You’re lost. You’re ashamed to admit that you have zero clues about who you truly are – you have no bloody idea about what you want in life. In truth, you feel like a complete stranger to yourself.
Can you relate?
If so, don’t worry. There’s nothing wrong with you.
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What you’re experiencing is the product of living in a society that is constantly trying to tell you who THEY think you are. (And the reality is that this can be so freakin’ disorienting, demoralizing, and overwhelming!)
Put simply, not knowing who you authentically are can be ungrounding, confusing, and scary.
You’ll be dragged here and there by life without remaining in the center of your being.
You’ll enter one job, relationship, and life commitment after another, quickly realizing that they’re not meant for you.
… and you’ll repeat this confusing cycle over and over again until you learn how to find yourself.
To learn how to find yourself you’ll need to connect with the core of yourself – your soul. And to do this, you need to do some soul searching.
It’s time to find yourself …
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Table of contents
- Why You’re Struggling to Find Yourself (It’s Multi-Layered)
- The Spiritual Reason Why You’ve Lost Touch With Your True Self
- How Do I Become Myself Again? (How to Find Yourself in 9 Steps)
- 1. Make time for solitude
- 2. Mentally and emotionally purge the inner sh*t
- 3. Pinpoint your top five core needs
- 4. Think about what you REALLY want in life
- 5. Embrace your right to be self-sovereign
- 6. Explore, travel, ponder (and find your passion)
- 7. Say goodbye to people and commitments that reinforce inauthenticity
- 8. Connect with your spiritual center
- 9. Reconnect with your wildness
- Takeaway
Why You’re Struggling to Find Yourself (It’s Multi-Layered)
There are a number of reasons why it’s so difficult to know who you really are. Some of the main explanations include:
- You were raised in a dysfunctional family that discarded individuality and had strict family roles (you’re probably also the black sheep of the family).
- You’ve developed low self-esteem/self-loathing as a result of negative life experiences – and the thoughts (or stories) in your head prevent you from seeing your true beauty/power.
- You’re being heavily influenced by the media including TV shows, movies, ads, YouTube channels, Instagram celebrities, etc. who make you think that you need to be someone you’re not (thus, demoralizing you even more).
- You’re surrounded by people who reinforce inauthenticity, low self-esteem, and poor decision making – these people feed the cycle of your insecurity and confusion.
- Your daily habits, commitments, and life choices prevent you from taking the time to soul search and find who you truly are.
Let’s explore these above points a little more in detail below:
1# You were raised in a dysfunctional family
Our childhood experiences impact our adult life and day-to-day existence tremendously. Why? The answer is that our childhood years were our formation years: they created the foundation of the beliefs, behaviors, and values we carry right now.
Those raised in dysfunctional families tend to develop a weak sense of self because, as children, all their energy was invested externally.
When a child must be hyper-vigilant (and protect him/herself against abandonment, abuse, etc.), they have no energy left to play, explore, and enjoy life.
In other words, there’s no inner energy left, and thus, a child’s identity becomes frail and dependant on the external world for validation.
Dysfunctional families often have strict roles in which no one is permitted to be an individual (this is called enmeshment) or grow and change.
In fact, any deviation from what “I am supposed to be and do” is punished, and therefore, being an individual is equated with suffering.
It’s no wonder that so many people are terrified, deep down, of finding who they truly are!
Not only were they prevented from being their true selves as children – and not only did they likely have no true authentic role models – but they were actually punished for being genuine!
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2# You’ve developed low self-esteem
Either as a result of being raised in a dysfunctional family or through life circumstances, low self-esteem can also be why you struggle to learn how to to find yourself.
One step deeper than self-esteem is self-worth – or how fundamentally worthy as a human being you believe you are.
If you’ve adopted the core wound that “There’s something wrong with me,” “I’m bad,” “I’m unlovable,” etc. it will be very difficult to find your true self.
In short, on an unconscious level, you don’t believe you’re worthy of finding yourself!
Think of the mind as a mirror. The more gunk and dirt is smeared across the mirror in the form of false beliefs and attitudes, the harder it will be to see yourself clearly.
To see yourself clearly and learn how to find yourself, you’ll need to wipe that mirror clean. We’ll explore how to do this a little later in the article.
3# You’re being heavily influenced by the media
The media is omnipresent. Turn on your TV, it’s there. Go to the shops, it’s there. Read the online newspaper, it’s there. Scroll through Google, it’s there. Use your favorite shampoo, it’s there.
