Infidelity, cheating and affairs . . . these are topics that we tiptoe around discussing when we’re in relationships. The prospect of being lied to and cheated on by our significant others is not only a terrifying prospect to dwell on, but it’s an even more frightening notion to consider committing against those we love. It’s no wonder that we are so averse to exploring this topic in our everyday lives!
The truth is that life is capricious and unpredictable, and while many of us are under the illusion that avoiding what makes us feel uncomfortable and embarrassed is the solution, we really need to have an open conversation that explores this taboo—and much feared—area of life.
It’s time that we stop ignoring the ominous “elephant in the room,” and start exploring why we feel so ashamed about feeling attracted to other people in loving relationships.
If you feel distressed, depraved, guilty or embarrassed for feeling attracted to others in your loving relationship, don’t allow your conscience to continue withering under the weight of your shame. Keep reading to discover why it is not only OK to feel attracted to others, but why it is normal as well.
Being Attracted to Other People is Not a Crime
Let me share with you something about myself. I am fortunate enough to currently be in a very loving, very satisfying long-term relationship that I never thought was possible to have with another human being. So I was very shocked and very surprised when I began to feel attracted to other people in my life. To my horror I found (and continue to find), that I feel intellectually, emotionally and physically attracted to others in my life completely out of the blue and with no warning whatsoever.
“What the hell is WRONG with me?” I have wondered many times before, “Why do I feel this way? . . . I SHOULDN’T feel this way.” And so ensues the endless hours of self-criticism and merciless put-downs.
Does this sound familiar to you?
If you have made feeling attracted to other people a crime in your life, you will most likely feel dirty, flawed, and irredeemably guilty like I have often felt before. Furthermore, you were probably indoctrinated with the unrealistic, fantasy-land ideal of “True love means that it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to be attracted to others.”
Let me tell you something very simple . . . this is a completely unrealistic, and completely false.
Unless you are demisexual and only feel attracted to those you have created mental or emotional bonds with, you will always feel attracted to other people, EVEN in loving relationships. This is simply the nature of being a sexual being.
For sexual beings, being attracted to others is a normal way of life—whether it is that toned guy with the infectious smile at the Deli, the girl with the big boobs and alluring perfume at work, or the neighbor with the charming personality and hysterical jokes. Feeling attracted to other people does not make you evil, it does not make you a philanderer, and it does not make you guilty of a terrible crime.
But what does count is what you decide to do with these feelings.
How Being Attracted to Others Evolves into Cheating and Lying
It is perfectly normal and perfectly OK to feel attracted to others in loving relationships. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either crippled by insecurity (e.g. “If they feel attracted to ____, they will stop feeling attracted to me and will therefore leave me”), or is deluded by the mistaken belief that “being in love means you can never be attracted to others.”
While it is OK to feel physically, emotionally and/or mentally attracted to others, the real problems start when, out of shame, we begin to hide away these feelings and refuse to acknowledge them both to ourselves and to our partners. We will explore how to acknowledge these feelings to ourselves and our significant others a bit later.
But for now it’s really important to understand that secrecy is the core root of all “evil” in relationships as it breeds lying and cheating.
When we hide from any uncomfortable truth within ourselves—such as the fact that we feel attracted to others—we breed a type of neuroticism within us that accumulates more and more. The more we shroud our thoughts and feelings in secrecy, the more they weigh down on us and lurk in the corners of our minds. Through time, our repressed feelings and thoughts grow into monster issues that perpetuate our feelings of guilt and dirtiness. We find that we start having sexual dreams about others that we can’t avoid, or we start having uncontrollable lust issues that we don’t know how to put a reign on. Sometimes we even give into our morbid curiosities and start affairs and secret rendezvous as a way of appeasing the morbid curiosity of our Shadow Selves.
. . . and why?
All because we made feeling attracted to others a crime inside of our minds—all because we denied ourselves the right to experience and accept these feelings from the very start.
But don’t beat yourself up. I know what it’s like to feel the insufferable weight of guilt constantly press down on your shoulders, and I know what it’s like to slowly remove the burden of self-inflicted blame from your life. While the lessons that I’ve learned might not be able to solve every problem in your life right now, I do hope they help you to heal that part of you that feels “criminal” inside.
