“What is wrong with me?” “Am I crazy?” “Am I just broken?” “Will anyone truly love me?” “Why do I keep f*cking up everything?” “Why am I such an outsider/loser?” “What the hell is wrong with me?”
If you’re here reading these words, chances are that you’ve felt (or are currently feeling) this way about yourself.
No judgment here. I’ve experienced these thoughts and feelings over and over again in my life.
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But I’ve learned something important: believe it or not, there’s nothing actually wrong with you.
Yes, you might be living from a wounded place or from patterns of unresolved trauma, but that doesn’t make you “broken.”
In this simple guide, you’re going to learn why you feel like something is wrong with you, and what to do with these crappy feelings.
Note: this article is specifically for those who feel on an emotional level that something is off with them. But if you’re experiencing a physical issue like a mysterious symptom or illness, please go and see the doctor. Or if you’re having extreme psychological disturbances like hallucinations or suicidal thoughts, this article will not be able to adequately support you, so please see a psychiatrist or call a suicide hotline immediately.
Table of contents
“What is Wrong With Me?” – FOUR Reasons Why You Might Feel This Way
True story: I used to believe that I was an evil sinner that was going to hell.
Of course, that extreme (and kind of comical) belief came from my strict religious upbringing which instilled this unshakeable, ever-present belief that something was terribly wrong with me.
Thankfully I no longer believe that psychologically abusive teaching, but it has given me a direct understanding and insight into this pernicious belief.
Here are some potential reasons why you might believe that something is wrong with you:
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- Religious conditioning (as I mentioned above) which can directly or indirectly impact you
- Childhood trauma – i.e., being brought up in an environment where you were made to feel unworthy, unlovable, unseen, ugly, unwanted, etc. on a regular basis
- Systemic oppression due to your race, sexuality, gender, physical ability, etc.
- Media marketing – e.g., constantly being exposed to unrealistically beautiful, successful, and happy people on social media, advertisements, and other media sources
Most of us have faced at least one (usually many) of these experiences – and they all contribute to a feeling of low self-worth and loss of self-respect. Let me know what you think the source of your struggle is in the comments below.
Nope, There’s Nothing “Wrong” With You
Stopping to really take a look at this question of “what is wrong with me?” we can see how superficial it is in the sense that it’s unhelpful and doesn’t go very deep into the issue.
It’s a surface judgment.
We discover that we can’t stay in a relationship and so we immediately assume that there’s something wrong with us.
We feel anxious around groups of people and so we judge ourselves as being broken or we apply a pathological label to our symptoms.
It’s normal to skip to these conclusions and quick judgments – no blame here. We all do it due to the four reasons outlined in the previous section.
But instead of asking “what is wrong with me?” I encourage you to ask a more gentle and trauma-focused question:
“What happened to me?”
And also…
“How did I survive it?”
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We’ll explore these two questions a bit more later. But first, let’s examine the link between trauma and the belief that there’s something wrong with us:
“What is Wrong With Me?” is a Belief Rooted in Trauma
Here’s the thing:
The way in which you live life right now is rooted in the experiences you’ve had growing up and the unresolved trauma embedded in your body, heart, and mind.
Whatever stressful, maladaptive, or difficult behaviors you’re exhibiting right now are an adaptive response or a survival mechanism that your inner biology and psychology developed to ward of danger in the past, and keep it away in the present.
How does this relate to the belief that we’re messed up or broken?
The answer is that there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with you, you’re just living from a traumatised place.
In the words of trauma specialist Bessel Van Der Kolk:
Being traumatised means continuing to organise your life as if the trauma were still going on — uncharged and immutable — as every new encounter or even is contaminated by the past. After trauma the world is experienced with a different nervous system. The survivor’s energy now becomes focused on suppressing inner chaos, at the expense of spontaneous involvement in their lives.
We’ll explore ways to deal with this trauma (which can happen due to many experiences including one-off and ongoing stressful events) in the next section.
Ultimately, the core message here is that believing that there’s something “wrong” with you is understandable but also shortsighted. Why? The answer is that whatever pain you’re experiencing is rooted in deeper unresolved trauma and beliefs that drive your actions and perceptions.
This unresolved trauma isn’t your fault at all. But it is your responsibility (if you choose that path) to work through it from a bigger-picture understanding.
