Why do I refuse help from people who have my best interests in mind?
Why do I continue unhealthy habits that I know will eventually incur permanent damage?
How often have you asked yourself these questions?
The subject of self-destructive behavior is a daunting topic. It’s like a dark gremlin that lurks in the corners of existence; it hides in those places that we train ourselves to overlook and intentionally avoid.
But the more we put off facing our self-destructive tendencies, the more they consume us.
Are you ready to face this part of you? Are you ready to get some answers and reach out for help?
Why Are We Self-Destructive? (+ My Experience)
I’m not the first, and I certainly won’t be the last person to admit that I’ve been (and in some ways still am) a self-destructive person.
From pushing away people I love and housing self-defeating mindsets, to repeatedly self-harming in my teenage years … I’ve been down this dark alley more than once. As I’ve grown, however, I’ve realized that self-destructive behaviors are expressions of our Shadow Selves, springing from low self-esteem, low self-worth, and even self-hatred.
While psychologists speculate that self-sabotaging behaviors could be coping mechanisms (i.e, to deal with stress, pressure, social demands, etc.), others consider self-destructive behavior as ways of maintaining comfort zones due to lack of confidence or feelings of unworthiness (e.g., staying at the familiar bottom of the social ladder).
17 Symptoms and Habits of the Self-Destructive Person
Self-destructive behavior comes in many guises, some extreme, some not so extreme. But in order to continue internally evolving and improving your life (as well as those around you), it’s best if you look at your devils right in the face.
Symptoms and/or habits of self-destructive behavior include the following:
1. Housing self-defeating mindsets
This is an unconscious form of self-destructive behavior because it results in self-fulfilling prophecies. Examples include thoughts such as, “I’m going to fail, I just know it,” “I’ll never get out alive,” “This will completely destroy me,” etc.
2. Failing to take action
This is a passive symptom, but still self-destructive in nature. When we know something is bad for us, but fail to take any action or steps to remedy the issue, we are essentially setting ourselves up for, and guaranteeing, failure.
3. Over-eating
A distressing habit that results in many long-term health issues.
4. Under-eating
Many under-eaters fool themselves into thinking they’re benefiting themselves. The reality is that under-eating is usually a band-aid for serious self-image and other psychological issues.
5. Forced incompetence
This means portraying oneself as unintelligent or incapable of successfully achieving something. Forced incompetence usually stems from a lack of confidence in one’s abilities and can function as a coping mechanism (i.e., to deal with academic pressure).
6. Going out of your way to harm other
What goes around comes around, as they say, and the negative influence you have on others, whether by words or deeds, will eventually manifest itself in your own life (e.g., through sicknesses, tragedy, legal issues, isolation).
7. Self-harm
This is an extreme form of self-destructive behavior. Self-harm stems from low self-worth and the desire to cope with emotional pain in a physical way.
8. Self-pity
This is an unconsciously manifested form of self-destructive behavior. Self-pity is destructive because it encourages us to remain inactive (i.e., wallowing in our misfortunes), rather than encouraging a proactive approach towards life.
9. Drug and alcohol abuse
A self-evident form of destructive behavior, drug and alcohol abuse creates endless misery in the lives of addicts and their friends and family members.
10. Social suicide
While this is not always committed consciously, social suicide is the act of deliberately alienating yourself from your peers. This could be through a variety of irritating, repelling or antisocial behaviors.
11. Hiding from emotions
Failing to acknowledge negative (and sometimes positive) emotions creates a host of mental, emotional, and physiological illnesses. This is another form of unconsciously manifested self-destructive behavior.
12. Refusing to be helped
Pushing away advice, refusing to go to rehab, avoiding the psychologist … not wanting to be helped cries “I don’t care about my well-being!” and screams “self-sabotage!”
13. Unnecessary self-sacrifice
Some people are in love with their misery because that is all they have known for a large portion of their lives. Unnecessary self-sacrifice or being a martyr is a good way of making us feel “noble” and “altruistic” while masking the actual act of self-sabotage (which is giving up on the hopes, dreams, and passions that make us truly happy).
14. Spending too much
Whether through chronic gambling or constant eBay purchases, overspending may seem unusual to have on this list, but is nevertheless a form of self-destructive behavior that limits one’s freedom and peace of mind.
15. Physical neglect
Getting poor sleep, refusing to exercise, eating unhealthy food, and failing to maintain the general well-being of your body are all classic signs of self-destructive behavior.
