Have you ever wondered why you swing so quickly between loving and hating a person?
Are your relationships characterized by extreme ups and downs?
If so, you might be experiencing what psychologists call splitting – a nefarious defense mechanism that makes it difficult to hold down stable relationships.
What is a Defense Mechanism?
Defense mechanisms are techniques the ego uses to avoid feelings of fear, uncertainty, and shame. Defense mechanisms are unconscious, meaning that we aren’t aware of them or their control over our lives. Essentially, our defense mechanisms “defend” us against unpleasant feelings or situations which our egos perceive as dangerous, helping us to feel better about ourselves and the environment. Ultimately, however, defense mechanisms distort, deny, and/or falsify reality.
What is Splitting?
Splitting is a defense mechanism whereby we split the world into polarities such as good or bad, right or wrong, nice or nasty, and so forth. Essentially, splitting is black and white thinking.
Because we, as humans, struggle to tolerate uncertainty and the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind, we resolve that ambiguity by splitting the issue into two simplified and opposing parts. We then align ourselves with one part and reject the other part.
Splitting Can Maintain or Destroy Relationships
In the emotional arena, splitting helps us to avoid mixed emotions. This is not always a bad thing because it helps us to keep a leash on certain extreme emotions that would otherwise harm our relationships, such as anger.
For example, splitting can be positive when we feel temporary hatred for our spouse, while at the same time feeling love for them. By unconsciously defining hatred as ‘bad,’ and preventing our spouse from facing our wrath, we stop them from suffering.
But splitting can also be toxic and destructive to our relationships. Those who struggle with splitting as one of their primary defense mechanisms cannot tolerate the reality of mixed emotions, and therefore find keeping close relationships hard, or even impossible.
Being unable to tolerate mixed emotions means that your partner will be seen as either an angel or a devil; a loving person or a virulent narcissist. There is no allowance for nuance, subtlety, grey areas, or flaws (and simultaneous points of perfection) within your partner whatsoever.
This tendency to either idealize the other person to the status of a soulmate or condemn them as the spawn of Satan leads to lots of issues and unhappiness. Filtering one’s partner through the lens of good/bad not only ignores their multifaceted authentic nature but also leads to heartbreak and extreme disillusionment when they don’t meet your expectations.
11 Signs You’re Splitting
Want to know whether splitting is sabotaging your relationships? Here are some clues:
- You think about the other person in terms of being “perfect,” “evil,” “angelic,” “demonic,” “saintly,” “narcissistic” (and misdiagnosing them as a narcissist)
- When things go wrong, you always feel horribly “cheated,” “betrayed,” or “screwed over”
- When you have a fight you feel as though the world is crumbling around you or coming to an end
- Most of your relationships have been intense and stormy
- You go through regular cycles of “I love you, I hate you, don’t leave me” in your relationships
- At the beginning of relationships, you tend to idolize your partner and put them on a pedestal
- After disagreements or witnessing flaws in your partner, you begin to lose your respect for them and start to think they’re bad, stupid, pathetic, hateful, or not worthy of your time
- You enter cycles of pushing people away, and then trying to pull them back (push/pull dynamic)
- You crave experiencing strong emotions (love/hate) in your relationships and can’t tolerate neutral or conflicting emotions
- You’re an idealist, and you consciously/unconsciously seek to be with perfect people and in “perfect” relationships
- In fights, you tend to perceive yourself exclusively as the “victim,” and your partner as the perpetrator/wrongdoer
How many of these signs can you relate to?
How to Prevent Splitting From Destroying Your Relationships
If you find yourself agreeing with many of the above signs, don’t panic. Splitting is a common defense mechanism that many people struggle with. (You can read more about its origins in childhood coping strategies.)
As with any defense mechanism, splitting can be decreased and replaced with healthier forms of behavior through self-awareness. Being conscious of this ingrained behavior is the first step to overcoming it and finding stability in your relationships.
Here are some helpful suggestions:
1. Identify your emotional triggers
Pay attention to the words, actions, tones of voice, or situations that trigger emotional reactions such as outbursts of anger, resentment, finger-pointing etc. from you. Write these down in a private journal whenever they occur and look for patterns and recurring themes. For example, you might find that you’re triggered the most when your partner doesn’t give you the attention you want or you might feel particularly triggered when a certain look appears on your partner’s face. Often environmental factors contribute to us getting triggered, for example, getting poor sleep, stress from work, too many life responsibilities, etc.
2. Tune into your bodily symptoms
How does your body feel when you are being triggered? Does your heart rate elevate, your breath quicken, your palms sweat, your jaw clench? Incorporate mindfulness and/or meditation into your daily routine to help you notice these symptoms. Learn how to take a step back and become self-observant – it takes practice! Notice how your body feels when it starts to split the world into two extremes and write it down in your private journal. Keep in mind that tuning into your body takes practice, so don’t expect to be perfect at doing it overnight.
