An outsider is a person who quite simply does not fit in with existence-as-we-know-it.
Such a person is a fringe dweller, a black sheep, a social oddball, and a displaced alien endlessly coexisting in a society that doesn’t feel like home.
On this website, we refer to the outsider as the “lone wolf” who walks through life with a feeling of inner disconnection from the wider “norms” of society.
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This bone-deep isolation often gives birth to the search for freedom, acceptance, and a true place to call home.
Chances are that if you’ve read this far, you can probably relate to feeling like an outsider looking in – and never quite finding that elusive sense of “belonging somewhere.”
Fear not! There’s a reason why you feel this way, and it’s not because there’s something defective or “wrong” with you.
In fact, despite what you may feel about yourself, others, and the world, being an outsider looking in is actually a huge advantage. I’ll explain to you why.
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Why Do I Feel Like an Outsider Looking In?
“Why do I feel like an outsider looking in?” – I’ve asked myself this question ever since I was about 6 years old.
For me, the sensation of being an outsider was triggered by painful shyness and my unconventional upbringing (aka. being raised by fundamentalist Christian parents).
In fact, I was practically hand-fed since birth with the idea that I was an “alien on this earth,” and that Jesus could come back at any time and take me to my “true home” in heaven. (Yep … enough said.)
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Yet the feeling of being an outsider runs much deeper than religious brainwashing or being classed as one of the “unpopular kids” in school.
To me, this feeling of being an outsider looking in is something intrinsic, subterranean, and seemingly fundamental to my experience of being a human.
And I know that you feel it too …
… otherwise, why would you be reading this article?
Perhaps you’ve also carried this unshakable feeling within you; that of being a nomad and wanderer in life. No matter how close you get to others, that feeling of being an outsider is always looming in the background:
it’s present in your interactions with people, your observations, dreams, desires, and motivations – and it awaits you at the beginning and end of your day.
I think you know what I mean. (And it’s this very feeling that, in truth, has motivated me to write everything I’ve ever written.)
But why do we feel this way?
I’ve done a lot of soul searching when it has come to this question. What I’ve discovered is that obviously there are many possible reasons for feeling like an outsider.
But the most significant reason I’ve found to date is all to do with the soul – that inner spark of divinity within us.
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We’re all born with a soul but not all of us continue to maintain this deep inner connection as we grow older. Shamanic cultures call this disconnection soul loss. But that inner knowing that something is missing or askew is called a spiritual awakening.
As such, those of us who feel like outsiders quite simply are ‘awake’ to something others in society aren’t.
Outsiders & the Existential Crisis
Put simply, at the core of feeling like an outsider looking in is the sense that something is not quite right. We feel that we don’t belong because we can’t relate to the people or environments around us.
The end result of feeling this lack of belonging is that we don’t feel truly seen or heard (or we don’t feel safe enough to let ourselves be seen or heard).
And we don’t feel seen or heard because those people and situations don’t meet a deep soul need within us. Why? Because these people and situations lack substance – aka. everything feels very surface-level and unsatisfactory.
To borrow Buddhist terminology, we sense on an intuitive gut level that the world we’re living in is full of Dukkha (suffering), and the feeling that something is missing doesn’t quite leave us.
Such an unnerving feeling that the world doesn’t match up to our deeper soul needs gives rise to a kind of existential crisis. For some people, this existential crisis may be a consistent hum in the background, and for others, such feelings may evolve into a kind of dark existential depression.
But one thing is almost guaranteed. Feeling like an outsider looking in often leads to a spiritual awakening in which one goes in search of deeper answers.
If you’ve felt like an outsider for most of your life, you are almost certainly a highly sensitive and spiritually receptive person.
You have experienced firsthand how isolating the ego can be. You know how unnatural it is to live in a society that is obsessed with fame, status, money, and power. You know how superficial, senseless, and insane living an ego-centered life is.
But you can’t quite verbalize this. You can’t quite understand what you’re going through because you’re inundated with feelings of being “strange,” “weird,” “different,” and “unworthy.”
You long for a home that you’ve never even experienced; a place to feel completely understood, loved, and cherished.
That place is your soul.
It is your soul — your True Nature — that seeks to experience itself again.
In other words, deep down, what you’re really craving for is home.
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Why Being an Outsider is a Spiritual Path
Although it can be lonely feeling like a social outsider, I’m here to remind you that there is a lot of power and potential in this sacred path.
Yes, you heard me correctly.
Being an outsider is a path in and of itself – it requires you to trailblaze a new direction that hasn’t been walked before. Where that path leads is entirely up to your soul.
In reality, feeling like an outsider is a crucial motivator for starting the spiritual journey. What else would motivate you to search for your true home and sense of belonging?
