“Sexuality is one of the ways that we become enlightened, because it leads us to self-knowledge“. ~ Alice Walker
Asexuality, heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, lesbianism … I’m sure you’ve heard of them all at some time or another in your life. But the other day I stumbled across a sexual orientation I’m sure you haven’t heard much of before – the mysterious and puzzling demisexuality. Even as I write this word it’s underlined with a red squiggly line, which shows that it hasn’t even been added to the dictionary yet.
Once I began researching this intriguing breed of sexuality I realized instantly that it was something I should write about. Why? Because I’ve gone through a lot of confusion surrounding my sexual identity in the past, and I’ve learned of the importance of discovering who you are in order to feel comfortable in your own skin.
If you’re unsure about your sexuality, have a read. You may just discover something new and surprising about yourself!
Demisexuality: Still Waters Run Deep
Demisexuality can be located between the asexual and sexual spectrum of human sexuality. This means that the demisexual normally does not experience any feelings of sexual attraction, unless they are first deeply and emotionally connected with someone.
The demisexual is often said to experience no primary attraction towards anyone, which means no attraction towards the immediate outer qualities of a person such as appearance, style or personality. However, the demisexual differs from the asexual in that they experience secondary attraction, which comes as a result of first establishing a deep degree of connection.
As one demisexual put it, the demisexual is:
a person who does not experience sexual attraction based on physical characteristics, but may develop sexual attractions based on an emotional or mental connection.
Olivia Davis, another demisexual also commented that:
demisexuality is about desire and arousal, not just sex and who you do it with. It’s not merely that I’m only interested in having sex with people that I love, it’s also that I feel a complete absence of desire or sexual feelings toward everyone else. Ever. What makes me demisexual is that absence.
The demisexual may also find that forming romantic or sexual relationships can be confusing, difficult and exasperating. This is because they often come across as being just “friends” at first, but can later move on to feelings of intense sexual attraction. As demisexual Olivia Davis goes on to explain:
being demisexual amongst people … can be tricky. It can be hard to figure out exactly what and where your differences are and how to deal with them as they arise.
What Is Your Sexuality?
OK, I know it’s a bit of a personal question, but if after reading this article you’ve discovered that demisexuality describes you perfectly, I’d love to hear your stories below in the comments section! Also, you can take our Demisexual Test!
This connects and makes sense of different aspects of my sexuality/personality I didn’t realize were connected. I never thought of men as hot/sexy based on their appearance any more than women. I can appreciate aesthetically pleasing features in both but never got what other women were talking about when praising someone as cute etc.
I could also never imagine having casual sex. Thought it was because I was raised rahter conservatively and though I think everyone should do what they are comfortable with, I tought that maybe I had internalized the narrative of no sex marriage to the point that I couldn’t “allow” myself to want sex. My current (and only) relationship started off as friendship. After some months of many deep conversations I fell in love and suddenly I started feeling VERY sexually attracted to this man. When we became a couple I was a 23 year old unkissed virgin, I hadn’t even held hands with a man. He was very understanding about it and let me lead the way when it came to the physical side of our relationship always asking how I was feeling about what we were doing and wether I was ok with this or that. I’m so lucky to have found such a man who took the time to get to know me. It took only 3 weeks before I felt ready to have sex and OMG do I enjoy it. My sexdrive has sky rocketed and like trying new things. Maybe not so repressed as I thought ;) and definitely not the prude everyone else thought I was. Even my boyfriend was (pleasantly) surprised how enthusiastic I am about the physical side of the relationship. It’s been almost 2 years and I’ve never felt even the slightest fraction of sexual attraction towards anyone else. Cheating is so out of the question.
And now that I’ve discovered the term demisexual it all falls into place and I’ve realized how all of this is related.
This!! This is me!!!! I’m demisexual!! There’s a word for it!!! Omg. Im not a freak after all!!! Lol. As long as I can remember, I’ve never been attracted to aesthetically pleasing outer qualities of an individual.. I find it very difficult to even IMAGINE having a one night stand.. in fact, just the thought of it (or of having sex with someone with whom I’m not in love) makes my stomach turn! We have to form a relationship with someone on a platonic level, and once a connection is formed, and has evolved into an emotional and mental connection, sexual attraction ensues. This is exactly why I’ve never been able to identify with cheating! This is also why, when I sense I’ve been cheated on, my sexual passion for this person is affected in a huge way, as I can relate to neither the concept of infidelity nor the idea of casual sex, therefore, I feel alienated from my partner. Ha! I’m not alone. I’m proud of who I am! I’m very happy to learn that I’m not alone, though. I just thought everyone on earth was different than me, female and male friends, alike. Thank you for this article!
