Deep down, we innocently believe that we can have complete control of life.
We’re taught that we can prevent bad things from happening to us if only we:
worship the right God, obey the right laws, eat the right diet, marry the right partner, move to the right neighborhood, get the right job, and so forth.
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We build fortresses of people, habits, and possessions that make us feel as though we’re in control because we sought them out and we built them.
So it comes as a terribly shock to us when some (or all) of these people, possessions, habits, and beliefs gradually – or all of a sudden – perish, leaving us barren and exposed.
In such traumatic circumstances, our first reaction is to numb ourselves, hate everyone and everything, or totally retreat from the world.
These reactions are understandable, and we all have them.
But what happens when life sucks – but we’re sick and tired of feeling bitter, angry, exhausted, and grieved all the time?
What do we do?
Table of contents
When Life Sucks (the Deeper Meaning)
One of the best ways to find immediate hope when life sucks is to recognize that there’s a deeper meaning to your suffering.
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There are two choices: to see your pain as totally pointless and meaningless. Or to see your pain as having a deeper meaning and purpose.
In my journey, I’ve come to understand suffering as the trigger that propels us into a spiritual journey.
Like diamonds that are formed under the heat and pressure of the earth, we have a seed of the Divine within us that only awakens after (1) some kind of sudden intense mystical experience or (2) some kind of serious trauma (aka. life sucks).
When life sucks, what we’re usually experiencing is a kind of Dark Night of the Soul where we feel separate from ourselves, other people, and life as a whole.
We may suffer from existential depression, self-loathing, or feeling alone and this darkness sparks a deep inner desire to find our Inner Light again.
Read: The Spiritual Calling »
What to Do When Your Life Sucks and You Want to Feel Better
I’ve been through some deep and dark spirals in my time – and I’ve witnessed many go through them too.
From cancer to divorce, abuse, chronic illness, betrayal, addictions, mental breakdowns, and the sudden death of loved ones, life can overwhelm us.
Deep down, we just want to be seen, heard, held, and we want the pain to go away.
I hear you. And I want you to know that you’re not alone. There is hope and life isn’t always going to feel this way.
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When life sucks, here’s what I’ve found has helped me and others feel a sense of hope and relief:
1. Reach out, talk, hug, and cry
Humans are programmed to be social creatures. But when shit hits the fan, our immediate reaction is usually to isolate, push people away, and spend time solely alone.
Don’t get me wrong, solitude is healthy in certain circumstances. But when we’re inundated by feelings of anger, grief, sadness, and fear, we need the loving presence of others.
Be it a counselor, friend, trusted family member, or even a pet, it’s crucial that you reach out and find a way to open up and release what you’re feeling.
You need someone who knows the art of holding space. If you can’t find anyone in your immediate circle, find a guidance counselor or therapist. Even cuddling your pet can be immensely therapeutic.
2. Letting go, letting flow
When we’re in pain, our first instinct is to fight, scream, kick, and resist everyone and everything.
But eventually, there comes a point where we exhaust ourselves – and the only option is to surrender.
When this point comes, know that it’s not a sign of weakness. Surrender or letting go, is a sign of wisdom and strength. Finally, the ego realizes that it must welcome healing.
Some helpful ways of actively letting go include:
- Breathwork
- Letting go rituals
- Journaling about your feelings
Read more: 42 Powerful Ways of Letting Go »
3. Find the hidden lesson
When we stop perceiving our misfortune as something happening to us, but something happening for us, our lives can change forever.
No longer are we feeble or powerless victims – instead, we become strong and hopeful.
Try asking the question, “What am I being taught?” Learn to reframe the situation and see the underlying opportunity available for you.
In other words, how can this source of pain help you to grow, deepen, and transform on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level?
Obviously, it can be hard to remember to ask this question when life feels especially dark and hopeless. It’s okay. This approach takes time. Just take it one step at a time.
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4. Release blame through catharsis
When we’re in pain, it’s natural for us to immediately look for “the one to blame.”
We may blame our parents, our partners, our children, our colleagues, our boss, our friends, society, and anyone or anything who we feel could fit the bill.
But the reality is that while blame feels good for a little while, it doesn’t fix anything. Pointing fingers is like feeding ourselves poison; it just makes us feel more horrible inside.