The very fact that you feel like an outsider indicates that your soul is trying to guide you toward true love, understanding, and freedom (i.e., home).
Almost every person I’ve spoken to on the spiritual path has identified with this feeling of being an outsider looking into a world that doesn’t feel like home.
All of these people have expressed a level of soulful sensitivity that surpasses the average person. In other words, these people saw beyond the pretensions of others, the rat race of daily living and felt like there was much more to life than meets the eye.
Instead of unquestionably accepting what they had been taught, these outsiders were inquisitive and curious freethinkers.
Unfortunately, we’re often taught that being an outsider is a “bad” thing, and no wonder — biologically we’re made to stay within the safe confines of our species’ groups.
But there comes a moment in life when we realize that “playing by the book” is a miserable and unfulfilling absurdity. (Just look at all those people who followed the rules, got a good career, wife, children, solid salary, socially-approved status … and ended up miserable, empty, lonely, killing themselves, or dying prematurely due to stress-related illnesses. I’m sure you know one, or a dozen of them.)
So while being an outsider may seem isolating, it is actually profoundly beneficial for your life. I wish everyone had the opportunity to feel like an outsider because being an outsider is a catalyst for self-fulfillment, self-mastery, and self-realization.
If you have ever read the archetypal story of The Hero’s Journey from Joseph Campbell (that is repeated in every culture, time, and period), you’ll realize that being an outsider is actually necessary for finding your true purpose and meaning of life.
So the very fact that you feel like an outsider is actually a good sign: you’re on the right path!
The 9 Hidden Powers of Social Outsiders
It’s important that we learn to think of being a lone wolf or free spirit as a good thing.
Many indigenous cultures, such as those in Africa and Australia, actually encourage the younger members to go out alone in the wilderness to find themselves as a rite of passage.
Without accepting that isolation and feeling alone is part of experiencing true connectedness, we get lost very easily. We start believing everything is wrong with us, when in fact, we are simply being driven to pursue something of more depth and spiritual significance.
If you’re receptive to your soul, it is only natural that you’ll feel displaced in this world. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Here are the nine major benefits of being an outsider:
1. You’re no longer brainwashed and constrained by the rules and beliefs of society as you can easily see through them.
2. You have more freedom to listen to the voice of intuition within yourself – and this will guide your entire life.
3. You have enough solitude to discover what being true to yourself means in a society that is always trying to undermine your authenticity.
4. You can see the bigger picture and not get lost in the details.
5. You can connect with your soul more easily than others.
6. You have been given the space and room to grow in whatever way you like and be a free spirit.
7. You have the opportunity to experience greater connection by finding a like-minded group of people or a soul family.
8. Your ability to observe others gives you a greater capacity for wisdom and also compassion.
9. You have the necessary catalyst to experience true self-fulfillment and spiritual ascension should you choose that path.
Although being an outsider can be terribly lonely, it is a privileged position.
Leaving the herd of humanity allows you to flourish and blossom in ways you never could experience while being “normal” and socially “acceptable.”
To end, let me leave you with a profound quote from spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle to contemplate:
Being an outsider, to some extent … makes life difficult, but it also places you at an advantage as far as enlightenment is concerned. It takes you out of unconsciousness almost by force.
(The Power of Now)
What does being an outsider mean to you?
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I don’t see being outcast as a positive thing for me. I was scapegoated by my narcissistic mother and sister who is the golden child. My father is an enabler. I have always been obese and I was mercilessly bullied in school. I have cptsd and psychotic depression which has landed me in the psych ward many times. I also have a child who hates me and has disowned me because he blames me for my mental illness. I have another child with profound level 3 autism and severe intellectual disability living in a care facility now. My child who hates me blames me for not giving him a normal sibling too. My husband will likely pass away soon as he has cancer and I’ve been his caregiver. I also know I will never experience the joys of having grandkids but my golden child sister is a blessed grandmother as she has healthy kids. All of my life I’ve been an extreme outcast, and this theme is continuing into my later years. You only focus on the positive things about being an outsider but I can’t relate. Everyone treats me like I’m invisible or if they don’t they shame me for one reason or another. I must be paying back for some heavy karma to have lived such a sad existence which will continue.
I was given this article recently and am amazed at how consistent it is with my own life situations. This appears to be not only a growing phenomenon in the midst of our spiritual evolution of consciousness but has been a necessary “rite of passage” for many people throughout the entire history of humanity.
