Being in a toxic relationship can feel like a living hell.
You don’t know if you’re the crazy one or if they are.
You don’t know what to do, who to turn to, or what to make of your situation.
Spiritual Wanderer Course:
Being a lone wolf and a spiritual wanderer is a sacred calling in life – a unique and alchemical path of awakening. You don’t need to feel lost, alone, or stuck on your journey any more. It’s time to meet your soul’s deep needs for clarity, self-acceptance, and empowerment. Let us show you how …
If you suspect that you might be in a toxic relationship, this article will help to confirm (or challenge) your suspicions and give you options for what to do next.
Let’s start off with a basic definition …
Table of contents
- What is a Toxic Relationship?
- 27 Signs of Toxic Relationships
- What is the Difference Between Toxic and Abusive Relationships?
- What Causes Toxic Relationships?
- Do Toxic Relationships Ever Get Better?
- Toxic Relationship Quiz
- Why People Stay in Toxic Relationships
- How to End (or Save) a Toxic Relationship
- Embrace Starting Again, Embrace Being a Lone Wolf
What is a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship is a relationship that is mentally, emotionally or spiritually damaging. Toxic relationships are defined by the qualities of fear, submission/domination (or inequality), and deception.
27 Signs of Toxic Relationships
Pay attention to the following red flags:
- Walking on eggshells – you find yourself walking on eggshells all the time for fear of upsetting your partner
- Can’t speak freely – you can’t speak about your thoughts, feelings or needs openly without fearing negative repercussions
- It’s always about them – your relationship is always about pleasing, listening to, or upholding the other person – but they never return the favor
- Abandoning values – you compromise your own values, interests, friendships, etc. to keep the relationship
- Feeling drained and depressed – you mostly feel drained, depressed or distressed around your partner
- Playing the role of parent or therapist – you often find yourself in the role of therapist or parent to your partner, rather than an adult in a relationship
- Being made fun of – your partner makes fun of your flaws and sensitivities whether passively (by treating you “less than”) or actively (through name-calling or insults)
- Being taken advantage of – your partner takes advantage of you financially, emotionally, mentally or sexually
- Always agreeing with them – you always feel the need to agree with your partner (or else there will be negative consequences)
- Constant drama – you always feel a sense of endangerment around them as drama/chaos seems to follow them everywhere
- Strict roles – you feel like you have to play a role and if you dare change, your whole relationship will crumble (this is known as enmeshment)
- Jealous of your success – instead of celebrating your triumphs, your partner feels compelled to drag you down
- Brings out the worst in you – instead of helping you to be the best version of yourself possible, your partner fuels your shadow self and seems to enjoy watching you self-destruct
- Regressing instead of progressing – on a personal and spiritual level, you move backward instead of forwards and your self-growth stagnates around your partner
- No support – you can’t turn to each other for emotional and mental support in times of need
- Unreliable – you can’t trust your partner to offer financial support, lend a helping hand, or even turn up to appointments or commitments on time
- Deception, suspicion, and paranoia – there is an implicit lack of truthfulness in your relationship and you may have caught your partner red-handed in many lies
- Self-absorption – they are wound up in their own problems, goals, desires, and so are you – there is no meeting point or mutual ground to connect on
- Contempt – there is an undercurrent of festering anger in your relationship that manifests as sarcasm, negative and condescending tones of voice, curled lips, and eye-rolling
- Disrespecting boundaries – you struggle to maintain clear physical, emotional, mental or spiritual boundaries – and your partner may enjoy overstepping them
- Submission/domination – there are issues of control in your relationship and one person will enjoy lording it over the other resulting in numerous emotional and psychological games
- Non-stop obstacles – all relationships go through bumpy periods, but in yours it is never-ending
- Feeling unworthy – your self-worth has dropped to an all-time low and you carry a feeling of persistent worthlessness while being around your partner
- Keeping count of wrongdoings – instead of moving on from the past, there is a toxic fixation and “scorekeeping” of all past fights, arguments, and grievances
- Lack of self-responsibility – your partner doesn’t take responsibility for their mistakes or their happiness
- Justifying bad behavior – you always find yourself trying to excuse or justify the selfish, immature or nasty behavior displayed by your partner
- Unequal division of labor – you feel like you have to do all the emotional work in the relationship while your partner gets to be rude, cold, unreliable or immature
How many of these signs can you relate to? The more you agree with, the more toxic your relationship is.