Try finding ways to release that anger in healthy ways such as through:
- intense exercise
- emotional catharsis (crying, punching pillows, screaming, laughing)
- creative self-expression
Choose one of the above practices and stick with it for at least one month.
5. Ask, “Where can I go from here?”
When life sucks, it’s easy (and totally normal) to get pulled into a vortex of doom and gloom.
In fact, we might get so bogged down within the chaos of these emotions that we become depressed, numb, and immobilized.
To avoid this emotional numbness from happening, do something – anything – to move in a different direction.
Ask yourself, “Where can I go from here?” What new direction can you take? What practical approach can you adopt toward your pain?
Examples of what you could do may involve:
- Listening to a guided healing meditation
- Choosing a morning affirmation to say each day
- Reading a nurturing book
- Taking a long and deep breath
- Going on a relaxing walk in nature (i.e., ecotherapy)
- Looking for a new job
- Making yourself a delicious meal
The point is to do something – anything – no matter how small.
6. Connect with your heart
When we’re in pain, the last thing most of us want to do is to connect with the heart.
In fact, when we’re suffering, the heart feels unsafe, dangerous, as if it could overwhelm us with unwanted realizations or feelings. And so we keep it shut down, numbed, and dissociated.
Don’t worry. It’s okay to not dive headfirst into the waters of your innermost being. This is intelligent. The mind can only process so much.
So instead, find small ways to reconnect with your heart. For instance, cuddle with your pet. Play a beautiful song. Sit outside and watch the trees and animals. Watch a heartwarming video of something on YouTube.
By connecting with your heart in even the smallest of ways, you are creating more inner balance, and welcoming in the healing powers of love.
When life sucks, the mind is the most dangerous place to live. The heart is always our safe haven.
Read more: 39 Self-Care Ideas For Those Who Struggle With Self-Love »
7. Create a safe space within you that can’t be taken away
Within life, the only certainty is uncertainty.
Everything is bound to change. Nothing remains the same. Life is so alive that the only thing we can count on is how uncertain and spontaneous it can be.
We don’t know what life will look like in one year, let alone one week, or even a day.
While this realization can feel deeply disturbing, it can also be liberating.
We waste so much time putting our faith and reliance in people, things, and mental constructs that, by nature, are destined to change.
So what’s the solution?
This is the questions that spiritual seekers have been asking since the dawn of humanity.
When all is destroyed, when everyone deserts us, when life feels desolate, what remains?
I have faced this question over and over again in life, and it’s what inspired me to co-create this website. We must all become lone wolves eventually, walking our own paths and seeking our own answers.
Deep down, we all possess a thirst and longing for what I call the Divine.
Most of us feel that “something is missing” – and when we go soul searching, we discover that what is missing is a connection with our Souls.
Creating a safe space within us means learning to reconnect with this inner Divine Essence.
For over a decade, we've strived to make this website a haven of free, valuable information. Imagine a world where this knowledge wasn't readily available. If this post sparked a meaningful insight or helped you in any way, please consider a donation as a heartfelt "thank you" for keeping this resource free. Every contribution, big or small, allows us to keep giving back.
$3If you’d like more guidance, I recommend exploring the following articles:
- Soul Searching: 7 Ways to Uncover Your True Path
- How to Start Your Spiritual Journey (7 Illuminating Steps)
- Feeling Empty: 5 Ways to Heal Your Inner Void
Take Care of Yourself
At some point in life, we all feel that life sucks. The future will feel empty, pointless, and hopeless – and it feels like we’ll never recover from our pain and traumas.
Just know that you have more strength than you think. You are an incredibly resilient being with so much to offer this world. Why else would you be here?
So, to conclude, take small steps. Practice self-love and compassion. Cuddle a pet. Reach out to others for help. Orient to love and safety. And each day, know that what you’re experiencing has meaning and a purpose.
I hope this article has helped to inspire some new perspectives. Please know that you are not alone and you deserve all the happiness life has to offer. If you have any advice to share, you’re welcome to leave it in the comments!
