It’s not happiness that holds the solution to your problems; it is your pain.
Your pain, your darkness, your greatest fears and shadows are the doorways towards your enlightenment.
Within the cobwebs, the dust, the dirt, the dank and rancid confines of your deepest pain, is the key to everything you’ve been searching for.
But most of us don’t understand that the only way around pain is through the pain. Our age-old conditioning whispers in our ear that happiness can be found when we improve this bit of ourselves, change that person, move to this place, get that job, reach this age, obtain that degree … and on and on, ad infinitum.
And there is a certain addictive quality to playing the happiness game. There’s always a new thrill to pursue, a new drama to play out, a new thing to obtain. Quite simply, the pursuit of happiness gives you something to do, so it makes you feel like you’re spending your time meaningfully.
In fact, most of our behavior is driven by chasing happiness. We chase the “ideal” relationship because we feel it will complete us. We chase higher paying jobs and more money because we believe it will bring us more comfort and security which we believe will give us happiness. In wealthy countries, we buy things we don’t need which we believe will make us happy.
But once we reach or obtain what we’ve been pursuing, what happens? How long do we remain happy? Sometimes we feel happy for a week, a month, or even a single moment. But then the feeling passes, and we’re on the treadmill again, peddling frantically for the next “source” of happiness.
And the sad thing is that we often do this completely unconsciously and impulsively.
Yes, the search of happiness is the most common and pathological addiction we all share these days, and indeed, since the beginning of the human race.
The Cure For Pain is in the Pain
The cure for pain, is in the pain. — Rumi (in The Essential Rumi, p. 205)
The greatest pain that I struggle with isn’t anger or sadness, but fear. I put it down to various social, inherited, neurological, hormonal, and psychological factors. But the fact of the matter is that it’s there. And I’ve tried to escape it for my entire life, always on a daily basis.
For as long as I can remember, there has been fear in my life. Fear of God, fear of my parents, fear of my teachers, fear of other people, and ultimately, fear of myself.
I have tried endless practices to deal with this pain. I’ve tried medication, herbs, cognitive behavioral therapy, NLP, hypnosis, affirmations, endless self-help books, and so much more. And while these practices helped for a short while to manage the symptoms, they always felt like ways to avoid, minimize or control what I was feeling.
Eventually, I discovered that no matter how much you run from pain or pretend that it isn’t there, it always quivers close by your feet like a shadow.
And in this discovery, I learned something important which I wish all people on the earth could discover:
the cure for pain IS in the pain.
What does this mean?
As Sufi mystic Rumi so eloquently pointed out, pain offers the very doorway to healing. Your pain is a messenger, a sign, and an opportunity to return to Wholeness again.
Pain is essentially a slap on the face that shouts “Hey! Wake up! You’re resisting or clinging to something here.”
So what can we do when we finally wake up?
How to Overcome Chronic Emotional and Psychological Suffering
When I talk about overcoming chronic emotional and psychological suffering, I’m not talking about a quick-fix, once-and-for-all cure to your pain. Sorry. It just doesn’t work that way.
What I can share with you is a tool that doesn’t try to avoid, minimize or control what you feel, but instead meets it, honors it, and allows it to teach you.
What I’m talking about is something called mindfulness. And from what I’ve experienced, this is the only tool I know of that can help you to meet and overcome pain moment-to-moment.
In terms of awareness, mindfulness is the most powerful soulwork tool I have worked with because it helps you to directly access your inner Higher Nature. What I call Higher Nature here is really only a fancy term for the space inside of yourself that is open, infinite, impersonal and all-loving — and we all possess this unconditionally peaceful space.
Here are some steps to help you overcome chronic suffering:
1. Be willing to face your “Darkscape”
To overcome any chronic suffering you’re experiencing, you really must be willing to search your darkness. You must be willing to face what you have not yet faced, or avoided within you for potentially many years.
Your darkness could be, physically speaking, the size of a fingernail that occasionally pulsates in your chest. Or your darkness may be like a deep chasm or abyss that seemingly has no end. The “Darkscape” within us always varies from person to person and was created from our inherited and early life wounds, as well as learned patterns and beliefs.