16. Mental neglect
Refusing, avoiding or failing to confront your psychological health issues (e.g., stress, anxiety, depression, paranoia, OCD, etc.) delays the healing process, resulting in the perpetuation of long-term issues.
17. Sabotaging relationships
This is a complex one as it involves a large variety of destructive behaviors such as jealousy, possessiveness, emotional manipulation, neediness, violence and so forth. When we don’t feel worthy of love, we unconsciously manifest this in our relationships through the way we choose to behave.
Are You Broken?
If you have identified with most of the above signs, you might feel your stomach sink and a dark cloud of sadness/resentment wash over you.
You might start thinking that you’re fundamentally “broken” or something is severely wrong with you. But please understand that it’s normal to identify with a large number of the above signs. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken. You’re not a lost cause. You’re simply human. And that’s totally okay.
Why is it normal to possess a large majority of self-destructive signs? The answer is that they’ve either been programmed into you from your family or society, or they were unconsciously adopted by you as a defense mechanism to protect against mental and emotional pain. In other words, it’s not your fault and you aren’t to blame. You didn’t choose to be self-destructive, did you? You didn’t think, “hmm, I think I’m going to be self-destructive now,” did you? It’s just what happened.
The goal isn’t to feel terrible about yourself, the goal is to see that “it is what it is” and find ways to reverse, undo, and triumph over your self-destructive tendencies. We’ll explore some ways of doing that next …
How to Stop Being Self-Destructive
While I can’t give you a magical cure, I can give you some ideas, inspiration, and a few tried-and-tested paths to follow. Try all of them systematically or select a few and work with them consistently.
Shadow Work Journal:
Go on a journey through the deepest and darkest corners of your psyche. Embrace your inner demons, uncover your hidden gifts, and reach the next level of your spiritual growth. This is deep and powerful work!
On average, it takes around 66 days to establish a new habit according to what researchers have found. So make it your goal to stick with at least one of these activities for two months.
Here are the practices:
- Keep a self-reflection journal every day – Journaling has numerous mental health benefits, and it’s a powerful way of increasing your self-awareness. Self-awareness is a crucial ingredient in overcoming self-destructive tendencies! Read more about journaling and the practice of self-awareness.
- Practice meditation or mindfulness – There’s a reason why you keep hearing about these two practices and it’s because they work! Even if you struggle to meditate traditionally, there are endless forms of mindfulness meditation out there that might spark your interest. Examples include walking meditation, mindful art therapy, chanting mantras, guided journeys, color visualization, etc. If you don’t know where to start, I recommend downloading a meditation app such as InsightTimer, Calm, or Headspace. I started off with these apps, and they helped me tremendously.
- Do some emotional catharsis – Sometimes, the reason why we’re self-destructing is because a deeper emotion (such as anger, grief, passion) isn’t being expressed. Just think of a kettle: the more it boils, the more steam is released. But if that kettle had no way to release that steam, it would quickly explode! The same thing applies to you: you need a pressure valve, a way to channel your pent up emotions. When you don’t channel those buried emotions in a healthy way, they come out in self-destructive behaviors. So find something you enjoy doing that requires intense mental or physical effort. Examples include boxing, running, singing, dancing, creating art, or plain old screaming and crying (privately of course). One unconventional form of catharsis is called dynamic meditation.
- Focus on self-love and self-care – Self-love is a basic attitude of kindness toward yourself: it is the practice of taking care of your emotional needs. Self-care is generally more oriented towards your body. It involves eating properly, getting enough sleep, drinking adequate water, wearing comfortable clothing, staying healthy, etc. Both self-love and self-care go beautifully hand-in-hand as allies against self-destruction. Here are two amazing guides you can read on learning how to love yourself and practicing self-care.
- Shift your mindset – Realize that self-destructive behavior is a sign of inner shadows and core wounds that have gone haywire. Be kind to yourself and realize that you have a metaphorical thorn lodged in your side. You’re trying to get it out, but you don’t know how – and that leads to self-destructive behavior. (It’s a desperate attempt to ease the pain you’re carrying inside.) By shifting your mindset from blame and self-condemnation, to self-compassion, you’ll be empowered to make choices that align with your highest good.
