“People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.” – Tender Branson, (Survivor) by Chuck Palahniuk
Have you ever wondered why Adam and Eve took a bite from the Tree of Knowledge? My theory is that they just got too bored with the perpetual never-changing holy-goodness surrounding them. So instead… they decided to play the devil and spice things up a bit.
If you observe the people in society these days, you can see that my theory may actually be valid. When life is going too neutrally and too equilibriously, people tend to get bored and discontented really easily. The saying “too much of a good thing can be a bad thing” actually makes sense when you observe how much of a Drama Queen you can be in your own life.
How often have you sabotaged your own happiness by creating your own dramas? How often have you found yourself greedily wanting more and more, even though your life is fine the way it is? A few weeks ago I was reading a book where the author discussed his surprise in finding out his friends discontentment with what he had. This man, wealthy and accomplished, had just bought a mansion, had just moved in, and had declared that his next priority was to “buy an even bigger house to live in”.
I’ve observed this kind of Drama Queen behavior in my own life as well, for instance, everything is going all peachy when suddenly I begin to overlook what I have and create tensions, strife and problems for myself. So why exactly do we love living life as Drama Queens, and why do we crave drama so much in our lives?
Are You A Stimulation Seeker?
Ever wondered why the majority of us like watching movies and TV shows like Desperate Housewives, Dexter, American Beauty, and Gran Torino? It’s because the majority of us crave the dramatic and exciting: we’re stimulation seekers. People are attracted to what makes their pulses race, and to what they feel makes their lives more three dimensional.
Just observe all the ladies at bus stops, inside trains and in waiting lounges that read gossip magazines. Gossip is another form of stimulation because it breeds drama and excitement. Ever noticed yourself lapping up the latest gossip, or drama stories like cat milk? Chances are you’re bored or dissatisfied with your life at the moment, and need that little bit of juicy “goss” to add some sparkle to your life.
Kurt Vonnegut once said that we love drama because we desire to conform our lives to the fairytales, and tragedy stories that we’ve heard since childhood. In essence, we’re trying to create a dramatic fairytale out of our lives, and if you think about it, Vonnegut may actually have a point.
If I told you, for instance, that your life could either be a slow, steady and persistent train ride, or an adrenaline pulsing, blood-screaming roller-coaster, which would you choose? If you’re like most people, you most likely chose the latter.
“Live life to the fullest!”
Many people seem to be under the impression that to live life “to the fullest” is to recklessly seek out situations that they believe will add meaning, significance and fulfillment to their lives. Just take the catch-cry of a website I recently discovered as an example. The website is a dating site – except for already married and partnered people. This is what it said …
“Life is short. Have an affair!”
While this did a reasonably good job of making my stomach churn, it’s also a good example of where exactly people have their priorities: in the external world.
Why The Drama Queen Loves Distractions
What happens when we stop creating drama and craving for external distractions in our lives? Most of us are left with a big fat nothing.
We are left to deal with ourselves, our lives and our deeds. We are left with a deafening silence that causes us to become more aware of the reality of our existence. Suddenly the silencing noise, the noise that numbs our minds, our thoughts, our inquisitive questioning processes, is gone. A veil is pulled back from over our eyes and we see our lives for what they are: empty, two dimensional, lost.
Perhaps this is why many of us become relentless Drama Queens? We are treading the temptingly easy path full of external stimulations and distractions, rather than taking the intimidating internal path, and becoming solitary sojourners.
Craving Peace
This article is for those of you who are exhausted with your lives. It is for those of you who want to reconnect with your internal selves and the people around you again.
One of the greatest ways to drop your inner Drama Queen is to practice personal solitude. Take a look at our book “The Power of Solitude” to find out more.
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Thank you Brock, I’m happy to hear that. Feel free to link to any of the articles you find useful on your blog if you think your readers may benefit from them.
There are countless ways of stimulating your mind, that don’t require drama. Drama affects others also, people will get fed up of your drama queen attitude. This type of comportment is simply unhealthy and will have you frowned upon by many.