2. Learn to become aware of triggers and pain as it arises
This point can be difficult, and it does take practice. Often, we tend to be stuck in the habit of immediately reacting to whatever pain arises inside of us. We become like robots that automatically switch on “self-protection” mode. We protect ourselves by withdrawing, suppressing, repressing, avoiding, or getting angry and defensive.
Becoming aware of triggers and pain as it arises requires you to practice meditation. You can also become aware of your internal “Feelingscape” through the regular practice of mindfulness. In fact, mindfulness and meditation go together seamlessly, and I recommend both of them.
To practice this skill, you will need to commit to it daily. But, let me guarantee, the time you spend will be MORE than worth it.
3. When pain arises, allow it and hold it in awareness
It is hardwired into us to avoid that which causes us pain in life. What I’m asking you to do here may seem fundamentally counterproductive. But I challenge you to do it and see if it doesn’t make a difference to your life.
The most important part of holding your pain in awareness is non-judgment. When you start judging your feeling and judging yourself, you create further constriction and tension within your mind and body. Obviously, this doesn’t lead to any form of resolution — only more pain!
Non-judgement naturally comes from the practice of mindfulness and meditation; it is not something you must “do” as much as something you must “allow.” Does that make sense?
Here is an example of holding pain in awareness and going into it might look like:
You’re about to get shopping out of the boot of your car, and it is nighttime. As you walk out underneath the stars, you start feeling fear creep into your body. The sound of a snapping twig makes you jump and thoughts of kidnappers and murderers start firing through your brain. At once, you become aware of these thoughts and the sensations in your body. Instead of fighting them or dramatizing them, you simply allow them to be there. Instead of closing, you open yourself to the fear, and you find that once it is fully seen and held, it dissipates quickly.
Here’s another example:
Your daughter has just said something hurtful to you. Immediately you recognize the stinging sensation in your chest and angry thoughts arise in your mind. You take a deep breath, observe the feelings and thoughts cascade through you, and then drift away again.
4. Realize that thoughts and feelings are not “you”
Most of us tend to have an unspoken assumption that we are our thoughts and feelings. Einstein called this an “optical illusion” of consciousness. Searching your darkness and allowing your pain to arise is about recognizing that all thoughts and feelings are transient. All of your thoughts and feelings are not you, but instead are spontaneous surges of energy. If you could really control your thoughts and feelings, wouldn’t you always choose to be happy and loving? The fact is that we can’t control the thoughts in our heads. Seeing the essential impersonal nature of thoughts and feelings helps us to become witnesses rather than puppets of our inner landscapes. Understanding that you have no control over thoughts is not about living in denial, but taking responsibility for your happiness by learning how to create more inner space. This inner space will reveal to you your true nature beyond thought and form.
***
Search your darkness, and you will discover your light again. Search your darkness, allow it, and hold it in awareness, and you will see that pain isn’t the problem, resisting and reacting to it, is.
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. — F. Herbert (Dune novel)
The one that struck me is #3, about pain. What happens when lots of people, (not a few hundred, but millions) are experiencing pain? What happens when we all experience cognitive dissonance at the same time?
My pain is different… I lost my soulmate/twin flame July 16th, 2017.. I am 40 now, I met him at 35.. He was what I’ve been waiting for my whole life, he was home to me.. My lover, my therapist, my best friend.. I felt complete for first time in my life.. That quick hes gone and what hurts worse is that approx 7 months of our relationship was me chasing him cause not having him was too painful.. I got him, we moved in together, he was gonna propose and now he passed.. It’s been round year and a half and I cant get it together.. I had a spiritual awakening and i now see that noone seems real in my life. . He was real, he was perfect to me.. I’d of been homeless with this man and been content.. I’m so sad that I wish I could go with him but can’t.. I have kids.. I may sound selfish but speaking truth.. Life seems so long knowing I have to live without him.. I’ve been coping by drugs, drinking and gambling.. I cant get it together.. dk if you could help but I feel so lost.. I know I’m more then just him, but always felt lost in life until I found him…
Then, he’ll lead the way.
I have believed for many years that pain and fear must be faced and accepted. My son taught me that. He passed on 18 yrs ago, he had Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. I knew since he was young that I would more than likely outlive him. He taught me to use the pain for me to survive his death. Due to that experience wisdom came to me and i only him to thank. My fear and pain of losing him gave me the strength i needed to survive. My strength gave him strength and i am forever grateful for the experience and for knowing my hero….my son Joseph.