Whenever you feel the call, there are 3 ways I can help you:
1. The Spiritual Wanderer Course: Need "big picture" direction, clarity, and focus? Our Spiritual Wanderer course is a crystallization of 10+ years of inner work, and it can help you find your deeper path and purpose in life as a spiritual wanderer. You get 3+ hours of audio-visual content, workbooks, meditations, a premium test, and more!.
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This is about as laughable as it gets. My life really does fucking suck and I truly wish I had the balls to kill myself but I lack the will. 23 years old and suffer a massive stroke with no signs, no health problems, stayed fit to put it in perspective. I’m now 31 and my life is no fucking better I have no money a shit job cause I cant do anything that will make money, I will be alone until I die (hopefully sometime soon) I’ve watched too many of my peers have a wonderful life while I sit here and can’t catch a fucking break. Not 3 months ago I broke my ankle and now cause of my shit insurance I’m in crippling debt. Reading such bullshit about you can change yadda yadda makes my fucking blood boil. Maybe I can find someone to sell me the right kinda pills so I can just fall asleep and never wake up again, but my luck I’ll just be a fucking vegetable and burden another life with my presence. If I could light this world on fire I would.
Well whatever floats your boat lady bit really it’s better to spend time with compassionate people who can relate and not try to change your feelings on the matter what works for you may not work for them. Quite frankly this society sucks nowadays you are lucky if you have one intelligent conversation in life. Perhaps we should take a selfie that others can respond rudely to or call someone a bitch like they do on the bachelor life sucks isn’t even fun anymore
I think the sad thing is that the story doesn’t feel relatable at all.
It’s worse when you have nothing to lose and never had anything to lose in the first place.
Worse is when you feel even still there isn’t anything you would gain that could possibly make yourself feel better at all.
Life hasn’t been one tragedy after another for me. It’s just been a joke.
A really bad joke and I’m waiting for the punch line.
I see lights sometimes and I’m hoping if nothing else I can leave this place indefinitely.
There is virtually nothing I am holding onto.
Whenever I hear someone was just born, the only thing I manage to think is “poor little child, if you’d know what happens from now on, I bet you’d choose not to come”. Well, I easily would choose not to come if I knew life would be so awful. I hate living. Every day I hope it is the last one. Life is awful, and it gets worse each day on.
Hello Alexander,
i am sorry to say that I feel the same way about the poor babies who are born into a life of struggle and suffering, having damage inflicted onto them, “acting out”; and then passing on the favour in due course. When someone loses a baby or child, i feel that the child is in a better place, away from earthly suffering. Only those left behind are suffering, because they relied on the baby and her/his innocence to be the focus of their attention and to help life seem tolerable.
There is another plane of mentality though, that tells me that that attitude is not necessary, if the child can learn how to rise above the damage and find inner security and happiness. That is what I want to do, but i have no idea how to do it. It seems impossible to achieve. i feel so lonely and weak.
Actually, I sympathise wtih Jacinta about life sucking, due to my own failings and a lack of assertiveness/empowerment. I feel quite similar to her.
I feel better since giving up the struggle to keep working, but it is also a backward step, because i have a tiny income. I don’t have a life i.e. nobody wants my company and I don’t have a skill with which to earn money. I think of going on a holiday or a trip somewhere, but i know I would be even more lonely, away from my home. i know from experience that i will not make friends while I am away. If I thought I could be secure and happy from within, I would be off travelling like a shot, haha! Perhaps that is what jacinta could best try to do… I liked he suggestion about a holiday or trip to the beach, if she would not be more lonely that way. Also, the idea of learning a skill that could earn money. That would potentially give her a feeling of achievement, and possibly she would be mixing with similar people making a more exciting future for themselves, which would give her a positive reinforcement..?
Does anyone have suggestions of what sort of skills can be learnt and are useful for earning money?
I have heard of “coding” which i think means computer programming.
Er… there is copywriting…. proof-reading… interior design… er… any hand-made items, such as children’s clothing or pottery, wooden items…? Virtual Assistant? Animal trainer… become a counsellor? Personal Trainer, walking guide? House organiser/de-clutter-er, companion for the elderly. I thought blogger sounded good, but i don’t know how to earn money by doing that. Teaching English abroad gives you great adventures, but not financial security.
Why does life suck. – Internet question
Entropy. Clocks run down. Energy tends to it’s lowest point, etc. . .
