I want you to take a moment and think about the kind of relationship you had with your mother.
What did it look like? How did it feel? Do your thoughts drift to the good times, or do they dwell on the bad times?
Our mothers were pivotal players in our development as children and they formed the very foundation of our emotional and psychological growth. To this very day our mothers continue to influence us both through our deeply ingrained perceptions of life and through our feelings towards ourselves and other people.
But although our mothers may have tried their very best to nurture us, our relationships with them may have been laced with undercurrents of shame, guilt and obligation. In fact, we may continue to carry unresolved grief, fear, disappointment and resentment towards our mothers long into our adult lives. This deep pain is usually the result of unhealed core wounds that are passed on from generation to generation.
If you possess the Mother Wound it is vital that you learn how to treat, repair and reconcile those broken parts within you that still yearn for your mother’s love. Healing the Mother Wound within you has the potential to transform your life and improve your relationships tenfold. And today we’ll explore how to do that.
What is the Mother Wound?
I have always had a very strained relationship with my mum. As a child I remember the great fear and reverence I felt towards her; fear because she was the primary disciplinarian in the household, and reverence because she was so self-sacrificing. As an artist she was (and still is) extremely skilled in watercolor and oil paintings, yet she was never able to actualize her dream of becoming a professionally paid artist despite how brilliant she was. These dreams further dimmed as she kept giving birth to children and eventually it became a rare occurrence for her to pick up a pencil or paintbrush. I could always sense this lurking disappointment and resentment bottled up within her. I believe a part of her felt like she was a failure, so the only area she could excel in was child-rearing. This was only amplified by her strict Christian beliefs which traditionally dictate that a woman’s place is the house, not the art studio.
As I got older the admiration and affection which I held towards my mother became tainted with anger, sadness, and even disgust. Although she was extremely generous with her time and effort, her emotional coldness was distressing to me. She made it very clear that I was the child and she was the parent. There was no equality or middle-ground on which we could meet. The only time when I ever felt like my mother’s friend and confidant was when I did everything she wanted me to do, like a perfect little daughter.
These days, I don’t speak with my mother except via text message a handful of times a year. She made it very clear to me that leaving the Christian faith and allowing myself to love Sol was a severe betrayal. Yet despite the animosity between us, she still reminds me that “my family loves me” which in truth a part of me wonders whether such words are written with a Christian agenda in mind, or out of real sincerity.
Our Mother Wounds are traumas that pass down from generation to generation that have a profound impact on our lives. When left unresolved, we pass on the Wounds that our mothers and grandmothers before us failed to heal. These wounds consist of toxic and oppressive beliefs, ideals, perceptions and choices. Finally, our children repeat the cycle, harming their own children, and their children’s children with centuries of unresolved pain. (Please note here that our fathers carry their own wounds, but in this article I want to specifically focus on our mothers.)
If you suffer from the Mother Wound you will experience the following problems:
- (For females) constantly comparing yourself with, and competing against, other females
- Sabotaging yourself when you experience happiness or success
- Possessing weak boundaries and an inability to say “no”
- Self-blaming and low self-esteem that manifests itself as the core belief: “There is something wrong with me”
- Co-dependency in relationships
- Minimizing yourself to be likable and accepted
- The inability to speak up authentically and express your emotions fully
- Sacrificing your dreams and desires for other people unnecessarily
- Waiting for your mother’s permission on an unconscious level to truly live life
Mother Wounds are developed at a young age and are bound by the belief that “I was responsible for my mother’s pain,” and “I can make my mother happy if I’m a good girl/boy.” The truth is that we weren’t and still aren’t responsible for our mother’s pain – only she is. We also can’t make our mothers happy unless they truly decide to be happy. Yet unfortunately as children we were not aware of this and on a subconscious level many of us still believe that we are the culprits of our mother’s angst.
Where Does the Mother Wound Come From?
