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ยป Home ยป Starting The Journey

18 Signs You Have a Poorly Developed Sense of Self (+ What to Do)

by Aletheia Luna ยท Updated: Jan 13, 2023 ยท 84 Comments

Image of a woman struggling to feel her sense of self
Sense of self identity confidence self-esteem image

If you are a follower of any form of spirituality (or religion), you have likely come across the notion that the ego is โ€œbadโ€ and is the enemy of your growth.

You may have even come across writers, teachers, and speakers who propagate the idea of ego death; the purging, killing, or desperately trying to transcend the ego in order to attain states of bliss and cosmic unity.

Yes, itโ€™s true that having a sense of self can be tremendously limiting and destructive. BUT if we only see the ego as โ€œbadโ€ we arenโ€™t seeing the whole picture.


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Having a strong sense of self is not only vital in everyday life but is alsoย essential for the spiritual path. I know that may sound absurd but hang in there. Iโ€™ll explain why we all need a clearly defined ego โ€“ especially on the spiritual path โ€“ below.

Table of contents

  • What is the Sense of Self?
  • 18 Signs of a Poorly Developed Sense of Self
  • 9 Ways to Develop a Strong Sense of Self

What is the Sense of Self?

Quite simply, your sense of self is the identity you carry around all day every day โ€“ it is your sense of โ€œthis is meโ€ and โ€œthis is not me.โ€ The sense of self, also known as the ego, is an image we carry around in our minds about who we are. When we have a strong sense of self, we are able to differentiate ourselves from other people. It is the biological, psychological, emotional, and spiritual destiny of all human beings to create a strong sense of self.

18 Signs of a Poorly Developed Sense of Self

Image of a sad woman struggling to feel her sense of self

As a person who was raised in a fundamentalist Christian cult, I know all too well how important developing a strong identity is.

Growing up, any time I tried to assert a differentiated sense of self, I was torn down by my parents and the fundamentalist religion they held dear. The only acceptable identity permitted in my childhood was identifying with a group mentality (i.e. the โ€œrighteous servants of Godโ€) and religious ideal (being a โ€œgood and faithful Christianโ€). Not being given permission or space to grow a clear identity meant that I developed a weak sense of self that spiraled into serious mental health issues โ€“ some of which Iโ€™m still working through today.

But you donโ€™t have to be raised in an intensely religious atmosphere to develop a weak sense of self. I believe that having a weak sense of self is an epidemic issue infecting humanity worldwide. I would go so far as saying that most of us have poorly developed identities.

Why?

Letโ€™s take a few moments to consider a basic question:


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To what degree were the qualities of self-understanding and self-knowledge honored in your environment growing up?

If youโ€™re like most people, your response will be โ€œnot that much.โ€

Not only were these qualities non-existent (or never spoken about) but you were probably also taught who you โ€œshouldโ€ be according to your parents and societyโ€™s standards. In other words, you were never encouraged to develop a strong sense of self.

There are serious consequences involved with failing to develop your ego fully. Symptoms of a weak identity include:

  • Losing your sense of self in romantic relationships
  • Codependent tendencies (where your happiness is dependent on others being happy)
  • Enmeshment with your parents (difficulty separating your thoughts and feelings from your parentโ€™s thoughts and feelings)
  • Inability to create strong boundaries (resulting in massive energy loss)
  • Scattered priorities (e.g. not knowing how to manage your time and energy)
  • Aimlessness and difficulty setting goals
  • Not knowing what you want to do with your life
  • Group mentality (i.e. tendency to create an identity based on an ideal held by a group of people)
  • Increased susceptibility to peer pressure (i.e. being pressured by others to do things that make you feel uncomfortable or arenโ€™t authentic to you)
  • Empathy overload (empathizing too much with others that you lose yourself)
  • Social anxiety (feeling overwhelmed by others because you donโ€™t have a solid identity)
  • Low self-esteem (weak identity + not knowing much about yourself = tendency to feel suspicious and doubtful of yourself)
  • Chronic low-grade to intense anxiety (due to not feeling at โ€˜homeโ€™ within yourself because you have a weak sense of self)
  • Feeling lost in life
  • The tendency to be taken advantage of by others
  • Living another personโ€™s definition of โ€œhappyโ€ or โ€œsuccessโ€
  • Disconnection from your true needs, desires, and dreams
  • Feelings of emptiness inside

Pause for a moment and notice how you feel. Tune into your body if that helps to ground you. How do you feel in response to the list above? If you feel a sense of physical discomfort or strong emotions arising, itโ€™s likely that this list has triggered you. Being triggered here is a good thing because it is a clear sign that you need to develop a stronger sense of self. Weโ€™ll explore how to do that soon.

