Infidelity, cheating, and affairs . . . these are topics that we tiptoe around discussing when we’re in relationships. The prospect of being lied to and cheated on by our significant others is not only a terrifying prospect to dwell on, but it’s an even more frightening notion to consider committing against those we love. It’s no wonder that we are so averse to exploring this topic in our everyday lives!
The truth is that life is capricious and unpredictable, and while many of us are under the illusion that avoiding what makes us feel uncomfortable and embarrassed is the solution, we really need to have an open conversation that explores this taboo—and much feared—area of life.
It’s time that we stop ignoring the ominous “elephant in the room,” and start exploring why we feel so ashamed about feeling attracted to other people in loving relationships.
If you feel distressed, depraved, guilty or embarrassed for feeling attracted to others in your loving relationship, don’t allow your conscience to continue withering under the weight of your shame. Keep reading to discover why it is not only OK to feel attracted to others, but why it is normal as well.
Being Attracted to Other People is Not a Crime
Let me share with you something about myself. I am fortunate enough to currently be in a very loving, very satisfying long-term relationship that I never thought was possible to have with another human being. So I was very shocked and very surprised when I began to feel attracted to other people in my life. To my horror I found (and continue to find), that I feel intellectually, emotionally and physically attracted to others in my life completely out of the blue and with no warning whatsoever.
“What the hell is WRONG with me?” I have wondered many times before, “Why do I feel this way? . . . I SHOULDN’T feel this way.” And so ensues the endless hours of self-criticism and merciless put-downs.
Does this sound familiar to you?
If you have made feeling attracted to other people a crime in your life, you will most likely feel dirty, flawed, and irredeemably guilty like I have often felt before. Furthermore, you were probably indoctrinated with the unrealistic, fantasy-land ideal of “True love means that it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to be attracted to others.”
Let me tell you something very simple . . . this is a completely unrealistic, and completely false.
Unless you are demisexual and only feel attracted to those you have created mental or emotional bonds with, you will always feel attracted to other people, EVEN in loving relationships. This is simply the nature of being a sexual being.
For sexual beings, being attracted to others is a normal way of life—whether it is that toned guy with the infectious smile at the Deli, the girl with the big boobs and alluring perfume at work, or the neighbor with the charming personality and hysterical jokes. Feeling attracted to other people does not make you evil, it does not make you a philanderer, and it does not make you guilty of a terrible crime.
But what does count is what you decide to do with these feelings.
How Being Attracted to Others Evolves into Cheating and Lying
It is perfectly normal and perfectly OK to feel attracted to others in loving relationships. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either crippled by insecurity (e.g. “If they feel attracted to ____, they will stop feeling attracted to me and will therefore leave me”), or is deluded by the mistaken belief that “being in love means you can never be attracted to others.”
While it is OK to feel physically, emotionally and/or mentally attracted to others, the real problems start when, out of shame, we begin to hide away these feelings and refuse to acknowledge them both to ourselves and to our partners. We will explore how to acknowledge these feelings to ourselves and our significant others a bit later.
But for now, it’s really important to understand that secrecy is the core root of all “evil” in relationships as it breeds lying and cheating.
When we hide from any uncomfortable truth within ourselves—such as the fact that we feel attracted to others—we breed a type of neuroticism within us that accumulates more and more. The more we shroud our thoughts and feelings in secrecy, the more they weigh down on us and lurk in the corners of our minds. Through time, our repressed feelings and thoughts grow into monster issues that perpetuate our feelings of guilt and dirtiness. We find that we start having sexual dreams about others that we can’t avoid, or we start having uncontrollable lust issues that we don’t know how to put a reign on. Sometimes we even give into our morbid curiosities and start affairs and secret rendezvous as a way of appeasing the morbid curiosity of our Shadow Selves.
. . . and why?
All because we made feeling attracted to others a crime inside of our minds—all because we denied ourselves the right to experience and accept these feelings from the very start.
But don’t beat yourself up. I know what it’s like to feel the insufferable weight of guilt constantly press down on your shoulders, and I know what it’s like to slowly remove the burden of self-inflicted blame from your life. While the lessons that I’ve learned might not be able to solve every problem in your life right now, I do hope they help you to heal that part of you that feels “criminal” inside.
How to “Clear the Air”
First, I want to write a disclaimer. This article is written for, and directed towards, loving relationships that are built on equality and trust. If your relationship is unhealthy, unequal and/or destructive, and if you have other people in the picture (for example, children), it is not always possible to be open to your partner about your feelings of attraction towards another person or people. It is even possible that in some types of relationships (e.g. physically or emotionally abusive ones) being open and “clearing the air” can do more long-term harm than good. It is up to you to determine what kind of relationship you have and whether it would be wise or not to “clear the air.”
