Throughout our lives, we carry innumerable stories with us.
When we were young we carried stories of who we thought we were, what our pasts were, and what we desired our futures to look like. When we grew older, we continued to carry many stories with us, stories that dictated what we thought about ourselves, how we viewed others, and how we perceived life in general.
In my case, the most common story I carried around with me for most of my life was: “My family is extremely religious. Their extremist beliefs limited my ability to make friends, try new things and blossom into my true self. I was traumatized by their narrow, hateful way of seeing other people and I developed low self-esteem because of my inability to connect with them, and with others. Now I have vulnerability and general anxiety issues.”
Sound familiar?
We all carry around some kind of tragic or wretched story with us. These stories – whether created about the past, the present, or the future – quagmire us in resentment, self-pity, prejudice and anxiety.
The stories we carry around with us are often unconscious, and are deeply ingrained into our psyche’s through years of habitual repetition. In other words: we make a habit of repeating stories to ourselves all throughout our lives.
But the truth is that most of the stories we carry around with us weigh down on us heavily; they completely limit our ability to experience a life of peace, gratitude and joy. In this article we’ll explore how to identify any stories you may be lugging about and how to rewrite them as an act of self-liberation.
How to Identify the Stories You Drag Around
How do you know whether you are dragging around a poisonous story in your everyday life? Usually toxic stories manifest themselves as feelings; feelings of heaviness, feelings of sadness, feelings of regret, feelings of resentment, and feelings of unease.
Take some time now to settle into your body. Breathe slowly and calmly. How do you feel? Do you feel clean, placid and vibrant? Or are you feeling sluggish, tense, and weighed down?
Our stories are like leeches or parasites: they suck the vital energy needed to heal, to feel joyful and at peace in our lives. Our stories, in essence, pollute the landscapes of our existences.
But they don’t have to. When we consciously choose to explore what tales we are unconsciously dragging around with us, we open the door to change, recovery and freedom.
In order to begin the process of exploration, you must see that there are three different types of stories that can be told about the past, the present or the future, these include:
- Stories about ourselves.
- Stories about other people.
- Stories about the world/life in general.
Let’s explore a few examples to better help you identify your own limiting stories.
Stories about ourselves can sound like the following: “I was bullied as a child and I’ll probably be bullied for the rest of my life.” “I suffer from depression and OCD. Because of that I’ll always be alone and never feel happy with my life.” “I’ve always been ugly and no matter how many times I date no one ever sticks around. I’ve got to make myself look better so that other people like me more.” “I’ve always felt shy in the past, so I’ll continue to feel shy for the rest of my life.” “I’ve never made the right choices in my life … I’ll always be a screw up. There is no hope for me.”
Stories about others can sound like the following: “My parents were drug addicts and never showed me the love I needed. They screwed up my life.” “My brother abused me, so I’ll always be a broken and unhappy person.” “Every time I try to make friends with other people it never works out. There is no one like me in the world.” “My sister’s best friend is a slut. She’s slept with over twenty different guys. She’ll try to seduce my boyfriend eventually.”
Stories about life can sound like: “Life is a battlefield. In order for me, or for anyone else to feel happy, it’s necessary to fight for what you want even at the expense of others.” “The world is against me. Most things in my life haven’t gone according to plan, so I must have been born with bad luck.” “When I couldn’t predict what was going to happen at the meeting, I felt and looked like an idiot. Everything must be predictable and able to be controlled for me to feel happy and a sense of relief.” “I wanted to have children after I established a successful career, but now my life has been completely messed up.”
These are only some of the endless stories that exist in our lives.
Now it’s your turn. What toxic stories do you have about yourself, other people and/or life in general? How are these stories contributing to your well-being and peace of mind? How are they limiting you?
Rewriting the Toxic Stories of Life
One of the most powerful ways of liberating ourselves from suffering in life is by rewriting our toxic life stories.
What does this mean?
Basically: life is a perception. There are no “right” or “wrong” ways of seeing the world; however, there are wise and unwise, intelligent and unintelligent, and beneficial and unbeneficial ways of perceiving the world.
