Suffering from social anxiety is like tiptoeing along the edge of a very steep cliff.
The slightest look, the subtlest tone of voice, the smallest gesture that anyone does can set you off into a tirade of insecure, self-hating thoughts that make you shrivel up and fall back into the endless depths of your inner abyss.
As a person who has suffered a lot from social anxiety, I know precisely what it feels like to suffer from intense feelings of self-consciousness, awkwardness, and insecurity. Not only did I have a really severe phobia of speaking with others, I also carried around a terrible phobia of feeling judged and persecuted even when NOT interacting with people.
It is so easy to feel as though “you’re losing it” when you have social anxiety. I remember how intensely paranoid and claustrophobic to the point of hysteria I felt when walking through shopping centers and sitting in trains. My heart would race, my muscles would tense, my eyes would get glassy and my blood pressure would instantly shoot through the roof making me feel faint.
Does this sound familiar at all?
If you experience social anxiety the reality is that you’ll rarely ever feel a sense of joy or deep connection with others, and will wind up feeling very alone, misunderstood and socially isolated. When you are in conversations or out in public you might also feel:
- A sense of impending doom or dread.
- Paranoia that people are watching and judging you.
- Intense physical discomfort while talking with others (aching and strained muscles).
- A tight/tense voice.
- Sweating hands, chest, armpits, etc.
- A flushed face/blushing.
- Racing thoughts.
- Mental blanks.
- Palpitations or a fast heartbeat.
- Light-headedness.
- Flightiness.
- Intense discomfort when making eye-contact.
After conversations, you might also reflect on what you said, did, or how the other person reacted to you for hours and hours on end, nit-picking each and everything you did wrong and hating yourself for it.
Once again, I have experienced all of this many times before. But today, I am here to help you, give you an empathetic hand, and show you that it is actually possible to work through this problem with complete success.
Overcoming Social Anxiety
When I was plunged into the dreary depths of social anxiety, or social phobia, I struggled to get air for a long time. I was lost, I was alone, I was hurt and I was bitter. “Maybe YOU can get over social anxiety, BUT I certainly can’t,” I was prone to think as I read through success stories in books and internet articles. “I hate this feel-good bullsh*t” I also thought with resentment and undercurrents of despair.
The reality is that yes, there is a lot of really bad advice out there on the internet. I pretty much tried it all and failed so many times that I’m often surprised that I managed to break through. But there is also some really valuable advice out there which is worth exploring – and which I hope to provide you with today.
I have no way of guaranteeing that you will benefit from my way of overcoming social anxiety because we all have different emotional, mental, social and biological contexts. But please read what I share here with care. This is not cheap throw-away feel-good advice – this is hard-earned, blood-and-sweat, tried and tested gold which I offer to you openly:
1. The Deeper and Slower You Go, the Quicker You Heal
When you’re anxious you’re impatient, therefore it’s very difficult to approach your recovery with a “slow and steady” mindset. Likely, you will have a “quick and easy” mindset towards overcoming social anxiety right now like I did, but the truth is that there is no quick-fix. Sure, you can stop and meditate for 15 minutes every day, but to make deep and long-lasting changes you need to go-against-the-grain and be willing to consciously set aside an immense amount of time for your recovery. Overcoming social anxiety can take months, even years, BUT remember that the deeper and longer your commitment is, the more profound your healing will be.
2. Work on Evolving Within First
When I suffered from social anxiety I focused a lot on developing my outer world and appearance: I wore nice clothes to be more appealing to others, I worked on being more charming, I wore attractive makeup, I learned social etiquette and taught myself about good body language. But all of these changes were on the surface; they were superficial. When you work on evolving inside first, on changing your inner thoughts, perceptions and beliefs, you experience a lot more depth of change.
Inner work is a path of growth that starts with developing self-awareness, followed by the paths of:
- Self-exploration
- Self-discovery
- Self-understanding
- Self-love
… and finally self-transformation and self-mastery later on. All of these paths are non-linear, meaning that they are all interconnected and weave back and forth as you grow. For example, you might be learning to love yourself while simultaneously focusing on exploring your core beliefs in the spirit of self-exploration. But all of these paths are absolutely vital for your recovery.
3. Understand, Accept and Love Your Imperfection
Understanding, accepting and loving yourself are all tied in with the inner work journey, and yet I wanted to explore them a bit more as they are all so important. The truth is that you must learn to forgive yourself of your flaws, failures, ugliness, imperfection and awkwardness before you can really heal. Exploring everything you hate about yourself also means exploring everything you love about yourself (no matter how little). Perhaps you love your sense of humor, style, artistic talents, kindness or other trait or talent? It is imperative that you reprogram your mind to find the good in you before you accept the bad in you. You can do this by keeping a self-love journal, by rewarding yourself every time you succeed in something, by quiet meditation or reflection, by daily morning affirmations, and many other routes.