What is the Difference Between Toxic and Abusive Relationships?
For most people, it’s a matter of semantics. The terms “toxic” and “abusive” are often used interchangeably – but is there a difference?
Can you be in a toxic, but not abusive, relationship and vice versa?
Shadow & Light Membership:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐ "Shadow and Light’s weekly guidance always rings true to my heart. Thanks for acknowledging my shadows and inviting my inner light. I always get excited to open the Shadow and Light emails on Sunday!" – Angela M.
Yes, I believe you can. There does seem to be a mild difference between toxicity and abuse. However, they can and do overlap.
I think of it this way:
All types of abuse are toxic, but not all forms of toxicity are abusive.
For example, not taking self-responsibility is toxic but isn’t necessarily abusive. The same goes with being with an immature or untrustworthy partner – these are toxic, but not necessarily abusive.
Abuse is intentionally-inflicted whereas toxicity is the byproduct of bad behavior.
So you might like to ask yourself, “is there intentionally-inflicted negativity in my relationship?” Think about whether you or your partner deliberately set out to hurt each other. If you answer “yes,” your relationship is abusive.
On the other hand, if the issues in your relationship seem to be the result of poor communication, low self-esteem, or immaturity, you’re in a toxic relationship.
But yes, you can be in both a toxic and abusive relationship.
This article caters to both (but doesn’t explore domestic violence as that requires a whole other article). If you are experiencing domestic violence, please seek professional help or call a domestic violence hotline.
What Causes Toxic Relationships?
Here are four common causes of toxic relationships:
Would you like to save this?
We'll email this article to you, so you can come back to it later!
Your information will never be shared.
- Poor communication and personal boundaries
- Emotional or mental immaturity
- Childhood wounds and traumas
- Narcissism and sociopathy
Sometimes toxic relationships are the product of two normal people who simply don’t know how to communicate openly. There may even be a bit of emotional or mental immaturity thrown into the mix where one or both partners doesn’t know how to handle opposing interests, desires, values, or beliefs.
On the opposite end of the spectrum comes the darker and more complex causes for toxic relationships.
Being traumatized is a common cause of dysfunctional relationships. When there are unresolved childhood wounds in one or both partners, many issues arise such as enmeshment, codependency, toxic shame, and projection.
But darkest of all is narcissism and sociopathy. Getting into a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath is a recipe for extreme abuse and suffering. Those who are with these dark breeds of people often feel trapped and like they’re going crazy. They may struggle to distinguish reality from delusion (known as gaslighting) and are at the mercy of the psychological games of the predators they’re connected to.
Take a few moments to reflect. What do you think is the underlying cause of your relationship dysfunction? I’d love to hear in the comments.
Do Toxic Relationships Ever Get Better?
Can you fix toxic relationships?
It depends. If you’re with a normal person who doesn’t know how to communicate properly, that can be resolved through methods such as relationship therapy. If the underlying cause of the relationship toxicity is unresolved childhood wounds, that can be resolved through doing inner work and therapy and might improve your connection. And if the cause of the toxicity is narcissism or sociopathy, it’s best to run for the hills and leave the relationship ASAP.
It’s normal to want to salvage a relationship, especially if you’ve dedicated many years of your life to it. But ultimately it takes two to tango, so the two of you must work together to save your connection. You cannot “fix” or “save” your partner as that is depriving them of taking self-responsibility. Instead, focus on mutually seeking growth and healing. (Of course, this excludes narcissistic/sociopathic relationships which will never improve as they’re fundamentally broken, to begin with.)
Ultimately, it’s best to ask the questions, “is this relationship worth saving?” and “does this relationship have the potential to make me feel loved, safe, and uplifted?”
Tune into your body and your heart – do you feel constriction or a subtle warm glow of hope? Your body expresses the language of your true feelings and thoughts.
Toxic Relationship Quiz
If you’re still struggling to figure out whether your relationship is toxic or not, ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I like the person I am around my partner?
