If you are highly sensitive, a deep thinker/feeler, and are unusually perceptive, you probably have (or have had) existential depression.
Depression is a topic that is frequently written about. We hear remedies, theories, and stories all the time. But few people have heard of existential depression – hence why those who suffer from it can feel tremendously alienated and under-represented.
There are numerous types of depression, and they can be categorized in the following way:
- Situational Depression — caused by external events such as a death, tragedy, loss of employment, etc.
- Hormonal Depression — caused by an internal imbalance of chemicals
- Biological Depression — triggered by genetics
- Seasonal Depression — caused by the changing of seasons (as seen in seasonal affective disorder)
- Intrapersonal Depression — caused by toxic beliefs and perceptions that lead to low self-worth
- Existential Depression — caused by a lack of meaning and Soul connection
In this article, we’ll only be exploring existential depression and how to handle it.
Seeing as it’s such an unusual form of depression that doesn’t respond well to normal treatment, my goal is to help you compassionately face it. As someone who has experienced existential depression before, I want you to know that it does fade and go away – there is hope.
Table of contents
What is Existential Depression?
In a nutshell, existential depression is a type of spiritual emergency. It is crippling, profound, pervasive, and highly personal in nature. Most people who experience existential depression feel numb, lost, and empty inside. These people tend to be philosophical deep thinkers and feelers who want to understand the meaning of life. Clinically, existential depression falls into a “grey” area as it is often classified as “uncaused,” although it can sometimes be triggered by internal or external crises.
Read more: Existential Crisis: 9 Ways to Get Through Life’s Darkest Times »
15 Signs You Have Existential Depression
Signs of existential depression include:
- Continuous “deep thoughts” about the meaning and nature of life
- Intense desire to answer seemingly unanswerable questions such as, “What is the purpose of existence?” “What happens after death?” and “Why was I born?”
- Intense dissatisfaction with the state of society
- Feeling disconnected from others (thus few or no friends)
- Feeling misunderstood and on a “different level” to others
- Chronic and profound loneliness
- Sensations of being “dead,” “numb,” or empty inside
- Disinterest in social contact because it feels shallow
- Melancholic moods
- Anxiety
- Loss of interest in usual pursuits
- Lack of enthusiasm or motivation
- Low energy and chronic fatigue
- The belief that most things are “futile” or “meaningless”
- Contemplation or attempt of suicide
How many of these signs can you relate to?
Why Existential Depression Can’t Be Healed With ‘Usual’ Methods
If you’re suffering from existential depression you’ve probably been taken to (or sought out) psychotherapy already. Chances are that it didn’t work for you, and no matter how much medication, counseling, or analysis you underwent, your feelings never left. If this is the case, you probably feel even more hopeless and alone than before.
But the true failure lies not with you, but in the psychotherapeutic profession and its blind treatment of all depression as “one and the same.” Writes one author:
The danger with depression in the gifted adult is that to 99% of the psychological profession “depression is depression is depression.” Thus someone who presents with “depression” is drugged and treated for “depression.” Sorry! Wrong! But thank you for playing.
Existential depression can’t be healed with usual methods because it is not biological or hormonal, it is spiritual in nature.
By spiritual, I mean that it’s to do with the deep, nitty-gritty pre-occupation with the nature of life, death, and meaning. In fact, existential depression and the feeling of being separated from the Divine (God) and the Soul go hand-in-hand. We’ll explore this more next:
What Causes Existential Depression?
So then, if existential depression is not like usual depression, what is the source of it?
As I mentioned previously, the clinical understanding of existential depression is that of a “vague and uncaused mental illness.” (In other words, it isn’t external, biological, seasonal, hormonal, or to do with self-esteem.) But this is an extremely superficial definition and one that is based on the limited insight of the psychotherapy profession.
As someone who has personally struggled with existential depression in the past, and helped others with the same issue, I can say unequivocally that existential depression is a crisis of the Soul. It is a symptom of the Dark Night of the Soul.
If you don’t know what the Dark Night of the Soul is, it’s a period in life when we awaken to the deep disconnection we have with our Souls. This profound disconnection is also known as Soul Loss.