How to “Clear the Air”
First, I want to write a disclaimer. This article is written for, and directed towards, loving relationships that are built on equality and trust. If your relationship is unhealthy, unequal and/or destructive, and if you have other people in the picture (for example, children), it is not always possible to be open to your partner about your feelings of attraction towards another person or people. It is even possible that in some types of relationships (e.g. physically or emotionally abusive ones) being open and “clearing the air” can do more long-term harm than good. It is up to you to determine what kind of relationship you have and whether it would be wise or not to “clear the air.”
However, it is always possible for you to be open with yourself about your feelings of attraction towards others. Sometimes forgiving yourself and giving yourself the permission to feel what you feel is all you need to move on with your life.
It can take a lot to rewire the “you-should-never-feel-attracted-to-others-in-relationships” belief that you have been indoctrinated (usually through religion) to believe for most of your life. So if you are struggling to give yourself the permission you need to move on with your life, try repeating the following affirmations to yourself:
“It is OK to feel attracted to others, but I choose [my partner].”
“I embrace my right to feel attracted to others. This is normal and this is acceptable.”
“Although I feel attracted to this man/woman, I choose [my partner] for a good reason.”
Like me you will find that through constant mental repetition of these affirmations, you will start to embrace the inevitability of feeling attracted to others, and you will let go of the guilt associated with these feelings. Remember, you chose to be with your partner for a very good reason, and it is important to remind yourself of that.
If you discover that you are still struggling to release the guilt you feel after repeating these affirmations to yourself many times, you are probably suffering from cognitive dissonance; or the state of having two conflicting feelings and beliefs, where one side of you wants to forgive yourself, and the other wants to continue holding yourself guilty. In this case, your word alone (at first) might not be enough to convince you that you are not at fault.
So let me give you mine:
I give YOU the permission to see that it is perfectly OK to feel physically, emotionally and/or mentally attracted to another person in a loving relationship.
Take this to heart.
Letting Your Partner Know
Did I just sense an impending feeling of doom well up within you? This is normal, don’t worry!
Letting your partner know that you find others attractive doesn’t have to be as hard or as apocalyptic as you make it out to be. It can be as simple as, “That guy has a cute face, he reminds me of Orlando Bloom,” or “There’s this woman at work, she has these massive D-cups that she’s always showing off,” or “I love that guy’s smile, don’t you?” There are an infinite number of subtle ways to indicate that you find someone else attractive. You don’t necessarily need to come out and bluntly say, “Geez, that guy/girl has such a HOT BODY,” or “Wow, that woman intoxicates me with her tantalizing personality and ssssssashaying hips” to our romantic partners, but it is necessary to acknowledge your attraction in some way, shape, or form so as to not continue repressing it.
Also, remember that feeling attracted to others is a two way street. If your partner extends the courtesy of being understanding and good-natured towards you, be mindful of returning the same favor to them. Our insecurities can make us jealous, obsessive and over-reactive, so be aware of how you respond to your partner. In other words, treat them how you would like to be treated: with open-mindedness and acceptance.
Remember, the more comfortable and accepted they feel, the more likely they will feel safe enough to openly share with you how they feel in the future.
***
Old Souls: Mystics and Sages eBook:
Are you solitary, thoughtful, and intuitive? Have you always felt like an outsider on this planet? If so, you may be an Old Soul – and you're not alone. Discover more about your rare gifts!
I have learned a very valuable lesson in my own life which I hope you can bring into yours, which is to build a faithful, stable and loving relationship you need to be open about your attraction to others. Cheating, lying, and infidelity is almost always driven by the pent up temptation of exploring the forbidden and the taboo, but when you give yourself the permission to feel attracted to others there is no need to hide away anything.
By learning to accept that feeling attracted to others is a normal element of being a sexual being you nip in the bud issues such as guilt, secrecy, and unfaithfulness, reinforcing a strong foundation of trust and openness in your relationship.
What have your experiences been with this taboo topic?
