Sexuality is one of the ways that we become enlightened, because it leads us to self-knowledge. – Alice Walker
Asexuality, heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, lesbianism … I’m sure you’ve heard of them all at some time or another in your life. But the other day I stumbled across a sexual orientation I’m sure you haven’t heard much of before – the mysterious and puzzling demisexuality. Even as I write this word it’s underlined with a red squiggly line, which shows that it hasn’t even been added to the dictionary yet.
Once I began researching this intriguing breed of sexuality I realized instantly that it was something I should write about. Why? Because I’ve gone through a lot of confusion surrounding my sexual identity in the past, and I’ve learned of the importance of discovering who you are in order to feel comfortable in your own skin.
If you’re unsure about your sexuality, have a read. You may just discover something new and surprising about yourself!
Demisexuality: Still Waters Run Deep
Demisexuality can be located between the asexual and sexual spectrum of human sexuality. This means that the demisexual normally does not experience any feelings of sexual attraction, unless they are first deeply and emotionally connected with someone.
The demisexual is often said to experience no primary attraction towards anyone, which means no attraction towards the immediate outer qualities of a person such as appearance, style or personality. However, the demisexual differs from the asexual in that they experience secondary attraction, which comes as a result of first establishing a deep degree of connection.
As one demisexual put it, the demisexual is:
a person who does not experience sexual attraction based on physical characteristics, but may develop sexual attractions based on an emotional or mental connection.
Olivia Davis, another demisexual also commented that:
demisexuality is about desire and arousal, not just sex and who you do it with. It’s not merely that I’m only interested in having sex with people that I love, it’s also that I feel a complete absence of desire or sexual feelings toward everyone else. Ever. What makes me demisexual is that absence.
The demisexual may also find that forming romantic or sexual relationships can be confusing, difficult and exasperating. This is because they often come across as being just “friends” at first, but can later move on to feelings of intense sexual attraction. As demisexual Olivia Davis goes on to explain:
being demisexual amongst people … can be tricky. It can be hard to figure out exactly what and where your differences are and how to deal with them as they arise.
What Is Your Sexuality?
OK, I know it’s a bit of a personal question, but if after reading this article you’ve discovered that demisexuality describes you perfectly, I’d love to hear your stories below in the comments section! Also, you can take our Demisexual Test!
Omg my roommate is exactly like that screams on the on the other side of the door and forces you to listen and talks to herself on purpose I think or hope. She cannot stop talking about herself or work blah blah blah blah. You got a second to say something before the conversation is back to her.
the most difficult is to live in a hypersexualized society .
before knowing I am demisexual, I thought people were crazy and superficial.
I didn’t understand how possible to have sexual aroussal towards strangers, without seduction, or only because of pictures of them on a dating app. and I was in depression because assaulted by sexual allusions or attouchements at every interaction, every messages, of people I did not know yet. it was exhausting. I also never understand pornography because you don’t desire someone but piece of bodies. now I understand that I’m just different and I have to find people like me.
If only I had come across this very informative information years ago! I have never felt like I was the “normal” male. I was never the type that had multiple sexual partners. I could never quite grasp the concept of a quick “one night stand” either.
I need to feel that “connectivity” with a person before I ever allow myself to get to close to him/her.
And all these years I thought I was the odd man out…… Thanks for this enlightening article.
This is all new to me because I never known I am a Demisexual. All my life I felt left out and I thought I was crazy for not being attractive to anyone or love anyone because I never felt connected to anyone.
This article was extremely useful! Thank you for writing it. It answered a very confusing question about myself in relation to my primary sexual orientation. Again, thank you for writing it.
That describes me so perfectly n is nice to know there a label to how I feel but in today’s world how to deal wit such