Throughout our lives, we carry innumerable stories with us.
When we were young we carried stories of who we thought we were, what our pasts were, and what we desired our futures to look like. When we grew older, we continued to carry many stories with us, stories that dictated what we thought about ourselves, how we viewed others, and how we perceived life in general.
In my case, the most common story I carried around with me for most of my life was: “My family is extremely religious. Their extremist beliefs limited my ability to make friends, try new things and blossom into my true self. I was traumatized by their narrow, hateful way of seeing other people and I developed low self-esteem because of my inability to connect with them, and with others. Now I have vulnerability and general anxiety issues.”
Sound familiar?
We all carry around some kind of tragic or wretched story with us. These stories – whether created about the past, the present, or the future – quagmire us in resentment, self-pity, prejudice and anxiety.
The stories we carry around with us are often unconscious, and are deeply ingrained into our psyche’s through years of habitual repetition. In other words: we make a habit of repeating stories to ourselves all throughout our lives.
But the truth is that most of the stories we carry around with us weigh down on us heavily; they completely limit our ability to experience a life of peace, gratitude and joy. In this article we’ll explore how to identify any stories you may be lugging about and how to rewrite them as an act of self-liberation.
How to Identify the Stories You Drag Around
How do you know whether you are dragging around a poisonous story in your everyday life? Usually toxic stories manifest themselves as feelings; feelings of heaviness, feelings of sadness, feelings of regret, feelings of resentment, and feelings of unease.
Take some time now to settle into your body. Breathe slowly and calmly. How do you feel? Do you feel clean, placid and vibrant? Or are you feeling sluggish, tense, and weighed down?
Our stories are like leeches or parasites: they suck the vital energy needed to heal, to feel joyful and at peace in our lives. Our stories, in essence, pollute the landscapes of our existences.
But they don’t have to. When we consciously choose to explore what tales we are unconsciously dragging around with us, we open the door to change, recovery and freedom.
In order to begin the process of exploration, you must see that there are three different types of stories that can be told about the past, the present or the future, these include:
- Stories about ourselves.
- Stories about other people.
- Stories about the world/life in general.
Let’s explore a few examples to better help you identify your own limiting stories.
Stories about ourselves can sound like the following: “I was bullied as a child and I’ll probably be bullied for the rest of my life.” “I suffer from depression and OCD. Because of that I’ll always be alone and never feel happy with my life.” “I’ve always been ugly and no matter how many times I date no one ever sticks around. I’ve got to make myself look better so that other people like me more.” “I’ve always felt shy in the past, so I’ll continue to feel shy for the rest of my life.” “I’ve never made the right choices in my life … I’ll always be a screw up. There is no hope for me.”
Stories about others can sound like the following: “My parents were drug addicts and never showed me the love I needed. They screwed up my life.” “My brother abused me, so I’ll always be a broken and unhappy person.” “Every time I try to make friends with other people it never works out. There is no one like me in the world.” “My sister’s best friend is a slut. She’s slept with over twenty different guys. She’ll try to seduce my boyfriend eventually.”
Stories about life can sound like: “Life is a battlefield. In order for me, or for anyone else to feel happy, it’s necessary to fight for what you want even at the expense of others.” “The world is against me. Most things in my life haven’t gone according to plan, so I must have been born with bad luck.” “When I couldn’t predict what was going to happen at the meeting, I felt and looked like an idiot. Everything must be predictable and able to be controlled for me to feel happy and a sense of relief.” “I wanted to have children after I established a successful career, but now my life has been completely messed up.”
These are only some of the endless stories that exist in our lives.
Now it’s your turn. What toxic stories do you have about yourself, other people and/or life in general? How are these stories contributing to your well-being and peace of mind? How are they limiting you?
Rewriting the Toxic Stories of Life
One of the most powerful ways of liberating ourselves from suffering in life is by rewriting our toxic life stories.
What does this mean?
Basically: life is a perception. There are no “right” or “wrong” ways of seeing the world; however, there are wise and unwise, intelligent and unintelligent, and beneficial and unbeneficial ways of perceiving the world.
For a long time I carried a lot of bitterness and sadness inside. The story I mentioned at the beginning of this article was literally leeching my health and my happiness every day because it formed a backdrop to my entire existence. I considered myself a “victim” and an “outcast” of a family who couldn’t understand my desire to explore, discover and come into my own person. Eventually I discovered how destructive this story playing like a broken record in my mind was … and I decided to rewrite my story.
My story now sounded like this: “My family is extremely religious. Their beliefs introduced me to the concept of God from an early age and motivated me to explore other types of religions and spiritual practices as I got older. Their intense devotion rubbed off on me and allowed me to intensely devote myself to a life of self-discovery and transformation. Thanks to my upbringing, I have grown into the person I am today.”
How about you? What does your rewritten story sound like?
Our experiences in life are truly what we make of them. Our perceptions can liberate us or enslave us.
Once I rewrote my story … suddenly an immense burden was lifted from me. Finally I could feel cleaner, clearer and more satisfied with life. Finally I could make peace with my family, my past and my upbringing. Finally I could feel gratitude, forgiveness and love again.
