I Don’t Know Who I Am: 5 Ways to Deal With An Ego Crisis

It’s a feeling of inner blankness and disorientation – like being stranded in the middle of a forest you don’t know the name of or which direction to go.

You may carry this inner void with you everywhere. 

Feelings of shame, inadequacy, and lostness creep in from time to time as you look enviously at others who seem to “have it all figured out.” 

Why do you have to be the one who has no idea who you are, what you want out of life, or where you’re going? 

If any of this speaks to you, you’ve come to the point of realizing “I don’t know who I am anymore” and “I feel like a stranger to myself in this world.” 

Firstly, I want to normalize this experience by letting you know that you’re not alone. 

Not only that, but having a self or ego crisis is a natural and needed part of the cycles of inner growth and transformation – it sounds crazy, but it’s true! 

Based on my own personal experience with this feeling of I don’t know who I am, I’m going to provide you with some help in this post.

Ideally by the end, you’ll have a clearer sense of inner orientation, groundedness, and self-awareness that will help you to accept where you’re at right now in life.

The Spiritual Wanderer and the Ego Crisis

It is not only the most difficult thing to know oneself, but the most inconvenient one, too.

– H.W. Shaw

Regardless of who we are and what we believe, we’re all wanderers in this life, searching for who we are, our true home, and our deeper callings. 

Not knowing who you are is one of the first signs that you’re experiencing what I call an ego crisis, where you’ve lost touch with a basic sense of what you need, value, and want from life.

(I want to note here that there are more extreme mystical forms of ego crisis called ego death. But that’s not the scope of this post – we’re exploring the struggle from a personality perspective.) 

The ego crisis, while painful, is actually the very spark often needed to ignite an inner fire that launches us on a quest for self-discovery, individuation, and transformation.

On the map of the spiritual wanderer’s journey, not knowing who you are or what you want from life is a sign that you’re currently in part 1 of the journey: 

In this phase of the spiritual journey – the spiritual calling stage – you feel an inner urge to go exploring who you are and what you need and want from life.

Having a self or ego crisis is a positive thing in the sense that it’s the push needed to grow, evolve, mature, and awaken to your deeper path and purpose in life.

Not only that, but as this journey is cyclical, we’ll often revisit this “I don’t know who I am” stage over and over again through our life journeys. 

For the new to flourish, the old must die – and that includes our outdated personality drives, wants, and patterns. And this will happen repeatedly in life – the fact is that it’s ultimately a good thing!

What Triggers the Feeling of “I Don’t Know Who I Am”?

So what triggers that spiritual calling of yearning to find out who we are and what we truly want from life?

There are many internal and external triggers. Here are some of the most common: 

• The breakdown of a safety system that you once called home or a space in which you once felt comfortable, such as the loss of a relationship, the ending of a friendship, severance from a job, moving from a familiar place (migration/immigration), and so on.
• Acting in a way opposite to how you feel, aka., the inner dilemma. For instance, perhaps you’ve been peer-pressured to behave in a way that you find internally loathsome or have made a decision based on what others want for you and not what you want.
• Toxic comparison with others. Often, this happens when using social media, but it can also happen in daily life when we observe others and their lives. You may think to yourself, “They seem to know who they are, but why don’t I?” or “They have many answers, but I don’t even know what questions to ask!”
• Facing a big decision or being at a crossroads in life. You have come to the point where you need to choose between one way of life or another. Maybe, for example, you don’t know whether to pursue a career in your favorite field or dedicate your time to raising a child, and you want both equally. This leads you to have an ego crisis because you’re split in two different directions.
• Living in a hyper-individualistic ego-driven society. Often, the I don’t know who I am crisis comes as a byproduct of living in a fast-paced world devoid of spiritual depth. You may observe that everyone seems to have a popular social media presence, a side hustle business, a family, or anything else you crave, and conclude that you’re “not good enough.” This self-crisis may result in trying to copy others, further reinforcing a lack of self-awareness and a feeling of inner defeat.

Take a moment to feel into which of the above sparks may have triggered your own I don’t know who I am crisis. Feel free to share them with me in the comments.

How to Deal With the Confusion of Not Knowing Who You Are + What You Want (5 Paths)

The greatest discovery in life is self-discovery. Until you find yourself, you will always be someone else. Become yourself.

– M. Munroe

I remember the feeling of overwhelming inner numbness that I felt when I first left the clutches of a toxic fundamentalist religious belief system. 

I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted in life or valued, or where I was going. There was a haunting feeling of vacancy and excruciating vulnerability in that experience that I’ll never forget.

However this experience looks or feels for you, I want you to know that it will be okay. 

As I said at the beginning, this self/ego crisis is part of a greater cycle of transformation, a calling to find who you really are and what your true path is in life.