Women have lived under patriarchal reign for centuries. Religion and society in particular have been instrumental in perpetuating the myths that women should:
- Stay at home and give up their ambitions as child-bearers
- Be the primary caretakers of the household
- Constantly serve others and their needs, while giving up their own
- Hold it all together 100% of the time because that’s what “good mothers” do
- Utterly deplete themselves in order to support their families and raise children
As a result of these intense and super-human standards, women abandon their dreams, lock away their desires and smother their needs in favor of meeting the cultural ideal of what motherhood “should” be. This pressure is suffocating for most women, breeding rage, depression and anxiety, which is then passed on to their children through subtle – or even aggressive – forms of emotional abandonment and manipulation (such as shame, guilt and obligation). This forms the Mother Wound.
But it is important that we understand how much our mothers have gone through in the face of these oppressive ideals and expectations. It is important that we realize that no mother can be perfect, no matter how hard they try, and use this knowledge to generate forgiveness.
Finally, it’s important that we learn to humanize our mothers in a society that strips them of their humanity. No mother can act in a loving way 100% of the time. The sooner we embrace this reality, the better.
Healing the Mother Wound – 3 Steps
Many women these days speak about embracing the divine feminine which sounds nice in theory, but without confronting and healing the Mother Wound, this is nothing but another fuzzy ideal and form of spiritual bypassing.
As a woman who carries a very deep Mother Wound, I have experienced just how lonely and saddening it can be to feel the emotional and psychological absence of your mother. Although I still have space to improve, I want to share with you three tips that will help you on your healing path:
1. Learn to separate the human from the archetype.
We briefly explored the archetypal mother above; that of the selfless, giving, completely nurturing woman who diminishes her own needs in favor of her children’s needs. In reality, mothers are human beings with flaws and issues. The more we expect them to live up to society’s expectations of the “perfect woman,” the more we deprive them of their humanity.
You may like to ask yourself, “What damaging beliefs and expectations do I have about my mother which cause me pain?” Common beliefs and expectations include, for instance, “my mother should always be emotionally available,” “my mother should be my best friend,” “my mother should never get angry at me,” and so forth.
2. Give up the dream that your mother will be who you want her to be someday.
Stop waiting around to receive the love, support and validation of your mother. Remember that you can never change who she is and nor do you have the right to – that is her responsibility. As you slowly learn to relinquish your hope that she will be everything you ever wanted her to be, you can allow yourself to grieve her absence. Experiencing grief is a vital part of the healing process and in my experience it can last for years. But allow it to happen. It is ultimately good for you.
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3. Find your inner source of unconditional love.
While you may not have received unconditional love from your mother, you can find it within yourself. A big part of my own healing process has been learning how to re-parent my inner child (which you can read about in this article). Learning how to love myself has revealed to me a deep well of endless love that supports, cherishes and wants the very best for me. This very same source of love is within you as well. As you slowly dissolve the limiting beliefs and perceptions you have about yourself and the world, you will find it easy to transform your desire for outer support to inner acceptance.
The Final Product …
Healing the Mother Wound within you will transform your life. You will be able to set better boundaries, establish healthier relationships, take care of your needs better, develop empathy for others, trust life more, and feel more comfortable in your skin.
So share with me below: what was life like with your mother? Do you still carry unresolved pain from your childhood, or are you in the process of healing the Mother Wound?
Sounds like a lot of people here CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH….my mother is mean and hateful and a judgemental hypocrite..always has been and always will be…I need all the help I can get to heal…mostly I just stay away…stood up to her on Monday and it took all I had in me to say that to her..she thinks she does no wrong..calls me a lot of nasty names and says I need to repent every day for my sins. Told her GOD lived inside of me…that he forgave me over 2000 yrs ago…that set her on fire…I don’t believe in her hateful God…ty for your website and insight…love and light to you both Luna and Sol….
Honestly, I think the concept of mother wound can only be understood who have experienced it. And because our parents and specifically mothers are the core of our universe at least during our growing up years, any deviation from the normal can have lifelong impact. So we can only hope n pray for such wounds to heal as soon as possible.
