Self-Compassion: 9 Ways to Heal Your Deepest Wounds

You know quite well, deep within you,
that there is only a single magic,
a single power,
a single salvation …
and that is called loving.

– Hermann Hesse

Our lives are much like movies, and we are the unknowing participants sitting in that theater. Throughout our days, we become so involved in this movie that we forget that we’re just witnesses.

Memories, reenactments of past experiences, mental chatter, triggered emotions, beliefs, presumptions, judgments, and future worries constantly play through our minds.

And among all of this clutter, we cling to a story of us, of how bad, stupid, selfish, ugly, lost, or messed up we are.

This constant mental stream within us is so subtle and elusive that we aren’t usually aware of it.

Most of the time, this storyline stream is just below our consciousness, and because of that, we mindlessly carry out its bidding.

No wonder we feel so imbalanced, insecure, and depressed!

We have become so automatically attached to this dramatic story of ourselves that we forget that we are the unchanging observer — the eternal consciousness — behind this volatile stream.

Every story we have about ourselves has a beginning, a middle, and an end. And in our lives, we identify ourselves with multiple stories — sometimes destructive, sometimes lofty and majestic. But they are all stories just the same.

Sometimes, we become so heavily invested in these volatile stories that we create habits of pain, self-loathing, and chaos in our lives.

This is where the practice of self-compassion comes in – the deepest form of self-love.

Self-compassion is the key to liberating ourselves from the old dead stories running the show behind the scenes. And I want to teach you it today.

What’s the Difference Between Self-Care, Self-Love, and Self-Compassion?

Firstly, you might wonder whether there’s a difference between self-care, self-love, and self-compassion, especially since self-care and self-love are already discussed so much.

To answer clearly, yes, there is a difference.

While self-care is primarily focused on taking care of physical needs, self-love is about taking care of our mental and emotional self, and self-compassion goes one step deeper and is about taking care of our entire being as a whole.

Self-care and self-love are very habit-focused.

We can “do” self-care and self-love just as we can do the washing or cook a meal. They can be easily put on a to-do list.

Learning how to reparent our inner child, for instance, often requires us to adopt self-care and self-love practices into our lives.

We may ask ourselves internally, “Have I got enough food or sleep today?” (self-care) and “Have I done my affirmations or mirror work?” (self-love). And these are essential for our well-being.

Self-compassion differs in that it is a gestalt (or what the dictionary defines as “something that is made of many parts and yet is somehow more than or different from the combination of its parts”).

In other words, self-compassion is a philosophy of life, a way of being.

Self-compassion requires a deep fundamental shift in the way we think about, feel towards, and treat ourselves – and it is an essential element to cultivate within our spiritual journeys.

Self-Compassion, Soul Work, and the Spiritual Journey (How Are They Connected?)

Repeatedly through life, we hear cliches like “love is all you need,” “we are all love,” “love will set you free,” and “love conquers all.”

But there’s a reason why these sayings are so commonly shared: there’s actually wisdom and truth within them!

Self-compassion is a crucial part of our soul work on the spiritual journey because it IS an expression of the soul.

If soul work is all about listening to your soul’s calling to reconnect with your True Nature or your Deepest Self, self-compassion is the holy doorway.

At our core, Love is who we are – love that is all-embracing, impartial, and completely whole. I call it the luminous field of awareness. Others call it Buddha Nature or Christ Consciousness.

When we embrace self-compassion as not just a way of life, but a way of being, we are living from our souls and embodying our Truest Nature.

It is this profound quality that liberates us from experiences of depression, anxiety, soul loss, existential suffering, and the dark night of the soul.

Can you see how essential, how central, self-compassion is on our journeys as spiritual wanderers and seekers?

Why Self-Compassion is the Healing Balm to Our Deepest Wounds

Self-compassion is vital at every stage of the spiritual wanderer’s journey of awakening.

At first, we may experience it in the form of basic self-care, especially if we’re beginners who have trouble with the idea of self-love.

Then, we may experience it as self-kindness – an attitude of being friendly and considerate towards ourselves.

As we go deeper into the spiritual awakening path, we may develop self-love and learn how to love ourselves and care for our inner child, especially as we work through old traumas and wounds.

Finally, we may recognize that love IS the answer and has been our loyal companion since the very start. Without it, we feel lost. But with it, we can journey into the darkest places within ourselves and befriend our oldest demons.

In other words, we begin to recognize the power of self-compassion as a way of life – it is the healing balm to our deepest wounds and the gateway to our deeper selves.

The mind can only take us so far. When we get lost in its stories, fantasies, projections, and beliefs, we lose touch with the force of love that is self-compassion. We start chasing our tail, enter doom spirals of repeated habits, and feel lost.

But with self-compassion, we find a path forward. We come back home to the here and now, to the warmth of our souls.

How to Cultivate Self-Compassion (9 Deep Paths)

Self-compassion is an advanced and mature form of self-love – it encompasses self-love but also transcends it, meaning that our love isn’t only directed to ourselves, but to others as well.

To me, this is what makes self-compassion so beautiful and profound: it is a way of life, a philosophy, and a way of bringing the healing energy of love not just to ourselves but to those around us, too.

