I want you to take a moment and think about the kind of relationship you have with your mother.
What does it look like? How does it feel? Do your thoughts drift to the good times, or do they dwell on the bad times?
Our mothers were pivotal players in our development as children, and they formed the very foundation of our emotional and psychological growth.
Spiritual Wanderer Course:
Being a lone wolf and a spiritual wanderer is a sacred calling in life – a unique and alchemical path of awakening. You don’t need to feel lost, alone, or stuck on your journey any more. It’s time to meet your soul’s deep needs for clarity, self-acceptance, and empowerment. Let us show you how …
To this very day, our mothers continue to influence us both through our deeply ingrained perceptions of life and through our feelings towards ourselves and other people.
But although our mothers may have tried their very best to nurture us, our relationships with them may have been laced with undercurrents of shame, guilt, and obligation.
In fact, we may continue to carry unresolved grief, fear, disappointment, and resentment towards our mothers long into our adult lives.
This deep pain is usually the result of unhealed core wounds that are passed on from generation to generation.
If you possess the Mother Wound, it is vital that you learn how to treat, repair, and reconcile those broken parts within you that still yearn for your mother’s love.
Healing the Mother Wound within you has the potential to transform your life and improve your relationships tenfold.
Today, we’ll explore how to do that.
Shadow & Light Membership:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐ "Shadow and Light’s weekly guidance always rings true to my heart. Thanks for acknowledging my shadows and inviting my inner light. I always get excited to open the Shadow and Light emails on Sunday!" – Angela M.
Before we begin, if you need more support on this journey, I explore this topic much more deeply in my Healing the Mother Wound Journal:
Here’s a description of the journal:
Is your mother the source of some of your deepest rage, grief, and shame?
Do you have a broken, strained, or nonexistent relationship with her?
The mother wound is one of the deepest, most traumatic, and haunting sources of pain we can carry in life.
But how do we heal it and move on from this wounding?
Through the power of gentle but fierce reparenting, the Healing the Mother Wound Journal can help you to befriend your inner child, give yourself the love you’ve always wanted, and release the burden of emotional pain.
Features of this journal include:
- 40+ journaling prompts and activities exploring the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of healing the mother wound
- Lush images with quotes
- Healing mantras
- Oracle/tarot card spreads
- Book recommendations
- Gender-inclusive
- Printer-friendly (low ink usage) PDF version
- 100% editable format PDF version
Now on to the article:
Would you like to save this?
We'll email this article to you, so you can come back to it later!
Your information will never be shared.
Table of contents
What is the Mother Wound?
I have always had a complicated relationship with my mum. As a child, I remember the great fear and reverence I felt towards her; fear because she was the primary disciplinarian in the fundamentalist religious household, and reverence because she was so self-sacrificing.
As an artist, she was (and still is) extremely skilled in watercolor and oil paintings, yet she was never able to actualize her dream of becoming a professionally paid artist despite how brilliant she was and still is.
These dreams further dimmed as she kept giving birth to children, and eventually, it became a rare occurrence for her to pick up a pencil or paintbrush.
While I may be wrong, I could always sense this lurking disappointment and resentment bottled up within her because of these lost dreams.
As I got older, the admiration and affection that I held towards my mother became tainted with anger and sadness.
Although she was extremely generous with her time and effort, dedicating her time exclusively to raising me and my siblings, her emotional coldness was distressing. Growing up, she made it very clear that my role was to obey and conform to her, the all-knowing parent, and the faith. There was no equal middle ground on which we could meet.
The only time when I ever felt valued and worthy was when I did everything she wanted me to do and fit the role of the “good Christian girl.”
These days, I don’t speak with my mother directly except via text message. While my heart has softened towards her through the years, and I appreciate all she did for me growing up, she made it very clear to me that leaving the Christian faith and allowing myself to love someone outside the faith (Mateo) equals severe betrayal.
By leaving the faith and “living in sin,” I have effectively excommunicated myself from their religion and, ultimately, her daily life.
As you can see, the Mother Wound occurs when we have a fractured, distorted, or broken bond with our mother figure. This is a trauma that can be passed down from generation to generation and has a profound impact on our lives.
When left unresolved, we pass on the wounds that our mothers and grandmothers before us failed to heal. These wounds consist of toxic and oppressive beliefs, ideals, perceptions, and choices.
Finally, our children repeat the cycle, harming their own children and their children’s children with centuries of unresolved pain. (Please note here that our fathers carry their own wounds, but in this article, I want to focus on our mothers specifically.)