- Seek out professional help – There’s only so much an article on the internet can do to help you. While you’ve taken a wonderful step towards health and healing, the next step will help even more. Seeking out guidance in the form of a therapist or counselor will aid you with ongoing support and tools. These, in turn, will transform your life little by little. And soon, you’ll look back on this behavior with a gentle smile and a sigh of relief, proud of your ability to overcome it.
***
The self-destructive person exhibits conscious and unconscious behaviors that sabotage their own health, happiness, and long-term wellbeing. But please remember that these harmful behaviors are a symptom of a deeper wound that needs to be shown compassion, and needs to be expressed in a healthy way.
It’s important to remember that you’re not alone. Like me, you probably can identify with a couple or more symptoms and habits on this list.
What are your experiences with self-sabotage? I’d love to hear your stories below! Let’s help others not feel so alone.
I’ve been on the verge of suicide for 3 years. I’ve discovered loads of deep wounds/traumas on my inner child, I’ve essentially been in self-denial in a weird nihilistic stoic combination (everything sucks but it is what it is) thus I had ‘accepted’ that everything was shit. I’ve been guided by a shaman/friend of mine for ~8 months, and I’ve made huge progress in my self-realization, although as with everything one can always keep going. As of now, I’m currently working through suppressed emotions (dating back to when I was a kid) and I’ve discovered loads of different emotions, and this article describes how I’ve been to myself although unconsciously (I can see the patterns now). This read is exactly what I needed now, thank you :)
This is fantastic would love to discuss one on one sessions for my son – I am
Desperate as he reacts to nothing.
Could relate to quiet a few symptoms listed above. I have been a seeker in the journey of self love and trying the 66 day journaling method as recommend to gain more self awareness to be able to heal some of myself sabotaging habits
I have been receiving your posts for about four years now and have found them to be insightful and supportive in the sense I do not feel these days I am alone which in itself is reassuring. Through your posts and other avenues I have explored (reflexology and access bars counselling for example) I still feel a strong inner resistance to positively change my mental attitude for the better and this is making me unhappy and giving me a continuing sense of hopelessness and negativity. Will this ever end though I am doing everything I can think of to be rid of this?
Well. What haven’t I self-sabatoged…
The worst one yet: Saying no to a marriage proposal to a man begging to step up and be the father of my baby. I loved this man. We never had the exclussive talk and I never brought it up because I didn’t want to scare him off. While he was at a pricey Gala in Germany with an ex-fiance thatwas fully paid for a year or more prior(I didn’t want to stand in the way of something that may still be there or he may realize it was totally over, which he did).
While he was gone for this month long training and gala, I had found out I was pregnant by a one night stand and not husband or father material in any way shape or form but hadn’t been able to tell the father yet. Well, word got out FAST because of a misunderstanding by my best friend’s boyfriend who works and was in training with the man I loved in Germany. The boyfriend congratulated him straught away on the good news for the daddy to be and the guys took him out to celebrate that night.
I still had not had a chance to speak to either of them. So after a long night of vomitting, I finally get to sleep and at 2am I get a phone call from Germany. He’s pretty happy. Pretty liquored up. And confesses that he’s never been happier and wants to marry me.
MY SELF-SABATOGE: I wanted to scream yes. But THOUGHT I was doimg the right thing by asking for time and to discuss it like adults when he’s not drinking and not jumping into a marriage for the baby and not for the mother, too. BECAUSE I SUCK!
Anywho, I broke his heart. The bio donor hasn’t been seen or heard of since informing him at 3 weeks pregnant. And I passed on an amazing man amd an amazing father. Because I didn’t believed he loved me. So now, my son is still father-less and paying the price for my poor choices.
@Gentry Jensen: Does the guy in Germany know that the child isn’t his?
Sorry. I don’t social media well. Didn’t mean to piggy back on your post.
My path of despair started in my teens a long time ago. I have been struggling ever since and have made choices that have hurt myself and my kids. I have never been able to find away out, therapy medications nothing. My self worth is just not there. After reading this article I finally think I may have some hope to see my way to a better place. Thank you for your words and inspiration
Dear Luna,
Thanks for your enriching blog.
I am generally supportive and inspired by most articles posted here, but I want to point out something that I believe is important for most readers here.
There is a very careful choice of words to be made here and I don’t ever want to believe there is such a thing as a “self destructive person” in this world. For sure there are “self-destructive patterns” that we all have such as limiting beliefs and negative voices sneaking into our mental maps but in no case these should be attached to the person. More so to the persona though, as in the person we believe we might be.