However, it is always possible for you to be open with yourself about your feelings of attraction towards others. Sometimes forgiving yourself and giving yourself the permission to feel what you feel is all you need to move on with your life.
It can take a lot to rewire the “you-should-never-feel-attracted-to-others-in-relationships” belief that you have been indoctrinated (usually through religion) to believe for most of your life. So if you are struggling to give yourself the permission you need to move on with your life, try repeating the following affirmations to yourself:
“It is OK to feel attracted to others, but I choose [my partner].”
“I embrace my right to feel attracted to others. This is normal and this is acceptable.”
“Although I feel attracted to this man/woman, I choose [my partner] for a good reason.”
Like me you will find that through constant mental repetition of these affirmations, you will start to embrace the inevitability of feeling attracted to others, and you will let go of the guilt associated with these feelings. Remember, you chose to be with your partner for a very good reason, and it is important to remind yourself of that.
If you discover that you are still struggling to release the guilt you feel after repeating these affirmations to yourself many times, you are probably suffering from cognitive dissonance; or the state of having two conflicting feelings and beliefs, where one side of you wants to forgive yourself, and the other wants to continue holding yourself guilty. In this case, your word alone (at first) might not be enough to convince you that you are not at fault.
So let me give you mine:
I give YOU the permission to see that it is perfectly OK to feel physically, emotionally and/or mentally attracted to another person in a loving relationship.
Take this to heart.
Letting Your Partner Know
Did I just sense an impending feeling of doom well up within you? This is normal, don’t worry!
Letting your partner know that you find others attractive doesn’t have to be as hard or as apocalyptic as you make it out to be. It can be as simple as, “That guy has a cute face, he reminds me of Orlando Bloom,” or “There’s this woman at work, she has these massive D-cups that she’s always showing off,” or “I love that guy’s smile, don’t you?” There are an infinite number of subtle ways to indicate that you find someone else attractive. You don’t necessarily need to come out and bluntly say, “Geez, that guy/girl has such a HOT BODY,” or “Wow, that woman intoxicates me with her tantalizing personality and ssssssashaying hips” to our romantic partners, but it is necessary to acknowledge your attraction in some way, shape, or form so as to not continue repressing it.
Also, remember that feeling attracted to others is a two-way street. If your partner extends the courtesy of being understanding and good-natured towards you, be mindful of returning the same favor to them. Our insecurities can make us jealous, obsessive and over-reactive, so be aware of how you respond to your partner. In other words, treat them how you would like to be treated: with open-mindedness and acceptance.
Remember, the more comfortable and accepted they feel, the more likely they will feel safe enough to openly share with you how they feel in the future.
***
I have learned a very valuable lesson in my own life which I hope you can bring into yours, which is to build a faithful, stable and loving relationship you need to be open about your attraction to others. Cheating, lying, and infidelity are almost always driven by the pent-up temptation of exploring the forbidden and the taboo, but when you give yourself the permission to feel attracted to others there is no need to hide away anything.
By learning to accept that feeling attracted to others is a normal element of being a sexual being you nip in the bud issues such as guilt, secrecy, and unfaithfulness, reinforcing a strong foundation of trust and openness in your relationship.
What have your experiences been with this taboo topic?
Thank you for this article.
I live constantly on edge, constant attraction and lust for other woman. It drives me mad.
I really wish i felt like that towards my partner. Im so lost in lust that it blinds me to her beauty. She becomes ugly in my eyes. I blaime her for my feelings of guilt around all of this. It makes me angry. I have premature ejaculation issues when having sex with her. My mind screems out wanting someone i am attracted to. I hate myself for this and consider leaving. She loves me and i love her.
I was never very attracted physically right from the start. I want to tell myself that this is ok. I have good reasons for being with her. Do i? Do i? My reasons are simply that she seemed interesting and seemed interested. Is that lame? Can i foregive myself for wanting other woman even from the start. I hate myself. I didnt feel this way with a previous girl but that was only a fling.
I find love hard and i do blaime myself for that. I guess that makes me human. But still a bad one
It’s not bad to feel attracted to others James. It would be good however to reflect on your relationship. There is no rule that says we have to be physically attracted to our romantic partners – sometimes the connection is a heart, mind or soul connection. But sometimes physical attraction is one of our needs or priorities, and that’s fine. Perhaps try exploring on a piece of paper or document the pros and cons of your relationship. What do you love and not love about your relationship? This should help clear up your thoughts and feelings.