For a long time I carried a lot of bitterness and sadness inside. The story I mentioned at the beginning of this article was literally leeching my health and my happiness every day because it formed a backdrop to my entire existence. I considered myself a “victim” and an “outcast” of a family who couldn’t understand my desire to explore, discover and come into my own person. Eventually I discovered how destructive this story playing like a broken record in my mind was … and I decided to rewrite my story.
My story now sounded like this: “My family is extremely religious. Their beliefs introduced me to the concept of God from an early age and motivated me to explore other types of religions and spiritual practices as I got older. Their intense devotion rubbed off on me and allowed me to intensely devote myself to a life of self-discovery and transformation. Thanks to my upbringing, I have grown into the person I am today.”
How about you? What does your rewritten story sound like?
Our experiences in life are truly what we make of them. Our perceptions can liberate us or enslave us.
Once I rewrote my story … suddenly an immense burden was lifted from me. Finally I could feel cleaner, clearer and more satisfied with life. Finally I could make peace with my family, my past and my upbringing. Finally I could feel gratitude, forgiveness and love again.
When rewriting your story, focus on how you benefited from the experience/s you had. Focus on the gifts, the opportunities, the doorways, and the advantages that you received. If you carry a toxic story about your divorced parents who divided your household, for example, you might choose to rewrite your story in the following way:
“As a child my parents got divorced when I turned 12. I would live with my mother for half of the year and my father for the other half which allowed me to travel, see and meet more people. I learnt to become self-reliant and independent, as well as open-minded towards my parent’s new partners and stepchildren.”
There might be many benefits and gifts you received, or only a few that you gained from your experiences in life. No matter how much or how little you received, focus on identifying any hidden treasures you can find.
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***
Our stories can free us or encage us, portray us as hopeless victims, or hopeful champions, feed us misery or feed us thankfulness.
It is not necessary for us to wait to be saved, redeemed or emancipated by other people in order to better our lives. No, instead we are more than able to liberate ourselves, and learning how to identify and rewrite our toxic life stories is one of the most powerful ways to do this.
Don’t wait … go for it!
Mateo, both of your advice here is amazingly freeing and precisely what is needed to guide folks to healthy lifetimes full of adventure and loving with friends and family. Take full responsibility for the sufferings your poor decisions caused in yourself and others. It is empowering & allows growth and learning of understanding with patience added in. My husband and I have been able to clear many generational wounds in our families by breaking rules of engagement. By awareness and care we have brought about an end to spousal abuse witnessed by a kid in diapers seeing daddy bloody mommy’s face, breaking bones. This baby grew up to stop wife beaters. We stopped the alcoholism, pharmaceutical addiction, abandonment and avoidance of responsibility issues where love and sexuality intersect by changing the story and defeating the hatred. Bless you both for being so kind and eloquent with your teachings.
I love this site and your teachings. They are so very wise and from the heart and speak from experience. Yet they make me sad too. I had nothing in my life formation with which to judge. No developmental supports. I was always alone, eldest of seven, ignored. Father was not around. I was a depressed child. Bullied by my peers. Mother called me her “do nothing child.” Would awake with deep moaning cries. I was abandoned at 18 to a marriage I did not want, no choice in the matter. He also was a neglected child. Died of suicide. I remarried a man who turned out to be a narcissistic abuser. My 3 sons suffered as well as I. I became ill with lupus. Suffered a perforated ulcer from prescription meds. The surgeon, a personal friend of my previous father-in-law physician, chose to abuse me by way of a vagotomy. This led to abuses by the system and 28 yrs later I continue to be abused by the system. I am without medical care. I left the second marriage and now my sons treat me with the same lack of respect. They still trying to please the step dad. I do not deserve the abuse. I am an intelligent and resourceful woman. Self taught and with talents. I am a retired nurse and breed ragdoll cats (this keeps me sane) Yet I am now 68 and my health is failing. I remain a target for abuse. I am angry and hurting. I have one brother I can relate to yet he too keeps distant from family. I have only ever been compassionate and giving throughout my life up to now. Can you help?
