reading I noticed ” at this crossroads”
It made ne instantly think, I’ve never came to a cross roads. These signs were present, I lived them some horrific. But what did come to me was this, I’m walking, I come upon a roadside sign giving a bit of information on this road.
” as you walk through this valley of the shadow of death, you shall fear no evil….”
If was evident to me that there was the other side, a pass through. It was a public road side. To give each traveler a some whst travel guide. Then, looking around me, I noticed, I didn’t walk through, I wasn’t camping…. I took up residence!
I don’t know how long the journey actually takes, but it gave me indication it’s a walk through. Just passing by, not just around the next vebd, but not long enough where one would need to make a plan for food, or rest. I paused, looking into my” book of life ” I have bookmarks through out my book. At 54, it’s got a lot of pages, chapters. Within this book I have book marks throughout. From my memory as far back as a toddler to January 22 2022. Those book marks are significant moments in my life. It’s not really a memory keeper for me. I usually pull it out on major stuff, trauma to the happiest moments on this earth at that moment. Significant, life changing, bliss and utter gut wrenching pain. Lot of those book marks. Ssens I have more of the trauma than anything. And most I learned something from and evolved., now, present. Looking back at my book marked pages. I’ve been searching out these questions since youth. Not any crossroads. Thought there was, but they were not, it was a wring turn or more so not the best chosen road to take. But our of Alk of them I realized I did make a chiuce on those roads, but a majority, I wadnt given any direction or information to make a choice. A conscious choice. Ennie, meanie, minnie, moe, kind of choice.
So….. I’ve been here over twenty years.
I can only hope this website I’ve been led to will be ir produce for ne a crossroads out of this flying monkey circus.
I don’t know what to naje of all this. I see the signs of this information on here for the existinial crisis is really added signs.
From today to Alk the way back…. It’s not the current smh life in living now, but it tallies up several from the saved bookmarks as I flash through them. Everyone is built upon to right up to this moment.
What am I missing?
Why so long with no direction to all the questions I’ve asked throughout all them years. Waiting and expecting direction, guidance. Some sort of symbol or sign that it’s all heading somewhere and Surely not the aneurysm I seen to be developing.
It doesn’t make sense, this article does, The website does, I get it. Nit been list since finding it.
Anyone have even a similar experience that I could relate to and you have come through the other side or atleast awakened enough to see the evidence ckeaky that you are on a spiritual path,
Will be soooo helpful and I will be absofuckinglutey abd eternally grateful.
I’m getting wirhndiwn, I’m tired, physically it’s taking its toll.
I’ve hollered at the attendant to stop the ride, stop the spinning around and around, I want to get off this ride. It’s no longer fun.
Well, that was about as long as my book of life is, it’s long, but if feel led to read, any info will be grateful to have.
Thank you
DEVLIN STORM WOLFE
Hi Devlin, thank you for connecting and posting here. Can you expand on your question: “What am I missing?”? Maybe I could provide some insight.
yes I feel all this ,just lost my husband 6 months ago,July 2021 and am feeling this crisis!
I am so sorry to hear that Earldine, my heart goes out to you. ♡
I’m currently going through probably the darkest and most evil-feeling time of my life. It feels like there’s evil around every corner and it feels like it’s consuming my mind and body. I have unceasing body pain and the psychological, emotional, spiritual pain is worse. Where I once subscribed to a “love and light” mentality, I no longer seem to be able to stay in that place. I’m having frequent nightmares and body tremors. I feel that I have no guidance or direction – I feel an unrelenting sense of doom. I’ve seen and felt a black octopus type entity attached to my lower back with its tentacles wrapped up my spine, in my stomach, and down my legs. Has anyone experienced anything like this?
I met my biological father 4 years ago, for various reasons we were estrange. My mother revealed this truth to me when I was in junior high, the man I knew to be my father wasn’t, and my beloved beloved sister was only my half sister.
After we met we didn’t communicate regularly, and we were indifferent towards each other, contact was broken for almost a year, at the height of the third wave I contacted him and offloaded suddenly all of the anger that I had, not specific to him, just offloaded. After a few weeks he asked that we should meet and we had a few hours meaningful conversation, and decided to go for DNA tests to finally get closure.
Preceding the weeks of the DNA test I visited him and each visit ended in an argument.
Finally the results were revealed, and this in itself only added to the strain of what I feel- desperately wanting whatever time that is left for us to make up for all the years that we lost. Today we saw each other for the first time after the revealed results. I intuitively feel that he is suffering and depressed, and is feeling a great deal regret and sadness. He is a very difficult person, and he does not discuss or express his feelings. I also believe that he does not know what to do or how to process this. He doesn’t have another family. I know that he cares about me , but now, after the results I believe he is stuck between “what would my life with my son have been like” and knowing that we need to work on that relationship, essentially not moving forward. I have had enough time to process this and although I am still very much suffering from his absence, I have a clear, defined and objective solution of how both of us, are to process all remnants of the past, thus moving forward together to get back what we lost, heal and find joy in a new father son relationship.
I love and deeply care for him, and I fear that he will never escape the past. After he drove me home this afternoon, I felt both his pain and my own, it was debilitating and my world suddenly turned gray, darkness overcame me and I hopelessness is overwhelming me. I know that I can help him, the questions in his mind is new, I have answered them already as I have had enough time to do so from many perspectives. Unfortunately, he is closed off and unsentimental, he has always been, his sister and I have a great relationship and she herself admitted that he has been so his entire life. This personality trait, I believe, is the element that is preventing him from surrendering his questions to me, and the fact that he is my father, in his mind, will not permit any sign of weakness, although I so intensely feel it.
This is my existential crisis and has been for a large part of my life, it is also his.
I want so desperately to end our shared crises, I know I am the only one that is able to do so.
I am not successful in my attempt to have him lower his gaurd and open up to me.
This negative implication of this crisis is on the cusp of becoming full circle and I cannot permit the malevolence to win. I came coincidentally to this article and is to me a revelation of what I omitted to do: I have not yet reached out to my community for guidance, which is one of the fundamental purposes of community: with firmness uphold the one that is weak, and surrender to those who are there to help us when we become so.
Much love and gratitude
M xxx
I’ve been spiraling with negative thoughts lately. I don’t have many friends, and since quitting my 9-5 job and going into private tutoring, the lack of human contact is getting to me. I feel like I’m doing it to myself, and everything seems scary right now. Just going out in public is a challenge of late. I feeling very scared, and lots of anxiety, shame, and worry. Most things that I used to enjoy are no longer fun. Even my profession isn’t feeling fulfilling. Thank you for this article and I hope some of it helps me, and that my thoughts help someone else.