Weird title huh? How can an empath be a narcissist? … It just doesn’t sound possible.
But it is.
Empaths by definition are supposed to be so finely “tuned in” to others and their feelings and thoughts that they can literally experience firsthand (or secondhand) what it’s like to be another person. Narcissists on the other hand seem to only care about themselves and their own needs and interests, appearing to be devoid of concern for others.
But here’s the thing: being an empath doesn’t necessarily mean that you actively feel empathy towards others. And being a narcissist doesn’t mean that you don’t have the capacity to feel what others feel on a mental and psychological level.
When most of us think of narcissists we tend to picture obnoxious, extroverted and self-obsessed people, on par with many Hollywood celebrities. But did you know that there are actually two types of narcissism: the overt and covert? Overt narcissists are typically thick-skinned and openly conceited. Covert narcissists, on the other hand, are generally shy, sensitive and introverted. However, both share similar traits of a lack of concern for others, obsessive self-interest, blaming and criticizing, dishonesty and manipulation.
Finally, this article was written in the interests of self-exploration and self-growth, not as an actual medical diagnosis. Fortunately most empaths are empathetic, but if you suspect that you may harbor any borderline or obvious traits, you’re free to keep reading.
10 Signs You’re an Empathic Narcissist
For most of my life I strongly believed that I was a kind, patient, caring and empathetic person. This idealized self-image I had created for myself only served to mask the real truth of who I was: that of a self-centered wounded egomaniac who couldn’t truly empathize with others. Don’t worry, I’m not “dissing” myself – it’s the truth! And you know, sometimes I still can be self-centered, but I have improved a great deal since then. By the way, this breakthrough from unempathetic empath to empathetic empath was greatly assisted by Sol who shook me up and put the mirror of Clarity right in front of me.
Since then, I’ve come across a great deal of (what I would consider) empathic narcissists. And yet, at the time of writing this article I’ve never read or actively found information on the topic. So I guess this article is a first!
The greatest danger of identifying as a straight-out empath is that it can blind us to our darker underlying traits. Unfortunately we tend to assume that just because we’re sensitive and can “feel” what other people feel, we automatically become empathetic people who can truly understand and feel compassion/concern towards others.
This is absolutely not the case at all. And in fact, I believe empathic narcissism is more pervasive than we think.
Now, I’m not here to demonize narcissism. In fact, as one lovely wolf commented beneath my last article, narcissists can be like angels in disguise. Narcissists are catalysts of change in people’s lives: they stir up all the old wounds, scars and shadow elements in a person and force growth. Many awakened narcissists (i.e. those who have become self-aware) are also sincere about changing their patterns of behavior. So if you think you may be a narcissist, or have been “diagnosed” as one, just know that this is a “safe” place for you to come out and express your perspectives.
As I mentioned in my last article, covert, or vulnerable narcissists, are sensitive and introverted by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-hatred and unworthiness, they overcompensate by creating idealized images of themselves (this is where identifying as an “empath” comes into play). Empathic narcissists tend to believe that they are a victim of everyone’s feelings and thoughts because they feel them so strongly, yet have little genuine tenderness, understanding or compassion towards others.
The essential difference between empathetic empaths and narcissistic empaths seems to be that empathetic empaths permit themselves to feel vulnerable, thus are open to developing empathy for others. On the other hand, narcissistic empaths seem to deny or avoid feeling vulnerable due to their low self-worth, thus are closed to truly caring for others.
Below I’ll narrow down some of the most common symptoms narcissistic empaths experience:
- The tendency to seesaw between acting superior to others and feeling hurt
- Feeling more special and fundamentally different from others
- Intensely upset and offended by any sign of perceived (or real) criticism
- Inability to take responsibility for one’s actions and feelings resulting in constant blame
- Frequently becoming completely consumed in one’s own personal affairs to the point of forgetting about others
- Self-martyrdom as a way of manipulating and controlling others
- Feeling that no one can understand one’s “unique” problems
- Always feeling victimized by the world/life/other people (e.g. others “attacking” you with their energy)
- Perceiving others in extremes (e.g. demonizing a person, or thinking they’re an angel)
- Inability to understand, or blatant lack of interest/regard for the alternative beliefs, upbringings, social conditioning and mindsets of others and the way this impacts their behavior
A couple of days ago I read an article that stated: “All empaths have empathy, but not all people with empathy are truly empaths.” However, everything I’ve seen, heard and experienced has shown me that this is incorrect. In reality, not all empaths have empathy. There is a big difference between feeling an emotion as your own (as empaths do) and actively stepping into the shoes of, understanding, and developing forgiveness and acceptance for another (empathy).