Soul Loss as the Root Cause
Our Soul is our deepest and truest nature, our most authentic Core Self. It is our wellspring of love, joy, creativity, compassion, and spiritual interconnectedness. When we lose touch with our Souls, we lose touch with our innate Divinity. And when we lose touch with our Divinity, we feel lost, alone, and empty inside. This is what shamanic cultures refer to as the phenomenon of ‘Soul Loss‘ – and Soul Loss is at the very root of existential depression.
So here we have three experiences that are all interconnected:
- Existential depression is caused by Soul Loss
- Soul Loss is what causes the Dark Night of the Soul
- The Dark Night of the Soul fuels existential depression (it’s a cycle)
The Dark Night of the Soul was originally written about by the 16th-century mystic St. John of the Cross. He described it as a period in life where the Soul yearns to reconnect with God (or Spirit). Although the Dark Night of the Soul is a painful and tormenting experience at first, it is actually a cause for celebration. I know this sounds crazy – but you are finally waking up! For many people, the Dark Night marks the beginning of the sacred journey back to Wholeness and Spiritual Oneness.
But back to Soul Loss:
So how do we experience Soul Loss in the first place?
Soul Loss, and consequently existential depression, happen for a number of reasons. Common causes of Soul Loss include:
- Negative societal conditioning
- Childhood trauma
- Experiencing a tragedy or hardship
- Undergoing a sudden big life change
- Soulless living (e.g., being raised with weak values, working in a trivial job, making choices that aren’t aligned with the Soul, etc.)
Think back to when you first started experiencing existential depression. Did some big, traumatic, or otherwise disruptive experience come before it? Usually, you can trace back to something definite that triggered it (although don’t worry if you can’t, it might be mentally repressed). Understanding what caused your existential depression is the first step to finding inner peace.
Download FREE Existential Depression Worksheets!
Go deeper with an existential depression journaling prompt + printable meditation mandala!
Existential Depression, Sensitivity, and Giftedness
Without fail, I have always found that sensitive people tend to experience existential depression to a higher degree than the general population. After all, sensitivity allows us to feel what other people usually can’t feel. This is usually why existential depression sufferers feel so isolated and misunderstood: they really are on another plane of existence from the typical population.
At heart, the existential depression sufferer is always some form of “gifted” individual — a poet, artist, empath, old soul, philosopher, healer, mystic, or sage in the making. Because such people find very few places to call “home” in our current society, it’s no wonder that they naturally feel misplaced, alone, and disconnected.
8 Ways to Overcome Existential Depression
Overcoming existential depression usually takes time (although there have been instances where it disappears immediately, such as during mystical experiences). Moving through this dark place requires gentleness, courage, the willingness to reach out for support, and persistence.
Here are some helpful tips and practices that can help alleviate your suffering (based on my own experience):
1. Give your pain a higher spiritual meaning/purpose
Learn to see your unhappiness and meaninglessness in a different light. Re-frame it. This is where being introduced to the concept of “Soul Loss” and the “Dark Night of the Soul” helped me out immensely: I realized that this was all a spiritual journey, not just an endless pit of suffering. What higher meaning or purpose can you find within this pain right now? (If you need help discovering the meaning, see our Dark Night of the Soul Journal.)
2. Realize that the mind is limited
It is natural for us to want all the answers in life. But this is what I found: the more answers you get, the more questions you ask. The mind is an endless cycle, an endless labyrinth of questions, thoughts, and more questions. But here’s the thing: the mind is not all there is to life. Don’t fall into the trap of making the mind and the intellectual pursuit of answers your God. The mind is only one layer of existence, and it can actually PREVENT you from living.
As author Søren Kierkegaard once wrote,
Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.
Find ways of involving yourself more in life. Take up some active hobbies or pursuits that gift you with new skills. Start small and take baby steps.
3. Stop, pause, and be still
If you’ve ever read into the works of enlightened people you will discover one major message: peace can be found in every moment. And this isn’t some airy-fairy promise, it is a reality that you can experience first-hand. But it requires patience, stillness, and dedication.