Please consider this small nevertheless important tweak. I don’t want to believe you would want people to deepen their attachment to negative patterns but rather to detach from them.
I have been in a destructive mode for quite some time and in the past these kinds of articles would support my belief that I was out of service although I was only jammed my wrongly wired thoughts.
Please let ALL of you words invite to redemption and mental reframing.
Thank you for your loving considerations!
Ant.
Luna and Sol,
First of all I feel an intense need to thank you both, for letting your light and truth shine, for being willing to share all of these experiences and insights with us so that we may grow in our awareness and understanding too.
I think I have been self-destructive for quite some time, especially points 1 and 2 (self-defeating mindsets, avoidance of action). In addition I stopped trusting my own emotions as able to guide me towards my truth. I had a few years of back to back trauma and tragedy and I think those were my coping mechanisms. Giving up, accepting, adjusting myself to the situations and trying to ignore any pain.
As of about a year ago, thanks to a more stable life, good circle of friends, better self-care habits, etc. I began to have a stronger sense of myself but with this has come absolute inner turmoil and confusion. Firstly because I can see that my life is not what it should be, my relationship with my husband and father of my children is inherently toxic and emotionally abusive. Secondly, I can look back and understand how my own inaction, avoidance, fear and dangerous mindsets led me here, to this point where my emotional needs are being unmet, and I am fairly certain that there isn’t any way to change this within this relationship. The foundation is not there. So, yes, those were my ways to cope with everything I was experiencing, but now I feel ready for more, to leave those all behind. My very body and energy are instinctually telling me to move, change, grow, learn, take action.
However, I still have a block somewhere. I can’t see or understand which way to go, which steps to take to make any of this possible. I also harbor too much fear of failure, a sense that I am not strong or capable enough to figure this out without hurting everyone around me, and myself as well. It’s like I am emotionally much more aware but it causes me pain (which I accept) to let everything in and understand where I want to be, but not know how I can get there.
So clearly there is more work to be done, there is still something rendering me unable to act. I feel like so much is external, like anyone would struggle, but that’s not helpful in actually changing things. So, the journey continues. I am so thankful for the many thoughtful and insightful articles and advice you two are offering here. This has truly been a time of growth and introspection and I would not be nearly as open to everything I am experiencing emotionally without having stumbled upon your site. Thank you and much love to you both.
Hello again Loner Wolf Family
Yes. All the above relates to me and my current life style. I have been in a destructive chain of chronic alcohol abuse and plus chronic tobacco use. Sinking deeper and deeper into an abyss of total darkness. I both love and hate these things. I have basically turned into my own devil. I have cried many silent tears and prayed prayers where I simply ask to die. But I remember the thing that matters most, there is still hope and having the belief that I too have a purpose. I am now seeking professional help and with enough strength and learning to love and respect my own inner demons or shadow and face it with truth and faith, I know I can learn to retrain my mind and live a normal and happy life. The world you see through your eyes can be heaven or hell. We can help each other to experience heaven every day just by making better and smarter choices and even a small random act of kindness is all it takes to let others know that they are loved too. Bless all of you fellow Wolves and let’s all live like it is heaven on earth every day. Much love
Signed Luke
Luke, I love that philosophy of living life like it’s heaven (versus hell). A great sense of personal power and hope comes in knowing that we can choose how we approach life, and that there is always another way, another path, another perspective we haven’t considered yet. What we suffer has meaning, we just need to find the lesson it’s teaching us. Thank you for sharing here. <3
The harsh truth I finally realised was that I was responsible for making those poor selfish choices which were ruining and destroying my life and also the world that I love so much. Self hatred, self pity, self sabotage, poor choices, poor thinking, poor decision making etc …… The list goes on. This is how I live most days. A world which is unfortunately my personal hell. But ever since my wake up call and finally taking responsibility and owning up, I have earning and winning back my power and personal Magicka to manifest the miracles of co-creating a better world from within which I see through my own eyes. Instead of dragging people down with my depressing attitude, I now have the confidence to be a good person and make other people laugh and smile and being polite and courteous, just being nice and treating others with respect. It does create a better world from which you see and experience. The sun shines bright, birds sing, you see and hear people laugh and smile.
It truly becomes heaven. That is the world I want and love to experience every day.
Signed Luke
One and two are difficult. Self destructive.