Ultimately, your life may suck for many reasons. . . My studies of
existentialism, as a youth, indicate that existentialism’s advice is
to put your head down, and plow ahead. Try and find something that
interests you and do it. . .
Why are you isolated and alone, and nobody cares? Our society thrives
on isolation, the isolated individual is the perfect consumer. . . Neolithic
life was a life with the family, the tribe. . . Modern life is me, me, me.
Of course, if you are old, you are cast out of society. Nobody gives a crap
about old people. . . and let’s face it, most old people are as boring and
stupid as most people in general. . . Talk about isolation. . . The old are
the most vulnerable and most isolated population group.
Your basic advice, in your article, is rather trite blather. . . The question
itself implies a rather real mental conundrum that has no true answer. Nonsense,
like “faith”, or “belief” are empty words that our society has tried to elevate as
having some “reality”. . . When, in point of fact, they are meaningless methods of
controling ignorant people who have been conditioned to respond to such dreck.
I’ve known people who cured the “suck” of their life by snuffing themselves out.
While I don’t recommend that as a solution, I certainly can’t condemn it. . . There
may be circumstances where that is the right choice for that person. . . It is not
for me to say.
Some times the “suck” in many peoples lives boils down to depression, mental illness,
or real medical issues. . . Sometimes this can be treated, and sometimes not.
You can’t cure peoples problems with some hipster phrases. The question essentially is
as meaningless as our own lives. . . If your life is to have some meaning, then you have
to define that particular word. . . Two hundred years from now, almost nobody alive today
will be remembered for any reason whatsoever. . .
Cheers. -K
Our bodies were not designed for this world. We were designed for small communities and primitive lifestyles. With lots of physical activity and lots of social connection being necessary for healthy brain function. We pair bonded for life and there was no divorce, no marriage either. Life was simple. The village helped raise the kids. We were too busy trying to survive to worry about what to do with our lives and we all needed to bring value to the community or we wouldn’t have made it this far in life without dying. Our lives today mean little exercise little social interaction and a whole heap of arbitrary expectations to somehow lead a happy life doing things that aren’t necessary for our survival. No wonder so many of us are depressed as we are trying to be our own life authors. It’s made harder when so many seem to cope well in society, and the range between coping and not coping is as wide as the range between rich and poor. Our miraculous success as a species has come at a tremendous cost. Our biochemistry is sophisticated and our medical knowledge primitive so our solutions are basic and difficult. There’s no easy way to rise out of the hell you, dear reader, find yourself in. But I believe that you have reason to be hopeful. If you can mimic the lifestyle of your ancestors as much as you can, you can expect your life to improve as your body is exposed more to what its genes expect. That means you need to exercise, a lot. Every day, big walks or runs or whatever you can manage. I’m talking 5-20km. Eat less processed foods and what is (mostly) nourishing for your body (negotiate with yourself). Get a hobby that you enjoy AND has a healthy community around it. The hobby is a bonus, you need it to gather a community of like minded people, like our ancestors had. Keep your work life simple. As for an intimate relationship, go for someone who is easy to talk to, is your best friend, and is a happy person. Don’t settle. Don’t give up. There’s no evidence that live on the other side of death is any better, so work with what you have.
Yesterday, I decided to justgive up…quit trying. I read your article and am thinking maybe making some effort today. What do you do when you have no bus to hop into to go anywhere or no car? I live where there is nothing around and I really don’t think I can move again… I would love to figure that out….
Dear Barbara,
I would like to suggest, going every day on foot or by bicycle on a set route from your house. It is for the sake of having an activity that benefits your physical and mental health. You may not have much in the way of experiences with nothing around, but you will be fitter and you will see some things such as birds and the seasons passing and the effects of the weather on you. The fitness will aid your quality of life and the time can be used for such mental activities as meditation and practising anything you want to learn or even to listen to teachings or music or a verbal novel or film etc. I was told by the beneficiary of successful happiness therapy that we should not distract ourselves while doing a walking route, but i don’t see why not, if it helps you in some other way.
I remember a tv chat show host many years ago telling anxious people to go out wearing sunglasses and with a “walkman” (as they were then) to play music and walk to the rhythm of the music etc. I thought it was excellent advice and would make people feel more empowered.