I have never felt like finding someone attractive to be a crime. I just don’t want to feel it nor my spouse. I want the fantasy relationship. I don’t want to feel my husbands attraction for others. It undermines my feelings for him. I don’t love him as much. Too many feelings for others and I don’t think I can stay in the relationship. It hurts so fucking bad. It does not matter if it is a fact of life. This fact of life is putting me into a turnoiled grieving state. It seems we can’t have relationships except polygamous ones where partners flow in and out. Some partners we just admire, others, we go all the way or somewhere in between. Marriage is a crock. I don’t think it is about giving ourselves permission to find others attractive. We already do. We can’t give permission for what already exists. Instead I think it is a grieving of the loss of true love. The final state of grieving is acceptance. Once there, we go on our merry way going in and out of relationships of the varying levels of distant admiration to full on sexual relationships, that is, if we can recover from the grief which will not be me. My heart hurts too much.j
Hi Amanda,
we seem to be sisters in our thoughts and feelings. Im a very loyal person I guess, and in a lot of ways do not fit into this thread, although I am ok with other people doing their own thing and interpreting a relationship as they may. I can never make sense of it, though in my own mind. I just feel like women get stepped on and are expected to look perfect all the time and just wear a big stupid smile while their man stares at the waitress’ ass when they are paying for his dinner. I guess my “cool chick” facade fades away. Im just trying to say — I know how you feel and for me it will never change.
I completely disagree. I feel that when you’re in a relationship you should be entirely focused on them, only attracted to them. I’m not saying don’t look at people and shut your eyes while you walk down the street, I’m saying you shouldn’t look at other people the way you should be looking at your partner. You shouldn’t care to look at other people, it is wrong and makes me feel sick to my stomach. If you’re attracted to somebody else and feel like they’re sexy, maybe even get horny over them that is cheating to me straight up. If you are in a relationship just look at your partner and find only them attractive, there’s two people in a relationship and you should be committed, respectful and faithful to them.
I’m happy I came accross this article. I’m aware I have my insecurities, and finding out that my boyfriend bumped into his ex earlier in the week, then he brought it up to his friends for the next two days, it made me feel uneasy. I understand he’s going to find females attractive but was it so necessary to continue talking about how “bad ass she still looked”?? Yes he didn’t cheat, he didn’t keep in communication with her. I’m not sure how to feel and what I do feel is wrong?
No surprise this article attracts people who are cheating, considering cheating or being cheated upon.
I love the article and 100% agree with it. The older I get and the longer in married.
I’ve been with my husband for 9 years. Never had a problem being attracted to others and usually went with the flow.
Last year i was attracted to my husband’s friend who lives in another state. I had one sexual fantasy about him and after that i started getting panic attacks.
I usually sexual fantasies about celebs or strangers, but never friends or anyone that close.
One weekend we were partying and his Friend lost 10 pounds and he looked super hot, to be honest. He is also very charming and funny as hell. l instantly felt butterflies, a teen like crush (giggles and all). I had a few days crush and then it ask went south.
I was very confused about feeling this way for two people. For the first time ever.
I’ve told my husband about being attracted to another person (not his friend). I would feel horrible telling him I find his friend attractive.
I’ve always had crushes on others, but I guess this one rocked my boat because it hit very close to home and I felt an artistic connection.
I still struggle with this and can agree repressing these feelings makes its only worse. Then even being attracted to a random stranger on the street would freak me out.
Is there a healthy way to talk to my husband about my attraction to his friend in a healthy way? I want to emotionally bond with him, but don’t want to make him feel insecure or hurt him.
I have no intention to be with his friend or others.
I feel stupid to tell my husband, boy did XY get more attractive when he lost so much weight.
We never really spoke to each other about our crushes. I want to open my relationship to a higher level of trust.
I don’t want feel doubt or shame or guilt over sexual attractions.
Any books to read? Something else to read?
Don’t tell your husband this unless you don’t want him to be your husband!
HELLO to my friends out there i am testifying about the good work of a man who helped me. It has been hell from the day my husband left me, i am a woman with two kids, my problem started when the father of my kids traveled and after then i did not set my eyes on him again i tried calling his phone but he was not picking up my call after some weeks he called me telling me that he has found love some where else, at first i never knew he took it to be serious but the day after he came to the house to pick up his things that was the time i noticed that things are not the same as it used to be and i kept having hope that he will come back but things were going bad day by day and i needed to talk to someone about it so i went to his friend but there was no hope so i gave up on him, a month later i met a man on the the internet a spell caster i never believed in this but i needed my man back so i told the spell caster my problem at first and he assured me that i will get him back but i had to do what he told me to do and after three days my husband called me telling me that he his coming home i still do not believe but as at the sixth day the father to my kids came to the house asking me to forgive him, from that day i was happy with my family thanks to the Olokun priest of (abamieghe)Olokun priest he his a great man you need to try him you can as well tell him your problems so that he can be of help to you his contact email is this olokunpriest@gmail.com indeed you are a priest thank you for making my home a happy home again. remember his email is olokunpriest@gmail.com, and you can visit his website on http://www.olokunpriestspelltemple.webs.com
After reading this I felt convinced I should tell my boyfriend I’m attracted to one of his best friends. My boyfriend reacted really well, though he was a bit hurt he understood and just asked me not to act on it. But in another conversation with him another day it was also obvious that he doesn’t see the small body language signals I pick up which indicate to me his friend, perhaps subconsciously, is also attracted to me (no big surprise, this guy is a bit of a playboy to say the least).
