Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery
We usually think of hate as the antithesis emotion of love but it’s not, hate still has an emotional involvement. Fear is the opposite of love. While love expands, fear shrinks, while love joins, fear separates, while love trusts, fear doubts and while love opens, fear closes.
So what happens when one of our deepest fears in life is that of being unloved? The ultimate separation occurs.
Because we live in a culture that fears being alone, being rejected, feeling unworthy and unlovable, we confuse love with attachment, dependency, sexual attraction, romantic illusion, lust, infatuation, or obligation. So why exactly is love a selfish affair? We’ll explore that more in this article.
Love as a Desire
Our perception of love and our language of love encourages us to think of love as a quantifiable substance (“make love“, “fallen in love“, “lots of love“), something that can be given, received, and taken away. Love, like everything else in a consumerist society, has been turned into a commodity, an object of pleasure or happiness.
Movies and songs tell us that love hurts. But when love hurts, it’s not love anymore, but an immense desire we create that manifests itself in a variety of ways: our desire to get rid of the fear of loneliness or rejection, our desire to indulge in needy attachment, our desire to satisfy our possessive need for control.
As a child we were taught that liking something, or loving something, were only different degrees of the same thing. “I love that car“, “I love this show“, “I love this food”. What was really meant is that: “I really really like this car/show/food“.
Liking is a very superficial emotion. Today you like a music band but in a few years, you might outgrow it. Love, however, is the opposite. While liking is temporary and is an external superficial emotion, love is boundless and deep. Love is what allows you to see another person’s soul and admire their essence.
To grow up thinking that loving something is wanting it very badly creates a lot of the typical problems we see all the time within relationships. Jealousy for example isn’t a symptom of love, it’s a symptom of desire – in other words: to want something so badly that you are afraid that someone else might take it away, like a toy. Pure love is different from this; it is knowing that there’s no need to own something or someone beautiful by making it yours, instead, you simply celebrate their existence.
Love is all-selfless. But why do we turn it into desire? Why do we objectify it in order to gain something out of it? Before being capable of appreciating love’s selflessness, we must first cultivate selfishness.
Love is Impossible Without Self-Love
“Why is it you love someone?”
Whenever I come across couples who are struggling in a relationship I ask them that question. Usually they’ll say it’s because the other person makes them feel a certain way, or they like the same things and have so much in common.
The truth is that many people love each other because the other person provides something for them. For example: they don’t like being alone and the other person gifts them with their company, or they have intense insecurities that the other person calms and soothes. But if two people are sad alone how can they be happy together?
The worst part is when we begin using the other person as a tool, a means towards a purpose: making us happy. You aren’t just exploiting and disrespecting another person by using them as a tool, but by putting your happiness in another person’s hands you are disrespecting yourself. You are failing to love yourself.
Happiness never comes from outside of us, it only comes from within. As soon as you put your happiness in another person’s hands, you are avoiding responsibility for you life and for your well-being. Yet this is what we do all the time when we make our marriage vows. When we have no respect for ourselves or the other person, there is a war of control because each person feels responsible for the other. “I have to control you because I don’t respect you. I have to be responsible for you, because whatever happens to you is going to hurt me, and I want to avoid pain.”
Unless you cultivate self-love before entering a relationship, everything will be off-center. Relationships only work if you control your side of the relationship, and the other controls theirs. Abusive relationships are the perfect example of a lack of Self-Love before entering a relationship; the amount of self-abuse you inflict on yourself will be the same as the amount of self-abuse you accept from others.
Another example of a lack of love for yourself (outsourcing your happiness) and your lover (disrespecting them) can be found in relationships that are created in order to “change” or “improve” another person. This is only really a mask to cover low self-worth, and a way to make you feel better about yourself. You either love a person the way they are, or you don’t. You either accept a person the way they are, or you don’t. From the beginning you should find someone who is compatible with your views and your values — emotionally, physically, economically, and spiritually.
If you can’t love yourself, you will never truly believe that anyone else can love you – you will always feel unworthy. Without Self-Love you are a starving beggar accepting any form of “love” that anyone will throw at you. We see Self-Love starved beggars everywhere in society. For example, it’s common to hear people complain that their lovers or spouses don’t truly understand them, when in the first place these people accepted love, affection and attention in exchange for fitting in with certain standards and expectations from their lovers, essentially denying the person they truly are, their authenticity.
With enough Self-Love you are like a King or Queen, you enter a relationship as an equal to your beloved; there is no begging, you don’t need anything from them because with Self-Love you already have happiness and everything else that you want. There are no conditions and you don’t avoid your personal responsibility – you simply enjoy the company of your beloved without thinking of them as a body, a bank account, a source of energy, attention, flattery, or happiness for you – as a means towards an end.
If you don’t love yourself, you can’t share what you don’t have. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else either.