I was just introduced to the term “mother wound,” and after reading a few articles on it, I can see very clearly that this may have been the root cause for years of addiction and depression. I don’t think my mother has apologized to me for anything she’s ever done that’s caused me pain. She always made it out like it was my fault. When she grabbed my hair and threw me across the kitchen floor when I was a child, it was my fault because I had been arguing with my brother. My brother apologized later that night, but my mother did not. She was always so careless with me, always in such a hurry, like when she cut my back with the kitchen shears as she tried to clip off a tag, it was my fault. When she would give me unclear instructions on how to do something, and I wouldn’t complete it perfectly, it was my fault. She would scold me into the ground. She has always brushed off my pain as if I am imagining it, whether it be physical or emotional pain. I really hate her for that. And now, as an adult, I can understand a little more because I look back and see that she was struggling with emotional issues and anxiety. Yet, she still treats me as if any ailment I have is in my head. When I try to talk to her about the years of depression from highschool into my twenties, she questions it. “Do you think you were actually depressed though?” I had an ectopic pregnancy 2 months ago; I lost my baby, almost died, and had to have surgery, and she made every excuse not to visit me afterwards. She lives 5 minutes from my house. I have food sensitivities, and she knows this, but when she hosts holiday gatherings, she still doesn’t cook anything I can eat. She doubts that the sensitivities and symptoms exist, but I had a blood test done which determined said sensitivities. Like, “My blood isn’t making this up, it’s really real…” It’s one thing to make mistakes, but she never owns up to hers. She never admits fault. She never apologizes. She’s never been there for me, and she still isn’t.
Love to you….take care of YOU.
Hi Luna,
You and your partners experiences are incredible and I want to thank you both for your bravery and willingness to be so open and vulnerable and share from an authentic place .
Thank you both.
I am only beginning my journey with the mother wound (although the topic defines quite a few energies Ive had come to the mental level that have stayed in limbo for a while). But I’m very curious why I cant find any articles written of the father wound with a similar ideology behind it. I know for me that information would be a power healing tool. Do you think that this website will publish an article like that ever?
Thank you for your journeys you beautiful other wholes. <3
Read healing the masculine soul and father and son .the wound, the healing, the call to manhood by Gordon Dalbey…great books…
I carried the mother-hurt for a long time and then it dawned on me that not all mothers are good people. The best healing I’ve done is to look at my mother from a third-party perspective. It came to me with such a BANG, I had to sit down. I saw the pitiful woman for what she is and realized:
1. There are certain things that mothers (people!) just don’t do.
2. I am a Lightworker with abilities since age four, but can understand why she “labeled” me mentally ill my whole life.
3. My mother is a narcissistic feeding reptilian; and from her childhood stories, she has been her whole life.
4. My mother is a hypochondriac who uses it as power and control while she feeds.
5. Bertha Better Than You would never be my friend.
In one sentence: She is a lazy and vain golddigger who literally ‘served’ her two daughters on a platter to a pedophile so she could live the high society life.
We were active in a Christian church for only about 3 years while growing up, but she’s one of the devote faithful now. She still tries to manipulate me by voicing her fear that I won’t make it to heaven to be with her. Luckily, I’m off to Sirius and she’s reincarnating, so I don’t have to worry about that.
Since I was a small child she’d say, “I love you because you’re my daughter, but I don’t like you as a person.” While I still don’t understand why you’d start saying that to a 6 year old, I do understand the concept of being required to love someone and not liking them. My parents married a second time and my arrival was a few months later. Their second divorce shortly after that. I believe my birth was not wanted and my existence was endured. This also explains being the scapegoat that followed the golden child. Don’t mistake this as a victim stance. My realization of “my worthiness” required my realization that how I was treated wasn’t because I was a bad person. I was just treated badly by those who should be the closest to me.
The required weekly checking-in calls have diminished to monthly the past few years with a 5 hour drive to visit about every 6 years. I cannot change her, but I can limit the amount of time I’m susceptible to her abuse. I’d like to successfully overcome the conflict of self protection vs unconditional love within myself. I want break all contact, however, I still feel enough guilt (mother, sister and society) to maintain contact. This is the one little piece of prison left in my head and on my monthly to-do list next to scouring the catbox.
I’ve come to this article hoping it can help me understand if this is why after a lifetime of writing I have suddenly sabotaged myself. Never in my life have I ever done this before & I can’t seem to break out of it. The trick for me is I was raised off & on by my mother & my aunt. Two totally different personalities. I’m hoping it may hold the answer. I want to write again.
This article is about the mother wound. Some people recognize themself some do not. That’s all. Don’t make things less or worse only from your perspective.