- Do I feel safe around my partner?
- Does my partner respect my moral/sexual/emotional boundaries?
- Do I feel heard, seen, and respected by my partner?
- Can I express my thoughts and feelings openly around my partner?
- Does my partner say sorry or show remorse for wrongdoings?
- Do I feel equal with my partner?
- Can I often unwind and feel calm around my partner?
- Does my partner emotionally and mentally nourish me?
- Can I rely on my partner?
- Do I feel free to change and grow in my relationship?
- Is there a mutual desire to work through past grievances?
The more you answer “no,” the more likely you’re in a toxic relationship. If you’d like to take an actual test, try our Toxic Relationship Test.
Why People Stay in Toxic Relationships
Here are some common objections and forms of resistance people have to changing or leaving their toxic relationships:
I don’t want to be alone.
I still love him/her.
It’s my first serious relationship.
This is the best I can do.
I have children, a house, a career, I feel trapped.
Our relationship didn’t start this way. I’m sure it will get better.
I’m scared of multiple negative repercussions.
As I mentioned above (in the section “Do Toxic Relationships Ever Get Better?”), not all toxic relationships are doomed for failure. For instance, if the issue is simply poor communication and immaturity, then that can often be resolved through relationship therapy.
But in the case of being with a narcissist or sociopath, the best thing to do for your sanity is to leave and get the hell out of there as quickly as you can.
Inner Work Journal Bundle:
Ready to take your spiritual practice to new depths? Our highly-rated set of guided inner work journals leads you step-by-step through processing trauma, transmuting pain into power, and finding transformation through deep healing and self-illumination.
Below we’ll explore some ways to either try and resolve or end toxic relationships.
How to End (or Save) a Toxic Relationship
Not all toxic relationships are the same.
Some are salvageable. But others (i.e., those that are full of pathological narcissism and sociopathic behavior) need to be ended as swiftly and firmly as possible.
If you’re unsure whether your partner is a narcissist/sociopath or not, I encourage you to look up the signs on a trusted psychological website (like Psychology Today). Or better yet, read a book such as Psychopath Free.
How to Save Your Relationship
- Go to relationship counseling
- Read up on non-violent communication skills
- Learn the art of active listening
- Find mutual interests and passions
- Make space for regular intimacy and affection
- Practice mindfulness exercises
- Set clear personal boundaries
Of course, to save your relationship both of you must be genuinely willing to go the extra mile and do some work.
If you are the only one invested in saving your relationship, consider your relationship is dead. It’s now time to devise an escape plan …
How to End Your Relationship
1. Notice denial – Is a part of you still pining for that “happily ever after”? Is there still resistance in you to leaving? If you’re questioning your sanity, remember that you have likely been conditioned to distrust yourself across the course of your relationship. This is known as gaslighting, and it’s an abuse tactic. Trust in your instincts. The very fact that you’re reading this article shows that something is wrong in your life, and it’s time to get out.
2. Don’t fall for their manipulations – If your toxic partner senses that you’re going to leave them they may try to charm you back into staying. Understand this manipulation tactic beforehand and arm yourself with a goal and mission (i.e., to leave and live a happy life again).
3. Get a support person/group – Do you have a friend or family member that you can trust to help you leave – ideally a therapist? If you don’t have any of these people in your life (or can’t afford therapy), try an online group for narcissistic/toxic abuse survivors (such as on Facebook). A lot of help can be found online or simply through chatting to someone on a mental health hotline.
4. Plan an escape route – Get everything in order (including your belongings, finances, and children) and know where you’re going to (i.e., a friend’s house) after leaving. If you fear for your safety, do this all secretly, preferably when your partner is not home. Also, have the police on speed-dial on your mobile just in case.
5. Think about your life five years from now – If you’re struggling to get the motivation to leave, think about your future. Can you stand the thought of living five more years with your partner? Can you stand the emotional and mental abuse or stagnation?