How to Free Yourself From the Belief That There’s Something “Wrong” With You (4 Paths & Practices)
If you constantly ask yourself the question “what is wrong with me?” you’ll probably experience at least one of the following symptoms:
- Self-loathing
- Feeling empty inside
- Feeling alone and unlovable
- Feeling lost in life
- Existential depression or existential crisis
- (For younger people) quarter-life crisis
If you’re interested in exploring any of those symptoms a little more in-depth, click through to the relevant article.
But for now, let’s explore how you can free yourself from the belief that there’s something “wrong” with you:
1. Journal about these three questions
To revisit the importance of the two questions I mentioned earlier in this article, I encourage you to actually journal about them:
- “What happened to me?” (i.e., what trauma have you experienced growing up and in adulthood, e.g., religious conditioning, childhood trauma, systemic oppression, toxic media marketing, etc.)
- “How did I survive it?” (i.e., in response to this trauma what behaviors did you consciously or unconsciously adopt to numb, avoid, or suppress the pain?)
- (Bonus question) “How does this new awareness change my self-perception?”
You’d be surprised by what kinds of unexpected insights and even breakthroughs can emerge after exploring these three questions.
2. Craft a self-compassion practice
Learning to grow self-respect and self-love is a huge part of counterracting the belief that there’s something fundamentally “wrong” with you.
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One of my favorite practices is doing a 1-minute mirror work practice each day where I talk to myself kindly using supportive affirmations like “I am worthy” or simply connect with my heart and say something gentle to myself. Although mirror work can be a tough and uncomfortable practice at first, it gets easier with time.
Some other guides that may help you cultivate a daily self-compassion practice are:
- Self-Love: 23 Ways to Become a Doctor of the Soul
- How to Love Yourself (No Bullsh*t Guide)
- 100+ Journaling Ideas For Deep Mental & Spiritual Healing
3. Release Stored Trauma at a Physical Level
Our nervous system governs our entire being. Read that sentence again.
So if your nervous system is stuck in a fight, flight, or freeze mode, you will never be able to feel truly relaxed, grounded, or connected.
Ever wonder why no amount of good exercise, healthy habits, talk therapy, or meditation makes you feel better?
The answer is that you’ve most likely forgotten about the importance of healing at a somatic or physical nervous system level.
Some routes I recommend exploring further are:
- Reading books like When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate, The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, and Scared Sick by Karr-Morse and S. Wiley
- Watching videos on YouTube about nervous system healing and regulation
- Exploring trauma-informed somatic healing practices (like cultivating body awareness, resourcing, pendulation, etc.) and potentially working with a trained somatic healing therapist
4. Soul Searching
For some, sticking with the above pieces of advice is enough. But for others, there is an even deeper craving to find and deal with the root of suffering which creates trauma in the first place: the ego.
The ego is that separate sense of self that we carry which causes us to feel lonely, isolated, and abandoned.
When we live from an ego-centered place, we live misaligned lives that tend to feel meaningless, aimless, or empty on some level.
By going Soul searching, by going on a journey to find out own deeper path in life, we also discover that there’s nothing actually wrong with us – it’s only the fragmented ego that believes that.
If you’d like more guidance, I highly recommend checking out my article called Soul Searching: 7 Ways to Uncover Your True Path and my guide entitled Meaning of Life VS. Purpose of Life (the Difference!).
This whole website is dedicated to the topic of Soul searching and the spiritual awakening journey, so you’ll find many resources at your fingertips!
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I’d love to know if this article helped you at all. It’s always meaningful for me to read your responses to what I create and share. Please feel welcome to write any of your thoughts or feelings about this topic below!
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I have had childhood filled with emotionally neglectful parents. I have always had low self-worth and self-confidence. Over the past few years and great therapy, I realized it was never about me. My mom is not wired to be a motherly person. She has always been very non-affectionate and non-loving. My stepdad already had children in college when he married my mom. He was done raising kids.
“My mom is not wired to be a motherly person.” – wow, this statement hit me deep as I feel like it applies so much to my own upbringing. Some people just aren’t what we’d like them to be (such as our parents), and that’s something I’m still coming to terms with and accepting. Thank you for this comment, Stephanie!
Firstly a really great article that resonates deeply with soul and my own experience growing up.
3 things that have helped me are journaling, meditation and a one-time beautiful experience with magic mushrooms. Mushrooms may not be for everyone but given the right set and setting it can transform the way you view yourself and the world. For me it was a beautiful experience, full of love. It involved some mirror work during the experience and from this a deep sense of peace, that everything will be ok.
To me, deep, meaningful love is to feel connected which is our natural state being. The only way is the way of the heart and to go all it’s way. Sometimes we need to let go and surrender.