You kinky emotional freak, here’s a hug from me! I think we all need to stop labelling each other.
Also I forgot to say, I love your use of exclamation marks!
I’ve often been told that my lack of interest on sex is weird, or there was something wrong. I already have a low drive, but I can’t just sleep with anyone. I’m 30 years old, and can count on one hand how many partners I’ve had in my lifetime. People have also called me a prude. I stumbled across something about demisexuality some time ago and realized that this fit me. Each time I’ve been intimate with a guy, I’ve had some sort of deep connection with him. That, and the fact the more I connected to him, the more physically attractive he was to me.
Once again, looking over this article and the comments left by others, my identifying as demisexual strengthens. It’s good to see that I’m not alone, or a freak. That there isn’t anything wrong with me, and my lack of sexual attraction, or desire for those that I’m not connected with.
It even happened with a good friend of mine. He and I talked and became good friends, then the attraction came. It wasn’t something that I could help. That, and the fact that self conscious as it is, makes it difficult for me. I sometimes feel like I don’t belong in this society because of this. So, thank you for sharing this and allowing us to know we aren’t alone in our feelings.
For the past couple of months I’ve been going through a very confusing phase where I’ve been questioning if I’m really heterosexual or not. I’ve been attracted to guys my entire life and this confusion started last year when I was spending too much time on tumblr listening to the wrong people and they made me feel like being attracted to men is wrong and ever since I finally stopped associating myself with these people I’ve been having these intrusive thoughts that tell me that maybe I am gay or bi and they’ve been causing me a lot of stress. I have nothing against gay individuals and think there’s nothing wrong with being gay but these thoughts have been driving me crazy for months now. I know deep down that I’m not bi or lesbian because I have no desire to be with a woman romantically nor sexually but these thoughts make me feel otherwise. I have recently come to learn that what I’m experiencing sounds a lot like HOCD and I’ve found some comfort in knowing that I’m not the only person who feels this way. One of the biggest reasons I started doubting my sexuality is because I have found that I’m not sexually attracted to most guys. In fact, I’ve been this way my entire life. Most heterosexual women always lust over muscular, shirtless men and personally that in itself never actually “did anything” for me. And I’ve never been into porn and I always found it disgusting whenever I’d find myself watching it even if it did turn me on. The only times I’ve ever felt real genuine sexual attraction have been when I have found myself fantasizing about having a boyfriend and having an emotional connection with them and trusting them. I’m 19 and I have never had a boyfriend or have had sex btw so I guess that’s why this also made me doubt myself. Very rarely do I ever feel sexual attraction to any guy unless I see myself forming a true connection with one. I’ve known about the term “demisexual” for a long while now but I never knew I could find myself identifying with it until just reading about it again now. It’s been a very hard couple of months for me because I thought my whole life had been a lie and I thought that maybe I was into women just because I found myself not really feeling attraction towards most men and also because I’ve been really disgusted with the way a lot of people view sex and treat it but now I know that being demisexual is real and that it’s normal and that I’m not the only one who feels this way.
It describes me. I had come across this term before while researching sexuality and had completely forgotten about it.
I recently stumbled upon this again and ended up here as well.
I have been labeled frigid, sexually aloof and even a nun before (but this was by 3 people who projected their insecurities and prejudices onto me).
Two didn’t know me well at all (one was a guy I simply wasn’t interested in, and the other was narcissistic).
The third was a female neighbor (with narc. tendencies and quite a strong desire nature) who I developed a friendship with over time and she just couldn’t stand my Puritan-like essence.
It is not something I aim to be. It is not religious or moralistic.
I don’t condemn/vilify sex, nor do I condone excessive promiscuous sex.
I’m a lover of freedom. I say bang whoever you want, but for the love of god, leave me be and allow me the freedom to be myself.
Doesn’t mean I don’t ever get aroused. I’m a lover of all things beautiful (esthetics).
Though in order to be truly (sexually) comfortable there has to be an emotional connection. Preferably cerebral.
I generally prefer being friends with people before I can feel comfortable sleeping with them.
Yes, I’ve been called all of those things as well. I hate it. Its not something that we can help. It’s just who we are. I’ve even had ex’s that said these things about me. Especially when the relationship began to fade and I grew apart from them. This has happened to me more than once.
