In such an ego-driven, self-promoting world, it’s often hard to remember that the world doesn’t revolve around us.
We are not at the center of everyone’s thoughts.
And yet, we feel anxious, depressed and paranoid that other people are “out to get us”.
After spending a lot more time around people recently, and observing my own feeling and reactions to what they do, say and how they “appear” to be, I’ve realized something:
Most of us, to differing degrees, are self-centric.
But don’t get this confused with the word “self-centered” which carries narcissistic connotations. No, self-centric people are not necessarily conceited or self-serving, but they are self-absorbed in the sense that they believe the world revolves around them.
Many times I’ve found myself possessing this trait, and I bet after reading this article, you’ll discover the same truth for yourself. However, the point of doing inner work is to consciously evolve to the point of becoming aware, and if you are interested in improving the quality of your life, then facing and accepting the hard facts about ourselves is imperative!
1. You are not alone
In terms of your problems, tragedies, pains and struggles, you are not alone. When we are sad, depressed or grieving, our emotions have a way of hijacking our minds, causing us to firmly and indisputably believe that we are the only people in the whole world suffering our issues. Our focus becomes very narrow when we experience an influx of emotions, so it is very hard to see (and believe) that there are thousands, perhaps even millions of other people feeling what we feel, thinking what we think, and experiencing what we experience.
On the internet, in particular, you hear a lot of people proclaiming “I thought I was alone!” when discovering a group of people who think, feel, experience or behave the way they do – as if that is surprising!
No matter what problem you have, or how you feel, you are never alone, because others share that experience with you. Even though you may not know who they are or where they come from, in a collective sense you are never alone with your problems.
2. No one is out to “get you”
Perhaps one of the most navel-gazing habits a person can have is to believe that “everyone is out to get them.” Essentially, this deeply held belief stems from a victim complex mentality that feels as though everyone – whether stranger, colleague, or family member – is intent on ruining one’s happiness, success, social status and/or life in general.
Of course, there are the odd psychopathic/sociopathic people who do genuinely gain pleasure in making others suffer, but most people aren’t this way. The truth is, most people are self-absorbed and so any nasty or hurtful things they say or do is almost always a reflection of them – of their inner hurt, irritation, disappointment, pain or anger.
If someone treats you badly, this is almost invariably a projection of their own flaws and inadequacies onto you. As Don Miguel Ruiz states in his classic “The Four Agreements“:
Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally … Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
People are too busy caring about themselves to systematically destroy your life. You just aren’t that important to them.
3. People aren’t out to “judge everything you do”
Sure, there are seemingly judgmental people in the world, but as I mentioned before, the way people treat you is a reflection of how they treat themselves. Really, people are too concerned with worrying what others will think of them – worrying what you will think of them – for them to really give more than a couple of seconds thinking about you.
Thinking that everyone is judging you all the time is a typical self-centric paranoid belief of socially anxious people, but the truth is that most people feel this way in their lives, to varying degrees.
Whether sitting on a train facing a row of strangers, talking to a new group of colleagues, speaking up in a classroom, or going out without makeup on, we all have some kind of hidden fear of what others will think of us. The reality is … everyone is worrying about the exact same problem as you! Why do you think most people adhere to the pre-established rules and structures of society, even if they don’t make sense? Because of their fear of being judged!
We are not so special in the eyes of others. Remember that.
***
At the end of the day … people are too busy caring about themselves to really care about you. This is not said to depress you, but to open your eyes to a liberating truth. If you don’t believe me, try paying close attention to the next conversations you have, or try scrolling through the personal page of a friend or acquaintance on a social network site like Facebook or Twitter. What will you find? Answer: that is centers mostly around them – what they think, what they feel, what experiences they had – all in an attempt to be liked, accepted and understood. This is completely natural.
So next time you’re afraid of criticism, or of what another will think of you, remember that you are not so special. Remember that everyone makes assumptions about everyone else, but no one really knows the real you like you know yourself.