Appart from the daily routine, I thought i woudl suggest going on a “trip” or holiday. This gives one a huge mental break and the effects can be very beneficial. You don’t even have to go very far, it’s just to take you out of your humdrum tedious lifestyle and thought patterns.
Make sure you have some activities to do, wherever you go. Some people, by contrast, prefer total relaxation and only have pampering, reading light novels, sunbathing and swimming in mind. I think they are the overworked mothers and career women. But many don’t have the full lives and don’t do enough. For them it’s better to be active, doing things that are different and exciting, to expand their (mental) horizons, as we used to say. It makes you feel more alive and the effects last a week or so, the stimulating memories much longer.
They say “a change is as good as a rest” and I can vouch for that, personally. Please “go away” if you can!
Im old. And life sucks. Why bother. Because it’s sucked so long. And now I’m old
I’m with Invisible Man on some ways. I too feel like I have the opposite of the Midas touch where no matter what I do, how I try to do it, it just crumbles to dust, ashes, particles or blows up in my face. It just never goes my way & I can’t catch a break. I’m heavily introverted, INTP, melancholic, Lover/poet archetype, slightly autistic with aspergers, dealt with anxiety all my life till I met depression in Uni 7 years ago, failed school, never had any real friends from anywhere, so alone I just come to the conclusion that I can’t ever “connect” with anyone on this God awful realm, OCD, paranoia when I get high to cope with my troubles, never worked a day job in my life, I’m 29, only son of my Dad who’s sick, never been in any intimate relationship or even had any casual flings, feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere or don’t belong on this damn planet, mother left when I was 18, younger sister considers me a “psycho” – tell me why I shouldn’t fool around & kill someone, then kill myself huh? I’ve been following your blog recently but the gravity of my reality is way heavy… Even for Atlas himself. I want off this existence.
Hello Kyptikaos,
I don’t know what the modern culture is like. I am middle-aged and feel that my life is over, but I never got to where I wanted it to be i.e. positive and exciting. For the younger generation, I feel sorry for them, because there seems to have been the “normalisation” of being cold-hearted, selfish, greedy and judgmental, all of which increases the iolation of each individual; plus the materialism, which is unobtainable, given the massive gap between salaries and living expenses, particularly housing. This all has its roots in the 1980’s with Mrs Thatcher’s beliefs and actions.
So there are bleak things about the surroundings to a person. Beyond that, one can have personal problems. I too have problems with being accepted as a friend and having not enough confidence to mix socially.
My Myers-Briggs is also INTP. There are things you can do, but i can’t pretend to have solved my problems, so i am certainly not lecturing you!
I talked to someone my age online who was devastated after losing her mum, as she had been her best friend. i would love to have had someone like that in my life, but i have never had that close relationship. Anyway, she said that after a few years of being depressed, she started to think of what made her happy in the past. She decided to start living around the things she liked doing, instead of having a career as the central point.
She doesn’t live a healthy lifestyle. She is overweight and drinks quite a bit socially, eats out and has take-aways etc (I don’t believe her when she says he has no money). But she is having fun and she has frequent beach holidays in hot places, too. Then her young adult son had a baby with an unsuitable woman, but the result for her was a lot of happy involvement with the baby’s life and supporting his parents. She has had some jobs, but didn’t keep them, after earning a little, to enable her next trip.
Some older women seem to get jobs easily. I think it’s because it was easier in my generation to get a foot on the job ladder. They know how to present their job history as being skilled and reliable, somehow. Not something I can do, because i don’t believe in myself.
So, as you can’t control the financial scarcities and selfishness of society today, I would suggest trying to find something to do that gives you satisfaction (not murder!) and try not to think of the bigger picture and the future. Somehow, if you have a positive attitude towards something that is beneficial, you might develop a way to make a living and even inspire respect or affection in others.
But, you can’t depend on others or on finding a career. You have to find a way to be immune to the barbs and arrows of other people and life in general.
Personally, the only thing that gave me a lasting “lift” in confidence was studying courses e.g. at college. Start low and try to get support for your anxiety. I believe there is a good chance you could feel you are achieving and going in the right direction.