When you observe the overarching message sent by mass media, you’ll see that it always centers around making you feel like you need more:
More shiny hair, clearer skin, a slimmer body, nicer shoes, whiter teeth, smoother legs, better sex … more, more, more.
One level deeper than that is the idea that “you’re not good enough as you are.”
It’s in the interest of companies, products, online personalities, publishers, etc. to make you unhappy with yourself, to throw a smokescreen over your eyes, and cause you to forget who you are.
It makes you chase a person who you think you must be, which in turn makes them a fat profit!
I’ll repeat that again: it’s in the interest of mass media to make you forget who you are because it makes them money. It makes them powerful. It makes them important. And without your insecurity, they wouldn’t have that kind of power.
4# You’re surrounded by people who reinforce inauthenticity
As the saying goes, misery loves company. We attract those who “vibe” with us and who mirror (or affirm) what we feel about ourselves deep down.
If you have low self-esteem, if you don’t know who you are, you’ll attract the same types of noxious people over and over again. Why does this happen? The answer is that we attract toxic people because our ego-self feels that they are what we deserve.
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When we are around people who are also confused about who they truly are, it’s comfortable and non-confrontational.
But when we’re around a person who exudes a calm, grounded, centered presence, we’re intimidated. We feel vulnerable. We feel insecure because we haven’t found that within ourselves yet.
The people we’re around most of the time can make it damn hard for us to learn how to find ourselves.
Furthermore, on some level, we know that if we do go on this soul-searching adventure, we’ll likely lose our friendships. The structure of our lives will crumble. We’ll wind up feeling alone. (And that’s another reason preventing us from finding ourselves!)
5# Your daily habits, commitments, and life choices
Finally, the pièce de résistance that builds on all previous points is our habits.
The material, the bulk of our lives can become cluttered very easily by soul-desecrating, empty, meaningless, and phony commitments.
These life choices can quickly build into prison walls that keep us feeling stuck and entrapped. They reinforce our self-alienation and inauthenticity, and it can be very hard to liberate ourselves from them.
But it is possible.
We’ll explore how to free yourself from these blockages soon. But first, let’s explore the spiritual reason why you don’t know how to find yourself.
The Spiritual Reason Why You’ve Lost Touch With Your True Self
Three words:
Ego + soul loss.
At risk of going off on a whole twenty-page in-depth rant, I’ll keep it simple.
Your ego is your False Self: the mask you present to the world.
You were conditioned to develop this ego-mask as a child (we all are). Its purpose is to help you function in society. But at the same time, it also obscures your True Self (your Soul).
Soul loss is the result of us identifying with our False Self (ego) and forgetting about our True Self (soul).
As a result of our soul loss, we don’t know who we truly are. We’re also plagued with feelings of depression, anxiety, emptiness, hopelessness, and a sensation of being like little tiny isolated islands floating in the sea of life.
In truth, if we could connect with our souls, we’d realize how interconnected we truly are and no longer suffer so much.
As poet and philosopher, Mark Nepo explains:
It is the True Self that lets us know what is authentic and what has become artificial, while the False Self is a diplomat of distrust, enforcing a lifestyle of guardedness, secrecy, and complaint.
When we identify with the False Self, we lose touch with our wildness, with the vitality and rawness of who we truly are and what we genuinely want.
This lack of wildness, zestfulness, and soulfulness is what gives rise to a feeling of staleness and boredom. We feel empty inside. We become bored with ourselves easily and keep pursuing relationships, careers, or things that we think will give us back that spark of life. But it’s an illusion.
Nothing outside of yourself can reinstate that soul spark within you.
Author and psychoanalyst, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, graphically describes this disconnection from our sacred wildness (our soul):
What are some of the feeling-toned symptoms of a disrupted relationship with the wildish force in the psyche? To chronically feel, think, or act in any of the following ways is to have partially severed or lost entirely the relationship with the deep instinctual psyche. Using women’s language exclusively, these are: feeling extraordinarily dry, fatigued, frail, depressed, confused, gagged, muzzled, unaroused. Feeling frightened, halt or weak, without inspiration, without animation, without soulfulness, without meaning, shame-bearing, chronically fuming, volatile, stuck, uncreative, compressed, crazed. Feeling powerless, chronically doubtful, shaky, blocked, unable to follow through, giving one’s creative life over to others, life-sapping choices in mates, work, or friendships, suffering to live outside one’s own cycles, overprotective of self, inert, uncertain, faltering, inability to pace oneself or set limits …
I’m sure, on many levels, you can relate to this vivid description of what it’s like to lose touch with your wildness, your soul.
