Weird title huh? How can an empath be a narcissist? … It just doesn’t sound possible.
But it is.
Empaths by definition are supposed to be so finely “tuned in” to others and their feelings and thoughts that they can literally experience firsthand (or secondhand) what it’s like to be another person. Narcissists, on the other hand, seem to only care about themselves and their own needs and interests, appearing to be devoid of concern for others.
But here’s the thing: being an empath doesn’t necessarily mean that you actively feel empathy towards others. And being a narcissist doesn’t mean that you don’t have the capacity to feel what others feel on a mental and psychological level.
When most of us think of narcissists we tend to picture obnoxious, extroverted and self-obsessed people, on par with many Hollywood celebrities. But did you know that there are actually two types of narcissism: the overt and covert? Overt narcissists are typically thick-skinned and openly conceited. Covert narcissists, on the other hand, are generally shy, sensitive and introverted. However, both share similar traits of a lack of concern for others, obsessive self-interest, blaming and criticizing, dishonesty and manipulation.
Finally, this article was written in the interests of self-exploration and self-growth, not as an actual medical diagnosis. Fortunately most empaths are empathetic, but if you suspect that you may harbor any borderline or obvious traits, you’re free to keep reading.
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If you would like to learn more about being an empath, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
10 Signs You’re an Empathic Narcissist
For most of my life I strongly believed that I was a kind, patient, caring and empathetic person. This idealized self-image I had created for myself only served to mask the real truth of who I was: that of a self-centered wounded egomaniac who couldn’t truly empathize with others. Don’t worry, I’m not “dissing” myself – it’s the truth! And you know, sometimes I still can be self-centered, but I have improved a great deal since then. By the way, this breakthrough from unempathetic empath to empathetic empath was greatly assisted by Sol who shook me up and put the mirror of Clarity right in front of me.
Since then, I’ve come across a great deal of (what I would consider) empathic narcissists. And yet, at the time of writing this article I’ve never read or actively found information on the topic. So I guess this article is a first!
The greatest danger of identifying as a straight-out empath is that it can blind us to our darker underlying traits. Unfortunately we tend to assume that just because we’re sensitive and can “feel” what other people feel, we automatically become empathetic people who can truly understand and feel compassion/concern towards others.
This is absolutely not the case at all. And in fact, I believe empathic narcissism is more pervasive than we think.
Now, I’m not here to demonize narcissism. In fact, as one lovely wolf commented beneath my last article, narcissists can be like angels in disguise. Narcissists are catalysts of change in people’s lives: they stir up all the old wounds, scars and shadow elements in a person and force growth. Many awakened narcissists (i.e. those who have become self-aware) are also sincere about changing their patterns of behavior. So if you think you may be a narcissist, or have been “diagnosed” as one, just know that this is a “safe” place for you to come out and express your perspectives.
As I mentioned in my last article, covert, or vulnerable narcissists, are sensitive and introverted by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, they overcompensate by creating idealized images of themselves (this is where identifying as an “empath” comes into play). Empathic narcissists tend to believe that they are a victim of everyone’s feelings and thoughts because they feel them so strongly, yet have little genuine tenderness, understanding or compassion towards others.
The essential difference between empathetic empaths and narcissistic empaths seems to be that empathetic empaths permit themselves to feel vulnerable, thus are open to developing empathy for others. On the other hand, narcissistic empaths seem to deny or avoid feeling vulnerable due to their low self-worth, thus are closed to truly caring for others.
Below I’ll narrow down some of the most common symptoms narcissistic empaths experience:
- The tendency to seesaw between acting superior to others and feeling hurt
- Feeling more special and fundamentally different from others
- Intensely upset and offended by any sign of perceived (or real) criticism
- Inability to take responsibility for one’s actions and feelings resulting in constant blame
- Frequently becoming completely consumed in one’s own personal affairs to the point of forgetting about others
- Self-martyrdom as a way of manipulating and controlling others
- Feeling that no one can understand one’s “unique” problems
- Always feeling victimized by the world/life/other people (e.g. others “attacking” you with their energy)
- Perceiving others in extremes (e.g. demonizing a person, or thinking they’re an angel)
- Inability to understand, or blatant lack of interest/regard for the alternative beliefs, upbringings, social conditioning and mindsets of others and the way this impacts their behavior
A couple of days ago I read an article that stated: “All empaths have empathy, but not all people with empathy are truly empaths.” However, everything I’ve seen, heard and experienced has shown me that this is incorrect. In reality, not all empaths have empathy. There is a big difference between feeling an emotion as your own (as empaths do) and actively stepping into the shoes of, understanding, and developing forgiveness and acceptance for another (empathy).