Just keep in mind that they just don’t understand, and it though have a problem with you, that’s their issue, and not yours. You’re perfectly normal. You’re not alone either.
Wow! My whole life thinking there was something wrong with me! I was being always criticized because of my views on promiscuity or my need to have a partner that was faithful. I knew it was because I KNOW that being with one being is enough as it takes a lifetime to really join two worlds and make one. I never understood how other people feels fulfilled with “variety”. Therefore, I thought I had some problem with “sexual repression”. I am so glad that I am not alone! And now, I feel so happy to know that I don’t need to change! -I was never going to anyway :)))
Definitely not repressed, just very selective.
I can get freaky (i.e. very sensual) with the right person and then I wanna do X to them and have them do X to me.
Ohhhh yes baby. .. Hahahaha :).
Sex can be very beautiful, fulfilling and healthy. Mmmm.
PS being HSP (highly sensitive) means I easily absorb other people’s energy so I have to be extra careful and selective as to who I meld with energetically, or I get “tainted” and I lose myself.
Being an old soul also reinforces this idea of “having been there, done that – not interested”.
People, we are the way we are for a reason. Honour, embrace and celebrate your individuality and ditch whoever can’t respect that.
Love to you all ❤️
It always seems like men and women that post about sexuality are generally the people that have multiple options for sex partners.
They frame sex and sexuality in a sort of “it’s available to everyone” worldview.
They are concerned mostly with what type of sex or sexuality or mate or relationship, not what sexuality means to those that are generally not seen as good enough to be a potential mate.
It’s always interesting when they justify their blessings in physical appearance by attributing their vast choices to some internal characteristics. They seem completely unable to understand the complexity of an issue that they haven’t dealt with:
Not being “f***able”.
Many, many women and men are no longer seen as even remotely worthy of sex in our society. Our values, even of the more enlightened people, are superficial compared to what they once were.
So much so, that I see people that would be great together… that almost can’t see each other… because there’s no chemistry when they meet. (they are actually just justifying their not finding them f***able instantly)
So some get the luxury of thinking about which type of person they want to have sex with and pondering the reasons why. But for others, it’s not a question of who or why….
… but if.
Just wanted to post this for the people out there that face a different path than those with extensive choices. You aren’t alone.
Thank you for this insightful article. I am glad there is a word for how I view my sexuality. I was very concerned that I was sexually repressed. My friends are sexually active based on attraction, however I need mental/emotional/soul connection to feel an arousal and/or have sex. Can someone explain if being demisexual have anything to do with sexual repression?
A person who is sexually repressed may consider sex dirty, dangerous, wrong, bad or evil and fear it.
Demisexual individuals may consider sex healthy, beautiful, appealing and exciting but only under the right circumstances (as in needing to be really close with this one person who is special to you).
Emotional compatibility, deep bonding and trust are prerequisites to feeling sexually attracted and ‘open’.
Thank You, i found myself now ! Knowing there is so many people like me, makes me feel at home now. Thank you
I’m Laura, I’m 20. Over the past year or so in particular, I noticed that I don’t perceive sexual attraction the same as most people and unlike other people around me I hardly ever cross someone and experience any sort of physical attraction to them. I’d always wondered why that was. I knew I wasn’t asexual because I don’t see sex as just a way to reproduce, I’ve always seen it as a deep romantic act you do with the person you love and the thought of not doing it with someone I love makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. After taking the demisexual test I now understand. I feel like a had a sort of identity crisis and that it’s now been solved lol so I’m glad I found this website.
I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’ve never kissed of even hugged a guy because honestly even doing that with someone unless I really like them would be uncomfortable to me.
Once a met a friend of a friend. He was a few years older than me and was interested in me straight away but just knowing he was interested in me made me uncomfortable. He was rather persistent in trying to get me to go on a date with me but I kept refusing because it was very uncomfortable to me. He then said we could just start off as friends but in the end we never met up. I feel a bit bad that I ran away but now I kind of understand why I did and don’t feel quite as bad about it. I guess I should have given him a chance but through the little time we’d spent together I’d already learnt things about him that I didn’t really like. He had a bad temper and would get rather violent when angry and that scared me.
That’s the closest I’ve ever come to having any sort of relashionship in my life lol.
Omg! You hit it right on the nail for me. I’ve just started seeing this guy and I always stop our “dates” because I haven’t talked to him as much. He’s hugged me and we’ve kissed and it was just really forced and awkward. I hated it honestly. I tried to tell him that I need get to know him better beforehand to see if it will continue/progress. I just discovered demisexual and at least now I can direct him to it. But I don’t think it’ll work out.