I love how you combined mirror work with mushrooms, Iames! That is such a powerful experience (provided one is in the right mental state, etc.) which I’ve experienced as well. Thank you for this meaningful comment and for sharing your wisdom <3
This was beautiful thank you!!! Trauma really does rewire us in painful ways. My nervous system doesn’t heal no matter how many therapy I take because of all of the unwiring i have to do
Hi L, have you tried somatic psychotherapy by chance?
Not before, I will make sure to take a look at it
Thank you so much for this lovely article. Yes all the points u mentioned above is what I have been feeling since 20 years and after covid this has been increased. Thank you for the solutions that you have given. Stay blessed !!
Thanks Ken, much love! <3
This article, in fact your website in general, has been helping me enormously in my journey towards healing and self-discovery. I was unloved, mocked, teased, treated differently to my ‘more intelligent, funny, handsome’ brother who in fact was just a bully and got everything his own way and he, along with my parents, were abusive in many ways towards me most of my life growing up. My one regret is once I left home at 17 is never looking back, that was my plan but my manipulative mother made sure I was always somehow made aware of their presence and there was no escape. Being racist, my family disowned me when I married a non-white, non-christian person and it was quite a relief to be free from them but it’s still always in the back of your mind, that feeling of being unwanted and unloved never leaves you. However, I’ve managed to slowly recover and realize that it is these people who had the problem, not me, even though it was traumatizing and constant, they were so narrow minded and so blind to their own ignorance and I knew I should never have been born into that family, but at the same time it made me stronger and stronger as time went by as a child and adult, life has been hard and lonely but I have the strength of character of a lion and, even though I’m getting old and am now disabled, I can hold my head up high and say ‘I made it’, I was a good Mum and my three kids are testament to that, one is a Doctor of Psychology, one has a degree in English Literature and is pursuing Journalism, my precious youngest has severe Autism but he is beautiful and happy and loves his Residential School where he learns so much and gets so many new activities. I can rest a bit now in the knowledge I’ve done what I was born to do, be a good mother and now I can reflect on memories and focus on my own self worth, discoveries and disabilities and be content in the knowledge that I did my very best in a life that was so difficult to cope with at times. I don’t have many friends, I don’t have a social life but I am content and happy and my little home is my ‘castle’ where I am constantly learning and discovering new things about the world and myself every day, it makes life that bit more exciting and makes me feel human, I still cry when I hear of children or animals being abused, any form of cruelty saddens me deeply but we plod on and manage to cope with it in the knowledge that Karma has a way of dealing with everything and life is not so bad. Thank you for this website which has been such a beautiful learning experience for me.
As a young person I often felt out of place unwanted and not fitting in. As I was taught to be a good boy, quiet child, cautious with good manners and only speak up when spoken to by adults. Marked at primary school as a Pommy Nerd, from English parents, yet born here as true blue Aussie.
This did not go down well when attending a rough Aussie primary public school environment where loudness and quick wits made me appear introverted, thoughtful, shy, and very apprehensive of taking part in activities. Due mainly to fear of being seen as foolish, stupid or humiliated for not quickly grasping the general run on activities with other kids. How winners are quick minded and quickly grasp the emotional interplay, can dodge the bullet, flaunt the rules and regulations then dominate until they win. Easily taking the Alpha male/female role. Being leaders of the pack.
So I did not fit in well nor coped with the physicality of primary school life, holding back from participation as I was conditioned and taught to be careful, cautious and suspicious of others motives, especially older females, or suspicious of anyone outside of the family inner circle (strangers)or any one that may be a possible threat. Being small in stature, emotionally frail, and easily tormented and teased made me a prime target.
So much of my early life was spent living in fear on the inside and coping with bad ingrained thoughts and attitudes on the outside. So its been a hard road over the last sixty seven years to overcome past events and pre set my mind emotions and spirit to a level that works naturally in this world without wearing other peoples lifestyles via comparison to them and adopting it as my own. So now I am a composite mixture, where life in some aspects has been a certain home made hell and difficult to change. However I can see that many bad, weak and fearful events have helped to build inner spiritual strength with a life hardened creature on the outside.
Only by looking for, finding, and giving love can we hope to change this world to make it a better place free from toxic negativity and toxic beliefs.