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What to Do …
Not all narcissists are the same, so there is no black and white here. While some seem to be biologically programmed (born that way), others develop narcissism due to environmental and social conditioning factors. For this reason, I can’t speak for all narcissists. Thankfully, there is a lot of evidence that narcissism can be lessened and often even healed. There is no “one size fits all” solution for empathic narcissism, but a great place to start (in my experience) is the cultivation and development of Self-awareness and Self-love.
Shadow work inevitably fits into the process above after self-love has been developed. Personally, all of these steps, as well as being in the presence of an extremely (and shamelessly) honest partner, helped me to cultivate more empathy. But the process can be very long, so have patience!
Your Thoughts
What’s your opinion on empathic narcissism? Are you struggling to genuinely empathize with others despite your identification as an empath? You’re welcome to start a conversation below!
If you would like more clarity, support, and guidance surrounding this topic, please check out our empath book.
Note: When I write about “empathic narcissists” I am referring to a narcissist (or borderline narcissist) who believes themselves to be an empath. Please keep in mind that I am only writing about one type of narcissist here, the vulnerable or covert narcissist. There are also more extreme and violent narcissists that have traits which overlap with antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy – I am not writing about these types of narcissists at all. Due to the sensitivity of vulnerable/covert narcissists, it is easy to idealize themselves as empaths (this is only one of many idealizations). Although this is a touchy subject, I believe it’s important to explore any illusions we may or may not have about ourselves.
wow, I thought I was just an empath as most of the time I feel what other s feel even if someone has a headache I end up with it and they get better #headachegone. Most of what you said is shockingly me. I just thought back to how I behave, and its is most of what you said. Only problem I realise it now but when I do it I do not. I cut people off like its nothing and they wonder why… to me its cause they are not for me but your article might be right (not getting what I want from them). like wow
I have been pulling myself away from those I love, so I can learn more about myself. I am very spiritual but I do see the narcissism in me. Always thought my ex was the narcissistic but I starting to wonder maybe I was gas lighting… Still so confused hope you can help me in my journey..
Thank you
Aletheia Luna
Awesome article! I’m not sure if you’re aware of MBTI or the Enneagram, but if you’re interested in psychological classifications (empaths/narcissists/etc.), then I’m sure you’ve heard of them!
I’m going to try to relate to this to me through the lens of these type indicators. I don’t live my life completely by them, but I do find tremendous value in them with respect to how they help open our eyes to patterns of behavior as they pertain to the bigger picture, the self! So bear with me if you don’t totally understand/subscribe to them.
I’m an ENFP (MBTI) and a type 4w3 (Enneagram).
People with an xNFx type typically lead their lives according to a strong sense of altruism and morality, which encompasses empathy and compassion. We can be creative and exhilarating (ENFP/INFP) in our interactions with others, giving life to the mundane, inspiring those around us with great enthusiasm. But we can also be a bit more down-to-earth or didactical in our interpersonal affairs (ENFJ/INFJ) to the point of seeming paternal/maternal.
(Skip next paragraph if you already know or don’t care to learn a bit about MBTI and its cognitive functions theory. It is not essential to the point of my post.)
