Weird title huh? How can an empath be a narcissist? … It just doesn’t sound possible.
But it is.
Empaths by definition are supposed to be so finely “tuned in” to others and their feelings and thoughts that they can literally experience firsthand (or secondhand) what it’s like to be another person. Narcissists, on the other hand, seem to only care about themselves and their own needs and interests, appearing to be devoid of concern for others.
But here’s the thing: being an empath doesn’t necessarily mean that you actively feel empathy towards others. And being a narcissist doesn’t mean that you don’t have the capacity to feel what others feel on a mental and psychological level.
When most of us think of narcissists we tend to picture obnoxious, extroverted and self-obsessed people, on par with many Hollywood celebrities. But did you know that there are actually two types of narcissism: the overt and covert? Overt narcissists are typically thick-skinned and openly conceited. Covert narcissists, on the other hand, are generally shy, sensitive and introverted. However, both share similar traits of a lack of concern for others, obsessive self-interest, blaming and criticizing, dishonesty and manipulation.
Finally, this article was written in the interests of self-exploration and self-growth, not as an actual medical diagnosis. Fortunately most empaths are empathetic, but if you suspect that you may harbor any borderline or obvious traits, you’re free to keep reading.
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10 Signs You’re an Empathic Narcissist
For most of my life I strongly believed that I was a kind, patient, caring and empathetic person. This idealized self-image I had created for myself only served to mask the real truth of who I was: that of a self-centered wounded egomaniac who couldn’t truly empathize with others. Don’t worry, I’m not “dissing” myself – it’s the truth! And you know, sometimes I still can be self-centered, but I have improved a great deal since then. By the way, this breakthrough from unempathetic empath to empathetic empath was greatly assisted by Sol who shook me up and put the mirror of Clarity right in front of me.
Since then, I’ve come across a great deal of (what I would consider) empathic narcissists. And yet, at the time of writing this article I’ve never read or actively found information on the topic. So I guess this article is a first!
The greatest danger of identifying as a straight-out empath is that it can blind us to our darker underlying traits. Unfortunately we tend to assume that just because we’re sensitive and can “feel” what other people feel, we automatically become empathetic people who can truly understand and feel compassion/concern towards others.
This is absolutely not the case at all. And in fact, I believe empathic narcissism is more pervasive than we think.
Now, I’m not here to demonize narcissism. In fact, as one lovely wolf commented beneath my last article, narcissists can be like angels in disguise. Narcissists are catalysts of change in people’s lives: they stir up all the old wounds, scars and shadow elements in a person and force growth. Many awakened narcissists (i.e. those who have become self-aware) are also sincere about changing their patterns of behavior. So if you think you may be a narcissist, or have been “diagnosed” as one, just know that this is a “safe” place for you to come out and express your perspectives.
As I mentioned in my last article, covert, or vulnerable narcissists, are sensitive and introverted by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, they overcompensate by creating idealized images of themselves (this is where identifying as an “empath” comes into play). Empathic narcissists tend to believe that they are a victim of everyone’s feelings and thoughts because they feel them so strongly, yet have little genuine tenderness, understanding or compassion towards others.
The essential difference between empathetic empaths and narcissistic empaths seems to be that empathetic empaths permit themselves to feel vulnerable, thus are open to developing empathy for others. On the other hand, narcissistic empaths seem to deny or avoid feeling vulnerable due to their low self-worth, thus are closed to truly caring for others.