But first, letโ€™s explore why developing a firm sense of self is not only your birthrightย but also your destiny.

9 Ways to Develop a Strong Sense of Self

It is your birthright to develop your ego and soul.

To paraphrase philosopher and integral theorist Ken Wilber, we need to wake up and grow up.

But what does this mean?

To grow up means to psychologically mature and create a clear identity or ego. Psychologist Carl Jung referred to the process of ego development and integration as individuation.

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Without a clear and healthy ego we run the risk of living scattered, confused, and empty lives. When coupled with spirituality, a poorly developed ego leads to issues such as an absence of spiritual discernment which can lead to spiritual misuse and abuse.

What are spiritual misuse and abuse?

Spiritual abuse means being sucked in by corrupt spiritual teachers and movements that seek power, money, and fame. And yes, there are plenty out there. Spiritual abuse also manifests as the cult mentality where a person with a weak sense of self can easily be brainwashed to lose all sense of personal sovereignty.

Spiritual misuse, on the other hand, means letting the personal shadow taint spirituality through spiritual pride, spiritual codependence, spiritual narcissism, and spiritual bypassing. You can read more about these spiritual traps in our spiritual discernment article.

Life is about balance. We are both human and divine, so it makes sense to fully explore and develop both sides of our nature.

If you are seeking to develop a stronger sense of self, here are my suggestions:

1. Learn how to be alone

Solitude may sound like a scary word or idea, but it is actually a deeply nourishing practice. To make space to be alone with yourself is the best first step to developing a strong identity. How often are you genuinely alone (with no technological distractions) or people around you? The reason why making time each day to be alone is so beneficial is that it creates a space for you to listen to your inner self. Being alone means that all external distractions are set aside and you are left with yourself. If you havenโ€™t done this much before, it may sound intimidating. Subconsciously many of us fear solitude because it brings up everything that weโ€™ve been trying to avoid. But try to gently push through this discomfort and realize that alone time is absolutely essential for developing a strong sense of self.

To ease any fear you may have, set yourself a task to do that involves self-exploration. For example, try learning how to journal, artistically expressing your feelings and thoughts, or simply sitting down and listening to some emotional music. Find ways to be with yourself and explore your inner world. If you donโ€™t have much time to spare, squeeze in your solitude time in an activity you already do. For example, spend your lunch break, toilet break, shower time or moments before bed with your thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, the more time you dedicate to being alone and exploring your inner self the more you will get back.

2. Clearly define your likes, dislikes, and values

For this activity, you will need a piece of paper and aย pen. Divide your page into three parts: one section for your likes, one section for your dislikes, and the last section for your values. For your likes and dislikes section, think back to moments in life where you felt either extremely happy or extremely unhappy. You can also think about what traits you like and dislike in other people. Write down your discoveries on your piece of paper. You might also like to reflect on the qualities of your role models and also enemies. What do you like and dislike about each? Record your reflections.

Values are what you honor/respect the most in yourself and others. Examples of values include being generous, being honest, being in touch with spirituality, going the extra mile, etc. Our values are unique to us and come from our hearts and souls. To discover your values, you will need to ask the question, โ€œWhat qualities canโ€™t I live without both in myself and others?โ€ If this question doesnโ€™t bring up any strong responses, think about times in your life when you felt the most proud of yourself and write them down. What qualities motivated your behavior? Write down your response.

3. Draw boundaries and say โ€œnoโ€

Learn to be assertive. By creating strong boundaries, you are strengthening your sense of self by defining what is and is not okay in social situations. You might also like to pay attention to any people in your life who are frequently overstepping your boundaries. Notice how you feel around every person in your life โ€“ do they support and uplift you or do they drag you down. If you constantly feel drained, depressed or unhappy with yourself after an encounter with a specific person, consider limiting your contact with them. You have every right to take a step back, create rules, and say โ€œno.โ€ Your time and energy is a limited resource, so ensure that those who drain you of it are put at armโ€™s length.

4. Stop the busyness and tune into your inner self

Working too much can be a form of socially acceptable escapism. Why? When we focus on achieving goals and being productive, we are simultaneously taking attention away from ourselves and directing it externally. Now, thereโ€™s nothing wrong with being an efficient member of society. But beware of using your work life to escape your inner life.