‘N’ stands for intuitive (vs. ‘S’ for sensory) and ‘F’ stands for feeling (vs. ‘T’ for thinking), which are both cognitive functions which can be directed externally or internally, determined by your extroversion/introversion (E/I) and prospective or judging nature (P/J). Without getting too deep into the logic behind E/I and P/J, I will simply discuss the concept in my type’s terms, since I know it best and it is what I will be discussing: The ‘P’ in ENFP determines that I will have either an ‘N’ or an ‘S’ (intuitive or sensory), rather than an ‘F’ or a ‘T’, as my first cognitive function (the one I use most and primarily) and the ‘E’ in ENFP causes my first cognitive function to be extroverted, rather than introverted; therefore, my first cognitive function is ‘Ne’ or extroverted intuition. This causes me to be very exploratory in nature, concerned with discovering new things, novelty, ideation, brainstorming, and creating things, typically (though not always) based on conceptualizations, rather than physical touch (acting/writing vs. painting/sculpting). To get my second cognitive function, I simply do the opposite of what I do to get the first. And this applies to every type: my first function is an ‘N’ [vs. ‘S’], so now my second will be an ‘F’ or ‘T’. Since I am an ENFP, it will be an ‘F’. Since my first cognitive function was extroverted, my second one will be introverted; therefore, my second cognitive function is ‘Fi’ for introverted feeling. This causes me to be very focused on my own moral compass–how I am feeling at any given moment. So once I have exhausted myself coming up with possibilities using ‘Ne’, my first line of defense is to check in how I am feeling on a purely emotional level (‘Fi’). Together NeFi is a very bizarre combination of primary and secondary (aka auxiliary) cognitive functions, not because they break the rules of MBTI or anything like that, but because they may interact with each other in the most contradictory/chaotic ways, hence leading to the point of my long-ass comment.
(Skip next paragraph if you already know about/don’t want to learn about the Enneagram).
The Enneagram is not as difficult to explain, as it is purely motive-based and requires less logic than MBTI to understand. The Enneagram suggests we all have one existential fear and one existential desire, manifested in a certain ‘type’ (1-9). You can also lean more toward the number before or after your type, giving you a ‘wing,’ from which we absorb certain characteristics that might even be contradictory to our main type. Sometimes, we incorporate both of our ‘wings’ into our personality.
The biggest fear of the type 4 is the fear of possessing no unique identity: being ordinary and insignificant. This makes their biggest desire to be special in some way, to be extraordinary, recognized or praised for their contributions. The type 4 can either have a 3 wing, which makes them more extroverted and success-oriented, or a 5 wing, making them more private and cerebral. In either case, type 4s are introspective, creative, introverted, and moody.
The Enneagram type 4, at their worst, is incredibly narcissistic and focuses way too much on how they feel at any given moment. It stems from the aforementioned strong desire to be unique/special, which conjures a long road of chronically low-self esteem, the stuff a narcissist is made of. But then, there is much literature that suggests that using this intense emotional reaction to all that life has to offer can transform into a super benevolent form of altruism, showing compassion for even the most intensely disturbed individuals. It is about integrating a set of principles based on the type 4’s emotions, so that they can reflect outwardly unto others in a profoundly creative way. These principles serve to allow the 4 to release their emotions, mutually beneficial to the self and the other and, at the same time, help keep their biggest fear of not having an identity at bay. They no longer only focus on the inner anguish caused by the emotions of others because they now project their feelings in a relatable manner outwardly, due to a strong moral compass out of which they have created their identity. They then have the potential to become the most compassionate (not necessarily the most empathetic) type of all nine Enneagram types. They still may struggle with getting caught up in their own emotional turmoil, but now they do something positive about it, even if they find it difficult to ACTUALLY put themselves in another’s shoes.
I always fought with myself on whether I was super self-absorbed or a people pleaser. Thanks to your article and how I related it back to my knowledge of personality psych, I now can put a finger on what I was feeling! Thankfully, I have done a lot of work on myself, and am actually moving forward toward MUCH healthier levels of self-expression and relating to others. I’ve always been able to feel the emotions of others, so I was confused as to why I could be so self-serving and at times, frankly disrespectful to the emotions of others.