Meditation is one of the best ways to experience this deep, eternal, abiding peace. Try dedicating at least 10 minutes a day to this practice. There are many apps that can help you get started such as Calm, Headspace, and InsightTimer. If you have a negative perception of meditation, try experimenting with different types such as Body Scan, mantra, loving-kindness (Metta), and insight meditation to see what suits you best right now.
4. What fills your Soul with fire?
If you’re unable to answer this question, think back to childhood … what did you love doing? If you still aren’t sure, explore different fields and topics of interest. Finding what your passion is and what makes you feel excited to be alive is a wonderful way of moving through existential depression. Having a meaning or personal mission to fulfill will help add great depth to your life.
Read more: Soul Searching: 7 Ways to Uncover Your True Path »
5. Nurture yourself with self-compassion
What you’re experiencing can be a terribly painful and lonely ordeal, so be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to slow down, create a safe space, and practice self-care. Commit to releasing old patterns, thoughts, beliefs, and even people that don’t support your well-being. See our article on how to love yourself for more guidance. Learning how to nurture your wounded inner child is a great place to start this work. By holding space for this delicate part of yourself, your existential depression won’t cut you quite as deeply.
6. Connect with others/life
Getting a pet (or becoming closer with your existing one) is a great place to start. Dogs, in particular, give us unconditional love and help us to get out of the dark void that is existential depression.
Also, try connecting with nature. Go outside with a relaxing cup of tea, watch the sky, the birds, the trees, the rain, and the sunshine. Nature can be very soothing – in fact, if you live near a forest, try and go forest bathing (the Japanese practice of using nature to calm the nervous system). Gradually, you can build up to reaching out to a therapist that will genuinely understand where you’re coming from.
Try seeking out a spiritual therapist or one that works with sufferers of the ‘spiritual emergence’ (try a Google search). Also, try simply searching for ‘existential depression therapists/counselors.’ There are many therapists worldwide that do online Skype sessions if you can’t find one in your local area.
7. Explore Soul Retrieval
Soul Retrieval is a shamanic and psycho-spiritual tool for reintegrating lost parts of your psyche and rediscovering more inner Wholeness. There are numerous forms of Soul Retrieval out there such as mirror work, internal family systems therapy, guided visualization, breathwork, and more. Soul Retrieval (a practice) and Ensoulment (philosophy) go hand-in-hand.
Explore Ensoulment as a meaningful practice and path of reconnecting with the Soul »
8. Take responsibility for your happiness
No progress or authentic change in life can be made without taking self-responsibility. Life is multi-faceted. Yes, there is darkness, but there is also light. Yes, there is depression, but there is also joy. Learn to honor both sides and find them within everyday life, and you will experience more wholeness and inner balance.
Yes, it’s important to acknowledge deep and serious existential issues, but it’s also important to acknowledge and respect life’s beauty. Above all, understand that we are so much more than the limited ego that feels small and separate.
We all possess something mysterious and powerful within us. Call it the Life Force, call it Spirit, call it the Higher Self, but it’s beyond the mind. Exploring spirituality will help you to understand and experience this for yourself.
Read more: What is Spirituality? (EVERYTHING You Need to Know) »
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I truly hope this examination of existential depression has helped to open some new doors for you. I would love to hear your experience with this topic or any advice below. You could help a lot of struggling people out there.
Finally, if you are contemplating suicide, please seek immediate help here. Your life is a precious gift and one that can be salvaged, transformed, and healed if you allow it to.
Please note that this article is not meant to diagnose you in any way, it is simply offering my opinion and experience. In many situations, seeking professional help and taking prescription medication is not only important but crucial.
Existential depression is often linked to going through the process of Spiritual Awakening. If you think you might be going through a Spiritual Awakening, you might like to look at our book “The Spiritual Awakening Process” for more guidance.
3. Intense dissatisfaction with the state of society
If you are paying attention and sensing the energy of the world existential depression is inevitable!!!!! This sign alone is intense!!!!