4. You Are Just as Worthy and Valuable as Everyone Else
A big issue I had was fearing people because I felt like I was “below” them, “unworthy” of them or somehow unequal to them. This however, is a major illusion of the mind. The truth is that no matter who you are or what your background, race, sex, culture, ability/disability, socio-economic status is, you are equal. You are just as worthy and valuable as Oprah, you are just as worthy and valuable as the Queen of England, you are just as worthy and valuable as Brad Pitt, you are just as worthy and valuable as any single person in the world no matter who they are, how attractive they are, how popular they are, or how rich they are.
To truly understand this is empowering.
5. Expose Yourself to Situations That Make You Uncomfortable
Yes, it sucks. I know. But I can also tell you that it is 100% of the time worth it, no matter how anxious you end up feeling, or how badly you “fail.” When you courageously face your fears you are immediately rewarded with a feeling of pride. Instead of continuing to sabotage your own happiness you are actually doing something to make yourself stronger. There is nothing as tragic as cowardly giving up on your opportunity for growth, even though you know it will make you happier and stronger. Slowly exposing yourself to uncomfortable situations or people is vital.
6. Feel Your Feelings, Listen to Your Thoughts, Let Them Pass
This point requires the development of self-awareness. The more self-aware you are, the more ability you have to recognize the onset of fearful feelings and cycles of obsessive thought. You suffer so much because you resist your thoughts and feelings, but when you learn to recognize them, feel them completely, realize they are not truly “you” and let them pass, you are liberated. Meditation and certain shamanic substances like cannabis and psilocybin mushrooms, when taken in the right conditions, with the right people, are excellent ways to increase your self-awareness about your tendency to fight against uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. (Of course, ensure that these substances are legal in your country/don’t conflict with any of your medications before taking them.) Read more about non-resistance.
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7. How People Treat You is a Reflection of THEM Not YOU
If someone is malicious, judgmental or unkind towards you, that is a reflection of THEM not you, because the way they feel about themselves directly determines how they feel about you. Why does someone like the Dalai Lama treat people with kindness and genuine love? Because he treats himself with kindness and love. Similarly, self-hating people treat others with hatred and bitterness, and insecure people always judge others severely. Learning to see beyond a person’s behavior into their hidden pain can help you immensely in this regard.
8. Continue Reaffirming Your Self-Responsibility
It is SO easy to fall into self-victimization. That is partly why I left social anxiety forums and dropped the “I’m a social anxiety disorder sufferer” label – they just did me no good. When we blame others for our misery we immediately refuse to take responsibility for ourselves. In reality, it is completely up to US to heal ourselves, no one else (even therapists) can do this for us unless we are first willing to do it for ourselves.
9. Reconnect With Your Personal Power
Social anxiety is often a wake-up call begging you to re-examine the roles you play and the masks you wear. Those who experience extremely sheltered or repressive environments as children often grow up suffering from social anxiety.
One of the most powerful things I’ve ever learned is that our natural state is to be raw, wild, and powerful. But early life experiences often stifle our vivacity and liveliness – especially if we had wounded parents who couldn’t stand that we represented what they lacked.
We all have a wild animal inside. What is yours? I have a wolf inside (who sometimes transforms into a lioness), and working with this energy has helped me tremendously on my journey to overcome social anxiety. When our personal power has been locked within a cage deep inside of us, we often feel small, frail, and in need of other’s approval. I recommend reconnecting with your personal power by going on a journey to meet your inner wildness. What face and form does he/she/it have? Journal with this wildness, dialogue with it, ask it for guidance and help. Use ritual, sigils, and archetypes to help you in this process. Eventually, you will integrate this lost part of you and social anxiety will lose its grip on you.
***
Lastly, learning how to ground myself, participating in forms of catharsis (like exercising), and cleaning up my diet have all helped me to overcome social anxiety.
How has this article helped or inspired you? Do you have any recommendations or stories to share about overcoming social anxiety?
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06You wish anyone cared that much about what you do
I just wanted to thank you for giving me hope ..Im in too much pain right now and no one really understand but i feel that im not alone reading your articles
This is the most powerful and sincere writing about SA I have ever read! It made me cry. Thank you so much! I will keep exploring the site and the links in the text.
Yes I know what it is like to live in a world of anxiety. Most people in my life do not believe in past lives like I do. I even know who I am in most of mine. some one recently asked me could they still get into heaven as a believer in the Lord and still be in a homosexual lifestyle at the same time. He is a very nice guy with bright glowing eyes. Was not sure how to answer so I would love your responses. All l told him is everyone who calls upon the Lord will be saved. Could I have answered that better? Please no debates on this. Just seeking friendly advice.
