Weird title huh? How can an empath be a narcissist? … It just doesn’t sound possible.
But it is.
Empaths by definition are supposed to be so finely “tuned in” to others and their feelings and thoughts that they can literally experience firsthand (or secondhand) what it’s like to be another person. Narcissists, on the other hand, seem to only care about themselves and their own needs and interests, appearing to be devoid of concern for others.
But here’s the thing: being an empath doesn’t necessarily mean that you actively feel empathy towards others. And being a narcissist doesn’t mean that you don’t have the capacity to feel what others feel on a mental and psychological level.
When most of us think of narcissists we tend to picture obnoxious, extroverted and self-obsessed people, on par with many Hollywood celebrities. But did you know that there are actually two types of narcissism: the overt and covert? Overt narcissists are typically thick-skinned and openly conceited. Covert narcissists, on the other hand, are generally shy, sensitive and introverted. However, both share similar traits of a lack of concern for others, obsessive self-interest, blaming and criticizing, dishonesty and manipulation.
Finally, this article was written in the interests of self-exploration and self-growth, not as an actual medical diagnosis. Fortunately most empaths are empathetic, but if you suspect that you may harbor any borderline or obvious traits, you’re free to keep reading.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to learn more about being an empath, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
10 Signs You’re an Empathic Narcissist
For most of my life I strongly believed that I was a kind, patient, caring and empathetic person. This idealized self-image I had created for myself only served to mask the real truth of who I was: that of a self-centered wounded egomaniac who couldn’t truly empathize with others. Don’t worry, I’m not “dissing” myself – it’s the truth! And you know, sometimes I still can be self-centered, but I have improved a great deal since then. By the way, this breakthrough from unempathetic empath to empathetic empath was greatly assisted by Sol who shook me up and put the mirror of Clarity right in front of me.
Since then, I’ve come across a great deal of (what I would consider) empathic narcissists. And yet, at the time of writing this article I’ve never read or actively found information on the topic. So I guess this article is a first!
The greatest danger of identifying as a straight-out empath is that it can blind us to our darker underlying traits. Unfortunately we tend to assume that just because we’re sensitive and can “feel” what other people feel, we automatically become empathetic people who can truly understand and feel compassion/concern towards others.
This is absolutely not the case at all. And in fact, I believe empathic narcissism is more pervasive than we think.
Now, I’m not here to demonize narcissism. In fact, as one lovely wolf commented beneath my last article, narcissists can be like angels in disguise. Narcissists are catalysts of change in people’s lives: they stir up all the old wounds, scars and shadow elements in a person and force growth. Many awakened narcissists (i.e. those who have become self-aware) are also sincere about changing their patterns of behavior. So if you think you may be a narcissist, or have been “diagnosed” as one, just know that this is a “safe” place for you to come out and express your perspectives.
As I mentioned in my last article, covert, or vulnerable narcissists, are sensitive and introverted by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, they overcompensate by creating idealized images of themselves (this is where identifying as an “empath” comes into play). Empathic narcissists tend to believe that they are a victim of everyone’s feelings and thoughts because they feel them so strongly, yet have little genuine tenderness, understanding or compassion towards others.
The essential difference between empathetic empaths and narcissistic empaths seems to be that empathetic empaths permit themselves to feel vulnerable, thus are open to developing empathy for others. On the other hand, narcissistic empaths seem to deny or avoid feeling vulnerable due to their low self-worth, thus are closed to truly caring for others.
Below I’ll narrow down some of the most common symptoms narcissistic empaths experience:
- The tendency to seesaw between acting superior to others and feeling hurt
- Feeling more special and fundamentally different from others
- Intensely upset and offended by any sign of perceived (or real) criticism
- Inability to take responsibility for one’s actions and feelings resulting in constant blame
- Frequently becoming completely consumed in one’s own personal affairs to the point of forgetting about others
- Self-martyrdom as a way of manipulating and controlling others
- Feeling that no one can understand one’s “unique” problems
- Always feeling victimized by the world/life/other people (e.g. others “attacking” you with their energy)
- Perceiving others in extremes (e.g. demonizing a person, or thinking they’re an angel)
- Inability to understand, or blatant lack of interest/regard for the alternative beliefs, upbringings, social conditioning and mindsets of others and the way this impacts their behavior
A couple of days ago I read an article that stated: “All empaths have empathy, but not all people with empathy are truly empaths.” However, everything I’ve seen, heard and experienced has shown me that this is incorrect. In reality, not all empaths have empathy. There is a big difference between feeling an emotion as your own (as empaths do) and actively stepping into the shoes of, understanding, and developing forgiveness and acceptance for another (empathy).