The energy we transmit into this world makes a difference and people can feel it. When we cultivate self-compassion, we not only become more loving towards ourselves but to those around us, and even to all of life.

There’s certainly a mystical dimension to self-compassion in that it increases feelings of oneness and unity within us and our lives.

So, how do we begin growing in self-compassion? There are so many wonderful resources out there, like the work of Kristin Neff and Tara Brach.

Here’s a brief summary of some valuable paths to explore based on my own experience:

1. Begin With Self-Care and Move Into Self-Kindness

For many of us (myself included), the notion of self-compassion is a little intimidating at the start – especially if ingrained patterns of negative self-talk and low self-esteem are on the table.

It’s very difficult to move from a self-loathing mindset to living in a space of warm self-compassion just like that. So don’t worry if you struggle to feel confident in your ability to do this.

I recommend beginning with basic self-care instead. Learn how to nurture yourself on a physical level first. For instance, get enough sleep, improve your eating habits, and exercise each day.

Next comes self-kindness, which is essentially just a way of saying, “Be nice to yourself, okay?” You don’t need to become your own best friend immediately, instead, let yourself warm up to this new way of treating yourself.

Two helpful posts that can help you go deeper into these topics are my guide on self-care and my post on practicing self-kindness.

2. Start a (Realistic!) Daily Self-Love Practice

“Oh great, another thing I have to do!” a part of you may be thinking.

But creating a daily self-love practice doesn’t have to look like those elaborate 3-hour rituals we see people flaunt on social media.

A daily self-love practice needs to be simple, easy to keep up, and enjoyable.

Some ideas (choose 1 or 2) you can play with are:

• Journaling for 5 minutes in the morning
• Meditating for 5 minutes in the afternoon
• Doing some mindful breathwork for 2 minutes after lunch
• Saying something nice to yourself in the mirror after showering (mirror work)
• Choosing to paint or draw instead of scroll through social media in the evenings
• Pulling an oracle, tarot, or affirmation card for yourself at the start or end of the day

You can also listen to guided self-love visualizations or grow in more self-love by using an in-depth journal like my highly-rated Self-Love Journal (easy to edit on your phone, convenient, and printable!).

3. Strengthen Your Mindfulness Muscles

Practicing mindfulness every day can help you stay grounded and present and, therefore, give you the ability to cultivate authentic self-compassion (which requires both of these qualities).

I recommend strengthening your mindfulness muscle through a simple meditation practice in the morning or evening.

This practice could be either a passive or active meditation. Start with 10 minutes, or if you can, ideally 20 minutes or more.

Here’s a simple practice:

• Sit in a comfortable position with your back upright but relaxed. Think of your body as a majestic mountain.
• Then, settle into your breath. Notice the cold sensation as it comes in your nostrils, and warmth as it goes out of your mouth. You can also focus on external sounds or other physical parts of your body.
• Thoughts, sensations, memories, and feelings will arise and pull you away at first, but gently draw yourself back towards your breath and become aware of them whenever you can.
• You can also use symbolic imagery to connect with that conscious, unmoving, eternal essence within you. For instance, you may like to visualize the spacious sky, a vast clear ocean, or the image of “peeling back” your thoughts until you become acquainted with the stillness beneath them.

Continue whatever mindfulness practice you enjoy most each day and make adjustments as you see fit. Some practices may aid you, while others may inhibit you, so experiment with what works for you best.

4. Notice External Triggers

Become aware of the triggers that cause your negative inner stories to automatically arise. Ask yourself, “What external triggers provoke painful inner feelings or thoughts within me?”

For example, triggers I’ve discovered in my own life include shopping centers, certain scenes in TV shows, busyness, the nighttime, prolonged eye contact with certain types of people, and even social media sites like Instagram and Facebook.

The point here isn’t to avoid these triggers but to simply become aware of them. This will help you become more conscious of any automatic thoughts or feelings you have in the future.

5. Notice Uncomfortable Feelings and Sensations

Building from the previous point, become aware of the feelings associated with your inner story. These feelings are both emotional and also sensory-based.

For example, common physical feelings involve stiff muscles, clenched jaws, hot flushes, chills, increased heartbeat, numbness, sweating, dizziness, etc.

Common emotional responses may involve feeling shame, guilt, grief, anger, embarrassment, rejection, and anxiety.

Becoming aware of your triggers takes a bit of practice. Often I uncover a string of triggers involved in my storylines. This is why I mentioned mindfulness right at the top of this list as it’s an essential muscle to strengthen that can help you.

Journaling about how you feel and tracking your uncomfortable inner feelings and sensations can also make this practice easier.

6. Face What You Are Avoiding

When you feel grounded and calm (this is important, as you don’t want to be dissociated from doing this work), consciously allow yourself to feel the mental, emotional, and physical triggers that have arisen during your day.

Notice your tendency to run away from them, dramatize them, or distract yourself from these triggers. Accept this tendency and show yourself gentle consideration and kindness.

Allow yourself to open up to whatever you feel. Notice how temporary the thought or feeling is and allow it to pass in and out of consciousness.