I won’t to be with someone with all my heart. Is my willing it to happen going to make it happen or should I stop the Hurt ?
Are they reciprocating the love, Rob?
This article reached me at a very right time. I needed to hear things mentioned above. Although, every time I try and pick myself up, something ticks and I’m plummeting in full speed through my self destruction tunnel. I want to be the bright person I am, but there’s something inside me that says I shouldn’t be that. The article was very helpful, though. Thanks!
I’m glad to hear it helped Janani. And don’t worry, we all have that destructive force within us (we have a pro-life and anti-life force within us all). :)
When you engage in pretty much all of these, it leads you to feel fundamentally broken as a person and like there is. I way I can possibly address all of these things. If it requires putting in a conscious effort, this would mean I would have to live every minute of every day correcting everything I say, do, and think and questioning if things I am not concerned about are actually self-destructive and ALSO need to be changed. It is overwhelming and little by little over the years, I have found myself giving up as the weight of it just seems impossible. I will spend so much time trying to change and being aware of the fact that pretty much everything about what I do and how I do it is harmful, and so not really living or getting to be in the moment.
Sure, everyone has flaws, but to feel like you are just a big flaw that (as this list reflects) apparently there is no area of my life where I don’t engage in this type of behavior,. Yet, being told to love myself, I just think “if everything I do and my way of being in the world is so flawed, how am I supposed to find love or even a general appreciation for myself as a basis for wanting to do any work on myself?” I don’t feel my “good” outweighs my “bad”. I don’t feel I am of any real benefit to anyone. I always say that I have some form of self-worth but no self-esteem. I know logically as a human being I am worthy, but I don’t have faith in my ability to do much of anything and seeing how self-destructive behaviors are woven into pretty much all I do, unsure how I am supposed to find value in my own destruction or have faith that any “fix” I try will. It also be self-destructive-however well-intentioned it starts out being.
I hear you Winter, and I think I’ll clarify in this article the importance of knowing that just because you identify with most of these signs, doesn’t make you ‘broken’ or a failure, it makes you human. (I wanted to bold that because it’s super important.) The issue here is focusing only on the negative, on all the things you do wrong. But what about all the things you do right? What about your openness to learn, your honesty and vulnerability in sharing here? I’m sure you can agree that you’re a caring and empathetic person as well, all of which you can be proud of.
The point here isn’t to become perfect (and catch yourself out every second of every day), it’s simply to do the best you can. As I wrote in the article:
Take it easy and do your best, that’s all you can do. If you make mistakes, that’s okay: you’re human. You’re imperfect, and that’s normal. Perhaps the best place to start is simply with self-love: https://lonerwolf.com/how-to-love-yourself-more/ and to understand that if you aren’t perfect at self-love straight away (which is normal and okay), that’s fine. Just pick yourself up and keep going.
I hope this helps in some way, Winter.
Thank you, Luna. I do understand. It just seems as though when you see so many ways you are self-destructive, it truly does drown out the good or at least severely obstruct your own view of your good. It also taints it because it makes me think that any good is automatically followed by/attached to some self-destructive behavior. I do try and try to be kind to myself, but I admit I haven’t learned how to master the art of self-kindness without also becoming complacent and leading into self-delusion. As a Virgo with Virgo dominant in most of her chart, I am prone to seeking perfection in myself and the world and letting go while knowing what to change and when and very difficult for me. But, thank you once again for the extra clarification and this wonderful article (ALL of your wonderful articles).
This article was a great read…thank you for sharing. I more resonate with overeating…started my journey only wanting to lose a few pounds, cause for years I’ve just been feeling TIRED & constricted. This lead to an awakening journey and as I’ve progressed, letting go of the past and reconciling hurts, etc; I’m still self-sabotaging. I’ll go a few consecutive days or weeks, settling into the process and then it’s like I get too comfortable…no more struggling…great, right?
At the same time, I’ll start to sneak in an extra bite, then adding something else to a meal plan, then negotiating & terrorizing myself into eating processed foods again. Once my resistance “wall” is breached…it doesn’t stop at one meal, it turns into days; I’ve gotten up to two weeks of “binging” and gaining 10+ in that time…no bueno…ARGH!!!