6. Create a goal to work towards – Another way to motivate yourself to leave is to envision a life that you adore – then compare it to the life you live now. The harsh juxtaposition between the two will encourage you to make decisions that will help you feel free again. You are worthy of a beautiful, fulfilling life. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
7. Use empowering affirmations – Often, after being in a toxic relationship, we feel demoralized. We may feel drained of energy and doubtful of our innate worth as human beings. To help you leave your toxic relationship, find some inspiring morning affirmations that fill you with hope. Examples may include “I am worthy of happiness,” “I have the right to live a life I love,” “I am empowered to make wise decisions,” “I am strong and brave,” “I can do whatever I put my mind towards.”
Embrace Starting Again, Embrace Being a Lone Wolf
In conclusion, I want to encourage you to make a decision that feels right to your heart and soul. (But be careful of confusion the voice of fear with the voice of intuition.)
There are so many people in this world, there is so much out there for you to do and experience. Remember that it’s easy to mistake familiarity with “safety” in toxic relationships.
It feels so hard to leave because your life has been built around your relationship – and when that’s taken away it’s like you have to rebuild your life again from scratch. But the question must be asked, is it better to build a new house in a foreign terrain or stay in the same old house dying a little more each day on the inside?
I truly hope this article has benefited you.
Tell me, what has your experience been like with toxic relationships?
If you need more help, we offer 3 powerful ways to guide you on your inner journey:
1. The Spiritual Wanderer Course: Feeling lost or uncertain about your path and purpose in life? Gain clarity and focus by learning about the five archetypes of awakening within you. Discover your deeper path and purpose using our in-depth psychospiritual map. Includes 3+ hours of audio-visual content, workbooks, meditations, and a premium test.
2. Shadow & Light Membership: Seeking ongoing support for your spiritual journey? Receive weekly intuitive guidance and learn to embrace your whole self, including your shadow side. Deepen your self-love and receive personal support from us.
3. Spiritual Awakening Bundle: Ready to soul search and dive deep? Access our complete "essentials" collection of beloved journals and eBooks. Includes five enlightening eBooks and seven guided journals, plus two special bonuses to further illuminate your path.
Thank you luna and mateo i am new here the toxic relationship it was bad i got. out would catch her lying.and she would still deny it. and start yelling at me and telling that i am crazy i ended up in places that i should have never been if she had actually cared for me she made me feel responsible for because she had nobody else to turn too she turned everyone that we were freinds with against me and told me it was my fault but after reading this it was not my fault that she lied cheated stole everything from me you giys are great keep up the awesome work
I thought my relationship was toxic until my dog passed and said something about four hours after she passed – co-dependency. I got into a recovery group through a bible group and as I went through their recovery steps, I discovered something fascinating – my perceptions of the relationship being toxic was due to a couple of things, the second one was the wake up call:
(1) I was engaged in projection
(2) my dog was a substitute for many of the people related things I thought I was missing in life.
It is NO WONDER that the first thing she said was “I wanted to die.” As I worked on being more intellectually honest, I noticed a couple of things – it became easier to tell the person what bugged me and what they can do to fix it (no it didn’t involve you MUST change this; it was more like try saying something this way instead of the way you do). Language and presentation were a big deal and by asking him to be more sensitive to how he says something, we’ve had more productive conversations.
It is unfortunate that my dog was placed into a position that ultimately led to her passing; that said, I am not sure I would have recognized my own toxicity had I continued to rely on my dog the way I did. My next dog will be allowed to be a dog, partner or no partner.
Dear Luna I truly admire both of you!
An amazing page, such good work!
Thank you so much!
Katja, Slovenia
Thank you so much Katja!
I was in a toxic relationship with a friend who abused alcohol. I felt terrible every time she broke down in a life that seemed full of drama (some of which she created).
I had to remove myself. Fortunately, this was when she started to get help from AA so I didn’t feel guilty of finally avoiding this relationship which really wasn’t healthy for me.
Fast forward. She stopped drinking and her life has fallen onto solid ground. She’s more balanced and looks healthier.
We’re friendly but no more close. It’s fine with both of us. I am glad she’s made it out of the hole she helped dig for herself.
Bless you all.