Most of these women are Bi Polar unfortunately.
It may seem that way, but most people are actually addicted to drama in some form or another. We don’t want to admit it to ourselves, but with honest self-reflection, we discover that drama is a way to distract us from our inner unhappiness.
People with jobs tend to be that bored. People on this comment section ranting about their little girl problems. The word “woman” isn’t in that article, anywhere.
Also I’m a dude so let that sink in.
These women belong in a Special Needs Class.
BOTTOM LINE: LIFE IS MEANINGLESS, EVERYTHING WE DO IN LIFE WE DO TO TRY AND GIVE IT MEANING.
Meaning is of the mind, yes, and it is subjective. I don’t think that is a bad thing however — it makes life immensely vibrant and varied.
Echoes my sentiments exactly-its how I found it. Brilliant article. I’ve craved drama my whole life….recently very negative (for past few months) but for a significant period excitement, positive drama. I was YOLO personified lol. Craving sex, travelling, etc. All lead to longing, suffering.
Funnily enough after dedicating months of searching day in and day out to the answers- I’ve come across probably the most profound answers to life and awakened somewhat to the truth about life-which you touch upon. There really is no great happiness in the ‘outside world’. Inner peace/joy is very simple- yet we don’t want simple, we want drama. We want what we’ve been programmed to believe where happiness lies- the relationship, the money, the job, etc.
Vedic texts, the bhagvad gita, krishna, the Buddha, the greatest spiritual thinkers all have these answers and all lived ‘their’ lives in this manner.
Even with probably the most profound answers to life, my ego/mind still can’t completely let go of the drama of the past! Self sabotage, still seeks it on the outside- despite the suffering attached.
Attention Seekers.
Air Head women are everywhere these days.
So are air head men. ;)
Women are the real Winners.
Then again just too many women nowadays spend so much time in front of a mirror.
Most women create their own Drama since they want Attention real bad.
Yea that may be true, but most women these days are ahead.
I have a tendency to be a bit of a drama magnet. Not only have I recently discovered I am an Exruciatingly Intense Person (thanks, LonerWolf!), but I also am an Empath; so when something is happening in someone else’s life, I tend to internalize it and react with the same intensity as though it were happening in my own. And did I mention I have a background in drama/theatre? Yeah. That’s like Ground Zero for drama queens.
Many individuals who have passed through my life have not only been drama queens, but also bipolar/manic-depressive. These people tend to be the type to “latch on” to me, whereas more even-keeled friends have let our friendships drift apart without cause or incident. My sister teases that I am a “crazy magnet”. I think these symbiotic relationships worked in the past for both parties because: I got to live vicariously through their bad choices without damaging my own life/career/relationships/credit while they got a sidekick genuinely engrossed in and riled by their stories and totally invested in the outcome.
Thing is, even after I stopped partaking in all the drama and stopped seeking it out….it still finds me. Example: try to do something nice (give a buzzed coworker a ride home/invite a few people over to try out the new hot tub) and something innocent becomes…..not so innocent (get groped by a married coworker who’s wife is my friend/people engage in extramarital affairs in my bathroom when one has a family and newborn at home). These occurrences were devastating because my intentions were completely innocent and I was just trying to be social/friendly, but then something horrible happened “under my watch” for which I then felt responsible. I was consumed with guilt. Had I somehow caused it by sending the wrong vibes? Brought it on myself by bringing certain people together? It felt like such a burden to carry around and keep secret–if I told anyone I could ruin friendships, work relationships–and more importantly other people’s marriages. I felt sick with anxiety, hurt, guilt, shame, worry, and anger.
Thank god my husband and I both felt the same way after these incidents and wanted NOTHING to do with confrontations or spreading rumors or destroying marriages. It really brought us together because we realized we were on the same page and totally turned off by these other people’s drama. We didn’t know if so-and-so had an open marriage or if they were just cheating on their awesome spouse at our house, but whatever it was, we didn’t like being put in the position of having somebody else’s life/marriage on our hands. We didn’t want to cover up or lie or tattle or even figure out WTF their situation was or WHY the fuck they decided to involve us in it. But I’m horrible at confrontation, and speaking my mind (can you believe?) when it comes to voicing objection to someone else’s shortcomings, so essentially, I’ve gone into hiding mode trying to avoid all contact.