Yesterday I happened to visit my boyfriend and had a tea-break with all his friends, including this one friend. But afterwards my boyfriend also invited him to join just the 2 of us go to the travel agent with us. I find myself getting annoyed/angry with my boyfriend; I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t think he fully realises how awkward it is for me, or because I’m somehow blaming him for the fact that I find his friend attractive, like ‘if only he told funny stories like the friend I wouldn’t have to deal with this’. Or maybe I’m just upset that far from lessening my feelings of attraction they’re just increasing every time I see this friend. But I can’t avoid seeing him unless I stop ever hanging out with his friends socially. Plus I’m also sort of attracted to one of his girl friends. I wonder if maybe I’m just not ready for commitment- maybe I still want to be the player I was before my relationship.
So, telling your boyfriend didn’t release your sexual friends and make you feel less shame and closer to your boyfriend? Strange..I thought honesty is supposed to work, according to this author.
This was good for me to read today, however i definitely think i will need to repeat those things to myself over and OVER again…
In 3 months i am marrying the man of my DREAMS! Literally I asked or him and met him about 3 months later. I am hopelessly in love with him, and when im out and about i find some people that are attractive, as does he. Which is totally okay, and normal.
HOWEVER, there is this one man in my life whom i dated 3 times.. yes.. 3 times. We just kept coming back to eachother in different times and places, and of course it wasn’t what i wanted in a husband and father of my children, but there was SOMETHING that kept bringing me back.. right!? And we can go YEARS without talking and pick up a conversation as if we talked yesterday. He was aways SUCH a romantic person. Like, rose petals on the bed, candles and a warm bath when you get home from work. etc.. Which is SO the opposite of my husband. My Husband is a Family man.. but hes a work to the bone to support us kind of man too. He grew up with 2 brothers and NO girls in the house, so hes a jokester, and lacks all sense of romanticism. I mean, he shows it in his own way, but i have always been such a hopeless romantic and dreamed of a man that showed me his love in those great gestures, which i know my husband will never do. Oy, im having trouble getting this out the way i want to. I know im rambling.
Anyways, in general i know that my husband is everything i wanted in a husband and i would choose him over and over again, but my ex kind of just pops in and reminds me of what my husband cant give me. (Yes, ive talked to the hubs about my need for romance and active love gestures, he just CANT do it. not without a verbal prompt, and at that point, it seems pointless) I would never want this ex as a husband, for his lifestyle is so different and our relationship was so poisonous in so many ways, but i cant help but to feel INSANELY attracted to him when we do talk. He just pops in like a poisonous insect and makes me doubt everything. SO my guilt comes from me having dated this man before, and not that it makes me question my choices in a husband, but it of course makes me think of the what ifs.. which makes me feel like a horrible wife. (it doesnt help at all that the ex has a smoking hot military body)
Long story short, my husband is perfect in ALMOST every way. My ex is horrible in almost every way. But that romance and love that i lack, i get from him, and when i talk to him i feel absolutely horrible…. UGH help :{
What do you think your husband will do if you tell him this? I wouldn’t marry you!
Hello to my friends out there i am testifying about the good work of a man who help me it has been hell from the day my husband left me i am a woman with four kids my problem stated when the father of my kids travel i never know he was living but as at three months i did not set my eye on my husband i try calling but he was not taken my call some weeks later he call me telling me that he has found love some where easy at first i never took it to be serious but day after he came to the house to pick his things that was the time i notice that things is going bad i hope he will come back but things was going bad day by day i needed to talk to someone about it so i went to his friend but there was no help so i give it up on him months later i met on the the INTERNET a testimony about spell caster call Dr mojo and i never believe on this but i needed my man back so i gave the spell caster Dr mojo my problem at first i never trusted him so i was just doing it for doing sake but after two days my husband called me telling me that he s coming home i still do not believe but as at the third day the father to my kids came to the house asking me to forgive him the spell work i said to my self from that day i was happy with my family thanks to Dr Mojo at solutioncentre1960@gmail.com he is a great man you need to try him you can as well tell him your problem so that he can be of help to you his contact email is this :solutioncentre1960@gmail.com /website:drmojosolutioncentre.com.