But how do you get it back?
How do you stop identifying with the False Self and step into your True Self?
How Do I Become Myself Again? (How to Find Yourself in 9 Steps)
As Mary Oliver put it, “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
Our days on this earth are numbered, so what’s the point of being someone we’re not?
Being who you authentically are at a core level is breathtakingly liberating. So much in your life will start flowing beautifully once you learn how to find yourself.
Your relationships will improve. Your work life will improve. Your family life will improve. Your mental and emotional well-being will improve. And above all, your relationship with yourself will improve.
So how do we get there?
$3Here are the 9 steps you can take to find yourself:
- Make time for solitude
- Mentally and emotionally purge
- Pinpoint your top five core needs
- Think about what you really want in life
- Embrace your right to be self-sovereign
- Explore, travel, ponder (and find your passion)
- Say goodbye to people and commitments that reinforce inauthenticity
- Connect with your spiritual center
- Reconnect with your wildness
These steps can be attempted individually, aka. you don’t have to consecutively do them.
Also, keep in mind that some of these practices will work for you and some won’t. That’s okay. Experiment and don’t be afraid to fall down and get back up again.
I’ll expand below:
1. Make time for solitude
Solitude is powerful and it is the very first step to finding and becoming yourself again.
In solitude, we can distance ourselves from the noise around us that clutters our minds and confuses us.
By solitude, I mean absolutely no contact with friends, colleagues, social media, etc. Solitude means simply being with yourself without distraction. One great way to do this is through meditation.
No, you don’t need to drop everything and become a hermit. Simply designate a few hours a week to solitude. If you need to drive somewhere to be alone, do it. If you need to barricade yourself in a room to be alone, do it.
If others are confused, explain to them that you need some time to rejuvenate alone. If they’re reasonable, they’ll get the picture. If not, you may need to forcibly set boundaries and find time to be alone.
2. Mentally and emotionally purge the inner sh*t
One of the most effective ways of mentally and emotionally purging is through journaling. (Also, drawing is another good method.)
Begin by vomiting all that you feel onto a page. Don’t censor yourself. Let it run free and get as explicit as you like.
Once you’ve purged your inner chaos, reflect on what you’ve written: What themes arise? What dominant emotions come through?
Focus on developing a bit of self-understanding and don’t worry if you’re not completely sure of yourself. Just give it your best shot.
3. Pinpoint your top five core needs
We all have wants and desires, but needs are different. Needs come from your core, and they are unnegotiable because they’re vital to your sanity.
One great way of pinpointing your core needs is by focusing on areas of life that make you feel miserable. In what parts of life are you the unhappiest? You can be dead-sure sure a core need isn’t being met there.
Once you have an idea of your top five core needs, write/draw them out. Then, underneath each picture or sentence, explore all the ways they are/aren’t being met.
To find yourself, you need to go back to basics. You need to shed all of the superficial wants and desires that cloud your mind and rediscover the gold that is buried within you. This inner gold is the fabric of your soul and it’s what makes you, you.
By understanding your core needs, you’ll know how to direct your life and be aligned with your inner center.
For instance, if a core need of yours is to live close to nature, you’ll be able to find jobs, houses, and relationships that respect this quality that nourishes you.
4. Think about what you REALLY want in life
As author and inventor Stephen Key writes,
Consider how rare it is for us to make a meaningful, sustained observation of our likes and dislikes. Of course, we routinely complain, grasp, go along, fight—but we rarely ask ourselves, in a protracted and serious way: What would create purpose or contentment for me? What would I really like to be doing right now—and in whose company? We seldom ask, with deadly seriousness, who we want as intimates; where we physically and morally wish to dwell; and what we want to do with ourselves.
Stephen has a point: how often do you think about what YOU really want in life? Forget about what your parents want. Forget about what your friends, partner, colleagues, or society wants: what do you want?
I know it may sound a little harsh, but you need to ignore everyone else and listen to that little voice within.
Why?
Well, your life is YOURS to live. No one has the right to tell you what you should and shouldn’t want in life.
So take some time to dive deep and introspect. If you could do whatever you want, without consequences, how would you live your life?