We much prefer our uneventful, happy life.
I would also like to point out that having a “boring” life is not the same as “meaningless.” Much of life’s beauty is in the mundane.
It very much sounds as though you’re suffering from the “nice person syndrome” Alielle! It seems as though stable, level-headed people tend to attract their opposites: mentally and emotionally imbalanced people. I’ve experienced this in my life as well … it seems as though these people, on an unconscious level, seek out the comfort of a stabilizing presence, but end up wreaking their own havoc. When you live a reactive, impulse-driven life, that is all that can be expected! You also mentioned going into hiding mode after not being able to confront these types of people … I think that is a good choice! I’ve tried confronting “crazy makers” before and you know what? It ends up resulting in MORE craziness! So there really is no point in the end!
It’s reassuring to hear I’m not the only one who finds it hard to confront the crazy makers!
After I made my last post, I saw the irony in my own “sharing of tantalizing gossip” and flare for the dramatic when it comes to recounting my own experiences. On a post about literally that exact thing. I worry about becoming the crazy-maker by burdoning you and your readers with so much information or making you feel somehow responsible for how I deal with my own situations.
Do you ever find being an Empath stifles your voice? Is there a link between being empathic and being a hypochondriac? Or a martyr? Or paralyzed by indecision because you can see the merit and inanity in most perspectives?
When I write on this board, I cringe in embarrassment of myself even though I have never had a negative response or interaction with anyone. I fear I am everything negative we are discussing and that it is obvious to everyone and that They might be silently judging me. I agonize over every word–“Is this word the right choice?” “Does this sound arrogant? Childish?” “Is this redundant?” “Will anyone be able to understand me!?”–hoping to not be judged, but always scrutinizing myself.
Yet, writing about the things that are bothering me feels fulfilling and therapeutic. I reveal things to myself of which I was previously unaware. Sometimes what I write has a completely different tone or message then what I thought I actually felt on a subject or what I had actually verbalized to others.
I love to write, but at the same time, harbor a deep sense of shame and guilt for indulging myself. Why should my ramblings matter? How shameful to feel the need to talk so much! Yet I. can’t. stop. myself. I have always felt conflicted about keeping a journal. I have a shelf of empty notebooks that have been gifted to me over the years, but what could I possibly write down that would not be a waste of such beautifully bound paper? My mother has always wanted me to be a writer–so its not from lack of encouragement–but I have this deep down feeling of dread that I could never fully be myself as a writer or allow my parents to read what I have to say. And I feel that same sense of inner censorship and conflict when it comes to contributing to a board on which discussion and sharing is encouraged!
What am I even talking about?! I just wanted to say how good it feels to not feel like a complete asshole for avoiding people I’m uncomfortable with confronting, and to thank you, but somehow I’ve turned what was supposed to be a brief response into a multi-paragraph production! Sorry Luna!
Alielle, don’t feel the need to apologize! You have every right in the world to express your thoughts and feelings, no matter how silly you think they might sound. In the past I struggled a lot with self-conscious anxiety, especially in regards to what I wrote. But it is so important to remember that you are no less important, or relevant, than anyone else. We are all imperfect — and it’s perfectly fine to be imperfect!
In response to your question, yes. I believe being an Empath can be linked to many chronic health issues (fatigue and fibromyalgia) as well as anxiety. It can definitely exacerbate these kinds of problems (e.g. hypochondria), but not necessarily be the direct cause for them. But your above comment about internalizing pain has sparked a lot of thought in me, so I wanted to thank you for that! This might just make the perfect topic for an article!