Below I’ll narrow down some of the most common symptoms narcissistic empaths experience:
- The tendency to seesaw between acting superior to others and feeling hurt
- Feeling more special and fundamentally different from others
- Intensely upset and offended by any sign of perceived (or real) criticism
- Inability to take responsibility for one’s actions and feelings resulting in constant blame
- Frequently becoming completely consumed in one’s own personal affairs to the point of forgetting about others
- Self-martyrdom as a way of manipulating and controlling others
- Feeling that no one can understand one’s “unique” problems
- Always feeling victimized by the world/life/other people (e.g. others “attacking” you with their energy)
- Perceiving others in extremes (e.g. demonizing a person, or thinking they’re an angel)
- Inability to understand, or blatant lack of interest/regard for the alternative beliefs, upbringings, social conditioning and mindsets of others and the way this impacts their behavior
A couple of days ago I read an article that stated: “All empaths have empathy, but not all people with empathy are truly empaths.” However, everything I’ve seen, heard and experienced has shown me that this is incorrect. In reality, not all empaths have empathy. There is a big difference between feeling an emotion as your own (as empaths do) and actively stepping into the shoes of, understanding, and developing forgiveness and acceptance for another (empathy).
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What to Do …
Not all narcissists are the same, so there is no black and white here. While some seem to be biologically programmed (born that way), others develop narcissism due to environmental and social conditioning factors. For this reason, I can’t speak for all narcissists. Thankfully, there is a lot of evidence that narcissism can be lessened and often even healed. There is no “one size fits all” solution for empathic narcissism, but a great place to start (in my experience) is the cultivation and development of Self-awareness and Self-love.
Shadow work inevitably fits into the process above after self-love has been developed. Personally, all of these steps, as well as being in the presence of an extremely (and shamelessly) honest partner, helped me to cultivate more empathy. But the process can be very long, so have patience!
Your Thoughts
What’s your opinion on empathic narcissism? Are you struggling to genuinely empathize with others despite your identification as an empath? You’re welcome to start a conversation below!
If you would like more clarity, support, and guidance surrounding this topic, please check out our empath book.
Note: When I write about “empathic narcissists” I am referring to a narcissist (or borderline narcissist) who believes themselves to be an empath. Please keep in mind that I am only writing about one type of narcissist here, the vulnerable or covert narcissist. There are also more extreme and violent narcissists that have traits which overlap with antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy – I am not writing about these types of narcissists at all. Due to the sensitivity of vulnerable/covert narcissists, it is easy to idealize themselves as empaths (this is only one of many idealizations). Although this is a touchy subject, I believe it’s important to explore any illusions we may or may not have about ourselves.
I just read your article and I am an empathic narcissist and agree that not all empaths are empathic. I have struggled with this concept most of my life since I learned what an empath is. While I can sense what others are feeling, I have a difficult time putting myself in the other person’s shoes and having empathy or even looking at myself from another’s perspective. It does create a conflict at times because it creates a sense that “others” don’t understand what it is that I’m going through which only stirs up the narcissistic nature by feeling superior to others or feeling slighted. I have tried to overcome this by thinking about how would I feel if it was done to me, which helps to a degree but not totally because the narcissistic side makes me think that I would feel and react differently. The part that disturbs me the most is how easy it is for me to detach my mind and feelings of people and situations. I tend to have an “all or nothing” attitude, only when it serves me, regardless of the other’s feelings. I believe that being an empath causes this mindset because I can tell what people are feeling/thinking that it creates mistrust in others because people have a tendency to lie about trivial things which makes it difficult to empathize with them. So while I am an empath, I am not necessarily empathetic.
We all are on the spectrum between Empath and Narcissist. Both a narcissist and an empath pick up on other people’s feelings, but the empath feels the need to help or support. The narcissist doesn’t. The “all or nothing” attitude that only serves you is narcistic. If a person is an Empath, they are empathic. From the little bit you have written, I’d say that you tend toward the narcissistic side of the spectrum. I guess another way to get insight into yourself would be to think of the times you have helped someone, did you think ahead to what they can do for you in the future? If so, your help was not empathy, it was manipulation.
I am so glad to have found this article! Dealing with an empath narcissist is so tricky- I was so confused because the behaviors could indicate so much sensitivity and kindness etc but then when I would do anything that would disagree with their view, so much coldness and meanness would come out. And the lack of empathy for my feelings was surprising and could feel crushing- following so much love and empathy it felt to me, an empath, that it was something I did because my inclination was to assume the best. So tricky! I also notice that while the ego is strong, the empath abilities- to pick up thoughts or moods- are used in the service of propping up their ego. Thank you for the article! By now I am more secure in my empath identity and in knowing that what I feel is real, but sometimes this pendulum swing of the narcissist empath makes me doubt myself. And really happy you have come on the other side of it! Thank you for sharing so honestly!