call&wasup:0027797427509. indeed you are a priest thank you for making my home a happy home again. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS
I’m so glad I ran into your post. I have been in long distance relationship with my fiance for almost a year. While we’re both had a loving a caring relationship before starting our LDR, we’ve had our ups and downs and struggles. Towards the end of our LDR and when we went through a very stressful time apart, we both started spending time with friends from the opposite sex and we were open about it and what we do with our time with other people. I had a friend who found me attractive and we kept hanging out, but that happened after I made sure I set lines that I am not doing anything that would endanger my relationship with my partner. On the other hand and at the same time, my partner got attracted to this new girl that he made friends with. He was open from the start that he found her intellectually stimulating and that they have a lot in common. Then he started giving me heads up that he will be spending more time in the upcoming period (a period which I’ll be busy with my work) with this group of new friends among whom is this new girl. I started feeling worried and burdened with jealousy and I asked him upfront is he’s attracted to anyone emotionally and he defensively denied that there would be anyone who could fill in my shoes and that I need to trust him more as much as he trusts me. We forgot about the whole thing for a week or so and then he comes up after a while telling me “you were right about your concerns with me being extra friendly with this new girl, you were right that my attitude could be interpreted differently and it happened.” I asked what happened he confessed that after a long outing and dinner they had together they kissed and he “stopped it” before it escalated into a make-out session. He came and told me about the incident after two days citing reasons about how shitty he feels and how scared he was to hide it more or that I know about it from the girl whom he thinks is unstable and could actually tell other people about their encounter (at least this is how he’s explaining to me the reason why he’s has her on his online social networks such FB and so). I feel cheated on and betrayed by my partner of two years. It is a serious commitment for me and I thought we were honest and open about everything in our relationship. He disappointed me and I feel I wanna walk out of this relationship because I can never trust him again and that I will always live in doubt with him and about his opposite sex relationship. Is there a way to fix this? or will I be opening myself to more heartache in the future if such incident is telling of wider pattern in his character. He is originally a flirtatious person with more relationships and friendships with the opposite sex than me. I normally set limits for my friendship with the opposite sex, but he is more open in that sense than me. I do not even know if I asked for stricter limits will it work or will it even be doable. I don’t want to turn into a woman who constantly polices her partner. Help please @AletheiaLuna:disqus
@AletheiaLuna:disqus
So, your boyfriend being open and honest didn’t release his sexual friends and make him feel less shame and closer to you? Strange..I thought honesty is supposed to work, according to this author, and now you’re asking her for advice?
The only sad thing with that is Many women nowadays are attracted to other women too. Go figure.
OMG! This is exactly what I needed to read right now. I recently met someone who has gone through an extreme loss and I am an empath. His grandson who was a week away from turning one years old was murdered by his daughter’s boyfriend. The mother and her boyfriend were on drugs. The Grandpa, the man that I recently met, I’ve become quite fond of. We really understand each other and can relate on many levels. And he tells me how much I mean to him when I was there for him when he needed someone the most.
There was an instant connection the day we met. We literally walked up to each other with open arms and hugged in silence and everybody stared at us and we had never met before that day. I had seen him in the papers and heard his story on the internet and on television and that is all I have ever known of him. So you can imagine how crazy it was when we both locked eyes and open arms and stood there for about 5 minutes holding each other not saying a word.
Anyway he has expressed sexual innuendos towards me and I’m not going to lie I really like the attention. Plus he is a very attractive man has an amazing job and he is very attentive, understanding, patient, good looking, well educated, and all of the above. However I am married and have been for the last two years. We have been going together for seven years total. Recently getting through some real major rockiness in our marriage and almost we we’re divorced. We have a 6 year old with special needs and a seventeen-year-old who was expirementing with drugs. The 17-year old is my son and my husband adopted him 5 years ago before we were even married.
We literally never fight until the battle of finding out that our child has special needs. The really frustrating part about the whole thing is the fact that I knew the whole time and tried to tell him and he was in complete denial thinking that his child was perfect. I know how hard it is especially for a man to accept when the one and only birth child you have is not perfect but in my eyes he is amazing. My 6 year old is the most empathic most intuitive intelligent Brave chaotic and loving child you’ll ever meet and not to mention I do believe he may be psychic. he has spoken to my dead mother on many occasions but anyway I’m getting off track here. I’m trying to say is that my marriage has been struggling for 2 years now basically since we got married and since meeting this guy I have often found myself thinking about him and wanting to have an affair. I’m not going to, and I don’t want to act on it. so after reading this article it has helped me tremendously. so thank you and I look forward to reading more. By the way the man im kissing in my picture is my husband that I love more than anything and I have never cheated on him ever before nor have I cheated in the past. I just wanted to make that clear.
