Weird title huh? How can an empath be a narcissist? … It just doesn’t sound possible.
But it is.
Empaths by definition are supposed to be so finely “tuned in” to others and their feelings and thoughts that they can literally experience firsthand (or secondhand) what it’s like to be another person. Narcissists, on the other hand, seem to only care about themselves and their own needs and interests, appearing to be devoid of concern for others.
But here’s the thing: being an empath doesn’t necessarily mean that you actively feel empathy towards others. And being a narcissist doesn’t mean that you don’t have the capacity to feel what others feel on a mental and psychological level.
When most of us think of narcissists we tend to picture obnoxious, extroverted and self-obsessed people, on par with many Hollywood celebrities. But did you know that there are actually two types of narcissism: the overt and covert? Overt narcissists are typically thick-skinned and openly conceited. Covert narcissists, on the other hand, are generally shy, sensitive and introverted. However, both share similar traits of a lack of concern for others, obsessive self-interest, blaming and criticizing, dishonesty and manipulation.
Finally, this article was written in the interests of self-exploration and self-growth, not as an actual medical diagnosis. Fortunately most empaths are empathetic, but if you suspect that you may harbor any borderline or obvious traits, you’re free to keep reading.
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If you would like to learn more about being an empath, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
10 Signs You’re an Empathic Narcissist
For most of my life I strongly believed that I was a kind, patient, caring and empathetic person. This idealized self-image I had created for myself only served to mask the real truth of who I was: that of a self-centered wounded egomaniac who couldn’t truly empathize with others. Don’t worry, I’m not “dissing” myself – it’s the truth! And you know, sometimes I still can be self-centered, but I have improved a great deal since then. By the way, this breakthrough from unempathetic empath to empathetic empath was greatly assisted by Sol who shook me up and put the mirror of Clarity right in front of me.
Since then, I’ve come across a great deal of (what I would consider) empathic narcissists. And yet, at the time of writing this article I’ve never read or actively found information on the topic. So I guess this article is a first!
The greatest danger of identifying as a straight-out empath is that it can blind us to our darker underlying traits. Unfortunately we tend to assume that just because we’re sensitive and can “feel” what other people feel, we automatically become empathetic people who can truly understand and feel compassion/concern towards others.
This is absolutely not the case at all. And in fact, I believe empathic narcissism is more pervasive than we think.
Now, I’m not here to demonize narcissism. In fact, as one lovely wolf commented beneath my last article, narcissists can be like angels in disguise. Narcissists are catalysts of change in people’s lives: they stir up all the old wounds, scars and shadow elements in a person and force growth. Many awakened narcissists (i.e. those who have become self-aware) are also sincere about changing their patterns of behavior. So if you think you may be a narcissist, or have been “diagnosed” as one, just know that this is a “safe” place for you to come out and express your perspectives.
As I mentioned in my last article, covert, or vulnerable narcissists, are sensitive and introverted by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, they overcompensate by creating idealized images of themselves (this is where identifying as an “empath” comes into play). Empathic narcissists tend to believe that they are a victim of everyone’s feelings and thoughts because they feel them so strongly, yet have little genuine tenderness, understanding or compassion towards others.
The essential difference between empathetic empaths and narcissistic empaths seems to be that empathetic empaths permit themselves to feel vulnerable, thus are open to developing empathy for others. On the other hand, narcissistic empaths seem to deny or avoid feeling vulnerable due to their low self-worth, thus are closed to truly caring for others.
Below I’ll narrow down some of the most common symptoms narcissistic empaths experience:
- The tendency to seesaw between acting superior to others and feeling hurt
- Feeling more special and fundamentally different from others
- Intensely upset and offended by any sign of perceived (or real) criticism
- Inability to take responsibility for one’s actions and feelings resulting in constant blame
- Frequently becoming completely consumed in one’s own personal affairs to the point of forgetting about others
- Self-martyrdom as a way of manipulating and controlling others
- Feeling that no one can understand one’s “unique” problems
- Always feeling victimized by the world/life/other people (e.g. others “attacking” you with their energy)
- Perceiving others in extremes (e.g. demonizing a person, or thinking they’re an angel)
- Inability to understand, or blatant lack of interest/regard for the alternative beliefs, upbringings, social conditioning and mindsets of others and the way this impacts their behavior
A couple of days ago I read an article that stated: “All empaths have empathy, but not all people with empathy are truly empaths.” However, everything I’ve seen, heard and experienced has shown me that this is incorrect. In reality, not all empaths have empathy. There is a big difference between feeling an emotion as your own (as empaths do) and actively stepping into the shoes of, understanding, and developing forgiveness and acceptance for another (empathy).