The Awakened Empath eBook:
Written for the highly sensitive and empathic people of life, Awakened Empath is a comprehensive map for helping you to develop physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual balance on every level.
What to Do …
Not all narcissists are the same, so there is no black and white here. While some seem to be biologically programmed (born that way), others develop narcissism due to environmental and social conditioning factors. For this reason, I can’t speak for all narcissists. Thankfully, there is a lot of evidence that narcissism can be lessened and often even healed. There is no “one size fits all” solution for empathic narcissism, but a great place to start (in my experience) is the cultivation and development of Self-awareness and Self-love.
Shadow work inevitably fits into the process above after self-love has been developed. Personally, all of these steps, as well as being in the presence of an extremely (and shamelessly) honest partner, helped me to cultivate more empathy. But the process can be very long, so have patience!
Your Thoughts
What’s your opinion on empathic narcissism? Are you struggling to genuinely empathize with others despite your identification as an empath? You’re welcome to start a conversation below!
If you would like more clarity, support, and guidance surrounding this topic, please check out our empath book.
Note: When I write about “empathic narcissists” I am referring to a narcissist (or borderline narcissist) who believes themselves to be an empath. Please keep in mind that I am only writing about one type of narcissist here, the vulnerable or covert narcissist. There are also more extreme and violent narcissists that have traits which overlap with antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy – I am not writing about these types of narcissists at all. Due to the sensitivity of vulnerable/covert narcissists, it is easy to idealize themselves as empaths (this is only one of many idealizations). Although this is a touchy subject, I believe it’s important to explore any illusions we may or may not have about ourselves.
I relate very much to your article, and thank you for sharing so honestly. Although I’m not formally diagnosed, I believe I have vulnerable narcissism. I often find myself listening to other people’s problems…. this is something that leads to resentment, yet it (oddly) also makes me feel superior. I used to honestly believe I was empathetic and helpful, but then a counselor I was seeing for depression addressed this problematic behavior and it made me reflect deeply. Thank you again for posting this. It is great to have an article that isn’t slamming narcissism
Wow I was wondering if I could be both… I know I have empathy for others and i know i feel the emotions of others…but I also have narcissistic traits as well. It is kinda strange to say. I really enjoyed this article thank you..
I don’t identify as an empath but do see feelings , intentions in mostly eyes and social cues. I am by a board certified physician diagnosed as having Borderline Personality disorder. I see similarities in Idolizing, devaluing if triggered by pain as a defense. I even when applying rational mindfulness still experience deep emotions very black and white. How do you love me if you hurt me thoughts when I can see the rationality of why the action wasn’t actually rejection of not loving me. When I see both rational and irrational reality becomes confusing and because I can’t trust I will chose the proper response to what is actually the reality of the that situation I then either freeze or move into flight mode. I honestly am willing to accept whatever it is I have grown to become . Borderline has answered many many questions for me but I don’t understand why I see and feel good and back when others at times have not and I feel it is involuntary and truly wish to either train myself to trust the true reality or learn to not see anything more than what those around me see. I don’t need anymore information than the good word of a person and no conflicting glimpses in their eyes to cause me to fight my intuition.