“What is wrong with me?” That question is indeed a rooted belief in my mind. As you mentioned, upbringing is a strong factor in building these believes. In my experience, I recall moments below my age 6, when I were very spontaneous, and accepting all my authentic behavior (As most childs were). I noticed fastly my difference in interests, way of thinking, perspective compared to most kids (which is very normal). For example while most were interested in sports, daily events and other things, I was interested in pictures of artificial satellites, topics derived from scientific documentaries, talking about how snakes impress me (Truly, Hehe). I knew that very few cared about that, yet I was satisfied, I enjoyed the company of few kids. I had my own inner world, with which I shared with people who resonates with me.
But thanks primarily to my parents’ criticism over the years, plus my surroundings bullying me, I quickly learned that my difference is incorrect. I has been litterally meeting questions like: “Why aren’t you accompanying big crowds of your peers?” Or “Why are you weird? You should be like others!”…
As I grew up, my family insisted about me being the most successful person in studies. That’s normal, what was not is that I noticed more emotional punishment than rewards from my surroundings. When I make great efforts to look good and special, I get neutral admiration, and when I don’t, I get severe insults about my unworthiness, i.e. They can litterally say: “You complete piece of shame!”
“You will be a complete humilated person in front of your peers!”.
Because of my natural passivity and introversion, I was taught that I am weak. And as a result of all that, I am struggling with feelings of deficiency and I envy other people because I was unconsciously taught they are better and worthier than me fundamentally (Btw, that made me type myself as a 4w3 sp/sx in enneagram typology).
I tried to picture what happened. And now, the result is clear. My not very supportive family who wanted me to change my authentic self by force had led me to believe in the famous phrase: “There is something wrong with me.” Therefore, the supressed and unconscious fears are now showing up in a very crucial now, I have to be self-reliant, self-supported, completely responsible. Yet, it is until now that all these past fears are making me self-doubtful, coward and with a weak self reliance. I no longer behave in the natural, spontaneous confidence of the child I once were, I may have been judged weird, but now, I am “weirder”. I mean I do not feel now average self doubt, but huge one. In social interactions that requires a sharp mind, I keep repeating (against my will) that something will go wrong, I am going to be judged very badly, and indeed that’s what happens.
And surprisingly, the same people who contributed in my traumatic feelings are criticyzing me about the fact that I am very unnaturally awkward when I deal with practical things or social communication, or whatever else.
No need to blame (even If I did unawarely tbh).
I just wanted to emphasize the contribution each individual gives to other people. It can be constructive or destructive. Honestly, I sometimes contribute in these negative behavior unawarely.
I just wonder if most people were truly self aware of the way they impact other’s lives, especially if they are family members, or someone they spend with most time. I got idealistic, but anyway it would be a greater society.
Hi Haytam, thank you for sharing this introspective self-exploration here. In an ideal world, we’d all be aware of our impact on others. But one thing I’m learning (as a type 4 enneagram as well), is that idealism isn’t helpful. Realism is. The reality is that people aren’t mindful because they haven’t processed their own traumas. But that doesn’t stop me from processing mine and learning to re-parent myself and the wounded inner child within me that feels scared, ashamed, and fundamentally broken. I send much love to you and your inner child ♡ P.S. I hope you know by reading these comments that you’re not alone in feeling that way!
Yes, I agree on that point very much, when I get responsible for every inner problem I have, things get much better, It’s hard yes but (by 2 years of experience after a severe psychological crisis) it’s possible to keep up. Well, it makes me calmer and more confident when I notice that I am not alone in that, I also have a family member who have a similar problem.
Thank you. I’ve always felt this way (that there was something fundamentally wrong with me).
The reasons are 2 & 4 I think. Also growing up with a neurotic controlling mother and being a highly sensitive introvert empath, experiencing family breakdown and loss of a parent as we moved to this country. Always feel people don’t like me and if I was someone else or a an “okay” person I’d have done the right thing / acceptable thing / be enough.
Thank you for sharing this Amber. I hope you know now that you’re not alone!
I am 88 years old and have felt there was something “wrong” with me all my life. This article is “right on”. thank you I am copying it will spend some time exploring the meaning in depth. thank you! (am sending you a donation)
Wow, it is a deep honor to read this, Evelyn. I’m so delighted that the guidance here has been of help and support to you. I send so much love and respect to you for continuing to do the work! ♡
Without going into details. I feel broken in some ways. Mentally, emotionally, and sexually. Possibly even spiritually disconnected. I don’t lead a conventional life in many ways judging by the general path of the majority.
Not really sure what the ultimate solution is going to be for me. Still finding my way.
I hear you Nathan, there are parts of the inner path that can feel so confusing and alienating. I’ve been there before. Keep taking it one day at a time brother!