9 Signs of the Mother Wound
If you suffer from the Mother Wound, you’ll likely experience the following problems:
- Feeling insecure around women in general.
- Sabotaging yourself when you experience happiness or success.
- Possessing weak boundaries and an inability to say “no.”
- Self-blaming and low self-esteem that manifests itself as the core belief: “There is something wrong with me.”
- Co-dependency in relationships.
- Minimizing yourself to be likable and accepted (aka, people-pleasing).
- The inability to speak up authentically and express your emotions fully.
- Sacrificing your dreams and desires for other people unnecessarily.
- Waiting for your mother’s validation on an unconscious level to fill the emotional hole within you.
Mother Wounds are developed at a young age and are bound by the belief that “I was responsible for my mother’s pain,” and “I can make my mother happy if I’m a good girl/boy.”
The truth is that we weren’t and still aren’t responsible for our mother’s pain – only she is. We also can’t make our mothers happy unless they truly decide to be happy.
Spiritual Awakening Bundle:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐ "Luna & Sol, your words have been like salve to my soul. I have been searching for a way to heal and reconnect to my true self for so long (20 years) but have never found anything that truly made a difference… Until I read your books." – Stac
Yet, unfortunately, as children, we were not aware of this, and on a subconscious level, many of us still believe that we are the culprits of our mothers’ angst.
Where Does the Mother Wound Come From?
Women have lived under patriarchal rule for centuries. Religion and society, in particular, have been instrumental in perpetuating the myths that women should:
- Stay at home and give up their ambitions as child-bearers.
- Be the primary caretakers of the household.
- Constantly serve others and their needs, while giving up their own.
- Hold it all together 100% of the time because that’s what “good mothers” do.
- Utterly deplete themselves in order to support their families and raise children.
As a result of these intense and super-human standards, women abandon their dreams, lock away their desires, and smother their needs in favor of meeting the cultural ideal of what motherhood “should” be.
This pressure is suffocating for most women, breeding rage, depression, and anxiety, which is then passed on to their children through subtle – or even aggressive – forms of emotional abandonment and manipulation (such as shame, guilt, and obligation).
This forms the Mother Wound.
But it is important that we understand how much our mothers have gone through in the face of these oppressive ideals and expectations. It is vital that we realize that no mother can be perfect, no matter how hard they try, and use this knowledge to cultivate forgiveness.
Finally, it’s important that we learn to humanize our mothers in a society that strips them of their humanity. No mother can act in a loving way 100% of the time. The sooner we embrace this reality, the better.
Healing the Mother Wound – 3 Steps
Many women these days speak about embracing the divine feminine, which sounds nice in theory, but without confronting and healing the Mother Wound, this is nothing but another fuzzy ideal and form of spiritual bypassing.
As a woman who carries a very deep Mother Wound, I have experienced just how lonely and saddening it can be to feel the emotional and psychological absence of your mother.
Although I still have space to improve, I want to share with you three tips that will help you on your healing path:
1. Learn to separate the human from the archetype
We briefly explored the archetypal mother above: that of the selfless, giving, completely nurturing woman who diminishes her own needs in favor of her children’s needs.
In reality, mothers are human beings with flaws and issues. The more we expect them to live up to society’s expectations of the “perfect woman,” the more we deprive them of their humanity.
You may like to ask yourself, “What damaging beliefs and expectations do I have about my mother that cause me pain?”
Common beliefs and expectations include, for instance, “my mother should always be emotionally available,” “my mother should be my best friend,” “my mother should never get angry at me,” and so forth.
2. Give up the dream that your mother will be who you want her to be someday
Stop waiting around to receive the love, support, and validation of your mother. Remember that you can never change who she is, nor do you have the right to – that is her responsibility.
As you slowly learn to relinquish your hope that she will be everything you ever wanted her to be, you can allow yourself to grieve her absence.
Experiencing grief is a vital part of the healing process, and in my experience, it can last for years. But allow it to happen. It is ultimately good for you. Journaling, art therapy, and physical catharsis are powerful ways of processing this grief.
3. Find your inner source of unconditional love
While you may not have received unconditional love from your mother, you can find it within yourself.
A huge part of my own healing process has been learning how to re-parent my inner child.
Learning how to love myself has revealed to me a deep well of endless love that supports, cherishes, and wants the very best for me at the core of my Self. This very same source of love is within you as well.