wow…I’ve been busy reading Lots on narcissism and npd lately due to having more experience of it than I could ever have imagined..it began because of an ex (covert) narc ..and Sooooo much began to fall into place that I realised a matriarchal member of my own family is Exactly the same as him and that for our whole lives it’s been put down to ‘you know what she’s like’ and everyone dealing with her in our own ways…what I Have thought is that there has to be sub types of the two subtypes…ie…a covert ‘sexual’ narc whose sole purpose in life is using sex as a tool to control and boost their own self..or an overt ‘empathic’ narc who uses learned how to fake empathy as a means to hide their true selves…a covert empathic narc would be a difficult type to spot without serious knowledge of the subject I’d say simply because the learned behaviours used to mask the truth are ones which garner most trust and confidence from another…so a C.E.N would surely appear absolutely angelic selfless and without fault…until you look deeper…these are just two of the sub subtypes I’ve thought might actually exist but I’ve only ever read You as having a similar opinion on the subject…I think narcs have an innate ability to learn behaviours they covet as tools to mask their inner self and fool you even better…I’m sure a non empathic narc could imitate more than convincing empathy…like everything else’good’ about them though it’s all fake…empty words with only one real action behind them…fooling people…
Ie…homeless person in the street…narc says aw I Hate seeing this and gives the guy a tenner…and you see empathy…but…yes narc hates seeing it but only because homelessness is offensive to them..dirty begging bastards is the inner thought as he hands over the cash but outwardly is Saying’ oh mate I feel for you it’s so cold..get some food bud etc etc..here’s a scarf that was in my car to keep you warm …totally mirroring the things someone with real empathy would say just with a totally different feeling inside and a completely different agenda…you think to yourself what a lovely guy he’s genuinely caring to those in need and Bang job done…empathy fooling completed with empty words grudged gestures and inner loathing for the homeless guy while seemingly being So caring/lovely/charming/empathic/selfless etc etc…
Although narcissistic personalities are all too similar there’s also big differences and that’s the sub subtype..what their modus operandi is has been carefully honed just the same as everything else they are…
Overt narcs could also learn to fake empathy but it would show as a more grand gesture with an obvious amount of self back patting so copious amounts of people get to know how great they are…they would recount the story to many many people…needing the awe of lots to feed their need for feeling important and admired…
I could honestly go lots of different directions with sub subtypes but I’d love to know what other people think…
My biggest struggle is seeing in no identifiable pattern in persons or situations with the exception to the intention of my personal wellbeing glimpses in the eyes of periodic people who I encounter in person never on video, phone, etc I see in probably less than a second and it’s not all the time their eyes tell me the emotions and intent contradict what they are saying and how they want to present themselves as. I guess I see a wolf in sheep’s clothing in regards to I then feel they do not have my personal wellbeing in mind. I encounter many who do and majority seem to be neutral as they are not obligated but are not bad for that as we can’t care for everyone’s personal wellbeing as it’s not realistic so I only feel the sudden fear, and flight response if it is someone I have a seemingly mutual desire to protect as I expect to protect me. Also, I experienced an uncomfortable revelation that I live through the happiness of those I perceive to share a mutual protective instinct of me as I do them.
One common trait I’ve seen in people who are empathic narcissists: they can’t handle it when other people have intense emotions, so they work hard to people please and “make the other person happy again” so that they don’t have to be confronted with the other person’s feelings anymore. I think that intense feelings in others often triggers the empathic/covert narcissist and makes them have to face their own deep, dark feelings, which is deeply painful for them. Since they often have issues with regulating their own emotions or dealing with them in healthy ways, they will do their utmost to avoid getting triggered. This people pleasing is something they learned in childhood. It stems from childhood attachment trauma, where the parent(s) wasn’t emotionally available to them as a child and didn’t model how to be with one’s emotions, and where it perhaps the child learned that emotional outbursts in a parent/caregiver = an unsafe environment for them to be in (i.e. a parent who took their anger out on the child when they had issues would not create a safe environment for the child). This is why they also become codependent in adult age. The parent(s) of the coverst narcissist most likely didn’t know how to have healthy relationships either, so the coverst narcissist probably learned this codependent behavior from them. Another thing that can be common in such unhealthy families is enmeshment, which is another aspect of codependency where a parent is enforcing a way too close relationship with their child. Such a parent might not give the child enough privacy and might also overshare their own adult troubles with the child (and a child IS NOT capable of dealing with adult issues in the way an adult should be). Sadly, I’ve met many young men who turned into people pleasers because of their mothers’ enforced enmeshment. Whenever I hear “I have such a close bond with my mother, we talk about everything and often I listen to her problems as well” or “I’m so very close with my mother, I couldn’t live without her and we talk every day” I often get the vibe that this man has experienced enmeshment and that the boundaries that should have been in place in early childhood perhaps weren’t. I also experienced this with my mother as a little girl, btw.
Reading this, I finally admit I have more narcissistic traits than I realized. Thankfully, I’ve already started the road to recovery and this really helped illuminate times of late where these traits got away from me.
I had prolonged trauma and was homeschooled. I’ve been mentally ill since I was 12 and at 27, though I’ve made so much progress in the last year, I’ve realized how non-functional I’ve always been, though I put on a good face for most of my 20’s. Thankfully, my biggest problem–identifying emotions–has gotten a lot better, and I realize how much I don’t know and don’t understand, and therefore can begin to build the life of a normal person.