I currently have situational depression tied to long term biological, intrapersonal and existential depression. All of which I have been working on but it takes a lifetime and its a heavy heavy load
Beyond grateful to have found this today. I have been in therapy for the last 6 months and although it has been helpful, I still have felt that there was something missing. I have been exploring and embracing my spirituality more the last little bit and this article… wow, a game changer. It has provided me with insight, serenity, and motivation to keep exploring and cultivating my faith in the Divine even more. Thank you.
I am so pleased to hear that, Yasmin. It’s an honor to help ❤
this is one article that has changed my life. all along i have been trying to solve my life problems to be happy. but today i have realized that life is not a problem to be solved but a REALITY to be experienced. how i want to experience life rather than solving the imagined life problems.
mwai
What a beautiul realization! Thank you for sharing Mwai.
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Thank you for this insight. I have had such a time when I was numb of any emotion or feelings. I was on the brink of suiside and at the bottom of life’s existence. Or so I thought. I had always meditated but not even that was helping me I had blocked everything from my existence. I had been caught in a narcissist/codependent relationship for 26 years and I found that I had nowhere and no one to go to. I was in victim stare big time. The day I took time to contemplate my means of demise , lay down to hatch a plan. Then with only ending this terrible torment called life I closed my eyes and just was. Nothing came to me for some time. It was as though even that was blocked from me. In time I was escorted by my variant angel to a place where I could see the great wealth of support for me in the angel realm. A hundred thousand angels stood in front of me reaching out sending me love. Sending me blessings. Where I thought I was alone I found in that in what was only minutes in linear time was a life time of love. The experience was so profound that the emotion still wells in me as I write these words. Though we think with our brains that there is no where to go go help to be had there is a wealth of strength that we have not even taped into. Trust yourself, trust there is support and most of all except the love and guidance from your inner self. My life is different now. I trust in my angels I am guided by my inner self and love who I am. The few minutes I spent with the angels erased the need to exit this world and gave me the strength to LIVE believe in your self believe there is strength in the universe and enjoy the gift of life. Cheers Rhonda
Hi, thanks for this article. Very eye opening. I am pretty sure this is what i’m experiencing and its very scary. Especially the numbness, feeling lost and having that sensations like you’re dying. Ugh. I’ve recently started having visions while trying to fall asleep. The other night, I cant recall what i was thinking about because this startled me so much and made me jolt upright, but i saw a vision of what I thought at the time was a black hole, but upon some research i realized what I actually saw was an eclipse. I stumbled upon this article from a page about healers and cant help but notice the image of the eclipse is EXACTLY WHAT I SAW. Does anyone have any insight on what this might mean? Are visions of eclipses an ordinary part of this experience? Or was I just having foresight? Any input is appreciated!
My sister called me, hysterically crying. No one else to call, feeling alone, isolated and having anxiety/panic attack. She didn’t know why she was feeling like she was, and her husband decided, a vacation was the (quick fix) for her problems. Knowing, I have helped so many people, since my own gifts, were acknowledged and embraced. She was needing reassurances, and love. I calmed her, asked questions, to understand her current mindset. Offered useful advice, which helped me tremendously, through my own life crisis, and coping with life struggles. She texted me after our phone call, she tell me to look up, EXISTENCIAL DEPRESSION, which is what she really suffers from, not to tell anyone, and not to worry. She has had it for a very long time. So I did, and it led me to your page. This was an eye opener for me, and exactly what I felt like, the majority of my life. Diagnosed with Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, Auto-Immune disorder, Trauma, over medicated since I was 20 yrs old. I’m now 44 yrs old, she is soon to be 46, 2 younger brothers ages 42 and 40. All 4 of us, have mental health issues, addiction problems, unbalanced throughout our whole lives, on somewhat of this same exact path.
Having a spiritual awakening myself, almost 6 years ago, was quite extreme. I had become addicted to opiods, I was prescribed for a long term, for pain and abruptly taken off.
(Long story short) ultimately, led to Heroin addiction, taking everything in my life from me, kids, family, home, vehicle, morals, and soul. Did things I was against, and never thought would do. Incarcerated for the first time in my life at 38 yrs old, then 4 more times after that. Lost, Ashamed, Alone Abandoned, Unloved, Unworthy, Suicidal, Extreme Pain and Witdrawals. The jail wouldn’t allow any of my medications. 20 years of antidepressants, anxiety, pain, inflammation, steroids, cut off. The effects were crippling. Although, I was locked up in the worst place possible, awaiting my destiny, on the charges I incurred.