The only thing I would add to this article is that I don’t think ALL (unaware) empathetic narcissists are self-centered/non-compassionate ALL the time. I think there is room for some nuance in how both the narcissism and the empathy are expressed, varying based on the individual. Kind of like those with BPD, I imagine that lots of narcissistic empaths experience their own version of splitting. For those with BPD, it is usually unaccompanied/uninfluenced by empathy. But by those who identify with being a narcissistic empath, I’d suggest that they have kind of like an empathy-splitting mind-trick that they do: one moment they may find someone morally atrocious, evil, disgusting. But then breaking down into tears and getting on board with helping this person super quickly once they realize this person is a recovering addict. In this case, it’s probably because the narcissistic empath is in a heightened state of vulnerability–perhaps due to intoxication, something wonderful happening in their life, something awful happening in their life, etc. An example I have of this: growing up, I would have several outbursts. I suffered a lot of emotional abuse/trauma starting at 7 (alcoholic father, absent mother). Whenever my mother would talk on the phone, I would scream and shout at her to get off. The reason was because I took on the pain of her divorce and feelings of abandonment. Feeling abandoned myself (due to her staying out after work and being on the phone with friends whenever home), I acted out narcissistically, only allowing for the occasional (but INTENSE) feelings of compassion when my mother would cry herself to sleep. I’d then craft her a homemade card, pick some wildflowers in our yard, and tell her I loved her, then start crying myself.
Lastly, I think it only makes sense to suggest that narcissistic empaths also might channel their empathy away from those whose feelings they are absorbing, and toward entities far-removed or unrelated to their own lives. My example: as a narcissistic empath during childhood, I remember suffering from intense feelings of dread after watching videos of the downright despicable mistreatment of farm animals and the inhumane ways they were slaughtered. It would make me feel disgusting to be alive. I had seen stuff like this before, but I think it affected me more at this point in my life because I had actually started understanding intense emotions due to my father’s addiction, my parents’ divorce, and beginning to experience being an outsider due to my sexuality (not understanding what it was yet [obviously]) and vastly differing interests from my classmates, even the some of the girls (they liked baseball, Barbie, boogers, racecars–I liked creating characters in a world only I [and perhaps my closest friends] could see). During this crucial stage of emotional development, I was all of a sudden horrified by the idea of eating meat. Instead of doing something about it (I was a child, thus couldn’t choose my meals), I constantly lashed out at mom, was very bossy with friends, proposed I was something extraordinary to my teachers and coaches (though refusing to offer any of my “talents”). But when it came to seeing an animal in need on an ASPCA commercial or watching the blood seep out of the steak I was about to eat, I became my most vulnerable self, feeling the pain of those animals, immediately broke down into tears, panicked beyond what is normal. It’s This was just a blip on the radar in the course of my life. I ended up dealing with eating meat until I was old enough to make my own decisions. It’s no surprise that I’ve been a vegetarian for six years now. This story only serves as an example of how empathy can be pushed inward, taking up our whole heart to the point where the only emotion we have left when it really counts is anger, selfishness, grandeur.
Cognitive empathy is rare. It is a cognitive function (Fe: extroverted feeling) that only two types (ENFJ/ESFJ) have as their primary way of interacting with the world and only another two (INFJ/ISFJ) have as their secondary way of interacting with the world. This is an informed opinion, but I believe these types to be the most naturally empathetic personalities. Then those with the cognitive function Fi: introverted feeling (ENFP, INFP, ESFP, ISFP) as one of their first two cognitive functions in the stack would be the next to naturally empathize with others. For them, however, the feeling is directed inwardly, so it takes some exploration to figure out how to actively practice empathy, rather than just being able to feel others’ emotions. As an ENFP, I would use my primary function (Ne: extroverted intuition [concerned with exploring and generating different ideas]) to explore different perspectives on life, different types of emotions, different philosophies, morals, ethics, personalities, cultures, etc. so I can relate my deeply explored emotional life to others’.
Once I could actually come to understand what/who is out there, reminded of all the dynamic forces of humanity and the beauty in the turbulence of life, I could not longer help but actively put myself in others’ shoes. I always thought I was good at being vulnerable. But then I realized, I was only good at being vulnerable when it served me immediately. Little did I know that the long-term benefits of opening up, even when it pains me to do so, might be the most abstrusely divine bit of profundity I could ever experience. It was a hell of a journey to get here, and there is still so much work on myself to be done, but it feels really good to be at a place where I can integrate my experiences in a way that brings me joy and appreciation that I can share with others, no matter whom.