Since switching (on/off) to organic non-GMO foods almost two years ago, it still seems like I’m having to start over each month; with the added guilt of gaining and losing the same 10+ pounds. I’ve locked myself in my own mental prison and the only way out is thru the following…meditating (guided and non-guided), self-care/love (AM & PM routines) and practicing being present/mindful always; I’ve incorporated a few of the other practices you mentioned and they work tremendously. They are unknown to my conscious mind, but there are emotions that I haven’t realized are affecting me…hence resonating with a few of these self-destructive behavior…and as an INTJ-A I have work a bit harder to embrace and really listen to my body AND feel whatever emotions are being expressed; instead of dismissing them as I naturally do.
As I’ve said, I’ve been practicing mindfulness, being present and open to uncertainty/ambiguity; which helps with discernment, integrity, virtue and among others, empathy. What also helps is this prayer I got from one of your other articles:
*****Dear Spirit/God, please help me to open my heart and to have the courage to feel whatever is inside of me. Help me to see what I have been locking away so that I may be free of the burden of pain. May my journey deepen as I learn how to be vulnerable and receptive towards my feelings. Amen. -Lonerwolf*****
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability, Vernon. I think it’s inspiring that you, as a natural thinker (INTJ), are moving towards reconnecting with your emotions and body.
With the binging pattern, I’ve experienced that before as well with strict diets and eating habits. I’d go a few weeks eating ‘perfectly’ and then spend a whole week binging on chocolate biscuits, bread slathered in honey and jam, greasy processed chips, you name it. I started to discover that the issue was with my expectations: with wanting to eat perfectly and ideally in the first place, without giving myself a natural (and acceptable) margin of error. In other words, I was setting myself up for failure to begin with. We, as human beings, are multi-layered, and we have many sub-personalities. Some parts of us want to do things by the book, whereas other parts want to rebel and scream ‘hell no!’ Some parts of us are self-compassionate, and other parts of us are self-destructive. The key seems to be mindful of these parts and give them attention, without becoming wound up in them. I found the 80/20 rule when it applies to eating helps tremendously. You allow a margin of ‘naughtiness’ (20%) while striving to mostly eat healthy (80%). It seems to be a much more balanced lifestyle choice, in my opinion.
Also, I’m so glad the prayer helps. :)
Love how you said overeating was a nasty habit. Apparently you have more sympathy and acceptance for undereaters. You also make it sound like we should just be able to stop doing what is on this list. We know the issues. We need help!
Rhonda, I’m sorry it came across that way. I originally wrote this article in 2014, so my vocabulary and self-expression weren’t as fine-tuned as they are today. I’ve gone and changed the wording so it’s equally sympathetic to both.
I cannot express the gratitude that your website was referred to me by a dear soul… Paul Davenport. We never met face to face. He broke my heart. He was already hurting terribly & I knew he had many “rips. & tears” as we all do… He then suffered a stroke & I have not heard from him again. I have had extensive counseling in the past. As a fellow “broken” human & recoveree, still in the lifelong process of recovering from life’s traumas… Your website has continually reminded of the tools I have been blessed with & how to use them to continue on my quest for inner peace. Life is a long bumpy road where even good (my mantra) can be found in &/or coming from the worst of circumstances. Thank you for being my supportive reminder of the joy & good treasures that surround me… (& all of us) as long as I dig deep enough to discover them… & Bless you Paul Davenport wherever you are… For beyond the hurt and pain of your “leaving me behind” , you entered my life for a reason… & though I still grieve… the gifts you left in your wake are never ending!!! Luna & Sol… You are one of them…
This is so beautiful, Kathy, thank you <3
Luna and Sol, You are both such gifted genius writers..the articulation is always on point..Self destruction has been such an integral part of my life that for much of it..I had no idea there was a life or options outside of it, there was simply no awareness..all masks and masquerade..it feels amazing to be aware of it even though it’s painful as hell sometimes..it’s an ongoing journey and your posts make it easier to be on it.Thank you for the wisdom and help.Much love.
