You feel the pressure throb in your veins. A lump rises in your throat as your colleagues watch you closely. They are expecting an answer. They are expecting you to comply. Every fibre of your being wants to scream “NO I CAN’T.” But as if possessed, you automatically smile sweetly and say, “Yes, I’ll do it, thanks for asking.”
WTF is going on here?! Why can’t you just say “no,” and walk away?
If you’re like me, people-pleasing has run havoc in your life. It has crushed your spirit repeatedly. It has robbed you of peace of mind, personal empowerment and the courage to follow your goals and dreams. It has hit you while you’re down and dragged you through the dirt. It might have also contributed to chronic issues in your life such as anxiety disorders, depression, addiction or co-dependency.
So what exactly is people-pleasing … and how can we heal the root cause of it?
16 Habits of People-Pleasing Personality Types
At some point or another, we have all struggled with people-pleasing. After all, as social creatures, we are prone to peer pressure and the desire to fit in. But there is a big difference between the desire for acceptance and people-pleasing. People-pleasing is not just a once-in-a-while foible: it’s a daily struggle.
Here are 16 common habits:
- You struggle to say “no”
- You find it hard to be assertive and voice your opinions
- You’re hyper-vigilant about perceived rejection from others (always on the lookout)
- You’re an emotophobe (you fear negative emotions)
- You’re excessively altruistic/philanthropic
- You often suffer at the expense of doing a favor for others
- You have a weak sense of self and poor interpersonal boundaries
- You become emotionally dependent/co-dependent when in relationships/friendships
- You’re addicted to approval from others
- You have a neurotic desire to be liked no matter what
- You feel shattered for days or weeks when someone criticises you
- You have low self-worth
- You act based on what “other people think” of you
- You always put yourself in other’s shoes, but you rarely show compassion towards yourself
- You blindly believe in other people’s “goodness” even if they are clearly abusive towards you
- You fear losing control of yourself because you repress so much
It’s also said that people-pleasing can form a bridge to other conditions such as borderline personality disorder and social anxiety disorder.
Why Being “Too Nice” Can Be Dangerous
Obviously there is nothing wrong with being nice. But having the neurotic desire to be nice is dangerous for a number of reasons. Here’s why:
1. You suppress A LOT of emotion
Inevitably, wanting to be loved and needed by others all the time results in suppressing tons of uncomfortable emotions. I’m talking rage, hatred, bitterness, annoyance, grief and stress — anything that is contrary to the altruistic image you crave to portray. You might not be conscious of repressing these types of emotions, but rest assured, it comes with the job description. You can’t give yourself entirely to other people, deny yourself, and expect to feel fine and dandy in the longterm.
Suppression of emotions eventually results in physical or psychological breakdowns. Many chronic mental and physical illnesses are fuelled by the neurotic desire to please others.
2. Extreme pressure to “keep up appearances”
One of the worst things about constantly being nice is the extreme pressure you feel to constantly maintain your self-image. It feels good constantly being on people’s “good” sides. It feels good to avoid negative feelings and get the spotlight for being a saint. But this addiction comes at a price: chronic stress. Often that stress is imperceptible, but it’s always there, always demanding that you keep your mask strapped on even though it might be suffocating you.
3. People use you
When you’re a people-pleaser you open yourself up to abuse. Narcissists, energy vampires, bullies and other types of wounded people are drawn to you like fresh meat. Having weak boundaries, low self-esteem and the insatiable desire to please makes you the perfect “use and abuse” target. And unconsciously, you like feeling needed and wanted, so you unwittingly continue the toxic cycle.
It’s just like what the famous Eurythmics song “Sweet dreams are made of this” says: “Everybody’s looking for something. Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to get used by you. Some of them want to abuse you. Some of them want to be abused …”
4. You have the intense need to be in control
At first, people-pleasing might come across as a selfless act. But people-pleasing is actually a selfish act because you’re trying to control someone else’s reaction towards you by behaving in a certain way.
In fact, people-pleasing is more about the desire to be in control than it is to please other people. Wanting to be liked by others is just a symptom of the desire to be in control because deep down you feel powerless or worthless. This is why people-pleasing is so exhausting — it goes against the flow of life, and takes so much effort to maintain.
5. No one really knows the “true” you
Keeping so much locked inside of you for fear of being disapproved of makes you extremely guarded. In fact, if you’re a people-pleaser you might fear for instance, getting drunk, because all of the secret thoughts and opinions you have might come to the surface. In other words, you’ll no longer be in control of yourself.
When you’re a people-pleaser no one really knows the “true” and authentic you — they only know the facade that you present them with. Unfortunately, this desire to be loved and approved often backfires, making you feel more lonely and disconnected as time goes on. Eventually, you wind up feeling “invisible” and “unseen,” even if you are constantly in the spotlight.