He, I’m glad things worked out in the end. You highlight something important: often, when we choose to leave a toxic relationship/connection, that is the catalyst that propels the other person on a journey of healing and self-growth. This doesn’t always happen, but sometimes it does as you’ve demonstrated. :)
Hey Loner Wolf Family
I have a confession. My first lover and wife left me because I was an out of control alcoholic and drug user. I fear it was because I was putting on the sociopath or narcissistic game face. To be honest…… I do take full responsibility for what happened between my true soul partner and myself. All she wanted from me was to step up to the plate and be a man.
I didn’t do that. Doing drugs and drinking alcohol was more important. I am not proud of who I have become. At the deepest point of life, I am ashamed and feel guilty all the time. So many times I think I should just end this story about my life. The doctors diagnosed me with schizophrenia and I have to take a needle to treat it. I also take antipsychotic medication for it too. So yeah, there it is. Stay clear of me everyone.
Fallen From Grace
Signed Luke
Luke, thank you for your courage and vulnerability in sharing here. The most inspiring part of your message is that you’ve come to terms with what’s happened, you’ve taken responsibility, and you’re now getting help. That is a big step, and I think you should be proud of yourself for that. Your drug and alcohol problems were, most likely, a sign that you’ve got some deep inner wounds that need healing. Your shadow self was out of control, but now, thanks to the medical help, you’re taking steps toward healing. Have you tried reaching out to any transpersonal therapists? These are professionals who are trained in seeing mental illness not just at face-value, but also helping you to find the spiritual dimension of what is happening. I think that would be of tremendous help to you. Simply google ‘transpersonal therapist’ in your area, and see what comes up. It’s definitely worth exploring as it will give you a new perspective, and the power to move past self-blame. Sending love your way,
Luna
Hi Luna
Thanks for sharing those kind words. I am now working together with nurses and doctors to help me stay balanced. I speak to the nurses about once a week just to talk and also ask questions. I see the same doctor on every appointment and he is brilliant. I am a lot more happier now because I am now facing my demons with compassion and honesty. I had a rude awakening to what the drugs were doing to not only myself but also to other people…. people I loved too. It broke my heart to realise what I was doing and it scared me very deeply. I want to say a huge thank you from my deepest part of my heart to you and sol and for accepting me into your family. I have had the chance to read a lot of your work and I love everything about this Loner Wolf family. I finally feel like I am somebody now. Thanks for evrything guys. Much Love and Respect <3
Signed Luke
Luke, I’m so glad to hear this. <3 Welcome to the lonerwolf family!
Wow! I just want to leave a short comment.
Stunning article. Why do I know this? I was in one of those relationships 14 years. The narcissistic one.
(My ex was forced to take a psychological evaluation during a custody battle and professionally diagnosed).
His ex and he were fighting for custody. Not me.
Anyway, every single thing you have written Luna is true. It is real. It happens and it is a mind-trip. I finally escaped. I don’t use that word lightly.
After my escape the next several years I racked my brain trying to figure out why I had been prone to relationships like this (this one being the worst by far)
I just couldn’t figure out where this dysfunction had entered or where it was rooted from… but I found out. It came from my own mother. Yes. She is a secret narcissist with a penchant for silent hatred. Her mother was like this and her father and mother alcoholics. A very deeply rooted syndrome in my family. Thankfully my hardest addiction is cigarettes. I am in my middle 50s now and I want you to know, finding lonerwolf last year is how I figured out what I now know. If not for the exercises and articles I may have never even thought to research and study and examine myself like I have been able to do with the help you and Sol have provided. There is discovery and recovery!!
One day I will tell my story and how this site was instrumental in my awakening!
Did I at first say I wanted to leave a short comment?
“Smiling..”
Thanks for listening!
A survivor.
Dear Survivor,
You give me hope!
Your story sounds a lot like mine, except I am still in the toxic/covertly abusive marriage. We’ve been married 24 years. For the first 17 I was totally oblivious to his lies, manipulations, diminishing and demeaning behaviors. He even trained my young daughters to treat me the same way, but I didn’t notice– i was so used to this treatment from my mother (also a narcissist, like yours), that i thought it was normal.