Unconditional Love
Love can never be a means towards something else. True love has to be aimless and pointless (lacking purpose) to keep its beauty, its fragrance and its joy. When there’s a destination in mind, the journey loses its value. Love can have no conditions.
When you enter a relationship be aware that your fulfillment can never be found in the other person, each person is responsible for their own happiness. If you do so you’ll unconsciously begin judging them, controlling them and demanding that they should be all the things you need them to be, and that will hinder their authenticity. You’ll end up disillusioned, disappointed and resentful; the main feelings that destroy most relationships.
Love is unconditional but fear is full of conditions. These conditions hinder the authenticity of the ones we care about because of our selfish demands and expectations. Unfortunately, this is what we call in our society “love”. Love sets someone free so you can fly beside them, whereas selfish love is finding a free bird and caging it up in your living room. Every time you look at the person it reminds you of your guilt and self-dislike, and the fact that you took that freedom away from them.
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Selfishness comes from poverty of heart, from the erroneous perception that love is quantifiable and there’s a scarcity of it.
Once you’ve found so much love and respect for yourself, you will come across someone else who is enjoying their inner richness as well. Finally you will find that there are no desires or expectations that arise, and suddenly you both begin to experience the pure pleasure of sharing the presence of the other person who is whole unto themselves, who isn’t trying to steal, gain or possess something.
It is only when we find Self-Love that we witness the height of love reflected in the eyes, heart and soul of another; this is where the boundaries between our individual ego and the others begins to melt away. That is when we proclaim with all clarity that the imaginary lines don’t exist, and I and You are One.
We could say that love is frequency, a vibration, a state of consciousness that can never run out because it’s not a quantifiable object. True love can never run out: the more we spend it, the quicker and denser it grows within us.
Nobody can truly describe what love is, but if you are aware of what it’s not, you can stop confusing yourself.
Do you have any thoughts as to how this might apply to the concept of monogamy? I wonder about this, because I’m interested in the idea of semi-monogamous relationships, or a small group of people who are co-involved but don’t sleep around outside the group. To me, this seems safer and more reliable and more likely to result in a community environment than either monogamy or open polyamory, but at the same time it may fall under the umbrella of being possessive, since it would exclude anybody who might want to have short flings etc. I can also admit there’s an element of jealousy to this, but I have a hard time with getting the difference between selfish and possessive jealousy and the desire to set boundaries for your own wellbeing in this situation
Hi Mateo!
It’s a great article right there so thanks for this one. Still, maybe pure love should be more appropriate than unconditionnal love. Even when you truly “love” someone for who the person is, to have only this person with all her caracteristics to love is a condition. If we could really love unconditionnally, we would be able to, I think, love everyone the same way. And even there, it still needs to have the condition for someone to have the right mindset or it won’t happen. Love is no magic.
“Pure love is different from this; it is knowing that there’s no need to own something or someone beautiful by making it yours, instead, you simply celebrate their existence.”
EEP! THIS IS BEAUTIFUL :)
Eg, you want your book to be published so badly you wouldn’t mind if the whole world thought someone else wrote it, because you know the words are out there and making people smile/laugh/feel represented.
What kinds of pure love have you seen in real life? Maybe a mother who is willing to let her daughter move to another country even if she’d rather hold on?
A few days ago, I wrote a story of a beggar on the streets begging from everyone, living off scraps, & unable give them anything in return. Someone comes along who gives them a $100 bill, and they get angry at the beggar for having nothing to give in return! Money being a simile for love – neither of these people fully understood what love is.
I found your website yesterday, & now reading this today shows me how perfect timing your words are for me. Feels good to be ready for the next step!
Pardon me, Sol, but I think the opposite of love is indiference. When we love someone, we are interested in them and their actions affect us. But when we don’t love one, we couldn’t care less about what will happen to them.
Hi Mateo,
I thoroughly reading this article as it has taught me a lot about love. In the article you mentioned that love should not be a means to an end like making us happy. You also said that true love meant simply enjoying each other’s company. Isn’t that the same thing? Enjoying a person’s company would also mean their company makes you happy. Could you clarify on this?
Yes sharing happiness does make us happy as well but you can’t share what is not inside of you already. Happiness as well as love has to already be within you. You must be able to be happy no matter what your relationship status is, so finding true love should not be motivated by wanting happiness but by sharing the happiness you already poses. If that makes sense.
