Sexuality is one of the ways that we become enlightened, because it leads us to self-knowledge. – Alice Walker
Asexuality, heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, lesbianism … I’m sure you’ve heard of them all at some time or another in your life. But the other day I stumbled across a sexual orientation I’m sure you haven’t heard much of before – the mysterious and puzzling demisexuality. Even as I write this word it’s underlined with a red squiggly line, which shows that it hasn’t even been added to the dictionary yet.
Once I began researching this intriguing breed of sexuality I realized instantly that it was something I should write about. Why? Because I’ve gone through a lot of confusion surrounding my sexual identity in the past, and I’ve learned of the importance of discovering who you are in order to feel comfortable in your own skin.
If you’re unsure about your sexuality, have a read. You may just discover something new and surprising about yourself!
Demisexuality: Still Waters Run Deep
Demisexuality can be located between the asexual and sexual spectrum of human sexuality. This means that the demisexual normally does not experience any feelings of sexual attraction, unless they are first deeply and emotionally connected with someone.
The demisexual is often said to experience no primary attraction towards anyone, which means no attraction towards the immediate outer qualities of a person such as appearance, style or personality. However, the demisexual differs from the asexual in that they experience secondary attraction, which comes as a result of first establishing a deep degree of connection.
As one demisexual put it, the demisexual is:
a person who does not experience sexual attraction based on physical characteristics, but may develop sexual attractions based on an emotional or mental connection.
Olivia Davis, another demisexual also commented that:
demisexuality is about desire and arousal, not just sex and who you do it with. It’s not merely that I’m only interested in having sex with people that I love, it’s also that I feel a complete absence of desire or sexual feelings toward everyone else. Ever. What makes me demisexual is that absence.
The demisexual may also find that forming romantic or sexual relationships can be confusing, difficult and exasperating. This is because they often come across as being just “friends” at first, but can later move on to feelings of intense sexual attraction. As demisexual Olivia Davis goes on to explain:
being demisexual amongst people … can be tricky. It can be hard to figure out exactly what and where your differences are and how to deal with them as they arise.
What Is Your Sexuality?
OK, I know it’s a bit of a personal question, but if after reading this article you’ve discovered that demisexuality describes you perfectly, I’d love to hear your stories below in the comments section! Also, you can take our Demisexual Test!
OK I do identify with Demi sexuality but I’m curious of is there a spectrum one that is still Demi but slightly more towards sexual
Thank you for writing this article. And here I thought I was frigid!! I am a 62 year old woman who has been divorced over 35 years. My longest relationship post-divorce lasted almost 4 years and began on the heels of my father’s, my hero’s passing in 2005. I loved every essence of that man but then he cheated. It was an act I couldn’t get over, and so I broke up with him. That was 11 years ago. I’ve often said that something has died in me rendering me incapable of falling in love; being in a long term relationship for I have no desire to hook up with anyone, get involved with or egad! marry anybody just because society deems it so or because everyone around me is. I have never cheated and the thought of one night stands or casual sex disturbs me. Most of my friends are male and admittedly, I have been attracted to some of them, especially the ones who could challenge me mentally in conversation or those I could learn something from, but still can’t imagine myself having sex with them lest I ruin the friendship and the intellectual titillation. So, I guess I’m a sapio-demisexual person and at this point have made peace with it.
Thank you so much for writing your article on demisexuality.
I recently stumbled across the term on a social media app I use, and was curious about what it ment. When I looked into it further, and read your article, I was surprised at how much it explained myself. I had never considered myself lgbt, but I do now.
It is a massive relief to know that something isn’t just wrong with me, and it would also explain other aspects of my life. Thank you so much for helping me come to this conclusion, and to answer so many questions about myself.
Interesting article, but this selftest is misleading, I got the result “demisexual” just because of my paraphilias, I`m not demisexual, just not normal. Maybe the test should be more specific by outruling other possibilities for similar answers/symptoms.
Basically this isn’t new. Some people have always been more mentally stimulated than physically like me. I can go to a strip club and see a man admire his beautiful body but I don’t feel sexually aroused. Women for example usually need more mental warm up to get turned on then men. That’s always been the case. It’s all about our hormones. But yes some men now that they don’t have to use their testosterone as much to hunt and provide, some do like mental stimulation as well but men can see a naked woman dancing sexual and get a boner more easier than women, but not all work that way. This is all about majorities of course their are always exceptions based on how we socialize, maybe how your taught in church etc. what you see growing up. Like I’m not a fan of masturbation as it makes me craze human connection even more. So sorry to hear so many people are suffering or feeling strange or confused about this. It is crazy. Remember for thousands of years marriage was arranged not based on attractions or love. we have to figure out how to openly discuss in families or have a separate course you can take but I don’t think we need all these titles it’s exhausting. I was researching what the heck is Asexual and found most just don’t crave human sex. But if you masturbate that to me isn’t asexual. Which lead me here. Porn and internet is ruining human connection. Eventually people won’t mate just have babies in a bag with an ID that tells you who you can mate with if you desire to prevent incest. We already have problems with artificial insemination not being tracked. But what a lonely society. Couples can be more financially successful as well as it creates a balance in the home if it’s a good relationship. I was divorced and single for long time with a child but recognize things could have been much better had I had a reliable partner long term. Like when you age, who will be their for you? Make sure there are no other mental barriers tho as to why you struggle and then just be social. Once you know what you like the feeling will happen automatically. We don’t want a bunch of single people, childless people in old age or everyone gonna need long term care insurance.
Omg my roommate is exactly like that screams on the on the other side of the door and forces you to listen and talks to herself on purpose I think or hope. She cannot stop talking about herself or work blah blah blah blah. You got a second to say something before the conversation is back to her.
the most difficult is to live in a hypersexualized society .
before knowing I am demisexual, I thought people were crazy and superficial.
I didn’t understand how possible to have sexual aroussal towards strangers, without seduction, or only because of pictures of them on a dating app. and I was in depression because assaulted by sexual allusions or attouchements at every interaction, every messages, of people I did not know yet. it was exhausting. I also never understand pornography because you don’t desire someone but piece of bodies. now I understand that I’m just different and I have to find people like me.
If only I had come across this very informative information years ago! I have never felt like I was the “normal” male. I was never the type that had multiple sexual partners. I could never quite grasp the concept of a quick “one night stand” either.
I need to feel that “connectivity” with a person before I ever allow myself to get to close to him/her.
And all these years I thought I was the odd man out…… Thanks for this enlightening article.
This is all new to me because I never known I am a Demisexual. All my life I felt left out and I thought I was crazy for not being attractive to anyone or love anyone because I never felt connected to anyone.
This article was extremely useful! Thank you for writing it. It answered a very confusing question about myself in relation to my primary sexual orientation. Again, thank you for writing it.
That describes me so perfectly n is nice to know there a label to how I feel but in today’s world how to deal wit such