I must humbly, honestly say, was the BEST thing, that ever happened to me! That 6 month experience, drastically, changed my entire life. Locked in a punishment block, on suicide watch, with one other person.. Something miraculous, happened to me in that cell!! I found so many things in there! People very close to me, saw a complete transformation in me, (including my physical appearance was younger looking, glowing affect of my skin, my hair was healthier, and the confidence I had, was never seen before by anyone. Not even ME! I walked out with no depression, no anxiety, no pain, no addiction, healed from the inside, out.
I was questioned, by many people, what I had done, or had happened to me? My sister, has often asked me, since my transformation, how I knew certain things, where I got all my Wisdom, Insights, Knowledge and Abundance of Love, in my heart from? How I found my happiness, peace, strength, and integrity, during this time period. MY RESPONSE WAS, JESUS AND I, DID ALOT OF WORK TOGETHER! I never knew Jesus personally. He came and picked me up, off that cell floor, and rebuilt me, over 6 months. I did, ALOT OF MEDITATION, soul searching, to find out what/who hurt me, some I repressed from childhood resurfaced, some of my own doings, all had to be FORGIVEN. I had to allow myself, to LOVE again, which was very hard, being single 20 years from a relationship that destroyed me. Then LOVE MYSELF, for who, I AM, and ACCEPT, MYSELF, with all my flaws. Which in turn, showed me, they were actually my GIFTS, that noone else understood, and looked at me differently. I realized then, I am unique for a purpose. I was given them, for MY OWN UNIQUENESS, UNDERSTANDINGS AND USES. I gained self worth, self love, self respect, confidence, awareness, intuition, empathy, and wisdom, I never had before. That girl that walked into that jail, died there. I walked out, cleansed, and reborn, with my eyes wide open, and heart so pure! Went on, to share my story, counsel others, share experiences, and know they aren’t alone. Spread Hope it can get better, sometime we just need a push, or to change, our current surroundings, people, jobs, step outside our comfort zones, to find and unleash it.
I’ve had existential depression since I believe I was born. I’m stuck I keep finding out how smart I am but I can’t do anything. I could be something really wonderful I just can’t figure out how to get out of my own way. I need someone to talk to and I don’t have money. I want to be a life coach but I’m wondering if I’m supposed to be at Mystic. I am in crisis I have a learning disability. I’m on medications. I’ve been studying spiritual practices for four years now and I’ve made it a long ways but I’m stuck. The only real guidance I have is Youtube. I’ve done about 25 years of therapy. If somebody could just please help guide me I know I could do a lot for the world. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Please help if you can. The only thing I know how to do is try to find somebody to help me. As I do work myself of course.
I 100% relate to Megan who commented July 4th 2020. I am a soul lost
trapped In this body that can’t find true passion or recall anything I’ve truely invested my hearts desire. I’ve got natural talents as a sketch artist and invisionsty mind but don’t enjoy or take interest to build my art skill. I know I’ve got this wonderful gift that wants to be shared and utilized in life , yet I can’t figure out what that special gift is to fill fulfilled in right path. If you Megan found help or a resource I would love to also receive some direction on how to uncover my hidden treasure buried under quicksand that just burns my core to uncover.
Thank you for your wonderful article.
Hi, thanks or this article. I have found the thing and I love you for I.
Wow , this topic is so interesting , I have hope that by reading these articles I can get help to connect to my inner self. I really need more guidance because my soul is lacking somehow somewhere inside of me. I want to become friends with meditation . Thumbs up for the great service you are offering to the globe.GOD BLESS.
Great article. Thank you! I asked for a sign today and this was it!
I truly feel that fate played a role in my coming across this website and discovering this page. What started out as a generic internet search about Automatic Writing and the unconscious mind, eventually lead me to this piece about Existential Depression. After reading it all the way through and viewing many of the comments from others who also experienced reading this piece and expressed their own reactions to discovering this information for themselves, I was compelled to share my thoughts and feelings to you both, as well as to your readers.