Actually, ironically enough, most human beings feel like an outsider in some way, not just a minority of people, as people think. It doesn’t make you less human to be an outsider. Feeling like an outsider. . . is one of the many things that make us human, you see. Perhaps it’s such a common feeling because there’s such a narrow space of self-expression in society, where only the top 1% reach the high standards of society, if at all. I mean, not everyone is a rich billionaire, with an incredibly fit body, a successful love life, who is incredibly loved/famous, and also fits the traditional expectations of society. Actually, by the standards of society, it doesn’t even accept the average “normal” person, if there even is such a thing as a normal person. If anything, most people fall short of society’s expectations, and even famous celebrities can disappoint or be hated by a lot of people, so maybe there is no one who truly is never excluded by others in society. This is because we as a society, don’t just accept some types of people, but we don’t accept characteristics common to all humans in general. That is, being flawed, having strong emotions, needing other people sometimes, needing to be alone sometimes, just having needs in general, having unique personalities, or having a different set of likes/dislikes from everyone else. If you think about it, no one in society is really acceptable by the impossible standards of society. It’s just some people can fake being perfect better than others, when that’s not really the case. We live in a society where we consider being human a disease, and the only solution is to act like we are gods/goddesses instead, because as long as you act human, no one will accept you fully.
This is a MERCY that I found your SIGHT. I’ve been up all night (AGAIN) and if you’ll forgive me = IN SO MUCH MENTAL PAIN; IT ALMOST FEELS AS IF MY SOUL HAS LITERALLY BEEN “GIVING BIRTH.” SUCH A RELIEF THAT I AM ACTUALLY BLESSED AND UNIQUE, OWNING OF AN “OLD SOUL.” (PERFECT EXPLAINATION !!! ) LOVE, C.
Fifty four years ago I went for my tutorial. The Professor stood looking out of the window and said, “I have been trying to place you in time and I can get no nearer than the eighteenth century”. For myself I would have made that seventeenth. However your page on Old Souls is the first time I felt as it were – at home.
Timely offering, indeed! As a Lone Wolf (I like to think not entirely by choice ;) Gemini who has been fortunate to live long enough to realize both the blessing and necessary struggle of being Me (although, really describes all embodied souls, no?), the latest context I’m contending with is Aging. I think most of us Lone Wolves necessarily develop a level of self-sufficiency that can be very functional but also carries varying levels of unhealthiness. As the Body’s decline starts to move beyond where we can push it and instead must respect its boundaries/limitations, we again get called into the dilemma: how to trust others to help and be depended on when our soul and experience suggest they won’t and can’t be? Clearly there seems to be a conscious calling to communion while we’re embodied, just as Soul is naturally part of an energy collective. As always, the choice is how we respond. For me, I find I’m more gentle and accepting of my body than I’ve ever been, and likewise hope I can accord others who I may have to rely on at future points that same gentle understanding and acceptance if/as they do their best but may fail me. Life is nothing if not interesting!
Thank you for sharing this Jamie, I think that gentleness and acceptance is vital (really, no matter what age you’re at, but especially old age). I love your final observation, that Life is nothing if not interesting! :)
Dear Aletheia, Thank you for your article. As painful as reading your article reached me, I heard myself say to my once was husband many times in our marriage, “I just don’t feel right.” I am remaining in this long painful life of constant ‘soul journey’ of an unreachable peace. Even my questioning what I have found such valueable appreciation in all the forms of the arts which I would describe who I am and even loved ones to good friends, seems unfulfilled joy to sadness. I wonder if this is and was another area of my life journey that defines attachments that from these unconscious nd unrecognized attachment parts of myself becomes more ‘the soul call’ journey. Yes, I see myself in all the areas of interests to learning who I am but still the outsider and unconnected…out of the loop, not included, and taken for granted not knowing how to be or do in the world of this or that. I find the grieving process exhausting with this loneliness an endless reach to how to be with just ‘my soul.’ My comments are risky to share. Thank you for letting me inside your comment space to express a certain loss that is to be my eventual untouched ‘soul discovery.’ Edith
Hi Edith,
I just wanted to share with you that your comment hit home for me. I recognized myself in it and I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Much love. Shannon
Thank You :’) <3
Thank you so much for this reminder. I’ve been feeling alone, different, outcast, misfit and not belonging my whole life but it has really compounded these past few years in a full blown crisis. It is a terribly lonely path. Especially having been neglected, abandoned and outcast as a child and throughout my life. I am also a Highly Sensitive Person trying to find my way in a very dark world.
How does one deal with the extreme grief that comes with this journey when you become an outcast from friends and family? Like my whole childhood is replaying. Thank you so much for the incredible work you do to help make sense of these gifts.
I am sometimes overwhelmed by the feeling of being an outsider. At times it seems that I am merely a spectator of my interactions with others – like watching a live play. I hear the ‘me’ character say words, but I don’t know where they come from. I wonder who I really am.