If you are constantly on your toes working, consider simplifying your life โ€“ even temporarily. Cut back on your commitments and do only what is necessary. Spend the rest of your free time exploring yourself and developing self-knowledge. One great way of developing a solid sense of self is by practicing mindfulness exercises and meditation. Mindfulness helps you to reconnect with the present moment and how your mind, heart, and body feels. Meditation, on the other hand, helps you to pay attention to your inner thoughts. Try experimenting with both. I recommend listening to guided meditation and mindfulness sessions at first as they take the pressure out of wondering what to do next. Tara Brach has many wonderful meditations on youtube that I personally listen to.

5. Redefine what success, happiness, and fulfillment mean to YOU

If you have a poorly developed sense of self, chances are that you are living out an idea of success, happiness, and fulfillment that others have handed to you. Donโ€™t worry, this is absolutely normal. I have experienced the confusion and frustration of living out another personโ€™s definition of who I โ€œshouldโ€ be as well. But now is your opportunity to change that. Now is your opportunity to see that you donโ€™t need to be rich or mainstream to be successful โ€“ YOU define success. Now is your opportunity to see that you donโ€™t need to have a fancy job or big family to be happy โ€“ YOU define happiness. Now is your opportunity to see that you donโ€™t have to be spiritually elevated to experience fulfillment โ€“ YOU define what fulfillment means to you. Your life is in your hands and is of your making. Donโ€™t let anyone try to tell you what you should be doing, feeling, thinking or striving for. Itโ€™s okay to say โ€œno, thatโ€™s not me.โ€

6. Learn more about your personality

Your personality is unique and multifaceted โ€“ and there are so many ways of exploring it! Diving into the mechanics of your ego is fascinating and we have dedicated a large portion of this website to personality tests and articles that encourage self-reflection. Other than the numerous books, workshops, and coaching sessions out there, you can also experiment with taking personality tests (see our tests page) which is a fun way of getting to know yourself better.


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7. Take responsibility for yourself only (not other people)

Having a weak sense of self means that you are prone to over-empathize with others to the point of taking responsibility for their feelings and actions. Stop that. Realize that the only person you are responsible for is yourself. Your parents, friends, colleagues, children, and partner are all ultimately responsible for their own happiness โ€“ itโ€™s NOT your job to make them happy. They are responsible for making themselves happy. With the exception of small children who need constant guidance, those in your life who have grown and matured need to get a grip on their own lives. By trying to take responsibility for others, you are depriving them of the ability to learn an essential life lesson: that we must all be sovereign and take control of our perspectives, feelings, and actions. It is not your job to be friends with everyone, care-take everyone, save everyone, or please everyone. Keep affirming this to yourself and you will find it easier to strengthen your identity as youโ€™ll no longer be giving all that energy away to others.

8. Explore your passions

What makes you excited? What makes you feel alive? What activities call to you? By exploring your passions, you are aiding the process of individuation or ego development that we must all go through. Pay attention to what hobbies or skills grab you and pull you in. Give yourself permission to follow these passions and see where they lead you.

9. Be a rebel: question everything

As Carl Jung โ€“ a great proponent of developing a healthy sense of self โ€“ once wrote:

I studiously avoided all so-called holy men. I did so because I had to make do with my own truth, not accept from others what I could not attain on my own … I must shape my life out of myself, out of what my inner being tells me or what nature brings to me.

This quote embodies the essence of what developing a strong sense of self means. To have a healthy ego means to trust in yourself and to listen to your own truth.

Developing a strong identity involves a certain level of willfulness or willpower. You must be willing to question every way others try to influence you and ask โ€œDoes this feel true to me?โ€ and โ€œDoes this feel right?โ€ It is inevitable that through life, you will be presented with numerous points of view, beliefs, values, and ideals from others that donโ€™t feel authentic to you. In order to distinguish between what feels authentic and inauthentic, you must question and pay attention to your inner feelings. So next time you start feeling insecure, unworthy or like youโ€™re not measuring up, ask yourself, โ€œAm I believing something I havenโ€™t questioned?โ€ and โ€œAm I using someone elseโ€™s yardstick to measure myself up to?โ€

***

What are your struggles and experiences with developing a sense of self? Iโ€™d love to hear your story in the comments!