When rewriting your story, focus on how you benefited from the experience/s you had. Focus on the gifts, the opportunities, the doorways, and the advantages that you received. If you carry a toxic story about your divorced parents who divided your household, for example, you might choose to rewrite your story in the following way:
“As a child my parents got divorced when I turned 12. I would live with my mother for half of the year and my father for the other half which allowed me to travel, see and meet more people. I learnt to become self-reliant and independent, as well as open-minded towards my parent’s new partners and stepchildren.”
There might be many benefits and gifts you received, or only a few that you gained from your experiences in life. No matter how much or how little you received, focus on identifying any hidden treasures you can find.
Give it a try.
***
Our stories can free us or encage us, portray us as hopeless victims, or hopeful champions, feed us misery or feed us thankfulness.
It is not necessary for us to wait to be saved, redeemed or emancipated by other people in order to better our lives. No, instead we are more than able to liberate ourselves, and learning how to identify and rewrite our toxic life stories is one of the most powerful ways to do this.
Don’t wait … go for it!
Thank you, for promoting people to realize another way, rather than victim, I realized once I was 18, my life was mine & mine alone, I know exactly what I wanted, how to make those negatives in to positives striving to stick to my moral compass, be kind, honest, and never let history, be repeated upon my own family. I believe a smile, looking forward never back, HAPPY memories always. Remember you ARE NOT A VICTIM, Even if you were which I refuse that label & GOD knows I have many many horrifying childhood history lessons to draw upon. Instead I reflect on them reason to ” Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it” So be thankful you had a 1st hand multi experiences of WHAT YOU WILL NOT TO DO, Upon this reality your way ahead of the game for a conscious, gratitude filled HAPPY LIFE. VICTIM is not only unhealthy ethos, but down right unhealthy. Also Uncomfortable & irratating to others. Please your truth is yours and should be kept that way. Again many thanks to the author of this site & your kind well thoughtout words of wisdom. Spot on. Clearly those who need Professional… Read more »
I was weighed down by my toxic self sabotaging story, finally i found your blog ….Amazing content, Thanks very much !!!
its 1AM here, finally getting to bed after rewriting my story…
Mateo, both of your advice here is amazingly freeing and precisely what is needed to guide folks to healthy lifetimes full of adventure and loving with friends and family. Take full responsibility for the sufferings your poor decisions caused in yourself and others. It is empowering & allows growth and learning of understanding with patience added in. My husband and I have been able to clear many generational wounds in our families by breaking rules of engagement. By awareness and care we have brought about an end to spousal abuse witnessed by a kid in diapers seeing daddy bloody mommy’s face, breaking bones. This baby grew up to stop wife beaters. We stopped the alcoholism, pharmaceutical addiction, abandonment and avoidance of responsibility issues where love and sexuality intersect by changing the story and defeating the hatred. Bless you both for being so kind and eloquent with your teachings.
I love this site and your teachings. They are so very wise and from the heart and speak from experience. Yet they make me sad too. I had nothing in my life formation with which to judge. No developmental supports. I was always alone, eldest of seven, ignored. Father was not around. I was a depressed child. Bullied by my peers. Mother called me her “do nothing child.” Would awake with deep moaning cries. I was abandoned at 18 to a marriage I did not want, no choice in the matter. He also was a neglected child. Died of suicide. I remarried a man who turned out to be a narcissistic abuser. My 3 sons suffered as well as I. I became ill with lupus. Suffered a perforated ulcer from prescription meds. The surgeon, a personal friend of my previous father-in-law physician, chose to abuse me by way of a vagotomy. This led to abuses by the system and 28 yrs later I continue to be abused by the system. I am without medical care. I left the second marriage and now my sons treat me with the same lack of respect. They still trying to please the step dad.… Read more »
Thank you for that. I’ll begin rewriting my story tomorrow. I’ve never seen it quite that way before. Only in snippets. You guys are truly remarkable people. I have been following you for years and I hope that I will be able to always follow you and continue to improve because of you. I go back and forth between getting better and getting worse, but once in a while I find one of your articles that pulls me into the light. Let’s see how long this one lasts. I’m trying to get into noting about my experiences so that I can keep track and see how my thoughts form and the pattern of my thoughts. So I’ll rewrite my story there. Blessings to you.
Yes, inner shadow work feels really, really scary but also very important to do. Firstly though it’s…self love & Compassion work though. I don’t want to be burdened by false core beliefs anymore. They hold you back so much….Fear & trying to Survive., but it puts you in a self inflicted prison. I’m an Empath, also a Highly Sensitive Personality. Everything I feel is Intense. I’ve been on a path of self growth for a few years now. I thought I was doing really well. But recently, while trying to heal some wrong I did decades ago, the person involved completely rejected my efforts, said some truly Hurtful & hateful things to me. I see it was all because of intense pain that he was holding onto, for over 40yrs! I am glad he shared that, I felt compassion for him, but now it’s brought up feelings of…I don’t deserve happiness, I’m not good enough. Wow! I thought I’d dealt with that, but it’s really triggered me so obviously not. My chiropractor is going to do some Neuro Emotional work on me next week (NET). Hope it helps move some hurtful core beliefs. Sometimes I feel like yes, I can… Read more »
Thank you. I feel lighter. Infinite gratitude and may you feel bliss and wonder