I recently ended a 13 yr relationship. Last night i was listening to some tunes that reminded me of how much i loved this man and i started to cry. A friend of mine asked me whyam i listening to music that upset me. I told her that for me to move on i must face the pain, if i suppress it it will still be there. I have to deal with it all. When i opened my email today and read this from you, i smiled because i knew i was heading in the right direction. No matter how painful or how long it takes i am truly on my spiritual journey…. Not that i doubted it at all but it helps to hear it from you too. Thank you…
PS. When i have extra $ i fully intend on helping you both
I like your articles on this website. It teaches me a ton of things that I do not get to learn from anywhere else. I believe that no good can exist without bad, and no bad can exist without good. I used to believe that experiencing any negative emotion meant that I was weak until I read this.
On my own journey, which I would say started roughly around 2006-ish. The start of my awakening was triggered by a particularly painful assault (to top off years of emotional abuse by a father-figure) by someone who was known to me at the time. This was accompanied by a very dark night of the soul that seemed to drag on, and I went through all the staged of grief and healing up until the intense inner rage and self-loathing that lasted for years. It was the end of 2013 when I was introduced to the Sedona Method (an emotional releasing concept) that echoes much of your blog post. Basically, in a nutshell: It teaches surrender. Letting go, allowing, diving into the heart of something instead of running away, suppressing or using distractions to cover things up in order to live in the illusion that “everything is fine”, when we’re not. And it was using this method that allowed me to admit to myself that I had been lonely, terrified, hurt and felt so broken by my stolen childhood and teenage years. Lie there was something wrong with me. There was so much shame. It was only recently, after five years of using the method on and off that I’ve been able to let go of the pain to the point of acceptance. Awful stuff happened to me, I can’t change it, but I can grow past it, nurturing and honour myself and forgive to the best of my ability, and made use what I learned then and now to help others who have gone through similar disempowering and painful events. And to be present. Now. It’s here that I can rest in the stillness and know that I am not what has happened to me, I exist beyond the circumstances, emotions and thoughts. I am that which experiences everything.
As in many cases,and I think in this case also, acceptance is key. Not judging, not condoning, not tolerating, but just plain accepting of what is. It will sort of put you in the eye of your mental storm.
Loving your themes here. Agree with much and feels comforting to hear others share my feelings.
But you can’t confidently say that the search for happiness has been a part of us since the beginning of the human race — at least not the way you describe it. Anthropological studies consistently show that the materialistic attitudes that you describe are only a few millenia old at most. Most pre agricultural societies show no evidence of the obsessive urge to achieve things and appeared quite happy without needing much at all.
I’ve been doing inner work for over 20 years, and am just now going into my darkness to integrate it into light. I think I thought I had already done this by recognizing what traumas had occurred in my life, but I felt selfish going into it too far. Now, I’m using a technique of inner child work: when I feel an emotion i know is not my true self, I’m going back to the first time I remember experiencing it as a child, then being in that moment in the first person and feel it. Cry, lie in bed, whatever I need. It’s amazing what other memories come up and the connection i find with that child. I hope this could help someone here.
A lot of the time I feel I might not be where your articles want to lead me. I know much of my anxiety regarding other people, especially men, stems from feelings of abandonment from my father. He was an alcoholic who would stay gone for periods of time. He always let us downm made promises he never kept, and preferred to spend time with his friends and sometimes their children rather than his own family. I recognize this and how jealous I was of others who had good fathers. Is this recognizing a dark side of my nature? When I think of my childhood I feel very sad. My conclusion is that I have not accepted this part of my past, so how when I know I do? I do not think I have put this in perspective as I met someone who reminded me very much of my father and I allowed him to hurt me badly. I do not want to go through that again.
What do you think of the psychology of Carl Jung in relation to this article? His thoughts on shadow work resonate with me quite a lot.
“I must also have a dark side if I am to be whole.”
Hmm, even thou i know this within, i still often find myself chasing happiness and wishfull thinking.
I do know where it is (mostly) coming from.
The career corner.
Not that money or status or whatever is the issue, but rather that my job is making me very unhappy..