What religious sect where you raised in? Baptist? I like what you wrote, btw. Thank you
You may not be a especial person to the whole world but I’m very sure you will be the whole world to one especial person ;)
Hi Guys I’d like to talk on the subject, I have in my family a mother and sister who never gave me any props for all the attention and care I gave them, things like money and material things they’d respond to, but the things, the real things that mattered like truth and what truly matters in regards to feelings were very much ignored. Just recently I discovered, how sideways my family are, they never do or say the right thing when it truly counted, they’re still holding onto the past. Whenever I’d be around them I’d feel their loneliness, but they’d project onto me as if I was the one going mad, its funny because I am not rich or particular poor, they have jobs and yet they struggle more than I do, more money more problems I guess. On the special part I am so special, because I don’t say enough to myself, and so I do feel it depends on the person, the most important thing is emphasize what makes you special and let that reflect in what you value, appreciate and respect, the rest will take care of its self, life is to short to focus too narrowly on variables, life is not game, its an experience and since I’ve witness a lot of circus acts around me, all I can do is make the most out of every sitation, take the positive out of the negative, great article people, all the best..
“At the end of the day … people are too busy caring about themselves to really care about you”. Truth, couldn’t have said it any better!
I’m glad you think so Lupe! :D
I get what you’re trying to say….but no human being is NOT “self centric”. We need to be in order to survive. If we never thought of ourselves, we wouldn’t do anything meaningful. We wouldn’t consider introspection ( a very useful thing!!!) ; we wouldn’t do ANYTHING that brought us joy; we wouldn’t do anything necessary to our survival, such as eat or sleep.
Please don’t say ” you’re not that special”. Some of us have been told that our entire lives, and some of us are trying to banish suicidal feelings. Being told that our feelings don’t really matter gives us just that little push we needed to go throw ourselves in front of that train. I’ve spent 36 years being unimportant. I came to this website because it seemed empowering and positive. I’m definitely not the only one. But things are VERY hard for me right now. and sorry, but that DOES matter. Please be mindful of your wording. I was so so low yesterday that if i had’ve read those words ” you are not so special” i actually would’ve killed myself. I’m struggling right now even to think of a good reason to stay on this planet. I have a child, and i know she wants me here. She alone is the only reason i am trying to hold on. But…perhaps she would be better off without such a negative infuence as me in her life. Perhaps i do need to accept that i am not, and never will be special to anybody. Please please don’t invalidate our suffering by saying we don’t matter. Everyone matters. We have every right to pay attention to ourselves! Especially when nobody else does. I’m not saying this to be nasty; but i’m just not sure what you hoped to achieve by telling us we don’t matter. A lot of this article makes sense, but please consider your choice of words and the impact it may have. I don’t really feel empowered after reading it. I just feel a reaffirmation of my invisibility.
It saddens me to hear of your suffering Nobody, and yes, that IS important. What you must realize though, is that this article is specifically targeted towards anxious and paranoid people who feel as though the entire world is judging them, are thinking about them all the time, and are out to get them. This article speaks on a large-scale to these people. But on a small-scale, within our friend and family circles, we ARE important, we do offer special gifts, comfort, protection, and other elements that we often forget or take for granted, but other people are appreciative of (although they may not always say this).
It is a selfless act that you are hanging in there for your child – your demise would severely impact her life, and obviously you ARE special to her as a mother/father. For her own sake, I really advise you to get professional help. LonerWolf is not always a comforting or affirming place, but can be very challenging at times, as challenge is what we truly need to grow and flourish. So, this is not the most ideal place for a severely depressed person who is still overcoming the hurdle of suffering. I would recommend another website such as tinybuddha.com instead. I hope you understand. Best wishes. x
Nobody is perfect.
I’m self centered and know that I’m not in myself more or less important than anyone else. I once had a dream I was throwing away a box and the box was attached to me. I woke up with something telling me “Wait — there’s a note in there worth more than a million dollars” (this was way back when a million was a lot). I hope what is good in you is protected and grows. It seems hopeless. I suffered many years thinking I must be under a curse. My worst fear — I saw I was. I saw why. I saw there was nothing of myself I could do. I can’t solve problems ego creates with ego. I need a higher power. Since I brought forth that which was in me that which was in me has been saving me. If I hadn’t brought it forth that which is in me would have killed me.
I like meditation as Roy Masters teaches. It helps me stay objective to my thoughts. Plus he helped many people with PTSD from jail, from Vietnam and the middle east.