As you slowly dissolve the limiting beliefs and perceptions you have about yourself and the world, you will find it easy to transform your desire for outer support to inner acceptance.
The Final Product …
Healing the Mother Wound within you will transform your life. You will be able to set better boundaries, establish healthier relationships, take care of your needs better, develop empathy for others, trust life more, and feel more comfortable in your skin.
Remember, if you need help on your path, would like to go deeper than what this article has offered, and get access to 40+ psychospiritual journaling prompts, integration tarot spreads for healing the mother wound, and more, see my Healing the Mother Wound Journal!
Share with me below: if you were to heal the Mother Wound, what would transform in your life? Also, if you have any wisdom to share with those suffering from this wound, please comment below. You never know who you may help!
If you need more help, we offer 3 powerful ways to guide you on your inner journey:
1. The Spiritual Wanderer Course: Feeling lost or uncertain about your path and purpose in life? Gain clarity and focus by learning about the five archetypes of awakening within you. Discover your deeper path and purpose using our in-depth psychospiritual map. Includes 3+ hours of audio-visual content, workbooks, meditations, and a premium test.
2. Shadow & Light Membership: Seeking ongoing support for your spiritual journey? Receive weekly intuitive guidance and learn to embrace your whole self, including your shadow side. Deepen your self-love and receive personal support from us.
3. Spiritual Awakening Bundle: Ready to soul search and dive deep? Access our complete "essentials" collection of beloved journals and eBooks. Includes five enlightening eBooks and seven guided journals, plus two special bonuses to further illuminate your path.
I want to heal my mother was/is an addict who left me at numerous various places and never return my grandmother found me most of the time except the time I had to run away from the dope house my mom left me at as collateral. I know why I’m messed up and life has continued to happen and I remain numb most of the time. Since I was a little girl I have known that I was meant to fight for the light and I am 37 trying to find myself so I can help others find their way.
This was a good read- I needed this. I have a mother wound myself and I am learning to let go slowly. I am in the beginning stages of this process, I know it is not easy… but it is a start. Growing up, my mother was very sad and lonely. She was mistreated by former boyfriends and often took that hurt out on me. I was the ‘reason’ why her relationships with toxic men never worked. Sometimes, I still find myself trying to change her into the mother I want her to be, but that isn’t going to happen. I always felt like I was a burden to my mother. I often still do— I am on a journey to heal my heart and the relationship that I have with my mother.
Please explain when an 8 year old loses her mother to cancer, her father is reduced to alcoholic abandonment, and seems now, again, ignored by two sons, age 37 & 38, and communication by her 33 year old daughter being very stunted.
The father of these children is a sociopath, who worked very hard to destroy the mom throughout divorce, in 1995. This individual only snaps his fingers, and the kids respond.
Jealousy, self worth in a state of shambles, anguish, the lot of the darkness, fights to prevail over this otherwise strong, articulate, expressive woman.
I would like more information this was very helpful!
I actually recoiled at the common expectations and beliefs you listed in step no. 1. I have always known that I hated my mother, but I’ve always kept this bit of info locked up somewhere in the back of my mind. It’s just been too scary for me to share this with anyone. I don’t even know what to do with it. I don’t know when I started actually hating her, but I do remember that at about 5 years of age I had a dream about her which I still remember to this day. The dream summarized my mother in one image that said everything I needed to know about her: she is utterly disappointed in me and considers me a failure. The horrific truth is that I have subconsciously been living up to that assessment for decades.
I was basking in the beauty of this article, the focus on self responsibility and forgiveness for our own sakes…so I commented before I read the other posts.
Seems as though this site has a lot of people who are not ready for the deeper work yet, and that is so sad. Yes, many of us have been deeply traumatized by the very people who should have protected and loved us. I guess I have done a lot of healing work before I found this site. I stopped going to groups where all the members talked every session about their wounds and the details of their abuse. Perhaps I needed that for some time, I don’t know. Some of the people in the groups I attended really did not seem to want to heal, especially if it involved forgiveness. Their wounds defined them.
I hope that isn’t the case in this group. Then again, if it isn’t the case–there are many many wounded people out there.
I believe deeply that the human spirit can heal. Emotions and mind and ego can heal.
I love this website’s focus on healing and self responsibility.
It’s my prayer (no. not a christian prayer, just fyi) that those who commented sharing their wounds find their own healing however they may find it.