That’s a really sweet picture of both of you! :)
I’m glad this article could help. The important thing is to acknowledge the feelings you have with honesty. This will prevent them from being buried down into your subconscious, and left to fester and slowly build up. Sometimes feeling attracted to others can be a form of escapism from our dramatic lives. Sometimes, we tend to think that another man/woman holds the key to our freedom (because at first they appear much less complicated). But all relationships become complicated and bumpy eventually.
Best wishes. ;)
Thank you
You are addressing “sin” instead of “crime”. It requires actions to make a crime. It is normal to be attracted to and appreciate different characters we encounter. But using sex as an excuse for “spirituality” is irresponsible and will devastate your relationships. The crime is driven by hormones and ID.
very thanks
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, and am so so happy with him! Although I do find myself to be emotionally and physically attracted to others, I know that I want to be with him and devote myself to him. We are currently in a long distance relationship, and it’s been going well until I started questioning whether I felt attracted to one of my friends… who is a girl. I consider myself heterosexual, but I still feel uncomfortable around her as if I’m being unfaithful. And I didn’t think she felt that way about women until recently when she would say or do things very subtly. I never thought about her in a romantic way until I started sensing some subtle flirtation from her. I thought, “Is she flirting with me?” and ever since then I felt uncomfortable being near her and started feeling extremely guilty that I was hurting my relationship with my boyfriend. It’s very scary because he is so far away from me and she is my neighbor. If I do think about being with her sexually, I get kind of grossed out (I’m not saying it’s wrong to feel attracted to other women, but this is just how I feel). I think I may be emotionally attracted to her, but even then I don’t know because I don’t want to be around her. I cry a lot because even though I love my boyfriend immensely I still feel uncomfortable with this girl (unfortunately I see her a lot due to classes.) I don’t think I’m attracted to her, but I still feel guilty. After reading your article, I do feel better, but is there something wrong with me? I kind of brought it up to my boyfriend that I feel uncomfortable around her and that I might feel emotionally attracted to her and he told me if it is romantic I shouldn’t feel guilty and that he would understand if I wanted to break up and it BROKE MY HEART. Thinking about leaving him for any reason just hurts to think about. So, I know that I love my boyfriend, but what do I do about feeling uncomfortable around this girl?
Hi, thank you so much for posting this. But what do I do if I go out without my boyfriend (with him knowing) and flirt around with the other guy I like? I sometimes wish he’d kiss me or make a move. Also I think maybe this excitement is filling in the gap of my relationship. I’ve talked to my bf about what I think is missing in our relationship but things don’t seem to be changing for months! I know this new guy is just a fling and mutual attraction and I want to be with my bf. I also haven’t told the other guy I’m in a relationship. I’m so confused. Please help :(
Aren’t you cheating and being completely unfair to the guy you’re flirting with? What is wrong with you people? This post just gives immoral people the permission to justify their hurtful behavior.
I was very surprised to see this was written by a woman. I think we both know which gender those slights about being “crippled by insecurity” were aimed at…
Okay. In a perfect world, yes, we would all be open about everything with our partners, and it would be perfectly normal and acceptable behavior to point out every pair of broad shoulders or huge boobs we see on the street. But we don’t. In fact, we live in a world where (overwhelmingly female) insecurity is systematically exploited and monetized. The pressure on women to be beautiful, and not just beautiful, the MOST beautiful, is ever-present, and a huge source of pain for many, many women. Don’t act like it’s an even playing field. 90% of plastic surgery customers are women. There is no male equivalent to Hooters or other “breastaurants” (at least not anywhere near their level of popularity). The eating disorder statistics for women are absolutely brutal. I don’t need to rehash this stuff– it’s easily available online and there is an unfortunately large amount of research to back up what I’m saying. Point is, female insecurity is a multibillion dollar industry. I should know, as even being aware of all this, I myself have succumbed to the pressure to get a nose job.