That’s what I think it ultimately comes down to for any dysfunctional person: You just don’t understand so much, but also don’t realize you don’t understand. A normal person can come to me and say, “You’re safe now.” But it doesn’t make sense to my brain because I don’t know what that feels like. I can suppose that to be true–but I don’t feel it at all and my brain can’t compute it.
I’ve found in the process of my recovery that things click eventually, but feeling safe around others, feeling love, feeling like I can be myself–those things still evade me. Everything else I’ve discovered is inside somewhere, looking a little bit different than I expected, so I hope to find the rest of myself soon.
Thanks for this. I think it’s a tricky topic to tackle and most deny the “victim” in a situation can be anything but innocent of the proceedings; and the other person, evil and irredeemable. This was so much more balanced, and delicately approached.
Thank you for sharing value competent information.
This is me. Love is the answer, I thought halfway through reading this. I think narcissism can be always healed, always. Self love must be cultivated. It’s a full time job from here on! I no longer want to be this person
ADROITNESS
I think I found the answer…well I feel it applies to me and i’ve been questioning if im actually a combo. The personality is ADROITNESS its associated with emotional intelligence and lots of other good things but also shares a lot of elements of psychopathy.
Its a neutral personality – which is what happens when you combine positive empathy with negative narcissism …neutral.
Ive been wondering if I’m an empath who doesn’t have feelings….feelings were drummed out of me as a child. I can see things from someone else’s shoes, Im compassionate, will hurl myself in front of someone who is being attacked and is in trouble and don’t like the thought or to see anyone feeling sad, angry scared, frustrated etc I want to see people happy and do what I can so they are – but I don’t actually feel these feelings myself…I can read people an situations and am pretty good at predicting outcomes, I do rely on this to get where I need to be faster and easier or avoid completely but i’m very conscious of my actions effecting others this is what guides me…Alegria’s post says what i’m trying to describe better..
Adroitness seems to dance dangerously close to the psychos – scientist believe the same parts of the brain do similar things…the difference one hurts people and is for personal gain and the other is not….kinda like a nice & friendly manipulator lol
All in all I think its cool to be a neutral personality because it this personality type that is happy to prove no one is perfect and 100% good… no one is all bad either ..theres gotta be some good in everyone…
Do Neutrals have less of a reason to hide who they are because they are both sides but neither one or the other.. does being nothing mean you are everything…hmmmm
Everything you said was very accurate and true, I have memories from when I was 3, and I know what events caused significant trauma that I suppressed from an early age, but I remember questioning someone’s personality to myself and from then on I felt like I had lost my mother forever because she needed and wanted him more then she wanted me, so instead of accepting or having the ability to understand it, I became narcissistic
After having a conversation one night the word narcissistic was mentioned. I wasnt truly sure of the definition so I googled. Wow! Everything I read made so much more sense of my relationship with my partner. He was the narcissist, I was the empath. However the more I read I thought to myself, even though I identified with the empath role I feel I also have traits of a narcissist! I’m still trying to process… Its very new to me and what I do next overwhelmes me….
Excellent article and I think the missing component here is parental modelling and childhood emotional neglect. Damaged people are complicated. Damaged HSPs are even more complicated than non sensitive types. Narcissism and empathy exist on a continuum. We may behave narcissistically due to lack of good upbringing and can definitely un-learn these behaviours. We can feel empathy but fail to have the words or actions to demonstrate that empathy. This is something we can develop for sure as we heal and learn that self care so we are not running on empty. Finally all humans have the capacity for selfishness and/or self-centredness. The best way to find a balance is through self compassion and self care which allows us to blossom into people who care for and show compassion to others.
I think I fit this description…its like we we were born empaths but spent our childhoods desperately trying to learn and practising how to be a narcissist – when that didn’t work we started mimicking them …its not who we are really we just wanted somewhere to belong …by the time we see the truth when were older its hard to workout which bit is what and what is ourselves what’s someone else what are missing and what we have too much of and what’s recoverable and what’s gone forever…..its all mixed up – maybe thats who we are a mixed up muddle of complications
I think to call a narcissistic person an empathic narcissist; the author means cognitive empathy and not an emotional one. Narcissists do not have emotional empathy and compassion. I met both covert and overt types and unfortunately, this disorder is incurable.