For the longest time the only logical way for me to accurately describe my own existential depression was to literally call it ‘Crushing Sadness’.
The following words are something I wrote down nearly 4 years ago:
A feeling of intense sorrow, yearning, mourning…all rolled into one. An unconscious sensation that deep down I’ve forgotten something huge, or I’m missing something deeply important from somewhere long ago. A feeling like I’m out of place…lost, on the wrong path, or in the wrong place and time. And all the while resigned to the fact that this is just the way my mind/soul/spirit tries to force me to see, but I’m never able to pin it down, to pin point the source, just bombarded by totally random emotion…like a part of my essence is quietly dying somewhere off in the distance, but I’m unable to reach out and heal it. It takes every ounce of energy to get through days like that, to stay focused on the task of here and now, and look into the horizon of tomorrow when this hypothetical or subconscious rear-view mirror blocks your mind entirely. Days like that are completely distracting and frustrating as hell. I can never shake this sensation, not even listening to music alleviates it. That will typically just make it worse. My mind just gets dragged back to the past, thinking of old times, childhood, old forgotten memories, reviewing random points in my life, causing me to lose total focus for an entire day sometimes. Days like that I want to travel and explore and get away right then and there. Anything to get free of being locked in my thoughts. Theoretically, if I could, I’d teleport around time, revisit the memories and thoughts that persist in my mind, relive them, and see them from a different mind’s eye. All in hopes that it would finally let me move forward in peace and break that crushing sadness.
That was 4 years ago. But what you have written here is so on point and so very cleanly portrayed that it really does help to pinpoint some of this chaos that I deal with from time to time. Every point of depression that you have listed, I’ve experienced throughout my life in various degrees from a very early age. And I definitely have experienced every single one of the 15 signs of Existential Depression throughout my entire life, with #6, #7 and #9 being the most intense over all the years. #12 and #13 are currently the most present and active signs I’ve noticed over the past few years. Being an INFJ with a Type 5, 6, 4 Enneagram, it’s not how I want to be physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. It feels like being perpetually stuck in neutral, adrift in the ocean without a sail. So Soul Loss is a fitting title, and seeing what you wrote regarding the Dark Night of the Soul is actually very reassuring. Because all the while I keep waiting and searching for that morning light on the horizon. It’s a promising sign to see that someone is able to verbalize what it is I’m trying to deal with internally on a very deep level, and to be able to finally breathe a sigh of relieve knowing that perhaps this sign might mean I’m nearing the end of that long trek through the darkness. Perhaps this is a defining moment, one that will turn the tide.
So thank you for all you and Mateo do. I have much more to discover here I’m sure, and I look forward to reading everything you both have to offer going forward. It’s a pleasure to finally cross paths with unique individuals such as yourselves. It’s a rarity.
Ngetal, I seldom reply to comments, but I had to reach out. While most comments describe experiences with a few similarities, yours matches my own experience and feelings almost exactly, including being an INFJ. Even though I do not wish upon anyone feeling this deep sadness, it is actually great to know I’m not alone. Feeling out of place and lonely has been a constant in my life. I need solitude to be able to recharge and even function, but I still yearn to find a few others people who are “like me”. Thank you for posting your comment. I really needed it. I’m very grateful to have found it when I did.
Also, Thank you so much, Alethia and Mateo, for this website. You two do an awesome job.
Oh my god yes! I’ve always only ever been able to articulate it as a soul crushing sadness or despair. What you wrote was hauntingly beautiful and familiar. I’m glad to have found people who experienced the same thing, not because I would wish it on anyone like Liz said, but because for so long I truest thought I was just being over dramatic and that because my feelings didn’t line up exactly with how everyone else’s depression was described that it must be something else entirely.
Guys I’m here on the other side of that now and I’m telling you, I know that dark place you’re in and how devastatingly barren it feels but it gets better. Every person has their own unique timeline they have to go through, I firmly believe that, but if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other you’ll make it to the other side of that mountain. All the love and light in the universe ❤️ -A
Thank you for this about EXISTENTIAL DEPRESSION. I didn’t know it had a name, a conceptual structure, so, nice to know it does and at least minimal recognition in the psychotherapeutic community.