Interestingly, I ended up chronically ill — Im sure bc of all the energies I spent denying and repressing what my intuition knew to be true, and was bedbound for 7 years. This gave me time to start exploring my soul — and the blindfolds started falling off. A psychologist told me my it seemed as if my mom had narcissistic personality disorder, and I immediately said No way, that’s impossible. She does everything for everyone — involved in charities, etc… But then a book showed up in recommendations from Amazon called ” Will I ever be enough?” It was for daughters of narcissistic mothers, and described me to a T. Around this time I caught my husband in a lie. It wasn’t a huge deal, but I was shocked he’d lie to me; i trusted him so implicitly. When i tried talking to him about it, he didn’t try to explain or apologize, and I was in complete shock … anyway, from that point on more and more stuff came out. I knew I needed to leave the marriage for my health and well-being, but I felt trapped. Still dealing with illness, no job, no money, no support system, two teenagers… eventually I felt my only way out was ending my life. I didn’t feel needed or wanted by anybody anyway. That was 2016. The attempt, ironically, gave me people who understood me and my situation, and I am working on gaining some confidence and independece so that I can move on … I stopped fighting as much with my husband, realizing it would get me nowhere. But now he’s being nice, and it’s not as unbearable, and I find myself losing the motivation to get out– even though we are in separate bedrooms with no intimacy (the past 12 years at least), and it’s still impossible to communicate with him, etc.
This is way too long.
I just wanted to say that you are an inspiration, and your story gives me hope.
Thank you!
Maureen
Maureen,
YOU ARE A CHAMPION!
YOU ARE LOVED!
YOU ARE WORTHY!
Most of all you are amazing! I know the tiredness. I know the exhaustion and the confusion. I don’t want you to EVER give up! To live is victory over the lies, deceit, shame and all the questions you ever asked yourself. We aren’t crazy!
I had a younger brother. He lost the battle. Today I live for him and his loss. I refuse to be misguided. I believe in myself and I believe in you! You are the true inspiration that gives rise to the wind beneath the wings of us all!
Your scenario, where you are right now I was there. No job, support, estranged from family and friends, poor health mental and physical. Living with a paranoid spouse. I was barely hanging on to the relationship with my own children. Life was a nightmare. I’m not all the way “there” yet but I believe in miracles. I had to, to get through all of it. I will pray and lift you up Maureen. I will also find that book because I just couldn’t believe what I was finding out (the root coming from mother). I deeply appreciate your responding to the post. I want you to know you made my day. I want you to know how special and loved you are! How important you are! How important your story is! You must never ever succumb to the negative thoughts though they rage through your mind! Those thoughts are a lie! This world is waiting for you to take your stand and your place in the ranks of warriors who refused to give up and I promise you there is a way. If you want out ( I went to a women’s shelter for 3 months with my kids) there are organizations that will step in and make it possible. I found out about them through a church. Don’t let anyone tell you there’s no help. The women shelter has everything you need to get on your feet and get medical help and mental health. Boy I needed it! They are fantastic loving places. I was shocked. But now I am free! 5 years free!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing. I will remain vigilant for you.
Call a hotline when and if you are ready. If your circumstances in marriage heal that is also wonderful!
We are standing with you!
Survivor.
Dear A Survivor, your comments literally give me goosebumps – they are heart-wrenching, profound, gripping, empowering, and deeply inspiring. What a warrior you are! What a fighter! Thank you so much for reaching out to help Maureen. Thank you so much for sharing in the first place. I’m positive that many, many people who come to this article will feel the heart, soul, and fire within your words, and be inspired to make deeply significant life changes. Much love, multiplied by a million <3
My dear Luna and Sol..
The two of you made and have made possible the avenue to deep healing. All one has to do is want it and so to me the true hero’s are people like you who have poured your heart and life into a place where people can tell their stories!
What you have created is no small feat and your wisdom and love speak loudly through articles and self help opportunities you have made available. I appreciate you both so much and I will make it my mission to keep the two of you covered in prayer and acclamations for your strength, for protection and for financial support to hold you up in all you do!
You are amazing and I want you to hear that YOU HAVE ENABLED EAGLES TO FLY!
YOU HAVE HEALED OUR WINGS AND GIVEN US HOPE!