Here’s what I’ve learned on my own journey of how to deal with the confusion of not knowing who you are or what you want:

1. Stop fighting the feeling – know that it’s okay and normal to feel this way

You’re not the first person to experience this kind of crisis, and you won’t be the last.

The drive for self-knowledge and awareness is at the core of what it is to be human.

Suddenly realizing “I don’t know who I am!” is the spark that ignites the fire of self-revelation, blazing a trail for you to go soul searching and grow into a more authentic way of being.

In the end, you’ll look back and realize how important this experience was to your self-growth and inner journey of awakening.

2. Embrace your role as seeker and hermit

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.

– Aristotle

The beginning of any new adventure requires us to first accept that we’re a seeker looking for answers.

Don’t expect to embody, for instance, the sage, until you’ve gone through the inner wheel of transformation – a pattern of life and death we see all throughout nature.

Even the sage recognizes, in the words of Socrates, “I know that I know nothing.” So embrace the power of beginner’s mind. 

As much as you can, enjoy the freshness of starting from a clean/emptied slate – everyone will return to this experience at different parts of life. It’s the fire that burns the forest so that new growth can emerge.

My next tip is that to fully step into your role as the seeker, you need to be a hermit and lone wolf who is okay with solitary reflection, contemplation, and soul searching.

Solitude is the sacred path of the hermit seeker, and it’s something I explore – as well as the spiritual journey as a whole – in my course The Spiritual Wanderer.

3. Spend time alone getting to know who you are (hint: read something succulent)

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach.

– Henry David Thoreau

Building from the topic of solitude, my next tip is to use alone time to get to know yourself better. 

Take a break from social media and any sources that overwhelm your mind and inner knowing, and look within.

I recommend reading “succulent” (aka., intriguing and eye-catching) books that call to you as a powerful place to start. 

One of the first books I ever read after going through an ego crisis was Alan Watts’ On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are. 

Is it any wonder that the title of the book spoke so loudly to me at the time? Granted, it was a little advanced for me back then, but it was also a great doorway into this inner journey. 

There are so many books out there that can help you to gain a better understanding of who you are. 

I recommend starting with identity-based books, such as those surrounding personality types like the MBTI, sensitivities like being an empath or old soul (see Awakened Empath and Old Souls), or anything that helps you to give a name to your inner feelings and reality.

Later, you can move on to advanced books that explore the nature of the ego and its dissolution, if you’re so inclined. But at first, focus on getting grounded.

4. Keep a written record of everything, it’s worth the hassle!

Not everyone enjoys journaling, and that’s fine. You don’t need to write copious amounts of text each day, so don’t worry. 

Just a sentence or two about what you’re thinking or feeling on your phone or a notepad is sufficient and “counts” as journaling in my books.

Keeping a written record of everything you’re going through – including struggles, ideas, and breakthroughs – can help you to get a better understanding of who you are and your essence.

I once spent up to an hour journaling a day when I was younger (in my 20’s). Now that I’m older with more responsibilities, I have a password-protected journal app on my phone that I spend about 5 minutes journaling in every day when I can.

Sometimes I miss a few days or go a week or more without writing. But I notice just how mentally and emotionally (and physically!) calming and clarifying this practice is when I pick it up again. 

Recording your inner life won’t just give you a record to reflect back on in the future, but in the present, it will help you to find more focus, peace, and self-awareness. It’s worth the hassle!

If you haven’t already, you might even grow to love it. ;) 

5. Simplify your external world to clear space in your inner world

When you’re in the seeker/hermit stage, you’ll feel the call to go roaming far and wide. You’ll hear a lot of voices, opinions, and information. But don’t let that overwhelm you.

From time to time, you may need to clear space in your life so that you can hear your own inner voice more clearly.

So here’s a word of advice, step away from those attractive self-knowledge tests, books, and youtube channels when you start feeling confused, lost, and disconnected again.

Go into quietness, stillness, and silence, letting everything you’ve learned settle like mud floating to the bottom of a lake. Give the water time to clear.

If you must do something, meditate, create art, or journal – whatever you feel drawn towards. Give your inner self space to breathe.

***

I love the words of wise sage Lao Tzu in the Tao Te Ching,

​​Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.

And also:

At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.

Remember that this process takes time. It’s okay to feel like a stranger to yourself and to realize, “I don’t know who I am anymore.”  

This is normal and healthy because it’s part of a larger cycle of growth as outlined in the spiritual wanderer’s journey – a cyclical archetypal pattern we all go through.

Tell me, what is your biggest problem when it comes to the ego crisis and not knowing who you are anymore? Maybe others will read your comment and can relate, offering their own insight.

If you want another related read, I recommend my How to Find Yourself article.