I think your characterization of any relationship where it wouldn’t be acceptable to talk about how hot other people are as abusive (or manipulative, or what have you) is fallacious. Unless you and your have some polyamorous deal going on, it is rightfully viewed as disrespectful to ogle or comment on other peoples’ appearances in front of your partner. This is completely separate from being willing to acknowledge it internally (which is perfectly fine advice).
Insecurity was bred into our society through an onslaught of messages, images, and ideologies which have accumulated over thousands of years. The reason I said I was surprised this was written by a woman is because I’ve seen the “men are biologically programmed to sow their seed; that’s why they ogle other women while they’re with their partners!” trotted out countless times by men. It’s an excuse, and a rationalization. Yes, that may be true, but men were also biologically programmed to ensure that their children thrive, and their best shot at this is staying with one woman and providing for and protecting her and their children. Not having dozens of kids with different women and hoping some of them can find a few crumbs and maybe a cave to squat in. Since you seem on the more “enlightened” side of the spectrum, I will recommend to you The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf if you want to truly understand the harm that male-pandering media does to womens’ self esteem, body image, sexuality, etc.
Whether we’re naturally monogamous, like I said earlier, is up for debate, but what remains true is that you are trying to prescribe your very unusual definition of respect to healthy relationships as a whole. If it works for you and your partner, great! But if one truly feels that they can’t/shouldn’t stop themselves from blurting out any passing admiration for the physique of another to their SO, I would suspect that their impulse control is not so great. Which makes your assurance that somehow doing this makes partner less likely to cheat pretty shaky.
Having a filter is part of being a mature, respectful adult who values not just their own internal satisfaction (how nice it would be to not “repress” all of the horrible things one thinks about one’s boss, in-laws, etc….) but also the feelings and boundaries of others’.
If your attraction to others is so strong and so important that you absolutely cannot be in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t feel comfortable hearing about it…well maybe monogamy isn’t for you then. The logic that “if you don’t share it WITH THE PERSON IT WILL PROBABLY UPSET, it will become repressed and bubble up into a much worse situation eventually” is disastrous when applied to nearly any situation. Honesty is great! So is knowing when something does not need to be said aloud. I highly, HIGHLY doubt anyone has ever cheated because they weren’t able to tell their partner how hot that blonde girl at Starbucks’ ass looked. You have no right to make anyone feel immature or ashamed for not wanting to know the specifics about their monogamous partners’ attraction for others .
YES! I absolutely agree with this entire opinion.
“I think your characterization of any relationship where it wouldn’t be acceptable to talk about how hot other people are as abusive (or manipulative, or what have you) is fallacious.”
“The reason I said I was surprised this was written by a woman is because I’ve seen the “men are biologically programmed to sow their seed; that’s why they ogle other women while they’re with their partners!” trotted out countless times by men. It’s an excuse, and a rationalization”
“…what remains true is that you are trying to prescribe your very unusual definition of respect to healthy relationships as a whole.” The author has an opinion trying to pass off as fact and facts are supported by evidence.
“Honesty is great! So is knowing when something does not need to be said aloud”
It is important to have a filter when communicating with individuals, what is right for you may not be right for someone else.
If the author’s intent is to write opinions intended for a limited audience, why isn’t the self-disclaimer mentioned in the beginning of the article?
Secrecy is evil and people cheat because of “pent up temptation of exploring the forbidden and the taboo.” Where is the evidence for this? Sources, please.
People cheat for many reasons, one of them being that people are no longer in love and do not how to end the relationship.
Judging by some of the comments it seems many are on the verge of cheating and not feeling satisfied in their relationships. Is it possible that the reason for these cognitions(viewing others and commenting on their beauty) is that you are no longer in love with your partner and are in denial?
You should be writing a blog, not this author! She’s just giving immoral people permission to justify their bad behavior. I do think the world would be different if men had to walk through life with their zippers open so we could examine who is the biggest.