Then, from there, make the appropriate compromises (i.e., it’s not a smart idea to abandon your kids) and take the steps toward that destination.
5. Embrace your right to be self-sovereign
Being self-sovereign means stepping into the role of ultimate authority within your life.
When we practice self-sovereignty we realize that no one else is responsible for living our lives but us.
We realize that no one else can dictate what we should do but us. We realize that our lives are our creations – and what works for others doesn’t necessarily work for us.
To be self-sovereign means to step into the role of King or Queen of your life. Instead of seeking validation and approval from others like a beggar, you turn inwards and find that acceptance within yourself.
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Often, those who struggle to find themselves don’t believe they have the fundamental right to be self-sovereign. Instead, they believe that they need to play by society’s rules in order to be acceptable.
To realize that you have the right (and responsibility) to be self-sovereign is a simple mindset shift that can create massive, unfathomably intense ripples of change in your life.
One of the best ways to start being self-sovereign is to define who you are and who you aren’t.
Here are some journaling prompts that will help you to step into the role of self-sovereignty:
- What do I like and dislike?
- What is my style?
- What does beauty mean to me?
- What does success mean to me?
- What does happiness mean to me?
- Who do I think I am (vs. who others think I am)?
You’ll know that you’re successfully answering these questions if you have to pause and think a lot.
It can take a lot of digging to find our true thoughts, feelings, and beliefs AND distinguish them from society’s perceptions. But keep at it!
Learn more about how to journal.
6. Explore, travel, ponder (and find your passion)
You’ll need to make a conscious effort to break out of your usual routines in order to find yourself.
While you don’t need to book a six-month vacation to Bali, you do need to branch out and try new things.
If you’re not the traveling type, you may choose to do some armchair traveling in which you purchase a book that looks helpful or watch an inspiring documentary.
Who you are at your core is very much entwined with what you’re passionate about.
Your passion is your calling in life, and when you’re not in touch with your passion, life feels dull and flat.
The zest and spark of life emerge when you know what your personal mission is – and to find that, you need to do some inner (and sometimes outer) exploration.
Why not start with this article on the meaning of life and see where it takes you?
7. Say goodbye to people and commitments that reinforce inauthenticity
You have the right to find yourself, be yourself, and walk a path that is true to yourself. Don’t let others drag you down. Don’t let poor habits and commitments sabotage your efforts to make positive changes.
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Self-development teacher Jim Rohn famously stated once that “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Who will those five people be? And what will they bring to your life?
Make an inventory of all the people and commitments in your life right now. Next to each, weigh up the pros and cons. Do they enrich your life or impoverish it?
It might be scary to redesign your life from the ground up, but it’s worth doing if you want to make real change. Try to find friends and commitments that honor your right to be self-sovereign.
8. Connect with your spiritual center
As spiritual teacher Don Miguel Ruiz writes:
Of course, any time we try to be what we are not, we fail. It’s so difficult to be what we are not, to pretend to be what we are not. I used to pretend that I was very happy and very strong and very important. Wow! Living that way is truly a deep hell. It’s a setup, it’s a no-win situation. You can never be what you are not, and that is the main point. You can only be you, and that’s it. And you are you right now, and it’s effortless. There is no need to justify what we are. There is no need to work hard to become what we are not.
At the core of the quest of finding yourself is being yourself.
To be yourself, you need to stop thinking you need to be someone else.
In theory, that sounds simple. But in practice, it’s one of the most difficult things in the world to embody.
As mentioned previously in this article, we live in a fractured society that is designed to program us with self-doubt, toxic shame, and insecurity.
There is so much noise around and within us that we easily lose touch with the voice of our souls, with our True Nature, and mistake our ego-selves for our authentic selves.
To reconnect with your spiritual center – whether you call that your soul, your higher self, your spirit guide, inner genius, or whatever – make some conscious and intentional time to explore what spirituality means for you.
What practices help you to tune into your spiritual center on a daily basis?
Examples might include lighting a candle, burning incense, doing yoga, lectio divina, watching the sunrise, meditating, praying, keeping a gratitude journal, and so on.
9. Reconnect with your wildness
Your wildness is what is true to you. It’s what feels most organic and real to you.
(And yes, even the idea of wildness can be a suffocating label that we try to fit ourselves into – even wildness can become a marketing ploy. So cut through that crap and get to the juicy core.)