I am an empath, and very often ,I used to attract all sorts of narcissists until I learnt how to use my empathy, compassion and forgiveness without being taken advantage of it by narcissistic people. So, if you meant a cognitive empathy to understand the other person well and to know how to hurt more painfully and effectively, then I agree. Narcissists have empathy. I think most of them do, otherwise, they would not be able to learn their victim’s vulnerabilities.
I ended up here because i feel like I’m loosing my mind.
Its kind of a long story but…..
I’ve always been sensitive and “dramatic” been torn apart between the desire to call a spade a spade and the desire to keep the peace and not hurt anyone. I have a really hard time putting my foot down.
My family is wonderful…but we’ve had some issues. They like to buy/get things for my oldest child that put my youngest child at risk.
The most recent was a Chinese lantern for (their room) with led lights that need batteries. My oldest child has severe ADHD. He takes things apart, doesn’t pick up, and often leaves things out. The meltdowns are grating when we have to take things away and we just try to prevent them. They share a room and to me that means the room should be SAFE for both of them.
I was ok with the lantern but said no batteries because my youngest is 2 and sensory seeks by chewing on things. I was ignored.
Well, what id feared came true the other night. My oldest took the lantern down. Tore it apart. And batteries were no where to be found. I found out later my husband had taken them out and put a flashlight in it. But the anxiety of what could have happened and the anger of not being listened to…..and the guilt over feeling angry left me reeling.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. We’ve never hosted before. Normally we go to someone else’s house. That gives me time to…prepare(?) Breathe. Relax. Brace myself. This year that didn’t happen. I was still cooking when everyone showed up. I went from feeling relaxed to feeling….cranky stressed, and bitchy for no real reason. My aunt made a play house out of blankets in the boys room and i was irritated at not being asked (i had safety concerns) and knew it wouldn’t have mattered because i would have been ignored. The vibe i get when i try to say no is instant….and its physically uncomfortable.
I could feel the weight of everyone pushing on me. I felt anxious and sick. Then the guilt for being easily irritated for no reason was crushing. I was all over the place. I ended up falling asleep on the couch because it was all too much. I couldn’t say goodbye. I couldn’t fake happy. I couldn’t do it.
At first i thought….im burning out. Living with another adult who isn’t part of my “safe people” has been draining. Having visitors more than normal has been draining. Plus the stress from my life in general. I spent most of tuesday in bed with a headache so bad from it all i was physically sick.
Then….i started worrying that really I’m a narcissistic and selfish person. The thing i never wanted to be after being abused by two…..because im torn. I want whats best for my kids….and ultimately me above the feelings of others but i can’t put my footdown instead my feelings just get wonky and anxious.
So…here i am.
I understand this article wholeheartedly. However, one point I wish it would have touched more on is becoming a narcissist due to environmental conditioning. I have always been an empath…..I just don’t want to be anymore. I feel everything around me and it is emotionally exhausting….I don’t have time for my own thoughts and feelings and self discovery because I deal with everyone else’s. I have tried so hard to help others get better and find the healing they need that I find my patience and meantal acuity has waned. I have only recently been deciding to not give in to the empathy I feel. When others take you for granted and keep needing more and more guidance, reasoning, and emotional support with zero progress you cannot persist. I chose to give in to my narcissistic tendencies I was feeling inside to protect myself. I am still empathic to those whom truly warrant it, but for the ones whom drain us empaths….I choose to say no more and me first.
The key is self care and self compassion – self compassion meditations, taking down time to just drift and be with your thoughts, creating a life of balance so that you feel able to support others happily for periods in between self support and self care.
After having a conversation one night the word narcissistic was mentioned. I wasnt truly sure of the definition so I googled. Wow! Everything I read made so much more sense of my relationship with my partner. He was the narcissist, I was the empath. However the more I read I thought to myself, even though I identified with the empath role I feel I also have traits of a narcissist! I’m still trying to process… Its very new to me and what I do next overwhelmes me….
Ok. I’m in a relationship with a person I suspect is a covert narc. So I’ve been reading. Thing is, I have alot, well, some narc traits. Fewer then before therapy, but there. I also have empath traits! I want to rescue, I want to give the love I never had. I do feel other’s feelings and genuinely care about them. But self centered and egotistical? Yes. The thing is, my friend seems to be both as well, and we flow back and forth, trading roles between empath and narc. It’s crazy. I love her dearly. She is my best friend. Understands me and cares for me like no other. But needs constant reassurance and attention and blames me if she is not getting her due. Is there hope for us? Cans we recognize and grow? I don’t know. I’m war weary.