I have been with a guy for several years that I do believe is empathic. The problem is he has gone thru alot of unfortunate things… he has been a victim, but also brought plenty of things on himself. He pretty much fits everything on your list of narcissistic empath qualities, and has schizotypal personality disorder. He has his own perspective on everything and becomes enraged if that reality is questioned. I am far from perfect and I think I may be a bit of a covert… but he claims that I constantly gaslight him when I simply don’t understand where he is coming from. Any emotion I have, he feels is an attack on him, and he will intentionally make me feel worse… and in return, that makes him worse. He is deeply wounded, and I’ve only ever wanted to help him… but I know I can’t and that we are extremely toxic together. :(
His rage, turning things around on you, playing the victim, having a perspective on everything as black and white in his eyes, blaming you for gaslighting him, intentionally making you feel worse is his manipulative power play- narcissistic. I don’t think life will ever get any better for you unless you find strategies for dealing with a narcissist. You Tube does have videos something to the effect of 20 things to say to a narcissist to deflate their inappropriate behavior. Some say that narcissists never can change, but since we are all on the spectrum between empath and narcissist, I think maybe some can. If I were you and no children were involved, I’d find someone else. If children are involved I’d only stay if he shows some improvement after therapy. If you have children, you don’t want his overly selfish behavior to be a role model. If he values you, he’ll really try therapy, not just say yes to appease you. You were not put on this earth to be someone’s bi*ch. If he loses you because he doesn’t want to change, he’ll just find another victim to drain. Narcissists are never happy with their partner unless the partner is all serving. Sounds like a slave.
Friendly reminder that narcissists (and by this I mean other commenters, and probably some of your friends) will happily jump on your bandwagon and demonize another person with you, and are generally poor sources for constructive interpersonal advice.
I don’t recommend talking to him about his behavior or anger. I’m guessing you’ve tried this and it didn’t work or ended terribly. You might not find success in trying to fix problems directly, because you’ll be emphasizing “FIX problems” while he may hear “fix PROBLEMS” — sidestep the guilt and insecurities by having good conversations about the beautiful life you want to build together. Narcissism (which may or may not be what your guy has) is often understood as a developmental issue — lots of different types and approaches, but in your case it sounds like constructive key words are the usual where insecurities lurk: safety and love.
Try talking to him about the general vibe. Avoid terms like anger or combativeness that are also suggestive of personality traits — begin as far away possible from the spiralling pull of criticism and ego. You could talk about the kind of environment you both want to come home to, or how you each want conversations between you to feel. Be upfront and specific about the topic and be explicit that the point is to brainstorm and explore positive possibilities for your future, not to criticize each other or compare with how you’ve done things together in the past, and be open and transparent that you want a safe and loving discussion. Ask him if he’s comfortable discussing this for mutual benefit, and if he is willing to help you create a safe and loving conversation about your relationship and help steer it back if it veers into talking about each person. This might seem weird and excessive as an intro to a discussion, but the simplest way to remove ego-based defensiveness and aggression is by creating a safe space where the ego doesn’t expect to be judged (or will be loved in spite of flaws), and respond appropriately to defensiveness by asking if he feels safe and loved in the discussion and what he might need to feel safe, and then taking breaks or establishing rules for the conversation towards mutual safety. As you’re no stranger to emotional danger in your conversations, you absolutely can also use safety mechanisms, but keep in mind that the ego latches onto criticisms, be they the point or not. I recommend letting him use it once or twice first, and if you do need to use it, you could say something like, “Earlier I asked you if you felt safe and loved because how you were replying made me sense you might not, and I wanted to pause to let you know I love you and to help you feel safe and supported. I want to have this conversation in a good way for both of us, and I think I need your help, too. Can you help me identify something we can do to make me feel safe and loved in this conversation?” Safety and love, safety and love, safety and love.