And yh I think ure article is aimed at narcissists and other pds, self aware empaths will never feel alone because well thats wat empathy is, the ability to be someone else
Export, I think you are confusing self-centric with self-centred, which as I mentioned in the article is not the same thing. Almost everyone is prone to self-centric behaviour, because the nature of our society is that way. People are born into this culture of “it’s all about me”, of self-promotion and self-obsession. It’s not that they go out of their way to deliberately do this, it is almost second nature for most of us. Also, not all ’empaths’ are self-aware, and many display signs of self-centricism.
People follow societys rules because there afraid of being judged if they dont, so u telling me people who follow the rules arent subject to judgement? Arent judgements made from expectations and expectations made from wat society expects from sheeple , something to think about, and yh narcissitic ppl are the most vulnerable to manipulation since theyll do anything to get there drug etc attention, sad isnt it how society is set up for them to thrive no matter the consequences to normal ppl, discrimination at its worst
Export —
Narcissism is rooted in self hate. Narcissus hated his true self. He fell in love with an image of himself as good and married Echo who supported that image. Narcissists love the image to deny their self hate. It takes courage and understanding of what is greater than my self to honestly look at me and survive.
“…you are NOT so special.” Words to live by. :-)
I’m curious though, Aletheia, don’t you feel that promoting the idea that we are never truly alone because we collectively share in our suffering is just a placebo that we trembling beings fabricate to help alleviate the fears, insecurities, doubts in an absurd and uncertain world? The only thing that is certain (besides uncertainty) is, in fact, our aloneness, and we should embrace that rather than fear it. Whether we choose the solitary life or not, WE will be there with or without people until the end. To say that people share our experiences I feel undermines and negates our very personal pains–pains that sometimes give meaning to our perception of reality. People may have similar experiences, but they never really share them with us–and that’s ok. Our lives are, after all…our lives.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m trying to discredit what you’re saying, those aren’t my intentions. I’m just curious to see what you think. I’ve been reading your blog for the past 2 months and I appreciate all the hard work Sol and you do on here.
I appreciate your comment Lee,
I’ve noticed that life presents a lot of paradoxes – being alone is one of them. We are never alone, but we are always alone. That statement may seem totally absurd, but I will explain what I mean by it. On an ego level (the one where we perceive ourselves as SEPARATE from other living beings) we are of course alone. We experience our feelings, thoughts, pains, joys, and everything life presents to us, in the solitary. On a spiritual level, we are never alone, as we are all made of the same patterns and substance, which we share as a collective. That is what I mean by “We are never alone, but we are always alone”, and this article focuses on only one side of that equation.
Also, it is still possible to experience pain and suffering, but to not attach yourself to it, armed with the knowledge that you are not the one and only individual going through such trauma. Knowing that we are not alone does not undermine the value of our personal pain, but on the contrary, enriches the experience all the more. It is not necessary for us to be masochists in order to benefit from our pain. That’s just my understanding.
Thank you for the thought-provoking comment. It’s nice to share these thoughts to grow in understanding :)
Well Said!
As one of the lyrics of “Territorial Pissings” by Chet Powers and Kurt Cobain puts it, “Just because you’re paranoid Don’t mean they’re not after you.” You and I and a few others may not be crazy, but the rest of the world surely is. Just what I think.
Thanks Lionel. ;)
As the famous ubiquitous sayings says: “Only crazy people don’t think they’re crazy”!
this is me… I was a very socially anxious person. I feel like people around me judge me all the time and they know what I am thinking and what’s going on my mind. I am so paranoid about many things because I think too much. But I always keep thinking that it’s not true cause those people have their own problems too so they don’t have time to judge me or think about me. They don’t really care about my existence. Somehow, this helps. And as I grow older, I don’t worry that much about what they think.
Thank you for writing this, Luna. I am learning a lot from all of your writings. I always try to apply all the articles you and Sol have written. I reread them at times for me not to forget and to try harder to change myself.
The best thing is that you are AWARE of the fallacy of your thoughts and mental processes Enaira. :) Awareness is the springboard for all other types of self-growth in life, and now, armed with this knowledge, you can work to contradict each paranoid thought that enters your brain. It takes a long time to re-wire deeply ingrained mental habits (believe me!), but slowly and steadily you will experience more peace in life. I’m on this journey with you!
Thank you so much for commenting here, and reading our articles. :)
Enaira,
I know what you’re thinking but I have too many problems of my own to get into it — lol.
I used to worry that I bothered people. My little brother said — I do what I like. Unless someone tells me I don’t worry what they think.