What to Do …
Not all narcissists are the same, so there is no black and white here. While some seem to be biologically programmed (born that way), others develop narcissism due to environmental and social conditioning factors. For this reason, I can’t speak for all narcissists. Thankfully, there is a lot of evidence that narcissism can be lessened and often even healed. There is no “one size fits all” solution for empathic narcissism, but a great place to start (in my experience) is the cultivation and development of:
and
The Awakened Empath eBook:
Written for the highly sensitive and empathic people of life, Awakened Empath is a comprehensive map for helping you to develop physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual balance on every level.
Shadow work inevitably fits into the process above after self-love has been developed. You can read more into shadow work here. Personally, all of these steps, as well as being in the presence of an extremely (and shamelessly) honest partner, helped me to cultivate more empathy. But the process can be very long, so have patience!
Your Thoughts
What’s your opinion on empathic narcissism? Are you struggling to genuinely empathize with others despite your identification as an empath? You’re welcome to start a conversation below!
Note: When I write about “empathic narcissists” I am referring to a narcissist (or borderline narcissist) who believes themselves to be an empath. Please keep in mind that I am only writing about one type of narcissist here, the vulnerable or covert narcissist. There are also more extreme and violent narcissists that have traits which overlap with antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy – I am not writing about these types of narcissists at all. Due to the sensitivity of vulnerable/covert narcissists, it is easy to idealize themselves as empaths (this is only one of many idealizations). Although this is a touchy subject, I believe it’s important to explore any illusions we may or may not have about ourselves.
I honor the new clarity in teh media since Trump on empathy and narcissism. I’m with the people commenting your take on this is more confusing than clarifying. What we’re learning is Narcissism (absernce of empathy) and Over-empathy (healers, intuitives, sensitives, etc) are a continuum.
It’s not a person is both. Rather it’s everyone is somewhere on this continuum, just as every one is on the continuum of Extravert~Introvert and has expressions of both. In every more conscious person, one pole or the other will dominate and characterize them. I’ll try and write this up for Holistic Brain Balance.
If you like this idea of a range of Narcission~Over-empathy everyone is on, this is the key to understanding the MBTI four letter “code” for personality preference.
I think empath is the wrong word.
Vulnerable narcissists are simply good at reading people. They use this talent to abuse people further. They may try to convince themselves that they feel the other persons emotions because they may have a need to create a false persona for themselves that they see as kind and good.
Yes, they always play the martyr, too, but that is only another way that they know than can manipulate people who do not know about NPD or other personality disorders.
One of your commenters spoke of knowing feelings his mother had at age four. But this thought is simply part of their magical thinking. Most likely he heard his mother telling someone of her feelings at that time, years after the fact and convinced himself that he felt those feelings.
Narcissists often claim to be psychic or to have extra-ordinary or super human abilities because it is part of their need to feel powerful and in control over others.
Sadly, covert narcissists are just sad frightened people who cope with the world by abusing others, including their own young children, in ways that border on evil.
The only way to interact with a narcissist is to avoid them, if you care about them and do not want to hurt them.
If you do not care about them, then using their own tactic to abuse them in self defense will work. But that only works if you need nothing or want nothing from the Narcissist.
I would love to hear what you think of my thoughts.
I agree with the notion that empath isn’t the right word here. Cognitive empathy however, defined as “the capacity to understand another’s perspective or mental state” is something I would link with narcissism. In fact I think it’s a pretty important trait if you want to successfully manipulate someone or if you derive your narcissistic source from their thoughts and feelings.