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About Aletheia Luna

Aletheia Luna is a prolific psychospiritual writer, author, educator, and intuitive guide whose work has touched the lives of millions worldwide. As a survivor of fundamentalist religious abuse, her mission is to help others find love, strength, and inner light in even the darkest places. She is the author of hundreds of popular articles, as well as numerous books and journals on the topics of Self-Love, Spiritual Awakening, and more. [Read More]

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  1. Chloe says

    May 01, 2021 at 12:54 pm

    I feel as though my mother has projected her issues onto me for virtually my whole life. I have noticed she seems to bring out the worst in me when I am around her. I have grown up thinking I am depressed and useless and now at 31 I have started to discover my sense of self and that perhaps she is the one who has been experiencing depression and has assumed I am feeling the same way, if that makes any sense…..

    Reply
  2. Wolfpackshawn says

    March 14, 2021 at 9:32 am

    This is a joke. Youโ€™re teaching people to be selfish and not take any responsibility for their actions. Isolation and alienating people who donโ€™t enable your shitty behaviour isnโ€™t the path the gaining a strong sense of self. At all. It robs you of new perspectives, places blame on others and creates a narcissistic shell of a once beautiful, empathetic & giving soul. Shame on you. You should take a hard look at your own sense of self by means of self reflection.

    Reply
    • DumbassShawn says

      April 02, 2021 at 10:59 pm

      You have no clue what you’re talking about. This article is clearly not meant for you. Your lack of ability to relate to this doesn’t give you basis to spread your stupidly ignorant opinions.

      Reply
    • Shreyansh says

      June 05, 2021 at 1:44 am

      No buddy, one can take responsibility of their action if they have the sense of self,and obviously self is required to be selfish, when it’s weak, one cannot take responsibility even if the person wants to, it becomes difficult for them to be a strong responsible person, and no one likes irresponsible naive dependent person and no one should be, this is not the way to live life. And it’s my personal experience, i’m having a really difficult time from the past 3 years, and this article is really helpful for me.

      Reply
  3. Mitushi says

    January 18, 2021 at 2:31 pm

    I read these and I know the suggestions will help me, but there is an impulse to run away from the work somehow.

    Reply
  4. Debbie Bradek says

    October 01, 2020 at 1:15 am

    This article was spot on and was so helpful I picked apart each statement I could in this article blog whatever you wanna call it and I picked it apart so much digging deeper and deeper and deeper into the meaning of what it was truly trying to resonate and communicate to me and it was mine blowingly accurately profoundly inspiringly educationally precisely exquisite! thank you so much for this thank you!

    Reply
  5. Ohga says

    September 02, 2020 at 5:31 pm

    I am Russian. How it apply to me? My people not like this.

    Reply
  6. 5.13am says

    August 12, 2020 at 12:14 pm

    I’m here because, I had a few dates with someone that didn’t work out. And when I asked them why they said I don’t have a sense of self (in a nicer way than that). Or maybe I do but I’m too afraid to stand up for it. I don’t understand it yet, but thank you for the article

    Reply
  7. Tina says

    July 01, 2020 at 6:32 am

    “If you were to the leader of a newfound community, what values would you impose and why?” This question was asked at a comversation social I went to last year. I didn’t have an answer. At All. But the person I was paired with did. She rattled off a string of things and I found myself nodding along but it was also then that I discovered that I had a problem and honestly it makes me frustrated with myself. This is a great article. I’ve come to realize that I lived my life for others & society, for their approval, piece of mind, and acceptance. Almost every major decision I’ve made since I was 11 was because of my lack of self and fear and now I’m trying to find my way back to that girl who was curious about the world. This article has inspired me to start a journal on me and my self but quiet alone time is such a struggle for me because of obsessive thoughts. Thank you, I look forward to exploring the rest of your website.

    Reply
  8. Ceilidh Thomas says

    June 03, 2020 at 8:23 am

    I asked a question on a different topic yesterday about how can you be vulnerable when you’re not sure about your identity. I then stumbled across this topic and it explains alot.
    It feels good to have expressed an internal feeling about my identity problems (lack of sense of self) which I haven’t told anyone and its felt an alienating feeling to admit – not knowing my identity.
    So I’m thankful for reading this topic as its a reminder that many other people are struggling with the same problems I have. Its just not spoken about in “real life”.