I hit bingo on all 15 signs, I have as long as I can remember back to elementary school days when by the ages of 6 or 7 I remember understanding that I was different although then I couldn’t put into words how, I just knew that nobody came close to understanding me and nobody was interested, not mom, dad, teachers, the attitude was “he’s smart he’ll be fine we need to work with the kids who aren’t as smart,” so I was more or less ignored from as long ago as I can remember, fending for myself for everything except food, shelter, clothing, and rides to school and church. By second or third grade I was sure my parents weren’t really, I must have been accidentally switched at birth, my real parents were somewhere else, and nobody but me knew the parents I lived with weren’t my real parents, and my real parents somewhere else smf had the wrong kid too, who knows, maybe it’s true, I still feel that way 60 years later. The rest of my family and I lived on different planets, in different galaxies.
According to the “signs” lists at Lonerwold, I’m an empath introvert old soul with existential depression for all of my life, + a 175 IQ which is a major social curse, it is not a “gift,” it is extremely socially isolating, there has never been a time in my life when I was not chronically lonely and existentially alone, I think of it as something like being an Arabian stallion living in a herd of burros.
Whiskey has saved my life, saved me from suicide, a thousand times or more, nobody else is ever there for me, but Scotch is my friend, always there when I need her, she never lets me down.
I did a “soul retrieval” session with a hypnotherapist, I had no idea what to expect, what happen was stunning, mind boggling, and life changing, then two past lives in which I saw myself as a Union soldier in the Civil War, and a Roman soldier in Italy 2,000 years ago, each of which answered questions about this life for which there were no other answers, but most of the people I know, friends, friendlies, relatives, think I’m crazy talking about past lives and soul reunions.
40 years ago I was a waiter at the Silverado Tavern in Calistoga, California, one day I went in, was introduced to our new waitress, she looked at me for a moment and said, You are an old soul . . . you are a very old soul . . ., I had no idea what she was talking about then, now I do, and it’s a curse.
In 3 years I retire, I will go back to school become a certified clinical hypnotherapist, specialize in dealing with past lives, life between lives, old soul and existential depression issues, religious abuse (a national pandemic), empath and introvert issues, try to turn my experience into a hope and comfort for others for as long as I can.
Thank you so much for writing about existential depression Aletheua!
You truly have a gift in writing and I appreciate you sharing .
Thank you
Growing up & into adulthood, I had gone through several family deaths, in a 8 year period, from the time I was 10, – age 17, I lost 5 members of my family. The loss of my 34 yr old brother when I was 17, was the most devastating. He was a great loving caring brother , but he struggled w/ inner demons that caused him to become an alcoholic. He was out visiting his favorite bar, on the night he died, & we (my mom & myself) really never found out what led up to him being taken to jail & subsequently died of a brain hemorrhage, & basically it’s the same story that has taken place for decades, no accountability on the part of the police. & He died because no one had gotten him medical attention. My poor mother was always trying to help my brother, but not in a tough love way, she was there to bail him out of every situation he had gotten into because of his alcoholism. I was the last child that came along 17 yrs after my brother’s were born, one being 19, & my closest to me brother & favorite brother, Ronnie was 17. The whole trauma of trying to hold the city ,where we live accountable by bringing forth a lawsuit, was a horrible joke. I remember the cities attorneys being so careless & unaware of my brother’s family in a closed door hearing court room, was passing around pictures of my brother’s autopsy amongst his colleges . Thank God my mom never seen them but, I did! Horrible experience, I felt like I was having an out of body moment. Throughout my life, with the deaths of my family, my mom & I had each other but 2 yrs ago, after being her caregiver for a decade, she passed away @ 98. I knew she was ready, she had been in good health until her late ’80’s & then she had a few strokes, hip replacement, & knee. & I was with her 24/7 until she went into the hospital, had a fall & had broken her leg, she was strong enough to make it through all that, but 2 days after surgery, she had gotten pneumonia & was subjected to every treatment they could possibly do for it, & then 2 wks later, the doctors were telling me she