As Mark Nepo writes:
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The unwavering truth is that when we agree to any demand, request, or condition that is contrary to our soul’s nature, the cost is that precious life force is drained off our core. Despite the seeming rewards of compliance, our souls grow weary by engaging in activities that are inherently against their nature.
One of the best ways to reconnect with your wildness is to tune into your energy. What makes you feel drained, depleted, dull, and dry? You can be sure that whatever ‘that thing’ is, it’s trying to put a muzzle on your wildness!
On the other hand, pay attention to what fills you with joy, excitement, fizziness, and passion. You can be sure you’ve found something that enriches your soul: something that is truly you.
Reconnecting with your wildness is very much about learning to connect to your body. Your body is like an antenna of truth, and anything untrue will immediately be registered and expressed by your body.
Mindfulness meditation is a wonderful way of tuning into your body, as well as other practices like somatic experiencing, yoga, and 5 Rhythms dancing. Use these modalities to embody your wildness and find yourself.
Takeaway
When Akiba was on his deathbed, he bemoaned to his rabbi that he felt he was a failure. His rabbi moved closer and asked why, and Akiba confessed that he had not lived a life like Moses. The poor man began to cry, admitting that he feared God’s judgment. At this, his rabbi leaned into his ear and whispered gently, “God will not judge Akiba for not being Moses. God will judge Akiba for not being Akiba.”
— From the Talmud
Learning how to find yourself can be a long journey, but it’s worth walking.
Without finding out who you truly are, you will forever feel lost in life and continuously make the same mistakes, over and over again, ad nauseam.
To find yourself is to be yourself, and to be yourself is to find yourself. There is both an individual and transpersonal element to finding yourself: it is a path necessary for outer and inner growth.
My hope is that now you have a new path to follow and some valuable advice to absorb.
Tell me, what has your journey been like in learning to find yourself? Feel free to vent below or to share any wisdom you’ve collected!
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2. Shadow & Light Membership: Seeking ongoing support for your spiritual journey? Receive weekly intuitive guidance and learn to embrace your whole self, including your shadow side. Deepen your self-love and receive personal support from us.
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Lifelong awareness of being a Very Old Soul, my mother tried to give me back the day I was born, hahah Dr. came in and told her I was the only female born in the last 48 hrs./she was always very afraid of me, the only thing that really bothers me about this is how much she enjoyed telling the story. In my late 30’s I was a bricklayer and sought the help of a Reiki & massage therapist/75 yr.old Pagan High Priest-the moment I walked in he said “Ah the Indian, welcome” in this life I am Hungarian-Jew, German & Castilian, strawberry blonde, grn eyes, very petite yet freakishly strong & masculine, my daughter is now a Marine as a result, raised her by myself, which I hate to say, pretty much ruined my life. I also met a woman on the train in Downtown Chicago who bowed to me and said I was an Empress. I try to call on them-Male Indian Warrior & Empress when I am in financial trouble-which has been a constant theme, I am now 56 and mostly homeless, I would love to donate to your site & valuable mission, but due to the above, I cannot, any prayers to rise above this hamster wheel-I have done $97,000 worth of free labor-I am a Master Plasterer & Painter, etc. just for a place to stay-would be greatly appreciated, Many Thanx & blessings, Namaste, DW PS. computer keeps crashing, I have a strained relationship w/ technical equipment, hahah, so if u can’t get thru, I understand
Thank You.
This helped me so much when I was faced with the choice to make the same mistakes I’ve been making over again. It’s still a battle, but I realized that happiness, to me, is that moment when you feel and know that something or someone is worth the hard work. And I find my wildness in connecting with myself and the people around me. I want to work at building myself up through mindfulness and radical acceptance rather than going for the quick fix from my past abusive relationship. Thank you for your words!
“I want to work at building myself up through mindfulness and radical acceptance rather than going for the quick fix from my past abusive relationship. ” I really like that new view you have, it sounds like you’re already on the right path Hannah :)
If finding oneself was easy! So much to shed, unravel, figure out, question, learn, unlearn and discover! Lifetime is not enough… I’ve definitely made progress on many fronts and your site helped a lot! I am now digging around my deeply rooted unworthiness while embracing emptiness, buddhist style. I want to be a lightworker – bring more light to this world. And dabble in creation for the sake of creation – writing in my case. Aligning with my soul had massive profound effect. Equally excited and scared what’s to come!