The empathic narcissist sounds something akin to a social anti-social personality disorder to me, an oxymoron in other words. That doesn’t mean there can’t be any overlap if you look at a description of an empath and a description of a narcissist, for example they can both be sensitive but that kind of cherry picking will lead us nowhere. Narcissists and schizophrenics often share paranoid tendencies, delusions of grandeur and the feeling of being persecuted when they aren’t but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep these labels separate from each other.
The thing is, narcissists seem to often mistakenly believe they know how others are feeling and what they are thinking, which I think could make one genuinely believe they are an empath. When I have been in a relationship with a narcissist they seem to have had moments where they were absolutely 100% sure that I had feelings for them that I didn’t and no matter what I said could convince them otherwise. If they decide that you hate them, love them, want to hurt them, believe their lies, then it’s real from their perspective I guess. They actually feel that way, the same as an empath would I think, but the crucial difference is that it’s just all in their head instead of being a genuine connection to someones actual emotional state.
I think there’s just flawed logic being used when we start thinking with terms like “unempathic empath”. It wouldn’t make a lot of sense if I talked about a transition from a truthful liar to a lying liar for example. If there was some actual point I was trying to get across, I should probably start using different terminology that isn’t self-contradicting.
Maybe we only need to switch the words around and say ‘narcissistic empath’ instead, to me that’s something that sounds much better at least because everyone is narcissistic to some degree (you know, when they talk about healthy narcissism) but not everyone is a narcissist. Just like empathy is a general trait but an empath is a much rarer thing.
I’m pretty sure I’m an empath with narcissistic traits. I say an empath because I can literately feel and know people’s feelings. I can read their minds without even knowing I’m doing it. I know I can because every time I’ve done it it’s freaks people out as to how I know all this information. I grab people’s feelings and i personally don’t like it so I know I’m an empath, but I lack sympathy. I wasn’t always like this tho. I know I’ve been an empath since I was a child because I tell my mother stories from when I was only 4 years old things no child should know feelings of how she felt and it shocks her. Is it possible that I am becoming narcissistic because I can’t cope with how horrible people are so I just kinda stopped caring about everything and stopped sympathizing with people? Idk I just feel really lost
I am empathetic towards people, and I have been in quite a few relationships with narcissistic people. It is definitely a learn as you go experience. This doesn’t diminish my ability to empathize. It just makes me more careful and aware, and to have an escape plan to get out of the relationship. I have at times stated that” Even though we’re friends, I have costitutional rights to choose my friends. That’s what restraining orders are for.” The next day I received a text from the friend saying “we can’t be friends any more.” This was easier than me ending the relationship. He had to be in control or it wasn’t “right” according to him…
Actually this article describes my husband of 35 years to a tee. I’ve been reading so much on narcissists and it has been impossible to deny he posseses most of what is described on narcissists, but something just didn’t quite fit. He is a quiet and introverted person and I have witnessed him dislay empathy to some degree, though not fully. He’s very definately a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality and the change can come from an ever so slight or imagined occurance, but he just didn’t fully fit the bill of all the other narcissist descriptions.
Wow, I was just thinking after reading about empaths on your site if I could have been an emphatic narcissist.
I had an “awakening” I guess you could call it as a young man. I had repressed all of my true feelings and had lived my life acting out fake ones to influence my environment. Events in my life caused them to flood in quite suddenly. In time I learned to feel and express them … I continue that path today. Also in time, I stopped seeing myself as the center of the universe, everyone else as players on the chess board.
I knew that I had senses I couldn’t explain. Knew things I shouldn’t know. Someone can come into a room and I can feel them. Feel who they are and how they are. Some people can hide and other project some obsessive while other fabricate their own aura.
In time I begun to recognize picking up on the energies and feelings of others. Your story here resonates with me and gives me a clearer view of myself, who I was and who I could become. Thank you.
Some empaths can be cold individuals. They tend to brag about knowing when someone is a bad person. The ones that do this. I just don’t believe they are a true empaths. Some also claimed be an empath when they aren’t. Just cause you have all the symptoms of an empath doesn’t mean you are one. You could be depressed or something else. I am on a few empath groups and some are not very friendly. Some are very judgemental. A REAL EMPATH has a good heart, dose whatever to stay out of trouble, tries to help instead of hurt. Some can be isolated from the world cause of bad energy. Real empaths are very kind people that want to help the world, they also can be sensitive. Real empaths certainly don’t want to hurt anyone.