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What to Do …
Not all narcissists are the same, so there is no black and white here. While some seem to be biologically programmed (born that way), others develop narcissism due to environmental and social conditioning factors. For this reason, I can’t speak for all narcissists. Thankfully, there is a lot of evidence that narcissism can be lessened and often even healed. There is no “one size fits all” solution for empathic narcissism, but a great place to start (in my experience) is the cultivation and development of Self-awareness and Self-love.
Shadow work inevitably fits into the process above after self-love has been developed. Personally, all of these steps, as well as being in the presence of an extremely (and shamelessly) honest partner, helped me to cultivate more empathy. But the process can be very long, so have patience!
Your Thoughts
What’s your opinion on empathic narcissism? Are you struggling to genuinely empathize with others despite your identification as an empath? You’re welcome to start a conversation below!
If you would like more clarity, support, and guidance surrounding this topic, please check out our empath book.
Note: When I write about “empathic narcissists” I am referring to a narcissist (or borderline narcissist) who believes themselves to be an empath. Please keep in mind that I am only writing about one type of narcissist here, the vulnerable or covert narcissist. There are also more extreme and violent narcissists that have traits which overlap with antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy – I am not writing about these types of narcissists at all. Due to the sensitivity of vulnerable/covert narcissists, it is easy to idealize themselves as empaths (this is only one of many idealizations). Although this is a touchy subject, I believe it’s important to explore any illusions we may or may not have about ourselves.
I’m definitely an empathic narcissist and have actively identified MORE with the narcissistic label because it accomplishes my personal goals (get left alone, not an emotional garbage dump) significantly more than being seen as an empath, which tends to lead people to see you in a more positive light. Which can be good! But not for me, because I just am not the kind of person who can or should be relied on as an emotional support system. Even though I am capable of empathic abilities, I just don’t have the strength of character or skillsets to use them well in intimate personal situations unless I have a strong and genuine rapport with someone.
The reason I don’t see this as a bad thing, at all, is because I take great pains not to be a MALIGNANT narcissist. I associate only with people who I actively feel GOOD about, which means (ideally) we can bond authentically and be mutually beneficial and uplifting to each other. To everyone else I tend to come off as self absorbed and even obnoxious, which in my opinion is ideal because it means people are less likely to mistake me for the kind of warm and loving confidant who I CAN be, and DO seem like, but can’t actually sustain in a meaningful way. This saves both parties from stress and burnout.
I’m aware there are probably healthier ways to negotiate my space in society than “here are all my red flags, by all means assess me on your own terms” because this can attract a lot more negative attention than I was able to see coming. Thing is, I just don’t like being seen as a loving, kind, and sensitive person by people who I can’t actually meaningfully STAY this way for. I’m working on grounding, boundaries, and social skills while I try and figure out other options, especially since I now have a better idea of why being a narcissist is so stigmatized in the first place.
Either way, it’s nice to see articles addressing the nuance of this issue rather than conflating “narcissist” with “malignant abuser” upfront. Fact is, ANY type of psychological or personality profile can be a malignant abuser. It’s partially relative to the needs of the individuals or communities in question, and partially just a question of personal choices and priorities. I think it’s good for every type of person to take serious inventory of their projections, assumptions, and the ways in which they enforce their perspectives and thoughts on others. I also think it’s good for people who are prospective victims of abusive behavior profiles to take a more modular stance (how does this behavior make me feel? what behaviors are indicative of a harmful relationship? how can I avoid being hurt by this) vs just learning a handful of diagnostic labels, which can both alienate people who can be helped and may simply have atypical needs, and can blind people to more cunning individuals who may adopt sneaker ways of trying to prey on others.
I could at times, think “well maybe”, but if I was, I’d be far less inclined to have been in relationships with three completely different types of narcs! I’m more of a “battle weary empath” now, & I take no bull…
I am recently out of a relationship with someone who I once described to a friend as “performatively empathetic” -lots of talk about being mindful for others and self-ascribing as an ’empath’ but many of the traits listed, the seasawing, the self-martyrdom, the constant shifting of blame…heck damn near all of them fit like that favorite pair of jeans.
