It sounds absurd doesn’t it? Why on earth would anyone want to be deliberately miserable?
Why would ANYONE want to be a deliberately unhappy person wallowing in their misery? Doesn’t that go against our essential nature of wanting to be happy?
When I first heard Sol mention that people can be in love with their misery I wasn’t convinced – it just didn’t make any sense to me. That was until I discovered the truth for myself: reflecting on my own life, I have discovered a shocking and uncomfortable truth. Many times I have actually perpetuated my own despair – not consciously, but unconsciously – because I have been deeply invested in my own unhappiness.
Since then I have been able to stop unconsciously sabotaging myself; reprogramming those parts of my mind that seem to seek out intentional misery.
But what about you? Perhaps you were attracted to click on this article and read up until this point because deep down you suspect something is “off,” or something just isn’t “right” within you which you just can’t understand or haven’t discovered yet? If so, I hope a new doorway of understanding can open up in your life today.
3 Ways You’re Invested in Your Own Misery
Our unconscious minds are vast and profound; they host both the greatest hidden gifts and the most profound dark elements of our nature. Are you ready to honestly explore a potentially “dark” part of your identity? Are you willing to be uncomfortable for a little while? Your discomfort will reap the deepest long-term rewards.
1. You Believe That You Have to Suffer to Be Happy
In the last month I have written a couple of articles on the importance of exploring your core beliefs. One very common core belief that a lot of us carry deep inside is the following conviction: “I am bad, therefore I must suffer to be happy.” Other variations of this core belief include, “I am unworthy,” “I am unlovable” and “I am sinful.” At first, you might think that these core beliefs sound stupid or ridiculous – surely you don’t feel this way! But this is a very common response that I also experienced, later realizing it was a knee-jerk protective reaction. I encourage you to read more about core beliefs later to understand what I mean by this (I guarantee that you’ll be surprised and a little disconcerted by what you discover).
One of the most common psychological complexes involved with believing you have to suffer to be happy, is the Martyrdom/Victim Complex. Martyrs believe that sacrificing their needs and desires will eventually pay off, but it doesn’t. In actual fact, the Martyr/Victim uses self-sacrifice as a way of avoiding self-responsibility and deflecting blame onto others for being perpetrators of their pain – when in actual fact they are responsible for their own pain.
Ways that the Martyr/Victim invests in their own misery is generally by attracting an abusive and toxic partner or friend into their life who they feel they must “fix” to make these people good so they will appreciate them. As we know, it is impossible to change another person unless they are first willing to change themselves, and so the Martyr/Victim is stuck in a never-ending cycle of self-abuse as they continue allowing their partners or friends to abuse them.
2. Suffering is Exciting and Stimulating
We grow up surrounded by drama and every day we surround ourselves with drama. Whether it be our choice of TV shows or movies, friends or companions, lovers or partners, or workplaces, we have the large drama monster lurking in the shadows of our lives almost constantly. Let’s face it, gossip and bitching can be exhilarating, shouting and screaming can be electrifying, and moping and mourning can be addictive. Why? Because it stimulates us and shakes us out of our conscious sleepwalking state. It makes us feel alive. It brings back excitement into our lives – even at the expense of sacrificing our own peace.
I once recall someone telling me that “peace is boring,” as though it is some kind of brain-dead state of decay. Which leads me to ask you, how do you feel about being completely serene? You might like the idea at first, but deeper than that you might be harboring some mistaken beliefs about what “peace” really means, and thus might be unconsciously trying to “escape” it or avoid it in your life. Which leads me to the next point …
3. Without Suffering You Would Be Lost
I believe the deepest reason why we are deliberately invested in being unhappy people is because without our misery who or what would we be? We seem to feel on an unconscious level that we would be left with a big fat nothing if all of our dramas, problems and complaints ceased. What would our lives look like? For most people, this thought is unimaginable and because it is hard to understand, it is feared. Thus we continue investing in our unhappiness because it prevents us from experiencing that big, scary unknown “hole.” But actually that hole is what makes us whole.
Do you have the guts to let go of your prized dramas one by one and step into the unknown? Are you willing to stop feeling “special,” “victimized” and “separate” in order to welcome in the immense fulfillment and liberation of being “one” with everything?
If you have the courage to put in the hard work – rather than expecting an immediate solution – you will build the foundations of a liberated life.