my journey in learning to find myself ? well its definetly one for the ages ! life began in dysfunctional family, surrounded by violence., constantly drilled into me how i should be & what was expected. had to grow up in a hurry. my youth often isolated largely due to ills of society, everything about my indiviual self was stifled to the point i felt imprisioned. adult life little change has happiened successfully, not for the lack of not trying. ive fought it with every fiber of my being. to get to even this moment & its exhausting ! i do life reviews to see if im on track or veered off path along the way. today im approaching a new life chapter here to come shortly & for the life of me ive hit a rut in the rd. im so use to having my life forcefully dictated to me im now clueless who i truly am. im trying to give my life the voice its been deprived of for over 45 yrs. if i so much as try to let my rage out an odd thing happiens i physically become ill as in i seize literally !
Wow, this article really hit a nerve with me. It’s funny that this piece was sent today because I am actually currently dealing with the struggle of self acceptance and growth. I had a fallout last week with my siblings because I asked to be excluded from a family-related discussion. The reason I asked to be excluded was because I was tired (emotionally, mentally, and physically) of dealing with the same issue for a number of years. I believe I am intuitive and told them a number of times that we should take a different direction but no one listened. I FELT that the direction they wanted to take was wrong and would lead to disaster, and it did. I just couldn’t handle discussing the same issue again and asked to take a break while they deal with it. Man, that was the biggest mistake I made. I was bashed, told I was selfish, accused of holding grudges because I referred them back to my original feelings about the direction they wanted to take. I was ridiculed and my intuitive nature was described as just a “gut-feeling.” They became upset cause I also called them out for their bad decisions and for not listening to me. They lost their minds and just refused to hear me out or allow me my space, no matter what I said. I was even told that if they could just buck up and carry on, I should be able to do the same. After I relented they eventually decided to just leave me alone and let me be until I am ready to carry on with the family matter. I realized that this wasn’t the first time my individuality was mocked or ridiculed and it’s made me quite sad and upset. I speak to them but my feelings were seriously hurt and I am not sure how to move forward with my relationships with them. I am angry and I am at my wits end because I don’t know how to get through to them or make them accept me for who I AM. I grew up in a family where we were forced to be a liner family unit, maybe even a cult of some sort. My late father was quite strict, had rules about how we couldn’t have friends and controlled everything. I see how they still want to uphold some of the rules and behaviours he instilled in us. We are expected to go home for holidays even though I’d rather be with my partner who isn’t really accepted because we are same-sex. There’s so much toxicity in my family it’s not even funny. Any advice on how to find the strength or willpower or energy to keep being who I know I am without needing to distance myself from them? Or maybe I am being too emotional?
Family can be the hardest people to set boundaries with because they are usually the ones who have been used to crossing them for our entire lives already! Stay clear and strong on where your boundaries are, if they can understand them that’s great, if not at least they should accept and respect them! Are you willing to change or adjust yourself so that you don’t need to distance youself from them, and if so to what extent? Is it worth it? Or could it be worth it to live with the consequence that they might distance themselves from you if they can not accept your boundaries?
What to Thank You for all your work you do for this spiritual journey . So grateful I found you Twins !! Thank You ! Love and light !
Honestly, this is almost the most painful experience I have had in my life, next to losing my son. In the past year, I have learned that I’m an extreme emotional empath living with a narc (again!), my beautiful memories of my childhood are actually what has set me up for my whole miserable life, everything that I believed was good and I wanted in life I never stood a chance to ever have and so much more. All of it has been overwhelming for me and the sense of fear and loss and disappointment and failure has forced me to this point where I’m so lost, I can not even express my self with words; I can not find an outlet that leaves me feeling like I’m on the right path; I feel extreme pressure of hurriedness, like I’m on a timer or have a deadline and it makes it even more difficult to be productive; time is moving faster than I can keep up with and when I look back, it bums me out to see that I have wasted so much time. And some other factors in my personal life don’t help either. I am down to no one in my life, no family, no friends, no one to talk to that understands or gets it. I’m a good person, woman, wife, mother, sister, friend, aunt; loyal to everyone. I’ve sacrificed myself for over 40 years, doing, saying, being what everyone wanted only for everyone to walk away without a reason or an explanation. Nothing makes sense to me anymore because everyone around me will not be honest with me…….I’m sorry, I’m struggling just to write this. I know that all of this is normal for what I’m wanting to do but, I don’t know, I guess I’m feeling like I’m not doing something right and I have no clue exactly what it is I’ve been doing wrong. The only solace I get is helping others get through their problems, issues, squabbles. I’m desperate for peace in my life because there’s so much hate, anger, bitterness, negativity, lies in this world and I don’t want any of it. I apologize if this presents as scattered and sloppy and with no point or direction; however, this is pretty much how I’m feeling. Bright side??? Yes, there have been many, including this website so thank you, I’m grateful to know that there are people who can assist me in identifying what I’m going through without judgment because the last two people that I thought I could depend on, the last two people that were in my life, the last two people that I thought would never hurt me……I had to cut out of my life. And one of them, I’m living with. So, as a result, I’m feeling even more self-conscious and unworthy. So, again, thank you for lessening the heavy load for me. It’s truly comforting,
Hi Lisa,
I’m sorry that you are having such a struggle but it makes me feel better that I’m not the only one feeling as you are. Relationships are tough in general and they are definitely more of a challenge when we are on this type of journey. Agreed it is hard to get to the needed solitude to calm your mind when you are denied solace in your own home. Having those severed relationships so close can feel like extraordinary weights on the soul. Especially when you have spent so much time nurturing these people through dark times. Even harder when you feel it’s your turn and they are unable to give you that support.