How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser
Naturally you might be wondering right now, “What can I do to stop this?”
Let me tell you, there is so much bad advice out there. And the solution to overcoming this addiction (because it is), is NOT pulling the middle finger at everyone.
I don’t condone the “fuck you” approach because it’s immature and reactive.
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Instead, I recommend the harder-but-wiser approach of:
- Taking responsibility for your happiness
- Learning to be assertive
- Actively feeling and accepting negative/painful emotions
- Learning to find self-worth WITHIN, not without
I have linked an appropriate article to each of these four points. Click on whatever point you feel that you most need to work on.
As someone who has struggled with a people-pleasing personality (Enneagram 9, MBTI: INFJ by the way), I know how self-destructive this trait can be. Because of this need to be accepted by others, I have suffered intense periods of anxiety and chronic pain, not to mention tons of repressed emotions for years.
But the first step to overcoming this problem is to shift your focal point from the outside world, to the inside world. Eventually, with time and practice utilizing the points above, you will be able to say sincerely and openly “I am enough unto myself” as I now can.
Any tips or advice that you have about this issue are welcome below.
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I’d much rather struggle to say yes than no
Thank you for writing this! A fellow enneagram 9, INFJ here. I didn’t know this was really a ‘thing’ until recently, but you nailed. Glad to know there are others out there and more importantly, a way to correct this!
Luna, I disagree with some of the things you wrote in this article. I hate drinking culture and I hate people’s obsessions with doing stupid and boring things that don’t align with my own values, such as the getting drunk. If a person hates the idea of getting drunk, that has nothing to do with people pleasing. There are people who don’t enjoy drinking alcohol. My idea of fun isn’t doing stupid and lame things like getting sloppy drunk and saying stupid things under the influence of alcohol. That’s not my authentic self because that behavior isn’t compatible with my own values. My authentic self is my sober self and I’ll gladly speak my mind about my opinions, values, beliefs and preferences. If someone behaves in a way that’s disrespectful toward me, I’ll use my assertiveness to put them in their place and tell them that I won’t tolerate their disrespect. Although, I occasionally like the taste of some fruity alcoholic drinks, I don’t enjoy the idea of getting sloppy drunk and doing or saying stupid things under the influence of any drugs or alcohol. That’s not being authentic, in my opinion. I agreed with almost everything else in your article, but that part didn’t agree with me.
Luna we have so much in common! Every time I read your articles I feel like you’re talking about my life.
I’m also an INFJ. It took me years of healing to finally stop being a people pleaser. For me it was part of a survival method. My mother is a narcissist. The only way to keep the peace was to keep her happy.
After my spiritual awakening I went through a huge dark night of the soul. It was like God opened my eyes to the truth. I started see all of the toxic people and situations I was in. I tried to have a relationship with my mother with boundaries. It was impossible. I’ve lost my little brother from suicide. My sister slowly killed herself. My older brother is just like my mother. My father tried to do his best to protect me but he couldn’t handle my mother. He was an alcoholic. He would stay sober for years only to go back to drinking. He was the perfect scapegoat for my mother.
I’ve been working with a psychologist who does hypnosis. I’ve been doing a lot of age regression because there are so many gaps in my memories of my childhood. I disassociated as a defense mechanism. To this day I can leave my body very easily. I think that the hardest thing to accept is all of the sick and twisted shit that I thought was normal. I’ve dived deep into shadow work. I am finally loving myself and setting boundaries with everyone.
Right now my mother and brother have turned all of my family against me. They are afraid of me telling everyone all of the lies. I won’t lie that it doesn’t hurt sometimes. Especially when people won’t even talk to me when they are angry with me. I can’t be angry either because it took a lot for me to realize how sick my mother was. I try to share any good information I get about narcissistic abuse. Unfortunately the mental health system doesn’t know a lot about narccisissts and narccisstic abuse. It is a deadly form of abuse. Narccisissts are really good at hiding their true natures.
This is exactly what I am experiencing right now with my mom. I tried to love her from a distance didn’t work. Then she caught Corona virus I called to check on her and she told me to stay out of her life. Prior to this I hadn’t heard from her for 5 years after having a what I thought was sort of toxic but decent relationship just because we still talked. Now it is all over. Hopefully… Good riddens
I had lost my mother in this April who was a narcissist and my husband this oct who was similar. I am realizing I held everything in for so many years that after thier passing I find that I have a lot of bitterness and I found myself talking bad about them to people. Which makes me feel so guilty for doing it afterwards that I beat myself up so much. I don’t relealize I am doing it till afterwards . This articule has helped me a lot. The best I read so far. Thanks
Omg, Are your stalking me?
Thanks for sharing I had a narcissist mother , husband so I became a loved to be loved nice person that’s suffered ultimately by the need to please because of the abusive experience so now it’s time to unlearn this symptom of niceness to become more relaxed and free from the need for approval and on with my journey I’ll go stay blessed
Enneagram 9 INFP here. Ugh.