Hi. So this article seems to be pretty spot on to describe my mother. I’ve been so confused because her behavior has been downright contradictory of any terms in certain cases, but this explains it. I just want to say thank you for helping me not feel so crazy…
Sometimes I think that empaths can recognize early in life their abilities. I wonder if over time and years it can almost make you numb or emotionally detached, resorting to narcissistic ways. To be blunt, those who are empath know there are a lot of shitty people out there. I know when younger I was trusting and trying to look at the good qualities or things. Now older, I just have no patience or care for individual peoples bullshit. Most people now are shady at best and I see through their crap within moments of conversation.
I focus my empathy globally now. Just my opinion but I feel this is where “narcistic empaths” or any empath can do some good. We have a great grasp on human emotions and tendency. Sometimes, I feel both terms narcissist and empath are bullshit. What if both are one in the same in a sense. Some choose to embrace and feel it (let them effect their life and thoughts) where others understand it and use the skill for personal gain or other. Hope any of that made sense sorry for my ramblings.
Thank you for posting this article! I can’t wait to explore your other writings and resources on this topic. I would like to recommend this video for another helpful perspective on this topic.
https://youtu.be/ipTlosTt3y8
I have lived my life thinking that I am the perfect angel, trapped in a world full of evil people who don’t “get me”. That is oversimplifying, of course. But what a slap in the face when I realized how that victim mentality has caused me to act! I have since been learning about the dynamics of narcissistic behaviors, and find a world full of name-calling and finger-pointing at “narcissists.” And worse yet, people saying it’s “incurable.” I am not sure what exactly people mean when they refer to “empath”. But I’ve always known I’ve had a big heart and a big love for the world. But I didn’t have the confidence or strength to express that, and eventually cowered into fear, and flawed coping mechanisms that hid that. I do believe in the power of love, and if we can learn to love and respect ourselves and others more, we can heal from it.
I think the article is confusing secondary traumatic stress, or empathy fatigue, with covert narcissism. People who tend towards empathy can become unsympathetic due to over exposure to others trauma, or similarly intense emotional states. STS doesn’t make an empath into a narcissist. The covert narcissist is someone who shrouds themselves in the ideal image of a “good” person, but who doesn’t actually possesses the qualities they deem desirable, and will punish others who challenge their self-centered perspective. Empathy is currently touted as a behavioral ideal, so the narcissist may believe that in order to support their self-image as a “good” person, they must possess this desirable quality. They may also punish others who challenge their personal image of being a “good” person. Interestingly, there are many online who build up their personal image of a “good” person by accusing others of narcissism and claiming they possess sensitivity and empathy. It’s dishonest and shows a shallow understanding of empathetic experience. Empathy doesn’t require niceness, that would be sympathy or compassion, but empathy does imply an intense awareness of another’s state. It’s wrapped up in the package of Theory of Mind, which might be a better test of how empathetic someone actually is. Do they really understand that an equally conscious entity exists in another, or is their experience more limited, such as others appearing to be more like empty dolls?
Thank you for this thought-provoking article. Everybody has narcissistic traits to a degree, even empaths. Since I hear my inner critic, am relatively self-aware, have always felt vulnerable and unworthy, I’m not an empathic narcissist according to this definition. However, my husband is a covert (fragile or vulnerable) narcissist. While most might be either clearly narcissists or empaths (or neither), I can imagine types in between the two on the sliding scale.
I have a question. my wife says and I beleave her that she is am empath. She has never really been able to read me unless I my temper that’s to boil over. She has been spending a lot of her time with a family that say they are empaths and it is pulling her away from me and our kids. I don’t know if I could be a Narcissist I am shy and quiet until I get to know someone but I always have a positive outlook on life and that things will be better everyone always seems to open up to me telling me all kinds of things that at going on with them and when there having a hard time and I’m around they just seem to tell me about it. I don’t know what I am truly asking for but I feel like I am loosing my wife and I don’t know if it’s because of me or not. I feel like she is being pulled away from me. She has had a bad history with her family and not be able to show her emotions and when we got together I told her that wasn’t good and tried to get her to let them out.