Any form of creative self-expression (writing, drawing, making music, dancing) is a powerful way of facing and processing difficult emotions that you want to avoid.

7. Dissect Your False Self-Beliefs

Self-compassion is about learning how to be awake.

Being awake is about recognizing that you are not your inner volatile stream of thoughts, emotions, and sensations. Like clouds passing through the sky, these things come and go. But they are not you.

Whenever you have a judgemental or self-hating thought, it is actually possible to hold that thought in conscious awareness, allowing it to pass without believing it to be “you.”

To learn how to hold your thoughts in awareness, you may like to start by dissecting your false self-beliefs. Why not take a moment to inspect your story right now?

Think of a recent situation that has made you mistreat yourself in some way, then ask yourself:

• What do I think about myself in this situation?
• When did I start thinking and feeling this way?
• What core beliefs does this story involve (e.g., “I feel unwanted,” “I am not good enough,” “I always disappoint people”)?
• What external events trigger you to repeat this story in your head (e.g., being alone at night, fighting with your partner, feeling inferior)?
• What “proof” is there that this story is real? Can you absolutely know that this proof is real? Provide evidence that it may be false.
• How does your story influence your actions?
• What would your life look like without this story?

Uprooting old and sometimes deeply ingrained habits of mind requires persistence and patience. By learning to use your mind like a sword, you can cut through old beliefs and learn how to let them go so that you can allow for more self-compassion.

8. Become Your Own Loving Friend or Mother/Father

Ask yourself, “How would I treat myself if I was my own loving friend/mother/father?”

Reflect on the way you treat yourself when your story is dominating your mind. Are you cold-hearted, critical, and ruthless? Would you treat a friend or child like that?

It’s normal to treat ourselves harshly – most of us didn’t have models of self-compassion growing up. So don’t worry if you struggle with self-judgmental or rejecting tendencies.

Allow yourself to be kind to your lack of kindness, forgiving to your lack of forgiveness, and accepting of your lack of acceptance.

Treat all inner parts of you with understanding, just as a loving friend or parent would.

In particular, befriend your inner child and take care of the younger and more vulnerable places within yourself – this is a crucial part of deepening your self-compassion.

Remember that you’re not defined by any of these parts, but you are instead the loving witness behind them. This is what it means to be Soul-led instead of ego-centered.

9. Acknowledge Your Shared Humanity

Whenever a negative story about yourself takes hold, allow yourself to acknowledge the shared humanity of these feelings.

You are not alone in your feelings — how could you be? Go search your problem on the internet, for instance, and you’ll find many others who share similar problems. And yet, your story tends to convince you otherwise and keeps you feeling isolated.

Acknowledging your shared imperfect humanity also helps you to extend compassion to others as well. You’ll start feeling more compassion and understanding even for those who mistreat you, seeing that their behavior comes from a place of pain that you also carry deep inside.

This doesn’t mean you become a martyr or push-over; you’ll still be motivated to set boundaries (a form of self-compassion itself). But you also won’t be stuck in patterns of rage, bitterness, and pain as easily.

Self-compassion makes our inner and outer worlds more peaceful, harmonious, and joyful.

11 Profound Self-Compassion Quotes to Contemplate

These self-compassion quotes offer a variety of fresh perspectives on this deeply essential topic. I hope they spark revelations in you:

A human being … experiences himself … as something separated from the rest – a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness …. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature …

— Albert Einstein

If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.

— Jack Kornfield

Whenever I notice something about myself I don’t like, or whenever something goes wrong in my life, I silently repeat the following phrases: This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.

― Kristin Neff

I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. Simple in actions and in thoughts, you return to the source of being. Patient with both friends and enemies, you accord with the way things are. Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

— Lao Tzu

The beginner’s mind is the mind of compassion. When our mind is compassionate, it is boundless.

— Shunryu Suzuki

Compassion arises when you recognize that all are suffering from the same sickness of the mind, some more acutely than others … The mind-identified state is severely dysfunctional. It is a form of insanity. Almost everyone is suffering from this illness in varying degrees. The moment you realize this, there can be no more resentment. How can you resent someone’s illness? The only appropriate response is compassion.

— Eckhart Tolle

If one is cruel to himself, how can we expect him to be compassionate with others?

— Hasdai Ibn Shaprut

Your “wounds” are not aberrations or faults in your system, or signs that you are beyond repair or “too sensitive” for this world; they are the lead, the base metal, the undigested elements of your psyche waiting to be alchemically transmuted into gold. There is simply no part of you that does not belong, no weather that is fundamentally unwelcome in the sky of your awareness.

– Jeff Foster

No amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance.

– Robert Holden

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!

– Rumi

The only path that can carry me home is the path of self-compassion.

― Tara Brach

***

Self-compassion is a rich and deep philosophy of life as well as a powerful healing balm to our deepest wounds and traumas. It is at the heart of all inner work.

I hope this guide has helped you see just how vital this quality is, not only to our paths as spiritual wanderers but also to life as a whole.

What is your biggest struggle with self-compassion? I’d love to hear any thoughts or comments you have below.