Almost fits. I’m not the same everyday but I can definitely identify with the description of an empathetic narcissist . I do not self-loathe and I don’t have a sense of low worth at all. Does that mean that there is no healing process for me? Of course,I don’t believe that – I just need time.
The mirroring Empath you speak of would be a HEYOKA! And I have come to pretty much the same conclusion as you.
Reading this, I thought it was a very open minded Point of discussion. It actually helped me understand some things about the past as well. I was in a 4 year relationship with a person I believed to be a sociopathic narcissist. Or they at least had many traits similar. Back then I think I was truly an empath; however, my empathy happened to be very misguided and sent out in all the wrong directions. Not only that, but I had lots of anger from PTSD all pent up inside. Well, the problem with that was, I tried way too hard to be “good” that I made all the wrong choices at the time. I was very intense about my relationship and took on many traits I had been exposed to from it. Instead of just trying to understand the situation, I was sucked into it. Believing I was meant to be there and help him get better, I would say that this was my case of narcissistic empathy. I felt as if no one else would tolerate him or help him, so it was my duty. Little did I know, I am not capable of changing someone- only helping them if they truly want to be helped. But what I really learned from this situation is that some of these sick people have so much negative energy just under their surface. When you look into their eyes, care is replaced by needs and wants. They want to suck you in even if they don’t know they are trying to actually do that. Co-dependency formed and after about 2 years into the relationship, we both manipulated each other and hurt each other. I am not proud of my decisions, and I have changed. I may have been a narcissistic empath who thought I could do everything to help that person, thinking only of what I would gain from it. Only to realize I was being played so hard by an intelligent methodical liar, who rubbed their traits off on me without my realization. I would like to believe that their emotion Is coming from tattered old feelings, but I have yet to see one of these really sick people get better. It took a lot for me to recover, and I’d say I’m still recovering. I can only set this apart from myself because I truly do care and did everything I could to help myself get better. Empath’s do often get sucked into toxic behavior. It’s due to all that emotion jumbling up inside us. So it is curious to think that sociopaths and narcissists could possibly be capable of much greater empathy if they could possibly heal? Just a thought.
Empathic narcissism. I never.would.have thought that.was.me, but.reading it
totally.awakened me. Thank you
Wow! This is something I have noticed in myself after I began inner child work 4.5 years ago. I feel a great deal of shame when I see myself with narcissistic behavior. Coming from severe trauma I grew up and was absolutely living out covert narcissism unconsciously as a means of survival and to not be hurt ever again. I continued and still continue seeking help to be my best self. Yet that shadow is still there trying to protect me from everyone. You’re right. It takes a long time to heal, but it is possible. I am amazed by my own transformation over my lifetime. It sucks though when I am in this deep pit of loneliness. Obsessed with how I feel and pretending I am ok and ashamed to share my imperfections at times. I can be the most vulnerable person and share myself with you and then I can retreat and protect and pretend. Thank you for writing this. I don’t feel so alone now. Self love and self care has been my greatest healer and it is apparent when I let up on my daily healthy habits that I begin to sense the dark side take over.
I’m very grateful to you for this article. I’d watched a Sam Vaknin video in which he mentioned this concept, which led me to your article here. I don’t know, but you may find he’s done some more work in this area…?
Thank you for being so open; it’s fascinating, well put together and clearly written from the heart.
I identify with this article in many ways. I have fought off many narcissists- these tend to be people I’ve chosen to date. Over the years I’ve become more aware of who I am, it is hard in this world today as there are many people that are selfish and unfeeling- I do also become confused on when dealing with a partner that is an NPD. To which of the person I truly am. I do have empathy for others – but I can see less and less as I deal with the strong complex narc. I stay Conscience of myself, and watch carefully how I act now.