Thanks. I guess physical attraction is a need for me that i feel guilty for needing – seems so shallow. But of course is reasonable enough. I guess i find it tricky because theres not much my partner can do about this, so is quite a selfish need – its either there or its not. Ive been trying to rewire my brain to become attracted. And this has worked to some degree, on a deeper level my mind cant let go of noticing others where i have an easy attraction towards. Its a massive burdan that i carry.
It might be that the relationship is not right for me. But im not ready or strong enough to be that clear cut. My partner is about to give birth to our child. I wish i had resolved these feelings in me earlier. I am going to continue to support my partner 100%.
Overall i want to foregive myself. And i want to love her for who she is.
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Hello. First of all reading this really calmed my nerves so thank you very much.
The issue is that in my case I do not feel sexual attraction for this other person, it’s more like “I want to hold her hand and cuddle in cold nights with her” or “we would be awesome catmoms together” (lol) maybe the only “sexual” thing I would do with her is kiss her but nothing else, nonetheless I feel extremly guilty about this. I feel bad just looking at my bf in the eyes, I haven’t done anything but I feel like I’m cheating on him or something like that. She is my best friend so I don’t want to stay away from her, I really don’t know how to deal with this guilt.
I would be fine with my long term boyfriend telling me so and so is attractive, pretty, etc IF she bothered to tell me he’s attracted to me once I a while too. He just thinks that bc he’s here in bed every night I should know I’m pretty. It makes no sense to me. I’ve slept next to men I haven’t had sexual encounters with so that isn’t a way for me to “know” I’m pretty, sexy, etc. He’s more than welcome to tell me about the pretty women so long as he isn’t finding them on porn and then taking care of himself and leaving me sexless for 6+ mo at a time claiming he just isn’t a sexual person. He’s lazy lol I think my weight bothers me so much that if he told me about some other hot ladies I’d find they were all body types opposite of mine and that would make it hard for me. In a relationship where I was secure and felt better about myself my partner and I told each other about sexy men/women we met/saw and it spiced up our sex life some. It was hot!
This does not sound like true love. Before I fell in love I used to think like how you say here. ‘Yeah it’s normal’. I had many crushes. I would be worried sometimes whether I can commit myself to someone. Then I met my boyfriend. After a long time I fell truly in love with him. After sometime I realized that I didn’t myself attracted to other guys anymore. I couldn’t even find any other human on the planet cuter than him. Not because I thought “this is how love is supposed to feel”, trust me. It’s just how I felt. And it’s amazing
But. Is monogamy our natural way of being? Or is it due to our social conditioning? I awakened a few months back and realize how absurd this is. Unfortunately, I live in a fairly conservative country where open marriages are not tolerated. How do I deal with this? I feel trapped lmao.
Commitment and unfaithfulness.
people will become unfaithful if they are not satisfied with the relationship they have. People will start to seek attention and joice through others which it can lead to cheating. Some known factors that allure people to become unfaithful is that they find someone who is attractive or can give them comfort and sexual satisfaction.
attraction to other people with motives while in a relationship is a dangerous feeling that can contradict your conscience and intentions.
the effect of this is that it results in undefined decisions whether to choose to stop or to continue the activity until your romantic connection to your existing partner vanishes.
My opinion.
it is normal in a relationship to be attracted to other people aside from the one you are being with, but because of multiple attractions, some people become confused about if they are being loyal to their partners. And this can be the reason why some relationships fail. They were confused on what they really feel towards their partners because they are attracted to more than one. Although, some instances that a simple admiration can easily be wiped out, in serious relationships like people who are married, it can lead to cheating.
I’ve been in a relationship with the most beautiful sexy woman I’ve ever met in my life, who just so happens to be Dominican. I am in the army and currently stationed in Hawaii, in which I came here on my own with out my wife and kids because of some other issues. But while here in Hawaii I met this new soldier who is a female and who is attractive. We spoke on a couple of occasions and each conversation was about what both of us was going through personally. We never flirted with each other and to be honest I wouldn’t even let it go that far, even though I did find her attractive. So, I took leave from my duty station in Hawaii to go back to the mainland and visit with my wife and kids. During my visit she tells me that she hacked my phone and so the text I sent to my friend about the attractive female that I met. In the text I told him that I met this woman who is attractive and that I need to stay away from her do I don’t get in trouble! Well needless to say my wife so the text cause she hacked my phone and blew the whole thing out of proportion! My said that I like the woman and that I probably cheated on her! I explained to her that I never cheated on her and that I only thought that the woman was attractive. I told my wife, what she saw meant absolutely nothing and that I wasn’t going to do anything…I only thought that she was a pretty woman. I try to tell my wife that there is both wrong with finding someone else attractive and if you do that doesn’t mean that you want that specific person or that you will have an affair! Now she thinks I’m just this awful person and I’m just like the rest of the men out her who cheat….I very much love my wife and I would never cheat on her, but I am also human and find other women out there attractive!