There is the self-love route and also the assertiveness route and try looking into HSP theory – Highly Sensitive People. I think sensitivity can be a contributor to the amount of suffering in life. The other thing I have discovered is CEN – Childhood Emotional Neglect. That is a common type of upbringing that explains a lot of my current problems. Attachment theory can be something to look at. Some psychologists think it’s important…
But notwithstanding, you need to try to find a positive path. I used to chat to a man who had a terrible start in life. He said he loves himself and is happy with the way he is. He spends his time (on £ benefits, I think) with friends and greyhounds …. something to do with dog racing, i think. He only misses the interest of women for sex, now that he is older. So if he can find a way to be happy, it must be possible for all of us…
My acquaintance did a course called The Lightning Process. I am not recommending it. I tried to do some research, as clients are told not to talk about it. I think it consists of training in NLP. I found many testimonials, filmed by practitioners and some videos by the creator and one or two negative revews. But the cost is too high – nearly £700, plus travel and accommodation. My “friend” said it saved her life and she found happiness through it. She had M.E. and went from being barely able to walk, to going miles and miles and cycling even further, drinking kale smoothies and never over-eating for comfort, as she used to do. So perhaps you could look into NLP as a possible self-help therapy? It seems a silly idea to me, yet hundreds of Lightning Process participants have seemingly been helped by it. If possible, I would always suggest travelling, as way to get a big mental break out of the rut of your daily life. Even a couple of days’ camping makes a big difference. Some places have camping barns, so you don’t need a tent. Or get a job putting up tents, cleaning etc ready for summer holiday guests abroad… not if you get anxious or bullied/ostracised easily… not if it would make you feel more isolated and lonely, though. I think there are UK companies such as Keycamp, Eurocamp and a few others that do that. Take a hot water bottle, as you will be living in a tent in February and March. You won’t regret it!
Ohh. When the bad things hit and completely turn life become sucks, that’s really depressing. But when that time comes, i keep trying to be positive as possible as i can. I mean, look to another people’s life. You should appreciate every single good things that have happened and you still have right now.
I don’t know if this will be helpful. :
I’m reminded of an old Paul Simon song…
“…no good times, no bad times, no times at all…”
=============
My issues isn’t why bad things happen. My issue is why GOOD things DON’T happen.
Observation: Nobody dares to say how much of life is fulfilled by the decisions of others. Some of the most important aspects of life require someone else’s co-operation. If you have a job, somebody else CHOSE to hire you. If you have a partner somebody else CHOOSES to be with you. Doing the inner work and trying to keep a good attitude doesn’t mean much unless there is some kind of support and encouragement from the outside, sometime, somewhere, somehow, from somebody or something else. I think its called SYNCHRONICITY. If you go through your entire adult life as no one’s spouse, no one’s
parent, barely anyone’s employee, then what kind of identity do you
have? If you go through your entire adult life as a struggling wannabe, you generally won’t get invited to be a keynote speaker at trade conventions, write op-ed columns for prestigious journals or asked to take part in some exciting venture. We don’t get asked to much else either.
You don’t hear any sound advice when the A-B-C, 1-2-3, step-by-step efforts seem to fail; when the hard work, introspection and determination doesn’t “pay-off”, when doing all the right things (earning a degree, staying involved, trying to keep a good attitude, doing the inner work, being “pro-active”) are seemingly all for nothing. Nobody has any advice when the message from the outside that comes across in every important areas of life is “…sorry, don’t want you, don’t need you”. All you get are sermons and lectures on patience and acceptance mostly because nobody can relate.
If you are always true to yourself, do everything you’re suppose to do, keep your act clean, keep your conscience clear and end up with NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT, nobody has an answer for that beyond quizzical looks and shrugged shoulders.
I’ve spent my whole adult life “on the outside looking in” and I do often ask, “What am I supposed to learn from all this?” …and after 40 years I’m still waiting for an answer. I just feel extremely gypped and cheated, and its a tough one to slog through.
Hi TJ, I have the same situation and I have found that you must take your passions and turn them into a career, start your own business, hire the help you choose. Be the independent person you are and don’t ask for help for things you can do yourself. Don’t make the mistake of waiting for good things to come, create them for yourself. The lesson is you are on the outside looking in because that is not your life, you must create your own and invite others into it :) What an exciting challenge to create good things for yourself and others to enjoy.