    Reply
  9. Elsa says

    April 25, 2020 at 10:41 pm

    Thank you for this wonderful article. I am going through a divorce and I realized I was in a fusional relationship due to my poor sense of self. I absolutely need to develop my own sense of self because my former spouse is still holding on to my feelings for them and is at the same time dating a new person. I have always put my marriage first in my life, and when they left me, I wanted to do anything to save the relationship. However, I cannot accept that they are seeing someone else and trying to make me believe they want to work on our marriage at the same time. This situation is causing me so much distress and pain. I need to stop seeing my relationship as my priority and my identity, and I need to develop my own sense of self to take my own life into my hands. However, in preparing to do the activities your suggest in this article, I find myself wondering if some of my values and likes are actually coming from my true self, or if they come from my skewed view of the world where I was putting others before myself. How are we supposed to make sure that our values and likes actually come from us and not from our lifelong tendency to want to please others and get comfort from that?

    Reply
    • Mathi says

      November 02, 2021 at 6:46 am

      Hello
      In response to your comment
      How are we supposed to make sure that our values and likes actually come from us and not from our lifelong tendency to want to please others and get comfort from that
      I thought the answer is to try different things and ask yourself โ€œdoes this bring me pleasure?โ€ Try different activities and behaviours and see if they feel right for you, and see if you then want to do them again.
      This may hopefully be of help!

      Reply
  10. Andrew says

    March 09, 2020 at 3:22 am

    There is so much I feel I need to say but I’ll try to just be simple about it. I only can think of few points in my life where I was at my most happiest and proudest moment in my life. And without going long winded, those were moments of my wants in need and not influenced by anyone else. My so called self was crafted by others directions upon me and not of my own volition. I lately have been questioning myself of what makes me happy. Then I questioned, was “I ever happy to begin with”. All I have are negative thoughts like, “the only way to get what you want is to have money, and if you don’t have money then you have nothing. Because the things you want come with a price tag, and to get that price tag you must work for others in a job you hate for the rest of your life because it’s what the market demands. You want to be a successful writer or poet, well tough, you’ll never make a living doing that”. That thought has been sunk into my head for a while now to the point of feeling completely numb. To the point of forgetting who I am. There is so much more I wish I can share but my brain is going a million directions to no directions. I want to be free of these negative thoughts and reclaim my identity, reclaim what happiness truly is to me without anyone elses definition of happiness. Thank you for reading.

    Reply
    • V says

      April 22, 2020 at 3:46 pm

      I feel the exact same way. From living life with a job you hate to live the life style you want. I struggle to see the point in life because of how people have to live it… we are brainwashed by society and grow up thinking we have to meet a certain quota to be happy.

      Reply
      • Thom says

        April 30, 2020 at 8:07 am

        As we are all in quarantine, I felt that this would be a good time to reflect on the job that I hate and try to work on my passions–unfortunately, our capitalist system has no room for people who want to do creative work but aren’t entrepreneurs. I want to be a musician and a filmmaker, but there’s so much non-musical or cinematic expertise required to do so that it makes my head spin. So, I get a job with flexible hours and almost enough pay to live on, and now that job is killing my body and soul. We all got quarantined, which I must admit felt like a vacation, to begin with, but after a month, it has started to feel like it’s just prolonging the inevitable return to my soul-crushing job that I SHOULD feel lucky enough to furloughed from rather than fired. I feel like I then SHOULD be learning other, more marketable skills to get better work, but I end up feeling like the only things I can do are play music (which won’t pay, and which is not particularly important) or cook (which barely pays, seems necessary in our economy, and kills me). I feel like there isn’t much point to connecting with my passions, and therefore, not much point to me being alive.

        Reply
        • Nina says

          May 30, 2020 at 11:19 am

          I genuinely feel the same way. Iโ€™ve often fantasized about a world that could support creativity over consumption. I feel that more and more people, artists and activists especially, are rejecting the nightmare that is capitalism. I have hope that perhaps with time and creatives working together, humanity will relinquish itself from so many of our corrupted systems. I struggle with my existentialism everyday in part because I sense a loss of control from living in this society. Still, I persist because among many people and places, I live for art. To experience it and create it. You arenโ€™t alone in your thoughts and I hope you heal. โœจ

          Reply
        • Denise M Gauthier says

          October 01, 2020 at 5:58 pm

          If your employer will let you, perhaps you could listen to music with headphones while you cook. You could practice cords in your head or something. I’m not a music person, but it’s just a thought.

          Reply
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