THERE IS NO GIFT MORE PRECIOUS THAT YOUR HEART AND SOUL AND MANY PEOPLE WILL KNOW HOW HARD YOU HAVE WORKED. WHEN YOU THINK NO ONE SEES THE LABOR YOU HAVE POURED OUT YOUR REWARD WILL COME ON THE WINGS OF THE FREEDOM YOU HAVE ALLOWED OTHERS TO RECEIVE!
Be encouraged!
Be powerful!
Be Amazed! Because you are amazing and you will see it with your own eyes!
Thank you! My warmest regards and wishes to you!
A Survivor..
Dear A Survivor, I am speechless with gratitude. All I can say is one big THANK YOU! Your words have touched our heart and souls, and that is truly rare. So much love xxx
I believe I have been in a extremely toxic relationship for some 26 odd years…next year will be our silver anniversary. About a month ago I had some real serious problems not just with my husband but son and his wife who also reside here. I tried to call my older son ( who lives in a different city) to come and get me…the people I live with did something odd with the phone so I could not use it. So i went next door to the neighbor…my son who lives with me came running out of the house raising hell ( please excuse my language) but it was exactly that. So i ended the call o my other son, but when I re entered the house..I smart enough not to say any thing to anyone..I packed what I wanted to take with me ( I have no where to go, but the people I live with, they do not know this) ” Don’t go, your being silly” The people I live with said to me. My stuff has been packed since and I won’t unpack and so my stuff stays near the front the front door…The funny thing I noticed…since my stuff stays near the door packed the entire household has changed…Hubby has been going out of his way to help with the chores and my son well he helps out more too. I am really scared to unpack, since everything has improved a great deal..they quit cornering me and hubby well he has been the most helpful in an entire 26 year period. So for now I got to admit..I am kind of enjoying the small changes that should have been there from the start. But in the long run is this healthy? For me…for them?…In a way I feel like I made a stand that was needed. Another thing bothers me…two weeks ago, my son who lives here with us..told me he over heard a conversation between my husband and his brother…My husband was asked by his brother was he still seeing that other woman. My husband supposedly said no he loves me his wife. And I also know I destroyed his relationship with a woman he worked with…He ranted and raved for three days in a row about how this woman liked my homemade oatmeal cookies….(she is African American) A few days later on the carport my husband revealed out loud how he would not mind trying dark meat…that totally blew me away (talk about feeling cheap) So at the company Christmas dinner I catch them staring at each other. When they realized they were being watched by me..they made like nothing was up..So really loud so the entire restaurant could hear me..I said” the gig is up” The woman quit her job there a few days later..to me that is an admittance of quilt….Hubby said no she wanted to move on to a better job. So yes I have trust issues..But this is my fault…when my husband and I met..I told him…you can see whoever you want, but don’t play games about it…tell me up front so we can save our marriage…he cheats but is not honest about it with me..he admitted he don’t a divorce..because he won’t loose his crap to me (trust me what we own is basically crap) He also told me I could file and pay for it..knowing I am disabled and can’t find work. I literally have no where to go as of yet…But I believe even with the sudden changes I will leave at tax time when he gives me half the tax return…Sometimes I even though I have a BS in Psychology..I am still stupid. I am not originally from this area and I do not socialize so no real friends to count on…not that I care to…I sometimes dream of a different life where I am loved for who I am and I can stop being tired and depressed. I personally believe I had my chance and blew it ( I believe I left my soul mate behind). The man was really great to me and I traded him for trash..not the man I am married to now but my second husband. The man I married to now makes my third husband. I sometimes think about the phrase ” three strikes and your out) If I leave this relationship..there will not be any more marriages. I believe because of my childhood I keep choosing toxic relationships, of course not on purpose..but until I can become who I want to be without interference..no serious relationships for me…other than my sons and grandson. Thank you for being there and letting me vent. I also enjoy your advice and topics a lot of them hit home. God bless.
Susan, I’m sorry to hear you’re suffering so much. It sounds like you’re in a very complex, multi-layered situation at the moment. Have you tried couples counseling (or personal therapy?) to try and sort through all these thoughts, feelings, and wounds? Alternatively, have you tried having a heart-to-heart with any friends or local relationship support groups?