Hi TJ, I can totally relate because I am also single, self-employed and struggling – and have been my entire adult life,whilst everyone around me has moved on in every area from relationships and having families, to promotions or moving abroad etc. (Although that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re happy either. Some of them envy me!) I wouldn’t say my life sucks, but it’s hard to explain the pain and frustration that stagnancy brings.
I confess I have no advice to offer really since nothing I’ve tried has worked so far! Perhaps this is all some very long-winded character-building exercise?! I’ve certainly learned an almost inhuman amount of patience and have developed a very philosophical view on things. I’ve also realised I’m a lot tougher emotionally than I ever thought I was or could be. In any case, I do believe that if nothing changes then nothing changes. So doing something different – anything – learning a new skill, diversifying into a related field, socialising with new people, moving to a new area, traveling more – will eventually create change or bring new opportunities. At least I hope so, since this has been my strategy for the last few years. Taking action helps me feel proactive and positive, whereas my previous tendency to wait and wallow and blame myself never got me anywhere and just made me feel rotten.
I have a few theories as to why the synchronicities aren’t happening and outside forces/people/opportunities aren’t intervening or appearing…
1. Not pursuing your true purpose in this life in terms of personal development and spiritual growth AND/OR being in a situation that is not for your highest good. I’m currently gaining new qualifications in my hobbies and interests to potentially earn money out of what I already enjoy. Perhaps this period of stagnation was necessary to lead me to do this? I have also returned to my meditation practice for renewed clarity, as such my dreams are once again very vivid and quite revealing.
2. Not being clear enough about what you want, regarding specific goals or outcomes. I have never been motivated by money or status, so I didn’t think that goal setting was applicable to me. All I want is to be happy – which entails the freedom to be me and do what I enjoy. Since I already have endless free time and few responsibilities allowing me to engage in anything that interests me (limited finances permitting), I was reliably informed by a therapist that I’d already achieved my goal in life. Huh. And yet here I am, reading this article, just as stumped as you are. Another thing – according to ‘happiness research’ human beings don’t really know what makes them happy anyway. Even more reason to try everything and remain curious and open-minded.
3. A lack of faith. I have become fiercely independent over the years feeling I had to do everything by myself because there was never any help. The sheer number of disappointments has hardened me – I have become a cynic! I recently started attending meditation classes again and it became apparent that my heart chakra is closed. I suppose I subconsciously put up walls which may be preventing me from attracting all the good things I want because crucially it needs to come from the heart. And here I’ve been repeating affirmations, visualising and meditating, yet all the while it’s been stuck in my head. Logic and rationality had overtaken intuition and I’d lost touch with everything. I now regularly talk to my guides and ask for spiritual assistance, apparently help is there if you ask for it. I am working on restoring my faith.
4. A lack of belief. When we’re unable to manifest what we want over and over, it can erode our belief causing us to shrink our desires and settle for less, rather than energise our belief. We may even start to believe that we don’t deserve to attain the things we want. I’d minimised what mattered to me as a defence against further disappointment. I am reconnecting to what’s really important to me, however, needing to see evidence before being able to believe is the curse of the rational over-thinker and stifles FAITH! Vicious circle anyone?!
5. Wanting to BE RIGHT more than BE HAPPY. I suppose I needed to justify the decisions I’d made my sticking doggedly to the path I chose 15 years ago, despite feeling more and more sad and disconnected. I’d convinced myself that perseverance would pay off, and I needed to prove myself right. I guess I haven’t wanted to admit defeat. But I’ve realised all I need to do is reframe it – I’m a different person now, what made me happy then doesn’t really do it for me anymore and in any case, the sacrifices are no longer worth it. It’s not about being right or wrong. It’s about focusing on what makes me happy now.
Apologies for the stream of consciousness. All this has been an accumulation of notions and observations that I’ve only recently been able to make sense of. I hope some of it helps. Good luck!
Thanks TJ. Here are my observations:
“My issues isn’t why bad things happen. My issue is why GOOD things DON’T happen.”
In my experience good and bad things happen.
“Nobody dares to say how much of life is fulfilled by the decisions of others. Some of the most important aspects of life require someone else’s co-operation.”