I am a 38 year old guy with a gorgeous wife, a home, money, his own business, friends…. I live in the top 3% of humanity economically. I should be happy on the inside all the time, right? Nope. For years, I have struggled with the relationship to my mother. She is from a loud, Catholic family of Italian descent. She has 3 sisters. One has Downs Syndrome. The other 2 did not go to college. Her mother is 93. She is a mean old woman who disguises cruelty with kindness. All of them are Trump voters, which completely alienates my wife and I as my wife is a Spanish-speaking immigrant. Their comments on FB have been disgusting. Their children also agree with them politically. A year of stress waiting to see if my wife could get pregnant at 38 has led me to learn that I have a mother wound that runs deep. My own mother never lived up to the archetypal nurturer mother. She had a lot of stuff go down that turned her into a raging alcoholic. I have recognized the mother wound in me for what it is. I have seen that she has verbally abused me my whole life and that so much of my achievement had had to do with showing her exactly what you said Ms. Luna…. that if only I did things right, she’d be happy. For years, therapists and priests, friends and family have tried to tell me to desist. I didnt even see what I was doing to myself…. and to her! My job is not and cannot be to fix her pain. It only causes more for both of us. So, having had this awakening and eager to begin my grieving process, is there anything you recommend I do or any exercises specific to feeling your way through that grief? I feel like it is such an old, deep wound that my grief shows up as if I am in a dark forest. The good news is that I can finally see a light, miles and miles away. It is just a tiny square on the horizon. But I have to get through the woods first. I know that no one can do this for me. I know that there is going to be a lot of sadness…. and it’s funny… as I write this, I realize that there is not going to be one “ah-ha” moment where it all clicks. Maybe its not about reaching the light on the other side of the forest. Maybe its about living in the forest and being patient while the sun finds a way to come out. These emotions are powerful and confusing. Does it get better?
I honestly don’t know what life with my mother was like until I was 12 years old. I have absolutely no memory of her. It wasn’t until I was 12 and had a severe trauma that I have some memories of her, but most are vague. I have lately come to the conclusion that my early life must have been traumatic enough for my mind to have shut it out. I don’t know, and mostly don’t want to know. I’ve delved into the realm of emotional and psychological abuse. I know for a fact that her memories and mine differ vastly. When I bring up any memories that might be wounding for her she tells me that I just made it up or it is all my imagination or that I remember it wrong. My family is full of toxic personalities. I left home at 17 to get away from all of the meanness and anger that was directed toward me and have a very sketchy relationship with my mother. I live 3000 miles away and that is not really far enough. Hurts to feel the way I do about her, I want to love her and I have always wanted her to love and approve of me. It is a very enigmatic thing.
Thanks for this article!
Oh my dear sweet mother! I always wanted to have a sweet, supporting, understanding and lovely mother with such a sweet voice to comforted me but the reality is, I don’t.
My mother had a tough life. Her parents die at the age of 50 , both. She maybe was lost and didn’t know what to do so she believed in her sister and let our aunt took care of us while she was working. But our life out there with our aunt was a hell on earth, she was even colder than our mother.
So later on, the doctor diagnosed her with cervical cancer at a young age cuz our father gave her the papilloma. So she became more cold than she already was.
She didn’t wanted to take care of us, because she wanted to keep working maybe working was her only get away from us and we were only 2, eh!
And not to mention that our father abandoned us when I was born and my sister was 1yr old.
Still she criticize me when sometimes I don’t feel in a mother mode. I have a 8 yr daughter and when I see my daughter how she needs me for everything, how innocent she is I can’t bare the thought that why she left us all alone. It’s just heartless and inhuman.
We weren’t the culprit of her suffering. We only needed her to love us. We only wanted her to be with us. We didn’t needed any money, we just wanted to feel she was right there with us.
The description of symptoms of the Mother Wound is spot on for me. However, I am confused because I have a very caring, loving mother. She was a SAHM, but I never felt any resentment from her and don’t believe she has any. She has never been cold or distant.
I think what might be going on is that I nevertheless feel responsible for her happiness. Her whole world is being my mother–to what I think is an unhealthy extent. Maybe i feel like i neef to make it worth it to her. When I do something she wouldn’t do, she becomes very upset with worry. She has over-the-top worrying problems, so I feel like I must stay within certain boundaries (or hide it when I don’t) so she doesn’t worry about me (I am in my mid twenties, by the way).