You could have printed “person” instead of “partner” throughout this article. My toxic relationship is with my sister. It’s been constant throughout our adulthood, she also has a martyr complex, which makes everything so much more dramatic. I’ve been trying so hard to forgive her and to move forward on my spiritual path yet, the only way I can do that for now, is to step away from her as much as possible. Sad, but sometimes this is the best way.
Yes, this article can definitely apply to sibling and parent connections, friendships, colleagues, etc. (And good point about “person” instead of “partner” – I may rethink that.) I think of forgiveness like a flower: it takes time to blossom. Try to force it, and it dies. So moving away from her as much as possible seems to be a good idea. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this, Ida.
Thank you for great content again.
I had “agree” on the first 27 bullet points, and “no” on all points in the quiz.
It is related to my mother, it is now at a breaking point. What would be the best way to proceed, perhaps mainly mentally and verbally?
Keep up the great work you do. Really appreciated.
Hi there H, thank you for commenting.
So can I confirm that the issue is with your mother (not a romantic relationship)? If so, do you live with her?
Not romantic relationship no, just family related.
Been for as long as I can remember, moved out years ago, just been meeting her more regurarely lately, which made me much more aware and have emotionally re-visited childhood challenges I had with my mother more than ever. I started to admit to myself that even though it’s family it may not be healthy, more like really toxic and limiting. I started to understand so much more about my self, and your content clearly helps put more words and logic to it all, which is great.
Thank you for the article. I was in a very short (three month) relationship that I ended up leaving 5 months ago. But I still can’t stop thinking about him or loving him (I’m gay btw). I have a huge list of “why’s” for leaving him, but part of me still questions if it was the right thing. I answered “Yes” to almost every question in the article above, but I don’t know if it was because of him or because of me. I still want to eventually be with him, and, at least, understand what was going on at that time. I don’t know that that will ever come to be, but it’s honest. I’ve done A LOT of personal work and change since the break-up. He reminded me so much of my father and brother, and I projected all of my buried insecurities and fears onto him. And to be honest, relationships, even friendships, with men are the hardest things for me to engage in and show-up authentically. I love my dad and brother and yet this relationship was constantly bringing up unhealed parts of me around my beliefs about them. At the time, I didn’t recognize this was happening. I just wanted to run from my boyfriend and, yet, couldn’t get enough of him at the same time. My therapist says that I’m addicted to him and the intensity of our relationship. My friends have said he’s a narcissist, has BPD and many other disorders within the various personality cluster groups, but they really didn’t meet him more than a few times. I don’t know if any of that is really true or if I just didn’t understand him because I couldn’t really see him through all of my stuff… thoughts, beliefs, fears, insecurities… that were coming up. He wasn’t perfect by any means. But he wasn’t the demon I told everyone about shortly after the breakup. That breakup left me in one of the worst places I’ve ever been. Serious PTSD, had to get on an anti-depressant just to coherently participate in therapy, a lot of old trauma issues surfaced that I’m still, and will be for a while, working through. I still ask myself, “what the hell was going on in that relationship??”, and I can’t ever arrive at a clear answer. I had the most fun I’ve ever had with anyone when I was with him and also was some of the most terrifying feelings I’ve every experienced. I’ve never had that experience before. There are so many other details that I won’t go into. I just want to understand, heal and thrive from this experience. J
Thank you for sharing JLH. It’s hard to be vulnerable about such a painful topic, and I so appreciate your willingness to open up in this space.
As with all complex topic and life experiences, it’s hard for me to say anything definitively about your relationship (as I don’t have all the angles/information). But what I do see is that this experience shook you up hard, but at the same time offered you a path, an opportunity to grow and transform in ways that perhaps weren’t open for you before. That itself is tremendously important, as it will give your suffering meaning and purpose – it has become your spiritual path (if you’re comfortable with those terms). If you’re not already doing some journaling, I think that practice would help you tremendously to process what you’re going through (more inspiration here: https://lonerwolf.com/journaling/). Otherwise, expressing your feelings through art is another beautiful way to process these heart-wrenching emotions. Does that help? Much love <3
ok looking good here