When I say “recently out of a relationship” I mean I got dumped. Four days after we had a ‘talk’ about us and what I was doing wrong. I left that conversation fully committed to the idea of working on things, appreciative of the fact that I was dating someone who was willing to communicate about problems.
Ironically enough, it was a mutual friend of ours (who has known my ex since they were young teenagers-and I only met once we began dating) that pointed me to this article in the first place and told me “you’re not the first person they’ve dumped like this”.
Go figure. I have my faults, a lot of them for sure, but that breakup gave me some things to work on. And you know what, I’m actually enjoying getting to know myself and start acting my age a bit more–so at least my run-in with an ’empathetic narcissist’ had something positive come out of it.
Great article, I enjoyed reading it and having something to reflect on.
Cheers, stay safe, wash your hands.
Hello, I like the self-exploratory journey and the attempt to unify the polarities in the article BUT I just can’t agree to the “empathic narcissist” term. It’s impossible (hears mob growling)! Like there is a distinction between being an empath and having empathy. One is innate and the other learned skill. Plus its a hallmark of narcs to be short on that “screw” especially! The same token can self-aware narcissist learn to be empathetic? In theory, yes, but in practice, true narcs never get to the point of even questioning their personalities. That department in their brain and mind is nonexistent! A person with narcissistic / victim tendencies, yes a narcissist, no!
Maybe we are just tangled in the usage of proper terminology.
Maybe your ego wanted to feel better about itself.
Maybe I came off too strong as I can’t stand when we empaths are dragged through the mud by narcs.
I feel like she might actually be describing codependence, or even some borderline personality traits. To give an example, I’ve had a few people in my life who outwardly seem very caring and always wanting to help the family or friends or others around them, but it became apparent after a few years that they were “helping people” out of a compulsion to feel superior or needed in some way, or to “buy” the love they felt was owed to them. Or to control others. That certainly isn’t the case for everyone who identifies as an empath, but I would posit that “narcissistic empath” could actually be a flavor of codependence.
Erotic, you might have hit the nail on the head! I can totally go with codependency on this one! Sounds like the darker more manipulative shades of codependence … As well, I have experienced multiple “social good doers“ which are full blown narcissists and do it just for the control , limelight and prestige!
Omg! Sorry for that hilarious autocorrect error Eri!
Eri I am sorry for autocorrect deciding to hit on you! Ops!
Haha! I figured it was an autocorrect, but felt oddly flattered all the same
It’s possible – meet me. And imma tell you I am not proud about it.
People can be able to feel other’s emotions and use that to their advantage. It’s actually quite easy.
Luckily, I am becoming more and more awarw about that. Have been feeling like I’m quite empathic and I share a lot o empathy with a few selcted others – and yet I am self-centered in an unhealthy way that clearly ties into some noticable narcissim.
Clearly I have an empathic side who has a lot of empathy for others as well as a very narcissistic and manipulative side.
If you don’t wanna put labels on it sure. But some people experience themselfs this way and this includes me.
I was delighted to find this article.
I am neither an empath nor a narcissist. Yesterday I was talking to my husband about an acquaintance. This woman is extremely sensitive, identifies herself as an empath, is constantly talking about how much she suffers from the extremes of emotion, and masks clear that she doesn’t believe that anyone else can appreciate her pain.
Yesterday she posted about how angry she was at having to wear a mask in the store, because people couldn’t see her smile, and how she was “over” it. I made the statement that she might be an empath, but she was only empathic about her own feelings – a narcissistic empath, was how I phrased it. And I started to realize that I have run into these people before. The first clue is that they always tell me about how empathic they are, and how painful it is to them. The second clue is how hurt and upset they get when people fail to worship their pain.
And the third was that somehow, they were always missing when other people needed help – either because they were “going through” too much themselves, or because they couldn’t tolerate being around someone else’s pain because it “hurt them” too much – empathy without compassion.
So I did a google search and found this article, and it described perfectly what I was observing.
I have always managed to avoid getting hooked into it, but I never quite knew why I avoided them, apart from the fact that the constant drama annoyed the crap out of me.
So thank you for your insight and clarity.