I’m ~shook~ by this article because it describes my inner thoughts eerily accurate. I’ve always been a highly sensitive empath, something i’ve known but denied (as I feel it is a weak trait and hinders/slows me down). I’ve never been able to explain how I can feel others emotions so deeply yet half the time it’s with understanding and love, whereas other times I feel no compassion and have used it to manipulate others. This contradiction in myself has always haunted me but this article is giving me clarity to things I’ve never been able to put into words before. I checked 7 of your bullet points in the article (as a covert narcissist) yet I also know I’m truly an empath and feel the weight of everyone. Thank you so much for providing some clarity.
I am a social worker, definitely an empath and I had a relationship with what turned out to be an NPD who would swing between covert and overt. I have also read up extensively on the topic and have found some information on people who cycle like that a bit like bipolar disorder. Anyway in my effort to get well I discovered codependency, now In doing so I was forced to examine my helping was it enabling? Was it adding to my ego about myself? It was hard to face a life of helping others could have actually been for self fulfilling reasons but this is what codependency taught me. I addressed each trait of codependency I had and worked hard at living my same life but with a new perspective. So I believe that my empathy is now operating the same but for the right reasons and not wrong. So my conclusion is that what you are calling a empathic narcissist is actually a codependent empath. By working on codependency issues this person can move to healthy empathy,
Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.
Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another’s position.
The two contradict one another, you can not be a narcissist and an empath. Believing so is cognitive dissonance. By definition, it is not possible for a narcissist to perceive other’s emotions. A narcissist can fake empathy and mirror back empathy; however, it will be strictly simulated.
I think this is a shallow view describing a “full-blown” narc.
My understanding is there are 9 traits related to NPD and one only need meet 5 of them to qualify. Moreover, it is a spectrum disorder. There are also different types of people with NPD. Those in the covert category may especially experience emotional attunement–and debatably empathy–with others.
I’ve been digging into the topic of narcissist my step father who has raised me since infancy, since I could remember has always had anger issues sometimes lead to physical but mainly mental abuse I have come to the conclusion he suffers from NPD, but my question is could that have affected my mother in any way so that she became narcissist. At times it seems like she genuinely cares and does things out of love. But most times when my father get mad it because of something minute that my mother says and when I look back with sometimes it seems that I have almost lost memory entirely of those horrible days I feel as though this has been accuring my entire life and now that I am out of the house this has started to happen to my brother who is 15 and living in the house not as severe as it was when I was small and not as frequent but almost like flashbacks. What would my mother be considered? Some times I feel like she has almost adapted and conformed to his way of living. She deals with chronic migraines and depression I would also like to know if they could be associated?
Your mother sounds like a codependent and enabler, and perhaps an “empath” too.
Some people think that empaths can pick up somatic manifestations of pain like problems in the body. Or it could just be related to the chronic stress of living with an abuser.
I’ve been grappling with my narcissistic traits for several months and recognized them as mostly vulnerable/covert. What I could never reconcile was that I also have some codependent traits too–I find it hard to sit with others’ upset feelings and am often people-pleasing.
Today, I found myself listening to a podcast about empaths and was shocked to find how much this described me. I wondered if I was confusing the “walking on eggshells” I experienced growing up under another vulnerable narc with some sort of “pure” empathy. And I sensed something additional in my experience — seeking to tame the discomfort of being tuned-in with others negative feelings through control, perceiving them as slights and launching into defensive postures. And how I sometimes use that emotional attunement for manipulation.
Thanks for writing this and for getting it. Every time I read about narcissists as empty shells of human beings–instead of traumatized people with a complex and divided relationship to actual “higher” selves and the vulnerability required to inhabit them in the world–I go back to square one, questioning whether this matches up with my inner world at all. It’s so much more complex (and I feel like that often gets lost in the writing because of how critical it is for victims of narcs to stop understanding and get on to their own important boundary-setting and healing).
I have been thinking about this more and it seems more obvious the difference between the covert narcissist and the empaths is that the covert narcissist tends to become absorbed in the needs of the self while the empath tends to become absorbed in the needs of the other, right?
Currently theorizing that either response (when exhibited outside healthy boundaries) is rooted in trauma–possibly just a manifestation of hypervigilance (perhaps “genuine” empaths exist too due to an abundance of social neurons?). But what causes a person to go one way or the other? Is it whether they deflect or absorb shame?