Finally realised why as a 54yo gay bloke I’m still single and find gay dating sites extreamly difficult and a waste of time! Same with the gay scene; I tend to stick out like a sore thumb and go home alone at the end of the evening. Maybe now that I know the real reason I can try a different approach
Wow, I get it now.
Hi I’m Linden. I recently discovered that I am demisexual. I’m seeing somebody for the first time in my life and we kiss and fool around when we meet. I want to know if any other demisexuals also experience feelings of sadness when in love. I cry when I kiss my lover because I like seeing her being happy while kissing me but at the same time I do not feel sexual attraction/desire for her. In other words, I kiss her because she wants to kiss me and it kind of makes me feel sad and guilty. I wish to feel the same sexual attraction for her but I just can’t…
Yes, I feel the same way with my boyfriend. I feel like I’m a fake, but I still care for em. That’s why I did it. I just feel off or kind of empty. It’s hard to explain.
I am 30 and have 2 kids. I have had sex because its what I thought I had
to do in a relationship. My kids are 4 and 6. They are 1/2 siblings and
I’m not married nor am I with their fathers. (one passed away, the
other is in our son’s life). I always thought
something was wrong with me. Never even heard of asexual until very
recently. Today I learned about Demisexual.
I want a meaningful
relationship with a man, but I don’t care about having sex. As I said, I
did have sex to hide and to try to get myself to be “normal”. LOL I
often will tell my sisters that I think a guy is “good looking” after I
get to know him a little and discover he has a good personality and I
would
get the “Um, are you ok?” Look because the guy isn’t “good looking,
hot, cute, etc” to anyone else. Maybe even kinda “ugly, dorky, not
‘handsome” or whatever to others.
I’m glad I am not broken or
alone. I am a bit scared because I don’t know what will happen if I try
talking to anyone. Or if I get into a relationship how do I tell the
guy? I know my sisters will always love and except me and they will try
to understand. Anyone have any advise? I just know me. If I really like a
guy, it’ll be after I’ve gotten to know him. Maybe even after I start
falling for him. I already have very low self esteem. What if this
bothers him? I do like a close family friend. Known him and his family
all my life and he and his family have known us for his whole life. I’d
rather keep him as a friend than lose him. What if he doesn’t like me?
(God, I sound like a teenager…I’m sorry about that). I’ve liked him
for at least 4 or 5 years. I don’t see him often anymore, but when I do,
I can’t get him out of my head. I often think “I’ll just ignore my
feelings”… I can’t. Every time I see him, we talk, then I fall more
for him. I feel like the world is messing with me and I some kind of
cosmic joke.
Anyone else go through this?
Hey! I’m so happy to have found this page – this article overwhelmed me!!! I never heard of “demisexual” and I really think this describes an unknown part of me very well…
I made the test and I had 77%…
I’m 26 and i had 4 relationships so far – my first at the age of 15 and the last almost 6 years ago. I had a lot crushes too – for fictional characters when I was in my teens and also for actors meaning older guys but I never felt sexually attracted to them. I liked the characters they impersionate or I imagined a strong bond of friendship or love interest… It was always normal to me I never questioned it. When I started to have first intime experiences I enjoyed it too but only if I liked that boy and when feelings changed it stopped to be joyful… Having one night stands seems to be out of question. I rarely felt sexual attraction like “I’m so horny now I need to change that”. I thought I was shy or just afraid. Friends told me that girls wanna have fun and life’s too short and blaa blaaa. I started to doubt my own sexuality. Were they true? I’m young and gaining experiences will definitely boost my self esteem. It’ll be fun they said. 5 years ago I had my one and only one night stand because I was drunk and because I believed I have to try… it was boring and senseless. One year later I met a new colleague who I first felt sexually attracted to!!! But Having sexual intercourse with him without knowing him made me feel afraid and nervous so I tried to get in touch with him, to go out with him while friends were around and to get to know him better. It didn’t work out because we were colleagues. Anyway, the moment when I truely believed that something must be wrong with me was when I had a deep talk with a former close friend who made me believe that I may be asexual or even lesbian… Because I don’t feel sexual attraction the same or as often as she did. I thought something was wrong with me. So I went to therapy. It was the same year I somehow started my journey of self discovery and acceptance of myself. My therapist helped me a lot to find out who and how I am and that I trusted the wrong people and that I should start trust myself again. Sex wasn’t the main topic after all but I guess it was allright because there were lots of other stuff that needed soul work and acceptance.