will come home & be in hospice, sounding like , it’s not as bad as it seems, not necessarily a death sentence! In fact some people “graduate” from hospice, & go back on it when things get dyer for them! Right, what they didn’t tell me was that she was suddenly given 3 doses of morphine that morning while they were transporting her home, she was not herself, basically looked up above me while I was telling her she was home, never having eye contact. I did have one coherent moment while giving her a drink of her favorite coffee, where she said ,she needed me to “tell” her. I said “what do you need me to tell you, mom? That you have my permission? (To leave, this world) so I told her what she wanted & basically said goodbye & told her I loved her, & to get some rest, & she passed away a few hours later, only a couple of minutes before I came back in the room to check on her, & she was still warm to the touch. I am 59, & I basically have no family, a daughter, that has always been a difficult person & has been the absolute worst daughter, has a history of verbal abuse to me, especially, my mom, & most importantly her three daughters. I have 2 nieces that live in town, but, since my mom has died, I have only talked to them a couple of times. It’s weird, I had told my mom a long time ago, that I bet I never see anyone after you’re gone! & Sadly I was right. I don’t get it, but it’s always like family, or friends have treated me differently, Like people will sometimes treat me in a joking, derogatory way, for no reason. I have always been a kind ,caring, & empathetic person, along with being a good friend, humorous, I used to love to go out when I was younger & sometimes sing with friends that had a band & just have fun no matter how simple or extravagant, I have always treated people, like I would want to be treated. But I have felt @ times w/ family,friends , that I was kinda insignificant in their lives, unless someone needed me to do something for them. It’s just weird. Years ago I had my cards read, & alot of cards came up as a Lyons & dogs, the medium told me I have alot of jealousy around me! I just am lost right now.
Janice
I feel your pain. As a very empath, that is literal. Two weeks ago I was taking a nap on my lunch break near Whole Foods in Oakland CA after doing my delivery, dozing, when I felt pain approaching from behind me. Opened my eyes, looked in the mirrors, there was an elderly black women coming up the sidewalk alongside my truck, walking very slow, every fifty feet or so she’d stop and rest for awhile before moving on, I wanted to get out and fix her, take her pain away, but my rational mind reminded me there was nothing I could do, the arthritis in her knees, ankles, hips, I could not fix. Whatever the tragedies of her life, I could not fix.
Lonerwolf does people like us a great service, it gives us a place to talk when we have no other place. You are feeling lost now. Of course you are, I can’t fix that, nobody can, only to let you know that you are not alone, I cannot remember a time when I did not feel lost and alone in a space that no one else could imagine or was even interested in imagining. We are here to learn, we will live hard lives, we will die, and be reborn again and again until we are ready to surrender our mortality and return to the soul of the Great Spirit from whence we came, as if we are cups of water being poured back into the sea.
Reality, I think, is that most people feel lost and alone, if you are walking the Spirit way you accept it, recognize it, embrace it, live with it, no matter how painful it may be; most people do all kinds of substance addictions and – mostly – behavioral addictions – to distract them from their lostness and aloneness.
Remember the song, Old Man River? – ” Me and you, we sweat and strain, body achin’ an’ wracked with pain . . .” . . . the universal human experience . . . “Take me ‘way from d’ Mississippi, take me ‘way from d’ rich man boss, show me d’ way to the River Jordan, dat’s the only river I wants to cross . . .”
You can hear it again on YouTube.
Synchronicity was at work because this arrived in my inbox on a day where the prevalence of existential depression crept in again. Your description of this condition is EXACTLY what I have been going through for the past year or so . I am an INFJ who just made a major life change, and have always been deeply invested in my spirituality, but have always felt alone on my journey. This article helped me feel like there are actually people out there with whom I can relate. Thank you so much for your insight and help!
This article reached my inbox just at the right time,at some point i thought i was loosing my awakening. I’m fairly new with spiritual encounters especially now that it has come to me that i need to connect,honor and celebrate my ancestors.The past 3 months have been quite overwhelming mentally and physically.