In other words, she is warm and gives me constant positive feedback about how I am, so I don’t know where these symptoms (insecurity, weak boundaries, etc.) come from; my only guess is that my actions being so tied up to her emotions, and her perhaps unrealistic example of extreme self sacrifice (devoid of resentment) makes me feel like I must walk a fine line to keep her happy and like I can never measure up to her example. She also often has weak boundaries and low self esteem, so I have learned from her example.
Another explanation might be that I was raised in a very strict, conservative religion where I always pictured god as an exacting, hard-to-please parent who was never satisfied with me. Despite my mother’s warmth, the coldness of my god was more pronounced.
Great article. I thought I had completely forgiven my mum and accepted her as she is. But when she acts towards my young son the way she acted towards me as a child, I find it hard to keep my cool, and also to set a limit between when she really goes too far and when it’s just me over-reacting because it reactivates old wounds. Luckily, she lives across the country and I only see her twice a year. I do a better job loving her from a safe distance.
I probably have mother wounds, I do feel a sense of anyone that resembles or sounds like my mother a sense of resentment, i’m a very loving person, very outspoken, but I do feel, that my mother was very manipulative as we got older she’d make us feel guilty etc for not doing what she wanted, when she’d get in a mood she wouldn’t cook and even hid food, that’s very true making your children so dependent that they become blind to the fact that they have been trained to feel they cannot do without you.
I’ve trained myself throroughly to be detached or find some way to at least temporarily put aside those feelings. My mother would tell me her stories of racism and the usual BLACK people have to work harder than WHITE people to get anywhere in life, it really made me apprehensive further leaving me a vulnerable target for heartless people of other races to attack me subtly or aggressively, when you grow up in a world that’s full of racist, or lets say managers/ people who also had very broken parent’s it sort of becomes an excuse to be fearful and apprehensive.
When I got my nervous breakdown was when I got my breakthrough, that this state of being jobless and competing with others for a job role or being ruthless etc wasn’t in my nature, even when I was studying at Sixth form College, I realised how cold-hearted the female students were as well as the males. Coming from a background where you’re mother manipulated you, severely chastised you it really becomes an eye opener of the idea of regardless of them seeming this role model or ideal that they are regardless of sex essentially just human.
What I found useful was the family therapy I received after my nervous breakdown, the sad truth is that many children who were bullied at school had depression, the expectations projected onto a mother intensify with her children, if they do bad on school the mother feels this reflects her parenting. Everything is beautified but the child as they get older knows the real truth. Even now my mother tries to take this Christian High Morals Ground.
This concept of Jesus being human sort of blinds her from the fact that she’s actually never going to get there, being a mother and so concurrently she holds her children responsible for this. And so because she apparent worked hard to feed us we must automatically be manipulated (in her mind anyway). For me therapy helped because I could tell the therapist things she would choose to ignore, and so with an objective person, she of course knows not to step out of line or look remotely unmotherly, but like the woman in Keeping Up Appearances, as long as you stay true to you, you have no need to feel guilty but liberated from that and that’s start to moving on.
I still get that rage when she pushes my buttons but I’m glad I get angry it shows her that no things are not okay but that can also help me to see whether I’ve got over it or not and whether I’m coping better.
It can be a long path filled with lots of anger and sadness. My best wishes for your continual healing. Thank you for sharing Simon
No genuinely thank you for sharing its great to hear other people from different backgrounds share and relate deep home truths!!!
Luna, thank you so so very much for writing this! A few months ago I went to a holistic place for an interview where they check your spiritual condition and one of the related problems was a deep Mother wound. I haven’t started to work on that yet because I was out of source, so thank you again.
In your description I have noted that this bond between you and your mother and the consequent wound was very present, very clear. Even we as readers can feel the tension. It’s another side with another dimension of damage.