Thank you so much, Vanika. <3 It is painful, but it is so worth it!
x
Thank you Luna, your article always suits what I’m dealing with most times that I feel you are God sent to me. Today I woke up with all my troubles starring me at my face. I was weak from the inside, I wanted to stay back home and cry it out but I knew its better to go to work so I dressed up and left, while I was at work, I started typing all my bad feelings and The tears came rushing out that I couldnt hold back, everyone in the office saw me shedding tears. I wasnt embarrassed cos that was the least embarrassment I have experienced in the past few years. It seems like I was on a backward spiral, all I wanted seemed to be slipping away from my fingers. I turned 35 last month, I am so much under pressure to get married and start a home. Seemes everyone around me have been getting married while I keep watching. I meet someone and it ends almost in the same pattern. My quest for what is wrong with me led me to your writings which I have read each week. I am happy for those getting married and achieving big things all around me, but I am also tired of waiting and having my expectations crash before me. At work I feel so isolated, my colleagues ganged up against me last year at a point when I was going through another broken relationship. I tried to manage the whole situation and kept a good relationship with them despite the fact that they isolated me. When I read about how bad things happen to bad people, it makes me ask if im a bad person for all that has been going on in my life, was I a bad person, maybe I was but I didnt know. My self search journey taught me stuff about me I never knew,how I didnt love myself, how I criticised myself and judged me so harshly. I couldnt let anyone love me either because I was fighting myself inside. Now that I know better, I have tried to change some of my mindsets and behaviour to heal my core wound. Do i know who or what hurt me, not really! But I know I am not whole. I have read this article and digested it even as the tears are still flowing. I feel Im paying for all the suitors I rejected while I didnt know myself. It hurt most when I see them married with kids and some of them come back to mock me. Just wanted to express it here and that makes me feel better. I know I have been self destructing.
Hi there Grandy. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a rough time right now. That must be really hard for you.
I can relate to the feeling of being the odd one out. For example, I don’t want to get married and at this point, I don’t want children either – but everyone around me seems to be doing that. I also find what most people talk about boring and difficult for me to relate to (but I play along anyway!) I think at a certain point, it’s good to start looking at the freedoms we do have that others don’t have due to their lifestyle choices. There’s nothing wrong about living a different life from others. There’s nothing wrong with living a life other’s don’t understand. Look to nature: different plants grow at different rates. You are just growing at a different rate from others and your path is different; it doesn’t have to look like theirs. In fact, it’s probably good that it doesn’t! You are on a sacred path that most people prefer to avoid and numb: the inner path, the path of self-discovery and healing. I think that’s something to be proud of. :)
As for the saying “bad things happen to bad people,” I think that’s a load of baloney. Bad things happen to good and bad people. Please throw away this belief as it doesn’t mean anything about you. What does matter is how you meet the experiences in your life, and how you choose to grow from them and let them make you stronger.
I hope that helps.
x
oh my god! ive hurt so many others who cared for me. hiding away in my vodka, eating disorders, fake laughing(smiling depression) almost overdosing. Isolation.
Dawn, you’re aware of this behavior now, and I think that is beautiful and miraculous. <3 Now the work toward healing can begin.
Dawn, exactly the same with me! As Altheia says, recognition of this dysfunction is a fantastic positive. It is the first step to remediation. Great article Altheia thank you.
Thank you, Shiva, for affirming Dawn and for the compliment. :)
I’m painfully aware of my self deprecating behavior and want to understand the psychology of it. I have great days, albeit not many recently. I have bad days, more often than not. I’m trying to stop smoking and drinking. On bad days, I’m indulging in both. I would like to think I’m not an addicted because my indulgence is strictly emotionally based. I’m old now. Looking back though, I’ve done this since I was 14 or so. I’m awake and aware now. Introspectively I want to achieve peace and harmony within. I have a great life, a wonderful husband (that doesn’t get this whole thing) beautiful children and wonderful grandchildren. Finances aren’t what the once were, but life happens and we are “making it”. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I want to move forward, I’m just not sure how.
you write here what so many other people are going through right now. In my opinion, the best place to start is with self-love. There’s wonderful in-depth guide I’ve written here: https://lonerwolf.com/how-to-love-yourself-more/ I hope that helps. x
Hello, i was wondering if there any treatment?
Other than the advice mentioned above, AKA, I recommend seeking out a therapist/counselor. :) You can also look into books or courses online on the topic of self-destructive behavior.
Thank you because now I realize it isn’t just me that struggles and feels this way internally, beautifully written
I havw 2 other question, im sorry. Do a person with self destructive disorder have to have all the syntoms cause I only notice me having 2, 5, 6, 8, 11, 12, 13 , 14, 15, 16
AKA, one of the symptoms is ‘over-eating’ and one of them is ‘under-eating’. Of course you won’t apply to them all. Just like a depressed person will not apply to every symptom.