Key takeaway: nobody just ‘has’ anything. We all exist on the same shape of human existence, made up of many lines. This shape connects us together at different points as the lines intersect. These lines are like spectrums, holding healthy and unhealthy points, disordered and coherent intersections. For someone who ‘has narcissism,’ what that really means is that they experience human emotions on the unhealthy end of the spectrum on which they exist, with the empath perhaps existing on the opposite end of the spectrum, a part of who this person who ‘has narcissism’ already is, but not yet integrated fully into the whole. And maybe this person will be stuck there forever. Thanks to a combination of really awesome people in my life, my art, and my experiences (which are half luck), I’m so grateful to say I moved on from what could have been a life-long war with myself.
There’s no doubt that humans that are so unhealthy or disordered to the point of having an anti-social label attached to them seldom get help, rarely improve, almost never change completely. But if we start looking at disordered behavior through a more humanitarian lens, drop the labels just for a moment, and look at the bigger picture that is human existence, we might be able to get to a point where moving people along the spectrum from unhealthy to healthy becomes second nature. It worked for me.
Sorry for the super long comment. I’ve been studying narcissism, empathy, personality psychology, etc. for a while now, and this was the first time I felt it all come together! So I’m super excited about that.
i feel as if i’m all these things. i’m in therapy but i don’t know what to do the other 6 days a week. searching for safe communion.
I linked to this article in a Quora response to clarify my statement that Narcissists can be empathic. But on closer review, I concede that my definition of being an empath doesn’t coincide with yours either. I think I’m beginning to accept that I’m not actually an emphatic narcissist, so much as an ex-narcissist who learned how to detect and react to the emotional states of others.
I say ex-narcissist because I no longer need external validation and do good works in secret without the need to call attention to what I’ve done. I realize I’m not a natural empath, as I was not always able to sense emotional undercurrents, and in fact, I was tone-deaf and socially inept well into young adulthood.
Through various mental and physical disciplines, I’ve progressed from wanting to excel in order to impress others to wanting to be the best that I can be for my own satisfaction. I’m comfortable in solitude but I also have people that I care about without regard to how they may be of benefit to me. I’m reluctant to make promises but I do everything possible to keep the ones I do make. Sad songs and movies can make me cry but I can be a vicious and coldly efficient fighter in self-defense or defense of a loved one.
In terms of this article, I believe I’ve achieved self-awareness and self-appreciation. But even though I recognize that I’m able to sense and respond to the emotional states of others, I don’t necessarily feel those emotions myself. And I neither see that as a failing or evidence of superiority. I just accept it as the way I am.
I just read your article and I am an empathic narcissist and agree that not all empaths are empathic. I have struggled with this concept most of my life since I learned what an empath is. While I can sense what others are feeling, I have a difficult time putting myself in the other person’s shoes and having empathy or even looking at myself from another’s perspective. It does create a conflict at times because it creates a sense that “others” don’t understand what it is that I’m going through which only stirs up the narcissistic nature by feeling superior to others or feeling slighted. I have tried to overcome this by thinking about how would I feel if it was done to me, which helps to a degree but not totally because the narcissistic side makes me think that I would feel and react differently. The part that disturbs me the most is how easy it is for me to detach my mind and feelings of people and situations. I tend to have an “all or nothing” attitude, only when it serves me, regardless of the other’s feelings. I believe that being an empath causes this mindset because I can tell what people are feeling/thinking that it creates mistrust in others because people have a tendency to lie about trivial things which makes it difficult to empathize with them. So while I am an empath, I am not necessarily empathetic.
We all are on the spectrum between Empath and Narcissist. Both a narcissist and an empath pick up on other people’s feelings, but the empath feels the need to help or support. The narcissist doesn’t. The “all or nothing” attitude that only serves you is narcistic. If a person is an Empath, they are empathic. From the little bit you have written, I’d say that you tend toward the narcissistic side of the spectrum. I guess another way to get insight into yourself would be to think of the times you have helped someone, did you think ahead to what they can do for you in the future? If so, your help was not empathy, it was manipulation.
I agree with your opinion. As I was reading this all I could think of was that these sound like narcissistic behaviors and not someone who posses both. I believe that when someone is an empathic narcissist their character is saliently empathic and the narcissist only reveals itself as a defensive mechanism from a narcissist.