I really like this article, it’s very accurate. Narcissism is a shaky subject in general, people tend to focus a bit more on how it affects other people (which it surely does) but often don’t mention how the person with the disorder is often suffering. Especially about vunerable/covert narcissism, which is usually caused by some kind of severe emotional trauma, often experienced in childhood. In my experience, what is the root of my covert narcissistic tendencies is deep shame and constant feelings of inadequacy. After growing up in an unstable home with an alcoholic mother, I had these nagging thoughts about always falling behind in life. In order to cope, I acted in very problematic and unhealthy ways. I put on this mask of smugness, fake superiority and uniqueness, feeling entitlement, just to hide this lurking insecurity. I often alternated between superior and victim personas. I also started to become increasingly competitive and perfectionistic, secretly envious of others in many ways. I always thought of myself as an empath, but I realized that due to my own toxic flaws, it was not true compassion I was feeling toward others, even though I could understand them.
I want to recognize this behavior and solve the deep underlying issue causing this kind of narcissism. I believe that once someone can solve the root problem, their behavior and quality of life in general, will improve a lot.
I feel this exact way about myself, and while I do genuinely feel empathy for others, my concern for self preservation and security supersedes others in nearly all situations—which is concerning to say the least and has led me to be very manipulative in certain situations. Even while others describe me as a very caring and empathetic person. It’s concerning to say the least, but the fact that I’m self-aware gives me hope that I can curb these toxic behaviors and truly be a kind and empathetic person without the self-agenda. I’m really glad I found this article to help me understand that while I didn’t relate much to the criteria for NPD, being self aware of my behaviors, and definitely having and showing empathy, my narcissistic tendencies are still very real and have a gross negative effect on my life and relationships.
First of all, thank you. I’m glad you wrote about this. For a while now, I’ve noticed that I begin to feel a fearful resonance when listening to narcissistic traits in the context of relationships between narcissists and empaths. I’ve always been told that I’m very sensitive, and I’ve identified myself as an empath…but for a long time, I’ve also harbored doubts about my empathy. I notice it’s shallow, self-serving and often about creating an image…I feel deeply, but I don’t actually care deeply, and, sometimes, I don’t care at all. My father was a narcissist, more overt than covert. My mom is an empathic, covert narcissist who needed an overt narcissist, which she found in my dad. There’s a lot of sensitivity, creativity and trauma in my family, and I think the only true empath is my maternal grandmother (and probably my sister). I don’t know exactly what happened, but I think I was raised in a kind of perfect storm environment to become a complicated empathic narcissist. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know how to care, and I am finding myself endlessly taking from other people to replenish an energetic hunger in me. I don’t want to be this way…but I am. I don’t want to punish myself for this–I still want to love myself and give myself a life worth living and of sharing my gifts, of having the things I want in it, but I also want to be a genuine and good person, not for the sake of being exalted, approved of and liked, but because it’s good to be good and it’s good to care and to love. I have no idea how to do that right now, but your blog gives me hope that I’m redeemable, and that it is possible.
Appreciate your insights. I wonder if you have any on the Empathic Narcissist/Supernova Twin Flame Dynamic? There doesn’t seem to be any in this regard…very disconcerting. Would be grateful for ANY insight…
Well done.
I’d like to hear more on the borderline empath with anti-social.traits.
The compassionate sociopath otherwise known as the Super Empath.
Great spirit led me to this wonderful website, where I’ve been able to gain some insight on my recently ended relationship with a woman I believe to be an empathic narcissist, given many signs. It has been such a healing and revealing time, and through feeling and listening to my own truth, I’ve able to awakened into my power as an empath. Connecting more deeply with my inner child and those around me. So thank you. I just started following your page on IG as well
I have always thought of myself as an empath. I dated someone who I believed was a narcissist. Than I dated another man who said he loved me and when he broke up with me I called the other guy. So now I think I might be the narcissist.
Empaths tend to get get with narcissistic people that’s why you probably feel that way, the problem is we will always want validation from a narcissistic person ( ex) maybe your ex was the same?
This article is full of inaccuracies. There is no such thing as an Empathetic Narcissist or Borderline Narcissist. Narcissitic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are individual afflictions defined by the DSM. While they are both Cluster B disorders, they are not the same. A Narcissist’s motivation is unconditional admiration whereas a Borderline’s motivation is unconditional love. A Narcissist lacks all or most types of empathy (cognitive, affective, compassionate), whereas a Borderline is capable of all types. Borderline is a curable condition; Narcissism is not.