Never seem to be good enough for any man ( Or is that just me perceiving that I’m not making them supremely happy with all of my efforts? ). Very sensitive to any criticism and can’t seem to reconcile that with their “love” for me. I can feel hurt for days over a disagreement.
I don’t want to have a “fuck you” attitude, but I think I need to have the attitude of “this is what I want, who I am, what I need” and let the chips fall where they may.
Off to read more…
Every word in this article has resonated with my experience.Once i looked back,i could corelates with my image of people pleasing .
At the same time while I was going through this article -habits of people pleasing it gives me immense satisfaction that i have come out of it.
I would like to add few points which might be helpful for others. As you rightly said,the solution lies in turning inwards and taking
responsiblities for our own happiness.This is exactly what i inculcated.Gradually,i developed good habits such as meditation that helps me in turning inward.During the
course of journey in meditation ,i became aware of my own dark side-i became aware of my limiting belief that was suffocating my soul.The more i bring in acceptance of my own feeling ,the more i stayed comfortable in my own company.Bring acceptance and staying with it,not judging , is the way to our well being.Thanks a lot for spreading inspiring words.
I want to thank you so much for writing this. I had stumbled on your sight for a total different reason. When I received an email from your page I clink on it and it brought me to an article and that brought me to this article. I don’t think I have ever read something that was so much about me as this is. I feel very in touch with you. I am not use to knowing people who are like me. I don’t have a lot of friends because I am like this. I try and block myself off from the outside. Thank you so much for writing this I have also downloaded your book. I will be following you on FB.
I relate to this, there is a lot I see of myself in your article. although I have broken threw a lot of hoops to heal myself, I had a narcissistic mother and I married someone just like her. it took getting divorced to find out really who I was under all those layers of guilt and not good enough for them . I stick up for myself now , no longer a victim. I actually like the person I am now.
I can relate strongly to this. As a man it makes me feel especially cowardly and weak trying to please everyone. Now im learning to accept feelings of anger and hatred towards others. As a result my strength is coming back. One difficulty ive had is when ive been wrongly accused. Ive either laughed or not been able to show anger so people come to believe these bullshit stories and im not fucking putting up with it anymore. I hope anyone else here does the same. Dont let people use you, dont let people wrongly accuse you.
Looking back I can hardly believe the damage I’ve done to myself trying to please others – it reminds of the Ricky Nelson song Garden Party – you can’t please everyone, so you might as well please yourself.
Former people-pleaser here. At some point, the yes-person realizes the fruitlessness of trying to please everyone and moves toward greater authenticity. Besides, once the person eventually moves past the initial fear and tastes authenticity for the first time, the person may never want to go back to people-pleasing ever again. It’s THAT liberating.
People pleasing personality is complicated to me. Unfortunately, in my family and society, it has become a part of growing up, of being adults. You have to do it because that’s what it means to be responsible adults.
I tried though, I tried so I can be accepted just like other nice people. But I can’t, I simply can’t. You struggle to say no, I struggle to say yes. The good intentions often come out harshly. I’m too stubborn, or even too arrogant, to agree. Sometimes I feel guilty for it.
So I guess I have the same struggle, only from the other end of the issue.
Interesting. Both spectrums struggle with the same problem: insecurity and the desire to protect oneself from harm. But the expressions are different. I hope this has stimulated some thought though, Ika!
same here :)
Assertiveness is always punished, establishing one’s self worth comes at the cost of retaliation, exposing the painful truths about the love, that never was.
Assertiveness is punished on occasion, but this punishment can only truly harm you if you BELIEVE that you deserve to be punished. This requires strong inner resolve, to realize that nothing people say or believe about you is actually true.
This was a very good article, but I agree with Willow’s comment about assertiveness, punishment and love that never was –
My Narcissistic female parent re-wrote the will disbursing Dad’s hard-earned estate to exclude me, when it became apparent to her that I was not a little boy that could be controlled and exploited, as my younger GOLDEN brother could.
Just yesterday I had my another anxiety attack exactly because of this habit. Today I get this article in my e-mail. Now I know the way out. I just hope I’ll succeed following it. Thank you.
I have faith in you Sigita. Now all you need is to have faith in yourself. xx
These Dreams: Whether yes be no or no be yes, the show goes on, I guess.
What has also worked for me pretty well in the past year is just setting up stronger and stronger boundaries. Learning to say no, after 29-30 years of being a people pleaser, yes woman and so on. I always thought that people took advantage of me, but the fact is that I let them do that. When I can just say No now.
Setting strong boundaries and learning to say “no” is important — in fact, VITAL for people-pleasers. After awhile, when you have mastered this ability, it’s also important to learn how to open back up again selectively and mindfully to people.