As the saying goes, nobody is an island. It is impossible to function in this world by yourself. To even survive as babies and children we need the support of another being. It’s definitely beneficial to be able to function with others harmoniously, but it isn’t always possible. And working with others doesn’t always mean becoming a sheep in the corporate world to get by.
“You don’t hear any sound advice when the A-B-C, 1-2-3, step-by-step efforts seem to fail; when the hard work, introspection and determination doesn’t “pay-off”, when doing all the right things (earning a degree, staying involved, trying to keep a good attitude, doing the inner work, being “pro-active”) are seemingly all for nothing.”
I’m not sure about you, but I’ve heard plenty of advice. That’s why the slogan of this entire site is “thinking differently, living differently.” Fitting into the cookie-cutter mold rarely brings fulfillment.
“I’ve spent my whole adult life “on the outside looking in” and I do often ask, “What am I supposed to learn from all this?” …and after 40 years I’m still waiting for an answer. I just feel extremely gypped and cheated, and its a tough one to slog through.”
I’ve learned not to wait for the lessons to hit me in the face, but to actively seek to understand them. Sometimes they aren’t always obvious, other times they are. But to me life doesn’t owe me anything, and I don’t owe anything to life. Why should it? You can drag yourself through life wondering “why me?” and make the experience a hell, or you can make the most of it while it lasts. Either way, it’s your choice.
I want to thank the people who took the time to respond however no one has really read the post
You need to explain yourself more clearly TJ.
Hey, Aletheia. What I mean is that 3 times I stated that “doing this or that makes no difference” and the responses were all; “…So doing something different…will create change” and “…you must take your passions and turn them into a career, start your own business, hire the help…”and “… you must create your own…”
All of these are canned, pat answers. For over 40 years I’ve been waiting for someone, somewhere to say something like ” Boy, it looks like you’re having a real hard time with this! I want to help you find out what does work for you…”
I read your post and I’m sorry if my response didn’t resonate. Perhaps I should have simply said – stop waiting for someone, somewhere to fix things for you. Trust me, I’ve spent years and years (and more money than I’d care to admit) seeking answers from self-help books, therapists, life coaches, healers and hypnotherapists to no avail. Admittedly, I learned more about myself and perhaps that was a necessary part of my journey. But at the end of the day the most they can do is give you tools to help you help yourself. The rest is up to you.
You could find a reputable life/career coach to chat to, although I bet they won’t tell you anything new. Or maybe they will? Try spending time reconnecting with yourself and looking within for the answers. Do you pray? Ask for spiritual assistance. Meditate. Take notice of your dreams, your subconscious may be trying to tell you something. I wish it were as simple as someone turning up and telling us what works for us, but that’s for us to figure out. How can we expect someone else to know what’s best for us? Ever noticed how the most successful people have very strong intuition and base their decisions on their gut feelings, rather than waiting for someone to come along and tell them what to do?
Sometimes perseverance eventually pays off (we might be late bloomers, who knows?!) but if you honestly feel like you’ve tried everything and given your all for years and years with nothing whatsoever to show for it, have you considered the possibility that you may not be on the ‘right’ path for you? True story: I knew someone who wanted to be a successful sax musician more than anything. He practised every day for several years in order to attend the best music academy in his country. At the audition they turned him down outright, because he simply didn’t have the muscularity to truly bring the instrument to life. It didn’t matter how hard he practised. He refused to accept their decision and pestered a famous sax player for a second opinion. He played one note before being told the same thing, there was no future for him as a professional sax player. He was devastated and hasn’t been able to play since. But eventually he realised it wasn’t meant to be and now he works as a successful business coach. Hence why I suggested diversifying, or trying something entirely different. In any case, stop waiting! It sets up a very ‘helpless’ energy, which is never going to attract good things. I wish you all the best, truly.
Seems to me that you are just lonely! I feel the same. What’s the point of everything if at the end there is no one there for you to truly understand and support your, to trully know you. Maybe we haven’t found our soulmates yet.
Well if i had a wife and family to share it with, it really wouldn’t be bad at all. Meeting a good woman these days is very impossible though, now that they have so many very high unrealistic expectations these days unfortunately.