Switch career ? easier said then done considering my personal circumstances.
there is hope thou :D
I am really excited to read this and to find this site!!!!! It is again, validation, that I am closer to enlightenment and that despite the extreme opposition towards my beliefs/perceived understanding and knowledge and intuition among several other things, that what others think of me is not of my business. Thank you SO much. Looking forwards to pacing myself through all these amazing resources and gifts of knowledge.
The cool part is that I’m 73 and you’re way not. For me, although it’s been difficult having this conversation with a lot of older folks, it’s becoming very clear that most of the younger people I’ve spoken with are already there. It’s a real bonus to know that critical mass is so much closer than I’d thought. Timing is everything.
Beautifully said, so true. I like the idea of looking at your fears as surges of energy, just passing through, not sticking with you :). I really relate to the thought of stop pursuing happiness and instead be happy with what you have. It feels so much better to be able to just be instead of searching and going back and fort.
Hopefully that idea can translate to action eventually! And you’re right Rachel, it’s so much simpler to not resist what arises, no matter how dark it may be. Not resisting the darkness can be tough at first, but with practice it becomes second nature. Soon we discover that whatever we’re suppressing and repressing is perhaps the most valuable teacher of all, and the doorway to our freedom.
It’s a pleasure to find your insights. I’ve lived a long time and have come to many of the same conclusions. it is truly an affirmation of my own internal dialogue. After so many years on this journey knowing that I’m not on this road alone is a very nice change of pace. It just happens that it took me a lifetime to know for sure this is not my imagination but the rel deal. You guys are ahead on this knowledge and it’s a good sign of things to come.
Thank you for sharing your insights Boogie, and how they confirm what is written here. It’s nice to find those who have discovered the same thing, isn’t it? :)
Great article, Aletheia. Here is another quote you may like from a modern master also showing the way to becoming what we truly are, the infinite awareness in which all we experience arises and falls:
“Be this Aware Presence that you already are, allow every appearance of the mind, body and world simply to appear, remain and disappear in its own time. Have no agenda with yourself (Aware Presence) or with the body/mind/world.” – Rupert Spira
If people want to follow your wise advice and need extra help along the way as to how to recognise this aware presence, they can find free guided meditations and satsangs on YouTube by entering his name.
Hey, thanks Maria. Rupert Spira is a great non-dual teacher, and I also recommend Scott Kiloby, Lisa Cairns, and Unmani for extra guidance.
Thank you, I will look them up
I did look them up and listened to them. It is so fascinating how even when they (and other non-duality teachers) all give the same message, the way they do it is so individual that in hearing each person’s uniqueness, that same message becomes ever more rich and clear. Thank you again, my life has been enhanced by your article and these three teachers I didn’t know before.
Beautiful! That’s very true and the pain needs to be felt. As the pain is the only thing that tells us the strain we are capable of holding. Found this site today and you got some insightful writings. I lately wrote something, this might help to the readers: http://www.lifescrabble.com/the-pain-needs-to-be-felt/
http://www.lifescrabble.com/poetry-the-riddle-of-mind/
I hope you love that too! Have a good day and happy new year. :)
Thanks for sharing Shaurya, you too. :)
Love the article, I appreciate because I see many spiritual people and orgs that believe that spirituality is all about pretending to be happy all the time and never deal with pain.
Yep, Spiritual Bypassing 101. It’s understandable, but something to be careful about that we all fall into sooner or later. True spiritual practice is a painful path, not one full of sunshine and flowers all the time. But those who are willing to put an end to their suffering will be willing to go through the purging fires.
Thank you for this article. It was lovely and very true. I will do my best to do this and try not to judge myself when I don’t or can’t.
Judging yourself is natural and unavoidable, something that can’t be controlled. But what you can do is be aware of your judgements and not take them seriously. After all, they are just thoughts that rise and fall away. All the best Dawn!
Thanks for that. I tend to forget that they are thoughts and not my Self. I wish I could remember especially when I am too depressed. It’s hard to remember the light when you can only see the dark. I always try to remind myself though that everything happens for a reason and that this will pass. I am not as depressed as I was so that is good :) Shadow work helps of course. Sometimes though I am afraid to do it because my mood tends to get dark and I might break down in front of people. I do know though that this all is for the best and that I just need to let whatever happen happen. Blessed Be and Have a great day and life :D
Thank you! -hugs-
Thank you Luna, precisely at the right time for me, as always :)