I entered marriage with fear. Had negative experiences with my mom and siblings after my father’s death and definitely worried I was unlovable. However, I had hope (I was young). So I did “fall in love” and later realized it was about how he made me feel – I loved being loved. He fits the description of the above though: he had no “conditions” or expectations once we married. He was content with nothing but my company. He actually said “now that we’re together I don’t have to prove I love you”. He didn’t join me when I searched for a place to stay, he stopped initiating sex, he spent all his free time working on a car- somehow, as selfish as I thought my love was, he turned out to be even more selfish. He liked being married- he just didn’t want to be a husband. We were roommates, and he refused and fought against divorce without once fighting for us. It was about him. It’s over finally, but I’ve never understood why he took so long to end things, or why he married me when he seems like those guys you hear about in relationships for years but not interested in marriage. I googled “is marriage about validation” and “is romantic love selfish” because I know for me, that’s what started it – I did mature, my love deepened, but it was still tied to how lonely he made me feel. So, I’ve sworn off traditional relationships for now.
Sounds like exactly what I went through. Once we moved in together he told me, now that he had “secured” me he felt like he didn’t have to do all of the things he did to get me in the beginning. He was mostly just a roommate than my fiancé. The mask fell off and he showed his real self. After I got away from him and the emotional and mental abuse I went through after that, I found out he is a covert narcissist. Literally the worst relationship I had ever been in but if it wasn’t for the selflove I have I think he would have broken me even more and I may not have been able to get away from him and his manipulative ways.
Hi Mateo! How are you doing? I hope that you are doing fine! I have read your article a year ago, and I remembered that it was longer. Do you still have the whole thing? Thanks!
Hola Anaid,
From memory I can’t remember editing the article since it was published, perhaps you’re confusing it with one of my other articles on love and relationships?
I frequently enjoy reading articles off this site, but I had to make an account to comment on this one.
This is so beautiful, insightful, and well written. You have expressed so perfectly what I have been trying to relay, with frustrating results, to others. Thank you for taking the time to write this. It has reminded me of my own authenticity, of others’ authenticity, and how the world is truly a celebration of each individual essence!
Thank you for your lovely comment.
I’m flattered knowing it’s helped so many find their authentic essence within their relationships or provided them with a new perception for those who are still looking.
Warmly,
Sol
Is it possible to work toward this kind of love whilst already in a relationship? I am currently navigating my way to being more truly myself, but feel as though I have to give everything up (including my current partner) in order to start anew and with fresh eys. This is deeply upsetting. I have a very healthy and supportive relationship…though I am unsure now, reading this, what basis on which we love one another :(
It’s possible to find this love within a relationship so long as both people are prepared to openly change any established dynamics that exists.
Just because a relationship is currently ‘working’ doesn’t meant it’s a healthy one, chaos finds unique ways to appear balanced when we are relating to others.
If you are both truly meant to be together, you’ll both adapt and grow within the relationship.
this was just lovely. thank you for writing it. newly in a relationship that’s looking like you describe, i think back over all the years i didn’t love myself and wondered why i couldn’t find anyone to love me. People would say sweetly, “you just haven’t met the right person yet.” and what i began to realize was that I wasn’t the right person; my self loathing was turning me inside out and i only showed the ugliest parts of myself, begging for someone to love them. only after i looked down and loved every icky part of me, did i look up and the love of my life was standing there. magic, was something i wanted to believe in but didn’t. i believe in magic now. self love leads to miracles, magic and magnificent true love :)
It’s my pleasure Ingrid to be able to share my own discoveries with others and learn they too have strolled down the same paths in life.
The simplest way I’ve found to describe this is that, unless we learn to relate to ourselves, we cannot relate to another in a relationship.
It’s a shame as a community we’re inclined to go down the easy path, to assume that we fail in love because ‘we haven’t found the right one’. We’d rather wait for ‘luck’ to find someone who’s equally as broken as we are and matches us, than cultivate growth through effort, friction and awareness.
In the end, these experiences we’ll help us share wisdom with those who are receptive.
Back when pterodactyls flew, I married. The marriage was a four year one night stand. Two nice people who did not bring out the best in one another because of differing values, ethics, etc. Thank
goodness no children. When it was over, had all kinds of messages on my bedroom mirror: Love Me,
Me First,etc. Some months later, at a family holiday dinner, I was having trouble posing for a photo.
My cousin said think of someone you love. Shot taken. My cousin’s wife, a therapist, asked me who
I had thought of,. My answer: Me! That deep abiding love sustained me through some challenging
times. After a bit, met and married the love of my life (now deceased), said we’ll be together beyond
infinity. Is that possible, Sol? I hope so
Thank you for sharing your story Sea. An everlasting love is definitely possible; perhaps in different forms so as long as neither of you has transcended to become an Awakened Soul which will brake the cycle.
I don’t know if I want to be an awakened soul then if that were to break the cycle of everlasting love..
This depends on the type of love we’re talking about. There’s love from one ‘self’ to another ‘self’, which is beautiful but has no comparison to the love that mystical teachings such as the Sufi’s talk about where true Love (with a capital) is felt when our Souls merge with existence. It is like the love felt between two individual Souls, but infinitely (or cosmically) deeper.
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