I am so glad to have found this article! Dealing with an empath narcissist is so tricky- I was so confused because the behaviors could indicate so much sensitivity and kindness etc but then when I would do anything that would disagree with their view, so much coldness and meanness would come out. And the lack of empathy for my feelings was surprising and could feel crushing- following so much love and empathy it felt to me, an empath, that it was something I did because my inclination was to assume the best. So tricky! I also notice that while the ego is strong, the empath abilities- to pick up thoughts or moods- are used in the service of propping up their ego. Thank you for the article! By now I am more secure in my empath identity and in knowing that what I feel is real, but sometimes this pendulum swing of the narcissist empath makes me doubt myself. And really happy you have come on the other side of it! Thank you for sharing so honestly!
I have been with a guy for several years that I do believe is empathic. The problem is he has gone thru alot of unfortunate things… he has been a victim, but also brought plenty of things on himself. He pretty much fits everything on your list of narcissistic empath qualities, and has schizotypal personality disorder. He has his own perspective on everything and becomes enraged if that reality is questioned. I am far from perfect and I think I may be a bit of a covert… but he claims that I constantly gaslight him when I simply don’t understand where he is coming from. Any emotion I have, he feels is an attack on him, and he will intentionally make me feel worse… and in return, that makes him worse. He is deeply wounded, and I’ve only ever wanted to help him… but I know I can’t and that we are extremely toxic together. :(
His rage, turning things around on you, playing the victim, having a perspective on everything as black and white in his eyes, blaming you for gaslighting him, intentionally making you feel worse is his manipulative power play- narcissistic. I don’t think life will ever get any better for you unless you find strategies for dealing with a narcissist. You Tube does have videos something to the effect of 20 things to say to a narcissist to deflate their inappropriate behavior. Some say that narcissists never can change, but since we are all on the spectrum between empath and narcissist, I think maybe some can. If I were you and no children were involved, I’d find someone else. If children are involved I’d only stay if he shows some improvement after therapy. If you have children, you don’t want his overly selfish behavior to be a role model. If he values you, he’ll really try therapy, not just say yes to appease you. You were not put on this earth to be someone’s bi*ch. If he loses you because he doesn’t want to change, he’ll just find another victim to drain. Narcissists are never happy with their partner unless the partner is all serving. Sounds like a slave.
Friendly reminder that narcissists (and by this I mean other commenters, and probably some of your friends) will happily jump on your bandwagon and demonize another person with you, and are generally poor sources for constructive interpersonal advice.
I don’t recommend talking to him about his behavior or anger. I’m guessing you’ve tried this and it didn’t work or ended terribly. You might not find success in trying to fix problems directly, because you’ll be emphasizing “FIX problems” while he may hear “fix PROBLEMS” — sidestep the guilt and insecurities by having good conversations about the beautiful life you want to build together. Narcissism (which may or may not be what your guy has) is often understood as a developmental issue — lots of different types and approaches, but in your case it sounds like constructive key words are the usual where insecurities lurk: safety and love.
Try talking to him about the general vibe. Avoid terms like anger or combativeness that are also suggestive of personality traits — begin as far away possible from the spiralling pull of criticism and ego. You could talk about the kind of environment you both want to come home to, or how you each want conversations between you to feel. Be upfront and specific about the topic and be explicit that the point is to brainstorm and explore positive possibilities for your future, not to criticize each other or compare with how you’ve done things together in the past, and be open and transparent that you want a safe and loving discussion. Ask him if he’s comfortable discussing this for mutual benefit, and if he is willing to help you create a safe and loving conversation about your relationship and help steer it back if it veers into talking about each person. This might seem weird and excessive as an intro to a discussion, but the simplest way to remove ego-based defensiveness and aggression is by creating a safe space where the ego doesn’t expect to be judged (or will be loved in spite of flaws), and respond appropriately to defensiveness by asking if he feels safe and loved in the discussion and what he might need to feel safe, and then taking breaks or establishing rules for the conversation towards mutual safety. As you’re no stranger to emotional danger in your conversations, you absolutely can also use safety mechanisms, but keep in mind that the ego latches onto criticisms, be they the point or not. I recommend letting him use it once or twice first, and if you do need to use it, you could say something like, “Earlier I asked you if you felt safe and loved because how you were replying made me sense you might not, and I wanted to pause to let you know I love you and to help you feel safe and supported. I want to have this conversation in a good way for both of us, and I think I need your help, too. Can you help me identify something we can do to make me feel safe and loved in this conversation?” Safety and love, safety and love, safety and love.