Thank you for that. I’ll begin rewriting my story tomorrow. I’ve never seen it quite that way before. Only in snippets. You guys are truly remarkable people. I have been following you for years and I hope that I will be able to always follow you and continue to improve because of you. I go back and forth between getting better and getting worse, but once in a while I find one of your articles that pulls me into the light. Let’s see how long this one lasts. I’m trying to get into noting about my experiences so that I can keep track and see how my thoughts form and the pattern of my thoughts. So I’ll rewrite my story there. Blessings to you.
Hey Anonymous, I’m so happy you’ve decided to comment after many years :). I can tell you from my own experience the ebb and flow, the spiral nature of growth seems to be the rule rather than the exception. The mind works in extremes, like a pendulum, but the centric point is always the same. It’s the slow shifting from the pendulum to the center point that is what we could call self-realization. I’m glad you’re wanting to share your story hopefully to help many more realize their not alone in their experiences.
Yes, inner shadow work feels really, really scary but also very important to do. Firstly though it’s…self love & Compassion work though. I don’t want to be burdened by false core beliefs anymore. They hold you back so much….Fear & trying to Survive., but it puts you in a self inflicted prison. I’m an Empath, also a Highly Sensitive Personality. Everything I feel is Intense. I’ve been on a path of self growth for a few years now. I thought I was doing really well. But recently, while trying to heal some wrong I did decades ago, the person involved completely rejected my efforts, said some truly Hurtful & hateful things to me. I see it was all because of intense pain that he was holding onto, for over 40yrs! I am glad he shared that, I felt compassion for him, but now it’s brought up feelings of…I don’t deserve happiness, I’m not good enough. Wow! I thought I’d dealt with that, but it’s really triggered me so obviously not. My chiropractor is going to do some Neuro Emotional work on me next week (NET). Hope it helps move some hurtful core beliefs. Sometimes I feel like yes, I can become this enlightened beautiful soul, but even after all that, I’ll be alone, passed over, become invisible. So depressing. Still, I’ll keep exploring, healing my wounds, try to be my best self. Maybe that’s all I can hope for. & I have to accept that. Love & Peace to all those struggling with these issues. They’re different experiences we share, but it’s all still the same pain we feel.
Thank you. I feel lighter. Infinite gratitude and may you feel bliss and wonder
Honestly, I’d like to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your advices have and continue to help me enormously with exactly what I need/crave for and you’ve been a critical part in my emotional healing so, can’t seriously be more thankful with you guys for your insanely amazing work so keep up the good work and again, thanks <3 hugs :)
Thank you so much for sharing your experience so that others may also heal. I grew up the same way, in a Christian home/church, as a extremely sensitive soul and observer. My teen years were painful, so anxious and depressed. Shy and craving solitude. I moved from that into the army for 8 years which helped bring me out of my shell but didn’t diminish my sensitivity or ability to feel others emotions, even after going to war. I then went into marriage that wasn’t right, I knew at my core it wasn’t, yet still followed through. Although it was very traumatic I am thankful for the lessons and am happy to have crawled out of that after several years to start the healing process. My 20s were pretty traumatic…still processing through the divorce and army experience and now I’m also learning all about repressed feelings from my Christian upbringing. I’ve been dealing with insomnia and illness for the past few years so trying to sort that out. Then…. I happened to come across a healer/naturopath/medium who’s been helping me the past 3 weeks. I read a book a couple weeks ago about being an empath. It clicked. Tonight I connected instantly with your website. I’ve been engrossed in article after article for the past several hours. So grateful to not feel alone as an empath and to have so many techniques to work with to do my “soulwork” so I can be better aligned with my inner spirit and able to offer more for others. I’ve been a massage therapist for 11 years, just started my reiki energy work last year, and became a yoga teacher 2 years ago. It’s all coming together. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I look forward to the process. Namaste beautiful souls. Grateful. Thank you.
wow , my first time on here, cant tell you how much this article has helped me , ive struggled wil identifying whats really holding me back from living my life with joy , freedom and inner peace. This is it , a toxic life story thats just been waying me down all my life.
Thank you so much for this article , i just re-wrote my story and i feel so light and peaceful inside. i finally feel like i can walk out of this a victor and not a victim… thank you again.
good article helps me with my writing skills to improve my writing abikity thanks very much
My pleasure Christina, I’m glad to hear that. :)
I want to know the easiest way to stop having feelings. I’m tired of being an idiot. I want to don’t care about nothing and no one.