3. Interrupt your reactions by staying grounded
Once you become self-aware of your triggers and physical reactions, the next step is to learn how to respond in a healthy way. Rewiring this deeply embedded defense mechanism takes time and practice. It requires you to be able to be two steps ahead of your responses and reactions, and take decisive steps to ground and stabilize yourself. One of the simplest ways of staying grounded is to breathe deeply or focus on your breath. The other (which is best used in extremely triggering situations) is to remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. This will give you space to calm down.
Other ways to stay grounded include:
- Feel and notice your feet on the earth
- Drink something hot or cold
- Touch something and notice the sensations (e.g. your watch, purse, wall, driving wheel)
- Anchor yourself into the physical world by paying attention to your surroundings and the colors, smells, movements, and sounds happening around you
- Use a mantra such as “I see both sides,” “I am balanced and grounded,” “I see objectively,” “I am forgiving and open”
4. Train yourself to see the multi-layered nature of people
In a private journal or diary, set yourself the task each day (or however frequently you get triggered by someone) to see ALL sides of them. You won’t be perfect at this from the start, but keep practicing. Divide the page into three columns, “Positive Attributes,” “Neutral,” and “Negative Attributes.” In the positive attributes section, list all of the things you like about the person (it doesn’t just have to be your partner). In the neutral section, list all of the personality characteristics of the person that are neither good or bad. In the negative attributes section, list all of the things about the person you dislike. Be diligent and self-disciplined about this process. The more you do it, the more you will come to see and appreciate the full, authentic, and multi-faceted nature of the people around you.
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5. Be honest, open, and willing to prove yourself wrong
Preventing splitting from sabotaging your relationships involves courage and the willingness to be honest, open, and wrong. Don’t let your ego get in the way of your romantic fulfillment. Be willing, and dare I say, look for opportunities to be proven wrong. If you notice yourself putting your partner on a pedestal, try to find something in the past about them that you didn’t like – and vice versa. When you start to perceive your partner in a pure negative way, try to think back to all the beautiful, kind, or caring things he/she has done. Be willing to be wrong about how you feel, and you will progress very far on this journey.
6. Look more deeply into the situation
After arguments with your partner, try to look more deeply into the situation. Was your partner really annoyed with you, or was he/she just trying to expel and unload stress? Was your partner really seeking to hurt your feelings, or were they just trying to protect themselves and their fragile self-esteem? Is your partner really a selfish prick, or does he just struggle to manage his time and responsibilities? Looking beyond your feelings and the immediate surface appearance of the situation will help you to gain a deeper perspective.
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Other ways to prevent splitting from undermining your relationships include:
- Refusing to discuss things that trigger you until you feel mentally prepared
- Exploring your projections – what insecurities are you projecting onto your partner?
- Keep affirming that it is OK to have flaws, it’s OK to not agree all the time, it’s OK (and normal) to be a mixture of good, bad, and neutral traits
- Seeking out a trained therapist who can help you further explore these difficulties
I hope this advice has helped you out! Let me know any thoughts or experiences you have on this topic in the comments.
This is amazing. I am at this point of my journey! It is difficult.
Heather this was so spot on for me. Thank you for sharing because I believe far too many people call someone a narcissist but only see things through the lens of black and white. I myself have been guilty of this over the years but have recently found that I don’t want that part of me anymore.
That bullet-point list reads like a checklist for Borderline Personality Disorder. You even reference a famous book on BPD, “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.”
I am glad you addressed the issue of misdiagnosing narcissists, because, in my opinion, this demonizing all loved ones we struggle to get along with as narcissists has become an epidemic lately, thanks to the term “narcissist” becoming an evermore popular buzzword on the internet in recent years.
Just because someone hurts you or is selfish in one moment, does not mean they are evil! You wouldn’t want someone judging your entire character and value based on one mistake, would you? Then don’t do it to others. People are complex beings. Almost nothing is as simply black & white as it may seem.
Dear Mateo
Your wisdom not only acurate but arrive always in perfect time!
4 days ago, I experienced agonizing pain in my hip and it paralized all my right side. I couldn’t move, I was crying, screaming and felt totally helpless. Beeing a knowladgble and self aware human, I ryed every thechnic I knew, breathing,feldenkrise, raki, visualization, you name it, I’ve one it. After taking a painkiller, the pain backed up a bit and I thought that i need to ask for help. But what help? Who? How?