I like the overall idea of accepting our feelings so that they do not rule us. ignoring powerful emotions really does only give them more power and creates a destructive force in our lives.
Adding “but I choose my partner” was the key to the affirmations, and it is brilliant, Aletheia.
But, even in strong relationships, making physical comparisons of your loved one, or comment on another person’s great looks, generally sounds like “I wish you were like that” and not just a “wow, that’s nice”.
we are all bombarded daily with messages about how we are not enough. We don’t need our partners to add to it. They should be the place we have where we don’t have to feel like we are in competition.
As long as both people acknowledge that attraction happens, and don’t punish for a look or returned smile, there is no need to verbalize it.
I totally disagree with your topic it is terrible…the average person is NOT reading books.counseling.ad infinitum..re relationships..you say tell when u feel an attraction to others?..good grief..are you real?.why dont u just tell all go n have open relationships..humans will always feel something for another..its called human nature…but to make something of it by telling ur significant other…and a whole topic on it???…I am appalled you have done that..why would you? to assuage ur conscience?…puleeze…give me a break…it doesn’t work that way..and I understand now why people do what they do wrong…so many supposed ‘knowing’ persons like u all..out there fueling the flames…u are in a relationship..good..you ‘like’ another?…here is how it goes…”I am not sure I can stay in this..not you me and I don’t want to hurt u by just leaving..I feel I am mentally n emotionally unstable and I don’t know what to do..I find myself unhappy with myself…etc”…no it is NOT ok to tell what you said..that is horrible…it works or it doesn’t..you take them back or you dont….it is called LIFE…men stray mentally or emotionally…a fact of life…women’s lib started this whole thing…why marriages and relationships dont last…open marriages are the downfall..what happened to Mystery..about each other…no..you are so wrong I am unhappy with your site and prior was extremely happy n supportive..you all like everyone else..fell into the crack…where its ok as long as..what did u think was going to happen to all those who ‘dont get it’ what you said…best to keep these thoughts to yourself..we have enough to deal with in our crazy relationship world without you all throwing in this ‘bad’…come on..REALLY?
Thank you for this! I recently found out my girlfriend was still attracted to this guy she tried to talk to while we were broken up, the bad part is this guy goes to the same place as us country dancing and it sucked to see that…She told me it was just girl talk and that she wanted to be with me 100% she hasnt contacted him or thought about getting with him…that explanation didnt make me feel better but reading this and understanding its normal to feel attraction towards others is ok…I too am guilty of it but I guess I felt let down because I know about this attraction and she hasnt or doesnt know about my past attractions…I know I have to believe in here when she says she loves me and wants to be with me and this article made me feel better!
Thank You
I completely disagree with this for my personal life. Over a few relationships, I have began to keep my focus in on the partner that I made a commitment to a lot more and as a result, I don’t feel attraction to others while in a healthy and respectful relationship. Maybe other than aesthetically if I see a style that I like and would want to wear myself. I feel that being attracted, means you desire having the person you are attracted to in your life (under the proper circumstances, if you were single and looking…etc) and when you make that commitment to someone, it seems much more respectful and trustworthy to understand that you are to focus on that person romantically, sexually and emotionally as with typical relationships, the goal is to get married, have a family and home and stay together. So as long as the relationship is focused on being monogamous, I see nothing wrong with working on losing attraction to random strangers. I find that it can help you become less shallow and actually look past the outside of someone and find yourself much more concerned with their character rather than their looks. Not everyone, if anyone at all, should be judged by their outward appearance and feeling so, only perpetuates these awful beauty standards set for our young impressionable boys and girls. Many people these days only find attractive what they were conditioned to feel and I find many less people actually listen to their heart and look a little past the small flaws. Much more people would feel great about themselves and more accepting of others if we as a species, tried much harder to judge people less on their outward appearance immediately. Anyways, personally I feel much better about myself and my relationships now that I do not find others attractive if I don’t feel the need to. I feel like I am being much more faithful to my partner by not only being faithful to them in heart and body but also in mind and soul and know that my thoughts do not stray from our extremely special connection. Unfortunately I have not come to find someone who feels similarly back, but I understand my circumstance is extremely rare and also very similar to demisexual but more actively chosen.
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