Unless you were born a cyborg, it is impossible to ‘stop’ having feelings unfortunately. Rather than rejecting and running away from them, your life will be much happier if you learn to accept and embrace them. Reading this article might help you out: https://lonerwolf.com/emotional-minimalism/
Why embrace? I’ve no one to give love. And no one will give me it, neither. It’s just a lack. I could be completelly engaged with my learnings, but I feel the preasure these emotions do on me. So, I abbandon everything. It’s ruining my life.
I very much doubt that Rogell, however, if you believe this you will continue to perpetuate it in your life—this is essentially what a “self-fulfilling prophecy” is. It’s easy to portray ourselves as victims but harder to take responsibility for our lives.
What do you doubt? About love? Well, there are people who deserve it and people who don’t deserve. I’m sure I’m the second one. I’m not a victim. I’m just trying to change way things are. I would prefer to intend to do something and do than just stay at my own 24/7 thinking with myself “i’m alone, i’m alone, i’m alone”
I very much doubt no one has love to give you Rogell. And your idea of love is very much dependent on how you define it. But it is good that you are trying to change your life.
So, I’m sorry, but you’re wrong.
:)
Wow, rewriting my own toxic stories is something I do, or try to do, every day. But right now it hasn’t fixed well into my mind, there are still terrible highs and lows.
I have a traumatic, tragic and melancholic memory. I feel like I’m an old soul that wants to become young to then be able to forget…
We usually see ourselves worst than what we really are. I’m still very surprised when people do compliment myself and search for my presence. I always try to lean on that, but most of the time I fail and turn back to my ruminations…
I know all comes from the deepest part of me. I know something terrible is hidden in my personal hades and block me on the path of true life and true self. I think I know what it is but I’m so afraid to face it, don’t know when I’ll decide the time has come to do it.
Happy to come back here, read your articles, great as always, and let this few words. I’ve been very busied these last weeks and so was away from LonerWolf.
Greetings !
It is good that you are at least aware that SOMETHING is blocking you ;) Many people go through life not even aware of their ‘darker selves’ and try to repress them and deny them as much as possible. The truth is that most of us have blockages which sometimes take a while to discover and clear. Making time to introspect every day will help you a lot on this path … as we very rarely get to sit down and explore ourselves in this fast-paced day and age. Also, seeking for a spirit guide might help you on your journey. When I came in contact with my spirit guide I was quickly shown that there was something in my “underworld” that needed to be brought out of the gloom and worked on. However, before you do explore your underworld, developing self-love and a healthy self-esteem is essential (perhaps that is why you are afraid to face it, you will know when you are ready).
:) nice to hear from you again Marina!
Thanks for your nice answer, dear Aletheia.
You are perfectly right when you write : “However, before you do explore your underworld, developing self-love and
a healthy self-esteem is essential (perhaps that is why you are afraid
to face it, you will know when you are ready).”
Oh yeah, this is exactly the case. These last few months however, I felt like I was entering a new step in my life. A death, and then a rebirth (1). And I now begin to discover what is self-love and healthy self-esteem (I never knew it before…).
I have to say that I’m now meeting the good people to help me and guide me into this way, and let me tell you that you & Sol are part of these good people :) . I know that we are miles and miles away from each other, but you mean a lot to me, really.
I feel like I’m about to meet my Shadow :) . But compared to what I wrote in my first comment, I now feel like I’m not afraid any more to face it :) .
With friendship,
Marina
(1) Goethe wrote a very beautiful poem which name is “Selige Sehnsucht”, “Blissful Yearning” in English, and I’m in love with one of the poem’s verse, which is so true :
“And so long as you have not attained it,
this, ‘Die and become !’,
you will only be a gloomy guest
on this dark earth.”
Die and become : Stirb und werde.
I “sort of” agree with you. I think the answer though is too easy if you are really trying to change deep seated toxic beliefs. This article to me seems to be focused on how we label and judge. I personally think labeling and judging isn’t a healthy habit, but much of the world would disagree with me. What I believe is much more important is seeing the full reality of an experience and it’s effect on you without protecting the perpetrators or yourself. What I am saying is that your mind will not settle until what it “saw” and “experienced” is validated by yourself. Then you truly can choose your path of healing and journey to explore.