Luna,
I want you to know how much I appreciate your work. I love the way you relate things but most of all I love your focus on self healing with self responsibility. At my age, I am still aware of the “Mother Wound” and have always bristled at the mom bashing found in most sites and articles, even from therapists, that we are supposed to heal by focusing on Mum’s Mistakes. Poor me. *gag* Even before I became a mother myself, I did not like it, it never felt right.
So I am blown away at the beauty of your words, that most mothers do try, and nobody can be perfect, and the patriarchal society (which was even MORE patriarchal when my mother was raising children!) inflicts a very deep wound of it’s own on most mothers.
Yes, we need to face the Mother Wound, it’s imperative to growth and happiness and loving yourself. You said it so well: “It is important that we realize that no mother can be perfect, no matter how hard they try, and use this knowledge to generate forgiveness.”
My mother did some things that have made people gasp and therapists to raise their eyebrows. I felt at first memories that it was my job to “fix” my mother and that I was responsible for making her happy. This knowledge does me no good, and in fact, for me, it’s harmful unless I balance with understanding and compassion for both my mother and myself.
“…it’s important that we learn to humanize our mothers in a society that strips them of their humanity. No mother can act in a loving way 100% of the time. The sooner we embrace this reality, the better.”
I’ve been looking for these are the words for the past 30 years, and today I found them in your article. Thank you again, Luna.
Blessings, Shari
Hello Shari,
I do applaud your attitude of having done so much healing work that you can see how the other contributors are stuck in the pain and resentment of their childhoods and it would be beter if they ould moe on to the stage of takin grepsonsbility for themselves ad make teir own happiness. But could you give some advice about how you did your healig work? I too like the approach on this site of the wise people who have come through extreme upbringings and worked on themselves to heal the wounds. I would liek to be able to do that for myself. I do have some concept of my Mum as a human rather than a mother and I think I see her point of view and reasons for her bad behaviour. But I am still stuck, because I have failed at everything I tried to do in life and some years ago I collapsed out of anxiety and despair. I don’t seem to be able to come out of that, because i realise I was never adequate to the demands of life. I feel overwhelmed by life and seem to have no positives to balance the negatives. I am afraid I was born with a massively defective personality and that is why I can’t succeed and feel bad inside all the time. Nobody wants my company, which to me is a big sign of a defective or bad person. I hae tried to get help from therapists an psychics, but with one or two exceptions, they say I need testing for mental illness and personality disorder; which is far worse than anything I had thought was wrong with me. They are sometimes nice to my face (actually it’s by telephone) and then they never contact or respond to me, after I have confided in them. I am so shocked, I wonder if they could be right. Yet I still don’t believe they are right… I feel so weak and alone, yet fear I am a bad person from the core. I would like to do the inner work, but i am afraid of what it demands and I would fail and waste my money, which I don’t have much of, due to having given up trying to work ten years ago.
Jo, a psychiatrist once asked me in a Session, what would be the worst thing I could inflict towards my mother. My immediate answer was, to kill myself in front of her with a Knife. I only feel guilt, shame and resentment towards my mother, that I now project onto other women, which in turn makes it really hard for me, to create lasting relationships. There is this sense of futility and a always present Deathwish.
I remember so little of my childhood. I know it was dysfunctional but tend to minimize the impact of that dysfunctionality. Part of this stems from believing, “well, at least I was beaten with a bat.” I believe physical abuse can’t hold a candle to emotional abuse, which seems to have been at play. My dad worked offshore and was gone for long periods of time, for which my mom had to hold down the fort. For my mom, she was a very anxious woman, emotionally withdrawn, and needed someone to “dump” all this on. She obviously chose me and not my brother. I seemed to have become her “surrogate husband.” My dad was definitely not emotionally available but here I was, a sweet and sensitive kid who she could confide in. I, as a child, was not prepared for this. I shouldn’t have been put in a situation where I had to be my mom’s emotional outlet, her best friend. These should have been my dad’s role. Now, I am 52 years old and childhood trauma has been triggered by a strew of traumatic events in a 2-year span, all culminating into a very lost, very scared, and very withdrawn 52-year-old. All my passions of acting, writing, and animal welfare advocacy seem to be gone from me. I feel like Virginia Woolf in her suicide note when she said, “everything is gone from me.” That’s how a I feel; like I’m a ghost and not attached to my body at all. I know this is typical of PTSD survivors, but I don’t know how to heal from this. I often think of suicide because I can’t seem to think there is any way out of all this suffering and despair.
Fuck Christianity. It’s the biggest enemy of a woman who wants to get out into the world and raise a middle finger at society’s bullshit gender norms.