hey, I was sent this article to me from my boyfriend of 3 years. We have been up and down with our relationship for the past month. I caught him having a “relationship” with a co-worker of his. It seemed innocent with just texting but I started to become suspicious when the texting only went to “snap chat” texting. So that the text would be deleted as soon as read automatically. Oh, let me fill you in on one thing, when the texting began it was from a man’s name rather than a woman’s name and I had never heard of this person so I did investigating and found out it was a woman. My bf had changed the name and when confronted he said he did it because he knew I always get jealous and insecure. I’ve never gotten jealous. I usually know everyone who he talks with. So needless to say I was very suspicious. I told him to change it to her name and stop being stupid. So let me get back…. so I noticed now the texting went to ‘snap chat texting’, which I thought was odd. She texted him non stop…. and supposedly she is engaged. Anyways, night of his Christmas party I thought we were having an amazing time. The next morning he went to shower and I peaked at his phone and saw a snap chat text from him to her that said “he missed her, couldn’t wait to see her, wanted to cuddle her and wanted to f&@% her. I lost it. We broke up but managed to work things out kind of. I confronted her and they both say nothing ever happened. He said those things in dumb drunk behaviour and didn’t know what he was thinking. She confirmed he had never said anything like that before and what they had before was innocent flirt texting but a couple texts got out of hand and he supposedly told her to stop. And she did but then he wrote that to her. I some what forgave him because I do love him dearly. But just recently everything had been bottling up and I just needed answers, like was it me? Does he think what he did was cheating? How could he not think it wasn’t? I feel the emotional connection he felt with her he lost with me and it was devastating. We were each others loves. And I felt like I lost all that because of this damn chick. He then sent me this article, I read it and I do agree with it but I feel like he crossed the lines. We would always say to each other or check out that person, they are hot. But he hid everything about this one. I’ve started off the New Year with high hopes that with me forgiving him and letting go we will be able to move on together but I’m still unsecure in our relationship. How do I get him to understand what he did was unacceptable? Or do you think it was? I just don’t want it to happen again and then lead to infidelity.
Thanks
Your boyfriend should be groveling at your feet for forgiveness right now. What he did was abhorrent, and not respectful or acceptable in any way. He is doing what is called “gaslighting” (google it and I’m sure it will sound very familiar) by sending you this article and trying to explain it away with the support of this seemingly open-minded woman. He was unfaithful, disloyal, and supremely disrespectful to you, and if he can’t see how wrong that was, he will certainly not change his behavior. Contrary to what the author of this thinks, there are many MANY men out there who respect and love their girlfriend and would never think about being disrespectful or unfaithful to her in the ways you have described. There are men out there who will make you feel like the most special girl in the world. These are the men worth your time. From one woman who’s been there to another, please don’t believe any of his gas lighting garbage and let him go. Continuing this relationship will only bring you even more heartache, insecurity, and doubt than you feel now. You deserve SO much better. One day you’ll meet someone who will make you look back at this loser and be able to see him for the manipulative, dishonest jerk that he is. I know it’s hard because you’ve been together so long, but there is no better time to start new than now. Google Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon, or John Mulaney and his wife’s marriages. Look at how they are as husbands, how they talk with such admiration and respect for their wives. That’s what you are worthy of. Get it girl!
Run like the wind. What is the mystery?
Thanks for the great article,I feel better now. But I sometimes,visualize that other person when making love with my husband..or remember my first kiss… Is that bad? I have told my husband of other colleague crushes but not about this guy, because he is also my best friend and I doubt if I tell him,he might not like me being in touch with him. When this best Frnd confessed that he is attracted to me n flirts with me,I denied my feelings and behaved as if I don’t have such feelings n wil be loyal to my husband.Yes I love my husband and have a blissful life n will never want to lose it.Help!!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I would firstly say, put yourself in your husband’s shoes. If he had a best friend female who was a woman, and visualized her while making love to you, and didn’t tell you, how would you feel? Probably not good at all. It is completely normal to feel attracted to more than one person in a relationship, however when the feelings are denied or repressed for too long out of guilt and shame, they can erupt into situations that may weaken, or sometimes destroy, the relationship.
Have you ever asked your husband how he feels about being attracted to others in loving relationships? In this situation, I obviously don’t know what your relationship dynamics are like so I can’t give you a straight answer: the final decision has to come from you and your own sense of honesty and faithfulness. But I recommend that you think about the potential end result of every action, and what feels the most authentic.
My very best wishes to you and your happiness.
Hi Nina. Polyamory is a completely new topic! That is why I didn’t go in deep. As with everything, loving one or more than one person is all a matter of personal preference and context.
Thanks for reading xx
Compartmentalization is “time-sharing” of split or multiple personalities. It causes chronic stress to the person as well as loved ones around. I unfortunately know quite a few of such characters. They lack integrity or real sense of responsibility. Yet they demand loyalty from others. They believe sex is the only channel to communicate with the ones they are attracted to. (or possess) This has a lot to do with entanglement of previous incarnations. Please check out the books & video by Dr. Weiss and Dr. Fiore.