I was very deeply abused mentally and physically as a child and trained not to complain and to believe I was bad because I was getting punished all the time. I learned to “rewrite” my stories as a child and continued throughout my adulthood so that I could be “successful” and a good mom. I would never call a spade a spade. I would make excuses for everyone who abused me and blame myself in the name of self growth and not being negative – seeing things in a positive light. I was so insulated by my re-writes, I didn’t even feel part of this earth. My inner world was much more real than my external world and I started leaking tears all the time. I had a breakdown. Mental illness. I didn’t trust anybody. I was accusing all the wrong people of hurting me instead of the ones that actually were.
At age 45, I was reading a book about narcissism. And the story was so like mine, that I empathized with myself for the first time and acknowledged reality. It wasn’t being a victim. It was finally acknowledging the truth that my soul so much wanted me to acknowledge. That was a new beginning. It was like I was surrounded by a lake of pain that was surrounded by a glacier which finally cracked and the lake finally was able to slowly leak out as I wept off and on for a few months – AND I Could Feel Again!! I had been so numb and separated and alone. That doesn’t mean my life is all wonderful with no problems. But it does mean that I can finally Feel my experience of living and being part of the world.
Often just looking at something from a viewpoint does help immensely in our every day lives. But we can’t start lying to ourselves. The truth always makes itself heard at the worst moments then.
I don’t know how to say this, Deb, but I had similar experiences with you. And yes, I agree with you that labeling and judging are not healthy. But unfortunately many people these days “worship” those labels and judgements, even people let those stuffs define themselves. I like the way you describe your new beginning, I think it’s cool and brilliant. I am glad that there are more and more people find their new beginnings and enlightening moments in their lives. I just want to thank you for sharing, Deb, you and other friends here let me know that I’m not really alone
Thank you, Ika! It was so kind of you to respond!
What was the ‘narcissism’ book, Deb?
Thank you Deb. Rewriting the stories you have told yourself in life is just one of the thousands of techniques and strategies you can use to heal yourself and become strong and more connected with yourself, others and the world. While changing perceptions might help some people, others like yourself might benefit from other strategies such as self-compassion. But in all cases acceptance of what has happened to us is absolutely imperative. Rewriting our life stories can in some instances be used as a form of denial, but as with any practice of self-love, conscious application is essential for any true growth to occur.
I appreciate your comment!
Thank you, Aletheia! These are useful words!
There is no right, there is no wrong, it’s just the rhythm we choose to belong. I had this moment of liberation when I started to have different perspective in life, just like you wrote. I didn’t try to change it, it just simply popped out in me and everything seems and feels clearer and lighter. I could feel all the pain and destructive thoughts in me were being “neutralized”, not better or worse, just neutral like zero. Thank you, Luna, for your beautiful article. I find this very soothing.
“Neutralizing” is a brilliant way of describing the process of letting go of our old stories Ika. Our stories create the greatest imbalances in us, and once we learn to see through new perspectives, we can often physically feel a burden lift from us, almost leaving us feeling ’empty’ and ‘clearer’ like you mentioned. I appreciate your thoughts and contributions as always!
I have had a lot of straight and guy people ask me; (If I am guy). When I say no, they act like they don’t fully trust me, when I say (no I am straight). One gay guy said his gay radar was rally good and he trusted it and could not understand why it was wrong. I found out later that the way people see other people are ether (straight or guy) but, they do not add in for introverts which are closer to gays then straight people in how they act. even if they are straight or gay. I hear it from friends to people asking my friends behind my back from when boys and girls started noticing each other to age 57 when I learned I was a introvert. Thanks, Chuck from Frederic, Wisconsin, USA
People always make assumptions based on their beliefs and “stories” about other people and the world. As long as we know the truth of who we are and stand tall deriving our happiness from within, nothing anyone ever says or does can harm us. Thank you for sharing here Chuck. ;)
Timely article Luna – just what I needed to hear today, thank you.
Wonderful to hear that Jen! Synchronicity ;)