In the end I started to find out a lot new things about myself. I’m an introvert and I love life and being by myself. My happiness isn’t depended on another person but only on myself… I like sex but only if I feel a strong bond to the person and if I stay single for another while it’s ok because I want true and deep feelings. So everything is completely right with me… it’s just different and that’s perfectly fine. Thank you everybody for sharing your story and especially thanks to Luna for this article. I guess i’m sort of demisexual and that’s totally fine :-)
Hi. I’m 17 and I feel really identified with what you say. I think you helped me figure something out. Thank you so much
I never heard the term until a facebook friend told me about it after asking if I was Demisexual. At the time O thought I was just Asexual and went with that. Gender never bothered me and the such and I mainly just watched Pron to laugh at cause some can just be fake and humerous. Other than that I just never bothered with it. When people would ask me what I was I would answer Asexual because that what I thought I was and even then I would get hell from people I dated who kept tying to see if I was actually what I said I was and just being rude. I even lost a girlfriend because she wanted sex and I didnt and plenty of people agreed that just three days in was way to fucking early. And she still didnt listen and a boyfriend I had kept pushing it on the second month. But after that I know I thought more about it and just, yeah. I wouldnt have sex unless I really connected with a person, but so far, nobody would give me the time.
So, I know this article came out quite a while ago but I still thought I’d share my story. So, I’m 18 and have never had sex nor have I been kissed. I don’t even know if I’m straight, lesbian or bi. It’s only now i realize that I never felt sexually attracted to a stranger or anyone for that matter but I don’t know if I’m asexual or demisexual. I do find people asthetically attractive but I never really fantasize about having sex but more about kissing someone and kuddling and sharing my life with them. The thing I crave isn’t sex but a relationship but I don’t know if I would want to have sex if I loved someone which I never have. When I’ve had a crush it was always because I thought they had an amazing character but not because I found them sexually attractive.I’m really confused…
I have really only been in one “serious” relationship and it was complicated. As some others have said, I have found guys attractive, occasionally, before but I have always said that I’m an “admire from afar” kinda girl. I didn’t date in high school at all and the formal dances I went to (2 in total), one was with one of my gays, and the other was with my cousin. I never even kissed (or desired to kiss) anyone until after I was 21. My first kiss was from some random guy at the bar who basically just did it without asking.
When guys blatantly flirt with me it makes me very uncomfortable. I actually had to leave a party, at my house, because there was a guy who wanted to hit in me and it weirded me out.
I don’t know much about the ace spectrum but it seems to me that this very well may be where I actually fit in. Just thinking about past relationships with friends (+), after hanging out with him almost constantly, I once fell in love with my gay best friend.
The one boyfriend I’ve had: we hung out and talked for a couple months before we realized that we were “dating” and even though he lived with me for a while, I had zero desire for anything sexual (regarding my body anyway).
A guy I had talked to online a bunch, who worked at the same mall as me, we hung out a few times but after having a movie night one night he went in to kiss me and I couldn’t hang, I just wished him a good night and went home.
The one time I actually had sex with my boyfriend I literally felt nothing. I’m wanting to look into demisexuality more but I really feel that these are my people :)
Hi,
Since everyone seems to be starting with introduction so will I. I’m 25, I’ve had three relationships, two with guys and one with girl, and one that’s kinda going on right now. I have recently been thinking about my sexuality a lot and it has been very confusing for me. Sex has never been a big issue for me and I’ve gone years without. I find really difficult to find a person I’d like to have sex with. Usually just the thought of having sex with someone gives me the creeps. It’s confusing because I still feel the desire to have sex, though I just feel like I might never meet the person with whom it would work.
I started dating this girl few months ago and I like her. Though after the initial crush it’s been kinda lame and I don’t feel much connection to her. We’ve had sex couple of times but it’s, at least for me, mostly been pretty boring and I’ve got nothing out of it. She confronted me about it and asked me if I was sure I wasn’t asexual. I told her I wasn’t sure. I hope I’m not, because I would like to have satisfactory sex someday. I just think it might need a bit deeper emotional connection. I think our relationship isn’t going anywhere because clearly I can’t give her what she wants and to be honest it feels really depressing and doesn’t do any good to self confidence.
I hope that I get to talk about this with a therapist someday because I don’t like feeling like there is something wrong with me because I’m not as enthusiastic with sex as most people seem to be.
But yeah, your reading your comments makes me feel a little bit better and gives me a little bit hope, so thanks for that. :) Courage!