Anyone who has had experiences with a real Narcissist will NOT say they are angels in disguise or positive catalysts. This is simply dangerous propaganda, usually spread by those suffering with NPD. Make no mistake, a Malignant Narcissist aims to control and destroy others. At best, a Narcissist (who is not malignant) is pathologically self absorbed. They are literally children — their brains stopped developing past the age of a toddler. If you are involved with one, you do not exist as a separate entity. You are simply an extension of the Narcissist, who can be used and abused as they see fit. These are dangerous, soul sucking people.
To answer the other commenters, yes this article appears to describe either untreated Borderline Personality Disorder or comorbid NPD/BPD. It is worth noting that the latter is not common in BPD (occuring around 25% of the time). It is far more common for a person with BPD to have co-morbid depression (upwards of 70% of cases).
Please educate yourself on these two very serious disorders before misinforming the public.
I can feel when others are sad hurt or upset the problem is I truly don’t care.And I don’t like when people emotionally dump on me.Also I don’t attend funerals because it’s all just weak to me.The emotion literally makes me sick physically.
The narcissistic empath in many ways reminds me of Borderline Personality Disorder. Would you agree?
I LOVE THIS ARTICLE. Wow. I have an in-law who fits this description to a T and I’ve been trying to understand her for the last 3+ years with zero luck. It doesn’t help that my annoying habit of playing the blunt bell-ringer has me ranked enemy #1 in her book… so my emotional life has been going through the ringer lately, to say the least. But this article has reinstated my faith that I am NOT crazy, and I am so so happy. Even if it means quietly smiling by myself at the next dinner table. Thank you.
I met an individual who thought everyone around her was a narcissist – her mother, sister, husband, and now, ex-friend. She was wondering why they were all targeting her. And then went on to say that narcissistic mothers have narcissistic daughters but she herself cannot be one, because she is an empath. From my experiences with her, when she listens to someone’s problems, she empathizes by simulating emotions while retaining all of her values and behavioral traits. What I mean is that she thinks about how would she feel in similar situation. It becomes about her. Is that still empathy or is it sympathy?
Usually, how I picture empathy is when you are able to see the situation from their perspective and feel the emotion from their perspective.
IMO,
If you can feel the pain that a narcissist inflicts, you are probably not a narcissist. While being empathetic, with a lack of boundaries can cause negative emotions; if you have difficulties forgiving being put down, lied to, and run over, does not mean you are a narcissist. Just that you don’t meet up to the ideal of a perfect Empath, which likely doesn’t exist. There are many overlaps. Also, you can be a victim, just don’t play the victim card.
Symantics are tough and narcissists and empaths are not opposites and share some traits. If you believe you have special powers, this is considered grandiose and narcissistic. Narcissists are often defined as lacking empathy; but, to get satisfying narcissistic supply, a certain amount of walking in the victims shoes is required. Instead of lack of empathy as a trait of narcissists, maybe cruel indifference should be used. Also Grandiosity, projecting shame, and a need to dominate others. Narcissists ensnare empaths by their compassionate nature and desire to help. If you are worried that you are a narcissist, then you probably are not. Chances are that if you went to the trouble of researching the disorder that you are a victim of their abuse. If you are able to sense the cruelty and abuse of even a overt narcissist, you are not carelessly cruel and indifferent and not a narcissist.
Thank you David for posting this, after dealing with narcissistic people i have unfortunately taken on the behavior of cruel indifference from using the grey rock method too much and from icing myself over when in toxic environments, now to intentionally thaw out it’s hard to open the heart again to care after all these years of living with toxicity.
This sounds a bit like borderline personality disorder… thoughts?
I thought it sounds a bit like codependence. I’ve known a few people who took on “caretaking” roles in family relationships. Outwardly, they seemed very compassionate and wanting to help, but it became clear after a while that deep down, they “took care” of others in order to feel superior, or even to control others around them.
I think that this might be me. I know that I have some serious issues.. In the same day I can be crying over the smallest thing like a hurt animal and then cutting someone with a dagger that just disrespected me .. I always thought that I hung out with a lot of narcs and when I would be in their presence I would start talking and acting like them.. now I dont know.