Almost fits. I’m not the same everyday but I can definitely identify with the description of an empathetic narcissist . I do not self-loathe and I don’t have a sense of low worth at all. Does that mean that there is no healing process for me? Of course,I don’t believe that – I just need time.
The mirroring Empath you speak of would be a HEYOKA! And I have come to pretty much the same conclusion as you.
Reading this, I thought it was a very open minded Point of discussion. It actually helped me understand some things about the past as well. I was in a 4 year relationship with a person I believed to be a sociopathic narcissist. Or they at least had many traits similar. Back then I think I was truly an empath; however, my empathy happened to be very misguided and sent out in all the wrong directions. Not only that, but I had lots of anger from PTSD all pent up inside. Well, the problem with that was, I tried way too hard to be “good” that I made all the wrong choices at the time. I was very intense about my relationship and took on many traits I had been exposed to from it. Instead of just trying to understand the situation, I was sucked into it. Believing I was meant to be there and help him get better, I would say that this was my case of narcissistic empathy. I felt as if no one else would tolerate him or help him, so it was my duty. Little did I know, I am not capable of changing someone- only helping them if they truly want to be helped. But what I really learned from this situation is that some of these sick people have so much negative energy just under their surface. When you look into their eyes, care is replaced by needs and wants. They want to suck you in even if they don’t know they are trying to actually do that. Co-dependency formed and after about 2 years into the relationship, we both manipulated each other and hurt each other. I am not proud of my decisions, and I have changed. I may have been a narcissistic empath who thought I could do everything to help that person, thinking only of what I would gain from it. Only to realize I was being played so hard by an intelligent methodical liar, who rubbed their traits off on me without my realization. I would like to believe that their emotion Is coming from tattered old feelings, but I have yet to see one of these really sick people get better. It took a lot for me to recover, and I’d say I’m still recovering. I can only set this apart from myself because I truly do care and did everything I could to help myself get better. Empath’s do often get sucked into toxic behavior. It’s due to all that emotion jumbling up inside us. So it is curious to think that sociopaths and narcissists could possibly be capable of much greater empathy if they could possibly heal? Just a thought.
Empathic narcissism. I never.would.have thought that.was.me, but.reading it
totally.awakened me. Thank you
Wow! This is something I have noticed in myself after I began inner child work 4.5 years ago. I feel a great deal of shame when I see myself with narcissistic behavior. Coming from severe trauma I grew up and was absolutely living out covert narcissism unconsciously as a means of survival and to not be hurt ever again. I continued and still continue seeking help to be my best self. Yet that shadow is still there trying to protect me from everyone. You’re right. It takes a long time to heal, but it is possible. I am amazed by my own transformation over my lifetime. It sucks though when I am in this deep pit of loneliness. Obsessed with how I feel and pretending I am ok and ashamed to share my imperfections at times. I can be the most vulnerable person and share myself with you and then I can retreat and protect and pretend. Thank you for writing this. I don’t feel so alone now. Self love and self care has been my greatest healer and it is apparent when I let up on my daily healthy habits that I begin to sense the dark side take over.
I feel you 100 percent. I could have written this. HUGS.
I’m very grateful to you for this article. I’d watched a Sam Vaknin video in which he mentioned this concept, which led me to your article here. I don’t know, but you may find he’s done some more work in this area…?
Thank you for being so open; it’s fascinating, well put together and clearly written from the heart.
I identify with this article in many ways. I have fought off many narcissists- these tend to be people I’ve chosen to date. Over the years I’ve become more aware of who I am, it is hard in this world today as there are many people that are selfish and unfeeling- I do also become confused on when dealing with a partner that is an NPD. To which of the person I truly am. I do have empathy for others – but I can see less and less as I deal with the strong complex narc. I stay Conscience of myself, and watch carefully how I act now.