I’m sure you would agree that we wish for the support we have given to others but we know that these people could never meet our needs even if they tried. I feel like we are very similar in many ways and at least for me, I would never attempt to reach out to 99% of the people I’ve build relationships with for support because we are just not at the same place in our lives. Their guidance is misleading, self-serving, and grounded in the areas we are trying to escape.
Just know you are not alone in your journey and you are understood. I’ll spiritually hold your hand through these moments.
I like your comment about the guidance of others – how it can be mis-leading, self-serving, and grounded in areas that we are trying to escape. This so resonated with me.
I have found myself in a very dark place during the last few months and have looked to friends to hold my hand whilst I stumble and fall in the darkness. But I have found more often than not that they let go of my hand and give instructions as to out to get out of the darkness. When I fail to follow their advice they become critical, withdrawn, annoyed, and I feel more afraid and alone than ever.
I find myself holding my own hand (literally), soothing myself whilst I try to find my own way out of the dark and into the light and I fear that I am not enough, that I can’t do it.
Reading how you will hold her hand spiritually was so comforting to read…to imagine that someone understands, and is holding your hand, is just what I needed today. Amazing coincidence?
Thank you for that. I’m glad I offered some comfort to you at least in some way. I’m hope you understood that when I’m speaking of others being self-serving, misleading, and grounded in areas we are trying to escape, it’s not something they are doing with bad intentions. Truly they believe they are giving us what we need or at least what they believe is in our best interest, but how can they know what we need when they really don’t understand us at all? This journey we are on, as I have read, leads up to solitude and causes us to sever ties with those that are binding us to the life we are trying to escape.
We have so many attachments. So many things binding us to an unfulfilling existence. It’s hard to know where to look for pure direction. It’s natural to look to those that we love and respect for that extra long hug and a “you got this”, but it’s hard to see the struggle when we have gotten so good at hiding the pain and despair. The endless longing for something meaningful.
I often joke that the light at the end of the tunnel is a train getting ready to run me over. It does feel that way sometimes though. Life can feel like a train barreling at us at an unforgiving pace. Don’t worry though, you’ve got this and thankfully I have two hands, the other one is for you. I don’t know how it feels for you to think about someone on this journey holding your hand, but I know how it feels to me. It feels like a surge of energy to my soul.
This is going to be a hard journey for all of us but you’re not alone. Hopefully you have a better sense of direction than I do because if I’m in charge of the directions, we will definitely be lost :).
I am grateful to have discovered this website as it is just the thing I need at this time. I’ve been on the self discovery path for many years now
with several road blocks and detours. Recently I had lost my way again and reading some of your articles has really helped me realign with my goals and helped me to feel inspired to continue on my path. Much thanks! :)
I’m so happy we could re-align you back onto the path :)
I think this article has meant more to me than the any. This is a good spring board for me. I appreciate the instruction on acceptance of who I am, not who I am trying to be. For 40 years I have been the square peg to the round hole. I delivered myself almost 15 years ago, and finally NOW, this year, I am finally understanding myself more, realizing that it’s totally okay to love me and to accept me. The difficulty lies in forgiving me. This is what I need to work on. But the glimmer is there. For that I thank you for your wisdom. I appreciate it.