I am very unconventional person who took 5 painkillers in the past 8 years, dont trust doctors and hate hospitals. So I said to myself, emegine how would you like to be healed Anna. I have 3 girlfriends who live in Canada (I live in Israel at the moment) and we support each other at good and bad times. So I told them about the pain and asked them to participate with me in healing session. We desided on time and word for healing (truth) and we all at the same time, for five minutes would concentrate on my pain, visualizing me and repeat the word truth.
I always belived in energy but it is a first time in my life I felt it and experienced the power of it! It helped, my pain was almost gone. I wanted to share it with you because what this experiment produced was directly conected to what you wrote about spleating.
When girls sow inside of me, they sow the spleating, they all described it in different ways. I sow that too and without dought its connected to the pain.
Yestorday, I told them that I don’t want to be a person of black and white anymore and I don’t want to be alone anymore eather.
And today I am reading your amazing writing on spleating!
I wish one day we will meet, you Amazing!
Thank you so much for who you are and for your generosity to humanity!
Have beautiful weekend❤
Thank you Mateo for this article! I have been going through a process- transitions, shifts in my consciousness for the last year, being an active participant in my healing, growing and evolving into a better person to my self and others ….but I too experience growing pains such as “splitting” especially in terms of jealousy as my “emotional trigger”. When I read your article , I actually meditated on it , and then actually realized where my jealousy came from (my father having an affair when I was a child IN the home)…I didn’t …well I did and didn’t realize how that had a huge impact in how I control myself in heated moments- I do split, and I am learning how to be more compassionate toward myself and others when this happens but sometimes it catches me off guard…I really know what I have to work on now. I wish you light and love and thank you again :)
This really spoke to exactly what I’m going through in my relationship right now Thank you so much for this
THANK YOU! I’m INFJ and you have helped me more than words can say.
I’m happy to hear that Bonnie :)
Dear Mateo,
I have surrendered to anxiety about life over the past few years. I was always depressed, which was caused partly by home life and then increased and confirmed by school life.
I failed at every job and friendship and relationship. I am insecure and not assertive and I was always haunted by the past as a result of the criticisms and not being liked or wanted that I have always received from other people. I am the black sheep and bad person in my family, yet outside the house I was invisible like a tiny insect, who was not important or supported and I felt slowly destroyed by indifference. At least I got negative attention at home.
Feeling insignificant at school is how I developed my habit of putting myself down, as a strange kind of defence against them saying their comments first. I don’t remember any comments, so I don’t know how it worked. I felt badly regarded or not regarded at all. It was a very bad time, attending school with unrefined people. Now I am rejected by “friends” because they cannot stand my negativity and not taking charge of my life.
I tried to move on, which I thought would naturally happen after leaving school. I had a miserable time trying to work and have relationships, but eventually thought i had succeeded because I had two long-term relationships and because of those two men I was spared the constant criticism I had suffered previously. But I was never able to keep a relationship permanently. My first partner left after 9 years when I asked him to, but instead of trying to make it work by doing things together, as I requested, he disappeared 50 miles away. I only wanted him to stop being angry with me and I thought if he had his own place it would solve that problem. He just ran away and got other women instead.
Since then he has died in a tragic way and I have discovered that he was a congenital liar, who lived by being taken in by people who looked after him.
His father was a bullying alcoholic and also lived in that way. He had three children and none of them attended his funeral.
I now know that my ex-partner and I shared similar weaknesses, so I feel doomed to a tragic ending, like him. He was desperate to be taken in by someone who would be loving and look after him. That is what I provided for 9 years. However, it seems I am also very insecure and also crave someone to look after me. So his strange ways actually suited me. He didn’t criticise me and I felt actually mature and sane compared to him. He made me feel stronger than I really was and protected the outside world from criticising me as they constantly did before I had a partner.
Then my next bf married me secretly, yet stayed at his own home with friends instead of moving in with me. I was not aware that he would do that, before the wedding. I would not have married him if I had known it. He said it was because he was afraid of my family and friends (who disapproved and didn’t trust him) and later he said he was afraid of me too. He said I was angry and he thought I would stab him. I never thought of stabbing him or any kind of violence at all, but he was made mentally ill by me. He could not get divorced from me fast enough.
Now he has a wife and career and baby. His wife is very unselfish. Before they married, she was okay with no contact from him. After 3 weeks, she only texted to ask if he was okay! She does what he wants in bed too. He is back to the way he was when we met, but that person disappeared, when we were together.
I was angry with my ex-husband, because he never acted like a real partner, never lived with me, never helped me with money, but he did give me support emotionally, by calling me every day and encouraging me to stay in my job, which (the job) was torture for me. He also was caring and didn’t criticise me and occasionally he helped me with my house and garden. That is why I liked him so much and we stayed together for 7 years. Unfortunately, I didn’t do him the same favour.
Everyone says I am very critical and I can’t deny that I am.