If you feel writing to be therapeutic, I’d really recommend something called “free writing.” Many authors and writers use it to “unblock” themselves, and it can even be used as a form of meditation.Free writing might give you the confidence to start something beautiful. While there isn’t any info on lonerwolf at the moment about free writing (the topic is pending and it WILL be written about!), I’d recommend a google search. I practice free writing and I absolutely love it!
Once again, thank you for having the courage to share your vulnerability — in doing this you inspire others as well who might not have chosen to comment out of guilt!
<3
Alielle,
I read your responses to this article and the the author and it literally felt like someone had jumped into my brain and wrote a lot of what I’ve been ruminating about recently. I feel like we are soul sisters! I get myself down lately about my flair for drama and my need to talk and write and talk and write about my feelings until it seems like there’s nothing left to analyze. Thank you for making me feel not so alone. :)
Excellent insight, Aletheia, on “nice person syndrome”. This definitely explains a lot.
They do seek us out. And, I also agree with you that there is no point in confronting them…as it really does just lead to more drama. they create havoc wherever they go , and I love peace. I have always wondered about this situation. Thanks!
There is a great book called “Triggers”by Marshall Goldsmith that discusses the act of triggering peeps into behaviors, to gain power in life situations. Learn the triggers, refuse to be triggered. It teaches one great self control by putting the mirror up to oneself, and reaching for that higher plane above reactionary thinking.
Once again, its perfect. You cleared it up. Lately I have been wondering if drama is what people live on, and as I read your article, it is true, some people do, and thats all they have. I also have recently decided I would do my absolute best to not get involved, because it is completely unnecessary and useless in my opinion. Dad says things don’t change much after you turn 13, and I am 13.I have also decided I would take a separate path from which many people take. You know, the norm of graduating, getting a job, getting married, die.. I want to do more :)
Maday, you have a very promising future indeed! Following the path less traveled is always more fulfilling than living a cookie-cutter existence. Drama to many people is a kind of stimulating drug. When you live a boring and meaningless life like most people – it’s all you really have!
much respect
Thank you :)
We all need a moment from time to look a mirror in the eyes, in our own eyes is truth and peace. Id love to have a happy news channel, after all, our kids grow up with video violence ever day, be it a game or any news broadcast. I wish someday we learn to show them the properties of love. Obviously we live in a what about me society. To all have a beautiful sunday and pray.
Thanks Bill.
I once heard a comment from someone: “there aren’t any happy TV channels or Radio programs because they’d go out of business in a week!” People by nature seem to be morbidly curious – bad news is certainly more stimulating and exciting than good news! Strange, but true. It appeals to our primitive survival instincts I suppose.
~Luna
I don’t want drama in my life. I want less drama, more quiet. This past year of UnEmployment has been pure joy. No workplace politics. No co-worker noise. No arguing with managers. No drama. :-)
I wonder how much effect television has had to make people think that their lives need to be BIG … and Funny and Noisy and filled with Angst And Emoting. Sitcoms. “Reality TV”. Talk shows. People keep looking for the applause and the laugh track.
We use the phrase “Cosmic Laugh Track” to mean something that went stupidly wrong, such as when you notice you’re low on gas but think “Oh, I can make it to the office and back.” The Cosmic Laugh Track is NOT what you want to hear giggling in the background. It goes hand in hand with “Drama”.
I echo you perfectly Vicki. I’ve been unemployed for a few months and the empty space that a lack of stress brings is enormous! This whole notion of the “cosmic laugh track” is something completely new to me … but I can say that after I stopped watching TV I have somehow become a lot more patient, especially when TV is replaced by reading books slowly and patiently. Perhaps a good prescription to cure the “drama queen syndrome” is to give people books to read (think the massive volume of
“Infinite Jest” as an example) and get them to read the entire thing. There is still drama, but at a slower pace, and it would be the perfect way to ween people off the claws of TV and the Internet. Just an odd thought :P
Thanks for getting my thoughts flowing, and for sharing your own!
At least there are 2 un drama people. Now
Too many women are like that since they need plenty of attention that they’re not getting unfortunately. So they need to make themselves heard. Especially when they’re around other women with so much gossip going on between them. Just attention seekers.