Thanks for the article. It’s ironic because people always tell me how great of a conversationalist I am, how comfortable I make people feel, etc. They have no idea the inner introspective activity that goes on. When there’s breaks in conversation or silence my mind races to say something. I’m very aware of myself, my body language, my facial expressions, my tone of voice, the way I laughed or didn’t, what I should do or say next, etc etc. I feel I’m always being watched in public. Which I should like I guess, I’m a music producer/performer. But I don’t like it. It’s insane…but I come off calm and collected so no one knows. Bathrooms often provide a moment of reprieve at parties. A moment to take a deep breathe and collect. The first weeks of dating someone new is inner chaos until I feel I’m accepted and can be myself. I wish I wasn’t so self aware/self conscious…and that right there is probably the though I need to work on haha. I liked this article and can clearly relate. Thanks for the tips.
Once Upon a time i only talked 3/4 people a week.As a person who suffered from anxiety a lot, I NOW FIND MYSELF LOT MORE RELAXED and not getting uptight like I use to. I now go through my day in a more relaxed manner and I find myself with more energy as well. So what changed me? I didnt change overnight, it was a gradual process and I suggest you start now. This is how it happend ,i purchased a LOT of self-help books on the internet, some were useful and some were crap, but reading self-help books changed my BELIEF SYSTEMS, reading a self-help book for 30 mins per day was like a 30 min hypnosis session, so imagine 30 min for 30 days!!! It had a massive effect on my life, EVEN THOUGH I RARELY APPLIED THE TECHNIQUES OUTLINED IN EACH SELF HELP BOOK I READ IS STILL REACHED THE CHANGE I WANT IN LIFE BECAUSE LIKE I SAID BEFORE READING HAS A HYPNOTIC EFFECT. So in conclusion…reading self help books was my CURE, so i strongly recommend you, if you suffer from SA, to start reading today! and the link below leads to an EXCELLENT SELF… Read more »
Hey Aletheia, I have social anxiety to a degree. Its not like Im shy and closed off, I actually try to interact with people. But most of the time I just feel like what Im saying isnt funny enough, isnt interesting enough, etc. About being funny, yea Ive always had an issue with that. I make people laugh every now and then, and I try to never be funny in a way that can hurt someone. And just like you said in the article, yea I mostly feel misunderstood most of the time. Or that I cant connect with people. Im 14, and Ive been through a lot early in life. I don’t think the same as kids my age, most of the time Im not superficial, so I try to make conversations about the important things in life, not about gossip or what this person is doing. Im friends with teachers, and even adults sometimes its hard to find something to talk about. I don’t know, when I was little, I was a social butterfly. But my experiences changed me. And so now I’m socially anxious. What do you suggest I do?
what I find strange is that people have always called me “social” and I know I can be, but sometimes I don’t feel that way and being in the middle of a large crowd or group of people (ie. malls, concerts, busy restaurants, etc) always makes me uncomfortable
Thank you for this great article. Although I am getting better in it, I still struggle with the feeling I am less then others. Especially when I read an article about someone who is doing what I would love to do or when I talk to colleagues who have achieved so much. Then I feel minnor to them, like I am not doing the best I can. But then I start thinking: do I really want to do what they do? Because that would mean more stress and less free time… Why do I feel I have to do more? I can not figure out wether it is because I (myself) really want it, or is it because the world as it is now expects everybody to life to the max? But what if I don’t want to life that way? I consider myself an old soul born in the wrong time. And with that I mean I don’t like profiling myself on social media, I don’t walk around attached to my phone all the time. I love learning about teas and herbs. I love spending time in nature, I enjoy making complex things easier. I do not understand how… Read more »
I’ve read this in tremendous detail and I really enjoyed every second of reading it. So powerful and so very true. Even the worst of days and moments and experiences shape us somehow for the absolute better. I JUST LOVE READING THESE ARTICLES!!!!! This is even better I must truly and honestly say this is much better than going to a therapy session. Sometimes to be honest it can be definitely a waste of money. But this is different it’s so beyond the norm of course it is but what I’m saying I LOVE THE PEOPLE these humans who have taken the time to create. The dedication for websites like this. I’ve mentioned and commented like this before. But I cannot truly thank people enough like this who DO THIS! IT HELPS A TREMENDOUS HUMONGOUS, LOT. Blessed souls indeed. Thanks once again for yet again an incredible READ!! So insightful so powerful so beautiful! When there a websites and places like this online and in this earth. I’m truly thankful to be alive and proud to human when I see things like this. Magical indeed xo much love to both the creators of this website. Much much love and bless… Read more »