My mother is Christian too but unlike your mother she was on the other side of the feminine spectrum. She actually embodies the archetype of the strong, independent woman. That’s what she has always been. She worked a lot which means a lot of alone time for me. I absolutely have no regret of that because it helped on my own independence. Both my parents were too young when they raised us and my father was specially hard to deal with. He had some problems with his anger and would eventually leave it for us, beating and punishing for no reason. For some reason it was very difficult for me to talk about but I was very skilled at writing, so I would write letters for my mother that she sadly never answered or talked to me about. I think I became too self protective, totally ignoring my dad and emotionally distancing myself from my mother. It affect my dad emotionally a lot and did great changes on his behavior, I couldn’t help but forgive him later and it was a cathartic experience for me. My mother wasn’t cold at all. She has a very good humor but she is also so emotionally distant it didn’t seem to bother her. Me and my sister left the house very early to study but it seems that now she is feeling the absence and want to spend more and more time with us. I know my wound and I know the damage it has done but I can’t feel nothing but love for her, I want to help heal our bond (and my wound).
One of the best lines in this article is the fact that their healing isn’t always a option for us. Their happiness depend on their will to be happy, as our happiness also depend on our will and our will can truly help heal this wound. I hope you all the best wishes and strength to keep going on with that – for all the love you haven’t received there’s a bit of love to give. I am sending my little part of love for you :)
Thank you Debora <3 I receive that love with open arms, and send it right back to you xx
Great article, Aletheia. My mom says that with age and time I will realize she too is human. Easier said than done, though! I did not realize it at the time, but I did grieve for the mother I wish I had. It was terrifying because I did not see a place for my mom to be in my life once I realized how damaging our relationship was. Yet, I immediately realized the small ways she is a positive influence in my life and a great mother for me. For instance, she is the ultimate cheerleader for me, the person who knows me the most and knows exactly what I need to hear when I am in distress, and is frequently sending me small items she thought I could use (like safety pins for sewing, or a decoration that I wanted but would never spend my money on). There is a lot that my mother has done that I do not understand…like having children with a man who repeatedly said “I do not want children, ever”. Yet, I hope I will understand some day. Until then, I do my best to respect and love her for who she is.
My question is, how do we deal with the wounds from siblings? Many of the things in this article I feel with my sisters, like waiting on their approval to live my life.
Hey Olivia. I would repeat the same process mentioned in the article to your sisters (replace the “mother” part with “my sisters”). We can form archetypes of our sisters as well (e.g. that we should be best friends with them, have things in common, and confide in them all the time). Learn to separate the myth from reality, accept, and move on. This is basically the formula.
Hi Aletheia, Thanks for this great article. When I was young my father worked oversees and my mother was trying parent both my brother and I. She also lived away from her family in a different country and did not have the support she needed.
With that said I definitely find familiar feelings to what is described in your article. These feelings have been stronger lately. My dad cannot understand my ongoing issues with anxiety which I think developed from wounds imposed on me as a child. Only when my mom is around do I get more confidence and feel someone understands me.
I do not know where to start with moving away from these feelings into a more positive situation. I look forward to hearing other peoples stories to get more understanding of ways to move on.
Well there are many here already! So I hope they can help, as well as the advice in this article.
Hi Tom Wallace as well as Aletheia’s advice, here’s a therapist who might be able to help you: here’s a U-Tube video of her talking, google her name to access her site
:https://youtu.be/QM_PQ2WUD2k
First thank you Aletheia for this article. this is what i need to hear. I’ve never had a relationship in fact connection with my mother.we have never talked to each other. like whole my life lived with a stranger. she was all the time emotionally and psychical absent from my life, too much ignorance. Today i live far from her in another city and still do not talk except sometimes over some text messages. I dont know who she is, what her life was like and i dont know nohing about my relatives from my mother side especialy who were my grandmother and grand grandmother. I only know that my mother had hard life as a child and when she marriad. I can not solve the problem and dont have any motivation for it. our relationship has not developed over the years. she did not do anything horrible to me only didnt notice she had a child. At one point I thought I was a ghost, and I do not exist. I feel in myself a lot of negative emotions towards her. I carry unresolved pain, angry, sadness and sorrow, fear and disgusting. Somethimes I’m just crying and I do not know why.
when i think of her and about some another life … I do not even have to know my mother only i want for this women to be happy. Now I live alone, can not establish a healthy relationship with the men, feel very unwanted. My inner child have deep wounds and as much as I want my own baby it is hard to imagine that this baby would take this suffering. thanks because I got the chance to share this with you.