All these things in my history cause me to constantly dwell on the past and I feel doomed because I have always displayed emotional and behavioural red flags or disturbance – there was no help in those days and my Mum could not handle a “bad” child. It has made me fear the present and the future even more. I do feel powerless to control my own life, especially my emotions.
I have been scammed by Tunisians online and now I can’t trust the one who sticks by me, because he wants me to sell my house and take my income over to Tunisia, which would pay for both of us to rent a house and live there. He says he will work and contribute financially, but I don’t know if that would happen. Also, I can never have a house in the UK again if I sold my house. That means I would be a vagrant, because renting is more expensive than buying and I don’t have the ability to hold down a job, so I could never pass the tests to be a tenant (or mortgagee) anyway.
I am so afraid of life now that I don’t leave my house at all. I have to go out for prescriptions of my anti-depressants but that is the only occasion I go out. I was going to counselling in a taxi, but the counsellor kept cancelling for holidays and illness and I got worse and worse. I also didn’t feel that he understood me, because he said things like Everyone has to work and I could have a relationship again if I was positive about it. But he did say some useful things which counsellors have never said before, such as That my mum pitted her children against each other. I don’t know if she knew what she was doing or not. She wanted a close and loving family, but she got the opposite and I have been given the blame for that.
Anyway I am very confused. I don’t think I can go to Tunisia because I am too weak and I know I can be easily dominated. I will then leave the man and end up homeless and alone back in the UK.
Why am I always either a bully or I feel totally dominated and afraid to speak up? I had a pet hamster and even allowed him to dominate me. I didn’t like to bother him and satisfy my needs as a pet owner, to hold and stroke him…
What I wanted to tell you is that every article I read seems to identify another theoretical explanation for one or more of my faults/characteristics/false beliefs/behaviours. How can I definitely determine my real problems and how can I then go on to solve them? I mean that I feel EVERYTHING is wrong with me. For example, If I read the personality disorders symptoms, I have those as well. I worry that if I have a personality disorder, there is no hope for me.
All this time since childhood my Mum and I knew there is something wrong with me, yet I have never managed to improve or solve any of it. When I was young, she told me in anger that I take after my grandmother (her mother) and my father – both of these were considerable insults in her mind. Actually I think she was right and it’s true. Both were weak.
My grandmother seemed to have been born timid which caused her and her daughter (my mother) considerable problems in life.
Dad was inadequate, like me. He was never confident, at least after his mother abandoned him at the age of 7, for another man. His Dad re-married, then Dad got an unwilling step-mother who was mean to him, as she didn’t like boys.
She never considered sensitivity or low self-esteem as possibly the explanations, because even though another mother told her I was sensitive when I was very young, she doesn’t really seem to understand the existence of emotions. She just functions by duty and practical considerations, not by feelings. She thinks bad feelings should be hidden, whereas I showed all my feelings, which were mostly bad, and expected them to be taken care of. It makes me feel guilty for expecting my feelings to be considered important. Am I being weak and selfish and spoilt? Is it true that it doesn’t matter how we feel inside – just do housework and earn a living and keep yourself fit and clean and do what employers want. I don’t know what her rule about men is. She was also a failure at relationships and struggled a lot with jobs and didn’t really have good friendships except her old schoolfriends, because she went to a very good school.
The personality disorder symptom that is like your article about splitting i.e. the extreme opinion of someone – wavering rapidly from love to hate (and a hurt heart in my case). I try to control the way people treat me, apparently, by bullying and by being hurt and sulking. I mean splitting would be “normal” behaviour and the personality disorder version of splitting would be an “abnormal” behaviour, I presume? Which one am I?
I never liked my past, but after I left home, I clung to the values I got from my upbringing, because the outside world is too uncertain and cold and hard. People have told me to change, all my life, from my mother onwards. I have no idea why nobody likes or accepts me and how I am supposed to do this “changing”.
The usual obsession with the past was in the form of my bad character and how I can never triumph in life unless I solve that bad character that my family had to put up with. Now I am clinging to the security I had back then. hiding from the present and the future, of which I am very afraid.
How can I define for sure what is wrong with me and how can I solve it, so that I can live in the future and look forward to the future, before it is too late and I die a premature and tragic death, like my ex-partner?
I am sure that I am very insecure and hyper-sensitive, which seems to mean demanding of approval and attention, Also I am very low in self-esteem and self-confidence and nobody respects me. I also get criticial and angry a lot if anyone is close to me. Then I lose them. What can I do? I can’t go to Tunisia in such a weak state and nobody else wants me.
Without emotional support I have disintegrated. and am now socially phobic, agoraphobic, lonely, anxious and obsessed with the past.
Please give me some advice and preferably some hope or point me in the right direction. I am sorry to dump all this on you. I don’t know where to go for help.
Kind regards
Anita Pearce (miss)